Last night Mr. Man (my ex boyfriend who I'm all amicable with now) and I finally went to go see The Color Purple on Broadway. I know we're like the last two black people in the New York Metropolitan Area who haven't seen the show. We get there, we line up, we're going in, everything is fine until we're about 20 feet from the doors and they announce that Fantasia was not going to be in the show and that an understudy would be playing her role. A representative for the theatre said that she was in full hair and makeup and became ill about 10 minutes before show time. The admission line turned into the refund line because just about all of the 2,600 theatre goers that night wanted their money back! Some opted to reschedule for a later show but we decided to take the refund.

I figured rescheduling wasn't the best idea because this isn't the first time Fantasia hasn't shown up for a show. I had some guests at the hotel I work at tell me that Fantasia didn't perform at their show a few weeks ago and there were even people on the refund line last night who said that this was not the first time that they had rescheduled a show due to her not showing up. I'm not one to gossip but the rumor floating around the theatre is that she's pregnant and that that may be the reason for her recent sicknesses. I don't know how true that is but it was floating around last night.

I really do wish that 'Tasia would have done the show last night as I had my hopes all up and really was expecting to see her. When her run in the show is over January 6th, 2008. Chaka Khan, BeBe Winans, and another American Idol cast member LaKisha Jones will star in the show. I may try to get tickets to the show again during 'Tasia's run, but it's a crap shoot, we'll see. If not I'll just wait until next year and see Chaka and BeBe.

In an effort to salvage what was left of the evening after standing in that line for a little over an hour we walked down 7th Avenue about two miles (it never seems that long in Manhattan) down into Chelsea to Cafeteria. Cafeteria is an uber-trendy diner (for lack of a better word) that serves comfort food and traditional favorites in an ultra chic setting. They are known for their meatloaf and macaroni and cheese and have been featured on an episode of "Sex And The City". I'm the only homo in the city who hadn't been there yet. The food was great. I had the crab cake burger with avocado, tomato, and onion slices and the macaroni & cheese (it was good, not as good as mine though) and Mr. Man had the Salmon. We parted ways and I got home a little after midnight. Last night didn't turn not how I thought it would have but it was a decent evening nevertheless.

LINKS:
- The Color Purple Official Website
- A Broadway.com article on Chaka Khan, BeBe Winans, and LaKisha Jones roles in The Color Purple
- A New York Magazine article on Cafeteria

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Playing In The Background...
"Two Week Notice"
by Fantasia
from the album "Fantasia"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

I'm the first person to say that I'm no relationship expert, most things I have learned about life and relationships I've learned through trial and error. I'm nobody's psychologist and I hardly ever give anybody advice. But there is one thing I can advise on as it has been proven time and time again in my life, so much so that I have made adopted it as my overall relationship theory.

Adam's Theory:
"If a man really wants to do something he will do it. Period."

Sounds simple doesn't it? So then why the hell don't we ever remember it when we're involved with someone? Let's take our friend CancelCancel. As you have read (and if you haven't read, read it here) he canceled twice on me before our first date. We eventually went out we had a good time and then we went out again (read about that here). But all during the time we were dating I felt like I wanted it more than he did. I was always the one doing most of the calling and I was always initiating our dates and meetings while he remained somewhat indifferent about the whole thing, canceling, postponing, changing dates and "we'll see-ing" and "iono-ing" me to death. I told him how I felt, yet no changes. So in an effort not to jump to any conclusions regarding his feelings or lack thereof I decided to test things out. I stepped back, I stopped calling and I texted him my availability leaving it up to him to make the next date. I got one call and during that call I didn't even mention that the day had past that I was available for the date. I left it all up to him. If he wanted to see me he was gonna have to put forth some kind of effort, just as I did. After all I've been through I refuse to run after another man.

On Thursday I got this text message from him:

CancelCancel: "Have I done something wrong? If I have then let me know. You haven't been talking to me lately sooo I just wanna know what's happening between us so that way we can avoid a serious let down."

Dude you've gotta be kidding me. "I haven't been talking to you..." You mean I stopped running after yo' ass. Dudes act like they don't know to pick up a dayum phone. I told him before that I felt that things were uneven and that I was not gonna run after him. I was tryna be nice but I guess he didn't believe me. By this time I was over it. Where the hell have you been all week? Now you want to show some concern. Whatever. I texted him back on Saturday, two days later:

Me: "As far as your text message: CancelCancel, I'm surprised that you even care as far as I'm concerned. I have nothing against you but I've just grown tired of running after u. I'm always the one trying to see u and meet up with u. What happened to last Sunday? U were supposed to get back to me and u never did... I don't feel as though you want this as much as I did and as a result I have become disinterested in pursuing things further with u romantically. I like you as a person, ur kewl but I'm obviously not a priority... and that's kewl... We're just not at the same place right now and I'm not tryna get myself hurt pushing you into something that you obviously don't want. Because if you wanted it you would have taken the initiative. Period. At this point there is no future for us. Period. So why waste each other's time? I wish you the best in all your endeavors."

He text me back two hours and one minute later:

CancelCancel: "I understand where ur coming from. We're not meant for each other. I don't regret any of the time spent with u. I wish u all the best in life Adam. Nice knowing u.
-CancelCancel"

Now ain't that some shyt? Ya see why I don't get caught up so easily anymore. Was I not absolutely right? That was very 'easy come, easy go' as far as I was concerned. I'm so thankful for situations like this because it shows me how much I've grown. Now if this were two years ago I would have never even sent that first message. I would have suffered silently and tried my hardest to push him deeper into a one-sided, uneven, hurtful mess of a relationship. And if it were a year ago I would have called him, cussed his ass out, and hung up the phone on him. But I've grown. My best friend told me in the beginning after I told him that he canceled those first two dates that I was, and I quote "a stupid bitch" and to leave his ass alone but I was really sexually attracted to him and figured that more than likely we wouldn't go anywhere serious but I may get a few hot sessions out of the deal. Dating is supposed to be fun right? That's why I never put too much on it in the first place. I liked him but I've dated guys like him many times before and I knew what I was getting into. He's not a bad person, he's cool, there's no hard feelings. What he did wasn't necessarily wrong, it was wrong for me. But I've learned after seeing actions like his though not to expect much.

The moral of this story is: DON'T EVER RUN AFTER A MAN! EVER! Lemme repeat that for the people just skimming this post: DON'T EVER RUN AFTER A MAN! EVER! If he wants you, he will show you. He will make an effort toward getting to know you. The effort between you should be shared and equal. Your actions cannot make anyone love you, or like you, or appreciate you more. It's either there or it isn't. He wants you or he don't. And your heart will tell you you're doing too much. Listen to it, don't ignore it. Unlike most things in life this is black or white, very simple, either one or the other. You should not always be calling, you should not always be planning. Even if he gives you a million excuses, be understanding but realize that something still has to give sometime. If a man really wants something he will do whatever he has to do to get it. Period. Simple as that. If you can sacrifice sometimes for him, why can't he for you? Anything worth having is worth working and sacrificing for and if homeboy doesn't ever do it for you then that should tell you that you aren't worth having, to him, that is. Drop him.

This was a mild situation. 'Cuz back in the day situations like this would have me going through it. Since this is one of the only things I can say I know and can teach with complete certainty please take my advice. If you ever feel like your efforts in a friendship or a relationship aren't being reciprocated, stop. Talk to that person and tell them how you feel. Their reaction to your feelings will let you know whether they're worth having around.

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Playing In The Background...
"Doing Too Much"
by Paula DeAnda
from the album "Paula DeAnda"
and
"No Fool, No More"
by En Vogue
from the album "The Best Of En Vogue"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

It's Saturday morning. I just woke up to face this another beautiful day God has given me, alone. I didn't go out last night. I didn't invite anybody over. It was just me, my cat, Keisha (yes, that's her name) a Banquet (microwaveable TV) dinner and Queen Latifah's and J.Lo's new albums (which are both amazing by the way) playing in the background. Sounds pitiful doesn't it? Then why the hell am I so happy? Because somewhere between 11 and 12 I realized that I'm enough.

If this were a few weeks ago I would have been online half the night looking for someone to come over. Remember last week, I deleted all of my internet dating/sex site accounts (read about that in this post) so that's not even a possibility tonight as this is my first Friday night home alone without them and I'm actually really glad about that. Why can't I spend a Friday night alone in my apartment, just me and my cat? Why do I have to feel less than? Why do I need someone to come over and lay next to me, to have sex with me, to make me feel validated?

It's not as though I'm not dating or anything, I've seen Pubby this week, we went out. I cooked him dinner the other night, we had fun. Why wouldn't that have been enough for me? Why do I need to have someone with me 24/7 to make me feel like I'm important? I used to plan my life out making sure to not have a night alone, especially if I was off work. I realize that the only reason why I did that is because I was trying to distract myself from, well, me. It's those times when we're alone that we come face to face with who we really are and I didn't like who I was or rather what I'd become and therefore I avoided being alone with me at all costs.

I remember nights alone in my apartment online logged into three dating sites at once, jumping at my computer at the mere sight of someone sending me a message. Could he be the one? Could he be the one to come over here and make me feel better about myself? Could he be the one who I make scream my name tonight so I could feel like a big strong virile man instead of the weak little faggot they said I was back when I was in school? Could he be the one to tell me I look good instead of smiling in my face and laughing about my bad acne behind my back like people used to do? It's when you're alone that all the issues you've swept under the rug start creeping out. But like the monsters under my bed and in my closet that scared me as a child these issues are mostly mental and won't go away unless confronted. The longer we allow ourselves to be scared to face the past, the larger and scarier we let it become until it takes totally over our lives. From there it can even manifest itself into a substance abuse problem or even clinical insanity.

And God forbid if for whatever reason I didn't get any messages online. I used to try my hardest to tear myself away from my computer. I would have a million things I have to do but somehow I'd find myself back by my computer, checking that number in the top left hand corner every few minutes. Logging out and logging back in so I could get myself back to the top of that "online now" list. Maybe there's someone who hasn't seen me? Maybe he's the one? Every time I would see that number, "0" messages, that's exactly how I would feel, like zero, worthless. I equated my worth with how much attention I would get from  people online and off. No attention, no compliments, no worth. There were quite a few times when somebody would hit me up and even though they were someone I would never be seen with in the light of day I let them come over and fucked them in the dark of night. I just needed someone, anyone even if it weren't real. So many times in the middle of sex I'd be wondering why the fuck I'm even doing this shit. Why was I not asleep, knowing I had to wake up for work in a few short hours? But I was in it now, literally. I'm a top, I have to perform. That's what they came for. I'd close my eyes and imagine it were someone else. They'd cum, sometimes even I would cum. And then they were gone. There were many nights that I got little, sometimes even no sleep before work because I was online all night looking for validation.

Oh, and if someone I sent a message to didn't send one right back. Then the foundation on which I built my whole pseudo-self confidence was shaken. Why didn't he hit me back? Did he get the message? Maybe he didn't? Lemme check, it was sent, he didn't reply. Why? At that moment all of my flaws, real and imaginary, became magnified and depression set in. What's wrong with me? Am I ugly? What was wrong with me was nothing anyone on the other side of a computer could see. I failed to realize that maybe that person may have not been ready to answer my message yet, or maybe they were still checking my page out, or maybe they were logged off and the server was still showing that they were online, or maybe they were away from their computer but my ego was already too bruised to consider such logic. And even if they weren't interested in me, so what? People have the right to like who they like, you'd think I'd understand that as many people as I have rejected online and off. But as usual, in true human form we can dish it out but we can't take it. On a side note, even in rejection, be nice because what goes around comes around.

So I spent last night alone, in my house enjoying the sight of all the things I've worked so hard for, rejoicing in the fact that I really am okay and good-looking too and that I don't need to have someone else here to tell me that. Being by myself on a Friday night was so much easier than I thought. There was literally nothing to it but to do it. Having someone around is good but if not, I'm enough.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Georgia Rose"
by Queen Latifah feat. Stevie Wonder
from the album "Trav'lin' Light"
and
"Brave"
by Jennifer Lopez
from the album "Brave"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 10:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

Hey Everybody,

I just wanted to thank everybody for their support of my last blog post "THE SUM OF ALL GAY MEN'S FEARS..." The response has been overwhelming and totally, totally unexpected. Along with the comments here I've gotten many emails and correspondences from people telling them how much the post affected them, some even moved to tears. I'm really happy that the bearing of my soul could help others. What's crazy is that I almost didn't even put that post online.

Along with the comments and emails from you all, other bloggers have reached out to me to have permission to repost the post on their blogs. If anyone would like to repost that post or any other post from here it's fine as long as you link back to the blog (http://www.adamsweblog.com). And be sure to let me know so we can exchange links.

I've also been approached by Da Doo-Dirty Show, a popular LGBT-friendly Podcast Radio show to do an interview as a result of the blog post. I'll give you more info on that as that develops.

The "THE SUM OF ALL GAY MEN'S FEARS..." post will not be on top of the blog anymore as I'm going to continue writing other things but if you ever want to revisit it or email it to friends you can click on this link: http://abenjaminirby.typepad.com/adams_blog_abenjaminirbyc/2007/09/the-sum-of-ever.html. I also have added a permanent link to it on the left column of the blog under "Adam's Favorite Posts".

Once again thank you all for all of your support.

"If a blog is written on the internet and no one is there to read it, it doesn't make a sound. A blog is nothing without it's readers therefore this blog is nothing without you."
-A. Benjamin Irby

==========
Playing In The Background...
"I Know Where I've Been"
by Queen Latifah
from the album "Trav'lin' Light"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
This is another one of those hard to write posts where I reveal stuff about me that I don't even like to think about.
Enjoy.
=========

What's the one thing every gay man is most afraid of?

Is it getting fat? Nope. But it's a good guess. Is it dying and going to hell? Nope. Well, I guess, for the church queens, but as a whole, no. Is it "the big disease with a little name"? Nope. Yes I said "nope," you heard me. Considering the statistics and our actions as a whole, as a community we obviously aren't all that afraid of it. Not to discount it at all but our collective actions toward it do not illustrate that we are all that fearful. So what is it you ask, what strikes fear in the hearts of all gay men? Growing old and alone.

A gay man once told me that the gay life is a lonely life. So many of us in this world, gay without our permission, born into this world, feeling flawed, look at straight people and all the opportunities they have to come together and start a family and at all the encouragement society as a whole gives them as opposed to all the discouragement and abuse society gives us.

Not to mention the way we fuck each other over. He fucked you over so you fuck over the next one and that next one fucks somebody over who you end up meeting at a club and ends up fucking you over and at the end of he day it's like what the fuck? When does it all fucking end? Can two man ever just fucking be together and be happy without all the fucking bullshit?

This is the thing, we're all wounded, wounded and scared. It's hard growing up gay in this world. More than likely our parents and other relatives don't understand us or were abusive to us. We were made fun of in school, we lived double lives, etc., etc. We all have our own emotional baggage to deal with. We put up defenses and walls to shield our all too oft broken hearts from more pain. We do it to protect ourselves but in the process we push anyone else away. As a result we're snappy, we're rude, we're fierce, we're cynical, we're jaded, 'we've created a fuck or be fucked, fuck that 'cuz I'ma get mine' world for ourselves and yet the better part of us still expects to be happy. Even if someone means us well we don't believe it because we're simply not used to it.

