October 2007 Archives

A few years ago I met this guy online, let's call him Thomas. Thomas and I talked online for a while, exchanging pleasantries, being flirtatious, being sexual. We exchanged numbers and continued to talk every so often. One sunny afternoon out of the blue Thomas calls me and says that him and his friend are in my area and that I should be outside in fifteen minutes. I told him that I would need more time than that to get ready. I was meeting him in person for the first time and I wanted to make a good impression. He insisted that it wasn't necessary and that he had only just thrown himself together so there was no need for me to do anything extravagant. I jumped up and tried my best to get somewhat ready in such a minimal time.

After having them outside waiting in the back of my building for about about fifteen minutes, fifteen more than the fifteen I was originally supposed to be ready in, I got to the car. Thomas stepped out of the passengers seat of the car onto the cracked sidewalk, we shook hands. He was attractive, cute even, he looked better than his pictures and he was definitely right about not being put together. He had on an old ratty looking t-shirt, some sweats and some flip flops. As messed up as his outfit was it took nothing away from his looks though. Upon entering the car I greeted his friend as well. Thomas looked back, smiled and asked me why I was so well put together. He reiterated the fact that he said over the phone that I didn't have to do anything special. Then he asked me was that why I was took so long. I have to admit I was a little embarrassed, but it was cool though. His queries were all in fun.

We drove around for a while as Thomas' friend was running various local errands. During the ride I was pretty much silent in the backseat. I was just passively listening to their conversation and watching their dynamic. I like to watch friends, especially best friends, interact with each other, there's nothing like it. These two were definitely best friends. Every so often they would look back at me just to make sure I was still alive.

We ended up going back to Thomas' friend's apartment. His apartment was very nicely decorated. You could tell that a gay man lived there. After sitting on the couch a while Thomas declared that he was taking a shower. As he walked toward the bathroom he grabbed my hand and I followed him. We got into the bathroom and as soon as the door closed behind us we grabbed at each other like animals, kissing, fondling and grabbing at each other ravenously. We eventually got out of our clothes and made it to the shower where our foreplay continued, hot and heavy in the steam of the running water. Right when I was about to enter him he stopped me.

"Adam, stop. I can't do this..."

"What's wrong?"

"I can't do this..."

"Why?"

"I'm positive."

I couldn't breathe. I stood naked with my back up against the moist tiled wall, my head spinning like a centrifuge. Here I was about to fuck this dude with no condom (as most people don't exactly keep them on the soap dish). What was so crazy was that I pretty much knew I was gonna get some that day and I had condoms and lube on me in my jacket. I just never bothered to go get them. It would have ruined the mood and the spontaneity of the moment. In all this time I never even bothered to ask what his status was. It never even came up in all of our prior conversation. This was the first time in all of my fucking around that I was confronted with HIV. I never really talked about it much before. I knew my status, I'd been tested, but I never really discussed it much with my partners. He continued.

"I want to. I really want to but. I had to let you know. You're such a nice guy."

"Wow, how did this happen?"

In retrospect I see what a dumb ass question that was for me to ask, but I asked anyway. He proceeded to tell me that he pretty much knew who he contracted the virus from and that he tried to confront that person but the person moved to another state and changed their phone number. He said that his best friend, the one in the living room was one of the only people who knew. With a little sass in his voice he also said:

"Oh, and don't think that I'm the only one. If you're out here fucking around I know I'm not the first person who you've run into who has the virus. I'm just the first to tell you."

With sex, but a distant memory, we finished our shower, in silence. I wasn't angry, or scared, or disgusted by him or anything like that. I knew better, I knew the facts, I knew that HIV wasn't just gonna jump on me just because I was in the shower with him. I wasn't necessarily done with him either, he was a really cool person and HIV wasn't gonna change that. I was just sober, soberly thinking about all the fucking around I'd done, all the possibilities, how fucked up that person was who infected Thomas and just ran away and how Thomas didn't even have to tell me about his status, it's not as though I asked. I also wondered exactly why he told me. It was all just so crazy, he was so young, so good looking, he didn't look sick, he wasn't in a hospice with tubes running out of his body. He was nothing like I imagined HIV to be, he was like, like me.

We dried off and went back into the living room the friend was sitting on the couch like nothing happened. I guess from his perspective nothing did happen. He wasn't in the shower. We got dressed and ended up back in the friend's car. As we drove around I sat in the back of the car in uncertainty until Thomas asked:

"What train station do you wanna be dropped off at?"

They dropped me off at the train station. We said our goodbyes and I never heard from Thomas again. The scariest thing about that story had nothing to do with Thomas but everything to do with me. I totally let sex cloud my better judgment that day. I knew so much better than to do what I was gonna do but almost did it anyway. He had to be the one to stop me from protecting ME. How sick is that? Not being able to trust yourself to do what you know is best for yourself, that's scarier than anything else that happens on Halloween.

I remember sharing this story with my one of best friends about a year after it happened. We were sitting in the Village talking about life and the virus and it's effect on our community. We also talked about the 46% statistic, which now I heard is up to 48%. I told him that with statistics like that it's like it's either me or you now. Any one of us is can be one test away from a positive result. That's one of the reasons why I am never one to judge. We can get tested and we can take all of the necessary precautions and not be promiscuous of course but if you've ever been sexually active there's never any way to be 100% sure. Your test can come back negative today and show up positive a few months from now as HIV can lie dormant in your system before there is enough antibodies of it to be detected by a test.

I'm no doctor and you can always look up the facts from a much more reliable medical source than me but the point I wanted to convey here was that we all need to make better decisions. We also need not judge anyone, especially those with HIV because none of us are exempt. I have friends today with HIV and I love them, respect them, and treat them as I would any other friend and they are all fine, healthy, dating and living their lives as they should be. At times in the midst of all of our fun and day to day living I forget that they even have the virus. They have to remind me at times and that's the way it should be. It's not something I need to dwell on. HIV, as unfortunate as it is is not a death sentence.

Thomas was the first person I ever met with HIV and as dumb as it sounds today, back then I really was shocked at how healthy and quote-unquote "normal" he looked. My experience with Thomas taught me how important it is to be nice to people, all people and to have an aura of openness about myself so people could feel comfortable telling me anything. I actually wish that Thomas would have kept up with me. I tried to correspond with him after that but to no avail. I don't fully understand why he never wanted to talk to me again but I respect his decision. I never got a chance to thank him for that day in the shower. He taught me more than all the sex education classes in the world could have taught me and I'm different today because of it.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"It's O.K."
by BeBe & CeCe Winans
from the album: "BeBe & CeCe Winans Greatest Hits"
==========

So I was on a date with this guy once. We had been dating for a little while and I really liked him. We even had had sex a few times before, it was always great. At that time we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks. I missed him. I missed being around him but I was also horny as hell. We set up a date for the upcoming Friday night. Earlier that week as we talked on the phone and texted back and forth I was dropping pretty obvious hints that I was trying to get some on the night of our date. I basically said everything short of 'I wanna fuck you on Friday night.' I wasn't getting any objections to anything so I assumed all systems were go.

On Friday I assumed my "pre-I'm-getting-me-some-tonight-rituals" of masturbating only once (because as you've already read I masturbate at least twice a day, read that post here) early in the morning as to give my guys enough time to regenerate for the evening's activities, my Kegel exercises (if you don't know about them I suggest you Google them) because nobody likes it when you pop the cork and the champagne doesn't shoot out, I cleaned up the house, changed the sheets, I made sure my Glade Plug Ins Scented Oil Light Show was full because nothing is sexier than walking into a home that smells good. I think I even went to the gym that day. I was ready. I was a lean, mean, fucking machine. All that was left to do was to pick out an outfit, something that looked good but could be ripped off at a moments notice.

So Friday evening comes and we went out to a really nice dinner. Then we went to a club. Things were getting hot and heavy on the dance floor. There was some bumping and grinding, neck sucking, kissing, my dick was hard, everything was lovely. In the club the music was loud so I texted him saying something like "Let's get outta here and go back to my place." He was cool with it. I was excited. I was finally gonna get me some and from him, this guy who I really liked. As much as I sound like a horny dog right now I really did have feelings for this guy. As always, other sexual opportunities presented themselves but he was the one I really wanted.

