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WARNING:
SOME OF THE LANGUAGE AND/OR SUBJECT MATTER IN MY BLOG MAY BE OFFENSIVE
TO SOME AND IS NOT SUGGESTED READING FOR ANYONE UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE.
READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
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I went out to a club last night. See, I'm not really much of a club person. It's good to get dressed and go out and let the kids see your face every once in a while but after about an hour I'm ready to go home. On top of that the fact that I hardly ever drink, don't really dance, or like rap music so much...
Hold on a second, hold that thought, I need to digress. Last time I
went out to a club me and a friend of mine were having one of those
tilt-your-
head-so-I-can-yell-in-your-ear-over-this-loud-ass-rap-music
conversations about how the black gay clubs nowadays hardly play any
"gay" music anymore. Or at least music by artists that openly
support the LGBT community.
It seems like nowadays everybody's trying so hard (most failing miserably) to be a thug. I haven't heard music anybody like Janet Jackson or any other of our lovely hags (except for Beyonce [ugh!], even though she wasn't always a hag, she's a business woman who just got into who her main audience is, hence the video anthology.) in a club in like forever. I'm not a total hater of rap music but I long for the days when they used to at least mix it up a bit. If half of rap these artists knew how many spins they were getting in gay clubs they'd have a fit. I'm just not into supporting artists who don't support me. These rap dudes with all this "faggot this, faggot that" just don't do it for me. And don't get me started on the reggae and dancehall people...
Alrighty, back to the topic at hand... The real reason why I'm not in love with the club scene is because it is a relationship graveyard. Because the black gay community is a microcosm of a microcosm, our circle, even here in New York, in the largest city in the country is relatively small. Seeing ex- boyfrends, ex-dates, ex-fucks, ex-jumpoffs, ex-threesome people, 'ex-cetera' is always someting I try to prepare myself for but there's no way I could ever be quite prepared. And it started before I even walked in the door...
Mike and I got out of the cab and approached the club. We were on the list so we didn't have to worry about paying or waiting on line or anything. I go into my wallet to get my ID, I look up and then I saw him:
Person #1 was someone I messed with a while back when I first moved to Harlem. He was cool and things didn't end on a bad note or anything I just got busy and he got busy. He wouldn't let me fuck him then I got real busy (LOL) and stopped calling. We talked online before and he gave me his number. I never called. We would see eachother around the way and have small talk here and there but it never went much further. To put things in perspective our meeting wasn't so awkward. I just wish I would have stated what my intentions were and we could have been friends by now. I was such an asshole to not ever call him again, he didn't deserve that. There was nothing wrong with him, except for the whole top thing.
As we were led deeper into the club I took everything in, the strippers, the stilt people (nice touch), the whole vibe of the crowd in general. I looked toward the bar at the left and then I saw him:
Person #2 was someone I had a short interaction with last year. We met online, he sent me his picture and we had a few really nice conversations. After a month or so we still had never met. One day the opportunity came for us to meet and meet we did. I ended up fucking him as well. It was mutually good and soon after that I started developing feelings for him (I used to be such a girl that way). He was always very callous and super aloof about that whole thing. I never understood that though. How are you gonna let a dude beat and then just walk away from it like it's nothing? Well I tried to get closer to him (oh yeah, I never told y'all I used to be stupid like that) and he got more cold so I just gave up, erased his number and changed my number. It was a way for me to rid myself of the temptation to call him, to have him not be able to call me (as though he was really gonna call) and cut off fifty other people I needed to cut off, a three-fold blessing and a real turning point for me. I had actually seen him before outside a club in another city but I'm pretty sure he didn't see me. I didn't even make eye contact. Last night though I'm about ninety percent sure he saw me right when I saw him. A quick glance and we both look away. Welcome to Awkard City, population: us. There is a part of me that wishes I had said something to him last night. Nothing major, just a head nod or something just to show that I was unaffected by the situation. But I guess I really wasn't unaffected and that's okay because the whole experience taught me so much.
Just like in all clubs they have that mind numbing block of reggae music that me and Mike cannot stand (I have nothing prejudicial against Carribean people, culture or music but it's just not for me). We wander into the side room where they are playing house music which for me isn't perfect but a little more tolerable. I look at myself in the mirror, take a few paces toward the bar and then I saw him:
Person # 3 was someone I went on one date with about six months ago. We went back to my place and messed around a little after that. I remember him having to leave that night quite abruptly. I think we talked a few times after that but then I started getting disinterested. He lived kinda far away and I knew I wouldn't see him as much as I would have liked (I can be spoiled like that). I was starting not to see the point so I just stopped answering his phonecalls. Yeah I know I was a total asshole for that. I had actually seen him a few times before but it we did the whole glance and look away thing. He even confronted me about it on my MySpace page. Just when the flight was about to land in Awkward International he grabbed me and said "When you see me you not gonna speak!". I was really taken aback by the whole thing because I really wasn't prepared to speak, at least not right then. He really put me at ease and I was the one who was wrong. Throughout the night when we saw eachother we would speak and have small talk here and there and even share a few laughs. It was a kee-kee (LOL). I felt really bad about what I had done. If I had just been honest from the beginning we could have been talking and being normal months ago.
What makes me saddest about this whole experience is the fact that everything I hate I feel myself becoming. All the shade that was thrown on me in seasons past I see myself starting to throw on others and I really don't like it. My mother always says "hurting people, hurt people" and she's absolutely right. I decided that when this year came in I would be a much more honest and forthright person. This blog is actually helping me move toward that.
