Adam's Web Log - The Official Blog Of Adam Benjamin Irby

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Pictures:
- Model and iconic New York socialite Amanda Lepore & Me. It took everything inside of me not to wiggle my face in her breasts.
- Model/icon/my homegirl Isis Tsunami, Me (lookin' like I just ate a whole bucket of chicken LOL) and Laverne Cox of "I Want To Work For Diddy".
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Isis and I attended the Paper Magazine, Patricia Fields party on the Upper East Side last night. It was a trendy shindig, fashion forward, more like fast forward, attended by models, designers and the people who they plus-oned, along with a plethora of New York's most infamous socialite eccentrics. We stopped by for a while, did our twirl, had some drinks, mingled a little, did a little networking and then left to find some real food.

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Playing In The Background...
"Ain't No Mountain High Enough"
by Diana Ross
from the album "Diana Ross"
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With this post I'm launching a new category, "Ask Adam..." where you can send me all of your life, love and relationship questions. I'll try my best to answer them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too. And of course whatever you send will be kept anonymous.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
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Living my life openly and freely as a gay man here in New York, yet struggling to find to true love, sometimes it's easy to forget about the struggles my gay and transsexual brothers and sisters are going through all across small-town America and around the world just to be themselves. There's so much that us big city gay folks, especially us here in New York City take for granted. Receiving a letter from a small town reader puts so many things into perspective. Here's his letter:

What's happenin' Adam.

I'm kind of new to your blog but I gotta question for you. What would you do if you realized that the people in your life that you call friends and family don't really love you? I'm 19, living in a small town, Monroe, Louisiana and I've been struggling for a long time about coming out to my family and closest friend, but last night I realized that if I was to come out to them that it would change our relationship for the worst, if not end our relationship. Because you already know that being gay in the black community is not really accepted, so you can imagine how it is in a sort of small city where everyone is very religious. But even though I pray that my family would accept me for who I am and not let it be a big deal that I'm gay, I know that they wouldn't be okay with it because I was raised not to be okay with it. I think that's why I have such a hard time accepting it myself. But yeah, back to the question, how would you handle knowing in the back of your mind that these people that you love besides all their flaws, wouldn't love you if they knew the real you?

Oh yeah, and I wanna say I think you a real cool dude and keep doin' what you doin' because even though I'm not at the point in my life where I can live life comfortably I'm glad I can see people like you do it and give me courage to do it myself.
- Small Town Boy

Small Town Boy I'd like to say that I'm honored that you would entrust me with such a serious, potentially life altering question, I really do appreciate that.

Okay, first off I need to let you know that it's not necessarily that your family and friends don't love you or wouldn't love you if they found out that you were gay. It's that the gay thing is something that they don't understand. Human beings are known to fear what we don't understand and out of that fear we defend ourselves, striking back against that thing.

As with your family and close friend and most of our society at-large, their issues with homosexuality and homosexuals are a result of cultural conditioning and religious belief. Religion is a very powerful thing. To have billions of people believe in and obey something, based on fear, whether it be the words of the Bible, the Torah, the Qu'ran, etc., wholeheartedly, with no questions asked is power of unfathomable proportions. Religion has been the force behind every war on this Earth since the beginning of time. Everybody believes that they're doing their god's will, that only their religion is right, so much so that they are willing to fight and die for it. So if someone's religious texts condemn homosexuality, as all three of the aforementioned texts do, the followers of those religions will also. For you, who is someone your family and close friend presumably love and care about to come out and say you're a homosexual, in their mind you are making them choose between supporting you and supporting their god. Their god is usually gonna win.

This reminds me of when I came out to my parents, who are ministers and are super religious. My mother actually came to me about four years ago about being gay. She asked me and I told her the truth, that yes I am gay. Wanna know what the first thing she said to me was: "You know you're going to hell, right?" See, religion, in it's truest form. Adherents using fear as a way to keep themselves and each other in line. When I heard her say that I wasn't even offended because I knew that's what she was gonna say because that's how we were raised. That's religion. It's when she told me that "If you continue in this lifestyle you'll be dead before you're thirty." that really hurt. Just now, four years later I'm finally over it and only because I know that that statement was just a product of fear and of course I don't believe or receive any of it. I will not only see thirty, but I will live prosperously and abundantly long, long, long after it. But her saying that still has left put damage on our relationship that will probably never be fully repaired.

On a side note let me say to my straight readers out there: Be careful what you say if ever your child was to come out to you and say that they're gay. Granted, it may not be what you want for them, but it's their life and you can't live it for them. Although your child coming out my be devastating news to you, you cannot respond out of anger and fear. Remember, after all the shock and anger that's still your child and if you want to retain a healthy relationship with him or her after such a sensitive time you must choose your words carefully.