All during the train ride home there was all this sexual tension. I just wanted to have him right there on the subway train. Obviously we're gay, so I couldn't even kiss the dude without having to fight somebody. Society... two dudes can't tongue each other down on a subway train without a bitch having something to say. Lemme stop, 'cuz gay or not gay I've never really been into PDA anyway.

We get back to my place, lights dim, smelling good, all this sexual tension bubbling over. We start kissing, the clothes somehow come off and we fall into bed. We suck, we lick, we grind, I eat, he's moaning, I eat, he's moaning, I grind, hes' moaning, I suck his neck, he's moaning, I eat, he's moaning, I tease him with the head of my dick, he's moaning, I reach for the nightstand drawer, he stops.

"I don't wanna have sex tonight?"

"Huh?"

"I don't wanna have sex tonight?"

"What?"

There's was no blood left in my brain at that point so I couldn't really reason past one word questions yet. I was starting to sound like 'Lil Jon.

"I don't wanna have sex tonight?"

"Why?"

"Because I don't feel good."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

One of the worse things to happen to a man, especially a gay man, especially a gay man who is a top is to be left with the horrible, terrible, proverbial, blue balls. For a man to get his hopes up, touching, kissing, cuddling, rubbing, listening, paying for dinner, all for that moment when his throbbing hard dick can finally get the satisfaction that his body has been craving all night, all week, all month, all however long it was since the last time he got some, only to be denied at last second is, is, it's just fucked up! I can sit here and look back on all the dates I've made, and all the plans I've made, and all dinners I've paid for, and all the boring ass conversations I've had to sit through, and all the boring ass places I've been dragged to all in the hopes of tappin' that ass. Even with all this work put in whether I will really get some has always remained an uncertainty.

Well this is a new day people! You wanna talk? You want communication? Well dammit, let's talk, I'm ready to communicate. So I've decided rather than assuming, wishing, hoping and praying that I get some I'm just gonna come straight out and ask. I know it's new, it's radical, it's different. Most of our actions in a dating situation usually hinge on assumption, subtle suggestion and inference but lately I've been testing out a more straight forward approach.

The time came for me and this same dude to go out again and before I started doing extra Kegels and push ups and shit I figured that I needed to know what I was, or rather wasn't getting into, so I could govern myself accordingly. As you know I've never done this with someone I've dated before. A few nights before our next date I send a text:

"I've never been this direct before but fuck it... Ayyo, can we have sex Friday night?"

"Yeah that's pretty direct. What happened to ur mack game? Ur supposed to make me want to have sex with you, not ask for it. lol"

You see that. That's that inference, assumption bullshit. I can't make him "want" anything. We're both grown. Either he wants to or he doesn't... for the most part. I'm usually pretty convincing but even with that there ain't that much "mack game" in the world. I laid down much mack game on the last date and you see where that got me. I wasn't taking any chances this time.

"U already wanna have sex with me. I just need to know if it's really gonna happen or not."

"Yeah."

"Thanks :) You see how easy that was... lol"

"Lol yeah yeah"

"There's so many things I wanna do to you..."

"U gonna let me ride u?"

"Hell yeah..."

"Aight cool, can't wait. ;)"

You see how simple that was. Nice and straightforward. Now we have no crazy mismatched expectations from the date. We can go out, have a good time and know we're getting some at the end of the night. Even if he said that he didn't wanna have sex with me I could still govern myself accordingly, like I said. I wouldn't expect anything. The real horror of blue balls is not so much a physical, I'm just horny thing. It's the dashing of expectations and the feeling of rejection that makes it so tragic.

On a more serious note repeated episodes like that, especially in the context of a relationship can lead to the rejected partner (top or bottom) harboring deep resentment toward the other. It can also have damaging effects on that partner's self esteem. Remember, gay or not we're all men and a good portion of a man's self esteem is wrapped up in his sexual prowess. Now I'm not suggesting for a second that anyone does anything that they don't want to do but whenever you don't want to at least take the time to explain why so the other person understands where you're coming from.

===========
Playing In The Background...
"Put Me Down"
by Donnell Jones
from the album "Life Goes On"
and
Sean Paul
"(When U Gonna) Give It Up To Me" feat. Keyshia Cole
from the album "The Step Up Original Movie Sountrack"
==========

Hey Everybody,
As you all know, I was picked by Nathan "Seven" Scott to be "Flawless Man Of The Month: November 2007" for his web magazine, "The 7 Magazine". The photos were taken by Nathan on location at some abandoned Long Island Railroad train tracks in Brooklyn. I have to pat myself on the back a little because the location was my idea. Here are some of the actual photos, I even smile in a few of them. The first one is the cover photo for the blog, the last two were also shot by Nathan but on another day and you'll notice that I even have a shirt on in one of them. So, yes, I own clothes, just in case you were wondering.

I have to once again give much props to Nathan. I'm not trying to sound conceited but these pictures came out great, so much better than I expected. I'm no model, I'm just a writer/blogger/graphic designer and he made me feel like I was Tyson Beckford or somebody. He gave me great direction and even listened and was receptive to my creative ideas. This was my first outdoor photo shoot and my third ever. I'm just glad he picked me, of all people, for this honor. It was really cool and a great experience. Nathan and are collaborating on some more exciting ventures coming up. I'll keep you guys posted. And last but not least, thank you to DJ Baker of Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show for assisting on the shoot and making us laugh every step of the way.

Tell me what you guys think of the pics and the new design of the blog in the "Comments" section at the bottom of the post. You can also click on the thumbnails below to see larger versions of the pics. My official website, ABenjaminIrby.com is in the process of being redesigned as well. Look out for that.

-Adam

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Models"
by Girls Aloud
from the album "Chemistry"
==========

Now y'all know I was going through it last Tuesday when I wrote this post. But that next day and the days following that even into this weekend and this new week beginning I feel great. I'm learning to relax, let go of expectations and just live, more importantly, live for me. I've been doing a lot for myself in the past week and have been putting dating and expectations of happiness and living out the rest of my days with "the one" on the back burner. The coolest thing about it is that it's not even a big dramatic change this time. I promised myself that I wouldn't run after another guy, I slipped up for a second and now I'm back. Like I said in the last dating update post "no angry phone calls, no declarative emails, no proclamations via text message" I'm just relaxing and letting things come to me now.

When I saw Pubby last Sunday he said that he wanted to meet up on Thursday. I agreed but I wasn't gonna put much on it. If I got a chance to spend time with him, I'd be nice but if I didn't I'd live. Given his track record, I didn't expect much. He texted me Thursday morning:

P: "Morning sweetheart"

A: "What's good, sexy?"

P: "Not much.. in class :("

A: "Awww I just woke up."

P: "Lucky you.. It is freezing and raining outside"

A: "Really, I woke up in the middle of the nite 2 close my windows last nite it was dumb cold"

P: "Yes, and I'm severely underdressed :("

A: "U didn't watch the weather report babe?  Maybe it will get better, maybe it's just a morning thing."

P: "Nah I Was running late"

A little bit later I was online checking my various email, Facebook and MySpace accounts I get a message on MySpace from, you guessed it, the Pubster:

P: "Hello sir :)"

A: "Whaddup babe,
I'm about to run out to the gym real quik and get me a haircut so I can be back in time to get the house ready 4 ur arrival.
((muah))"

P: "So as you may have anticipated.. I'm not gonna come up after all :( I just can't fathom going home on the train at midnight wearing what im wearing and feeling how I'm sure I'll be feeling..."

A: "Aight, Well I guess no need to rush back then, feel better babe. We'll get up some other time. Just him me up n lemme know :)"

P: "I'll hit u when I get home so we can chat... we can have a phone date! :D"

A: "LOL aight babe. ;)"

P: "For real tho I miss u.. wanna see u and hang out.."

