August 2007 Archives

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I wasn't 100% sure whether I wanted to tell this story but I told it anyway. I'm not passing judgment on anyone or their way of life. It's up to each one of us to decide how we want to live and what we'll have around us.
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It's funny how being in a relationship can change our lives and introduce us to new lifestyles and ways of thinking. Think of how many things you learned about because you used to date what's-his-name. Or music artists or TV shows you got hooked on due to what's-his-name having them on all the time. Even when you and what's-his-name have long parted you still enjoy those things he introduced you to. Every relationship has the opportunity to change our lives. The exposure to different things during the course of a past relationship on the other hand can reinforce your own ways of thinking and give you further confirmation that your way is really what's best for you. Sometimes an unsuccessful trial at a different way of life gives us the confidence not to change.

My first substantial relationship was with this guy, we'll call him Michael. When I first met Michael online I was immediately enamored with him. I thought he was so fine. After our first date we started seeing each other more and more often. It was difficult though because I was from Brooklyn and he was from all the way up in the Bronx and at the time we both lived at home with our parents. But through some sneaking around, a few quiet quickies and some hotel rooms here and there we still managed to see each other. Love always finds a way, that is if the mutual desire is there. In a strange twist of fate he ended up moving with some other relatives to Brooklyn about fifteen blocks away from me. We actually lived on the same street.

Michael lived in the projects (public housing) in both the Bronx and Brooklyn. Until I started dating him I had never been in the projects before. I grew up in Brooklyn, in East New York, I know it sounds crazy. There were at least five project developments within walking distance from me. I had seen them all before, I'd been around the perimeter but never inside. I was always told that the projects are for the people who live there and that it was not the place to be if you didn't know anybody. I didn't grow up rich, my parents worked hard, we lived okay, I never went to bed hungry. I guess you could say we were somewhat middle class. I don't think my parents thought that we were better than anyone else but now looking back I realize that there were certain things that they didn't want me around and for good reason.

That summer I would go see Michael every other day. Unlike my family his family knew about and accepted his sexuality so I would spend way more time there than he would at my house. In fact the whole project knew about Michael, he grew up there between that project and the other one in the Bronx. He was feminine and hardly shy about his sexuality but he got much respect even from the even the hardest dudes there. He was very different from me to say the least but that's one of the things I liked so much about him. He smoked weed, which is something until that time I had never been around. I can't say I liked it but I didn't come into his life to change him. Even still I used to buy him weed all the time even though I never smoked and I still haven't to this day. He'd gone through so many hardships in his life, we grew up so different but I was just so glad we found each other. I was in love. I knew he was wrong for me but when we were together it felt so right. He was different from anyone else I've ever dated and his whole way of life was different for me. Maybe I was a little sheltered. Maybe I needed to experience something new so I thought I would give it a try.

I have to admit that there were many times I was scared going to see Michael. We would go out on dates at night and being the gentleman I am I would go all the way home with him bringing him all the way to his door. We never wanted those nights to end. I remember being horny and messing around with him by his door. He would then take me into the stairs and suck the hell out of my dick. I guess I wasn't so scared of the projects that I would refuse a blowjob. Once I came back to myself and he went in the house I remember sprinting out of them projects back to the street where at least I felt it was somewhat safe. In retrospect I think I probably was overreacting and probably looked a dayum fool to anyone looking out of the window.

We would hang out during the day too. He introduced me to a lot of his friends who lived in the development. His closest friend was Penelope. Penelope was a sweetheart but she was the epitome of a hood chick. Two kids, no job, drinking malt liquor, spitting, smoking, doing the hair of all the girls in the projects, all the stereotypes. One day me Michael and Penelope were sitting outside on a bench. It was like 12 or 1 o'clock in the afternoon. Penelope was smoking and drinking and then she said she had to pee and motioned to get up. She scooted up on the bench a little. Next thing I know she pulled her shorts forward toward her knees and pissed right there on the ground sitting next to me, in the middle of the day, in the summer, in the courtyard of the projects, full of people, mostly children. I had never been so shocked and appalled in all my life. I was dumbfounded. All I remember is seeing this strong, yellow stream of urine hitting the ground hard. I remember moving my feet as not to let the river of urine flow toward my shoes. I couldn't help it but every bourgeois molecule inside of me boiled over and I said:

"Oh my God, Penelope, you pee like a boy!"

I made light of it but secretly I was disgusted, I was the only person who had an adverse reaction to it though. Everyone else moved on with their day as normal, even Michael. I guess this was normal for them. At that moment I questioned how I would fit in here and whether I even wanted to. If Penelope did this, what does Michael do that I haven't seen? I was starting to feel really uncomfortable in the projects. And I know if my parents knew where I was spending my days they would flip. I was raised differently and as much as you may try deviate from how you were raised it can still have a hold on you, whether positive or negative. I really loved him but I knew deep down that this was not going to last so I just decided to enjoy it while I could but at that moment somebody flipped over the hourglass.

One day I was gonna come over to hang out with him and he canceled on me. Y'all know how much I hate that. I saw him the next day and he told me the reason why we couldn't hang out the day before. The police came and arrested Penelope's brother, who so happens to be the neighborhood drug dealer. The federal agents were coming to do a search on Penelope's apartment, where her brother was also staying. Michael and Penelope spent all of the day before ridding the house of contraband. Well at least he had a good reason, right?

While we were outside Penelope asks Michael to let her in his apartment upstairs. She said that she needed to go and make twenty dollars real quick. We all end up upstairs in Michael's room. Penelope walks in and Michael hands her a small package from way in the back of his closet. She takes it and leaves. I ask:

"What was that?"

"Crack."

"Crack, what you mean crack?"

"Penelope is gonna to sell it to one of the fiends outside."

"Wait a minute. That's crack, like real live crack, crack! Like I'll suck yo dick for two dollars, crack?"

"Yeah"

"Oh hayell no' I thought. I don't know much about the criminal justice system as I have never gotten as much as a parking ticket before but I do know that if the police walked in we'd all be going to jail. Needless to say that was the beginning of the end for me and Michael. By that time we had been having some other issues and this only magnified them. Even though I loved him a lot (a little too much, but that's a whole 'nother blog post) we ended our relationship soon after for unrelated reasons.

Me and Michael obviously weren't meant to be. We were just too different. Some would say that I should have stayed around him and helped him to change, to make him better. I don't feel as though I'm any quote-unquote better than Michael. I just make and have made different decisions. To try to be an influence on him would imply that his way of life is wrong and mine is right. Of course I don't advocate the sale of illegal drugs and I let him know how I felt about it but that's all I could do. I know that that kind of life wasn't good for me. Sometimes an unsuccessful trial at a different way of life gives us the confidence not to change.

And don't get me wrong. I know that everyone is who lives in the projects does not live like the people mentioned in this blog post. This is my personal experience. The life you live is dictated more by your state of mind than the state you live in. But I still do believe that your surroundings can influence you.