After I came out to my mother that day I went to work that night and jumped on Craigslist looking for apartments because I figured that my religious parents would not have a homo living in their house. Surprisingly, my mother wanted me to stay, probably in an effort to keep closer tabs on me, but stay nevertheless. I stayed until they moved down south two years ago and I moved into my own apartment here in New York. This goes to show that sometimes our family and friends won't necessarily react as harshly as we think. Sometimes we have to give them a little more credit. So from that day on my mother knew, I knew and for the next four years we lived in a stalemate. I was respectfully living my life as a gay man, being respectfully discreet around my parents and she lived in her denial, hoping that it was just a phase I was going through, until a few months ago when I officially came out to my whole family.

The main reason why I was so apt to come out to my mother when she asked me was because I was prepared. If she were to kick me out that day I had a full time job and was mentally and financially prepared to live elsewhere if need be. Being gay or being anything outside the norm calls for being fiercely independent. Unfortunately because we live in a society and among people who don't fully support us we must be able to fully support ourselves (and one day hopefully each other, but that's a whole 'nother blog post). I was 21 when I came out and you are now 19. Where do you work? Are you going to school? Are you financially and mentally prepared to live elsewhere if your family wanted nothing to do with you? It's wonderful to be out and free like a grown-up, but business must be taken care of first. If you are dependent on your parents to take care of you then you are still a child, living in their house and are bound by their rules. If you wanna live by your own rules then you gotta get your own house. If you want your parents to respect your lifestyle, you must first respect theirs.

So for now if you cannot take care of yourself I say don't come out just yet. Get a job, save your money, make preparations to get your own place, preferably out of that town and in a place like New York or if you wanted to say in the South, I'd suggest Atlanta. In a bigger city there are more opportunities for you as a young person in terms of work and education. There are also gay districts in cities such as these which will make for better social opportunities, better for you to possibly find new friends and a mate. Large cities like Atlanta and New York are filled to the brim with small town immigrants yearning to breathe free.

Coming out to my whole family later down the line was no big deal to me because I'm independent. I live on my own and don't ask anyone for anything. Being independent, even though all of my family may not agree with everything I do with my life, they have to respect me because I'm my own man. I would not get that same respect if I had my hand out asking them for money every three seconds. And as a result coming out to them was easy and they took it even better than I thought. Being on your own makes coming out so much easier for you and them and they'll respect you more for it.

I know that it's painful to live in the closet when you really want to be out, but you must understand how important timing is with all of this. Unfortunately so many of us, gays and transsexuals come out way before we are ready, thinking with our emotions and not with our heads. Many of us come out in our teenage years, parents kick us out and we are out on the streets with incomplete education and no place to go. This road usually leads to unhealthy relationship choices, prostitution or other illegal means just to stay alive. This is tragic but it doesn't have to be this way. As horrible as living in the closet is, due to the society we live in, sometimes it's necessary for a while, especially if we are dependent on someone else for our survival. Our ultimate goal should be to become independent so we can live our lives however we see fit. So devise a plan and think before you act.

As far as your close friend or any friend is concerned. We can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends. Any friend that would have an issue with you being who you are is someone you don't need in your life. But in my experience, my straight friends, even the male ones were much better about me coming out than even my family members. If someone is really your best friend, you being straight or gay shouldn't matter. If it does then that's not your friend. But as far as your individual case is concerned I would say because you live in a\that small town where everybody knows everybody it's probably best to tell no one including your friend until you get your plan together.

Now is the time for you to work on you, get your mind right, get your money right, get your education right so you can be the person you want to be and stand on your own two feet. I know being young and not living in the most ideal situation is hard, but you can't rush things. Coming out is big business, basically you are declaring that you are living a different life than the one you we're taught to live. Maybe your parents can deal with that and maybe they can't, but you need to be prepared either way. In a perfect world, gay wouldn't be such a big deal, but unfortunately it is. You wanna be grown, you wanna be free, you wanna live by your own rules? You gotta pay the cost to be the boss. Start devising your plan.

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Playing In The Background...
"Work That"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
and
"I'm Coming Out"
by Diana Ross
from the album "Diana"
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Madonna rocking it out at the Izod Center in New Jersey last Saturday night.
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For those of you who wanted to know whether the 168 bucks I spent on the Madonna "Sticky & Sweet Tour" concert was worth it... YES IT WAS! My first big concert ever and it was Madonna, what a way to pop my concert cherry. (LOL) It was even worth the trek out to Jersey, that turned into a damn adventure of buses, trains and a 60 dollar cab ride (the Port Authority of NY & NJ needs to get their shit together as far as their so-called link to the Meadowlands/Giants Stadium/Izod Center complex is concerned). It would have been much easier if we had snagged tickets at Madison Square Garden, but hey it was good to see her wherever we got a chance to. I would have gone to Philadelphia or Atlantic City if I had to. It would have taken just as much time and complication anyway, maybe less.

Anyway, it was a great show with no opening act, honestly she didn't need it. I learned once I got there that our sold out show was her first tour stop here in the United States so everything felt really fresh. She even paused in the middle of the show to say how good it felt to be back in America. If you're going to the concert don't want to know any of the set list don't read any further. I didn't know it beforehand and I have to admit that the surprise factor was nice.