So what are we gonna do about it? Actually, I can't tell you what to do. As I haven't done it myself yet. The question is what am I gonna do about it? The last few weeks have been really introspective for me. I've been looking inside, seeing what makes me tick, seeing why my relationships don't work. Let's have a look at my patterns:

ADAM'S RELATIONSHIP PATTERN:
This is so fucking embarrassing by the way, but I think this is a good exercise you should do for yourself in the privacy of your own home and not necessarily for the whole world to see like I have here. Remember, we can rationalize our way out of thinking that we have a problem as long as we only let it live in our heads. But once we put it on paper it's not as easy to deny. Here we go:

- Adam meets a guy.
- Adam is attracted to the guy.
- Adam does whatever he can to sleep with the guy.
- Adam sleeps with the guy and if he doesn't get to sleep with the guy he usually becomes disinterested in the guy altogether.
- Now Adam has feelings for the guy.
- Adam as usual feels a little more for the guy than the guy feels for him.
- Adam is now scared. These are the things Adam is scared of:

- Adam is scared to show too much emotion to the guy because he's afraid that he won't get it back and that will make him feel invalidated.
- Adam is scared whenever he calls or texts and does not receive a call or text back within the hour that maybe he's doing too much and the guy is over him.
- Adam has a perpetual underlying fear that the guy will just stop calling or corresponding altogether out of the blue because it's happened to him a few times in the past and it hurt... A LOT!
- Adam knows that he has done some triflin' ass shyt in the past and is always waiting for the proverbial ax to fall.

- Adam as a result of Adam's fear of being abandoned again is torn between wanting to outpour the feelings he's feeling to the guy or to be guarded and aloof (which he's really not but only is now as a result of being hurt so many times before) in an attempt to ready himself just in case this guy abandons him.
- Adam wonders why can't he ever find a guy who likes him as equally as he likes the guy.
- Adam has actually found people like that in the past but somehow to him it just doesn't seem real so he doesn't trust it or it may actually be real but if Adam is not physically and sexually attracted to the guy then it doesn't matter to him anyway.
- Adam does more and more to get the guy to like him and validate him but the guy never really gives Adam the pat on the back that he craves.
- Adam starts to get annoyed at the fact the that he goes all out of the way for the guy and he's still not getting the validation he wants. Mind you the guy never asked for all of this sacrifice from Adam.
- Adam is frustrated, at the end of his rope and ready to break things off but he doesn't want to be alone.
- Adam passively seeks out someone else to get with as insurance as he feels that him and this guy are about to be over.
- Adam snaps and breaks things off because the guy committed a minor offense against him that most people probably would have just dealt with or ignored but not Adam, he's way too hypersensitive to invalidation and is hurt by even the smallest, most insignificant slight at this point.
- Adam is alone again and moves in closer on the new guy.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat. This is my relationship cycle in black and white. Dayum I sound crazy as hell. I don't feel too bad though cuz most of y'all bitches is crazy too. I've dated some of you. Like I said I don't have an answer yet. I know that it's definitely me who needs work but then again with all my emotional baggage flung across my shoulder I could be attracting the wrong type of men as well. I will look at this and look at my current dating situation and figure out exactly where I am on the cycle and figure out the best way to break the chain because I'm so tired of going through the same shyt over and over again. And I sure as hell do not wanna end up old and alone.

Like I always say "knowing is half the battle." Now that I have admitted publicly that I don't have it all together I can take steps toward trying to put me together. Like I said before I'm wounded, so before I can be a part of a successful relationship I have to love myself enough to heal me first so I can have something to give to someone else. So cliche, but nevertheless so true.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"What Is Love" (My Motha Effin Goin' Through It In A Relationship Theme Song)
by Vivian Green
from the album "A Love Story"
Check out my blog post on the Vivian Green concert I went to back in April. It has video and everything.
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 07:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (15) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
Top: A map of Christopher Street in the West Village, NYC
Left: A street sign indicating the corner of Christopher & Gay Streets. Believe it or not the placement of these streets was a total coincidence.
==========

I know it doesn't look like much, stretching about ten blocks in New York's West (Greenwich) Village but Christopher Street is arguably the most important place in gay culture and the birthplace of the Gay Rights Movement in the United States. Even today it is the home of the Heritage Of Pride parade and festival held annually on the fourth Sunday in June. Attended by one million revelers, this is one of the largest, if not the largest gay pride gathering in the United States. Cities all around the world have Christopher Street Day or CSD gay pride festivals and parades to commemorate the movement that started on this small New York street.

Just about every gay person here in New York has a thought, memory, opinion, or a story involving Christopher Street. For many of us back in our younger days it was the first place where we could feel free to publicly display affection for our same sex lovers. Even today it still continues to attract many newly out and questioning youth.

As a closeted homosexual questioning teen I had no idea that a place such as Christopher Street existed. The first time I heard about it was at church, quite ironically. I remember one Sunday night as the evening service was closing the pastor of the church (who ironically, or not so ironically had gay rumors swirling around him like a tornado at the time, shyt, all the time) I was at was doing the benediction prayer and he said something like this:

"...and Lord, we bind up that Christopher Street spirit right now!"

I remember thinking 'Where in the heck is Christopher Street?' and exactly 'What spirit was he referring to?' I asked one of my older friends, let's call her Teresa, what he meant. She told me that Christopher Street is a hangout for gay people, and a lot of the undercover (or not so undercover) ones in church hang out there on Sunday nights after service. Obviously as a closeted homosexual questioning teen my curiosity was piqued. I remember going home that night and finding this "Christopher Street" on a map. I wanted to go there but due to everything I was taught in church I was deathly afraid and Lord knows I didn't anybody to tell my mama they saw me there.

My first time going to Christopher was a drive by. I remember one night out with my older sister we were driving down 7th Avenue South when out of the corner of my right eye I saw a brown street sign that said "Christopher Street." I was excited! I asked her to turn around so we could drive down Christopher Street and see if we recognized anyone from church. I figured in the safety of the car I was okay. I ducked down really low in the back seat on the right side of her car as we made that right turn onto Christopher Street (to this day I always walk down Christopher on the right side). I spied through the crack of her tinted windows at this forbidden yet wonderful place. Men were holding hands with other men, women with women, talking and carrying on as normal as if what they were doing wasn't going to make them roast in a burning hell when Jesus comes back. I even recognized one guy from church, I didn't really know him though so that was no fun. I wasn't as impressed as I thought I'd be after having my glimpse at Sodom but I was still curious. I was definitely going back and the next time I was gonna be walking.

My next visit to Christopher Street was indeed on foot. One Friday night after dinner at Uno's on 6th Avenue & Waverly Place me, my younger sister and two friends of ours from church, one of them being Teresa, ventured back down Christopher Street. Her and the other older friend of ours, we'll call him Lester, who was obviously gay (but we just didn't talk about things like that in church, at least not to the person's face anyway) had been to Christopher many times before and were shocked at our inexperience with the area. I was already scared to be there and their stories of men randomly touching your butt as you walked down the street didn't help. Of course now I realize that they were just trying to scare me.

As we crossed 7th Avenue South I remember holding on tightly to Teresa's hand. I was nervous. I didn't want them to think I was gay and touch my butt. I figured that if I held Teresa's hand people would think that she was my girlfriend even though Teresa and I looked terribly mismatched as she was twice my size. As I walked down the street hand in hand with Teresa, my sister with Lester, they seemed to know people on every corner, stopping an starting up conversation after conversation. That night I saw a lot of guys from church and it was no big deal. They saw me and no one was shocked, they looked as almost to say 'Oh, you finally made it up here, girl, we always knew anyway.' The most shocking moment was when we saw an older elder who we had just seen in church the other day, he had to be around 60-65, walking hand in hand with a lover half his age. I'll never forget that experience:

Me: "Oh dip! There goes Elder So-And-So with that young guy."

Lester: "Teresa, I dare you to say 'Praise The Lord'..."

Teresa: "Alright."

** Elder So-And-So and his lover get closer to us **

Teresa:  "PRAISE THE LORD ELDER SOANDSO!"
She yells loud enough to raise the dead.

Elder So-And-So: "Praise Him Chile..."
He replies, recognizing Teresa.

Teresa: "ALLLLRIGHT ELDER! See you in church on Sunday."

Elder So-And-So: "Yes chile."

I could not believe what I just saw. This elder from church was on Christopher and really didn't care who saw him. This was so crazy, how can you say one thing in church and live another with no shame or nothin'? You see why I don't mess with church boys (read that post here). Needless to say, Elder So-And-So certainly wasn't the last clergyman I spotted on Christopher.

My most fond memory of Christopher Street was the night I met RuPaul. I didn't just meet RuPaul I had a three hour conversation with the man on a stoop at the corner of Bedford and Christopher right across from the Lucille Lortel Theatre. I remember walking down the street with an ex of mine, we'll call him Michael, my ex best friend, we'll call him Chuck, and his then boyfriend who is one of my best friends now, we'll call him Russell. Michael tapped me and said that the tall bald headed guy walking toward us was RuPaul (of course he was out of drag). I told him that it wasn't, but Michael asked and indeed it was RuPaul. He had his iPod with him and I had mine. We struck up a conversation about our iPods and music in general right under the marquee of the theatre. All five of us ended up sitting on a stoop across the street.

A conversation that should have lasted a few minutes turned into about three hours. We spoke about RuPaul's life, his career, celebrities he's worked with, how he keeps those wigs on his bald head, makeup, what kinds of guys he likes, everything you could possible think of. As much as I write here you can only imagine how many questions I asked. The part of that conversation I cherished most was when he told us the story of the significance of Christopher Street to gay culture and how it was the launching point for the Gay Rights Movement. He felt as though it was his responsibility as an older gay man to pass his knowledge down to younger generations.

Before that day I didn't like drag queens. I thought that they were so "extra" and that they brought shame to "regular" more masculine gay males like me. After that night talking to RuPaul I gained a new sense of respect for who they are and what they do, especially regarding the Gay Rights Movement and the events that happened on Christopher Street. It's the drags who fight for us all. Next time you see a drag queen, give her a hug.

At that time I already knew the story of Christopher Street and the Stonewall Inn Rebellion but it was a joy to hear him retell it. I'll give you the short version:

Back in the '50 and '60's it was illegal to be gay. Even today there are some unenforced sodomy laws still on the books in many states. Police would raid bars where gays would frequent and often have the names and unlawful activities (not sex but things we consider nothing like kissing, holding hands, cross dressing, etc.) of the men in these bars printed in the newspaper. At about 1am Friday night, June 27th or Saturday morning, June 28th, 1969 (accounts differ between the dates) the police raided the Stonewall Inn, a gay bar on 53 Christopher Street near 7th Avenue South (which still stands today) which was known to not only have gay patrons but many gay patrons of African American and Hispanic descent. Raids were quite frequent and commonplace at this time but this night the gay, lesbian, and transgendered patrons who were there this particular night fought back, causing a riot which was the catalyst for the Gay Rights Movement. Some people associate the death of gay icon Judy Garland a few days before ("Dorothy" from the original "The Wizard Of Oz" and mother of gay icon Liza Minelli) with the event, but most dismiss that as urban legend.

Click here to get more information on this event along with actual newspaper clippings from that day, courtesy of Columbia University.

I met up with my friends on Christopher last Saturday night. I don't get down there much anymore. I actually haven't been down there since pride, back in June and even then I didn't stay too long. Christopher is definitely not the wonderland that it used to be when I first came out. I remember the few times I ever did get to walk up and down the strip and hang out on the pier everyone used to look so good and we used to all have so much fun. We would eat pizza at that pizza shop that nobody knows the name of on the corner of Christopher & Hudson, or the other one on Christopher & 7th next to the cigar shop or have (mostly) bad food but good service at Manatus and desert at the Bread Factory Cafe on Bleecker & Christopher where we could watch people walk by and crack jokes on them, so many memories.

Many of my friends don't hang out there anymore as we're all older now and largely look at Christopher as a place where all the teen queens or queenagers (as Mr. Man would call them), ugly drags, and old washed up queens hang out (mainly at the Hangar & ChiChi's). The cooler, more fashionable people hang out, club and bar hop further north in Chelsea or further south in TriBeCa or have blended so well into straight society that they don't even hang out at quote-unquote 'gay' places anymore. Being back there myself on Saturday I see why they say these things and unfortunately I have to agree.

There are a few new shops and a lot of new faces on Christopher but the magic there is long gone. Christopher Street has become for lack of a better term, the gay ghetto. It's so run down, it's dirty, it's ravaged. It seems to have turned in on itself like the pulling off of an ejaculation filled condom that is tossed into a toilet bowl. Or maybe it was that way all along and it is us who have changed. Either way, love it or hate it Christopher Street is still a part of all of us and it's significance to our culture can't ever be denied. I may not be hanging out there anytime soon but you can count on me to pay me respects at least once a year every 4th Sunday in June.

LINKS:
- More info on the Stonewall Rebellion, courtesy of Columbia University
- The Official Stonewall Inn Website
- Heritage Of Pride Official Website

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Playing In The Background...
"I'm Gonna Live 'Till I Die"
by Queen Latifah
from the album "Trav'lin Light"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

Friday night Pubby and I went out on or third date. It was a birthday dinner he put together for one of his best friends. We dined at Forlini's, a very traditional Italian restaurant down in the part of Chinatown/Civic Center that used to be Little Italy. The restaurant looked so traditional with its oversize leather booths and murals of the Italian Riviera that I thought a bloodied member of a mob crime family would come stumbling past our table any second.

Over dinner we were having a heated debate about the internet, namely online dating/sex sites such as BlkGayChat/BGCLive, Adam4Adam, and Men4Now. Half the table, including Pubby, by the way, argued that all those websites are designed for is sex and that it is impossible for people to meet there and have a real relationship. The other half, my half, including the birthday girl, who looked stunning by the way, argued against that, saying that although there is a sexual overtone to those sites and the internet in general that the decision to have a casual fling or a meaningful relationship is that of the individuals involved regardless of where or how they met.

As you know I'm an advocate for internet dating. I think it's great. I've applauded it numerous times and have likened it's ease to that of ordering takeout. Along with the "Online Dating Horror Stories" I've posted here I've also had great experiences with the internet. Have I had flings and one night stands, sure I have, but I've also had relationships, friendships and non-sexual encounters with people I've met online. Often people who argue so fiercely against internet dating have little to no experience with it and blindly oppose it with no real foundation for their opinion as it is usually obtained from pseudo-austere snap judgment.

Anytime I am involved in this argument I notice that my opposition always seems to vilify the internet as though the internet is the sole reason why people hook up or why relationships don't last in the gay community. All the internet is is an avenue, another resource for people to meet. Now once they meet the decision to hook up or to begin dating is theirs. It seems that some of us fail to realize that people have been hooking up long before the internet and even now people still meet in other places, clubs, bath houses, sex parties, sex shops, gyms, and street corners, etc., where there's a will there's always been a way.

As the debate raged on a good point was made by someone from the opposing side. This person, who was older than we all were, said that the internet has chipped away at the organic process of meeting and dating people. As a person who came out after the advent of the internet and a person who's always had the internet as a part of his dating life I can personally attest to this. The internet does make the meeting process way more calculated and streamlined than meeting someone face to face. This is considered good or bad, depending on who you talk to. All or at least most of the relevant facts about a person are at a glance before you've even uttered your first audible 'Hello.'

I believe that most of us agree with the adages "easy come, easy go" and "anything worth having is worth working hard for" at least to some extent. Opponents of the internet often say that the ease of which you meet people on the internet contributes to the casual nature of the relationships of people who meet online. They argue that if you meet someone online and they are not everything you want them to be or if you are ever angry with them instead of working things out it's all too easy to go on the internet and meet someone else. While I see the validity of this argument I feel that this situation speaks more to the morals, relationship philosophy, and sheer self control of the individual. But what if that person has never been exposed to anything but the internet as far as dating is concerned? Wouldn't it be difficult for that person to see the people they meet as more than just a point and a few clicks? Touché (it's so cool when you could have a compelling argument with yourself). I have to admit that at times when I was in a relationship, especially after an argument, I was tempted to go on the internet and "check my messages." But as I stated previously that situation speaks to my individual self control.