Now if this had been last week, I woulda really been tight after having him cancel on me last minute like that. But ever since I wrote and read and reread and reread that blog post from last week and saw the fool I was becoming along with the fact that Pubby started looking different to me anyway ever since that day he snapped on me, it just became real easy to be indifferent about the whole thing. I shocked my damn self. And what was that last line about? Did I read that shit correctly?

Shortly after Pubby canceled on me, CancelCancel hit me up asking me whether I wanted to go out to BBQ's with him that night (they're doing the relay thing again). Now if this were last week I would have jumped at the chance to go out with CancelCancel, especially after Pubby just canceled on me, so in that case the night wouldn't be totally wasted right? Wrong. Why the fuck is a night with me and just me in my house, surrounded by all the lovely shit that I worked so hard to pay for a wasted night? That's bullshit. See, I'm tryna change the way I think. I was already gonna not go to my ab class at the gym that night in order to spend time with Pubby and Lord knows as much as I love me some ribs, BBQ's wasn't gonna do nothin' for my midsection. So I declined his offer, got my haircut, went to my ab class, did some lifting, came home and baked me some low fat buffalo wings and watched "Family Guy". Oh yeah and that phone date Pubby mentioned, it never happened, it's not as though I expected it to anyway.

Friday afternoon I took some more pics with Nathan "Seven" Scott out in Jersey (look out for more collabos between us in the future). After that I came back into the city and stopped by Verlaine, on the Lower East Side to have a drink with a really good friend from school that I hadn't seen in years. The cranberry vodka there is great, it hardly tasted like liquor and it was only four bucks. I scarfed that thing down like it was kool-aid. If I could have stayed there longer I know I woulda been fucked up, like my birthday party, fucked up (read that blog post here), but I had to meet DJ (DJ Baker of the Doo Dirty-Radio Show) who I've said is like my new big brother, at an open mic thingy up in Harlem. He wasn't the only person I was meeting there.

There's this guy who heard my appearance on DJ's radio show. He came to the blog and then he hit me up on MySpace, we messaged back and forth on there, we exchanged numbers and decided to meet up at this event last Friday night. You'd think I meet get hit on via internet by a lot of people, doing this blog but surprisingly I don't. Dont get me wrong, I get my fair share but I wouldn't call it excessive. Anyway back to the guy, he was cool, he's not on nickname status yet, we'll see where it goes. We all, me, him, his friend, and DJ ended up back at my house having a roundtable discussion about relationships into the wee hours of the morning. We were supposed to go to Shelter that night but the time got away from us and we decided against it.

Saturday, I met up with DJ again downtown to be a part of a taped roundtable discussion for to be included in a future radio show. On my way down there I was on the phone with Pubby and he was telling me about all of this dramatic shit that happened at Shelter the night before. I was so thankful that I didn't end up going to Shelter. The last thing I needed to do was to be around more drama, especially after the party I went to last week. While he was on the phone telling the story and just talking about, well, you know, ummm, Pubby stuff, like fashion, clothes, money, parties, being a part of the upper level of the caste system that is the New York black gay scene (which not to sound overly critical, can be a little superficial and somewhat monotonous at times, that is the scene and him talking about it) I mean, hey, I'm gay too and even I have my moments, we all do, but damn! I get tired of hearing about that stuff sometimes. Anyway, I noticed myself drifting in and out of the conversation as though I'd heard it all before and it never was that interesting to begin with. As much as I was trying to hold on he started to notice. He actually stopped a few times to ask me what was wrong with me and to tell me that I seemed disinterested.  Being the person I am I quickly and vehemently denied such accusations as not to sound the least bit shady. Before I would have been so enthralled listening to him go on about these things but I'm not so much anymore.

Actually I think that this is what it is. When I first met Pubby I knew full well that he was a scenester. He's a pretty boy. He looks good and he knows it. He knows people and people know him on the scene. He's used to going out and getting into the clubs for free, he's a snob, and will not associate or interact with with certain people because of it. He's into going out, drinking, partying, socializing, shopping and just living fabulously. I'm the total opposite, I'm not into the scene, I hardly drink or go out, and am pretty much unknown outside of my circle of friends and I'm totally fine with that. I know that it seems as though I'm painting this horrible picture of him and that we're total opposites and in a lot of ways we are and  a lot of our views are different. There are many times during our conversations when I will find myself holding my tongue as not to argue with him. But when we're alone together he's different. He sheds a lot of that public persona and can be a really sweet guy once you get him by himself. Because we haven't been alone together in a little while I haven't really had any tender unmasked moments with him and all I'm getting in our casual encounters lately is the public persona.

After I finished recording the show with DJ, Pubby and I decided to meet up while I was still Downtown. We were walking up the street and my cell phone rang. It was someone whom I've had several phone conversations with and may have been meeting up with later that night after me and Pubby parted ways. It was Saturday night and in true Pubby style he was going out to two or three parties. Me and the caller had a brief conversation as I was not trying to be rude to my present company. As soon as I hung up the phone Pubby said rather angrily:

P: "Do not talk to one of your dates while you're with me! That's disrespectful! I would not do that to you so don't do it to me!"

A: "How did you know it was a date?"
I said with a devilish smirk on my face.

P: "Don't insult my intelligence Adam! If it was not a date you would have said 'it's not a date'"

Silence. We walked up the street in total silence for the next 45 seconds. I'm not sure what the fuck just happened here. Am I in the fuckin' Twilight Zone or some shit? As amused as I could have been at Pubby's slight showing of jealously I was confused. Isn't this what he wanted, no strings, no commitments, just chillin'? Now he's goin' off on me about other dudes. Is it just as simple as I can just do whatever as long as he doesn't know about it? What I don't get is that he coulda had me, all of me, all to himself a few weeks ago and he didn't want that, he wanted to be "free." So now he's free and I'm free and I just got my head bitten off. But, it's all good, I'm not stressing it, honestly, the tinge of jealousy was cool, at least I know his ass is alive.

We ended up at a fast food restaurant where we had a really, really good convo. We laughed and talked about ourselves, our families, gay issues, politics, and other more genuine things. He even shared something with me that he never shared with anything else. As we conversed and I looked into his eyes I remembered why I started to like him so much in the first place. We continued our conversation as walked to the train station together and waited on the platform. We were going in the same direction but on two different trains. He asked me whether I was going out that night. I told him no, because I had to work in the morning. I also reiterated to him that going out wasn't my thing, it was his thing and that he knows that I like to chill at home. To that he said:

P: "Yeah so you can have your hoes come to the house."

A: "I won't even dignify that statement with a response."

He smiled as my train pulled into the station. I embraced him while slipping in a seductive peck on his neck. I hadn't kissed him on his beautiful pink lips in so long. He said that's he'd call me later that night. I smiled and stepped ontp the train knowing better than to expect my phone to ring that night.

Oh what a difference two days make.

==========
Playing in The Background...
"If I Could"
by Dru Hill
from the album "Dru World Order"
==========

Britney Spears
"Blackout"
2007 Jive Records
4.5/5

We've all read the headlines, we've all seen the interviews, we've all winced at the news reports, and we all cringed at the MTV performance. As I read, saw, winced, and cringed right along with you, in the back of my mind though I knew that none of that was what was really important. The real question was, can this bitch still deliver a good album? The answer to that question is a resounding yes. Not only is "Blackout" a good album, it's arguably, but in my opinion her best ever.

One of the smaller, more pertinent controversies surrounding this album is Britney's proclamation that she is a legend, something which is stated twice on the album, once by producer Nate "Danja" Hills and again by herself. Many would argue "How can this pro-tooled pop tart whose studio vocals have more layers than a croissant call herself a legend?" To that  question I ask: Who else could release a single and have it skyrocket into the top 5 with no real promotion, open one of the largest music award shows of the year, give it the best ratings it's had in years, with the most anticipated performance of the year, pushing out some other customarily more deserving previously scheduled performer, mind you still with no physical single or album title, stumble through that performance drunken and out of shape, and still have their album leaked on the internet to so much demand that the record label has to push the album release forward two weeks all while remaining too unbothered to even take a new photo for the album cover (even though she should have because this one is overused and horrid)? There are other pop starlets who are so skinny their collarbones fashionably protrude from their chests and others with five octave vocal ranges who don't even have a fraction of the clout that Britney has or the attention she receives. If that's not a legend I don't know what is? Like her or not, name another bitch who could get away with it?... Thought so.