She opened with "Candy Shop" and performed most of the other songs on the "Hard Candy" album (this list is not in the order of the show by the way) including "Beat Goes On" with Pharrell and Kanye West on background screens, "4 Minutes" with Timberland and Justin Timberfake (y'all know I can't stand him) on background screens, "Miles Away", "She's Not Me" in which she exclaimed "Don't you hate it when you have that friend that's trying to be just like you including trying to fuck your boyfriend? Fucking bitch!" and proceeded to kiss all four of her younger female dancer look-alikes (a la the infamous Britney and Christina MTV kiss) before proclaiming that she herself is a "bad ass bitch", a beautiful performance of "Devil Wouldn't Recognize You", "Heartbeat", "Spanish Lesson" and "Give It 2 Me", which she ended the show with.

In between the new songs she performed classics such as "Human Nature" with video of Britney Spears playing in the background, "Music", "Get Into The Groove", "Ray Of Light" "Hung Up", a hot rendition of "Vogue", an even hotter rock remix of "Borderline", she even took an audience request, a playful version of "Open Your Heart" in which she asked for audience participation after admitting that she forgot the words, "La Isla Bonita" complete with authentic Spanish band and dancers (a la her performance of the song at Live Earth last year). The performances of the night were her rousing version of "You Must Love Me", in which her voice sounded incredible, the only thing that would have been better would have been if she would have busted out with "Take A Bow", and my absolute favorite of the night was her performance of "Like A Prayer" which was almost like a religious experience. Also strung throughout the performance were political statements, basically Madonna's views on the issues, view which were obviously liberal, shown on the background screens with Madonna herself taking a few jabs at US vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, even performing in "Palin glasses" for part of the show.

The other star of the show were here dynamic background screens providing a good amount of the spectacle throughout the night, expanding and contracting, rising and falling depending on the needs of the song. The show was a technical masterpiece that runs super smooth and went off without a hitch.

The most incredible thing is that this woman on the stage singing, strutting, dancing, dancing while jumping double dutch all in heels is fifty years old, five years younger than my mother and has more athletic stamina than me, a man half her age. That's crazy! Maybe I need to start doing that yoga and pilates shit too.

If you have tickets to the show, be excited. If you don't have tickets to the show, get tickets. If you can't tickets go on YouTube and watch the pirated video of it with the lights off and save up for the next tour.

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Playing In The Background...
"Like A Prayer"
by Madonna
from her show "The Sticky & Sweet Tour" live at the Izod Center, East Rutherford, NJ, USA
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Michelle Williams and Me at Columbia records offices here in New York back in April.
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Y'all know I did an interview with Michelle Williams for Bleu Magazine back in April. It ran in their last issue. For those of you who missed I've posted it here just in time for her new album "Unexpected" in stores tomorrow.

Michelle is one of the nicest and most genuine celebrity folks I've ever met. We both grew up in church, her COGIC and I Pentecostal/Apostolic, having such similar backgrounds, we clicked immediately. The interview was so laid back and playful that it hardly felt less like work and more like catching up with an old friend. Here it is:

You can never know what to expect from Michelle Williams. Even her big break appearing in Destiny's Child's "Say My Name" video back in '99 as the newest child of destiny came as a surprise. Then in the middle of all that pop success she did the unthinkable and dropped an under-the-radar gospel album in 2002 and then did it again in 2004 ("Heart To Yours" and "Do You Know" respectively). Along with her music career Michelle has been building quite an acting resume, appearing on TV shows such as the UPN series "Half & Half" and starring on Broadway in "Aida" and traveling with the cast of "The Color Purple". Now she's hitting us with her first pop/R&B/dance record, aptly titled "Unexpected" this summer.

In the interview Michelle, the small town church girl from Rockford, Illinois, and I talk music, ministry, and men... yes, men. How unexpected?

Adam: Michelle, you've always hit us with the unexpected, from your joining with Destiny's Child, to putting out two gospel albums right in the middle of such a successful career in pop music and now with your first solo pop/R&B record entitled "Unexpected". Why do you feel that this is the time to release this record?

Michelle: I did wanna do an R&B album, but what I didn't know was that it was gonna turn into such a dance album. Everything I've done has always been like that though. I like to keep it so nobody knows what Michelle is gonna do. I wanna keep it that way.

How would you respond to your detractors who say you're "backsliding" from your gospel roots? You know how church folk are...

Baby, bye... [laughs] It's like I can't win for losing because I did the gospel stuff at the height of my career with Destiny's Child. If I would have waited they would have been like, "She ain't got no money so now she gon' try to use us and do gospel..." That's why you have to continue to do you and continue to do the things that you know you are to do and I don't think I'm doing anything I'm not supposed to be doing.

'Cuz it seems like it came from your heart to come out and do the gospel albums at such a time...

Absolutely. Everything I do is gonna come from my heart and one day there's a possibility that I will do gospel music when I feel that I'm ready to be committed to that genre.