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Playing In The Background...
"Healing"
by Kelly Price
from the album "This Is Who I Am"
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**TODAY IS THE LAST DAY TO VOTE!**
IF YOU HAVEN'T VOTED! PLEASE VOTE!
VOTING ENDS AT 4PM EASTERN STANDARD TIME (-5)

A while back I posted on the blog a link for you guys to go and nominate me for a 2007 Black Weblog Award.

I just wanted to thank you for your overwhelming support you guys are great!

I have been nominated for two awards:

Best LGBT Blog
Best New Blog

Now all I need you to do is vote for me so I can win!!!

Voting is really easy it's only 3 easy steps and will only take another 45 seconds of your time.

This is what you do:

1) Go to this address: http://www.blackweblogawards.com/database/step1.php
and put in your name and email address and press "Proceed To Step 2"

2) Under each of the categories check off one of the three blogs listed.
There are also links to them so you could check them out if you want.

Be sure that for:
- Best LGBT Blog
- Best New Blog
pick my blog: Adam's Blog @ ABenjaminIrby.com

Remember: YOU MUST PICK A CHOICE FOR EACH OF THE CATEGORIES IN ORDER FOR THE BALLOT TO BE ACCEPTED.

3) Then click on "Submit Your Ballot"

That's It!

Thanks so much for the continued support of the blog,
- A. Benjamin Irby

Dating is like eggs. When eggs are good they're really good. Scrambled, over easy, fried, boiled, there's nothing like an egg when it's prepared well. Ooh but when eggs are bad... an upset stomach and much throwing up usually follow and that's the end of that meal.

I think being off the market for six months made me forget how much dating truly sucks. I had a date set up with this guy last night and he canceled on me at the last minute, again. He had a good reason, I guess, it was some work shyt. But it still doesn't negate the fact that my evening was totally wasted. Yes, I'm a Leo, I'm a spoiled brat, I want what I want when I want it and if I'm not getting it after awhile I become disinterested. But I am a man of my word when it comes to keeping appointments, it's very, very, very rare that I break a date. Chronic date breaking, like cold scrambled eggs, turn my stomach and will eventually cause me to walk away from the table.

I talked to another guy on the phone today. He lives in my old neighborhood in Brooklyn. I remember seeing him on the bus once but I didn't try to talk to him. We found each other online today. We exchanged numbers and I called him. In our conversation today he revealed to me that he likes playing hard to get, you know to see how interested a guy really is. I'm a very laid back and genuine person when it comes to dating. If I like you, I like you, if I don't, I don't. Guys who play hard to get are like eggs fried hard, I'm just not interested.

The edible egg ain't always so incredible.

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Playing In The Background...
"Stood Up"
by ISYSS
from the album "ISYSS"
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Today, August 29th, 2007 is officially Ladies Day here at Adam's Web Log. All of my posts today will have a unifying theme of interest toward the fairer sex.
Enjoy.
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These are stills from J.Lo's new video "Do It Well". Do you see them dancers in that first pic?
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Of course I could not end Ladies Day here on Adam's Web Log without honoring a lady that is near and dear to my heart, none other that Ms. Jennifer Lynn Lopez. I'm not one to  advocate calling women bitches but this is a bad ass bitch right here. She even said it herself (in "I'm Real" from the "J.Lo" album). But what do you expect, she's a Leo and a native New Yorker, like me. It was in the stars for her.

Despite what people say about her limited singing ability. I have always been a fan of J.Lo, the actress as well as the singer. Ever since she starred in "Money Train", one of my favorite movies ever and in her most compelling performance ever in "Selena" (only one of two movies that ever mad me shed a tear) I've been hooked. I have to admit that I wasn't in love with her first album "On The 6" but she came back and turned it with her sophomore album "J.Lo". She literally took over the your radio, your TV, and your movie theatre that year.

J.Lo is an extremely smart woman, she is the queen of marketing. For the last five or six years she has been playing the media like a chess game. Her every move shooting her stardom and worth higher and higher. She dated and dumped P. Diddy (once his Bad Boy foolishness brought her bad press) the man who helped to cement her musical career and street cred. He was so crushed over it that he wrote about seventy five songs about her. She then got with Ben Affleck and released her third album "This Is Me Then" at the apex of her 'Bennifer' period, which shot her stardom into the stratosphere and was one of the smartest marketing moves ever. Her relationship with him cemented her staus as a household name. Her fourth album "Rebirth" (which I really liked) produced her a hit single but didn't fare well on the charts. By this time after her high profile relationships with P. Diddy and Ben Affleck she fell in love with Marc Anthony, who was the love of her life anyway. Now she counts her millions and has only been working on the movie and music projects closest to her heart, such as her spanish album. I'm not saying she used the men she was with to get to where she is, no not at all. I believed she truly loved them but like a true Leo she knows hot to make any situation profitable. She used all her resources to come from modest obscurity to be the multi million dollar triple threat she is today.

Two singles from her new album "Brave" to be released on October 9th, "Hold It, Don't Drop It" and "Do It Well" have been released to pop and urban stations respectively. Another song "Mile In These Shoes" is featured in promos for the new season of the hit TV show "Desperate Housewives". I heard the song last Sunday night and it is straight fiyah! And if the stills from the "Do It Well" video are any indication J.Lo is poised to take over the world again this fall. Now that's a bad bitch!

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Playing In The Background...
"Do It Well"
by Jennifer Lopez
from her album "Brave"
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Today, August 29th, 2007 is officially Ladies Day here at Adam's Web Log. All of my posts today will have a unifying theme of interest toward the fairer sex.
Enjoy.
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This is something I feel so strongly about. I usually try to beat anybody over the head with my opinion here. But on this matter, it is what it is. I HATE IT!

The biggest rift between gay men and straight women especially in the black gay community is, straight men. Unfortunately a lot of black women think that every man, woman, boy, girl, cat, dog, squirrel, bird, rabbit, snake, platypus, praying mantis, frog, and koala bear wants their man. Any smart person would see that homegirl's (let's call her Keisha) problem stems more from her own insecurity than all mankind's wanton lust for her man. Now due to the advent of "DL" (remind me to impale the person who made that shyt up) as a buzz phrase used by the media and now ingrained into the mainstream American consciousness we as gay men are being vilified the most.

And you know what Keisha, to some extent you may be right. I'm sure there are some faggots out here who do want your man and will get close to you to in an effort to steal him from you. But homegirl, I certainly ain't one of them. I'm gay, unequivocally and unapologetically. I know what I am. I like other gay men, not bi (ain't nothing  wrong with a bisexual man, I'd just never date one), not questioning, not deciding, not unsure, but gay.

