April 2007 Archives

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WARNING:
SOME OF THE LANGUAGE AND/OR SUBJECT MATTER IN MY BLOG MAY BE OFFENSIVE
TO SOME AND IS NOT SUGGESTED READING FOR ANYONE UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE.
READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
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I took my boyfriend to a somewhat swank concierge function at Top Of The Rock (Rockefeller Center) the other night. Though it was raining and cloudy the view was still great. Looking to the south, the Empire State Building stood straight up towering over the other buildings of Midtown Manhattan like a huge throbbing erection, well, buildings don’t throb, but you get the point. Speaking of erections my beau and I have been together for about three months now. We’re exclusive and things aren’t soooo serious I guess, but we really like eachother, we’re together all the time but we’re not putting too much on that, we’re just taking things one day at a time.

While navigating through the crowd of concierges, tourism professionals and their respective plus ones having meaningless chit-chat conversation after meaningless chit-chat conversation occasionally snacking on vittles courtesy of Cipriani we ran into a colleague of mine. For our purposes we’re gonna call him Mr. President. Mr. President is an older white gentleman whom I’ve had the pleasure of working with several times. He’s 67 (but doesn’t look it), gay (but not a queen), and has an almost regal presence about him, definitely someone I look up to and respect. He and his partner have been together almost 30 years. They were both at this particular function that night and my boyfriend and I ended up having an interesting one-hour conversation with them.

Seeing Mr. President and his partner got me to thinking about the future. It seems as though with the advent of the HIV/AIDS crisis and our quotidian endeavors to stay young, gay, and fabulous that we’ve forgotten about the future. Not so much what we want to be when we grow up and things of a financial nature but where we want to be, where we want to be emotionally and spiritually. We’re so scared of dying and so youth oriented that we seldom think about life as older gay people. Yeah you’re gay or bi or ”messin’ with dudes” now but what will you be in 30 years? Can you seriously see yourself with another man or woman for the rest of your life?

I personally have no problems with being gay and don’t really have any hangups about it. I’ve worked all that stuff out already, you know: the confusion, the acceptance, the whole God-hates-me-I’m-an-evil-abominator-syndrome, the contemplations of suicide, that’s what all those awkward teenage years were for. But I’m a grown up now and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I have no regrets (thanks Madonna) about my past stuggles and mistakes because they’ve helped make me the person I am today and if I had the chance to do it all over again I wouldn’t change a thing (thanks Faith Evans). Oddly enough though, I’ve encountered that not too many of my young, black, gay contemporaries share this sentiment. I hear statements such as:

“I don’t plan to do this for the rest of my life”
and
“I plan to get married and have kids some day”

Some of this I have heard from flaming queens who have very limited or no sexual experience with women. Who am I to judge but it just strikes me as a little odd. And don’t get me started on the role that organized religion and the whole “D.L.” (well, not so DL now) thing does to fry people’s brains and self esteem. So many of us are confused and ashamed of ourselves that it makes me wonder. In 44 years will I be able to say I have my Mr. President? Or better yet, will I even want his insecure, confused, low self esteem havin’ ass?

Anyway… seeing Mr. President with his partner caused a really reassuring feeling to rush over me, over the both of us I’m sure. To actually see a relationship working for so long restores so much of my faith in myself and in all the gays. On top of that Mr. President and his partner have a lot in common with me and my boyfriend. They have a May-December relationship as we do (my dude is a few years my senior and Mr. President is older than his partner) and most alarming is the fact that they moved in together after three months. And you guessed it I’ve been involved with my dude for about three months now. The statement caused some nervous laughter between us but my dude and I aren’t thinking about about moving in together right now. We both have leases to finish.

It was amazing to have Mr. President and his partner share with us their wisdom and experiences. To regale us with stories about the good old days, Studio 54, Andy Warhol, bath houses (by the way that would soooo not ever be my thing) and such. Just hearing about life before HIV/AIDS was so fascinating. Watching their way with eachother and the way they completed eachother’s sentences made us both smile. It gave me a real-live, tangible thing to look forward to. Most of my relationships haven’t lasted past 30 days, not to mention 30 years.