I've decided that if I'm ever in a situation with someone that I'm uncomfortable with I'm just gonna be honest. I know that 'breaking things off' conversation is hard and it us much easier at the present time to simply ignore, but it's just not the right thing to do and I know I wouldn't want it done to me. Everybody at least deserves an explanation or at least some notice for why or when they're being broken up with. So next time you see that person's name on your phone and you know that you're just not feeling it anymore, before you press 'ignore' think about how a not-so convenient conversation could save you many awkward moments later.
If I was you, I would have been the first to say "hi". You should have went up there and rub the fact that you got a good man by your side. You need to show them you still got "it".
And by "it", I mean that swagger. That "thing" that makes you elusive. Irresistible. And grand.
Everyone has "it", but there are some who can show it off better than others.
I totally agree with Queer Kid.
I would have done jus' that (but that's jus' me when it comes to people); I would have seen them, say hi, briefly catch up on each other's lives and then depart unto the rest of the club to further enjoy my night.
Basically it's like being the bigger person.
I've had people, like you black gay men in the community say, "throw shade" (I'm not big on talking the language; it's not a major me thing, I like to make up my own things to say, but I still know some of it and want to learn it to know what folk are saying and if they sayin' it 'bout me) at me, in a sense. They'd like, know my face, but because they didn't know me like they knew their friends they'd pretend they didn't see me or know me. I'd walk right up to them and say hi and even if they were try'na play that card that said they didn't remember they knew me, I remind them. Honestly I do this because I'm not always that actively out in the community at clubs and parties and events (thank God: I'm not and I have a friend and a few who can do it for me) and when I'm finally out there I want to show some concept of familiarity to the scene. Beyond that I mainly do it because I want to be cool, not necessarily friends with a wide selection of the community. I don't wanna be caught out there in this vicious arena called the black gay community or more accurate, the urban black gay community, all by myself without a few well connected friends. Beyond that though being the bigger person in this community of gay people is considerably the best. In your case it may not have been as bad, depending on the person. Some people would throw shade, talk bad behind our back and other attempts at reputaion ruining, embarrass you in public just to make a point, fight or slice your face over somethings as trivial as a break up or miscommunicated words (I'm sure you pick yours well, so you don't end up with folks who take things way too intense).
Basically telling the other person that the relationship isn't working out in a conversation, even if it's gonna be weird and internally wrenching, it's better than nothing. That's happened to me. I told a guy that if that was the case for me: me not still being in love with the person I'm with even though they were, I'd break it off with clear cut words that expressed my inability to continue the relationship. They didn't agree with that and thought it was kinda hurtful and inconsiderate of how the other person felt. To me it wasn't that it's better that way than for me to sneak around and cheat with somebody else I'd rather be with, just to spare feelings. Technically they had a valid reason to be upset and say that my clean break was hurtful. When I explained it I expressed that if I became attracted to someone else while in a relationship with someone who loves me, and I'm in love with (key phrase that triggered the anger), and I feel that the person I'm attracted to is a better fit for me, then I'm gonna make a clean break and move on to the next (like Destiny's Child; refer to Writings On The Wall). It may seem like a grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side situation, but I saw it ina much deeper way. If the new individual was on a higher level of my standards and the current individual seemed that way, but I realized was more of a settle, then I've gotta upgrade and go with the better compliment to my life than the compliment that was lacking to my life.
Okay this post opened up a lot of things in me that I just had to spill. I hope they correlate in some ways.
And I'm from the Carribean, dancehall, dub, reggae and rocksteady are not the sounds that my country originated (but the youth of my country listen to it like it was that country that originated it). We originated our own music of calypso and soca and embrace and glorify it just as much as Jamaican's do their music. I love both styles, I'm more of an R&B (first), pop (second), rock (third) and hip-hop/rap consumer. I grew up with dancehall and reggae around me and the angry homophobic songs. I didn't understand the songs at a young age, but grew to comprehend. Artist like Buju and Beenie are great and talented artist and they bring classic records to the table, but their hateful songs just are too much and even more it seems ridiculous and sometimes unnecessary for them to sing these songs, especially entire tracks about it. I say "sometimes unnecessary", since I usually don't like things censored (like my music for instance and movies too). Sometimes it's necessary, but still if you block or blur something out their's still a truth behind it that might be necessary to see and sometimes even to sooth the curiousity. With dancehall music and some reggae they throw around the homophobie to much and too outrageously. To express your disapproval and dislke and your need to distance your self from it is your opinion in art, but to be all over it and jump on it constantly like that, is ridiculous. It's like that's the only thing on your mind. It's like you say you like females, but your anger toward gay men seems to out weigh that. One artist I never was into, even for most (not all) of his non-homophobic songs, was Sizzla. I heard a song from him on a a mix tape, going crazy about how much he hated and wanted to kill gay men. He sounded so comical and insane that I had to laugh. He was yelling, screaming and cussin' about it like someone angered him by aggitating him and he was ready to fight. The funniest thing about it was that he was getting so riled up about it on the song like it affected him so deeply, when for him it's not supposed to, by his claims. Jamaican's don't like the gays, but they sure have a lot.
Well, catch yuh on the next post. Luvs it!
Holla! (that's rhetorical)