====================================================================
WARNING:
SOME OF THE LANGUAGE AND/OR SUBJECT MATTER IN MY BLOG MAY BE OFFENSIVE
TO SOME AND IS NOT SUGGESTED READING FOR ANYONE UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE.
READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
====================================================================
That was a mouth full. Life is so crazy. Why in the hell does the grass ALWAYS look greener on the other side? Why do we always want what we don’t (notice I didn’t say can’t) have?
Janet Jackson and Joni Mitchell (who by the way never lies, lies) say that “you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone” lately I’ve been feeling as though you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s here.
My mother told me a story about how back in the early 1970’s before she met my father she prayed to God for a man who felt as though the sun rose and set on her and would give her all types of love and attention. You know the kinda stuff girls (and the gurls) like. Now that I think about it this prayer sounds as though she had recently burned by an ex but I never really asked her about that before. To make a long story short everything was good at first; that is until she tried to break up with him. That’s when he threatened by gunpoint to burn her apartment down with him her and my oldest sister in it and then proceeded to stalk her for a year.
While my story isn’t nearly as dramatic it’s funny that after being burned 30 years later I prayed somewhat the same prayer.
I met him, he was really nice, kinda cute, and really into me, really quickly. Even the littlest things I did were charming to him and further endeared me to him. He laughed at my jokes, he listened to me go on and on about work (anybody who knows me knows I can talk… DOWN!) He saw me on days when I wasn’t looking my best. He saw me with my glasses on (yes, they’re Dolce & Gabbana but people rarely see me without my clear contacts. Color contacts way are too gay!). He showered me with attention, phone calls and text messages. As a classic Leo I should be really enjoying this. But as the weeks passed (yes weeks, dammit! I know, I know, don’t look at me like that) he seemed to be falling deeper and deeper for me. He wanted to be exclusive and I agreed in the beginning but by this time I just wasn’t feeling it anymore.
It was as though I was finding little things wrong with him and magnifying them so much that and I was gradually getting turned off. As a result I gradually started to distance myself from him. He would call and I wouldn’t answer the phone. He would text and I wouldn’t text right back. Then he started to notice and of course he asked what was wrong. I made excuses “work”, “I didn’t hear the phone”, etc, really transparent stuff. Basically, I felt like he was smothering me.
If this were last year this would be the time I’d just stop
answering his phone calls or break up with him via text message. Yes
it’s a punk ass move but it’s not like you haven’t done it before. I
know niggas have done it to me. But coming into 2007 I promised myself
that I would be more truthful and speak up about my feelings. So that
weekend I told him that I just wanted to date and not be exclusive.
Actually I just really wanted to be friends.
He seemed hurt.
I explained further.
I think he started to understand.
We laughed.
We had sex (damn).
I went to work the next morning.
He didnt understand.
He emailed me.
I emailed back.
We broke it off.
The end.
Now I’m more confused than I was before. Wasn’t that what I wanted?
I had this experience not but 3 weeks ago...I thought something was wrong with me...
I started reading and I thought that I'd never experience such a thing, since I've never been in a relationship and all, even up to this day in my life.
Honestly I've had sex partners (I know I'm so open. My best friends say I talk too much. I just like to honest about stuff, depending on how deep it is). Sometimes I chose to have sex and a few times sex buddy whether it was the intent or not, but most of the time I wanted a real relationship with a dude that appealled to me; a dude that appealed to my sense of attraction. I was naive and a little irrational about relationships, love and dating (thank God He took care of me in my crude impulsive moments). Now I've come to a point in my life (I know, soooo cliche) where I don't need a relationship or a man to validate me (that entire sentance was cliche, but true). I've realized that I've got to take care of me, improve me, make me the best me I can be, so that I can snag the one that is right for me. The guys I met weren't that great, cus that's not really what I wanted and if what I really wanted, was to be mine I had to make sure that the I had to be what the other person was looking for.
Basically, to break it down if you didn't get what I previously stated, if I want a great quality man then I have to be of a great quality material as a person and a man. In a way I have to mirror the one I'm with or match them, or something like that.
Anyway, where my life connects to this blog post: A guy who I met online and freaked around with with the intent of a relationship, was at the time the right one for me... I guess. I liked him, but I didn't feel satisfied that he was the right relationship for me at the time. That was because of superficial reasons, though. I'm glad him and I just friends now. I thought about rekindling it with him, but he'd grown up and I was still unsure and had some catching up to do. But at the time, with him, I looked at most of the reasons he was wrong and didn't stick to the reasons why he could work. I just didn't want to settle and that's what I felt when I got him. We had great sex, though (I know, TMI), but I felt that wasn't enough).
We do make great friends now and h does have a lovely new boyfriend.
Here's to Damien! (I know, taudry to call names, but no one has to know, even if it's a small gay world. No one will know his last name)
(I went all essay again and all passionate and expressive)