Of the twenty or so tracks leaked onto the internet, Britney and her collaborators chose, finished and reworked, and retitled a little more than half of them and added on a few new tracks for good measure. Half the fun of listening to the Britney leak was trying to predict which songs would make the cut. All of my predictions we're correct.

Now to the album, it starts off with the ubiquitous, omnipresent, totally unavoidable song of the late summer, "Gimme More", by as it's producer Nate "Danja" Hills calls her "The legendary Miss Britney Spears." We all know it, we all love it, though we still haven't decided which "more" we like best, Britney's short one, the long, deep demonic sounding one, or the almost orgasmic one. I like the orgasmic one myself. I really love the unofficial "Gimme More (remix)" feat. TI, which I wish could get an official release as a b-side or something.

The coolest thing about "Piece Of Me" and the album's closing and only ballad "Why Should I Be Sad" is that these are songs about Britney's life, not written by Britney. While most people would scoff at such a biographical concept I see it as kinda cool. It's almost as though Britney said to the writers "Look guys, you've read the headlines. You've seen the news reports. Ummmm... write a song about me and lemme know when it's done. Kay, love ya. Bye." The vocally morphed, edgy, "Piece Of Me" produced by Bloodshy & Avant has a first line that says:

"I’m Miss American Dream since I was seventeen..."

and a chorus that says:

"I’m Mrs. lifestyles of the rich and famous (You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. oh my God, that Britney’s shameless (You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. extra extra, this just in (You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. she’s too big now she’s too thin (You want a piece of me)"

You notice how she's married to the things mentioned in the chorus but not married to being Miss American Dream? Interesting.

The Pharrell Williams written and produced "Why Should I Be Sad" (aka "Stupid Things") which in a roundabout way basically tells the story of the breakup of Britney, the millionaire, from her, not as wealthy, some would even say opportunistic, ex-husband, Kevin Federline contains this lyric:

"I sent you out to Vegas
With a pocket full of paper..."

Ouch!

"Radar" (produced by Bloodshy & Avant and contains some of the same sounds as Rihanna's hit "SOS") and "Ooh Ooh Baby" (aka "Fillin' Me Up") are the lighter, more poppy songs of the album, one that's mostly filled with dark, hard hitting dance beats that flirt on the edge of R&B. These two songs though are reminiscent of those from past Britney albums, just with racier lyrics. The last one "Ooh Ooh Baby" is penned by Kara DioGuardi, whose writing talents have been utilized by other female pop acts such as Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, and Miley Cyrus aka "Hannah Montana." "Ooh...", though not terrible is the least edgy, polished, or sophisticated of all the tracks and sounds out of step with the other songs. It's the only song that I was surprised to have seen make the cut.

The techno-europop-esque "Heaven On Earth", like "Breathe On Me" from Brit's last album "In The Zone" is another successful attempt by Britney to channel Kylie Minogue. Though I must say this time she didn't do it so hard. There is more Britney on this track than the other one.

"Break The Ice", the second of the album's tracks produced by Nate "Danja" Hills is a dance floor ready, heavy breathing, perfect blend of crunk'n'b and pop. I was expecting Lil' Jon to jump onto the track any second. "Get Naked (I Got A Plan)", another hot Hills collaboration that sounds so oddly close to some of veteran producer Timbaland's recent work that it makes me wonder: Who was whose protégé again? Hills production credits conclude with the dark and sexy dance track "Perfect Lover" (aka "Got Me High"), the club anthem and iTunes bonus track "Get Back" and the boastful "Hot As Ice" (aka "Cold As Fire") which contains this lyric:

"...They're saying thank you very much (uh huh)
Living legend, you can look but don't touch
Cuz I'm (ooh)
Cold as fire baby, hot as ice.
If you've ever been to Heaven this is (twice as nice)..."

There goes that "legend" word again.

Bloodshy & Avant also contribute two more dance tracks to the album. The Fergie-esque, "Freakshow", a repetitive dance number that comes in just under three minutes. The most interesting thing about the song is the male voice that repeats this lyric right after Britney:

"Me and my girls like to get it on
Grab us a couple boys to go..."

Is Britney Spears putting a little homosexuality in an album? I guess it's about damn time, as large as her gay male fan base is. I guess that's why her album was posted in its entirety for previewing at the LGBT cable network LOGO's website as well as MTV. And unlike Beyonce, Britney's acknowledgment of the gay community actually seems genuine. "Toy Soldier", a song whose premise, much like Destiny's Child's "Soldier" is about Brit looking for a man who is gonna take care of her as well. The emphasis in this song though is the man who doesn't, the toy soldier.

In a nutshell, the album is amazing, not like in an avant-garde, snooty, stuck up, pseudo-intelligent, quote-unqoute "artistic" sorta way. It's amazing in that if this album doesn't make you dance you don't have a pulse. It's the slickest, most solid, most edgy, most danceable, most genuinely introspective album of her career and will be lighting up dance floors all over the world for years to come, well at least maybe for the next year.

If you must download, download: "Gimme More", "Piece Of Me", "Break The Ice", "Get Naked (I Got A Plan)", "Hot As Ice", "Perfect Lover"

IN STORES, TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30th!

Buy it from Amazon here.

Website: BritneySpears.com

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Hot As Ice"
by Britney Spears
from the album "Blackout"
==========

"Oh something missing, the golden shower pissin'.
All up in ya mouth, what? You think I'm kidding?"
-Lil' Kim
from the song "Queen Bitch Part 2"

There's been a lot of talk about water sports aka golden shower (peeing on your partner as a sex act) here lately. Ever since I wrote the post where I told the story about my ex who wanted me to pee on him (I didn't do it by the way, read that post here) it seems like everyone has been asking me about it. It's even been a subject brought up on my recent internet radio and internet TV appearances.

Besides being uncomfortable with it, another reason why I didn't engage in water sports with my ex was because I just simply didn't know how the whole process worked. Where do you do it? How do you do it? What am I aiming for? What exactly is he doing while I'm "showering him with my love?" In the original post I reached out to all of you asking if there is someone out there  who engages in water sports who could tell me how exactly it works. One of you, my lovely readers, emailed me back:

"There isn't any specific set of etiquettes. If someone asks you to give him a golden shower, and you feel like obliging him, then just ask him what exactly he wants done. Every person likes it differently. You gotta ask him to be specific. Although ultimately, for the sake of hygiene, this sort of stuff should be done in a bathroom. Don't even try it on the bed with a plastic sheet cover. Shit don't work like that. How am I supposed to clean my wood floor?

And likewise, at least speaking from personal experience, I know the whole "peeing thing" is definitely not everybody's cup of tea (and I think other fans of "water sports" know this too). So I don't get upset if a person says "no" to me.  If you're not into it, well, c'est la vie. Just say no. If the other person has a sane head on his shoulder, he'd be fine and he'll live and won't get upset. If he throws a tantrum... well, then... he's gotta go!

My boyfriend sometimes wouldn't be in the mood for it, and he'd just say "no". Okay, I'd give it an honest effort and beg him 'cuz he's my boyfriend. I'd be laying inside the bathtub and all, but sometimes he just ain't in the mood. Well, what can you do? Life goes on."
-An AdamsWebLog.com Reader

Even though I still have a myriad of questions, this does at least begin to enlighten me on this whole concept. I also want to apologize to this reader and to all the 'golden showerers' out therefor sounding so judgmental about it when I was asked about it in the "Flawless" video. Who am I to judge you? Again, I apologize.

So in future posts if I ask for your help on something, please don't hesitate to hit me up. And as always if you have something to say about something I post here feel free to make a comment by clicking on the "Comments" link after each post.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Queen Bitch Part 2"
by Lil' Kim
from the album "Notorious KIM"
==========

Hey Y'all!

I just wanted to take this time to thank you all for reading and supporting this blog.

The response to the "Flawless" video has been overwhelming!