I don't understand why these faggots that think pulling a quote-unquote "straight" man is some type of accomplishment anyway. I think it's absolutely disgusting! I had a friend who was dating a guy with a girlfriend once. His ass shoulda never told me that. I wore him out about that shyt every day until he broke it off. What the gay person in this type of situation doesn't realize is that what he's doing is not only emotionally toxic to himself but it is helping to bring us all down as gay males. And I'll be damned if I have these faggots making me look bad! Every time a woman catches her man in bed with another man she tells another woman and another woman and another woman and you know how women talk (I'm sorry I had to, it was too easy). Next thing you know I got Keisha rolling her eyes at me on the bus for no apparent reason.

Gays, stop the madness! There's way too many eligible gay men (maybe two you haven't already slept with) out here for us to not have to go dip in the straight pot. The main reason why so many men are on the DL is because we let them be that way. I feel like this, you can't sleep in my bed at night if you can't walk with me during the day! If more of us felt that way this would be a much better world for us all.

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Playing In The Background...
"Can't Hold Us Down"
by Christina Aguilera feat. Lil' Kim
from the album "Stripped"
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Today, August 29th, 2007 is officially Ladies Day here at Adam's Web Log. All of my posts today will have a unifying theme of interest toward the fairer sex.
Enjoy.
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I need a girlfriend. No I'm not saying that in an 'oh, I wish I was straight' kinda way or as a result of some guy breaking my heart. But I need an actual girl friend, a good good girl friend. Every homo needs to have a really really good straight female friend to hang out with and unfortunately I don't have one at the moment. A lot of times us homos can get so caught up in homo culture that we lose sight of all straight people. As our we gain more friends and associates that are homosexuals our world can start to become unbalanced, especially for those who work in the LGBT community. Even in my own life I've noticed that the more involved in the gay community I've become the more I have lost touch with my straight friends.

In high school I had girl friends. My best girl friends were usually black or asian. Amerie would be a perfect candidate to be my best girlfriend if she weren't so busy with her dayum singing career. Look at us, (click here to look at my pictures with Amerie) we look so cute together. We could go shopping and talk about guys and clothes and everything. She would bring her boyfriends around me, I would tell her whether they're gay or not. I'd probably be fucking around with her stylist, or make up artist, or hair stylist, you know they're all probably all gay. It would be perfect, but alas, Amerie is too busy for me. 

Having a girlfriend would also give my parents a little glimmer of hope that I'm straight. I had a really good girlfriend in high school. I took her to church with me once and my parents, especially my father to this day still talks about her and calls her "my little girlfriend". I think to myself 'dude, this was like seven years ago, your kid is gay, let it go!'

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of female friends, just not a really close one. Yesterday I was at Burger King and the Spanish girl behind the counter was saying goodbye to one of her co-workers. He was a lil' fem Spanish boy, probably Puerto Rican or Dominican. They were just talking and laughing, you could tell that they were best friends. I thought 'Awww I wish I had that'.

My future good good girlfriend can't just be any ol' round-the-way strumpet. Adam's girl friend has to be a bad bitch! They type of girl that makes people of both sexes heads turn. Here's a list of what I'm lookin' for. My good good girlfriend:

- must be attractive.
Actually I'd like it better if she were drop dead gorgeous but I can skimp a little on this requirement because it's not like I'm dating her.

- must have NO kids.
I'm not really into kids right now and I don't babysit. She must be available to go out and party on the drop of a dime and a mother (a good one anyway) can't do that. And a girl with kids also equals baby father drama so every time I wanna chill with my home girl I gotta deal with his dumb ass... no thanks!

- must not be homophobic.
That goes without saying but I said it anyway.

- must not be a prude.
As much as I talk about sex I need a girlfriend that won't cover her ears and will be able to take hearing about my exploits.

- must speak the gay lingo.
Event hough I'm not a big speaker of the lingo I do understand it, so must she or she should at least be willing to learn. How is she gonna survive in the gay clubs and not know the language.

- must dress like a girl.
I don't care whether she's straight or gay but my home girl can't be butch. Why you ask, because she can't, that's why. I have enough guy friends. But I still got love for all my AG's, just don't beat me up in the Village, okay? LOL

- must have style.
I need my girlfriend to look like she fell out of a magazine when we go out. Regular everyday doesn't matter so much to me.

- must not be a silly bitch.
I can't have a girlfriend who I have to counsel every eight seconds because some nigga is playing her.

Do you fit the requirements? I hope no one is taking me too seriously as this list is all in fun. But if you're a straight girl lookin for a new gay "guylfriend" I'm your man.

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Playing In The Background...
"Girl"
by Destiny's Child
from the album "Destiny Fulfilled"
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Today, August 29th, 2007 is officially Ladies Day here at Adam's Web Log. All of my posts today will have a unifying theme of interest toward the fairer sex.
Enjoy.
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Yes, the girls are reading, not 'the gurls' (queens reading each other), but actual women with fallopian tubes and everything are reading this blog. Lately I've been noticing that I've been getting more and more comments and emails from women who are readers of the blog. I even got one of my sisters to start reading it and once she got over the shock now she's hooked.

When I started this blog I have to admit that women actually weren't my target demographic. It's not that I wanted to exclude them I just didn't think they'd be very interested in the life and times of a black gay man, boy was I wrong. I thought that all of the sexual references I make here would turn them off. This morning I read one of the comments that one of them left to the "I Really Am A Bottom, I KNOW I Am..." post. She said:

"You are such a good storyteller. I am right there with you every step of the way. I am glad that you didn't just say f*** it and rammed dude up you actually took time to consider how he was feeling in the situation."

I read it and I actually couldn't believe she said that. I think it was the fact that she used the term "rammed dude up". As open and sexual as I am some things can still make even me blush when caught off guard. I don't know why I would blush though, I am the one who wrote the blog post. It's actually really cool that there are women aren't so repressed when it comes to gay sex. I really appreciate her comment.

Now that I think about it my initial expectations of women were actually kind of dumb of me. The theme of the blog is "We Are All Much More Alike Than We Are Different" it's like 'DUH Adam, why wouldn't they be interested?' The whole point of the dayum blog is that we see ourselves in each other. I put forth a purpose and then I start to fulfill it and then I'm shocked when it's actually working out, crazy huh? The only thing I have to do now is teach the women gay lingo. I am actually working on a gay lingo dictionary and it will be posted to the site soon.

Some of the female readers are bloggers themselves so I wanted to give them a shout out. I'm also gonna add them to "My Favorite Blogs" list located on the left panel.  Be sure to check out these blogs:

- Get Erica (she's beautiful)
- Caramel 101's Live Journal (she's bi, papa likes)
  Thanks for the link.

Thank you to every woman who supports this blog!

Especially Angie, the moderator from the JanetJackson.com Message Board who was the first woman who made herself known as an avid reader of my blog.

If you are a blogger or webmaster and you have linked this blog from your website. Let me know so I can give you too a shout out.

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Playing In The Background...
"Not Tonight (remix)"
by Lil' Kim feat. Angie Martinez, Left Eye, Da Brat and Missy Elliott
from the album "Hard Core"
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**3 MORE VOTING DAYS LEFT! IF YOU HAVEN'T VOTED! PLEASE VOTE!**

A while back I posted on the blog a link for you guys to go and nominate me for a 2007 Black Weblog Award.