The main piece of advice they gave us wasn’t really advice-like at all. Basically they told us that there was no specific way that they stayed together so long. They obviously liked eachother, they fell in love, and they just worked at it. Mr. President’s lover even said that it was even okay to tell a little white lie every once in a while to spare the other feelings… What? I almost couldn’t believe it. They’re not perfect, they are just normal people like you and me. Normal people who actually took the time and effort to work at a relationship. Even I could do that.

Whether me and my current dude make it for the next thirty years or not at least I can rest easier at night knowing that it is indeed possible.

Top Of The Rock (Official Website)

Cipriani Restaurants

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WARNING:
SOME OF THE LANGUAGE AND/OR SUBJECT MATTER IN MY BLOG MAY BE OFFENSIVE
TO SOME AND IS NOT SUGGESTED READING FOR ANYONE UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE.
READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
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OK, so I’m in a relationship (I still hate that word) now and one of the major anxieties with the whole thing is the prospect of cheating. What if he cheats on me? Why whatever will I do? I don’t know, but as of late, cheating, well, the idea of the mere act of him having physical sexual contact with someone else doesn’t worry me so much. And it’s definitely not that he’s so innocent or incapable of doing it either.

I remember telling him a while back that if we ever got together and became serious and something were to happen like a “he-was-there-I-was-there-and-the-
clothes-just-fell-off-one-time-jumpoff” or he got his dick sucked at the gym or something I’d rather not know (I can hear the gasps even as I type). He looked at me like I had three heads but I was dead serious. I’ve re-learned a skill that most men are damn near born with, how to separate sex from emotion. I’ve also learned to be more logical and look at the big picture. Oh there’s no doubt in my mind that the aforementioned circumstances are indeed cheating and are wrong, I’d just rather not worry myself about them. And don’t get it twisted I’m certainly not giving him a pass to cheat.

I look at things this way. If someone really wants to be with you there is no need to police them. A little jealously is cute, it shows you care. It’s not good to be totally aloof but being a hyper-suspicious nag is no fun either. I also realize that men are sexual creatures and when in the right (well, I guess for our purposes, wrong) situation things can happen. Do I expect “happenings” to “happen”? No. But this is life, none of us including myself are above error. And don’t forget, this thing does work vice-versa by the way.

If you haven’t noticed already I’m working with some serious reverse psychology here. When you make the idea of cheating taboo and make all these threats (”If you cheat I’m leaving!”) you’re making it all the more alluring and important. Human nature makes us all crave the forbidden. In my experience setting a “what I don’t know won’t hurt me” stance makes cheating far less important. It takes the focus off of it. I know that even if he were to have a random fling with someone else there is nobody out there better than me. That confidence I have in myself is what’s gonna make him think twice before giving in to temptation. And even if he did give in once, what we have is so much deeper than that that it’s not even important that you know and get mad and potentially ruin things. Besides, if he’s a good man and he did cheat it would eat him up so bad inside he’d end up punishing himself and not doing it again. And don’t worry, if he’s not as good a man and makes a habit out of it, he’ll eventually get caught and then you can kick his ass to the curb! Either way you still didn’t waste your time and energy worrying yourself about it.

So yes, I said it. I’m the best person he could ever have. And I’m not talking about just sex either, I’m talking physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I support his endeavors, I lend a helping hand, I’m there when he needs me and vice-versa. That I can say with confidence, can you? If not, then you need to re-evaluate what you are bringing to the table. And shiiiiiiit, if he finds somebody he thinks can do better then he needs to go and be with them anyway because I’m not into keeping anybody who don’t wanna be kept! Like I always say, better to find out two months than two years later.

I’ve said all that to say this kids. if you have something with someone that is rooted in something deeper than looks and bedroom gymnastics your time is better spent nurturing your relationship when you are together than worrying about he’s doing when you are not. Because when the mutual respect (not necessarily love) is really real from both people there’s really nothing to worry about. Because someone can love you to death and still do you wrong. Love is beyond logic. He can screw/be screwed the hell out of/by somebody else and still love you the whole time, after all it’s just sex. It’s respect for you and your feelings that’s gonna make him and you for that matter think twice before giving in to temptation.