I'm glad everyone liked it so much.

I was even contacted by FlavaMen (the porn magazine) to consider modeling for them.

As flattering as that offer was, of course I declined.

And a new record for daily hits to the site was set yesterday!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I just wanna take this time out shout out a few people (in no particular order).

I wanna start by thanking GOD. I know a lot of people would say that I sound like one of those gangsta rappers at the source awards right now. How could I possibly thank GOD as I write about homosexuality? You see that, I just did. Thanks GOD for leading me to my passion (writing). You know I've tried so many other things just to get to where I am now and you've been with me through them all. Thank you for keeping me safe down through the years in spite of all the crazy things I've done. You are the only reason why I'm not dead or terminally ill today. The church folks would say that a homo like me wouldn't know you GOD, but I'm glad we know so much better. I still believe in you as you never stopped believing in me. Thanks GOD.

I wanna thank everybody who has ever commented or sent me an email. I read EVERYTHING and it's so encouraging, even when you disagree with me. Thanks for the support and the advice. You guys truly are my internet angels watching over me.

I wanna shout out all of the dedicated daily readers and commenters here:
- Seth L. ("The King Of Facebook")
- Naquan (I can set my watch to your daily comments. You are sooooo appreciated.)
- Andrew C. (May the force NOT be with you!)
- Nic
- Kiemie (My best friend since the 7th grade.)
- Christopher Street
- That Dude Big Mike
- Cowboi, SweetP, Japtok, switchblade330, Dean, Nuklehid aka Ms. Catsuit and Heels, vaijy (My fellow Faith Evans fan), FlyMe2Paris (wink, wink), strange fruit, fanka, hotboy06, AimeeToons, Red Simba, ecm, Maddox, Angie1455, and Game from the Janet board. (Thanks for all your support!)
Thank you so much for the visits, comments and emails. I'm so glad that you have made me a part of your lives.

I wanna shout out all my friends in the blogosphere:
(All of their blog links are in the "My Favorite Blogs" section. Check their blogs out.)
- Joey Bahamas (When are you coming to NYC?)
- Minnesota Steve (I'm honored that you would call me poet.)
- Robert Jones Jr. (My fellow Janet fan.)
- Darian Aaron (I still get hits from your blog. Thank you for featuring lil' ol' me!)
- blac.sapphic
- Andre J. Allen II
- Aaron Morrow (Ima take you up on that offer one day.)
- QueerKidOfColor (Let's just agree to disagree lol)
- Nathan "Seven" Scott (Thanks for EVERYTHING!)
- DJ Baker of Da Doo-Dirty Show (My new big bro.)

I wanna shout out all the people in my life who make appearances here. Y'all are almost as much a part of the blog as I am... almost.
- Mr. Man (My biggest supporter. Thanks for believing in me from the beginning. I know that couldn't have been easy. Thank you for teaching me how to avoid the paparazzi! You are the template.)
- Mike (My best friend and the only person who lets me use his real name.)
- Russell (My other best friend.)
- CancelCancel (You have a fan base all your own!)
- Pubby
- And all the other dates I've mentioned here. (Thanks for the memories guys!)

Last but certainly not least I wanna thank YOU, whoever YOU are, reading this. YOU make all of this possible!

Thanks again GOD!

If you feel like I have left you out, charge it to my head and not my heart. Don't worry, there will be subsequent shout out posts. In the meantime, feel free to cuss me out in the comments section.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Thank You"
by Walter Hawkins & The Love Center Choir
from the album "Love Alive 4"
==========

Hey everybody,

I have been picked by the very funny, very talented Nathan "Seven" Scott, executive producer of the wildly popular YouTube series "The & Show" as "The 7 Magazine's: Flawless Man Of The Month" for November 2007. This award is given to movers and shakers and up-and-comers like me in the LGBT community who are doing their thing but incidentally are also not hard on the eyes. I'm very honored that I was chosen given both eligibility factors.

Last Saturday me, Nathan Seven and DJ Baker of the Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show did a photo shoot in Brooklyn at some abandoned train tracks. Those pictures will be featured on "The 7 Magazine" website in November. In the meantime you can check out this YouTube video showing behind the scenes footage from the photo shoot. Hopefully I didn't look too nervous. Seven and DJ are crazy! It was so much fun.

Also check out "The & Show" on YouTube, it's hilarious!

Just in case you have a problem playing the embedded video here here's the YouTube direct link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxTwrWH6mqI

LINKS:
- "The 7 Magazine"
- "The & Show"

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Yummy"
by Gwen Stefani
from the album "The Sweet Escape"
========== 

==========
This is my theory. It's not exactly science but I believe it.

Enjoy.
==========

I've said many times before that I'm proud to be gay (I even wrote a whole post about it). For me it's not a punishment, or a circumstance, or a defect, it's a blessing. I have my good days as well as my bad ones just as anyone else does but I don't wish for a second to have been born any other way. Gay, like a Kiwanis club, girl scout troop, poker club, or a tea clutch is something that I take pride in being a part of and I don't take kindly to people being falsely associated with it, especially those that sully it's good name. Just because a man has sex with another man, that does not make him gay.

Larry Craig, you know, the former Idaho senator that likes to suck the dicks of anonymous strangers in airport bathrooms, he's not gay. Ted Haggard, the big Colorado preacher who likes crystal meth and male prostitutes and lied to his family and congregation about it, also not gay. Donnie McClurkin, the platinum selling gospel singer who said that even though he has engaged in homosexual activity in the past that God has delivered him from it, he's not gay either. Most people would say "Oh, he's just a closet case!", "Oh, he's lying! He knows he likes dick/ass etc." These naysayers may actually be correct in the fact they may enjoy certain homosexual activities behind closed doors, but that still doesn't make them gay. To say that they are gay is to say that being gay is equated with homosexual activity and as lovely as homosexual activity is I know that being gay is about way more than that.

Most people, myself included, often use the words "homosexual" and "gay" synonymously, interchangeably even, we all do this in error. Homosexuality is a very simple concept, the word defines itself. Homo, meaning same, sexuality, a derivative of sex. Put them together and you get, same sex. People who are in the act of having sex with someone else of the the same sex are homosexuals, meaning that you are only a homosexual for as long as that sex act lasts, literally only while your having sex. So if two, under regular circumstances, "straight" men are in jail cell engaging in a homosexual act for a half hour then for that half hour they are homosexuals. Just as if I were to have sex with a woman, for that time I would be a heterosexual, a person engaging in sex with a person of the opposite sex. My having sex with a woman wouldn't make me any less gay as the gay sex between our inmate friends wouldn't make them any less straight. Homosexuality and heterosexuality pertain to acts of the body and are purely physical.

Gay and straight however are states of mind, cultures even, that are voluntarily embraced and cultivated over time. Contrary to what the church people and most gay activists believe I believe that no one is born straight or gay. We are born though with a physiological affinity toward one sex as opposed to the other in the realm of sexuality, deeming us heterosexual or homosexual in terms of sex and sexual attraction. Gay and straight are things that one identifies himself with, a mantle that that person takes on when he's old enough to have an understanding of what they mean. Many homosexuals grow up thinking that they are the only homosexuals in the world until they meet other homos and acclimate into gay society. Yes, gay and straight are societies that are sub-cultures or our larger human society. There are gay themed movies (not porn, given my theory "gay" porn would be a homosexual movie, not a gay movie), clubs, books, television channels, radio shows, holidays, vacations spots, history, websites and blogs (like this one) and all types of media that are considered to be in the category of gay. The same thing applies to that of straight people. Persons who are born with heterosexual or homosexual desires will usually gravitate toward straight or gay culture respectively in varying degrees as they grow and develop a better understanding of their own sexuality as it is human nature for people to seek out others of which they have things in common.

Now of course with this I'm not negating or discounting the sexual element to being identified as straight or gay. While homosexuality and heterosexuality are indeed intrinsic parts of being gay or straight respectively, my point is that they are only a part, not one in the same. Just because someone engages in a homosexual act here and there, to say that simply makes them gay is an insult to the proud gays of the world such as myself, especially if the accused say they aren't gay. There is no such thing as being closet gay or secretly gay. The nature of being gay is to be out. If you are in the closet you are not gay. You are a man who participates in homosexual acts with men from time to time, period.

