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WARNING:
SOME OF THE LANGUAGE AND/OR SUBJECT MATTER IN MY BLOG MAY BE OFFENSIVE
TO SOME AND IS NOT SUGGESTED READING FOR ANYONE UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE.
READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
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OK, so I’m in a relationship (I still hate that word) now and one of the major anxieties with the whole thing is the prospect of cheating. What if he cheats on me? Why whatever will I do? I don’t know, but as of late, cheating, well, the idea of the mere act of him having physical sexual contact with someone else doesn’t worry me so much. And it’s definitely not that he’s so innocent or incapable of doing it either.
I remember telling him a while back that if we ever got together and
became serious and something were to happen like a
“he-was-there-I-was-there-and-the-
clothes-just-fell-off-one-time-jumpoff” or he got his dick sucked at
the gym or something I’d rather not know (I can hear the gasps even as
I type). He looked at me like I had three heads but I was dead serious.
I’ve re-learned a skill that most men are damn near born with, how to
separate sex from emotion. I’ve also learned to be more logical and
look at the big picture. Oh there’s no doubt in my mind that the
aforementioned circumstances are indeed cheating and are wrong, I’d
just rather not worry myself about them. And don’t get it twisted I’m
certainly not giving him a pass to cheat.
I look at things this way. If someone really wants to be with you there is no need to police them. A little jealously is cute, it shows you care. It’s not good to be totally aloof but being a hyper-suspicious nag is no fun either. I also realize that men are sexual creatures and when in the right (well, I guess for our purposes, wrong) situation things can happen. Do I expect “happenings” to “happen”? No. But this is life, none of us including myself are above error. And don’t forget, this thing does work vice-versa by the way.
If you haven’t noticed already I’m working with some serious reverse psychology here. When you make the idea of cheating taboo and make all these threats (”If you cheat I’m leaving!”) you’re making it all the more alluring and important. Human nature makes us all crave the forbidden. In my experience setting a “what I don’t know won’t hurt me” stance makes cheating far less important. It takes the focus off of it. I know that even if he were to have a random fling with someone else there is nobody out there better than me. That confidence I have in myself is what’s gonna make him think twice before giving in to temptation. And even if he did give in once, what we have is so much deeper than that that it’s not even important that you know and get mad and potentially ruin things. Besides, if he’s a good man and he did cheat it would eat him up so bad inside he’d end up punishing himself and not doing it again. And don’t worry, if he’s not as good a man and makes a habit out of it, he’ll eventually get caught and then you can kick his ass to the curb! Either way you still didn’t waste your time and energy worrying yourself about it.
So yes, I said it. I’m the best person he could ever have. And I’m not talking about just sex either, I’m talking physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I support his endeavors, I lend a helping hand, I’m there when he needs me and vice-versa. That I can say with confidence, can you? If not, then you need to re-evaluate what you are bringing to the table. And shiiiiiiit, if he finds somebody he thinks can do better then he needs to go and be with them anyway because I’m not into keeping anybody who don’t wanna be kept! Like I always say, better to find out two months than two years later.
I’ve said all that to say this kids. if you have something with someone that is rooted in something deeper than looks and bedroom gymnastics your time is better spent nurturing your relationship when you are together than worrying about he’s doing when you are not. Because when the mutual respect (not necessarily love) is really real from both people there’s really nothing to worry about. Because someone can love you to death and still do you wrong. Love is beyond logic. He can screw/be screwed the hell out of/by somebody else and still love you the whole time, after all it’s just sex. It’s respect for you and your feelings that’s gonna make him and you for that matter think twice before giving in to temptation.
Communication is key. Don’t just have sex, talk about it, before, afterwards, during even! What do you like? What does he like? You should create an environment where everyone feels safe to be open and honest. Sex, though a physical need is still an intimate thing. You are entering each other’s bodies all the time, and doing all types of other freaky-deaky stuff (I won’t even ask), this is not the time to be shy. If you have that emotional connection and you are both fully satisfied in the bedroom. Where is there room for someone else? All worrying about it does is put negative energy out into the universe that could attract that very thing you are worrying about back to you.
Ask yourself some questions:
And for our purposes there are right and wrong answers. If you choose a
wrong answer, no biggie. That’s just something that needs to be
re-evaluated.
• Do you want to cheat on him? (hopefully no)
• Do you enjoy your time with him? (hopefully yes)
• Are you the best person you could possibly be? (hopefully yes)
• Is your relationship based on more than just sex? (hopefully so)
• Is the sex good to you? (hopefully so)
• If not, how can it improve? (tell him)
• Is the sex good for him? (ask him)
• Do you respect him? (hopefully yes)
• Shouldn’t he be feeling the same ways you do? (ask him)
So I’m asking, what were you worried about again?
Gorgeous advice.
Since high school (although to this day I've still never had a boyfriend) I've thought about cheating when I'm in a releationship. I don't mean me thinking about how to cheat or cheating in a relationship. I mean, w'at if I was in a relationship, would I have a desire to cheat even though I'm with somebody I really love? My father was a cheater (and apparently a pimp or a player or something like that) and I was born while my father was married to a woman he already had an established family with. (smiling at this thought as I think of it and write it:) I even have a brother who was born later in the same year that I was born and he shares my first name (my mother and I suspect his mother was trying to be, in some way, vindictive). I wondered if my father's cheating manner would be apart of me.
The reason I happened to think about this particular topic was due to the fact that I had this crush on this guy in my school that I was so enamored with and always wonder if he had a li'l bit of gay in his sexy ass (apparently I'm the only person that thought he was hot). I was crushing on him so hard that I wrote, what I didn't consider to be poetry, but just an expression of my feelings written on paper, but it seemed like poetry (I just didn't think I should call it that though). I told some of my friends in school about it (they were mainly girls; I just feel more confortable with them and usually get along better with them), but they didn't see the attraction (they wrote his ass off major). I didn't care. It was beyond the physical with him for me. He just personified a vibe that I felt would make such a great boyfriend (and that means, to me, physical, mental, psycological, emotional, personal and most of the other als). He was at the top of my list of dudes at my school that I could see myself with (one of my earlier lists). With my list of high school fantasy lovers it made me wonder if it was possbile for me to be with my #1 crush and stay faithful. I mean we're human and we can look even if we're in a relationship, but I don't want to say never (never say never). I could say I wouldn't from my crushing state or from an earlier portion of the relationship, but what about deep into a relationship?
Until I'm in a relationship I'll see who I am in the relationship (I don't know if you understand what I jus' wrote). Until I experience a real life love then I'll know what might be hidden in me that I never knew was there. I do know your advice is available and seems to be a successful method at handling a relationship and figuring out if it's right, working and good for the people involved in the relationship (I know, you hate that last word and I jus' kept throwin' it around).