Communication is key. Don’t just have sex, talk about it, before, afterwards, during even! What do you like? What does he like? You should create an environment where everyone feels safe to be open and honest. Sex, though a physical need is still an intimate thing. You are entering each other’s bodies all the time, and doing all types of other freaky-deaky stuff (I won’t even ask), this is not the time to be shy. If you have that emotional connection and you are both fully satisfied in the bedroom. Where is there room for someone else? All worrying about it does is put negative energy out into the universe that could attract that very thing you are worrying about back to you.

Ask yourself some questions:
And for our purposes there are right and wrong answers. If you choose a wrong answer, no biggie. That’s just something that needs to be re-evaluated.
• Do you want to cheat on him? (hopefully no)
• Do you enjoy your time with him? (hopefully yes)
• Are you the best person you could possibly be? (hopefully yes)
• Is your relationship based on more than just sex? (hopefully so)
• Is the sex good to you? (hopefully so)
• If not, how can it improve? (tell him)
• Is the sex good for him? (ask him)
• Do you respect him? (hopefully yes)
• Shouldn’t he be feeling the same ways you do? (ask him)
So I’m asking, what were you worried about again?

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WARNING:
SOME OF THE LANGUAGE AND/OR SUBJECT MATTER IN MY BLOG MAY BE OFFENSIVE
TO SOME AND IS NOT SUGGESTED READING FOR ANYONE UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE.
READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
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I went out to a club last night. See, I’m not really much of a club person. It’s good to get dressed and go out and let the kids see your face every once in a while but after about an hour I’m ready to go home. On top of that the fact that I hardly ever drink, don’t really dance, or like rap music so much…

Hold on a second, hold that thought, I need to digress. Last time I went out to a club me and a friend of mine were having one of those tilt-your-
head-so-I-can-yell-in-your-ear-over-this-loud-ass-rap-music conversations about how the black gay clubs nowadays hardly play any “gay” music anymore. Or at least music by artists that openly support the LGBT community.

It seems like nowadays everybody’s trying so hard (most failing miserably) to be a thug. I haven’t heard music anybody like Janet Jackson or any other of our lovely hags (except for Beyonce [ugh!], evethough she wasn’t always a hag, she’s a business woman who just got into who her main audience is, hence the video anthology.) in a club in like forever. I’m not a total hater of rap music but I long for the days when they used to at least mix it up a bit. If half of rap these artists knew how many spins they were getting in gay clubs they’d have a fit. I’m just not into supporting artists who don’t support me. These rap dudes with all this “faggot this, faggot that” just don’t do it for me. And don’t get me started on the reggae and dancehall people…

Alrighty, back to the topic at hand… The real reason why I’m not in love with the club scene is because it is a relationship graveyard. Because the black gay community is a microcosm of a microcosm, our circle, even here in New York, in the largest city in the country is relatively small. Seeing ex- boyfrends, ex-dates, ex-fucks, ex-jumpoffs, ex-threesome people, ‘ex-cetera’ is always someting I try to prepare myself for but there’s no way I could ever be quite prepared. And it started before I even walked in the door…

Mike and I got out of the cab and approached the club. We were on the list so we didn’t have to worry about paying or waiting on line or anything. I go into my wallet to get my ID, I look up and then I saw him:

Person #1 was someone I messed with a while back when I first moved to Harlem. He was cool and things didn’t end on a bad note or anything I just got busy and he got busy. He wouldn’t let me fuck him then I got real busy (LOL) and stopped calling. We talked online before and he gave me his number. I never called. We would see eachother around the way and have small talk here and there but it never went much further. To put things in perspective our meeting wasn’t so awkward. I just wish I would have stated what my intentions were and we could have been friends by now. I was such an asshole to not ever call him again, he didn’t deserve that. There was nothing wrong with him, except for the whole top thing.

As we were led deeper into the club I took everything in, the strippers, the stilt people (nice touch), the whole vibe of the crowd in general. I looked toward the bar at the left and then I saw him:

Person #2 was someone I had a short interaction with last year. We met online, he sent me his picture and we had a few really nice conversations. After a month or so we still had never met. One day the opportunity came for us to meet and meet we did. I ended up fucking him as well. It was mutually good and soon after that I started developing feelings for him (I used to be such a girl that way). He was always very callous and super aloof about that whole thing. I never understood that though. How are you gonna let a dude beat and then just walk away from it like it’s nothing? Well I tried to get closer to him (oh yeah, I never told y’all I used to be stupid like that) and he got more cold so I just gave up, erased his number and changed my number. It was a way for me to rid myself of the temptation to call him, to have him not be able to call me (as though he was really gonna call) and cut off fifty other people I needed to cut off, a three-fold blessing and a real turning point for me. I had actually seen him before outside a club in another city but I’m pretty sure he didn’t see me. I didn’t even make eye contact. Last night though I’m about ninety percent sure he saw me right when I saw him. A quick glance and we both look away. Welcome to Awkard City, population: us. There is a part of me that wishes I had said something to him last night. Nothing major, just a head nod or something just to show that I was unaffected by the situation. But I guess I really wasn’t unaffected and that’s okay because the whole experience taught me so much.

Just like in all clubs they have that mind numbing block of reggae music that me and Mike cannot stand (I have nothing prejudicial against Carribean people, culture or music but it’s just not for me). We wander into the side room where they are playing house music which for me isn’t perfect but a little more tolerable. I look at myself in the mirror, take a few paces toward the bar and then I saw him:

Person # 3 was someone I went on one date with about six months ago. We went back to my place and messed around a little after that. I remember him having to leave that night quite abruptly. I think we talked a few times after that but then I started getting disinterested. He lived kinda far away and I knew I wouldn’t see him as much as I would have liked (I can be spoiled like that). I was starting not to see the point so I just stopped answering his phonecalls. Yeah I know I was a total asshole for that. I had actually seen him a few times before but it we did the whole glance and look away thing. He even confronted me about it on my MySpace page. Just when the flight was about to land in Awkward International he grabbed me and said “When you see me you not gonna speak!”. I was really taken aback by the whole thing because I really wasn’t prepared to speak, at least not right then. He really put me at ease and I was the one who was wrong. Throughout the night when we saw eachother we would speak and have small talk here and there and even share a few laughs. It was a kee-kee (LOL). I felt really bad about what I had done. If I had just been honest from the beginning we could have been talking and being normal months ago.

What makes me saddest about this whole experience is the fact that everything I hate I feel myself becoming. All the shade that was thrown on me in seasons past I see myself starting to throw on others and I really don’t like it. My mother always says “hurting people, hurt people” and she’s absolutely right. I decided that when this year came in I would be a much more honest and forthright person. This blog is actually helping me move toward that.

I’ve decided that if I’m ever in a situation with someone that I’m uncomfortable with I’m just gonna be honest. I know that ‘breaking things off’ conversation is hard and it us much easier at the present time to simply ignore, but it’s just not the right thing to do and I know I wouldnt want it done to me. Everybody at least deserves an explanation or at least some notice for why or when they’re being broken up with. So next time you see that person’s name on your phone and you know that you’re just not feeling it anymore, before you press ‘ignore’ think about how a not-so convenient coversation could save you many awkward moments later.

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WARNING:
SOME OF THE LANGUAGE AND/OR SUBJECT MATTER IN MY BLOG MAY BE OFFENSIVE
TO SOME AND IS NOT SUGGESTED READING FOR ANYONE UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE.
READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
====================================================================

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I just wanted to start off by saying thanks to everyone who stopped by and left well wishes in the guestbook and in my email since the official launching of the ABenjaminIrby.com website on Good Friday, April 6th.
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As Christians all around the world (like me) take the time today to reflect on the resurrection of Jesus Christ by meditation, prayer, or going to church in tacky pastel COGIC suits (LOL)… My mother has a blackmail picture of me in a yellow (yes yellow) suit with yellow suede shoes going to Easter service one year. What was I thinking about? But I digress, this Resurrection season has resurrected an idea that seemed dead for me a long time ago… companionship. The idea that I could actually “be” with someone honestly without all the games. Just when I wasn’t looking for it it snuck it’s way in. It’s crazy to hear myself say this but… I’m taken.

Yes, I am really taken. I have a boyfriend. It even looks weird as I type it on the screen. We’ve been dating for a little over two months now and we’ve decided to go steady. We liked eachother from the start and I told him in the beginning that I wanted to start out as friends and not rush or put rules on anything. You do what you wanna do, see who you wanna see, and I did as well. It was drama free. After a while the only people we wanted to see are eachother and here we are.