I just wanted to thank you for your overwhelming support you guys are great!

I have been nominated for two awards:

Best LGBT Blog
Best New Blog

Now all I need you to do is vote for me so I can win!!!

Voting is really easy it's only 3 easy steps and will only take another 45 seconds of your time.

This is what you do:

1) Go to this address: http://www.blackweblogawards.com/database/step1.php
and put in your name and email address and press "Proceed To Step 2"

2) Under each of the categories check off one of the three blogs listed.
There are also links to them so you could check them out if you want.

Be sure that for:
- Best LGBT Blog
- Best New Blog
pick my blog: Adam's Blog @ ABenjaminIrby.com

Remember: YOU MUST PICK A CHOICE FOR EACH OF THE CATEGORIES IN ORDER FOR THE BALLOT TO BE ACCEPTED.

3) Then click on "Submit Your Ballot"

That's It!

Thanks so much for the continued support of the blog,
- A. Benjamin Irby

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I had more second thoughts about publishing this blog post than any other one I have ever written. I was gonna go through a whole long thing explaining it and hoping that you didn't look at me differently after you read it. But you know what, it is what it is. This is a story I really wanted to share.
Enjoy.
P.S: This is one of my more explicit posts so if you are easily offended do not proceed.
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As much as we gays claim to be so evolved and that traditional masculine-feminine gender roles don't matter to us then why do some of us say the things we say? Some of us seem to have a clear vision of what a top and a bottom should act like. Do you? At the end of the day, how "evolved" are we?

There was this one time I met this guy on the internet. He fit all of my standards. He was like 5'8, 145 lbs, cute-ish face (according to his picture), and a total bottom. I was in love... potentially. He must have liked what he saw as well because he gave me his phone number after about two messages. Usually when someone is quick to give me their number I get a little suspicious and my 'ugly alert' light starts flashing.

I waited a day and then I called him. He answered the phone. I said "Whaddup Jeremy?" He asked me my name. I never got the chance to give it to him online. I told him that he didn't know my name and I gave him my screen name and the name of the website we met on. He was still trying to decipher exactly who I was. I guess he was checking his 'ugly alert' light as well. He wasn't at his computer at the moment and he was trying to mentally connect my picture to my screen name. He still hadn't done that successfully but he figured that if he gave me his number without even knowing my name I couldn't be so bad.

As we conversed he talked a mile a minute, jumping from subject to subject rather erratically. Until that day I had never met someone who talked more than I do. While we were on the phone he was pretty busy doing like 10 other things while he was trying to hold a conversation with me, this caused many interruptions and 'huh, what did u say's?' along the way. That is such a huge pet peeve of mine. He also sounded a little fem on the phone but I didn't really mind that. But the interruption thing was working my nerves. I'm a Leo and I command full attention, dammit! Along the way our conversation got disconnected. I didn't bother calling back because he was half listening to me anyway so I was kinda over it and him by then, it was whatever. A few seconds later he called me back and apologized for being so unconsumed with our prior conversation. He somehow had gotten to a computer by this time and asked me my screen name again. I told him and then his voice perked up:

"Oh yeah, I remember you. That's wsup, I'm glad you called."

I have to admit I was kinda horny so I was definitely feeling the eagerness. I really wasn't in the mood for the whole 'I don't do this, I don't do that on the first day thing', I wanted to fuck tonight. Then he told me that he's moving away the day after tomorrow... score! I know I'ma get me some now cuz this nigga probably wants some goodbye dick! We set up a time to meet later that evening and we hung up. I had about two hours to eat something, take a shower, get myself together and do my male peacock mating dance. I had my finest most colorful plumage all fanned out. I wanted to look good, but not go out good, I wanted to look chillin' in the crib, ready for bed good. I put on a wife beater and basketball shorts. I looked in the mirror, it was sexy. I was fucking tonight.

He arrived at my door and he definitely wasn't cute-ish, he was fine, dayum. Slim, nice body, fat ass, cute face and all, he was boyfriend material. But I couldn't let him know that, I thought he was sexy, he gave me what I needed but I'm far from a fiend. Because he was so dayum cute he didn't really give me the sex vibe I was lookin' for at least not right away, but then again he was leaving town, and he really did wanna meet me tonight. The really cute ones though sometimes play hard to get... sometimes.

Now the mating dance begins. So he sat up on the edge of my bed I laid in the center, cool, calm and collective. His ass was right about where my pelvis would be but like a foot or so to the left of me. He began to talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk some more about a whole bunch of shyt. I couldn't even tell you half of that shyt now. All I did was look at him and get lost in his sexy ass lips moving. In between paragraphs I caught on to the fact that he was really smart. That is such a turn on to me, I love a smart guy. I wanted to fuck him so bad. But I could tell by his body language that he was a little uncomfortable in this particular moment and even more uncomfortable with the idea of meeting guys off the internet. He even mentioned something about being quite sexually inexperienced especially in the area of intercourse and that he had never enjoyed sex before. Dayum, I figured I probably wouldn't get any ass but I resigned myself to at least getting some head out of the deal.

I reached out with my left arm and put it around his waist, pulling myself a little closer to him. I smoothly said:

"You about to fall off the edge of the bed sittin' like that. You can move in a little."

"Well, I wasn't sure how you felt about jeans on your bed. Because I don't let people have their jeans on my bed..."

Just like the bottoms, so meticulous, I love them. At that point I could care less about his jeans on my bed. If anything I wanted them on the floor, under the bed, swinging from my ceiling fan, anywhere but on. I asked him if he minded my arm around his waist he said "no" and I then took his hand and laid it on my stomach and told him that he didn't have to be afraid to touch me. Just then he jumped up because he wanted to compare his abs to mine so he got up and lifted his shirt. Things were starting to get physical, this was a good sign. I saw his chest, his nipples, his stomach I wanted to lick him all over. When it was my turn to show and prove I got up and lifted my wife beater and he noticed that my dick was standing at half mast through my basketball shorts. He looked at it and me mischievously, it was on and poppin'.

So we got back on the bed in our previous positions and decided to sit up next to him wrapping both my arms around him in a sort of half embrace. My face was then really close to his, my lips inches from his. Then he said, motioning toward the side of his neck:

"My, my spot is right there."

So I lightly kissed him there once, twice, three times until his breathing got a little heavier and he licked his lips. The I took lightly took him by the chin with my right hand and guided his face toward mine and kissed him and kissed him and kissed him and then we paused and kissed again. Then he said:

"This would be better if you laid on top of me."

'Oh word', I thought, this little nigga tryna run shyt. Aight, Ima just go with the flow. As I proceeded to lay on top of him he said:

"This would be better with my jeans off."