One thing I admire about you, especially coming from the church world is your openness to everyone. You've worked in many arenas, you played an HIV positive character on the UPN series "Half & Half", you've worked on Broadway and you've done a lot of work with the gays. I know that that's something that's not looked upon so favorably in the church. So how do you reconcile that with your staunch Church Of God In Christ upbringing?

The thing is, I love my upbringing, that's my foundation. I was raised I the church and I was beginning myself to be judgmental. I left home when I was seventeen to go to college and I remember when I went away from home and I had to make decisions for myself. When you grow up a certain way, in COGIC or Pentecostal church you just think that that's the only way and if you're Baptist, get away, if you're Catholic, get away...

"They going to hell!"

Exactly. [laughs] But I think that even within the Pentecostal and Church Of God In Christ movements that's changing with new leadership. But my heart goes out to everybody, everybody struggles, everybody's struggling, I don't care what it is, we're all struggling.

As far as the album, we've heard about "We Break The Dawn" and we've even heard about "Stop This Car" but tell me about some of the other tracks on this album that people probably haven't heard about.

"Hello Heartbreak", that song is hilarious. It's wonderful because it's like, you're in a relationship, but you're like, something's finna hit me around this corner. Then it's like, oh, hello heartbreak! That's what it is. Hey sadness, I knew I was gon' meet you, 'cuz you never fail, you always gon' be around. That's what "Hello Heartbreak" literally says. I have "Lucky Girl". I feel like the luckiest girl in the world because I feel I got a man who understands me so, where I don't even have to open my mouth, he knows how I feel.

That is lucky...

Ain't that lucky? [laughs]

Don't we wish we all had that? [laughs]

Chile... [laughs] I don't have it but...

It's nice to sing about...

Yeah, it's nice to sing about, but you gotta put it out in the air it'll come back to you. "The Greatest", is a song on there that I feel like will soften the hardest heart. That's gon' be my wedding song, when I walk down the aisle, I'ma be singing "The Greatest". Rico Love actually wrote all of those three songs. He actually did the bulk of my album so it's a consistent kinda flow to it.

So as far as solo releases are concerned, is there friendly competition between you and the girls of Destiny's Child, Beyonce and Kelly? Do you look at their solo success as something you could kinda compare yourself to?

I don't know if I'd say competition. We do look at each other and see what each other is doing. We do our own studying of what it is that we wanna do. Now the world will definitely compare us and put us in competition, but we don't do that with each other. I would never be like "Lemme try to one up her..." I wouldn't do that. You just don't do that to your sisters.

You guys are still really close, right? I saw the pictures of you going to Beyonce's wedding and a few other things...

We're all still very, very, very close. Absolutely.

Will there be a reunion?

[Pause] Maybe one day, I don't know..,

Like a tour or something...?

That would be so hot! We could do a ladies tour.

Especially now since you all have records out. You could do your solo thing and then do your thing together.

Yeah, a lot of people have been asking about that.

This is something we don't hear about very much but are you dating anyone?

No! [laughs] It's not true! I'm not dating Henry Simmons. I'm not dating Chris Tucker. I'm not dating nobody.

Just you and Jesus... [laughs]

Just me and Jesus. [laughs] That settles that.

People ask this kinda thing all the time but I want a real answer to this question. Tell us something about Michelle Williams that nobody knows.

I'm actually a fun, outgoing person. People think I'm quiet and meek. People think I'm at home on the altar slinging blessed oil everywhere. They don't know that I'm talking on the phone to one of my homies, I'm shopping. I go out. I enjoy the nightlife...

You "break the dawn..." [laughs]

I "break the dawn." [laughs]

Who are your favorite designers? What do you like to wear? What are you looking forward to in the next couple of seasons?

Now I'm not just saying this because I've had the pleasure of working with this young lady all my professional life, but Dereon (Beyonce Knowles' clothing company). Baby... the jeans and the shoes are something else. I love Se7en Jeans. I have on J Brand jeans right now. It just depends. I love H&M...

Ain't nothin' wrong with H&M...

This coat is H&M. I am not mad. [laughs]

H&M will get you through. [laughs] You put an H&M piece with a couture piece and put it together and make it happen!

Baby... exactly! And nobody knows. I love all kinds of designers as long as I'm comfortable I don't care if it came from the gift shop at the hotel.

Would you want to do a clothing line?

No, I wouldn't personally wanna do one, but I am working on a cosmetics line, a bath and body line. Right now it's in it's infancy stages but I have created my own body crèmes, bath gels, body scrubs, shea butters. I was actually home pouring a little shea butter and candles and all of that stuff. I got a little science lab in the crib, you know.

So, what's next for Michelle Williams? You've pretty much put your hands into everything so do you want to do more acting?

I would love to do more acting. I love the theatre, so hopefully while I'm here in New York I can check out some shows. I actually wanna originate a show. Because in the past two shows I've stepped in and somebody else has already done the role. I wanna do a role where somebody else has to come in behind me.