In my self improvement effort to be as non-judgmental and objective as I can be I want to give myself the chance to see how the other half lives. How can I argue so vehemently for my side without having experienced the other? That would make my argument as empty and foundation-less as I stated that some of my opponents arguments were. So when I got home Saturday morning I deleted all of my internet dating accounts. Until further notice if I decide to meet anyone else it will be only through organic, non-internet means. Coincidentally, I actually met Pubby through a friend, but CancelCancel and Mr. Man I met originally via the internet. Although I'm not actively looking for anyone else at the moment I want to see how my relationships and my view on relationships differ without the internet as a factor. This is bound to be interesting. As always I'll keep you posted...

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Playing In The Background...
"Empty"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "The Velvet Rope"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (0)

If you could do life all over and be born straight, would you?

This was a question that was posed over a dinner I was at last night. This question that I'm sure has been asked among groups of gay people countless times. When posed to me I always answer the same way. That is always with a resounding "No."

At this point in my life I have no issues whatsoever with being gay. Being gay to me is a part of me, just much a part of me as me being black, or me waking up in the morning or me breathing. Me not being gay would alter my life severely. I wouldn't be the same person I am, doing the same things things I do, I wouldn't have this blog, I wouldn't have the wonderful friends I have, I wouldn't have had all the experiences I've had good and bad. I cherish all these things. God knew what he was doing when he made me. The fact that society is conditioned not to accept people like me so easily does not want to make me any less me. I rejoice in the fact that I've had the strength to overcome that adversity.

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Playing In The Background...
"Again"
by Faith Evans
from the album "The First Lady"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 06:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

con·tra·dic·tion
[kon-truh-dik-shuhn] –noun
3.    a statement or proposition that contradicts or denies another... and is logically incongruous.
4.    direct opposition between things compared; inconsistency.

Source: http://www.dictionary.com

Someone emailed me once and said that I contradict myself a lot on this blog. It was a hate email so along with that statement it was littered with a whole bunch of mean-spirited gibberish so I ignored it like all my other hate mail. Constructive criticism is cool, and may even be taken into consideration but name calling is ridiculous and the quickest way to get ignored. Today as I looked through some of my older posts I realized that the me now and the me a few months ago are different and contradict each other very much. 

It's weird but "contradiction" in today's society is one of those buzz words that is automatically associated with something bad. And in the case of public figures such as politicians and policy makers who in making decisions regarding our lives we expect them to live up to the standard they set as well, the yes it is a bad thing. But contradiction isn't bad in itself.

Looking at the definition of contradiction you will see that it's not such a terrible thing. The prefix 'contra' is derived from Latin, meaning against. Other 'contra' words are contraband (something that's against the law to possess), contrast (comparison that shows the difference of one thing against another), and contrary (two things that are opposing or against one another). We understand that to contradict something is to be against it, that's not a horrible thing is it? The sin seen in contradiction is to be against something that you were once for, as though it's wrong for someone to change their mind. Change is the essence of life. You are changing as you read this, your cells are dying off and regenerating themselves. Change is the essence of growth. If you cease to change you'll die.

Browsing through some of my older posts I skimmed over some of the things I said, especially when I was in a relationship. It's diametrically opposed to a lot of the way I feel and the things I say now. I almost felt bad for second until I realized: 'Duh! Life and experiences are designed to make you look at things differently.' Of course after something like a relationship has ended your views are gonna change. Most of the things that we say, state, declare during the time we're in a relationship are conditional upon that relationship lasting forever. So once it's over there goes all of that. That's part of the reason why breakups are so dramatic in the first dayum place.

Total congruency in all word and deed like I stated before is something to be expected from a politician. Laws and policies governing the peoples of the world are constructed not to be subject to change, that is without legislative and democratic process. This is not the U.S. Supreme Court, or some international parliament house. In matters of the heart and of our personal choices we can't realistically be held to such rigid standards.

This is life and in life you probably aren't gonna feel the same way about everything forever. Remember when you were a child and how you never thought you'd stop playing with your toys, you don't play with them anymore now. Does that make you a hypocrite? Of course not, it makes you an adult, you grew out of it. Remember that guy you you used to love and told you'd be with forever, you guys broke up and you don't love him like that anymore. Are you terrible? No. Do your current actions contradict your prior statement, yes, and so what? That's life, change is constant in life. We are not cardboard, were humans and change is the essence of our humanity. So yes if you go back in time some of my posts do contradict themselves, and your point is...?

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Playing In The Background...
"I Remember"
by Keyshia Cole
from the album "Just Like You"
==========

PS: In life try your very best to never speak in absolutes. You never know what you may end up doing.

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 02:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

When I first started this thing back in February I thought that because I'm so candid about my life that I'd have trouble dating because the person(s) I'm dating wouldn't necessarily want our personal business on the internet for all to see. Obviously I have a lot of respect for the privacy of the people I date hence the use of aliases and non-distinguishing characteristics and descriptions but I thought that even these measures wouldn't be enough to persuade some people to date me. Surprisingly, it's worked out quite the opposite way.

In the cases of the last few people I've dated they knew about the blog before they met me and once I asked them (I always ask) whether I could write about them in my blog the responses were overwhelmingly positive. It's now to the point that after we see each other or go out that they almost expect it to be on the blog the next day. They have even gone as far ask me why it's not up there by the time they log back on again and even why I may have left out certain intimate details. I really appreciate the support and it's really cool that they understand my vision that way.

Yesterday and today I was being interviewed about the blog for a publication and the interviewer asked me off the record whether the people I date read the blog. When I told him "Yes." he was shocked. Someone else asked me that on a message board and they were also shocked. I don't understand how though, I couldn't keep this blog a secret if I tried. It's much better that I tell them than them finding out on their own.

When I responded to the girl on the message board I said that I wish that the people I'm dating wrote blogs too. I would love to get on the internet and read about me. How cool is it to be able to go on a date with someone and then afterwards go home and be able to read about the date entirely from that other person's point of view? You can know exactly what they were thinking about everything that went on. How cool is it to be able to go online and research the person you are dating by reading stories about their past dates and interactions with past lovers? With that type of information you can make an educated and informed decision on whether this person is worth your time. Well anybody who dates me can do that. Unfortunately like the rest of us mere mortals I have to take stabs in the dark and hope I'm doing the right thing.

There is an occasion though where a person I was dating responded to one of my blog posts, check that out here.

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Playing In The Background...
"Neon Rocks"
by Calvin Harris
from the album "I Created Disco"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
With this post I'm christening a new category on the blog entitled "Dating". All of the date stories and date related stories will be placed there.
Enjoy.
==========

As you've read I'm dating right now. And for the first time ever I'm not dating exclusively. Believe it or not this whole thing is new for me. I've had a lot of sex, jumpoffs (people with whom I've had casual sexual encounters), one night stands and even relationships but never really dating, at least not like this. Going out with different people but with no expectation of sex, or a relationship, or anything for that matter, just chillin' and seeing where it goes, kinda like what straight people do. Everything is on a level playing field. There's no lying or cheating, you're free, they're free and you both can date whoever you like.

You meet people, you date them, you like them, they like you, you talk, you spend time, there's sexual attraction, things may happen. Unlike most guys, especially other tops, I'm not really into just throwing someone away once I sleep with them. If anything sex makes me want to be closer to the person. But if you are dating and you like someone and you spend time with them and you end up having sex you can't help but wonder if they're having sex with someone else or if they like someone else or if that sexy smile and gentle touch they give you they're giving to someone else. But then again why should you care because you're doing other things too, right? I guess that's supposed to make you feel better.

When we're dating, as much as we try to avoid saying it, at the end of the day we can only end up with one person. But when you're dating how and when do you decide which person that is? And what if that person doesn't feel the same way about you? And what about the other people you're dating? What do you tell them? And what about the holidays? Which holiday do you spend with which person? And what if they all wanna spend the same holiday with you? What about Valentine's day? Is it like a hotel or a plane ticket where you have to make your reservations early to get the days you want? Does Expedia have to get involved? How did something that was supposed to be so carefree and fun become so stressful?

Maybe I'm overreacting...

LINKS:
- Expedia.com

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Playing In The Background...
"Lollipop"
by Mika
From the album "Life In Cartoon Motion"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 02:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

Last Saturday night was my first date with Pubby. I've given him that nickname (that he just told me he doesn't like) because he works in magazine publishing. We had been beating around the bush, flirting via email and text message since our brief first meeting last week until I finally asked him out. I had originally asked him out to dinner but he already had dinner plans for that evening. So I asked him to dessert instead. Earlier that day I was flexing my concierge muscles searching for just the right place to go. After reviewing some of the menus online I realized that some of these dessert bars are a little too foo foo for me. Who the hell ever heard of corn ice cream? Yuk! So I decided to keep it simple and go to Junior's Times Square. Besides, we were meeting up at 11:30p anyway and at least I know they were gonna be open that late.

This date was scheduled on a night when I had to work the next morning which is something rarely ever do. But we had vibed so well over the past few days and really I wanted to see him again so I bended one of my rules a little. In preparation for the date I took a little nap earlier that evening before I went out. I woke up at 10, put on my pre-laid out outfit and bounced out the door around 10:50. Of course I forgot that it was the weekend and that the trains were not only gonna take forever but that they would be running local. I texted Pubby from the train station telling him that I may be running a little late. I'm very good about that kinda stuff. Saturday was unseasonably cold and I didn't want him to have to wait a long time for me. He was cool with it and said that he was gonna be about 15 minutes late as well.

I actually ended up arriving to Times Square basically on time. I looked at my cell phone, it said 11:36. I texted Pubby to tell him. Here is our succession of text messages:

11:38p: A: "I just got off the train at Times Square..."

11:40p: P: "See u in a bit."

11:41p: A: "Aight, I'll be at 45th & Bdwy."

Figuring that he would be a little later than 11:45 I decided to pop into the Virgin Megastore and pick up Lil' Mo's latest CD "Pain And Paper". I was in there at most maybe 15 minutes.

11:47p: P: "Perfect."

11:58p: P: "I'm on my way."

11:58p: A: "Aight."

I settled at the southwest corner of 45th & Broadway. I watched Nicole Scherzinger's "Whatever U Like" video in silence on the huge MTV screen across the street to pass the time. Her and T.I. have really good chemistry together. Then I opened the Lil' Mo CD I just bought and read the liner notes, she thanked Jesus more than most gospel artists. This kid walked by that I met online and went to a party with once. He looked me right in my face but didn't recognize me. I didn't know him well enough to go and say "Hi" or nothin' and besides, it's never been that serious. Then this guy that looked a lot like Kevin Liles (VP of Warner Music) walked by me and made a left onto 45th street. Oh wait, it is Kevin Liles, I know those bags anywhere. Too bad he's such a pompous jerk. Did you see that episode of "Oprah" he was on? I wanted to smack him! The girl he was with was pretty though.

12:10a: A: "Where u @ now?"

Just standing in Times Square, in the unseasonable cold, wiping my runny nose every few minutes. I thought about all of the first dates I've met here. Times Square (or Forty Deuce as they call it where I grew up in Brooklyn) has to be the most popular meeting place in the city. Probably because, most of the trains go here and who doesn't know where it is. This cold that is creeping up in my chest though is really fucking up my stroll down memory lane. 'Where the fuck is Pubby?' I thought, trying my best not to get upset. He said he'd only be 15 minutes late, it's already 25. I occupied myself by counting the hours of sleep I was losing by just being there. I coulda took a longer nap if I knew he was gonna be late like this.

12:15a: He calls me. When I heard his voice the frustration that was building up inside me started to wash away. I felt warm inside. He sounded so dayum good on the phone, but fuck that! I had to let this nigga know that this type of shyt is unacceptable. He apologized profusely for his tardiness and I never let the frustration leave my voice. He told me he was in a cab and on his way. I didn't even ask why his ass wasn't in a cab 30 minutes ago. See this is the shyt about dating that I hate.

12:28a: A: "Where are u?"

As my nose is till running and as I try not to get really pissed. I remind myself that he is in the cab and that there's probably traffic. This is New York.

12:28a: P: "42nd & 7th."

Okay he's a few blocks away. About 10 minutes later I look up to the north and see him come sauntering down Broadway toward me. I was mad at him but still happy to see him at the same time. He was so dayum fine, I couldn't stay mad at him for something like this if I tried. This is the only the first date so I calmed myself. He extended his arms to hug me:

"Sorry I'm late."

"It's okay... Actually no, it's not okay. You had me waiting out here mad long."
I said, asserting myself.

"I know babe, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you."

You know exactly where my mind went. Shyt, fuck dessert. We can go straight back to my place and let the reparations begin. As we walked down the block toward Junior's I shook myself out of my fantasy.

Once we were seated we began to talk or rather playfully debate about life and music, which is one of my favorite subjects. We did all of this while looking dead into each other's eyes, not missing a syllable. I'm one of those people that looks people directly into their eyes when I talk to them. The eyes tell so much about a person. Even during our brief first meeting the other day it was Pubby's eyes that told me that he was attracted in me.

Originally, my idea for this date was for us to meet up at my place for dessert. I was gonna get some chocolate covered strawberries, whipped cream, ice cream, the works. Pubby texted me and told me that he was a "classicist" and that he was a little uncomfortable with our first date being at my place. I understand that because when you're at someone's house there is that underlying sexual vibe in the air. Even if there is no actual intention to have sex, probability is playing against you. I honestly wanted the date at my place because I knew I had to work the next day so that would have made things a bit easier for me, being at home. But being at Junior's was cool, I didn't love standing in the cold for an hour but I'm over that, I promise.

As time went on things began to get a little more cozy between us. The eye contact, the conversation. The grabbing of each other's legs every so often. As our conversation continued he took his leg and nestled it between my leg and the wall. Physical contact is always a good sign. I explained to him that my original proposal to do this at my place wasn't fueled by sex. I felt I needed to explain as this blog (which he visited prior to our date) seems to sometimes color people's view of how I am. You tell a few sex stories and people think you're the gay Wilt Chamberlain or something. He totally understood and inferred that it wasn't only me he was worried about. I was liking this dude even more.

We finally ordered, he had a warm brownie ala mode and I had the strawberry shortcake. We both had drinks and I was starting to feel mine. Y'all know I don't drink very often and it doesn't take much for me to get a little tipsy. As we continued vibing every so often he would get a phone call. But even those interruptions didn't disturb the groove we were in. We ended up closing out Junior's and after getting dirty looks from the staff we decided to leave but I really didn't want the night to end. By that time though it was after 1am and it was probably best for me to walk him to a cab and take my ass home.

I didn't know at the time but he actually didn't need a cab his friends were coming to pick him up. They were waiting outside, for a while according to one of his friends that's why he kept calling, in a car on 45th Street. I walked him to the car and prepared to say good night when he asked me whether I wanted to go to a club with them. I know I should have said no, as I had to wake up for work in about five and a half hours but I was having fun so I went.

Pubby's friend, the driver, we'll call him Alex is a socialite of sorts. I didn't know him personally but I'd always see him around. As you know I don't go out much but whenever I did go out he was one of the people I would usually see. He and two other people, one of which I actually know are people I would say "make a party." It's almost as though I haven't officially gone out unless I saw one of them. What was even funnier is that during the ride downtown Alex even said that "my face looked familiar."

Being in the car was cool. It gave Pubby and I a chance to get a little closer. Everything was going very well at that moment until I realized that we were going to a black club. Oh brother, I was mentally preparing myself to hear that dayum "Freakum Dress" song for the thirteen millionth time.