So I helped him out of his jeans and we had a hot ass foreplay session. I was doing everything first all the touching, kissing, licking anything to make him squirm, breathe hard and lick those sexy ass lips of his that I was dying to have wrapped around my already throbbing dick. This nigga was too sexy and I really like foreplay. I eventually got the underwear off. I laid on top of him between his legs that he slowly began to wrap around mine. My hard dick slid under his ass right in the crack to where it was rubbing his hole. I heard him moan lightly while I had my tongue in his ear. I had this nigga in the zone. I like where this was going. Then as he fought to regain composure, he hit me with the obligatory:

"You know we not gonna do that right?"

"Aight" I said.

Every bottom says that. Usually that's my cue to play dumb and be like 'not gonna do what?' But I wasn't gonna press the issue though. I wanted it but he already told me that he was inexperienced and I was way too horny to play teacher that night. I flipped him over for a little more bump and grind and some tongue action and all of that really got him going. By then you know I was super brick and waiting for the feature presentation. I had put in all that work and now I was ready for this nigga to gobble gobble my dick like it was Thanksgiving.

So I lifted myself off of him and laid on my back and as he straddled me he said:

"So you ready for me to start doing all the work?"

I smiled, agreeing with him.

"Well you know I'm kinda passive about these sorta things. I told you where my spot was. Where is your spot?"

I looked at him and motioned toward my hard, impatient dick. He got the hint. He started licking my nipples, something which most people love but does absolutely nothing for me. He went lower and lower and as he took my dick in his hand talking into the head nervously like it was a microphone at an amateur comedy night he said:

"You know, I really don't have much experience doing this."

If I had a dollar for every time I heard that one... but for some reason I believed him this time. I also believe that there's a first time for everything, gobble, gobble. So he sucked my dick, and that shyt was amazing. Despite his disclaimer I kinda knew it would be good. I could tell by the way he kissed, I can't quite explain it but I can always tell by the way a dude kisses how good his other oral skills will be. A part of me was hoping for the best though because since I wasn't gettin' any ass I really didn't need this nigga to be Edward Scissorteeth tonight, thankfully he wasn't. Not only is he sucking my dick but he's gobbling it whole and making it disappear and that's no easy feat.

After a few minutes of pure ecstasy, he got tired of giving me head and suggested that I beat. 'Oh, word? That's wsup!' I thought, getting excited at this new development. So he got into the the position, on his knees with that perfectly round ass tooted up in the air. The arch in his back was incredible, this was definitely the type of dude I could see myself with, smart, fine as hell, and he's letting me beat on the first date, who could ask for more? I kissed and licked his body again before making my first unsuccessful attempt to penetrate. He was definitely not experienced in this area. That coupled with the fact that I don't have a starter dick (a blessing and a curse) made for a string of unsuccessful attempts.

Finally, four condoms later I was able to get it in. I eased in slowly and let the head rest inside before I slid the rest in. I realize that it takes some getting used to so we passionately kissed while I let my whole dick throb inside of him. He seemed to be getting more an more used to it so I started to thrust lightly yet rhythmically. He was kinda into it but I felt that he wasn't enjoying things as much as other people would have in this situation. His breathing got a little heavier and he went to lick those sexy lips again but his body though was kinda limp. Since I'm not into necrophilia I was kinda getting over this, not him, he was cool, but the sex was wack. So I pulled out and I laid there next to him and looked at him. He said:

"I'm sorry."

"It's aight, you have nothing to be sorry for."

"I, I don't understand. I wanted you so bad. You're cute, and you're the right build and the right height. I love your swagger. You turn me on so much. But when we finally did it..."

"Yeah, but you said you never really enjoyed sex before. I'm sure its gonna take some effort and a few more tries to get it right."
The real question though was was I willing to be the person to put in that kind of effort?

"Yeah."

"Maybe you're a top..."
I said, thinking that may be the reason why he reacted to it the way he did. 'Cuz I know for myself, getting fucked is soooooooooooooooo not my cup of tea. And that's how I reacted when I used to try it back in the days when I was trying to 'find myself'.

"No, I'm not a top."

"But you don't like dick. You didn't even wanna suck my dick..."

"I'm not a top. Look at me. Tops don't look like me."
He was alluding to the fact that he wasn't the hardest rock in the quarry and he wasn't. He was a little fem but it worked for him. I really couldn't see him being any other way though, it was natural for him.

"Tops come in many different shapes and sizes. Have you ever topped anyone before?"

"No."

"So how can you say that you are a bottom? You clearly don't enjoy being penetrated."

"I really am a bottom I know I am."
He said with the conviction of a civil rights activist.

I busted out laughing. In all my life I have never been in a situation like this. How did a booty call turn into a therapy session? I wasn't gonna argue with him. But I personally think you should give both sides of something a try before so vehemently stick to one. And you shouldn't let the images that society, even our own gay society shoves down our throats dictate your sexual practices.

We tried again. This time in a different position (missionary, for all of you who wanted to know) and it yielded the same results, wack. In an effort to please me he offered to suck my dick again. I happily accepted. He sucked my dick until I came and it shot everywhere (I realize that little tidbit was totally irrelevant to the moral of the story but I decided to include it anyway).

He called me the next day and told me he wanted to come back over. He did and we had sex again. He actually enjoyed it that time. He's no pro but he's definitely a bottom, at least for right now. Hopefully that's something that he is truly happy with.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Valerie"
by Mark Ronson feat. Amy Winehouse
from the album "Version"
==========

Well, I told you guys (in this previous post) that I was going through a lot in the past few weeks and that things have been stressful and that "there has been more drama in my life than a Tyler Perry play". I also said that I wasn't really free to discuss it due to the fact that it was like "pending litigation". Well, all the verdicts have been handed down and don't expect any rioting in the streets. Here goes:

My boyfriend and I have broken up. I know, I know, I know, it's okay, don't make that face. It's 100% okay, we are just in different places right now. Everything is amicable and cool. Nobody hates anybody, it was all very drama free. We are still friends. The longest relationship I've ever been in has ended (6 months, that speaks volumes about me doesn't it?). And yes love is still real and out there for you so don't stop believing in it.

My best friend and I have started speaking again. After we talked via IM a few hours ago we realized that we were both mad over the same misunderstanding. Even though this situation I'm sure has changed us both. We still remain friends.

I'm sorry this all wasn't as dramatic, cataclysmic and life-altering as I thought it would all be, but really is anything? No matter what you're going through and who it's a result of, know that you are gonna be OK, 'cuz you really are.

Blog post adjourned ((gavel bangs)).

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Little Drummer Boy"
by Lil' Kim feat. Cee-Lo and Redman
from the album "Notorious KIM"
==========

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! I'm sorry for being so vulgar but, Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! On Sunday, December 31st, 2006 in the middle of the night coming from a club my friend and I in our other friend's car riding up the West Side Highway made our New Year's Resolution to be totally fierce in 2007, to just do us and pay it!. To just do whatever the hell we wanted to do for ourselves and not give a dayum what anyone thinks about it. To be strong and not let anything make us compromise ourselves and our happiness this year and to definitely not get caught up in relationship drama but to only allow good people and situations in our lives.