Michelle Wiliams
"Unexpected"
2008 Columbia Records
4.5/5

The best thing about "Unexpected" is that it's a good album. It's not as though I didn't expect it to be good, but do you know how awkward it would be for me to have sat and laughed and talked with Michelle Williams that day and to now have to turn around and trash her album. Thankfully the album is good and that's not the case. Church girl said she wanted to make you dance and she's gonna do just that.

The album starts off with "Hello Heartbreak" a cleverly written, electro-flavored, vocodered, dance pop number that's crying to be the next single. It probably won't get much play in urban markets, but the track is so hot that it doesn't even matter. Next there's there's "We Break The Dawn" the poppy first single from the album that gets an urban facelift as "We Break The Dawn (Part 2)" featuring rapper du jour Flo Rida. This should have been sent to urban radio and urban television via a chopped and screwed version of the regular video with footage of Flo Rida spliced in (a la Janet Jackson's "Son Of A Gun (remix)" featuring Missy Elliott and P. Diddy).

Other standouts include the albums second single "The Greatest", a pop R&B song in the vein of Mariah's "We Belong Together" or Mary J's "Be Without You", which is undoubtedly a good song, but a pick in which Michelle and her people played it very safe.

There's also the upbeat, poppy trio of "Till The End Of The World", "Private Party", and "Hungover" which will definitely get the party started. On "Till The End..." my favorite, of the three, I love it when Michelle coos "Will you be my mine, my mannnn..." in the intro.

The leaked track "Stop This Car" gets a slight musical makeover on the album version, making it sound better than it did before. Lastly there are the midtempo revenge ballads "Unexpected", the title track, in which Michelle displays her best vocals on the disc (a la her performance in "Through With Love" on Destiny's Child's "Destiny Fulfilled" album) and the smartly written "Thank U" in which she tanks her ex for cheating on her so that she could finally find the one who was really good for her.

Not only has church girl made us dance, she wiped our tears when were crying, made us laugh and most importantly has given us a good album to listen to.

If you must download, download: "Hello Heartbreak", "The Greatest", "Till The End Of The World", "We Break The Dawn (Part 2)", "Stop This Car" and "Unexpected"

ALBUM IN STORES TUESDAY, OCTOBER 7th, 2008

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Playing In The Background...
"Unexpected"
by Michelle Williams
from the album "Unexpected"
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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Today's letter is from a heterosexual female reader who has fallen in love with her bisexual (but mostly gay) best friend. She's a virgin and is having a hard time telling him that even if they were to have sex he'd have to be tested first. In the words of Samantha Jones of "Sex And The City", "Oh honey..." where do I start with this one. Here's her letter:

Hello Adam,
I am pretty sure that I have fallen in love with my best friend. However, he is bisexual. I don't have a problem with him being bisexual, except he is sexually active with mostly men. Recently he asked me to be his girlfriend, but I'm on the fence because my family and our other friends (mainly heterosexual females who would NOT get with a guy who's bisexual) say I should NOT date him because he's my best friend, but MAINLY because he is "GAY" (he says he likes guys more but I'm an "exception" to the rule). So I wanted another point of view.

Do you think its not a good idea for me (a heterosexual female) to get with a bisexual man who is also my best friend?

Secondly, because I am a virgin, if I were to come close to having sex with him (because sexually active people are more likely to have an STD) how do I tell him that I want him to get tested?

I've tried hinting things by saying things like: "I'm taking ALL my boyfriends to the clinic if we were to come close to having sex..." and stuff like that, but I think that saying it directly would hurt his feelings.

Thank you for your time,
- Stressed Out Friend

Stressed Out Friend, how old are you? You sound like a young woman who is a situation she need not be in. You're way too young for the stress. So I'm gonna keep my answer real short and straight to the point.

First of all, yes you do have a problem with him being bisexual. Your words were and I quote "I don't have a problem with him being bisexual, except he is sexually active with mostly men." And there's nothing wrong with you having a problem with him being bisexual. I have a problem with my boyfriends being homosexual with anyone else before they met me, you wanna know why, because I'm human and I'm jealous and whatever I have I want it for myself as do you and that's okay. I personally wouldn't even think about dealing with a guy who deals with women. Bad enough you have to worry about other women around your man (and we all worry to an extent, if we don't worry we don't care), you gotta watch for men too. What the fuck?

You're young and are still learning about life yourself, you're still a virgin. I think the whole bisexuality thing may be too much for you to deal with right now. And as far as you being an "exception"... Shit, how do I say this without getting in a load of trouble... Fuck it. I'm not a big believer in bisexuality, never have been, with me you're basically one or the other, straight or gay. For me to believe that someone is bisexual, two things would have to be evident. One, their sexuality would have to be at a perfect equilibrium and two, everyone, every woman and every man they've ever involved themselves with would have to know about them, everything, every time, both of which are damn near impossible. You're always gonna like one sex over the other and every one you deal with isn't gonna understand or be supportive of your bisexuality enough for you to tell them. Besides, you can't spend your life with two people, eventually you gotta pick one. For someone who has said that they like guys more than girls to tell you that you are the "exception" is bullshit and something you should give no further thought to.

