So I was on a date with this guy once. We had been dating for a little while and I really liked him. We even had had sex a few times before, it was always great. At that time we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks. I missed him. I missed being around him but I was also horny as hell. We set up a date for the upcoming Friday night. Earlier that week as we talked on the phone and texted back and forth I was dropping pretty obvious hints that I was trying to get some on the night of our date. I basically said everything short of 'I wanna fuck you on Friday night.' I wasn't getting any objections to anything so I assumed all systems were go.

On Friday I assumed my "pre-I'm-getting-me-some-tonight-rituals" of masturbating only once (because as you've already read I masturbate at least twice a day, read that post here) early in the morning as to give my guys enough time to regenerate for the evening's activities, my Kegel exercises (if you don't know about them I suggest you Google them) because nobody likes it when you pop the cork and the champagne doesn't shoot out, I cleaned up the house, changed the sheets, I made sure my Glade Plug Ins Scented Oil Light Show was full because nothing is sexier than walking into a home that smells good. I think I even went to the gym that day. I was ready. I was a lean, mean, fucking machine. All that was left to do was to pick out an outfit, something that looked good but could be ripped off at a moments notice.

So Friday evening comes and we went out to a really nice dinner. Then we went to a club. Things were getting hot and heavy on the dance floor. There was some bumping and grinding, neck sucking, kissing, my dick was hard, everything was lovely. In the club the music was loud so I texted him saying something like "Let's get outta here and go back to my place." He was cool with it. I was excited. I was finally gonna get me some and from him, this guy who I really liked. As much as I sound like a horny dog right now I really did have feelings for this guy. As always, other sexual opportunities presented themselves but he was the one I really wanted.

All during the train ride home there was all this sexual tension. I just wanted to have him right there on the subway train. Obviously we're gay, so I couldn't even kiss the dude without having to fight somebody. Society... two dudes can't tongue each other down on a subway train without a bitch having something to say. Lemme stop, 'cuz gay or not gay I've never really been into PDA anyway.

We get back to my place, lights dim, smelling good, all this sexual tension bubbling over. We start kissing, the clothes somehow come off and we fall into bed. We suck, we lick, we grind, I eat, he's moaning, I eat, he's moaning, I grind, hes' moaning, I suck his neck, he's moaning, I eat, he's moaning, I tease him with the head of my dick, he's moaning, I reach for the nightstand drawer, he stops.

"I don't wanna have sex tonight?"

"Huh?"

"I don't wanna have sex tonight?"

"What?"

There's was no blood left in my brain at that point so I couldn't really reason past one word questions yet. I was starting to sound like 'Lil Jon.

"I don't wanna have sex tonight?"

"Why?"

"Because I don't feel good."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

One of the worse things to happen to a man, especially a gay man, especially a gay man who is a top is to be left with the horrible, terrible, proverbial, blue balls. For a man to get his hopes up, touching, kissing, cuddling, rubbing, listening, paying for dinner, all for that moment when his throbbing hard dick can finally get the satisfaction that his body has been craving all night, all week, all month, all however long it was since the last time he got some, only to be denied at last second is, is, it's just fucked up! I can sit here and look back on all the dates I've made, and all the plans I've made, and all dinners I've paid for, and all the boring ass conversations I've had to sit through, and all the boring ass places I've been dragged to all in the hopes of tappin' that ass. Even with all this work put in whether I will really get some has always remained an uncertainty.

Well this is a new day people! You wanna talk? You want communication? Well dammit, let's talk, I'm ready to communicate. So I've decided rather than assuming, wishing, hoping and praying that I get some I'm just gonna come straight out and ask. I know it's new, it's radical, it's different. Most of our actions in a dating situation usually hinge on assumption, subtle suggestion and inference but lately I've been testing out a more straight forward approach.

The time came for me and this same dude to go out again and before I started doing extra Kegels and push ups and shit I figured that I needed to know what I was, or rather wasn't getting into, so I could govern myself accordingly. As you know I've never done this with someone I've dated before. A few nights before our next date I send a text:

"I've never been this direct before but fuck it... Ayyo, can we have sex Friday night?"

"Yeah that's pretty direct. What happened to ur mack game? Ur supposed to make me want to have sex with you, not ask for it. lol"

You see that. That's that inference, assumption bullshit. I can't make him "want" anything. We're both grown. Either he wants to or he doesn't... for the most part. I'm usually pretty convincing but even with that there ain't that much "mack game" in the world. I laid down much mack game on the last date and you see where that got me. I wasn't taking any chances this time.

"U already wanna have sex with me. I just need to know if it's really gonna happen or not."

"Yeah."

"Thanks :) You see how easy that was... lol"

"Lol yeah yeah"

"There's so many things I wanna do to you..."

"U gonna let me ride u?"

"Hell yeah..."

"Aight cool, can't wait. ;)"

You see how simple that was. Nice and straightforward. Now we have no crazy mismatched expectations from the date. We can go out, have a good time and know we're getting some at the end of the night. Even if he said that he didn't wanna have sex with me I could still govern myself accordingly, like I said. I wouldn't expect anything. The real horror of blue balls is not so much a physical, I'm just horny thing. It's the dashing of expectations and the feeling of rejection that makes it so tragic.

On a more serious note repeated episodes like that, especially in the context of a relationship can lead to the rejected partner (top or bottom) harboring deep resentment toward the other. It can also have damaging effects on that partner's self esteem. Remember, gay or not we're all men and a good portion of a man's self esteem is wrapped up in his sexual prowess. Now I'm not suggesting for a second that anyone does anything that they don't want to do but whenever you don't want to at least take the time to explain why so the other person understands where you're coming from.