My philosophy has always been that if a man says he's not gay, he's not gay. Yes he may have participated in a homosexual act or two, or thirty, but if he looks on my gay lifestyle as something to be ashamed of, especially when he's secretly enjoying the sexual aspect of it then fuck him! His punk ass isn't good enough or is strong enough to be gay. Granted, some of the men I mentioned earlier in this post may have been born with that physiological affinity toward the same sex but due to persecution from a religious organization or the pressure to homogenize themselves into straight society have decided to engage in the homosexual acts that they're drawn to while not living the associated gay lifestyle and that is they're problem. If in fact they are sexually attracted to men they would probably have much happier lives just being gay (like former New Jersey Senator Jim McGreevey realized, of course a wife, a daughter and a scandal too late) but if they and any other down low men want to struggle to hold together a double life until it crumbles to pieces like Jim McGreevey did, be my guest, but until they're out they still aren't gay.

So who is gay you ask? A gay person is someone who is open about their homosexuality and it doesn't necessarily mean that they are sexually active. Contrary to the beliefs of most homophobes, my mama included, having sex doesn't make you gay, or straight either for that matter. There are gay virgins just as much as there are straight virgins. To be open about your homosexuality doesn't mean that you have to wear a sign that says "I'm gay" (you can if you want) or act extraordinarily flamboyant as to fit into the straight person's stereotype of what gay is, absolutely not. Being gay is about living your life in honesty about who you are, going about everyday as normal. Doimg just that is enough of a contribution to our community. If you wanted to take things to the next level you could support gay causes, businesses and charities, attend gay social activities, do what you can to mentor gay youth, etc., basically anything you would do to support any other culture, club or nationality you belong to.

The gays are a proud people with a rich and colorful history. Like all the other cultures of the world we are progressing with each passing day, growing by leaps and bounds. We also have our share of troubles, we're not a perfect culture, but who is? I for one am very proud to be gay and if there's a homo out there who is ashamed of it, fuck 'em! They aren't really one of us anyway. 

==========
Playing In The Background...
"I'm Coming Out"
by Diana Ross
from the album "Diana"
and
"In The Closet"
by Michael Jackson
from the album "Dangerous"
==========

Last night I was coming home from the gym as I normally do two to three nights a week. I stopped by the supermarket like I always do. I was walking down the street with my cell phone in my hand when I noticed this police officer looking at me strangely. He came toward me and put his hand on my chest. Then suddenly he said:

"Get on the fuckin' ground! Get on the fuckin' ground!"

I'm looking at him in total shock, wondering what in the hell is going on and just knowing that this has to be some sort of nightmare. I could not believe that this was happening to me. As I'm laying on the asphalt in the middle of the street I hear the officer saying with such arrogance and confidence:

"This is the one. This is the one we're looking for. He fits the description."

I'm laying on the ground like I'm paralyzed not wanting to move an inch for fear that I might be shot. Then he handcuffs me, yells for me to get up off the ground and throws me against a wall. As he's holding my back against the wall with one arm, calling for back up to come and revel in his accomplishment. He says:

"Yeah, I knew he was the one. His heart was beating a hundred miles and hour."

'Yeah maybe that's because I just came from the gym, you asshole!' I thought to myself with my face against the wall. As the lights from the squad car shined in my face, partially blinding me. I took deep breaths and remained calm, finding solace in my innocence and impending vindication. Even with my being innocent I knew this cop was crazy, cops are crazy and I this crazy cop for some reason was real sure I was the person he was looking for. I did not know how far things were going to go before I'm proven innocent but my goal was to walk away from this incident unscathed because so many innocent black men in this situation haven't. Squinting my eyes I tried my hardest to see the number of his squad car through the light. I know I would need it to eventually report him. I'll be damned if he's not gonna pay for this. He kept on going saying:

"Yeah, he was trying to pretend like he was talking on his cell phone but I knew it was him."

'What a fucking idiot! He's gon' look like such a jackass when he finds out I'm innocent.' I thought. As he sent another officer to rifle through my gym bag for firearms. I heard someone over the walkie-talkie system say that the assailant they were looking for was wearing a green jacket. I was wearing a black leather jacket. How green magically turns into black I don't know. I guess it's the same way Amadou Diallo's wallet magically turned into a gun. Either way I was not trying to find out.

More police units come and the officer employs another officer to hold me up to the wall which is so unnecessary as I'm not resisting at all. As they are readying me for the squad car a female officer walks over to me. I proceed to calmly tell her my name and ask her to take my wallet out of my right pocket to check my identification as Lieutenant Ludicrous never bothered to do so. I'm sorry to say it but women are so much smarter that men. So as Lieutenant Ludicrous continues to boast, mentally clearing a place on his mantle for his commendation, homegirl takes my wallet and runs my ID like she got some damn sense, doing what the fuck he was supposed to do in the first place.

Lo and behold a few minutes later.

"He's innocent, we've got the wrong guy."
She says.

No shit, Sherlock! The officer looks at me with a dumb ass look on his face talkin' about "I'm sorry." You damn right you sorry. As the officers looked at him like the fuckin' dickhead he was, calling half the damn city for some bullshit that his pig ass coulda fuckin' checked six years ago while the real criminal runs free, I told his dumb ass off in the most eloquent way possible.

"I cannot believe this! This is absolutely ridiculous! I have never committed a crime a day in my life! I am a hardworking tax paying US citizen and you treat me like a common criminal!"

"Do you want my badge number?"
He asked, with his foot lodged in his mouth, sounding like a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Yes! Give me your badge number! This is not the last you will hear of this!"

I exclaimed. He gave me a pen and I took his badge number as all the other pigs scrambled back to their cars. I wrote that badge number down and kept his fuckin' pen too! Now don't get me wrong. I'm a law abiding citizen who has never committed a crime a day in his life and under normal circumstances has no problems with the police. It's just that this particular police officer was so pompous and arrogant and so sure of himself that he let it get in the way of following the proper procedure and possibly let a real criminal go free. And he made me lie on the dirty ass ground! Oh hayell no! His ass is gon' pay for that!

I went home that night not sure exactly what to do. Thankfully enough didn't happen to make a federal case of anything. I was just glad to be safe. I was really tight though that they had me out there wasting my damn time 'bout to have my groceries spoil over some fraudulent ass bullshit! I was tryna hurry home and get to bed because I knew I had work early this morning and here goes this shit!

Afterwards I called the only two people I can really depend on in times of trouble, my mama and Mr. Man. My mama said that I should call Al Sharpton because even though I not hurt (thank God) and this obviously wasn't gonna be a federal case or nothing, at least they would know better than anybody else how to file and with whom to file a formal complaint. That's true. A lot of people hate on Al Sharpton and Al ain't perfect but if some injustice happens to you he's the only one that gonna really have your back. He's proven that time and time again. His office coincidentally is right down the street from my house.

I called Al Sharpton's people at his Nation Action Network today. The receptionist answered the phone I told her that I wanted to report a police brutality incident and she was on it. She asked me what state was I from. I told her that I was from right here in Harlem and she transferred me to someone right away. I told the gentleman my story and even though it wasn't national headline news he referred me to a civil rights lawyer that they work with. The receptionist at the lawyer's office answered the phone and told me that the lawyer wasn't there. I told her my story and she texted the lawyer my number and he called me back within five minutes. I talked to the lawyer on the phone he told me that he didn't think I had much of a case. I told him that I knew that and that I just wanted to know the best way to file a complaint. He told me that I would need to speak with the New York City Civilian Complains Review Board and if I really felt like I wanted to take things to the next level that I could get the opinion of another attorney. I'm really not tryna be running in and out of court, it's not that serious. I just want want something to go on Lieutenant Ludicrous' record so if he ever tries this again that he gets into some kind of trouble. So even though it sounds like bureaucratic bullshit I'm gonna do my part as a citizen and file my complaint with the New York City Civilian Complains Review Board. It probably won't do much but we'll see. One person can make a difference. If enough people start filing complaints against the Lieutenant Ludicrous' of the world maybe some of these fools will start getting fired. 