Our relationship (I hate that word, It sounds so heavy.) is really cool. We’re ALOT alike. We’re the same sign (we’re both leos, the only sign egotistical and narcissistic enough to be super attracted to itself). We are both entrepreneurial and creative, our skills overlap causing us to work together on certain projects every so often but not every day. We learn from eachother. We also know how to be together but still give eachother space while giving eachother the attention that leos so desperately need (I know it’s weird but it’s a leo thing). Starting as friends first was a great idea, something I hadn’t tried before and it’s really working for us because after the romance and sex we can still chill and talk like the friends we started out to be.

Most importantly, our relationship (cringing still) wasn’t rushed and it feels BALANCED. I have been in relationships where I felt like… scratch that I knew I was doing and giving more than the other person. This isn’t like that. He’s as into me as I am into him and it’s really cool. Were not putting to much on it though. We’re communicating and taking it one day at a time.

So I’ve said that to say this kids. Don’t give up on companionship. I know it sounds cliche but when you stop looking for it that’s when it comes. Get into yourself, concentrate on what you gotta do. Don’t be so desperate! (That was soooooooo much more for me than it was for you LOL) I know it’s difficult not to become jaded and bitter with all stress we’ve all been through with relationships but the last thing the world needs is another bitter jaded fag.

HAPPY EASTER!

====================================================================
WARNING:
SOME OF THE LANGUAGE AND/OR SUBJECT MATTER IN MY BLOG MAY BE OFFENSIVE
TO SOME AND IS NOT SUGGESTED READING FOR ANYONE UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE.
READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
====================================================================

Lately I have really been thinking about why I’ve gone from unsuccessful relationship to even-more-unsuccessful relationship to unsuccessful-unhealthly-borderline-psychotic relationship all of my adult life and as much as I’d like to, and as easy as it is to blame it on the other person I’ve come to realize that the main reason why my past relationships haven’t worked out is, well, me. Yours probably didn’t work out because of you too. I’m going to use these posts (notice that they are multi-part ‘cuz I have that many issues) to deconstruct myself. I will be slipping into and out of first and second person in throughout these posts so follow me closely.

Now of course there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being single and fancy free if thats what you really wanna be. But for those of us who may be shopping around for the right one stick around maybe we can help eachother out.

The first reason why my relationships never work out is:

“I take things way too personally way too early.”

You know how when you first start dating someone and everything feels really good but in a weird kinda way. Weird because you’re still trying to feel the person out and you don’t really know their relationship habits yet. Out of sheer eagerness and an effort to get to know the person better we download their every action into our memory for further future analysis.

Let me give you a somewhat fictional example of a burgeoning relationship between me and an anonymous person by the name of Joe Blow. This example isn’t taken from one specific relationship experience but from a compilation of them. I’m sure there will be a few things you can relate to here:

• Me and Joe Blow have been talking for two weeks.
• Joe Blow and I both work but we still manage to find time to call and text eachother.
• Joe Blow has been calling me around 7a every morning at to wake me up for work. He’s been scheduled to work the last two Saturdays so I’ve been calling him at 8:30a to wake him up.
• I call Joe Blow when I’m on my way to the train.
• Joe Blow will text me when he gets to work and I’ll text back and we’ll have light text conversation into the mid-morning before we both get busy at work.
• I’ll call Joe Blow on my lunch break.
• We may have some light text message conversation in the early afternoon.
• I call him when I’m leaving work.
• He calls me when he gets home from work.
• He slipped up and called me “baby” during that phone conversation.
• I slipped up and liked it and took it to heart.
• We chill at his house tonight.
• He chills at my house 2 days later.
• I called him “baby” during sex. He called me “baby” too.
• When hanging out with his friends for the first time his best friend alludes to a situation where I would be looked at by someone else and Joe Blow got jealous. I took it to heart.
• We ran into my best friend later that night and he met Joe Blow for the first time. The first thing my friend said to us was “This is cute, I see it for y’all.” And my smile confirmed that I saw it too. Joe Blow smiled as well, he even chuckled a little. But what did his smile say?
• That next night Joe Blow was going to a house party with his best friend and he called me before he was leaving. I said something that made me sound jealous.
• I woke up at 7:15 the next morning. No call.
• 7:49a: I’m walking to the train and I call… 3 rings… voicemail.
• 9:37a: My phone vibrates. It’s my best friend asking “What’s the tea?” No Joe.
• 12:03a: An hour before my lunch break. I start send Joe a text:
“What’s good? What happened to you this morning?”
I stare at it. Maybe I shouldn’t ask him what happened. I may scare him. Am I coming on too strong? Why did I get jealous about him going out last night? Why do I care so much? Why am I feeling this way about him? So I erase it. I type a simple:
“Whaddup homie?”
It’s soul-less, it’s boring, it’s transparent. It’s real bullshit way for me to hide my feelings. But I pressed the send button and I can’t take it back now. So off it goes like a boomerang into the distance. God please let it come back… soon.
• 4:43p: My phone vibrates again. Please God please. It’s my best friend
“Do u n ya date wanna chill w me n ma date 2nite @ BBQ’s?”
I’m not even sure if I still have a ‘date” anymore.
• 6:19p: Still no Joe. I call again. Straight to voicemail. Where the fuck is this nigga? Is he playing me? This is some bullshit!