After circling and circling around Chelsea in search of a parking space we finally arrived to Secret. From what I heard this was the only black party going on that night and there was no cover. Needless to say, it was packed and the line was crazy. What's really crazy is that after all the websites I've done for the black clubs here in New York I should have known about this place but I'd never really heard of it before.

It was cold and none of us were interested in waiting on that line. Alex and Pubby got on their cell phones trying to contact their connects in the club in an effort to get us in. As we were standing in front of the club some friends of theirs came out and were saying that the party was "late" and that there a lot of young people in there. That's definitely to be expected at a free party. Basically they were saying that it wasn't even worth our time. Their major complaint was that all of the "A-list" people were outside the club while the inside was filled with "nots," people who weren't as popular and therefore didn't deserve to party or even live according to some.

So as we stood there they were talking to their friends as they badmouthed the party and ridiculed some of the younger and not so well put together patrons who were leaving the club. I over heard Pubby saying to another of the more popular scensters waiting outside:

"Don't they know that there's a caste system?"

Unfortunately there is a sort of caste system to the New York black gay scene. You've got your "haves", your "have nots" and even your "untouchables" and then there are those who have been touched way too much. Basically you're no one until someone talks about you. I'm not sure exactly where or even if I fit in somewhere on that scale. Luckily for me I don't give a flying fuck either way.

So we finally got in. Uh huh, niggas talked all that shyt but all they asses was eventually in that club. Squishing my way through the crowd all the reasons why I don't like the black clubs came rushing back to me. Look to the right, there's a guy that tried to talk to me online, look to the left there's another one. I did actually know a few people at this crowded ass party so I gave my salutations as I headed to the bar.

While waiting for his drink I stood behind Pubby as he lightly grinded his ass into me. I grabbed by his waist and did a few light touches and feels, that was cool. We made our way back to the dance floor in time for them to play Britney Spears "Gimme More (remix)" featuring T.I. When that beat dropped the whole club went off, everybody was dancing. I had been feening to hear that song in a club all weekend and I was tight that i didn't hear it when I was out with CancelCancel the night before. I stood on the floor as Pubby and Alex danced on top of a couch with drinks in their hands. It was a very Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie moment.

Soon after I went back to the bar and got myself a cranberry juice as Pubby and Alex made their rounds, being socialites. By that time we'd been at the club a little more than an hour and I was starting to get bored. See that's my issue with clubs, I don't understand how people can do this all night long. After about an hour, which is enough time to say all your "Hi's" and let all the kids see your face I'm ready to go. I was also ready to sit down. I sat on a leather couch in the back of club near the bathrooms. As I sat there on the couch pretty much ready to go this guy came up and tried to talk to me. He did the whole "Why you looking like that?" "What's your name?" spiel. This dude is trying to get my number and I'm supposed to be here on a date. In fact, where the fuck is my date?

I was ready to go. I circled the club looking for Pubby. I at least wanted to at least say goodbye before I left. I couldn't find him. In the midst of my search I did run into one of my good friends who was surprised to see me out at a club. I told him I was out with someone and I couldn't find them at the moment. He told me that I should circle the club one more time and if I didn't see him to bounce. I circled and didn't see Pubby.

As I was preparing to say goodbye via text message the lights came up. It was 4am and the party was over. I went outside and after glances to the right and the left, no Pubby. Right as I was about to push the 'send' button and stroll down the block there goes Pubby behind me. He was having a flirty conversation with some dude, probably an ex-date or something. Either way it's none of my business and jealousy has reared it's ugly head enough this weekend.

Pubby looks over at me, caught by surprise. I told him that I was ready to go as I couldn't find him for the past 45 minutes. It bothered me that the party was over he hadn't bothered looking for me in all that time. I didn't even get as much as a text. It would be easy to blame it on the alcohol but I wasn't gonna mentally brush this off that easily as I've been down this road before. Actually I used to live in a fuckin' condo on that road. This moment recalled some of the frustration I felt at the beginning of the night. I wasn't mad, but what I was was aware. I had concluded that Pubby though, intelligent, sexy, and fine, wasn't the most considerate person in the world.

We still all ended up leaving together though. Back in Alex's car Pubby and I were cuddled up again this time sharing our first kiss. It was nice. I felt a little electricity. He was cool, I like him and it was feeling really good to be close to him right then as Alex sped up 8th Avenue and then Central Park West with Lindsay Lohan and then Keyshia Cole blaring from the speakers. Yeah this was all nice but this evening's events are keeping me from getting too caught up. We'll see...

LINKS:
- Junior's Restaurants

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Playing In The Background...
"A Little More Personal"
by Lindsay Lohan
from the album "A Little More Personal (Raw)"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Keyshia Cole
"Just Like You"
2007 Geffen Records
4/5

Ever since she hit the scene in 2005 Keyshia Cole has been compared to Mary J. Blige. Some have even gone as far to say that she's a student of hers. If her 2005 debut, "The Way It Is" is like Mary J. Blige's "What's The 411" then her sophomore album "Just Like You" is like Blige's "Mary", her fourth album. Keyshia is an advanced student.

"Just Like You" is vocally and lyrically way more mature than that of Cole's first album, even at times leaning toward adult contemporary. But don't get me wrong Keyshia still a little something left for the clubs but way less than her debut.

The album starts with the acapella intro to the first and current top 10 single from the album, "Let It Go" featuring Lil' Kim and Missy Elliott. We all know it, we all love it. You can't go to a club or turn on an urban radio station without hearing it. This song is only a slight indication of how much Cole has grown vocally since her debut.

The album's only true dud is the second track "Didn't I Tell You" featuring rapper Too Short. Unfortunately his uninspired, direction-impaired rhymes weren't short enough. He sounds like a surfer boy from South Central. Only Kelis could make Too Short barely listenable. The song itself isn't bad but he just ruins the whole experience. "Shoulda Let You Go" produced by Darkchild isn't as bad but another uninspired feature from new rapper Amina does nothing for the song.

The album takes a more midtempo turn with "Fallin' Out" and "Give Me More" which sounds a little like Amerie's "Why Don't We Fall In Love" in certain places. About three minutes into the song Cole sings Blige's famous "La dee da da da..." run from the beginning of "My Life." Some may call this homage, while others may call it larceny, you be the judge. Both these tracks that could have easily fit into Cole's first album.

Then we get to the gem of the album, "I Remember". An absolutely stunning, heartfelt ballad about loss and heartbreak. It includes lush piano, guitar and string arrangements but the most beautiful of all the instruments is Keyshia's voice. She sounds absolutely amazing on this track, way better than on anything on the her debut album. This is the song that if promoted correctly can make Keyshia Cole a household name. With it's universal appeal and catchy and memorable chorus this song had Billboard #1 all over it. This is what sets her apart from Mary J. Blige or anyone else for that matter. This song is all Keyshia. Two tracks down, "Heaven Sent" continues the adult contemporary vibe.

Other standouts on the album include: The midtempo "Gotta Get My Heart Back" which features a rap from Keyshia herself which is to the excellence caliber of Lil' Kim's rhyme on "Let It Go". The title track "Just Like You" features some heartfelt spoken word from Keyshia. The album even includes the ubiquitous "Last Night", Cole's song with Diddy from his last album.

All in all, a good album, not better than the first, but different and more mature.

If you must download, download: "Let It Go", "I Remember", & "Gotta Get My Heart Back"

ALBUM IN STORES TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25th!

Buy it from Amazon.com here.

Website: KeyshiaCole.com

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Playing In The Background...
"I Remember"
by Keyshia Cole
from the album "Just Like You"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Jill Scott
"The Real Thing: Words And Sounds Vol. 3"
2007 Hidden Beach Recordings
3.5/5

I don't know whether it's the divorce or whether she's been hanging out too much with her "Why Did I Get Married" film co-star, Janet Jackson but Jill Scott has turned into a freak. Look at that album cover. Do you see those eyes? Do you see those breasts pushed up there in that top? That's the face of a woman who knows what she wants and by the end of the album gets it over and over and over again, in different positions too.

Needless to say at this point but "The Real Thing" is Scott's most sexual album yet. I haven't been this shocked listening to Jill Scott songs since "The Thickness" from the "Experience" album and at least there she prefaced the song with a disclaimer. Don't get me wrong, I'm liking freaky Jill but it's just taking some getting used to.

I'm glad Jill Started the album with the trio of "Let It Be", "The Real Thing", and the first and current single, "Hate On Me" because I don't like all three of these songs and she's made it so easy for me to skip them. The first is pointless, the second uninspired, and the third's subject matter is just beneath Jill. I don't know who's idea it was to make that the single. I guess it has to do with the fact that it's one of the safer songs on the album.

Now we can get to the good stuff. The fourth track "Come See Me" is amazing. The lyrics and Jill's voice totally convey the song's message of longing and desire. It will definitely put you in the mood. It's more sensual than sexual. One of the best songs on the album. It would have made a much better first single than that "Hate On Me".

"Crown Royal" and "Epiphany" are almost downright pornographic compared to songs from Scott's previous albums. The first describes a situation in which Scott and her male friend are doing it doggy style, the second tells a story about Scott and a male friend doing it missionary, doggy style and then missionary again with "creamy hot lava hitting her skin and neck" somewhere in between. "My Love" is a haunting ballad in which she tells an ex that her love is "deeper" and "tighter" than that of his wife. "How It Make You Feel", asks the question what would the world be like for a black man if there were no more black women. She emphasized her point by telling him that there'd be no more "nappy dugout ever." All she dreams about is making love on "All I" and then she gave it all up on "Celibacy Blues". Of course in true Jill Scott style, her songs, even the freakier ones, are to educate more than titillate. These songs contain her most racy of lyrical moments but keep in mind that there's still no parental advisory sticker on the CD.

Other rated G highlights from the album are "Insomnia" where Scott tells the story of a woman waiting up all night for a man who never comes home. She's on the verge on infidelity on "Whenever You're Around" and she's ready to leave on the funky "Only You".

It's different but good. Is it as good as her first album? No. But really is anything?

If you must download, download: "Come See Me", "My Love", &  "Insomnia"

ALBUM IN STORES TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25th!

Buy it from Amazon.com here.

Website: JillScott.com

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Playing In The Background...
"My Love"
by Jill Scott
from the album "The Real Thing: Words And Sounds Vol. 3"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

Hey Everybody,

I've been linked from the Best Gay Blogs Website.

There's also a short interview segment there.

Be sure to go there and rate me.

I just want to welcome everyone who has come here from there.

Be sure to scroll down and check out all of the post categories (listed on the left hand side) from Music to Sex to Online Dating Horror Stories (I'm sure we've all had those). Either way just have a good time.

Thanks Again For The Link,
-Adam

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Hey Y'all,

The blog was shouted out again...

This time it was on the Masculine Curves Blog:
http://masculinecurves.typepad.com/

Something I said was picked as quote of the week.

People are actually quoting ME now as effed up as I am. LOL

But be sure to check out the blog.

I just added it to my Favorite Blogs list.

http://masculinecurves.typepad.com/

-Adam

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 05:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Lil' Mo
"Pain & Paper"
2007 HoneyChild Inc.
3.5/5

I love me some Lil' Mo. I always have and I always will. I've always appreciated her raw talent, the street but sweet, girl next door in the hood sensibility she brings to her music and the emotion she evokes. After her deal with Elektra Records expired and after getting dropped dropped from Cash Money Records Lil' Mo followed the path of Prince and more recently Tamia and decided to go independent, giving herself free reign creatively and financially over her music. The problem though with most independent releases is that while the music may still be good there's usually a certain lustre missing from the musical production and especially the packaging. Most people don't care one way or another about album cover packaging design, especially with the advent of iTunes, but as a graphic designer it's something I have a keen eye for. This surprisingly wasn't the case for Tamia's last album "Between Friends" but unfortunately that is somewhat the case here. And as far as the music is concerned, besides a few slight missteps, the album, though more ballad heavy is almost as good as the first two. Her second album "Meet The Girl Next Door" is my favorite and the most solid album of hers. This album is a hard act to follow.

The theme of this album is "from pain to paper." The pain which seems to be born out of the problems she went through with her ex-husband Al Stone into the paper which seems to mean money and success but can also mean writing on paper as Mo writes most of her songs. She wrote all but three songs on this album. We all know that Lil' Mo, the self-proclaimed Godmother of Hip Hop & R&B (does ever artist have to have a title these days?), honed her vocal chops growing up in church. Upon hearing this album you'll notice that it has a gospel feel to it. That's because two of the main writers/producers on this album Asaph Ward (Kim Burrell, Karen Clark-Sheard) and Jules "Juda" Bartholomew are best known for their work with Gospel artists.

The album starts out with an "Intro", which is basically Lil' Mo giving a spoken introduction of the album and then singing acapella, which is one of her specialties.

"Sumtimes I", the first and current single, features Jim Jones while "Sumtimes I (Part 2)" is the same song with an even better flow by Fabolous. I'm not sure why she didn't release the Fabolous version as the single. I'm guessing that she wanted to try something different and not have all three of her albums have a first single featuring him. I say if it ain't broke don't fix it. Either way the midtempo song about being with someone and wishing that you were with someone else is a good song but it wouldn't have been my choice for the first single.

"Heartbeat" feat. Donny Roc, produced by Brian Michael Cox is another standout on the album. The overall message of the song is to cherish the ones that we love while they're still here. The tragic song about pain and loss is made even more poignant by the use of the beeping sound of a heart monitor woven into the beat.

"Lucky Her", a song about a woman who's once irresponsible man has left her, grown up, and has become responsible, but with someone else, "Broken Heart", a cry from a woman for someone to mend her broken heart, "Husband", a song about a woman who's discovered that she's dating a married man, "Jus Like That", a song about a woman in an bad relationship who's man is leaving her, and "No Hotel", a song about a woman who's giving a man who is staying in and out of her house and life his final walking papers are all classic Lil' Mo songs dealing with the ups and downs and pains of relationships from a woman's perspective. If you like Lil' Mo you'll love these.

"Sexy Pictures" feat. Trina is about most commercial song on this album. It has the best beat and is a little reminiscent of "Ain't No Reason" from her last album. Another song which was lauded for having one of the best beats ever! With the right video this song could be a smash hit. It's basically a song about Lil' Mo and Trina sending their men sexy pictures from her camera phones.

To end the album Mo takes us to church on "Dotted I (I'm Not Perfect)". Your basic 'I'm not perfect don't judge me' R&B/gospel-ish song with the layered Lil' Mo Mass Choir singing background. It's actually a great song and a great way to end the album.

Unfortunately though to get to the end of the album we have to wade through songs like "Youngin'"  feat. Da Brat and "How Can I Tell" feat. Heaven (not her baby daughter, this isn't a Kelly Price album). These songs are both absolutely terrible, even worse than "Gangsta" from Mo's first album "Based On A True Story". I don't know what my girl Mo was thinking but the album was long enough with 17 tracks. She could have easily left these two out and we never would have noticed.

If you must download, download: "Heartbeat", "Sexy Pictures", & "Sumtimes I (Part 2)"

THE ALBUM IS IN STORES NOW!

Buy it from Amazon.com here.

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Playing In The Background...
"Sumtimes I (Part 2)" feat. Fabolous
by Lil' Mo
from the album "Pain And Paper"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 04:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Friday night CancelCancel and I went out on our second date. It had been exactly two weeks since our first date (click here to read that post). We were supposed to go out last Friday night but we got into an argument of sorts (more like a misunderstanding totally on my part) and ironically I ended up canceling that date. We managed to patch things up since then and we rescheduled our date.