And black men, if you ever run into NYPD Officer Rotte (badge number 31049) make sure your heart isn't beating so you won't get arrested.

LINKS:
- Al Sharpton's Nation Action Network
- New York City Civilian Complains Review Board

Robert Jones Jr. of the This Is The Diaspora blog and his boyfriend had a similar experience with the police on Sunday in Brooklyn. The NYPD is getting out of hand. Read his story here.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Fuck Tha Police"
by NWA
from the album "Straight Outta Compton"
==========

==========
I realized that I haven't given y'all a dating update in a while so I thought I'd catch everyone up. New people I suggest you read this and this first.
Get ready 'cuz this is gonna be a long one.

Enjoy.
==========

These past two weeks were busy, yet fruitful, yet very trying ones for me. The coolest thing about posting the story of my life on a blog is that I get to see all of my bullshit in black and white. The even cooler thing about posting the story of my life on a blog as popular as this one is that everyone else gets to see all of my bullshit in black and white and will call me on it if I happen to fall back into it. It's like I've got hundreds of little internet angels watching over me. Like I said before it's so easy to rationalize your bullshit when it only lives in your mind. To put it on paper/internet makes it a tangible, legible thing that you then have no choice but to deal with.

Bad relationship habits, like acne and diabetes are just about impossible to cure. The key is to stay on top of them, giving them daily treatment in order to keep them under control. This treatment becomes a new habit which will eventually cancel out the old habits. Once you realize what your bad habits are, doing things not to trigger them becomes a part of your daily routine just like combing your hair or brushing your teeth, thus creating a new habit. As we have seen from my relationship pattern (read the post about that here) that I tend to like a guy and then start doing way too much, running after him if you will. Then when I don't feel like my efforts are being reciprocated properly I get hurt and out of that hurt I just up and dump the person and replace that person with the next person. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I'm trying my best to avoid that by constantly reminding myself to relax, not rush things, and not take things so personally.

Being a Leo I can be an impetuous and somewhat emotional person. Unfortunately at times I'll let my emotions solely dictate my actions. I'll say or email something that I didn't put as much thought into as a should have, reacting to how I feel and once it's said or the send button is pressed there's no taking it back. My future PR person is gonna be working overtime dealing with me. That's why I usually try to give myself 36-48 hours before I write about an experience on this blog. I try to let all of my emotions run their course before I sit down to write so I'm able to tell the story in the most objective way possible.

Well we left off with CancelCancel and I not dating anymore (read about that in this post). Which brought me down to just dating Pubby. In the last few weeks Pubby and I have gotten closer, scratch that, I've gotten closer to him. But on the Friday before last I guess I got a little too close. I asked him something about where he'd been the night before and why he wasn't answering his phone. I realize that we aren't all that yet and we're both dating different people and maybe I was overstepping my bounds a little but when I call I'm used to used to him answering. I just wanted to know what was up. Maybe he was going through something I could have helped him with? I was actually a little worried about him, this was strange behavior.

So I asked him and he gave me the ol' "Sometimes I just don't feel like talking." line. If I had a quarter for every time I heard that one. Could somebody please tell me what the fuck that shit means? If you like somebody and you say you care about them and they call you why would not offer them the courtesy of at least answering the phone and saying "It's not a good time. I'll call you back later."? Maybe I'm just too nice but you'd think that be the thing to do. Then he proceeds to reiterate the fact that we're not "together" and I have no right to ask him any questions. He snapped at me. This nigga really just snapped at me, like what the fuck!?! So being totally over the whole situation we got off the phone. He called me back a while later and I didn't answer the phone. I was mad at him for snapping at me. I realized that I was letting myself get way too into him and that I would have to make a conscious effort to start being a little more indifferent toward him, thus the poem. Whenever I'm going through something that's when I'm inspired to write poetry and usually my poems take about five to thirty minutes to write. It's like I get this burst of creative energy and I have to write down exactly how I feel at that moment before I lose it. A few hours later he apologized to me via a long text message:

"I do apologize if I came off rather abrupt. Nothing I do is meant to hurt your feelings or is done out of spite. I can be a very blunt person and for the most part I tend to shoot from the hip. It takes a certain type of person to deal with my particular brand of brashness. No offense to you but I need to be me right now... Maybe you should rethink whether this is the type of situation u can honestly deal with. Because like I said u r an amazing guy and the last thing I would want to do is hurt you."

I'm sorry but a good portion of that was total motherfucking bullshit. Why do people feel that they can use being "blunt" and "shooting from the hip" as an excuse not to be nice? That's total fucking bullshit and a total cop out. If someone is nice to you you are nice to them, period. It was good for him to have apologized but he ruined it by then trying to make excuses for his behavior. If you're sorry, you're sorry, period. Making excuses for it made the whole apology half-assed. I was now really over it. I replied.

"It's whatever. Ima let u do u, Ima do me and we'll see eachother when we see eachother, no pressure and u don't have to worry about me being all up under  you tryna find out where u are or why u didn't call. We'll talk when we talk... we'll see eachother when we see eachother. I fully see what it is now and I'm not gon stress it."

For some reason this text message was not getting through to him. I tried three times that Friday night and he still never got it. The time my fucking balls finally drop, the fucking message doesn't go through. Ain't that some bullshit? Waking up that next morning, Saturday I was still mad at him though and was mustering up the courage to remain indifferent. I like him and all that but the hot/cold thing wasn't cool. I didn't deserve that shit. So he texted me that morning, the same day I taped my appearance on Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show and I tried my best to keep things as dry as possible.

P: "Morning sweetheart."

A: "Good morning."

P: "What u up to?"

A: "Writing in my blog."

P: "Cool."

A: "Did you ever get that text?"

P: "No."

I sent him another text paraphrasing the original one I sent. I don't think he got that either so I called him and told him how I felt. He was cool with it. Why wouldn't he be, it was what he wanted. It's not as though what I want is important or anything. About three hours later I receive this text:

CC: "Hey Adam,
It's Cancel Cancel. I just wanted to let you know I got a job. (He was looking for a new job last time we talked) Thanks for all of your encouraging words and hopefully we can be friends again."

A: "Yeah why not, we can be friends. I actually miss ur goofy ass. lol"

CC: "Yeah man I miss you too. I'm really sorry for not showing u the same amount of attention you showed me. I guess I don't know how to let my guard down."

This shit is crazy. Are these dudes relay racing or some shit? It's like as soon as I'm mad at one here comes the other. Do they call each other and plan this shit? Anyway, I'm nice, you know I forgave him. Even after I went all off on him in this post. I even saw him this past Friday. Now are things back to the way they used to be? Hell fuckin' no! As easy as it would be for me to say "Awww that's nice, I forgive you." and forget everything and walk off into the sunset, I'm not. I like him but homeboy still has some shit to prove to me. So I'm kicking off my Timbs, putting my feet up on the dashboard and letting him drive things for a while. It's different for me but I'm doing it. Like I said in the post I'm making sure his ass shows me some damn effort. With that we'll see if he's really serious or not. But I do have to say he's been doing pretty good lately. He's been calling and texting more, stopping by my job to see me or even leaving with me sometimes. We work close to each other and get off at the same time. I'm not getting all caught up but we'll see.

Back to Pubby. We texted each other a little bit that day but I was still doing my best to be indifferent. For most people it's so easy not to care and not to pour out affection but for me it's really hard. I must been doing a decent job though because he texted me two days later, that next Monday:

P: "R u mad at me?"

A: "Nah I'm not mad at u. You've probably noticed that I've been somewhat indifferent w u lately. It's just that I have feelings 4 u. And u don't feel the same for me. And as much as I would like to tell u how much I miss u or how much I wanna hold u in my arms again or how your smile makes me melt. I can't, what's the point? It's hard but I'm making a conscious effort no to do or say too much. I'm just tryna give you space."

P: "I respect that. I respect your feelings. I have no choice but to. I really have no idea what to say."