Unfortunately I can't write this guy off as just another triflin' ass , can't-make-a-decision-ass, quote-unquote "bisexual" that you should just stay away from because this "bisexual" just happens to be your best friend, which is even more of a reason not to deal with him. Continue to be his friend, but don't confuse love and support of him for romantic love. Dealing with him romantically is a disaster waiting to happen and you know it, hence your numerous reservations. That's why you wrote me this letter.

Now I must scold you for a moment. I know you did not sit up here and say that you are having difficulty asking him to take an HIV/STD test. Heifer, have you lost your damn mind!?! This is your life here and there is no room for being nice when it comes down to preserving it. No need for hints and pleasantries here. His feelings won't matter when you're sitting up somewhere with a disease. Y'all are supposed to be best friends. Y'all should be comfortable enough with each other by now that this shouldn't be a big deal. He's probably getting tested regularly anyway, at least I hope so. If he really loved and cared about you, he'd understand. Ask him, more than likely he will. This goes for everybody gay and straight. Never be afraid to ask someone to get tested before you have sex. You need to come straight out to him and say 'If you wanna hit this, you gotta get tested!' Period.

You're special and you're a virgin, you need to save your virginity for someone who you know deep down in your heart is the one, and you know that homeboy is not the one. You know, I admire my sister so much for being a virgin until she got married. It doesn't happen much anymore, but it's still possible. I'm not saying that you have to wait that long but you shouldn't feel uncomfortable if you did.

There are way too many reasons why you should not involve yourself with this boy and most importantly you don't sound too convinced about it yourself. I say listen to your instincts and your homegirls, who happen to be his friends too and more than likely have both of your best interests at heart and don't do it. Don't ruin a friendship for a relationship that you know isn't gonna work. Both of y'all are too young for the drama and you are much more than an "exception" or an experiment. Tell homeboy to find another pussy to play in.

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Playing In The Background...
"Love And My Best Friend"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Janet Jackson"
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This is one of my favorite poems so I decided to repost it. How many times have we let someone get away with treating us not as good as we deserve to be just because they look good or we think that we're not on their level and are in a sense grateful for being in their presence, as though we aren't good enough. It doesn't even have to be looks that make you stay, it could be about the way he makes you feel or the sex or a combination of the three. What's even worse is when we know it's true and we try to rationalize the shit.

Enjoy.

Originally posted on November 10, 2007 11:12 AM
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If He Was Ugly
by Adam Benjamin Irby

If he was ugly...
Would you let him do the things he do?
Would you let him say what he say to you?
Or act the way he acted,
If you weren't so attracted.
And forgive so automatic.
And live life so tragic.
The longing for better days, you trade,
Your sense, you're like an addict.
Why's he such a prize,
Just a sight for sore eyes.
Telling yourself lies,
Under the guise of compromise.
Disdain in your brain,
Numb like Novocaine.
You fold in your pain, like a collar stain,
On a white collared Polo rugby.
Would you treat him so lovely,
If you didn't think you were so ugly?

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Playing In The Background...
"Why You Gotta Look So Good?" feat. Lloyd Banks
by Mya
from the album "Moodring"
==========

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I'm reposting this one because it's one of my absolute favorites and it came to my mind because I'm on my way out to the barber shop to see my fine ass barber right now.

Enjoy.

Originally posted on September 5, 2007 7:14 PM
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Ahhh yes, the barber shop. "The Black Man's Country Club," as a black man the barber shop has been a part of my life as long as I can remember. I remember hating it as a child though. Every other Saturday my mother would give my oldest sister money to take me to the barber shop. She would take me to her friend's barber shop to get my hair cut. And of course her friend was the most popular barber in the shop and of course everyone wanted to go to him to get their hair cut and of course it would take all day long. She would make me wait, and wait, and wait for him even as other barbers anxiously stood around with empty chairs. I hated the barber shop so much that I grew a high top for a few years as a child, but even that you have to fade and shape up. The end of the haircut though was always the worst. That spray with the minty green alcohol would sting so much. What the hell did they used to cut my hair with, a rusty meat cleaver?

In my preteen years I changed barbers and started going to the barbershop by myself. I wouldn't have to wait for my sister's barber friend anymore. I could choose any barber I wanted, whoever's chair was free. I was in and I was out. That's until the first time I got "zeeked". Getting zeeked is getting a fucked up haircut. There was nothing you could do to reverse a zeeking, once it's done, it's done. Your only choices were to go bald or stay indoors until your hair grows back right. I got zeeked by this drunken, yellow-eyed barber (didn't realize that at the time) once when I was 13. He cut my hair way too low and I hadn't fully grown into my head yet, and having hair on my head had caused the top of my head not to tan the color as the rest of my face. I looked crazy. When I looked in that mirror and saw my head I wanted to kill him. As a remedy to the situation I went home and pretended to be sick for a whole week until my hair started to grow back. I could not let the whole eighth grade see me looking like that. To this day my mother doesn't even know I was faking that whole thing.