I was good for the first half of the year and things really started working out for me. One of my major goals for this year was starting my blog and I did it and it's doing great (thanks to you all of course). All 2007 I was really going hard in all aspects of my life. Lately though I've been getting soft. It just hit me and I'm fuckin' pissed! It's August 26th, I've been doing good so far and I'm not gonna let the resolution die. Whatever you promised yourself at the beginning of this year, be about doing it. If it's letting go of that bad relationship, or that weight loss, or getting into the gym, or studying harder, whatever it is. Even if you have slacked off, dust yourself off and move on. DON'T LET ANOTHER NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION DIE!

You owe it to yourself.

==========
Playing in The Background...
"Oh My God"
by Mark Ronson feat. Lily Allen
from the album "Version"
==========

I've slept with a good amount of my friends. But it's not what you're thinking... they didn't start as friends. For some reason the gays get together and when things don't work out between them they pretend as though each other never existed, how mature? That leads to awkward stare, look away, stare, look aways at common homosexual meeting places such as clubs, Greenwich Village, Chelsea, really anywhere in Manhattan below 23rd, Harlem, etc (read more about my awkward encounters with exes in this post). I've always tried to end things as amicably as possible with my exes and it usually works out with us becoming really good friends, not right away though, usually after at least a few weeks of not speaking. I guess you would consider that processing time. Sometimes the resulting friendship works out so well that we even wonder how we ever had sex. The other night was definitely a shining example of that.

I was walking to the bus stop from the gym and I got a phone call from who for our purposes here we'll call Friend #1:

"What you givin'?"

"What you takin'?"

"Bitch, where you at?"

"I'm on the corner of (my location) waiting for the bus. I just came from the gym. What's up? What you doin? Where you stayin' at again?"

"I'm at (his location)."

"Oh aight, that's four blocks away. You want me to come meet you?"

"Yeah."

So we met up and walked a few blocks and then we settled on stoop in front of a school. I hadn't seen him in almost a year as he had just moved back to New York from a stint elsewhere. We sat there and talked and then we went to Central Park and sat by Harlem Meer (thankfully there was only one small raccoon this time [click here to read about my run in with the Central Park raccoons]) and talked some more. As he talked and I looked at his eyes and his lips as they moved and I thought that while yes I still find him attractive he is really my good girlfriend now. All the sexual attraction to him just like all floated away somewhere. I had no nasty thoughts, my dick didn't move,  I didn't even flirt, I just listened to everything he said. It's weird, it's like I couldn't even imagine us in a sexual place again. He ended up walking me to my next friend's house. We'll call him Friend #2.

Now me and Friend #2 never had a quote-unquote "relationship". We met online about a year and a half, or two years ago, we lost and then got back in contact with eachother like six months later, from there we had a few intense online and phone conversations. We finally met up to hook up about a year ago. I remember taking that long ass train ride from East New York, Brooklyn to Harlem at two in the morning to meet him. Shiiiit, I never traveled that far for a piece of ass before... well there was the trip to Florida, and that time to Delaware (that is one ol' blog post right there) but who's counting, right? Anyway I got the ass, it was good and worth the trip and I ended up staying the night. This happened a few months before I made the move to live Harlem myself.

Unfortunately though I must have gotten the wrong impression from our phone and internet conversations because I put forth the effort to get to know Friend #2 better. My effort was met with unanswered phone calls and instant messages. The player got played, "Boomerang"-style. I was pissed, when I finally got to him online about a week or so later I told his ass off. The conversation online went something like this:

Friend #2: I'm sorry but, we could be friends.

Adam: Friends, this is how your treat your friends. I don't wanna be your friend!

Friend #2: We're gonna be neighbors soon.

System message: User Adam is no longer signed on.

Yeah, I went off like that... In retrospect I see that that was so NOT cool and not in accordance with the laid-back, aloof vibe I usually give. After going off on Friend #2 online we didn't talk for another seven or eight months.

One night last winter after I had been living up here in Harlem for about four months I get an IM. It was from Friend #2 asking me how was I, how I had been doing, etc., etc., etc. We ended up exchanging numbers and he told me why he ended things with me so abruptly. It was because he was talking to someone else at the time we hooked up and our meeting was basically the last fling before things got serious between them. I was like the stripper the bride sleeps with at the bachelorette party. Keep in mind though that at that present time they were still together. But what he didn't know was that I already knew who his boyfriend was. Friend #2's boyfriend tried to talk to me a few weeks prior and with the help of my friend we put the pieces together. Just to be clear I had NO interest in his boyfriend whatsoever, I'm not attracted to him at all, he was a fellow top (ewww, yuk!) and he was an asshole, well he was drunk that night but nevertheless an asshole. In an effort to not be messy didn't bother imparting that little tidbit.

After that conversation all was well between us and we became really good friends. We both worked in Midtown so every so often we would get together during our breaks and have "Sex And The City"-esque lunches, discussing our lives and current romantic situations. We'd actually grown fairly close on a platonic level but I still felt like I could hit it if I wanted to. The other night was our first chill session at his house and by this time him and his boyfriend had broken up. Now if I was gonna try something this was certainly the time. If I were evil enough just to fuck him for spite I had my golden opportunity, but fortunately for all the citizens of our planet, I'm not that evil.

We met up and all we did was talk. He told me about his current romantic situation, well really the lack thereof and how that came about. I regaled him with my current drama (ie the "pending litigation" I alluded to in this post) and it was nice to see that someone else agreed with me. Thank God for normal people. But anyway, throughout all our time together I realized that if I wanted to push the sexual envelope I could have. There was a room with a bed (like I really need a bed to have sex). But I really didn't want to. I realized the value of Friend #2's friendship and getting my nutt off wasn't that serious to me anymore. What the fuck? Did I just say that?

Am I actually growing up?

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Violet Stars Happy Hunting"
by Janelle Monae
from the album "Metropolis"
==========                                                                                                                                                                                 

==========
I just wanted to take this time to thank every one who posts comments to any of the posts here, or sends me email, or writes in the guest book, or corresponds with me in any way. It is sooooooo appreciated. I read and approve all of it and it's all duly noted.

Thank You.
==========

Someone came here yesterday and left a comment to one of the posts. I clicked on his name and discovered that he is a fellow blogger and I was redirected to his web log. I was amazed. The WanderingCaravan - Bronze Buckaroo blog is exquisite. It features historical images of figures relevant to black gay culture such as Langston Hughes who we all know (and if you don't know click here, and then here, and then here too, I won't hold it against you) and also some unexpected things such as stills from a circa 1959 black gay porn movie shot right here in Brooklyn! I didn't even know they made black gay porno that far back in the day but I guess grandpa had to get his nutt off too, right (but if he was gay I guess he probably wouldn't be anyone's grandpa)? I learned a lot from my short visit there and learning is such a turn on for me, that, a slim waist, cute face, and a fat booty, but I digress. There are much more educational things there than porn but you know what's gonna catch my eye first.