So I pour my heart out like a damn fool and he has nothing to say... figures. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me and why I like this dude so damn much! That text was an emotional outburst that did not get approval by my mind before going out. Remember what I said about that send button? I don't know why I told him all that. I really regret that shit now. Why the fuck couldn't that pussy-ass text message get stalled in the atmosphere. Even the fuckin' cell phone company is working against me. Even after sending that message at that moment I didn't see Pubby the same way anymore. The lustre was gone, the magic faded. At that moment he became just like every other guy who has trampled over my heart in the past.

From that day the text messages were few and further between. We did have plans to meet up on Friday evening (that's this past Friday, four days ago, I know it's hard but keep up) though because I needed to pick up something from him. I also had my date with Cancel Cancel later that night so I told him that I would need to make things kinda early because I had something to do later. When I saw Pubby that Friday evening. I didn't feel quite the same way about him anymore, sure I still had some feelings for him and he was attractive, shit he was fine, but I made sure to come with extra tight security around my heart that day. I was so guarded that I didn't even hug him when I saw him. He didn't even look the same to me. He even said to me "Oh, I don't get no hug." I hugged him but I made a conscious effort to get down to business and keep it there. He really hurt me more than he realized and I was not trying to get sucked in again.

His friend Alex, came to pick him up from where we were. I needed to get to an ATM so he asked his friend if he could drive me there. That was awfully considerate, but I wasn't gonna think anything of it. When I left the ATM I walked back to the car and was preparing to say my thank you's and goodbyes, go home and get ready for my date with Cancel Cancel and my photo shoot the next day. Then Pubby asked his friend whether he could drive me to the train I needed to take. Okay, now this is weird. Pubby has been so aloof, cold and antiseptic all week. Why is he being so warm now? But whatever, I took the ride. right before I exited Alex's car Pubby said "Have fun on your date tonight." How the fuck did he know I had a date? And what's it to him? And why would he care? As nice as it would be for him to actually show that he was alive and be a bit jealous I knew better than to think that. I have my stupid moments but I'm not that stupid. He ain't been caring that much.

So I had my date with CancelCancel. It was cool, like I said, he seemed to be showing some improvement lately but I'm not tryna get caught up in that. I was already over men that day, all men. We chilled, it was cool. But I didn't think much of it. It was what it was and if it happens again, good, if not, good. Whatever. Like I said, he's in the driver's seat now so we'll see how serious he is.

Saturday I had the photo shoot and it turned out great. You'll see the pictures here probably by the weekend. Pubby had been excited talking all week about this party he was going to that night. And he said that maybe we'd see each other Sunday, that is if he wasn't tired after a whole weekend of partying. A week ago I probably would have been all hyped to see him on Sunday but at this point I was numb and slowly starting to get over him anyway so I didn't really care one way or another and I didn't bother asking him about it again. If we saw each other we did, if we didn't we didn't. I mean our seeing each other was based on a condition, whether he was tired from partying all weekend. As usual Adam is on the back burner, Adam is not a priority even though I go out of my way for everyone else.

I texted Pubby and asked him for the info on that party he was talking about. He made it sound like it was gonna be so much fun so I thought maybe I should go. It was my friend Kevin's birthday that night. I met him and the rest of our people at a restaurant right after my photo shoot. They were going to the party as well. They went straight from the restaurant. I decided to go home and change clothes first. I was planning to arrive at the fashionably late time of 2:30. When I got home I was dead tired. Something told me that I should not go to that party. I already don't like parties and clubs as it is. Against my better judgement I went anyway. One of these days I'ma start listening to my better judgement. 

As soon as I get to the party and step out of the cab, who the fuck do I see but Chuck (I mention him in this post). Chuck is my ex-best friend who is still mad at me because I cut him off abruptly two years ago for being a shady bastard. I even went so far as to apologize to him via email back in July in an effort to move forward and he still is shady toward me. Every time I see his ass in a club or whatever he goes out of his way to speak to all of my friends and not speak to me. I'm like dude, grow the fuck up, it's not that serious, it was like two years ago. I'm not a shady person and to see him and have to be shady is so much work and I really wasn't into it that night. That was the first sign that I shoulda got my ass in a cab and went back home. And then in the party I see this other kid who threatened (yes threated cuz his ass ain't never do nothin') to fight me last year over some dumb shit. And then to top it off, some kid who I chilled with one night and never called me again (I never called him either) came up to me at the party talking to me like we're best friends and shit. I'm looking at him like who the fuck are you? And why the fuck are you talking to me? This was so not where I needed to be.

Pubby was supposed to meet me at the party. I saw Alex but I didn't see him. I was gonna text him and ask him where he was but then I thought 'Fuck that! I'm not looking for him.' I've done enough as far as he was concerned. I finally got callous and dammit I was staying that way! On the bright side I did see a few people I hadn't seen in a while. I stayed at that party a little over an hour. When my best friend Russell said he was ready to go I popped the fuck up like popcorn. I love my friends and it was nice to be with them, especially because it was Kevin's birthday that night, but I could have done without this.

When I got home that night my mind was going a million miles an hour. What the fuck was wrong with me? Why was I so stupid? I was angry. I couldn't sleep and I wrote Pubby a somewhat angry email to his cell phone telling him that I just didn't wanna deal with him anymore. I figure if I just remove myself from him then maybe I'll get my brain back. He was no good for me. I know I deserve someone who will treat me better, or at least treat me like I fuckin' exist. So I wrote it, hit the send button and went to sleep.

The next morning, Sunday morning I was out shopping and I got a call from a strange number. It's Pubby, calling me from his job. He proceeds to tell me that he lost his cell phone last night and that he didn't end up getting to that party until like an hour after I left. That also means that he did not receive the email I wrote him. What the fuck? Why is it that every time I grow some fuckin' chest hair and tell this dude how the fuck I feel something always happens? But you know what fuck that! I'm telling him how I feel right fuckin' now. So I told him that I feel like I need to be away from him for the time being so I could get over him and get my fuckin' mind back because he obviously is not into me like that. He proceeded to tell me that what I was doing was selfish and immature. He's then tells me how much he cares about me and how he doesn't want me to do this. And I'm standing there in a state of shock trying to figure out when he started caring about me so much. All the hardness I worked so hard to build up inside melted away, I crumbled. I reneged on my resolution. I even left the store I was at to go have dinner with him. We talked in a very friendly-like, platonic way about why my relationships never work. He told me that with all the wisdom I have and all the good advice I give to people I never seem to follow it for myself. Oh yeah, that day he found his phone, and my angry email.

For some reason I'm drawn to him and it can't possibly be healthy. Even after our dinner I wanted to do was kiss him and hold him in my arms again. What the fuck is wrong with me? That night, inspired by our conversation I poured my heart into this poem and emailed it to him. I also sent him another email. Both of which never got to his phone Sunday night. We talked on Monday, yesterday morning and he told me that he wanted to read what I had written. I tried all day yesterday, it wouldn't work. After I got home from the gym last night and after having gone through that horrible altercation with the police. I texted Pubby. He called me. I asked him if he had gotten the emails I wrote. You know, the ones where I poured my heart out, again. He said yes. There was silence. I asked him what he thought. He said he had nothing to say... figures.

So if there was anyone out there who thought that I thought that I was perfect, you're wrong. I'm very far from it. After reading this over and cringing at my actions I've just realized that my problem is that I don't fully realize my worth. I deserve so much more and so much better than the situations I put myself in. Not to sound the least bit conceited but I have dudes throwing themselves at me every day, I have people telling me Adam you're great, your writing is great, you're so handsome, you're a great guy, you're so sexy, you're all this, you're all that. The problem is that sometimes deep down inside I don't see it. I see it at times but then again I don't see it. How can I save the whole world and be a mess myself? One of these days I'm gonna realize that everything I need I already have inside of me and not to react out of a fear of being alone. I'm not totally hopeless though, some days are better than others and I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I used to be. Reading my life on this blog definitely helps. There's no way I can rationalize this stupidity. I'm forced to get off my ass and do something about it