But when I grew into my teen years and now into my adult years started to became more of a pleasure than a mere necessity. Besides the obvious feeling of wanting to look good. I started getting into how sexy some of these barbers are. The barber shop, like most things can be so homo-erotic. Get into it. There's me, the customer in the big leather chair and my sexy ass barber giving dap to his last customer. He flashes his million dollar smile at me and asks "What do you want?" If he only knew what I really wanted, too bad all these other people are around.

I look ahead and see him in the mirror as he walks up behind me to unfurl the black nylon barber cape that he fastens around my neck ever so gently, his every touch sending electricity to the nether regions of my body. I catch a glimpse of his ass as he turns around and begins to fiddle with his barber's instruments. He stands in front of me at 1:30 and then 10:30, his body slightly leaned over cutting my hair down. The light scent of his cologne is intoxicating as I watch my hair drop to the floor. I close my eyes as he slightly brushes his fingers against my face and I let the hum of his clippers relax me.

He stops, switches clippers and steps to me, the closest he's been to my face yet. His left hand lightly lifting my chin as he lines me up. I look at his face, my eyes tracing his strong masculine features and jawline, then I look to the right at the glass cookie jar filled with condoms and lube packets, then down to the left at the bulge in his jeans, then back up into his beautiful brown eyes that hypnotize me, up to his perfectly edged up hairline and back down to his juicy pink with lips with that thin mustache that rides them so perfectly. I want to kiss him so bad I could taste it. If he could only see how hard I am under this cape. If only he knew how badly I wanted him to rip this cape off me and ride me until we both climax.

He pulls back from me, lightly places his hand over my eyes and sprays three strong misty puffs of green alcohol over my head, then he removes my cape and lets me get a once over in the hand mirror. Alas, my haircut is over and I didn't even get to cum. That stings more than the alcohol. I come back down to reality and see all the pictures that line his barber's station. I forgot, he's straight. I conveniently forget that every week I come in.

I look good though, as usual he did a good job and I give him a good tip, not the tip I would have to have given him though if the situation were different. But it's worth it, anything to see him flash that smile at me again. Now I have to find a way to hide this erection I've got and not make eye contact with anyone as I leave the barbershop. I'll be back next week though.

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Playing In The Background...
"Dirty Mind"
by Prince
from the album "Dirty Mind"
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A miraculous thing has occurred. Last night while I was at the gym my best friend called me to tell me that he scored tickets for the Madonna concert out at the Meadowlands in New Jersey tonight. People have been saying that this may be her last tour and tickets have been sold out for months but by some kind of miracle he got tickets. I can't believe it! This is legendary. I'm going to see motherfuckin' Madonna Louise Ciccone, the icon tonight. What's even crazier is that I'm 25 and this is my first big venue concert and it's Madonna. My ticket only cost me $165, even more than my Janet Jackson ticket for the 16th, but whatever, it's Madonna, she's worth it.

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Playing In The Background...
"Candy Shop"
by Madonna
from the album "Hard Candy"
========== 

It seems like every other day I'm finding that someone I know or used to mess with either used to be in porn or is currently starring in porn. It's like every other homo out there is getting dicked down in some porn, as though this is a viable career or something. I mean hey, I'm not one to judge and I watch my share of porn (especially the ones at Nubian101.com), but anyone can agree that porn isn't exactly the healthiest career choice. I'm guessing, straight people help me out here, that this isn't too much of an issue for y'all. As far as how I feel about it all, the past is the past, I wouldn't necessarily say that I couldn't be with someone who used to do porn, but I can say with much certainty that I couldn't be serious about someone who currently has a career in porn. Now if we just fuckin', then it doesn't matter.

As far as me doing porn, I've been asked a few times by a few different companies, and even by a few dates and as flattering as that all is, I have always declined. There's no way in the world I'm doing porn. I already do this blog, I don't wanna totally give my mother a heart attack.

This social climate where it seems like everybody is doing porn now prompted some friends and I to have this conversation the other day. A friend of mine posed the question: How many porn stars have you slept with? I had to think about about it. How many people had I messed around with who had been or are now doing porn? As of about two weeks ago my number is four. I've fucked four porn stars. Two I knew about and two I didn't.

Who they are you ask? You know them. Three of them are currently working. Am I gonna  give up their names? Hell no. Y'all know I'm not messy like that.

So, how many porn stars have you slept with? Comment and let me know.

By the way, if you haven't noticed, the "Comments" link is now at the top of the posts right under the title instead of the bottom.

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Playing In The Background...
"Save The World"
by Girlicious
from the album "Girlicious"
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Believe it or not, there are people out there who don't like me. I know, it's crazy right? I've always felt like I'm a pretty likable guy. I've always felt as though if someone didn't like me it's their issue because I try to be the nicest person I can. I pretty much still hold on to that. Regardless of my theory though, there are five people in this city who I know don't like me. And I mean yeah, I have a whole slew of haters, but these five people actually know me, at least kinda sorta, at least they've had interactions with me. Haters and other people who don't know me and don't like me for no reason, they just simply don't matter.