Learning that we as black gay men in America and across the world have an actual history gives us all a sense of validation. It makes us feel as though we're not alone in this world, which is very important especially for those who are first coming out and discovering themselves. Seeing images of our collective heritage gives me a sense of pride and a renewed appreciation to those who lived before me.

Check it out:
http://wanderingcaravan-bronzebuckaroo.blogspot.com/

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Whole 'Lotta History"
by Girls Aloud
from the album "Chemistry"
==========

In the past two weeks there has been more drama in my life than a Tyler Perry play. As much as I wanna blog about it because this is my therapy as I'd rather not waste money on a shrink, it's like I'm in the middle of a nasty divorce or a lawsuit. I'm not at liberty to discuss pending litigation. All the final decisions haven't been handed down yet and I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out. That's why I have given myself room to take forays down memory lane. Due to my past (or not so past) reputation as a rather "friendly" (some would even use the "w" word but that' so ugly) top, I've got more stories than a little bit. But trust, the tell all (or tell most) blog post is coming...

Lord knows my typing finger has been itching...

Stay tuned.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Money In The Bank"
by Swizz Beatz
from the album "One Man Band Man"
==========

==========
With this post I am inaugurating two new categories: "Sex" and "Memory Lane"
Posts in the "Sex" category will be obviously be more sexual in nature and may be rendered explicit or even obscene to some. Posts in the "Memory Lane" category are past experiences of mine that I decide to share.
Enjoy.
==========

As tops, in sexual situations we are expected to perform. If the sex is not good for some reason it's somehow blamed on us "he wasn't hard enough", "that nigga's dick wasn't big enough", "his stroke was wack!", "he nutted too quick", etc., etc., etc. For me I don't think of these situations as so much a lack of prowess but a bad case of nerves more than anything. There's a lot of pressure put on us especially when we really like the person and it's our first time being intimate.

I remember I had an ex who was really kewl and I really liked him. We enjoyed all the time we spent together and we'd had good sex in the past but when it came time to do it one night for some reason I just couldn't get it up. He would suck it, he would play with it, but still it would remain limp as a drag queen's wrist. He'd ask me was it him, did he do something wrong. I'd say no. Then he'd get visibly aggravated (that DOES NOT help, by the way). We broke up soon after that for unrelated reasons.

I didn't understand then why my dick went on sabbatical for a while there. Now that I think about it, maybe it was him. I think my problem may have started as a one time thing but the way he reacted to it put me in such an insecure place and then that made any subsequent sexual endeavors with him less about lovemaking and more about proving that I wasn't impotent at 21 years old! Good sex for me is all about being relaxed and enjoying the moment but I couldn't do that with him anymore.

That blow to my sexual self esteem prompted me to take some drastic measures. I went out and got me some Viagra. Most people think of Viagra as something for old men but I had heard of men of all ages taking it recreationally as a sex booster of sorts. Did I go to the doctor you ask, nope. I ordered it online right from the comfort of my own home. A real doctor probably would have laughed me out of his office. As unbelievable as it sounds you can get Viagra online without a prescription. I don't know how legal it is but it's possible. I found a website, ordered 4 Viagra pills and had it shipped overnight. That cost me a little over $100 (Viagra sho' ain't cheap!).

Once the pills came I was anxious to give them a try so I scheduled a "date" with this dude. I fucked, and fucked, and fucked, and fucked, and fucked, and fucked this dude for hours. What's so cool about Viagra is that it doesn't just make your dick hard as soon as you take it. It only works when you're stimulated. It's like magic! The only side effect I experienced was a really bad headache.

In retrospect I realize that I didn't need the Viagra. What I needed was the validation I got from fucking the other dude. Does Viagra work? Yes. Would I take it again? Unless it was prescribed by a doctor, no. I got from the internet what I thought was and what looked like Viagra. It didn't necessarily have to be. In retrospect I realize that I put myself in grave danger and that probably wasn't my smartest idea. The things we do to get our nutt off...

==========
Playing In The Background...
"You Are My Everything"
by Janelle Monae
from the album "Metropolis"
==========

PS: Me and that ex hooked up a year later and he sucked my dick. I didn't have the problem that night.

I just wanted to take the time to thank everybody for reading and supporting this blog.

It is very very very very very very very much appreciated!

I've taken a measure to make everyone's lives a bit easier.

I know when you tell people about the log it's hard to remember a long web address.

So I went out and got a shorter one.

So when you tell and/or email your friends about the blog tell them to go to:

www.AdamsWebLog.com

The old address still works though: http://blog.abenjaminirby.com

Thanks For Everything!

One of the coolest things about being gay is that you eventually get to tell people about it and laugh at the expressions on their faces and their awkward dead silences. That is, after you've cried and prayed and prayed and cried and contemplated suicide and have finally accepted it yourself. Anyway, as you have read my birthday party was a "coming out" party of sorts to a lot of my straight friends who have known me from back in the day. One of those people was Kelly Robinson (that ain't her real name) who I went to junior high and high school with. She's known me from when I was thirteen years old, the apex of my awkward youth up until I was eighteen, right when I started cultivating my sexy and becoming the love machine you see before you today.

Kelly was the love of my thirteen year old life. I had the biggest crush on her (and this other boy in my school) and I'm not really sure why. She was pretty, she was popular, but she wasn't really very nice to me now that I think about it. She wasn't malicious but she treated me the same way Laura Winslow treated Steve Urkel. She was cool with me and liked me as a person, but now that I think about it was probably was annoyed by my constant romantic overtures, which probably came off as a little mean at times. Like Laura and Steve we were friends, I guess, in a roundabout way but we were never close, close. I remember the guys she used to go out with, one of them was a real jerk (we'll call him Boy #2). I remember he used to pick on me at times back then (If I saw him today I would so kick his ass!). Not only did he pick on me but he didn't treat Kelly so well either. I would have been a much better boyfriend. Toward the end of the eighth grade I started getting over her and kinda thought she was a bitch (sorry Kelly you know I love you gurl). By the time I transferred into her high school when I was sixteen all my romantic feelings toward her had dissipated and it was all about the boys by then.