We dined at Bond 45, a nice, but not ultra fancy Italian steakhouse right off Times Square. Dining there was especially fun because CancelCancel told me that he never been to a restaurant of that that caliber before and jokingly promised not to "act ghetto." I told him not to worry and regaled him with the story about me and my best friend's first time dining at a better restaurant. We didn't understand a thing on the menu and ordered whatever had lobster in it. I have to admit dining out in some of these places used to be a little intimidating at first especially seeing that I was usually one of the only black people there (read about one of those experiences in this post) but over time being a concierge I got used to it.

Dinner was great, we ordered the shrimp and scallop antipasti as the appetizer I had seafood over rice as my entree, he had the filet mignon and for dessert I had blueberry cannolis and he had strawberry cheesecake. We didn't have to pay for the check so I made sure to leave a big tip.

CancelCancel texted me earlier that day and said he wanted to go to a club. I was cool as long as it wasn't a black club. As you know I'm totally over the black gay club scene. If I see one more person "snap for the kids" or do a "Naomi Campbell walk" I'm gonna lose my effing mind! I was definitely seeking respite from the ubiquitous juggernaut that is Beyonce.

So we settled on Splash, a two level club in Chelsea. It was a mixed crowd, mostly white there on Friday nights and the change in scenery was more than welcome. No ex dates, no Beyonce, it was great! The indistinguishable house music booming from the speakers was at the perfect tempo for me and CancelCancel to start getting frisky on the dance floor. As the music was pumping I took my place behind him, grabbing his waist and grinding my dick into his backside. Every so often I would grab his hand and place it on my hardening dick, so he could feel it through my jeans and I would kiss his neck a little. It was crazy kinda like how they talk about in all those songs about being on a crowded dance floor and feeling like you're the only two people in the room. It was like that for us, very close, very passionate.

Every so often in between house beats the DJ would play a song that could actually be recognized. Once he played Rihanna's "Don't Stop The Music", the whole club went off. He also played a dance remix of Toni Braxton's "Un-break My Heart" to which everyone sang along. Twice during the night a certain totally wasted African-American weatherman for our local Fox TV affiliate stumbled by us, the second time making eyes with CancelCancel. I always heard that he was gay, now I know for myself.

Soon after we headed around the corner to Club Rush. When we first approached the club it was crowded and people were having trouble getting in. Just then one of the club promoters stepped out of the door, he was actually kinda cute. Then he motioned seductively for CancelCancel. 'Now I know this motherfucker sees us together.' I thought to myself but I was cool as CancelCancel walked over. He then tells him to come in for free. To that he says to the promoter "Well he can come in too, right?" (that was good looking out on his part, he betta had). The promoter said "Yeah" and we walked in.

As we walk in CancelCancel is a few paces in front of me. The club promoter is following behind and he keeps tapping me trying to get my date's attention. I'm looking back mean mugging and ignoring this nigga hoping his dumb ass gets the fuckin' point. At about that third tap I was about to turn around and wild the fuck out on this dude when I realized me and CancelCancel ain't together. Even though we're on a date and this dumbass is being mad fuckin' disrespectful to me right now CancelCancel is free to date whomever he wants. So I'ma chill and inform him that this faggot ass promoter dude wants to speak to him. I wanna see what CancelCancel is gonna do anyway. 'Cuz if he gives this dude his number in my face it's a fuckin' wrap!

So as he walks over to the promoter dude I follow behind and end up a few feet away. He's trying to spit his little weak, corny ass game at my date. I stood to the side, boiling, but I was trying my best to play it cool. I couldn't really hear their conversation but somewhere in the there that faggot asked whether I was CancelCancel's boyfriend. He said "No." He was right, but I have to admit that that did sting just a little bit. As they talked I was steady mean mugging this dude. He looks over and then gives me dap and asks me my name. Oh this faggot is bold as hell. I shoulda wiled the fuck out right then. But CancelCancel is not my dude and so far he hasn't disrespected me so still I kept it cool. From what I saw CancelCancel was humoring him more than anything and no numbers were exchanged so everything was aight. I was still mad though that this punk was really tryna play me like he didn't know what the fuck was goin' on.

CancelCancel did well, he passed this test. The real question though is whether he was just playing this off and woulda gave that dude his number if I wasn't around. He wouldn't have been wrong for it but I can't help but wonder if he was actually attracted to dude.

So we left from over there and got on the dance floor. CancelCancel is tryna dance with me but I'm not moving. I'm still heated. I'm mad that this faggot really just played me just now. I'm off the CancelCancel thing, this was between me and dude. As I stood there fidgeting with my hands I began to make two fists and my knuckles started getting hot. I wanted to punch that nigga in his face. I was ready to fight. This is a feeling I haven't felt since high school. I'm usually a much more level headed person than this, but then again this has never happened to me before.

In retrospect I realize that my anger from the whole situation was at the disrespect more than anything. It bruised my ego. As we all know the male ego is very fragile and even as gay men we aren't exempt from the occasional caveman moment.

It was loud as hell in there. Cancel Cancel kept asking me what was wrong. He knew exactly why I was heated. Rather than try to yell in my ear he decided to text me as there was no point in talking over that loud ass music.

"We had such a great night. Let's not spoil it over some dude at the door."

"I guess I can't really get mad 'cuz we're not "together" but that shyt was mad fuckin' disrespectful and if you woulda gave him ur number that woulda been a wrap! U didn't give him your number did u? His punk ass betta not try no shyt when we leave..."

"Nah I didn't give him my number. I only [talked to him] because he got us in the club for free. He lives in BK and you should know I don't do BK dudes remember?"
Let me explain that statement. About a year ago before CancelCancel and I met in person we used to talk online. The main reason why we never met back then was because he lived in The Bronx and I lived in Brooklyn at the time and the distance was too much for him.

"So if he didn't live in bk...? Anyway, all I know is his ass betta not try no slick shyt or you gon' see the other side 2nite..."

"Pleeeeease don't get in fighting mode. I didn't come out here for that and neither did u. I thought u didn't get jealous."

"I didn't think I was the jealous type either but when u like someone... and that shyt was disrespectful. I don't like that disrespectful shyt, that shyt gets me mad..."

"Ahhhh don't get mad. I'm having such a good time with u. U know how guys are so u should know how it is."

After our text conversation I was pretty much okay. I calmed down. We started dancing and having a good time. I was gettin' my grind back on and we were back to being frisky on the dance floor. The music was a good mix of pop and R&B. The crowd was younger that that of Splash, a lot of college kids. We were there for a good little while. Even though CancelCancel diffused the situation you best believe I was ready for that promoter motherfucker to try some shyt when we left the club. If he woulda said one more thing I woulda lit his ass up. CancelCancel told me later that night that he was hoping that we didn't see him again. All in all I won anyway, I got the dude that nigga wanted and his dumb ass let me in the club for free, saving me 20 bucks. So it was all good.

See this is where the therapy comes in. After writing and now reading this blog entry 36 hours later I'm so happy I didn't let my ego get the best of me. Cuz if I woulda fought that dude the big ass bouncer was there in front and I'm pretty sure woulda been on dude's side. I'm not a punk but I'm smart enough to know I can't beat everybody. And it was a Friday night, in white ass Chelsea. The police woulda been called and we definitely woulda got arrested. We wouldn't have been let out until at least Monday and I had to work today (Sunday). So I would have have gotten arrested and possibly a record and possibly fired and maybe even God forbid, a scratch or a bruise on my face all for my foolish pride. I'm good. some things really aren't worth fighting for.

LINKS:
- Bond 45 Restaurant

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Playing In The Background...
"Don't Stop The Music (The Wideboys Club Mix)"
by Rihanna
from the album "Good Girl Gone Bad (Bonus Remix CD)"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

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I wanted to start this post by giving a shout out to all the readers from Rochester, New York, "The Flower City", "The World's Image Center" on the mighty Genesee River. It warms my heart to know that you care so much. :)
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As a part of the divorce settlement my ex-boyfriend and I had dinner last night. We dined at Da Marino, a cozy Italian restaurant in the Theatre District. Thankfully we'd concluded all of our heavy, arduous break up summit last week so last night's conversation was as light and fluffy as lemon meringue. It basically consisted of us talking about how we plan to move forward as friends, how we are both happy to still be in each other's lives, and our future business endeavors.

Our meeting reminded me of the conversation we had a while back where mentioned that a few people have been keeping him abreast of what was being posted on the blog regarding our breakup in the past few weeks. It's funny how I never quite realize the full scope of this thing. I see the numbers but I'm always a little shocked when it comes around full circle like that, funny.

While we were exchanging pleasantries I saw a man come out of the kitchen. I thought he looked a little like Chris Noth, but this guy looked a little too thin. I had actually seen Chris Noth before at a Starbucks in the Village a few years back. But once he turned around we saw that it really was Chris Noth, also known as "Mr. Big/John" from "Sex And The City". He looked like he was in really good shape, which I'm sure is for the "Sex And The City" movie, being filmed now all over the city. He dined with friends a few tables away from us. News just broke that "Dreamgirls" film star Jennifer Hudson will be starring in the movie as well as "Carrie's" (Sarah Jessica Parker's) assistant. As a huge "Sex And The City" fan (I own the whole series on DVD) I'm really looking forward to this movie.

All in all I'm happy than Mr. Man and I have had an amicable breakup and are really gonna remain friends, for real. It felt good to be together without the heaviness that's been hanging over the both of us for the past month or so. This whole thing wasn't as easy as we have made it look (it was miraculous) but it's definitely, definitely worth it.

LINKS:
  - Da Marino Restaurant
  - Chris Noth's Official Website

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Playing In The Background...
"When You Believe"
by Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey
from the albums "My Love Is Your Love", "#1's", and the "Prince Of Egypt Motion Picture Soundtrack"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

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With this post I'm christening a new category on the blog entitled: "Self Improvement." Posts in this category will be focused on trying to make myself a better person from the inside out. Namely to separate myself from detrimental behaviors that are unfortunately stereotypically gay. Such as cattiness, messiness, shadiness, gossiping, promiscuousness, lying, shoplifting, always looking to turn the next straight man out, etc., etc., etc. I call these faggot behaviors. I haven't engaged in all of them but I just wanted to give you a broad example.

My efforts to rid myself of these behaviors will often involve me excavating faults, errors and vulnerabilities that I have buried deep inside my psyche. I'm sure you know by now that talking candidly about my sex life is nothing to me, that's easy. These are posts that will be the hardest to write.

I'm nobody's psychologist or guru but we gon' work this out together. If you haven't written comments before this is a great category to start in. Of course all your input is more than appreciated.
Enjoy.
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I will not look at other guys in the locker room at the gym.
I will not look at other guys in the locker room at the gym.
I will not look at other guys in the locker room at the gym.
I will not look at other guys in the locker room at the gym.
I will not look at other guys in the locker room at the gym.

Remember back in the day when you were in elementary school and whenever you were caught misbehaving the teacher made you write that you wouldn't do whatever you did on the chalkboard 100 times. I guess the teacher thought that you would learn best through repetition. Well, I'm trying this age old method on myself.

Faggot Behavior #1:
I will not look at other guys in the locker room at the gym.
One of the major reasons why straight men and gay men don't get along is because straight men think that in the back (and sometimes not so far in the back) of every gay guy's mind they are trying to or looking for an opportunity to do something sexual with them. Unfortunately, for the most part their right. If given the opportunity a gay guy probably would do something with a straight guy he was attracted to even if the guy were married, had a girlfriend, kids, etc.

This whole situation really comes to a head at the gym. The gym of course is the gay church, but like most churches it is sacred but yet and still a public place so the breeders are also free to worship there as well. The main reason why I joined my particular gym is because it didn't have a reputation for dudes messing around in the sauna there as most Manhattan gyms do, especially in Chelsea. It's gotten so bad now where they have put up signs threatening police intervention to anyone caught engaging in lewd acts at the gym, how embarrassing? This type of behavior brings the whole gay community down and is one of the main reason we aren't taken seriously by the government in issues of attaining equal rights in this country.

Like most revolutions it starts with the individual and I am trying my best to do my part in strengthening gay/straight relations in this country. That starts with me not looking at other guys in the locker room. I know it's a small thing, but I'm still doing my part. As an American you have the right to get undressed in a gym locker room without being ogled at like a piece of meat. I can't lie though, it's easier said than done.

Lately, the dudes at my gym have been getting finer and finer. I don't know what happened but in the last month or so I'm starting to see all these new sexy ass dudes at the gym. Even though Lord knows it's tempting to look I get in total tunnel vision mode at the gym. I try my best to keep my eyes on my own work, so to speak. But last night there was this guy. I don't think I'd ever seen him before. He walked in the locker room and he was fine, and not just really cute fine, this nigga was fiiiiiiine! He was get-on-the phone-and-call-your-best friend-just-to-tell-him-how-fine-he-was, fine. He was take-a-picture-with-your camera-phone and-send-it-to-your-friends-just-for-the-ki-ki, fine. He was so fine I had to get away from him.

He was like 6'1, blatino, masculine, defined jaw line, perfectly lined up haircut, juicy lips, goatee, smooth skin, perfect body (muscular but not bulky), caramel skin tone, defined six pack, the works. He's not even my usual type and I'm definitely not boy crazy or one to stare but I had to give him his props. This dude coulda been a model, I'm talkin' Will Lemay status.

I know I described him pretty well. I didn't stare but I got in, of course he didn't know though (this is ME we're talkin' about). I kept my glances quick and to a minimum. After I gave in to the temptation of beholding him, such a fine creature, I came back to Earth and realized that it must be pretty annoying for him, who I'm pretty sure is straight (he gave me no vibe at all) to be looked upon with lust by all these fags all the time. Why can't he just go to the gym and change his clothes like a normal person without the discomfort of unwanted stares?

I realized I was being such a fag at that moment. I was not a club or a bar or a gay themed place. I was at the gym, it really wasn't the place for that sort of behavior. I should have exerted a little more self control. It's like when I'm at a club and a guy that I'm not into is constantly staring at me. It makes my skin crawl, especially if I'm not reciprocating his glances. I would hate to give someone else that feeling and even more so I would hate to be looked upon as a desperate fag.

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Playing In The Background...
"I Try"
by Mary Mary
from the album "Incredible"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

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Janet Jackson, Ashanti and their respective boos Nelly and Jermaine Dupri at Jermaine's MTV VMA after party Sunday night.
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MTV Reporter DuJour: "What can we expect (from the new album)? What are you trying to do?"

Janet Jackson: "I'm tryna do me..."
Then she flips her hair, laughs and totally ignores the reporter.

That's what I'm talkin' about Janet! Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely love Janet Jackson. She is my favorite recording artist, EVER! I have at least sixty to seventy of her albums, import albums, singles and import singles. Janet was the first music artist I ever took notice of as a kid ("Rhythm Nation 1814" era) and her CD was the first one I ever bought with my own money ("The Velvet Rope" still the best album ever made in my opinion). I've been down with her through the years through the good and the bad times. Janet is a part of me.

The most devastating blow to every Janet fan was the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction incident in 2004. It was a sad day for all of us. Not only was she left out in the cold by her counterpart Justin Timberfake (who I cannot stand and will not and have not supported since that day) due to legalities and the whole damn thing just being blown way out of proportion her music was basically banned from MTV and many radio outlets. All this bad press was a major part of the lackluster sales of her last two albums "Damita Jo' and "20 Y.O.".

My only problem with Janet during the Superbowl backlash was that she wasn't bitchy and brazen enough about it. Due to overwhelming pressure around her she apologized for the incident and remained very quiet and docile about the situation including not really speaking out about her ban from MTV and radio. Many say racism played a part of it as artists like Madonna, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Courtney Love have had performances of equal controversy and never faced such severe treatment. One thing I respect about Madonna is that she doesn't apologize for anything she does. Madonna has done many things (some involving crucifixes) that have stunned the religious and every other community for years and yet no apologies, no regrets, no acquiescing. At the end of the day as much as people whine and complain about how unapologetic Madonna is the industry respects her for it. In spite of all the controversy Madonna is still the biggest female recording artist of all time.