Starting to sound familiar?

So what went wrong here? Is Joe Blow just an asshole? Was it me? Was it something that I did? Did I come on too strong? There was a time that when faced with a situation like this these were the thoughts that ran through my head. But thank God for hindsight, being 20/20 and looking at the situation from the outside I have grown into looking at things with a much better perspective. So let’s break things down:

Is Joe Blow just an asshole?
Maybe. He could have very well pulled the proverbial “I-think-I’ve-found-somebody-better-so-instead-of-having-
the-balls-to-break-it-off-with-you-I’ll-just-stop-answering-
your-calls-faggot-ass-bullshit” or my personal favorite the “I-think-things-are-moving-too-fast-so-instead-of-having-the-
balls-to-break-it-off-with-you-I’ll-just-stop-answering-your-
calls-faggot-ass-bullshit” that the gays have made famous. Or on the other hand he could have been rushing out for work and left his phone at home. I was so busy taking things to heart and overreacting that I totally did not consider that possibility.

The truth is that it really doesn’t matter whether Joe is an asshole or not, he can be an elbow or a pinky fingernail for all I care. The person with the problem is you. You are the one that matters here. In a relationship, friendship, partnership or drunk in the back of a cruise ship your actions are all you can claim responsibility for.

The main thing I did wrong was take Joe Blow’s words to heart. People say a lot of things for a lot of reasons. Yeah he called me “baby”. Yeah he got jealous when his friend mentioned other dudes looking at me. What did that make me think? That I was special to him? And I very well could be. But would me not hearing from him for 11 hours make me any less special? If it does it speaks volumes about our whatever we wanna call it. But in these short weeks is there really much to speak about?

I assumed that because he called me “baby” and didn’t totally freak out when I said it back and because he seemed to get a little jealous the other night that I was special. Why, because he said stuff? Unfortunately people say a lot of things, things they don’t necessarily have to mean. Take a look at the situations we were in, what else was he supposed to say?

Infatuation, love (throwing up profusely, given the short time span), the “zsa zsa zu” even (if you are Carrie Bradshaw) is a crazy thing. I was so caught up in everything that was happening that I didn’t take the time to think about things. We would avoid so much if we stopped and thought things over. For example, when Joe didn’t call me when he was supposed to. See I just did it… “supposed to”. I just gave myself undue jurisdiction over when Joe can and cannot call me. Granted, we were kinda developing a groove but nothing was agreed upon. That’s because we never talked about anything. There was a definite lack of communication and a strong dependence on inference. You know what happens when we assume (we end up writing blogs detailing our effed up past relationships).

Next time a Joe doesn’t call when you feel as though he should call. Stop and think about it. Breathe. Maybe Joe wasn’t being an asshole, maybe he really did leave his cell phone at home. Maybe he got caught up in a family situation or hit by a truck, God forbid. Then again he could just be an asshole and if he is, so what? Stop internalizing everything. Everything is not all your fault. Its not Joe as much as it is your internal cross-examination that’s driving you crazy. RELAX!

Either way next time you talk to Joe, really talk to Joe. Tell him how you are feeling. but before you tell him anything, think about your feelings and if they feel the slightest bit rushed or silly maybe they are. If Joe never calls, he just did you a favor. Better two weeks than two years, right?