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This is another one of those hard to write posts where I reveal stuff about me that I don't even like to think about.
Enjoy.
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What's the one thing every gay man is most afraid of?
Is it getting fat? Nope. But it's a good guess. Is it dying and going to hell? Nope. Well, I guess, for the church queens, but as a whole, no. Is it "the big disease with a little name"? Nope. Yes I said "nope," you heard me. Considering the statistics and our actions as a whole, as a community we obviously aren't all that afraid of it. Not to discount it at all but our collective actions toward it do not illustrate that we are all that fearful. So what is it you ask, what strikes fear in the hearts of all gay men? Growing old and alone.
A gay man once told me that the gay life is a lonely life. So many of us in this world, gay without our permission, born into this world, feeling flawed, look at straight people and all the opportunities they have to come together and start a family and at all the encouragement society as a whole gives them as opposed to all the discouragement and abuse society gives us.
Not to mention the way we fuck each other over. He fucked you over so you fuck over the next one and that next one fucks somebody over who you end up meeting at a club and ends up fucking you over and at the end of he day it's like what the fuck? When does it all fucking end? Can two man ever just fucking be together and be happy without all the fucking bullshit?
This is the thing, we're all wounded, wounded and scared. It's hard growing up gay in this world. More than likely our parents and other relatives don't understand us or were abusive to us. We were made fun of in school, we lived double lives, etc., etc. We all have our own emotional baggage to deal with. We put up defenses and walls to shield our all too oft broken hearts from more pain. We do it to protect ourselves but in the process we push anyone else away. As a result we're snappy, we're rude, we're fierce, we're cynical, we're jaded, 'we've created a fuck or be fucked, fuck that 'cuz I'ma get mine' world for ourselves and yet the better part of us still expects to be happy. Even if someone means us well we don't believe it because we're simply not used to it.
So what are we gonna do about it? Actually, I can't tell you what to do. As I haven't done it myself yet. The question is what am I gonna do about it? The last few weeks have been really introspective for me. I've been looking inside, seeing what makes me tick, seeing why my relationships don't work. Let's have a look at my patterns:
ADAM'S RELATIONSHIP PATTERN:
This is so fucking embarrassing by the way, but I think this is a good exercise you should do for yourself in the privacy of your own home and not necessarily for the whole world to see like I have here. Remember, we can rationalize our way out of thinking that we have a problem as long as we only let it live in our heads. But once we put it on paper it's not as easy to deny. Here we go:
- Adam meets a guy.
- Adam is attracted to the guy.
- Adam does whatever he can to sleep with the guy.
- Adam sleeps with the guy and if he doesn't get to sleep with the guy he usually becomes disinterested in the guy altogether.
- Now Adam has feelings for the guy.
- Adam as usual feels a little more for the guy than the guy feels for him.
- Adam is now scared. These are the things Adam is scared of:
- Adam is scared to show too much emotion to the guy because he's afraid that he won't get it back and that will make him feel invalidated.
- Adam is scared whenever he calls or texts and does not receive a call or text back within the hour that maybe he's doing too much and the guy is over him.
- Adam has a perpetual underlying fear that the guy will just stop calling or corresponding altogether out of the blue because it's happened to him a few times in the past and it hurt... A LOT!
- Adam knows that he has done some triflin' ass shyt in the past and is always waiting for the proverbial ax to fall.
- Adam as a result of Adam's fear of being abandoned again is torn between wanting to outpour the feelings he's feeling to the guy or to be guarded and aloof (which he's really not but only is now as a result of being hurt so many times before) in an attempt to ready himself just in case this guy abandons him.
- Adam wonders why can't he ever find a guy who likes him as equally as he likes the guy.
- Adam has actually found people like that in the past but somehow to him it just doesn't seem real so he doesn't trust it or it may actually be real but if Adam is not physically and sexually attracted to the guy then it doesn't matter to him anyway.
- Adam does more and more to get the guy to like him and validate him but the guy never really gives Adam the pat on the back that he craves.
- Adam starts to get annoyed at the fact the that he goes all out of the way for the guy and he's still not getting the validation he wants. Mind you the guy never asked for all of this sacrifice from Adam.