It's a new day. Finally, finally, finally Janet takes her first shot at MTV, it's subtle and may even seem a little subliminal to those who aren't in the know but it was a shot nevertheless. Janet, who after being banned from MTV was invited to attend the MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas last Sunday night. She didn't bother showing up but did attend her beau Jermaine Dupri's party afterwards.

On their way into the party some new MTV reporter started asking Jermaine about the whole 50 Cent / Kanye West fake beef marketing scheme. Then he turned to ask Janet about her new album. He asked her whether she was working with Ne-Yo. She answered rather matter-of-factly as though the reporter was more of a nuisance than a means of promotion. The reporter then made an attempt to pry a little deeper into her plans for the new album, her first on Island/Def Jam. When asked what she was gonna do as far as a direction for the album she answered with a rather shady "I'm tryna do me," flipped her hair, laughed, and stepped out of the line of questioning.

I guess she figures after all this time who cares that MTV is finally interested in her. MTV tried to throw Janet a bone and she threw it back in their faces! Way to go Janet! I am basking in your shade, hopefully there's more of it to come.

I've got the video of Janet's shady moment here. This clip was taped for online use and probably would never make it to television but it is immortalized here forever. You need the QuickTime player to view it. Turn your speakers up because unfortunately the sound quality isn't great.

"Enjoy, la la la la la. Enjoy, la la la la la..."

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Get It Out Me"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "20 Y.O."

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

To err is human; to forgive, divine.
-Alexander Pope

Yo, I just realized that I am the luckiest man in the world. Luckier than lotto winners, Michelle Williams from Destiny's Child, and even OJ Simpson. I have been royally fucking up with the people in my life lately and for some reason they still want me around. They say that cleanliness is next to Godliness, no forgiveness is next to Godliness.

Of all that people can think about me from reading this blog, some think I'm smart, some think I'm stupid, some think I'm funny, some think I'm corny, some think I'm a whore. Whatever you may think, the one thing I hope nobody gets from reading this blog is that I'm perfect. I'm so so far from that. I make mistakes and errors and just do some straight up grimy shyt just like you do.

I do thank God though for bringing people in my life who love me in spite of me. And I also thank him for taking away people from my life who can't deal with me. I wish them all the happiness possible. In everything I've learned to give thanks. It all happens for a reason. No regrets.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Dotted I (I'm Not Perfect)"
by Lil' Mo
from the album "Pain & Paper"
and
"No Regrets"
by Girls Aloud
from their album "Chemistry"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Recently I met this guy online. It wasn't to try to hook up or anything, it was totally platonic. Yes, you can meet people online and not have sex with them, I know it's crazy right? But anyway, I found out that he lives in my neighborhood, not too far from me. We talked a few times online and on the phone and one day we decided to meet up. He had some friends with him and asked if they could come along and I being my congenial self said "Sure, why not? The more the merrier."

I'm not sure why I don't prepare myself better for this. As a person who has been as "friendly" as I have been in the past, slinging their dick all around New York City (I've fucked in all five boroughs, Westchester, Northern New Jersey, and Suffolk County) you'd think I wouldn't be surprised by now to run into someone I had slept with before. Well, you guessed it, when he walked through the door with his friends I realized I had hooked up with one of them. It happened like eight months ago, details were a little fuzzy but I never forget a face. Oh brother, not this again, believe it or not as of late I'd been trying to make attempts to turn my life around and here this dude goes, reminding me of my checkered past (last week would be still considered the past, right?).

Oh no, and don't think that this was one of the good hookups. This was one of those I'm online and horny and I would have never had sex with you otherwise hookups. One of those hookups where after you do it you look in the mirror and silently mouth to yourself "What was that?". The kind where after he left my cat Keisha (Yes, her name is Keisha. I like it when animals have real people names.) rolled her eyes at me in the most disdainful of feline judgment. No offense to him, I'm sure he's a wonderful person, loving son, law abiding citizen, all that, but he wasn't around long enough for me to know any of that, all I knew was that he wasn't my type and that I did it for all the wrong reasons. I hardly ever drink so I couldn't even blame alcohol for what happened.

So we sat there across the room from each other trying our best not to exchange glances. He seemed to be embarrassed at the situation himself, I'm sure for his own reasons. From what I could tell his friends didn't know that we had hooked up and I sure as hell wasn't gonna say anything. As many times as this has happened to me before it's never any less awkward the second, or rather, the forty-second time. Now I wonder will he tell them? Or maybe I totally lucked out and he doesn't remember. Maybe he looked at me so weird because he was attracted to me or something, I don't know?

As bad as these situations are even if became celibate today (stop laughing) it still wouldn't change the past. So I may as well get used to this.

If you liked this post then you'll love this one.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Too Little Too Late"
by JoJo
from the album "The High Road"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 09:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Breakups are kinda like the Emancipation Proclamation. The papers were signed in Washington but it took a while for the news to spread all around the country. History illustrates that this period of uncertainty caused some confusion among the citizens. In the case of my recent breakup with Mr. Man I'm not sure whether everyone got the telegram yet, but some people definitely got it overnight Pony Express.

If a friend or associate of yours tries to get with your ex as soon after you guys break up is that person not a good friend? How long is long enough before it's okay for a friend or associate to try to talk to your ex? Or is it ever okay? I understand where the drama would come from because it seems like your friend was just waiting their turn for you and your ex to break up so they could swoop on in and of course there's the question of whether were they messing around while you were still together? Valid questions, valid concerns...

So far I've been on two sides of this three pronged situation and I personally feel that if an ex is an ex then they're free to do whatever and therefore fair game. But I'm a little more detached and less emotional than most, thus also happier than most.

Ever since Mr. Man and I have broken up and I'm back out and about and online of course my old flames and people who I know have been stepping to the plate tryna holla. But now a few of his people have tried to holla and some of them, judging by their actions, I don't even think have gotten the telegram yet. Of course, wait, actually I should say believe it or not I haven't even entertained their attempts, shutting them down in the most concise and diplomatic of ways.

It's just funny cuz I'm like dayum, who sprayed the roach spray? Where the fuck y'all niggas came from? But I'm the last to judge cuz I've been a juicy ass water bug myself in the past. Like most things in life it is what it is.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"I Tried"
by Total
from the album "Kima, Keisha, & Pam"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
I'm an advocate for online dating. I think it's great. Of course like any other kind of dating you should be careful about meeting strangers and you should be selective of who, when, where, and how long it will take before you are ready to meet somebody. On the other hand everyone is a stranger until you get to know them, right? To me meeting people online much better than getting dressed and going out to a club because it's free and you can do it in the privacy of your own home and talk to as many people as you want to one time and rejection is just a click of a mouse! All their info is on their profile, it's like ordering takeout. This series will focus on some of the not so good experiences I've had with online dating.
Enjoy.
==========

In a temporary lapse of sanity, judgment, thought, reason, and all that is good and right I met someone off the chat line. What the fuck was I thinking? I had a friend who used to do it and being the curious person I am I wanted to try it too. Maybe love was waiting for me out there among the telephone lines. If you are unfamiliar with what a chat line is, it's basically everything that happens online except over the phone and without pictures, unless you employ some sort of medium for photo exchange. But of course most of the people who use the chat line "mysteriously" don't have pictures. Basically it's a haven for ugly, weird people. But I figured I'm on here so there must be someone else normal out there... right?

So I meet this guy, we'll call him Chin Chim Chimney, Chim Chim for short. He sounded good looking over the phone... You know what, that makes no sense whatsoever. I hear people say that dumb shyt all the time and it sounds no more intelligent now that I've said it. I should have known better.

The first day we talked the convo went well. Chim Chim sounded like a cool person. Of course I found a way to show him a picture of me and he liked what he saw. So we decided to meet.

That next day he called me once he got out of the train station so I could direct him to my house. He got to my door and he... he... let's just say he wasn't attractive to me. On top of that he smelled like cigarettes. I HATE cigarettes. I have never smoked a day in my life. Not only did he smell like cigarettes, he reeked of cigarettes, it was like a brown cloud all around him coming from his clothing, his pores, his soul... yuk! He had to GO!

Believe it or not and unfortunately for me I'm not a mean person. As he sat at my table, looking at me in the kitchen I was trying to think of the nicest and quickest way to get rid of this dude. In retrospect I should have just been direct and said 'Yo dude, I'm not feelin' it. Sorry you gotta go.' but I have to admit I was a little gunshy after dealing with Online Dating Horror Story #1 and most importantly I didn't wanna hurt Chim Chim's feelings.

So as I stood in the kitchen making a pitcher of Blue Raspberry Lemonade Kool-Aid occasionally glancing behind me at this him trying to find a redeeming quality as I stood and he sat in awkward silence. Then the stale cigarette smell started wafting toward me prompting me to speed this 'getting-Chim-Chim- the-hell-out-my-house-before-"New-York-Undercover"-comes-on' process along. And I sure as hell was not tryna have my crib smelling like that. Alright Adam think, how are we gonna do this without hurting anyone's feelings?

Then the light bulb came on. Okay so I'm a full top and he's a full bottom. What does a bottom hate more than anything, well most bottoms I know anyway? A sissy ass top. If I just acted real cunt right now maybe he'll be turned off by me and want to leave. I'm also gonna make up some fake event I have to be at in a few hours so I can tell him I need to get ready and have an excuse to make him leave. I'll cover my bases both ways. Hopefully this shyt works. So I pick up my cell phone and call my best friend, 'his ass betta answer this phone', I thought. The convo went something like this:

"Hello"

"Heyyyyy!"
I answered.

"Bitch, what is wrong with you?"

"When is da house meetin'?"
I asked, sounding like a queen, knowing good and dayum well I ain't in nobody's house but my best friend is.

"Adam, what are you talkin' about? There ain't no house meeting tonight."

"Oh aight, tonite, like 12, 12:30? We gon' turn it on the girls!"
I stated, talking over him as he questioned my sanity.

"Gurl, what are you givin'?"

"Bitch what you walkin'? I'm walkin' realness."
I said, upping the anti. I look back at Chim Chim and his expression is priceless. It's a mixture of shocked, disgusted, and over it. This is working. It's time to reel this baby on in.

"Ooh no! Bitch you got a date over there don't you?"
My best friend asks, finaly getting in to what I'm doing here. It's not like we haven't done this kinda thing before.

"Yeah... I'll meet you at the train station on two-fifth."
I said both answering his question and continuing the fake conversation I was having.

"What's wrong? That date look fieeerce don't she?"

"Yes."
I answered.

"Ooh no! Kick her to the the curb Miss Thing."

"I'm trying to..."

"You acting cunt to scare her off Miss Thing?"

"Yesssss hunny!"
I answered cuntly as I have forgotten about keeping in character for the last few responses.

"Ooh no! Gurl I can't take! Go off Miss Adam. Talk to you lata bitch."

"I'll see you lata gurl."

So I turn back to Chim Chim, he's dumbfounded and I'm lovin' it. He is so over me I can feel it. Then he inquired:

"You're in a house?"

"Yeah, I walk schoolboy realness."

I said that in my normal voice trying to pretend like I wasn't just sounding like a straight up queen forty five seconds ago. See I figured that switching back and forth would make things seem more real. Like my queen side was something I tried hide but it only came out when I was caught off guard or talking to another member of my house. Not only was I a queen, but a deceitful queen at that. He's so over me.

"Well I, I gotta go."
Chim Chim said.

"You sure you don't wanna stay for some Kool-Aid?"
I asked, with my back turned from Chim Chim, trying my hardest not to laugh.

"Nah I'm good."

I led him to the door and I was home free. Once he left I had to spray half a can of Renuzit to break up the toxic cloud he left. I sipped on some Kool-Aid and snuggled up with Malik Yoba and Michael DeLorenzo on "New York Undercover". They were much better dates anyway.

So kiddies what have we learned from this experience? One, never, ever, ever call the chat line. Please stay away! Two, don't be afraid to tell someone how you feel. If you ever meet someone and you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it, oh well. You don't owe anyone anything. I'm taking the refresher course on that one. And the best thing to do when meeting someone for the first time is to meet them in a public place. This would have all been much easier if we met in Crown Fried Chicken, in McDonalds, or on the corner or something. I coulda just ran from his ass!

For more insight about online dating including a synopsis of the major black gay "dating" websites check out my post here.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Smoking Cigarettes"
by Tweet
from the album "Southern Hummingbird"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

Yeah...

The Black Web Log Award winners list just came out and unfortunately I, I should say we, didn't win.

Millie Jackson ain't win no Grammy's either but it's all good though. LOL

I'm very happy that a lot of you discovered the blog through it being linked to there and I'm so glad to have you all as readers.

When I started this blog back in February I never would have though it would get as huge as it has become. Lately the hits have been crazy and that's all because of you. It's only gonna get bigger now.

So come log on here and continue to read every day as I will continue to update on a daily-ish basis.

Don't forget to tell your friends about the blog as well.

Thank you for making me a part of your daily reading and more so a part of your lives.

-Adam

But I definitely wanna give a shout out to my boy Steven, the Queer Kid Of Color for his win for Best Teen Blog. He's one of the first people to recognize my talent and link me from his blog (eventhough I don't see my link on the right hand side anymore). Check out his blog here.

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 07:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
Pictures:
A photo from the Millie Jackson "Back To The Shit" album cover photo shoot.
My homage to Millie Jackson taken in February 2007.
Millie Jackson's iconic "Back To The Shit" album cover.
==========

.....

**Background singers repeating** "Whooo-o-o-o, Whooo-o-o-o..."

"Due to the fact that there are... some people
Like the lady over there say she was...
Who thinks I'm dirty...
I really couldn't give a shit, but.
'Cuz y'all buy my records... um hummm.
Them same ones be talkin' 'bout I'm dirty...
Be buyin' my shit and hidin' it."

-Millie Jackson
from the "Phuck U Symphony"

Monday night I was talking to Joey Bahamas, a blogging buddy of mine, author of The Rake N' Scrape Chronicles (click here to check out his blog) and I told him that as controversial as people think my blog is (because it's really not so controversial to me) I've never gotten much negative feedback about it. All I get are people giving kudos and saying how wonderful it is and how it has helped them become more comfortable with themselves being young and gay. Well Joey, I spoke too soon.

After I got off the phone with Joey I went back to my laptop. I was looking at post I left for my home girl Angie, the moderator of the Official Janet Jackson Message Board, with a link to the blog. In the thread someone questioned whether I should divulge so many intimate details of my life. This was my response to that person:

"I'm a very open person about my life.
Each of my blog posts has a lesson attached to it.
And believe it or not it helps people.
Especially gays who are ashamed of their lifestyle.
I get emails about it all the time.
That's why I do what I do."

A few replies down someone else chimed in with this sentiment, aimed at me:

"Dirty gays only apply [their] life to yours because it is quite similar!
And gays who are ashamed of their lifestyle couldn't learn anything from you I'm sure!
There are a lot more positive "real" examples to learn from."

Wow, so they think I'm dirty... After I responded and read that queen like the New York Post my mind jumped right to Millie Jackson. I felt so akin to her at that moment. Then I remembered that spoken word intro to "Phuck U Symphony" and the picture I had taken of me back in February, it was fate. Like Millie I was being called dirty for just keeping it real and talking about my own life. Mindin' my own dayum business.