A few months back I found her via MySpace. I sent her a message basically saying "Hi, how are ya?" and giving her a very general update on my life. I didn't include the whole gay thing, this was her reply back:

"My my my how you have changed so much from the Adam in 218"

Our junior high school was IS 218, here in Brooklyn, NY. I guess me changing refers to me being all grown now and I'm sure all the shirtless pics on my MySpace didn't hurt. And I said:

"yeah, we've all gotta grow the hell up some time... lol"

I sounded so cool typing that, you gotta admit that shyt was cool. I typed that in my deep, Billy Dee Williams sexy voice, sexy, but still nonchalant. That lol, that was actually a light sexy chuckle. Then she said:

"It seems like a good grow up though"

Say what! Did I read that shyt right? Did Kelly Robinson just flirt with ME? Me, Adam Irby, the boy who loved her in junior high school, the boy she gave NO PLAY to back in the day. At that moment I was brought back to the eighth grade. I thought about how cool I woulda been if Kelly Robinson were my girlfriend back then. I wanted to flirt back just to see how far it would go but then I remembered, oh yeah, I'm gay, I almost forgot there for a second. And besides I had no sexual interest in Kelly anymore, she's a nice girl and everything but... nah. Maybe we go shopping one day or something.

Kelly and I kept in contact via MySpace and would exchange pleasantries here and there. She finally gave me her phone number. At the end of eighth grade she wrote her phone number in my yearbook... only six digits though. Gosh she was a total bitch!(Sorry Kelly you know I still love you gurl!) What did I see in her? Anyway, I called her and in that conversation I ended up inviting her to my birthday party and of course I told her that it was being held at my boyfriend's apartment. All she said was "okay", kinda the same way Brendan (my straight male friend) did. I have to admit that I was taken aback by the fact that she had nothing to say about my being gay. Had she sensed it all along?

Unfortunately, Kelly couldn't make it to the party. I sent her and anyone else who couldn't make it to the party a link to my blog post about it via MySpace. This was her reply back:

"...I remember when u told me on da phone dat ur boyfriend was planning ur party...n da first thing I said was since when is Adam gay...he had a crush on me. Sweetie...y didn't u jus tell me that u were gonna go da other way if I didn't date u...I wud've given u da chance u deserved lmao..."

Then she went on to say:

"...I had great taste back then didn't I. Boy #1 and Boy #2...I'm not sure who ws the bigger idiot lol. U kno Boy #2 was transfered 2 my H.S. and made my life a livin hell."

Then she went on to ask about my boyfriend:

"...what's he like? How did u meet? how long have u been gay? how long have u been together? and any other mushy stuff u wanna throw in there lol."

Wow, she said she would have given me the chance I deserved. There you have it, total and complete vindication. And she admitted Boy #2 was an asshole, because he so was! I never replied to her MySpace message. I've just  super busy since then. We talked before about meeting up one day and catching up. but you know it's one of those things you say you're gonna do but you never really intend to actually do it. I'm sure it's that way on both of our parts. If we never see or hear from or speak to each other again I have everything I need right here. Thanks Kelly.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Mr. Radio"
by Chrisette Michele
from the album "I Am"
==========

Most of my friends are Facebook heads and have been trying to get me to get a page on there for a while now. After checking the site statistics today and seeing that people have been putting links to the blog on their Facebook pages I finally decided to take the plunge and join.

Check out my Facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=616131378

Feel free to add me as a friend.

And please, pretty please feel free to put a link to the blog on your page:

http://blog.abenjaminirby.com

I called my mother today. We had our usual "Hi. How ya doin'?" small talk, being careful not to say too much as not to delve into all the whole gay thing I'm doing now. My mother still thinks that "I'm just a freak who likes sex" and that it's "just a phase" (she's right about the first part though). Unlike almost all of our previous conversations she hasn't asked me when I'm making my way to Virginia Beach to see everyone, a trip I have been subconsciously putting off all summer. See I have a love/hate relationship with Virginia Beach and anywhere else in this country besides New York. I love Wal Mart, I hate everything else. Toward the end of our oft interrupted conversation (I was at work) she dropped the bomb on me. She is coming to New York Labor Day weekend along with my father and my sisters and they are staying at my small ass apartment.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family and now that it's had about two hours to sink in I'm actually excited to have them come up. As I typed that sentence my mind immediately flashed to the Tiger Tyson DVD on my nightstand, you know the one where he's smiling and the young blatino boy (not like boy, boy, but like over 18 man-boy) is sucking his dick, ooh, well that's like all of them, but you get my point, and all the small purple and clear bottles of Astroglide in my drawer, and all the NYC Condoms I've got laying around everywhere, and all the party fliers with the naked boys (man-boys) on them, ooh and let's not forget all the porn on my computers, and those naked pictures of me on my iPhoto, and the ones where I'm kissing my boyfriend (who she's never met but i'm sure she's heard about through one of my sisters), yikes! I'm so fuckin' gay. I've really gotta give my place the parental clean up before they get up here. As much as I want my parents to respect the fact that I'm gay they are getting up in age and I don't wanna give them heart attacks. I'm not ashamed of my gayness but I don't want my parents to know the kinda freak I really am. And I would want them to see that gay life is more than just sex... it is, really, right?

I actually miss them a lot. Even though I'm gay and they're straight, I think they're judgmental and they think I'm gonna burn in hell, they're still my parents and at the end of the day I'm still they're baby. I have a confession to make, don't laugh but I still call my parents "Mommy" and "Daddy", I'm so ashamed.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Wake Up Call"
by Maroon 5
from the album "It Won't Be Soon Before Long"
==========

==========
Two lions doing what we do best!
==========

"Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall."
Proverbs 16:18 (KJV)

I am an extremely proud person and I'm actually proud to say that. I hate depending on anyone for anything and I'll go without before I have to actually ask for something. I don't like to take things from people because deep in my psyche I feel as though to accept something that you need from someone or to show someone that you are lacking and letting them fulfill a need for you gives them a sense of control over you. The control, whether exerted or not is still a factor in my mind. Even if someone wants to help me out of the goodness of their heart I still feel like that control factor is laying dormant to be thrown back in my face when I least expect it. That is the worst nightmare of a proud Leo like me.

Pride cometh before the fall. Leo (July 23 - August 22) is the last full astrological sign to come before autumn, i.e. the fall. And for the most part we are a proud bunch. It's even proven in the lives of famous Leo's such as Former President Bill Clinton (August 19th), Former First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (July 28th, we have the same birthday! Click here to read about what happened on my birthday.), Fidel Castro (August 13th), Jennifer Lopez (July 24th), Whitney Houston (August 9th), Andy Warhol (August 5th), and Madonna (August 16th). We are leaders (king/queen of the jungle), we make our own rules and are hard headed and stubborn. Our symbol of course is the lion and a group of lions is called a pride, interesting.

Pride cometh before a fall. The last few months have been some the most humbling I've ever experienced. And that is because I'm in a relationship and have fallen in love. Now that I'm in a relationship it's not just about me anymore I have two people to think about now and situations have come along where I've had to depend on him for support. That is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It's not easy but I'm learning to lay my pride aside. He's a Leo too so at least I'm not in the struggle alone.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FELLOW LEOS!

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Playing In The Background...
"Human Nature"
by Madonna
from the album "Bedtime Stories"
and
"I'm Gonna Be Alright"
by Jennifer Lopez
from the album "j.Lo"
and
"It's Not Right, But It's Okay"
by Whitney Houston
from the album "My Love Is Your Love"
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