Anyway, like I was saying, there are five people in this city who I know don't like me in varying degrees and for various reasons, but at the end of the day they just aren't feeling the kid. I'm not losing any major sleep over it, but I would be lying if I said that it didn't bother me just a little, especially because some of it is my fault.

So, the First Person who doesn't like me, well he has good reason. We kinda used to be friends, casually though, we even messed around once. Well, I flirted with his boyfriend, it was after they broke up, but still it was wrong. That was my bad. I apologized and everything. It wasn't as heartfelt as it should have been but it was an apology nevertheless. I've seen First Person since the incident and we spoke. I mean it has been a long while, but we're far from cool.

The Second Person who doesn't like me doesn't like me because he got into it with one of my good friends. After a while that all subsided and we would speak when we saw each other, but since then he's gotten really friendly with First Person and as of late isn't speaking to me again. This usually wouldn't bother me as I wouldn't even know that Second Person even existed except for the fact that back when things were good Second Person was at my house once visiting me along with my good friend, so we've met previously and on top of that Second Person works at a neighborhood business that I frequent. So I see him at least a few times a week, but we still don't speak.

The Third Person who doesn't like me is someone who I hooked up with two years ago who's mad at me because on that night I mentioned, when my good friend came to my house with Second Person I mentioned casually that Third Person and I messed around. I figured that it was no big deal and we that we're all adults here. In all actuality I was really talking to my good friend, but Second Person happened to overhear. Little did I know Second Person knew Third Person's boyfriend and told him and everyone else who'd listen about it. Yeah, Third Person had a boyfriend, he didn't mention that on the night he came by at three in the morning. All this talk got back to Third Person and he figured that I was out there trying to brag about having had him when it wasn't even like that. He started popping shit with me over the internet talking about how he wanted to fight me. I told him to bring his ass over, he knew the address, it was the same one he came to when he came looking for dick at 3am. He still never showed up. I saw him last week, the first time I'd seen him since this all went down, we didn't speak.

The Fourth Person who doesn't like me, doesn't like me but I'm really not sure why. We met online last year and I thought he was really attractive. He came over and we talked, nothing happened between us and he left. While Fourth Person was over we talked and discovered that we worked in the same industry and he was told me that he needed a job. I gave him the info for my job (which I never do) and told him to pursue it and not to mention that he knew me (because if they knew that he knew me they probably wouldn't hire hi ). That was the last time I heard from him, he stopped calling me. One day I'm at work, I look up and there he is, Fourth Person, he got the job. It wasn't my job though, it was a position lower than mine. Even with that I didn't give him too much attention though because hey, he stopped calling me. I'm not gonna jock him like that, it's not that serious. A week later I got an email saying that he got fired. I kinda wanted to know what happened. My curiosity getting the better of me, I'd hit him up online intermittently, saying hey, even going as far enough to assure him that I was not trying to pick him up. Still no response. One day I was chilling at my friend's house, he came by he saw me there, we spoke and then he left suddenly. I won't be conceited enough to say that I was the reason why he left but I can't help but wonder. I saw him last week as well and we didn't speak. He can't possibly think I had something to do with him being fired, can he?

The Fifth Person who doesn't like me, doesn't like me in a way a little different from the first four. Fifth Person doesn't like me, like me, like romantically. The first time I saw Fifth Person I saw him at his job, I figured that he got down (was gay) and my feelings were confirmed after seeing him around at parties and in the gay-borhoods of the city. For whatever reason I never walked up and talked to him before. I ain't gon' lie, I get nervous trying to approach guys I like, you wouldn't know though, but even with that, the opportunity never really presented itself. One day I saw him online so I sent him a message. I sent it and he never replied back. I checked the message and he opened it. Damn. On another occasion I sent him a message again. I even told him that I'd developed a little crush on him (yeah, I know, that shit was extra), again same result. He's fine, but he's just not feeling me. I know the cardinal online rule, I'm a proponent of it. You send a message, you wait a while, they're still online and you know they opened it, no reply back, they're not interested. The there's no point in being a stalker and making yourself look crazy. It's just that, as fucked up as it sounds, me saying this about myself but, I'm not used to this kinda thing, rejection from somebody I kinda got into like that. Guys I like don't usually reject me, at least not lately, within the past year or so. A part of me wondered, why is he not feeling me? I don't get it. Oh well, I shook the dust from my feet and moved on. His loss.

It's crazy but, as much I'd like to walk up to each one of these five people, stretch out my hand and proceed to talk and mend fences with them I wonder, how realistic is that? Peace talks happen between two parties, but the two parties have to be willing to talk and settle their differences and be cool. Like I said before, I don't lose much sleep over those who don't like me but if I had my way I'd like for us to all be okay. But considering that there are only five people in the world I can think of who are not okay with me, mostly for dumb ass reasons, I'm a really fortunate guy, believe it or not.

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Playing In The Background...
"Womanizer"
by Britney Spears
from the album "Circus"
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