Millie Jackson is a very underrated soul singer who released most of her albums during the 60's, 70's, and 80's. While people like Diana Ross, Patti Labelle, and Aretha Franklin were hitting it big on the R&B and pop charts much of Millie Jackson's brand of soul music mixed satirical stand up comedy-ish spoken word interludes (like the one I began this post with) about life, relationships and sex were a little too raw to be fully accepted by pop audiences. Her realness often kept her songs, with a few exceptions, under the radar. You may remember one of her few TV appearances as Florine, Martin's mother's friend in a Thanksgiving episode of the Fox sitcom "Martin", (season 3, episode 11, aired on November 24th, 1994). The highlight of her appearance was her performance of "Pass The Peas Like We Used To Do" with Martin's mother (played by Martin Lawrence) and Pam (played by Tichina Arnold).

Even though people often said that her music was dirty and raunchy. Millie Jackson never let what people said change her, often the adversity would make her come back harder. In the midst of performing songs such as "A Child Of God (It's Hard To Believe)", "If Loving You Is Wrong I Don't Want To Be Right", "If You're Not Back In Love By Monday", "A Little Taste Of Outside Love", "Never Change Lovers In The Middle Of The Night", and "Phuck U Symphony" her spoken word interludes often reflected what was going on in her life. She pulled no punches and was no stranger to openly talking about sex or using profanity. There would be no Lil' Kim without Millie Jackson, Kim actually sampled the spoken word piece from the top of this blog post in her song "Durty" from her last album "The Naked Truth".I'm not even sure why someone call me "dirty", why? Because I talk about sex, something that we all do (well, maybe not that person), something is as natural to human beings as breathing air and drinking water. Society and religion has brainwashed us into thinking that sex is dirty and that even our sex organs, our dicks and pussies or penises and vaginae, if you will, are dirty and don't let me get started on the gay thing...

Like Millie Jackson I tell the stories of my life with humor and candor with the purpose of entertaining and informing my audience. I don't write about sex in an effort to titillate, any mention of sex in my blog is because it was an integral part of the story I'm trying to tell and of the message I'm trying to convey. We're all adults here, we've read the disclaimer in big red letters at the upper left corner of the page. A little sex should be such a shock. It's a part of life, grow the hell up and accept it.

My greatest satisfaction comes from the comments and the emails from people who enjoy the blog and those who tell me that it has helped them. People leave here feeling better about themselves and life in general whether gay or straight because they know that somebody is going through some of the same things they're going through. They can avoid some of the pitfalls and drama I've been through by reading about what I did and doing the opposite. And while most people aren't as vocal about their lives as I am I'm sure that some of you have stories that make mine look like child's play. Every generation has it's story tellers and I'm proud to be one of them.

If you hate me so much lemme tell you what you should do... Ya ready? Ya listening? STOP FUCKIN' COMING HERE! The worse thing you can do to a web blogger is just to make the personal decision not read his blog. You can't tell other people not to read it 'cuz that's gonna make them only want to read it even more, you'd only be doing free promotion for me and why would you want to do that? But the funny thing about haters is that as much as they'll try to go away they can't stay away. For this hater to even make such a half-assed assessment of me would take reading a few of the more sex related entries (because they're not ALL about sex). So continue to read my blog and hide it, I won't tell if you won't.

If you wanna hear me go off on another hater read this post.

LINKS:
- Millie Jackson's Official Website & Record Label: Weird Wreckuds

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Phuck U Symphony"
by Millie Jackson
from the album "Totally Unrestricted! The Millie Jackson Anthology"
and
"Durty"
by Lil' Kim
from the album "The Naked Truth"
and
"Dirrty"
by Christina Aguilera
from the album "Stripped"
and
"Still Dirrty"
by Christina Aguilera
from the album "Back To Basics"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
With this post I'm christening a new category on the blog entitled: Online Dating Horror Stories.

I'm an advocate for online dating. I think it's great. Of course like any other kind of dating you should be careful about meeting strangers and you should be selective of who, when, where, and how long it will take before you are ready to meet somebody. On the other hand everyone is a stranger until you get to know them, right? To me meeting people online much better than getting dressed and going out to a club because it's free and you can do it in the privacy of your own home and talk to as many people as you want to one time and rejection is just a click of a mouse! All their info is on their profile, it's like ordering takeout. This series will focus on some of the not so good experiences I've had with online dating.
Enjoy.
==========

I was online late one night talking to this dude. It was winter time and dumb cold outside. He seemed really nice and the conversation via IM was going well. We talked on the phone for a while. During that conversation we were talking about our lives, current events, etc., etc. He had mentioned that his friend tried out for a TV show a few weeks prior. The tryouts for that particular TV show were held at the hotel I was working at at the time. I mentioned that to him and we laughed at the coincidence and at how small the world is.

He had seen pictures of me on my online profile. I am very thorough about that. In fact I have never been rejected by someone I met online before. It's not necessarily because I'm so fine, it's because I always have very recent and clear pictures of myself. What you see is what you get here, no surprises.

This guy, we'll call him... hmmm... I wanna call him something that's not gonna give away the rest of the story... how about Crazy Terrorist Monster? We'll call him Crazy Terrorist Monster, CTM for short. CTM, unfortunately had no pictures online and you know that that means: UGLY ALERT! UGLY ALERT! There's no reason for anyone nowadays with all this technology we have not to have a picture ready for email. I knew better that to even be thinking about meeting him sight unseen but against my better judgment, (when meeting someone online NEVER go against your better judgment) I entertained the possibility.

Like I said, it was real, real late at night and even though he didn't live that far from me it was brick ass cold and he still didn't mind traveling. That's usually not necessarily a good sign. I leveled with him. I told him:

"Look CTM, I don't know what you look like, you could look like a monster or something so I can't promise that anything romantic will happen between us. But you seem mad cool so if you come no matter what I will at least let you stay over until the morning."

I actually had to wake up for work in a few short hours, I don't know what my ass was doing up that late anyway. Anyway he agreed to my disclaimer and proceeded to make his way over. I did my usual first date sleepover ritual of removing the knives from my magnetic metal bar on the wall in the kitchen. With those knives out there in plain sight I didn't want anybody to get any ideas. He seemed cool but is ass could still be crazy and I had no picture of him to show the cops.

He arrived, I came to the door and he was indeed a monster. I can't remember what he looked liked as I didn't stare directly into his face. All I knew was that he was a mess and I was over it that I had stayed up this late talking to his ass. Now I was ready to go to sleep. Once he came in we said about fifteen words to each other before I was ready for bed. So we went to sleep. I even gave in to him trying to grind his ass all up on me and spoon with me, whatever, as long as I didn't have to see his face.

I woke up a few hours later and got dressed and ready for work with the quickness. It definitely wasn't a love connection. After a silent walk to the train station I went down the stairs and he continued up the street. We parted with a dry "Later." Knowing good and dayum well we'd never speak to each other again, or so I thought.

After struggling through work, tired and bitchy I got home and got back online checking my favorite message boards and my emails and doing my regular stuff. Then I got an instant message, it was CTM. It said:

"How was work?"

I'm thinking 'why is this dude hittin' me up?' There was obviously nothing between us. So I just ignored it. When I checked my messages on the website that we met on I see he left me something there too. I'm thinking 'Was he not here last night? Why is he still talking to me?' So, not feeling up to having a whole discussion with him about it I ignored his message there as well. I take a nap and a few hours go by and I'm just chillin', doin' me when I receive another instant message from him. It went something like this:

"Oh so it's like that bitch! You just gonna ignore me. Aight I got you. That's why I'm come to your job tomorrow at the John Doe Plaza Hotel and get you fired!"

I read that shyt like fifteen times just so I could believe it, I had to let that shyt sink in. So I guess his ass gon' come to my job and start a scene. And how the fuck do this crazy bitch know where I work? Then it came back to me, oh fuck, that conversation we had about the TV show, that crazy, detail remembering, psychotic ass bitch. Shyt, what the fuck was I gonna do? Surely this could be an idle threat but I cannot run the risk of this psychopath starting some silly shyt at my job. Even if I beat him down I'm still getting fired and I cant even take it outside. If ya ass is caught fighting in the middle of Midtown Manhattan NYPD is lockin' yo ass up. Dayum, I knew I shoulda never let his ass come over. What am I gonna do. Then the phone calls started:

"Hello."

I say, knowing it's CTM crazy ass calling from a private number. This is why I don't answer private calls to this day.

"Bitch!"

Then he hangs up. It happened again a few more times. After the second time I just stopped answering the phone. Okay Adam, breathe. We (like I'm two people) gotta figure this shyt out. I tried to call him back, he wouldn't answer. I tried to hit him up on the website, he blocked me. I tried to hit him up via IM, he blocked me there too. So I signed onto IM using another screen name and I saw that he was online. I left him this message:

"I really hope that's not you sending me threatening messages and playing on my phone. I just wanted to let you know that I just got finished talking to the director of security at the John Doe Plaza Hotel and I emailed him your little threat. Hotels are considered big terrorist targets nowadays and your threat is being taken very seriously. I gave him your description and if you are seen on the premises you will be removed and handed over to the proper authorities. And I may not know what blocked number you called me from but the phone company does and so do the police."

Suddenly the calls stopped. I totally bullshitted my way out of that situation, I didn't talk to anyone or email anything, I made all that shyt up. I have to admit though that shyt was hot. I guess if I really emailed the hotel and talked to the director of security that that's the kind of action that they would take. After I sent the message and the calls stopped, I slept much better that night. I had successfully diffused the situation.

I have to admit the next day at work I did keep an eye open for his crazy ass, he never showed and I never heard from him again.

For more insight about online dating including a synopsis of the major black gay "dating" websites check out my post here.

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Playing In The Background...
"Crazy"
by Gnarls Barkley
from the album "St. Elsewhere"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 04:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

"A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."
-James 1:8 (KJV)

I will not date another church boy. I don't care how fine he is, or how smart he is, or how sexy he is to me I just cannot do it, they're all bipolar and crazy. I grew up in Pentecostal church all my life, I know all about the fire and the brimstone, the weeping and gnashing of teeth, etc, etc, etc. Their whole doctrine, as most religious doctrines are, of course is diametrically opposed to my being gay and use fear of hell, fear of the Lord, fear of death, fear of ones shadow, etc., whatever it takes to keep it's followers in line. As a grown up I have discovered that God is not a sadist who enjoys the smell of burning flesh in the morning. I've also learned that anything rooted in fear is opposed to love and the Bible says:

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
-1John 4:18 (KJV)

Now please don't think because I may quote a scripture here and there that I'm some type of preacher or theologian because I'm so not. I just think that the Bible has a lot of great principles in it once you get past all the war and hateful stuff, but I digress. So what exactly is a church boy, you ask. Let me give you my definition:

church boy - A gay male who attends a Christian church whose doctrine opposes his gay lifestyle. He is usually an active member of that church serving in the capacities of pulpit and/or music ministries. He is not open about his gay lifestyle to members of his church and consequently lives a double life. He believes that homosexuality is a sin and in an effort to excuse his behavior he will often say that his homosexuality is a temporary condition and that someday he plans on marrying a woman even though he usually doesn't have much experience dating women.

Sounds pretty crazy don't it? Church boys as a result of their religious teaching that homosexuality is wrong usually have shame issues and are unable to maintain a relationship with a gay man such as myself. One day everything's all lovey dovey, the next day they feel like what they're doing is wrong and they push away from you. Yeah, bipolar and double minded like I said. I've been in a few of these situations before. Now I steer clear of a church boy. I have no problem with God or Jesus, it's the church folk that's crazy.

It reminds me of this dude I used to date, let's call him Calvin. One night we were at my house and we were online. Calvin goes to this website that showed pictures of different outfits for wedding parties. He seemed to be really into it. Keep in mind that Calvin wasn't the hardest rock in the quarry. As we look at the pictures he says to me:

"I wanna get married someday."

"Oh for real, to a woman?"

I asked, kinda shocked 'cuz he was so fem. I really couldn't see him with a woman. And now that I think about it that was a kinda effed up thing to say to me as we were dating at the time and I never knew before that moment that that was how he felt. It's like saying 'yeah I like you and everything but when I get this homo monkey off my back I'm gonna dump you and get married to a woman'. Well thanks Calvin, there goes our future.

"Yeah, and I want her dress to look like this and I want the bridal party to wear this and I wanna pick the colors..."

He said as he pointed to the pictures on the computer screen, sounding like a true queen.

"Ummm Calvin... that's the bride's job. It's her day, it's her wedding. She's gonna pick her own dress.."

It seemed to me like Calvin wanted to be a wedding coordinator more than he wanted to be a groom.

There's always this overwhelming self hatred thing with them. I guess a lot of it gets reinforced through what they're taught in church. I've heard pastors and preachers actually call gay men faggots in the pulpit. And what's crazy is that many of them are overgrown "church boys" themselves living on the DL (or not so much on the DL cuz they usually ain't foolin' nobody).

My main issue with the whole thing is why even bother? If being gay is so wretched and terrible then why do it? It's not as though we need anybody else on our team. We're good. We have enough perfectly screwed up queens already to have to deal with your church girl bipolar issues. I even asked a friend of my friend who's gay and thought that being gay was a sin why he even bothered doing it. He looked at me bewildered, like I was speaking Greek.

I personally don't feel like homosexuality is a sin, I absolutely don't. As much as I prayed and cried and cried and prayed and cried in my teenage years "Oh Jesus take it away," if it was so horrible it woulda been gone by now. I am the way I am for a reason and I'm happy, damn happy! The only reason why I wanted to change back then was for acceptance from other people. God loves me just like he loves anyone else and I'm not abominable either. Snowmen are abominable, I'm Adam and I'm fine. I was a church boy at one time myself until one day it just clicked for me and I let go of all the religious rhetoric and started living my life and I'm so glad for it.

I actually feel sorry for the church boys. Living a double life ain't easy, especially with all that lying you have to do to maintain it (which is also a sin by the way). I wish them the best and hope that they find true happiness on either side of the fence. And if staying away from me or anyone or anything else gay is the way to do that, by all means, do it. I am definitely not the advocate for turning people out. If you feel like you're straight and that being gay is sinful and wrong then by all means please go and be straight! Emphasis on the word GO!

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Playing In The Background...
"Go"
by Tamia
from the album "A Nu Day"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

Happy Labor Day everyone. How are you celebrating? Are you at the beach or at a barbecue enjoying the last official weekend of summer? Well I hope you're having fun because I am at work laboring right now. Yipee! But anyway I had a story to tell...

My ex boyfriend and I, Mr. Man (as I have recently have named him) met up on Saturday to discuss some business as we work on various projects together. After the breakup I told him that I wanted to remain friends. And I mean that for real, for real, not just as some bullshyt to say to soften the blow. As I talk to more and more of my friends I'm learning that for most people that isn't an easy feat. But I don't think of it as a big deal. I'm amicable with like 95% of my exes (read more about that in this post). Maybe I'm just different.

After he called me on Saturday morning to reconfirm our meeting that afternoon I ended up calling him back to tell him about the new Britney Spears song ("Gimme More"). We are both music freaks! At the end of that conversation he said:

"You are just gonna be my friend aren't you?"

He said it in a tone that said that 'I was really gonna continue to speak to him like I normally even though we just went through the weirdness of a break up', I wasn't bullshitting. To that I give a resounding yes! For me breakups don't have to be all weird and crazy. We're both adults, the past is the past, let's just pick up the pieces and move on. It's how I deal with things. I was talking to a friend about this kinda thing yesterday and he told me as a few people have that he wishes he could be more like me in that regard. Honestly, I don't feel as though I'm doing anything special. I just refuse to waste time on feeling weird and avoidance and all that mess that goes along with a break up. Life is way too short and precious for that.