- Adam is frustrated, at the end of his rope and ready to break things off but he doesn't want to be alone.
- Adam passively seeks out someone else to get with as insurance as he feels that him and this guy are about to be over.
- Adam snaps and breaks things off because the guy committed a minor offense against him that most people probably would have just dealt with or ignored but not Adam, he's way too hypersensitive to invalidation and is hurt by even the smallest, most insignificant slight at this point.
- Adam is alone again and moves in closer on the new guy.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat. This is my relationship cycle in black and white. Dayum I sound crazy as hell. I don't feel too bad though cuz most of y'all bitches is crazy too. I've dated some of you. Like I said I don't have an answer yet. I know that it's definitely me who needs work but then again with all my emotional baggage flung across my shoulder I could be attracting the wrong type of men as well. I will look at this and look at my current dating situation and figure out exactly where I am on the cycle and figure out the best way to break the chain because I'm so tired of going through the same shyt over and over again. And I sure as hell do not wanna end up old and alone.
Like I always say "knowing is half the battle." Now that I have admitted publicly that I don't have it all together I can take steps toward trying to put me together. Like I said before I'm wounded, so before I can be a part of a successful relationship I have to love myself enough to heal me first so I can have something to give to someone else. So cliche, but nevertheless so true.
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Playing In The Background...
"What Is Love" (My Motha Effin Goin' Through It In A Relationship Theme Song)
by Vivian Green
from the album "A Love Story"
Check out my blog post on the Vivian Green concert I went to back in April. It has video and everything.
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i like how you ended your post you gotta love yourself first relationships is a 24/7 thing i beleive in 50/50 and communication is key trust me you can work anything out if you try and care about the person:) i just kinda wanted to know why you become disinterested in the guy if he doesnt sleep with you ?
I really whole heartedly agree with this .. so true, and even at my age I have wondered, will I end up old and lonely because dating in the gay community can be triflin and hard ... lol ! But so true though adam what you were saying
My phone has been crazy for the past few days...with that said...
I had this conversation last night with a friend. I really did! All of it is sooooo true, and I'm impressed how open you are on your blog. I deal with some of the same stuff and it really does hurt to think about it...the it being your own insecurities...
Make's me wana give you a big ole hug...
This is quite a powerful piece. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing... I feel the same way as you do. I am a straight black woman under 35 with that fear. Loneliness is a universal concept. I over compensate and get mad when its not given back. I too look for replacements when I see the relationship fading. Many say its our Leo ego that gets us in this trouble. Who knows, but I will say this to you as someone who is older and had some therapy for my issues and BS -Don't expect anybody to love you unless you give it to yourself first.
Did you ever think to take a break from relationships with others and get a better understanding of the one you have with yourself? It may sound like Dr Phil speak but I have come to realize just how alone I was in many of my so called "relationships" .
Wow Adam...you amaze me with how open you are about your life on your blog. It takes a great deal of courage to share your flaws and inner most fears with the world. I'm sure you know that you're not the only person who is dealing with the same issues. You are to be comended because through this post I'm sure you've helped a lot of people. Don't be surprised if I get the urge to share it with the readers of my blog...all credit to the author of course.
You're doing the work which is a hell of a lot more than most people. It's difficult to really look at our behavior and dissect how it contributes to the cycle of negativity. The reward is that you learn who you really are and can continue to improve each day.
i'm really tempted to print this out and pass it out as a flyer at the nearest ball or club in hopes of striking a chord that desperately needs to be strummed.
amazing amazing. thanks for sharing
Excellently and Eloquently spoken. This was powerful and incredibly brave of you!
Great piece Adam. This can be a universal message for people and there sexuality. Straight, Gay, Bi or Whatever. Once again Therapy dude, After a while you are going to send me a bill.
You just got added to my favorites on the basis of this post. Excellent piece.
Dayum! Damn! Damn!
OK, instead of telling you, I shall show you what we did. OK?
I walked into a men's bar in Canada, and there was a group of native guys around a table having a good gay old Indian time.
