All Alone On A Friday Night... aka I'm Enough

It's Saturday morning. I just woke up to face this another beautiful day God has given me, alone. I didn't go out last night. I didn't invite anybody over. It was just me, my cat, Keisha (yes, that's her name) a Banquet (microwaveable TV) dinner and Queen Latifah's and J.Lo's new albums (which are both amazing by the way) playing in the background. Sounds pitiful doesn't it? Then why the hell am I so happy? Because somewhere between 11 and 12 I realized that I'm enough.

If this were a few weeks ago I would have been online half the night looking for someone to come over. Remember last week, I deleted all of my internet dating/sex site accounts (read about that in this post) so that's not even a possibility tonight as this is my first Friday night home alone without them and I'm actually really glad about that. Why can't I spend a Friday night alone in my apartment, just me and my cat? Why do I have to feel less than? Why do I need someone to come over and lay next to me, to have sex with me, to make me feel validated?

It's not as though I'm not dating or anything, I've seen Pubby this week, we went out. I cooked him dinner the other night, we had fun. Why wouldn't that have been enough for me? Why do I need to have someone with me 24/7 to make me feel like I'm important? I used to plan my life out making sure to not have a night alone, especially if I was off work. I realize that the only reason why I did that is because I was trying to distract myself from, well, me. It's those times when we're alone that we come face to face with who we really are and I didn't like who I was or rather what I'd become and therefore I avoided being alone with me at all costs.

I remember nights alone in my apartment online logged into three dating sites at once, jumping at my computer at the mere sight of someone sending me a message. Could he be the one? Could he be the one to come over here and make me feel better about myself? Could he be the one who I make scream my name tonight so I could feel like a big strong virile man instead of the weak little faggot they said I was back when I was in school? Could he be the one to tell me I look good instead of smiling in my face and laughing about my bad acne behind my back like people used to do? It's when you're alone that all the issues you've swept under the rug start creeping out. But like the monsters under my bed and in my closet that scared me as a child these issues are mostly mental and won't go away unless confronted. The longer we allow ourselves to be scared to face the past, the larger and scarier we let it become until it takes totally over our lives. From there it can even manifest itself into a substance abuse problem or even clinical insanity.

And God forbid if for whatever reason I didn't get any messages online. I used to try my hardest to tear myself away from my computer. I would have a million things I have to do but somehow I'd find myself back by my computer, checking that number in the top left hand corner every few minutes. Logging out and logging back in so I could get myself back to the top of that "online now" list. Maybe there's someone who hasn't seen me? Maybe he's the one? Every time I would see that number, "0" messages, that's exactly how I would feel, like zero, worthless. I equated my worth with how much attention I would get from  people online and off. No attention, no compliments, no worth. There were quite a few times when somebody would hit me up and even though they were someone I would never be seen with in the light of day I let them come over and fucked them in the dark of night. I just needed someone, anyone even if it weren't real. So many times in the middle of sex I'd be wondering why the fuck I'm even doing this shit. Why was I not asleep, knowing I had to wake up for work in a few short hours? But I was in it now, literally. I'm a top, I have to perform. That's what they came for. I'd close my eyes and imagine it were someone else. They'd cum, sometimes even I would cum. And then they were gone. There were many nights that I got little, sometimes even no sleep before work because I was online all night looking for validation.

Oh, and if someone I sent a message to didn't send one right back. Then the foundation on which I built my whole pseudo-self confidence was shaken. Why didn't he hit me back? Did he get the message? Maybe he didn't? Lemme check, it was sent, he didn't reply. Why? At that moment all of my flaws, real and imaginary, became magnified and depression set in. What's wrong with me? Am I ugly? What was wrong with me was nothing anyone on the other side of a computer could see. I failed to realize that maybe that person may have not been ready to answer my message yet, or maybe they were still checking my page out, or maybe they were logged off and the server was still showing that they were online, or maybe they were away from their computer but my ego was already too bruised to consider such logic. And even if they weren't interested in me, so what? People have the right to like who they like, you'd think I'd understand that as many people as I have rejected online and off. But as usual, in true human form we can dish it out but we can't take it. On a side note, even in rejection, be nice because what goes around comes around.

So I spent last night alone, in my house enjoying the sight of all the things I've worked so hard for, rejoicing in the fact that I really am okay and good-looking too and that I don't need to have someone else here to tell me that. Being by myself on a Friday night was so much easier than I thought. There was literally nothing to it but to do it. Having someone around is good but if not, I'm enough.

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Playing In The Background...
"Georgia Rose"
by Queen Latifah feat. Stevie Wonder
from the album "Trav'lin' Light"
and
"Brave"
by Jennifer Lopez
from the album "Brave"
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