We even got into a discussion about out Friday night dates which went well for the both of us. We compared notes and laughed about it like friends, how we were in the first place before mushiness and relationshippy shyt came along and complicated things. It's weird but I feel like Mr. Man is way too important to me to be of a romantic interest. I tend to place much more value on friends than boyfriends and dates. Dates are cool, sex is great but it's here today, gone tomorrow. I have much better and longer lasting relationships with my friends. Even though it won't be easiest thing in the world (for normal people more than for me) I'm glad were friends today. Hopefully that can continue tomorrow and the day after that. We'll take it one day at a time.

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Playing in The Background...
"Free/Sail On"
by Chante Moore
from the album "A Love Supreme"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 07:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

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Britney Spears on the cover of the September 2007 Allure Magazine
==========

On the train coming from downtown with Mr. CancelCancel Friday night I read in the NY Daily News about Britney Spears' comeback single "Gimme More"(produced by Danjahands). It's creating controversy due to the fact that the song starts of with Britney dryly saying "It's Britney, bitch" right before the beat drops. Because I have always loved me some Britney early Saturday morning I scoured the internet looking for the song that was generating all this buzz.

I was in love with it from the first beat. It's raw, it's sexy, it's gonna burn in the clubs (the white clubs anyway, all black gay clubs play is the same homophobic, misogynistic wack rap shyt, or "Freakum Dress" or "Get Me Bodied" that's one of the reasons why I don't like them). There is also a remix of the song featuring rapper T.I. The whole rebellious vibe of it gives a big "fuck you" to the media that has been relentlessly chronicling all of Britney's troubles over the past year. The song which on the surface is about dirty dancing with a suitor while the crowds and paparazzi are watching gave me a much deeper understanding of how Britney is feeling right now. "It's Britney, bitch" she's back and she's commanding respect! I love it! I'm so glad she decided to come back strong and brazen rather than weak or passive. She learned something from Madonna. Nothing makes people forget about how effed up your life is like a hot ass song. The album, which hasn't been titled as of yet is rumored to be releasing on November 13th.

You can listen to the song here courtesy of celebrity web blogger Perez Hilton:
Britney Spears "Gimme More"

If you want your own MP3 of "Gimme More", the original and the remix featuring T.I. just do a Google Search, it's all over the place. It would post it up here but I ain't tryna go to jail.

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Playing In The Background...
"Gimme More (remix)" feat. T.I.
by Britney Spears
from her not yet titled upcoming album
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 07:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

I finally went out on a date last Friday with Mr. CancelCancel (I call him that because he had canceled on me twice earlier that week). I met him downtown about 25 minutes late because I couldn't find anything to wear. I'm unfortunately one of those people who has a closet full of clothes but yet can never find anything to wear. I was already late getting home to change clothes for the date because had been running errands all day. And you know how in your mind you have planned out what shirt, jeans, sneakers, belt, fitted you are gonna put on but when you actually put it together it doesn't look right. Yeah, it was one of those days.

This was my first date as a newly single person, I was kinda rusty at this and I wanted it to go well, CancelCancel and I had been corresponding all that week and we were both kinda excited about last Friday. This expectancy also put more pressure on me. I wanted to look good. In an effort not to be too too late I put on one of my tried-and-true-I-know-it-looks-good outfits on and hurried out the door.

CancelCancel had just finished work when I met him and even though I got a text from him giving a disclaimer about his appearance he looked great. He was definitely my type too, 5'8-5'9. about 145 lbs,  a little lighter than me (that doesn't matter so much though), smart, kinda goofy/nerdy the same way I am. That's so sexy to me, he was sexy to me.

Because of my tardiness we missed the showing of "Superbad" that we planned to see so we decided on the showing an hour later which gave us about 45 minutes to play with. We walked to the movie theatre and on the line I looked behind me and saw him taking money from his wallet to buy his ticket. When I reached the box office window before him I took out my debit card and bought both tickets. When we were walking away from the box office he turned to me to give me his money. I looked at him and motioned for him to put away his money as to say 'your money's no good here shawty, Big Daddy got this." Then he said, "Alright then, I'll pay for your popcorn." Good move CancelCancel, nobody likes a gold digger.

So we went to the park and sat on a bench over looking the Hudson River and talked. I wanted to kiss him but with the whole gay thing I wasn't sure how comfortable he would be with kissing in public. There weren't that many people near us, maybe about five or six in a thirty foot radius, mostly couples definitely too busy gettin' their own respective freaks on to be all up in our business. As I get older I care less and less about such things. I wouldn't wantonly tongue CancelCancel down in public, I don't even like it when straight people do that. All I wanted was a light peck or two, or eight. But not knowing how he would react to it I decided against it.

As we made our way into the movie theatre I thought about how many times I had gotten my dick sucked in movie theatres back in the day all the movies that ended up watching me insead of me watching them. Out of sheer force of habit I scanned the empty theatre seats for the coveted back corner pair of seats. You can get away with anything over there. Now that I have my own place I don't do things like that anymore but when you're young and living at home and too broke to get a hotel room you gotta find some way to get your freak on. After shaking myself back into my present reality we found some seats in the back but in the middle of the theatre. I wanted to actually watch this movie.

"Superbad" was good. It was made by the same people who did "Knocked Up" (the funniest movie I have ever seen before in my life, read more about it in my blog post here), that's why I was so anxious to see it. It was funny but it was no "Knocked Up", but I definitely recommend it.

I lifted up the armrest partition that separated us so that I could rest my head on his shoulder. All during the movie our hands would touch and squeeze each other as an exercise of our sexual tension and the mutual infatuation we were developing for one another. About halfway into the movie I grabbed him softly by the chin and kissed him, there were some fireworks there. Then a little later I kissed him again. Toward the end of the movie his hands were searching the crotch of my jeans feeling for my dick, which was already hardening against my left leg. I then adjusted it so he could get a better feel of it. He rested his hand there. Soon after, the lights came up and we left the movie theatre.

Being full on $22 worth of nachos, liquid cheese and a gallon of soda we decided to skip the dinner we planned. As we walked from the theatre toward the train station I didn't want the night to end and I dayum sure wanted to kiss him again. So I nervously asked:

"Do you wanna go back to my place?"

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Playing In The Background...
"My First Night With You"
by Mya
from the album "Mya"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 06:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

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I was talking to someone Saturday night who had read the now infamous "I Really Am A Bottom I KNOW I Am..." post. He told me that thoroughly enjoyed it and that led to us having a conversation about the roles of tops and bottoms and what my preferences are. We also touched on the subject of respect for people's sexual boundaries. It reminded me of this experience.
Enjoy.
I've also included this in the Online Dating Horror Stories category.
==========

I am a top. I am, I am, I just am. I lost my virginity (actually I know exactly where I put it) as a top. Out of curiosity I tried the bottom thing. I figured when I'm fucking the other person is having such a good time I wanted to be a part of the fun! That is until it happened (that's a whole 'nother blog post). I felt like Whitney Houston in "Waiting To Exhale" ("grrr huh...?" my body didn't need that) and like Lela Rochon "I coulda had a V8." After that first time any subsequent attempts (which were few, far between, and never more than ten minutes) were out of me 'really liking a guy,' but even that got really old, really quick. So now I'm like a force field, I'm impenetrable. I've gotten to the point in my life now that I am what I am and whoever doesn't like it can suck my dick... literally. The whole getting fucked thing, nothing wrong with it, it's great for other people, but not for me. 

I was online one night and this dude hit me up. He said that I had given him my number before but that he never called. I honestly could not place him at all. From the picture I saw of him online he was cute-ish. I've learned not to trust just one picture anyway. It takes a dayum photo shoot to gain my confidence. But anyway we started talking back and forth exchanging pleasantries, yadda, yadda, yadda. Then he asks me whether I liked threesomes. I told him that I had engaged in them before. Then he mentioned something about getting together with a bottom. I asked him whether he was a top. He said "yeah". I was wondering 'how in the hell did he slip through the cracks?'

I make it a practice not to date or even entertain the idea of a romantic relationship with a fellow top. Why? Why? I'll tell you why... because it's pointless. There's no point in wasting time dating and getting to know someone knowing that there's only but so far you can go. But I don't mind being friends with one.

He hit me back up online and said to call him in ten minutes. I thought to myself 'what the fuck am I gonna call you for?' so I didn't. After a while he called and we talked a little further. All during the conversation he is trying to convince me that I should at least sixty-nine with him. All the while I'm hitting him with a barrage of him "no's", "I'm good's" and "Nah, I don't get down like that's". He didn't seem to be taking no for an answer. You see why I don't mess with tops? The conversation ended soon after.

Then he texts me and asks where in Harlem do I live because he may be in the area. 'Hmmm, should I give him my address?' I thought. As much as his top advances irritated me I have to admit I was intrigued. A part of me wanted to see what he looked like, so against my better judgment I told him what corner I lived off of, not really expecting him to come anyway. Then he texted me and told me that he'd be at my house in 30 minutes. I expected to meet him and have him chill for a minute. I wasn't trying to do anything sexually with him. I made that clear over the phone and I wasn't tryna stay up half the night, I had work the next day.

In the interim he sent me a text that went something like this:

"Get that dick and hole lubed up shawty"

What the fuck? Didn't I tell this nigga I'm not tryna do nothin' with him and if I were to do something it sure as hell wont involve any holes of mine. So I text back:

"Nigga u ain't doin' shyt with my hole! Yo, I told you I don't get down like that."

"Love u 2 shawty... stop bitchin'... see u in a few."

Oh, this nigga is tryna pull some ol' Big Daddy game shyt on me. Doesn't he know I invented that shyt? A part of me regretted this and wanted to just leave his ass downstairs and not answer the phone when he calls me. This is a big building, he doesn't know what apartment I'm in, he doesn't even know what I look like besides the pictures he saw. It's not like I haven't done the shyt before. The other part of me wanted to cuss his ass out. Who the fuck was he calling "shawty"? I ain't ya dayum "shawty" nigga! Don't try to pull that bitch shyt on me...

So he came and needless to say I let him in. Robo-Munchkin (that's the name I'm giving him, Robo because we met on online, Munchkin because he was short) was cute-ish, and about 5'8, 140 lbs. I answered the door giving my world famous sexy, ready for bed look. I came to the door in basketball shorts with no shirt on. I was gonna tease this nigga. I wasn't planning on getting no ass from him so I was gonna have a little fun. I'm usually not a game player but I felt frisky that night. He looked at me, he liked what he saw. But he was cool. I guess he was tryna feel me out. From his conversation I could tell he thought he was the shyt because he had a car and some jewelry and some bird ass nigga woulda probably fell for his shyt. But not I, I'm A. Benjamin Irby, nigga ask about me.

So I'm laying on my bed watching TV, he's sitting up. I hear his shoes hit the floor. Ain't nobody ask him to take off his dayum shoes. Robo-Munchkin lies down next to me and as were having small talk he slides his right arm under my lower back with his fingertips inching toward my ass. I bust out laughing.

"Nigga, what the fuck are you doing?
I ask, laughing but dead serious at the same time.

"I'm just tryna..."

"Nigga get ya hand off my ass I told you I don't get down like that! So you didn't think I was serious, huh? I told you that I'm a strict top and that I wasn't tryna do nothing with you. What you thought you were gonna come here, I was gonna see you and just change my mind?"
I looked at him and I could tell even without him saying a word that that's exactly what he thought.
"It don't work like that, not with me."

So we talked a little while longer. Then he said:

"C'mere..." in his pseudo-Big Daddy voice.

I rolled my eyes as I slid over wondering what he trick he was gonna pull next. Then he started ravenously sucking my neck. I started laughing. I said:

"Nigga, what are you doing?"

"Relax."
He said with a slight tinge of frustration in his voice. He was a persistent little munchkin.

"Don't get no hickies on my neck nigga."
I said as he began to suck harder.

Then he put my hand on his crotch in an effort to feel his hardening dick through his jeans. I wasn't impressed. He put his hand in my basketball shorts to feel my flaccid dick. This was all doing nothing for me and now this game I was playing started getting boring. I was so over this. I looked at the clock by the TV trying to calculate how many hours of sleep I would get before work once I got him the hell outta here. Then he asked:

"You got any porns?"

'Porns,' I thought, 'who the fuck says porns?' What kinda word is that? I've heard of porno or pornography, but porns. Even the way his ass talked started to annoy me. He had to go. Obviously he wanted us to jerk off together. Why the fuck would I waste a perfectly good nutt doing this shyt? But whatever got him out of my hair the fastest. So I turn the movie on, I turn around and he's naked. I see Robo-Munchkin wastes no time.

I wondered, just like you are what homeboy was packin'. He was talkin' all this Big Daddy top killer shyt (A top killer/slayer is a top that is just so hot or has so much swagger that he can get other tops to let him beat. I've killed quite a few tops in my day.) that I'm expecting to see an anaconda. People say that in a top/top situation deciding who is gonna top was a matter of who had the bigger dick, bigger dick wins. Needless to say, he lost. I can't believe that Robo-Munchkin really thought I was really gonna let his munchkin ass climb on my back.

So we jerked off. He wanted to do it in a sixty-nine-like position. I don't know why cuz I sure as hell wasn't sucking his dick. He was hard, I was hard-ish. He put my hand on my dick as though I was supposed to jerk him off while his finger was inching toward my asshole. I asked yet again:

"Nigga, what the fuck are you doing?

"Oh, oh my bad."

"So you not gonna lick it for me?"

"Hell no."

"A little bit, just the head?"

"No."

"If you suck mine, I'll suck yours."

"Nah, I'm good" I said as I jerked my semi flaccid dick.

Since he's been here, being in this position was the first time I looked him square in the face. He really wasn't bad looking at all. He was attractive. He kissed me and that really wasn't bad. I would have at least jerked the nigga off if he wasn't such an asshole. He annoyed me so much by that time with his pseudo-Big Daddy bullshyt that all his cute points had gone out the window. Then he motioned his dick toward my face in a last ditch effort to get me to suck it. I said:

"If you want that thing I suggest you get it outta my face."

By then I think he finally got that I meant business.

He came first and few moments later I managed to muster up a nutt from my erect-ish dick. We went into my bathroom to clean up when he made some comment about my ass being fat. He had to go. I rushed his munchkin ass out my crib to never see him again.

Why did he text me the next day talkin' about "Sup homie." Is he serious? Hopefully our meeting taught him a lesson in learning to respect other people's sexual boundaries. I learned that I'm way too old to be playing games and teaching lessons. I don't have nearly enough patience for that shyt.

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Playing In The Background...
"Big Munny"
by Swizz Beatz
from the album "One Man Band Man"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 04:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (0)

Hey,

I know, I know, I skipped a day yesterday and then it's almost 5pm (-5) today. It's been a crazy weekend and of course you will get all the gory details tomorrow. I went out on a date with the guy who kept canceling on me. We gotta get a name for him, we'll call him Mr. CancelCancel (since he canceled on me twice). We went to the movies and saw "Superbad." It was funny, but not as funny as  "Knocked Up" (the funniest movie I have ever seen in my life, read the blog post I wrote about it here). Me and my ex, the most recent one (read about it here), I gotta get a name for him too, we'll call him Mr. Man, met up this weekend to discuss some business and we ended up exchanging stories about our Friday night dates, that was interesting. And I have a memory lane story for y'all too.

I also wanna thank everybody for voting for the blog for the Black Web Log Awards. The results will be announced on Wednesday, September 5th. Hopefully I win something. And as always all of your emails and comments are more than welcome. Thank you for those.

And last but not least Britney is back! I heard her new single "Gimme More" and I love it! I'll talk more about that too.

All on the morrow.

-Adam

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Playing In The Background...
"Velvet"
by Fergie
from the album "The Dutchess"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 05:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)