I found a seat on the other side of the bar and looked them over. One guy looked back at me, smiled and sent me a drink. I acknowledged lifting my glass and smiled my thanks. Eventually his friends left him behind (his choice) and I went to sit across from him. He said, "No, come sit beside me. I've seen you in here before. I like you and I want to be close to you."
And with that we spent the whole night walking, talking about ourselves, what we did, who our mutual friends were, showered together, still talking and laughing (he was funny ...), went to bed, had a lot of rubbing, hugging, kissing and talking, nipping and tickling, pinching and sucking teat and toes and everywhere and in between and talking.
It was the weekend and we didn't work the next day or Sunday for that matter, so we spent the entire weekend getting to know each other as intimately as we could. We invited our friends over; and had family fun together (no sex), just clean friendship fun. We cleaned house and were thoroughly domestic. At night we went over to his home after going to the clubs and repeated everything we did and said at my house. Sunday night, he brought a bag of clothes over as I would drive him to work and pick him up afterwards.
Dayum! We talked, we laughed, we became friends and laid a foundation to build on. It lasted all of 17 years. He was killed by a drunk driver 20 years ago.
I realize that men have been socialized into believing that they are to be strong and silent, no tears and that sissy stuff; but we are human first; we all have feelings and emotions which we have to share and when we find someone with whom we would like to take home to mama, we have to share those feelings with that person.
He has no way of knowing what goes on in your mind, in your heart, nor in your head (your cock is his own man he has nothing to do with you once he sees ass).
Not unless you open your mouth and share with him! So, damn! Tell the gay brother you care enough to want to share your feelings with him. Risk it! You've nothing to lose (your cock will get his ass, anyway!) Let him know! He can't read your mind (not even when you do things to please him as he does not know why you're doing them).
You make some valid points, brotha, and it reminds me of some healing work that I'm doing for myself. If I could offer you some food for thought from my experience, it would be;
1 - No one has it together ALL the time.
2 - Forgive yourself because you are okay right where you are.
3 - Continue to think, speak and act from the Truth of who YOU are.
4 - If you haven't already, acknowledge the spiritual connection you ALREADY have with the Divine Creator.
5 - You can NOW create the life you choose to manifest at 70 by planting the seeds of how you choose to be.
6 - So be LOVE, PEACE, JOY and COURAGEOUS. God did not give you a spirit of fear but one of power, of love and of good discipline.
Create and Be a good life!
It maybe cliche, but it's true. You really made me think about myself more with this one. I might have to evaluate and re-evaluate myself before I can actually get to where I need to be as a person and before I get into a real relationship with someone. A lot of w'at you said is how I feel about relationships and love and the guy that I'm getting to know. Like the one about meeting someone who likes you as much as you like them, but you're not sure if they're being real about their feelings or you're not physically and sexually attracted to them. That part I believe has to do with not wanting to settle just for someone's feelings of love, but for them as an entire total package. That's why I want to be able to be as good looking and as sexually appealing and as smart, and as wonderful and as healthy, and w'atever else great I could be, while truly being me. I want to be with someone that matches me, if that's w'at I'm looking for in them. I don't want to be half-steppin' when I'm dating someone that I really like. They didn't disappoint me and my expectations and I don't want to disappoint theirs. I know people say you shouldn't walk into getting to know someone having expectations (someone told me that), but I know w'at I want and I'm not gonna settle for jus' anything or anyone to be my other half. Like Bo Bice, I want "the real thing". Maybe I can make a new friend, but I do know w'at I want when it come to love, I think. I'm still growing and learning and figuring it out.
The other day I answered a forum question for 80s babies, about where I see myself in ten years. I told them the four places I'd have residences, my accomplishments and career, how old I'd be at the time , 33, and that I might possibly be on my own in a relationship. A lot of other people stated that they'd be happily married or single or dating or something of the sort. I chose to rationalize that I might jus' avoid a relationship because I'd be more focused on me, my life and very busy with my flourishing career to give my relationship the attention it needs. But then again, who knows, I might meet someone that matches mt that well at that time in my life and we'll love together forever, happily. (Oh, the dream. I hope I'm not wrong about him)