===========
Playing In The Background...
"Put Me Down"
by Donnell Jones
from the album "Life Goes On"
and
Sean Paul
"(When U Gonna) Give It Up To Me" feat. Keyshia Cole
from the album "The Step Up Original Movie Sountrack"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

Now y'all know I was going through it last Tuesday when I wrote this post. But that next day and the days following that even into this weekend and this new week beginning I feel great. I'm learning to relax, let go of expectations and just live, more importantly, live for me. I've been doing a lot for myself in the past week and have been putting dating and expectations of happiness and living out the rest of my days with "the one" on the back burner. The coolest thing about it is that it's not even a big dramatic change this time. I promised myself that I wouldn't run after another guy, I slipped up for a second and now I'm back. Like I said in the last dating update post "no angry phone calls, no declarative emails, no proclamations via text message" I'm just relaxing and letting things come to me now.

When I saw Pubby last Sunday he said that he wanted to meet up on Thursday. I agreed but I wasn't gonna put much on it. If I got a chance to spend time with him, I'd be nice but if I didn't I'd live. Given his track record, I didn't expect much. He texted me Thursday morning:

P: "Morning sweetheart"

A: "What's good, sexy?"

P: "Not much.. in class :("

A: "Awww I just woke up."

P: "Lucky you.. It is freezing and raining outside"

A: "Really, I woke up in the middle of the nite 2 close my windows last nite it was dumb cold"

P: "Yes, and I'm severely underdressed :("

A: "U didn't watch the weather report babe?  Maybe it will get better, maybe it's just a morning thing."

P: "Nah I Was running late"

A little bit later I was online checking my various email, Facebook and MySpace accounts I get a message on MySpace from, you guessed it, the Pubster:

P: "Hello sir :)"

A: "Whaddup babe,
I'm about to run out to the gym real quik and get me a haircut so I can be back in time to get the house ready 4 ur arrival.
((muah))"

P: "So as you may have anticipated.. I'm not gonna come up after all :( I just can't fathom going home on the train at midnight wearing what im wearing and feeling how I'm sure I'll be feeling..."

A: "Aight, Well I guess no need to rush back then, feel better babe. We'll get up some other time. Just him me up n lemme know :)"

P: "I'll hit u when I get home so we can chat... we can have a phone date! :D"

A: "LOL aight babe. ;)"

P: "For real tho I miss u.. wanna see u and hang out.."

Now if this had been last week, I woulda really been tight after having him cancel on me last minute like that. But ever since I wrote and read and reread and reread that blog post from last week and saw the fool I was becoming along with the fact that Pubby started looking different to me anyway ever since that day he snapped on me, it just became real easy to be indifferent about the whole thing. I shocked my damn self. And what was that last line about? Did I read that shit correctly?

Shortly after Pubby canceled on me, CancelCancel hit me up asking me whether I wanted to go out to BBQ's with him that night (they're doing the relay thing again). Now if this were last week I would have jumped at the chance to go out with CancelCancel, especially after Pubby just canceled on me, so in that case the night wouldn't be totally wasted right? Wrong. Why the fuck is a night with me and just me in my house, surrounded by all the lovely shit that I worked so hard to pay for a wasted night? That's bullshit. See, I'm tryna change the way I think. I was already gonna not go to my ab class at the gym that night in order to spend time with Pubby and Lord knows as much as I love me some ribs, BBQ's wasn't gonna do nothin' for my midsection. So I declined his offer, got my haircut, went to my ab class, did some lifting, came home and baked me some low fat buffalo wings and watched "Family Guy". Oh yeah and that phone date Pubby mentioned, it never happened, it's not as though I expected it to anyway.

Friday afternoon I took some more pics with Nathan "Seven" Scott out in Jersey (look out for more collabos between us in the future). After that I came back into the city and stopped by Verlaine, on the Lower East Side to have a drink with a really good friend from school that I hadn't seen in years. The cranberry vodka there is great, it hardly tasted like liquor and it was only four bucks. I scarfed that thing down like it was kool-aid. If I could have stayed there longer I know I woulda been fucked up, like my birthday party, fucked up (read that blog post here), but I had to meet DJ (DJ Baker of the Doo Dirty-Radio Show) who I've said is like my new big brother, at an open mic thingy up in Harlem. He wasn't the only person I was meeting there.

There's this guy who heard my appearance on DJ's radio show. He came to the blog and then he hit me up on MySpace, we messaged back and forth on there, we exchanged numbers and decided to meet up at this event last Friday night. You'd think I meet get hit on via internet by a lot of people, doing this blog but surprisingly I don't. Dont get me wrong, I get my fair share but I wouldn't call it excessive. Anyway back to the guy, he was cool, he's not on nickname status yet, we'll see where it goes. We all, me, him, his friend, and DJ ended up back at my house having a roundtable discussion about relationships into the wee hours of the morning. We were supposed to go to Shelter that night but the time got away from us and we decided against it.

Saturday, I met up with DJ again downtown to be a part of a taped roundtable discussion for to be included in a future radio show. On my way down there I was on the phone with Pubby and he was telling me about all of this dramatic shit that happened at Shelter the night before. I was so thankful that I didn't end up going to Shelter. The last thing I needed to do was to be around more drama, especially after the party I went to last week. While he was on the phone telling the story and just talking about, well, you know, ummm, Pubby stuff, like fashion, clothes, money, parties, being a part of the upper level of the caste system that is the New York black gay scene (which not to sound overly critical, can be a little superficial and somewhat monotonous at times, that is the scene and him talking about it) I mean, hey, I'm gay too and even I have my moments, we all do, but damn! I get tired of hearing about that stuff sometimes. Anyway, I noticed myself drifting in and out of the conversation as though I'd heard it all before and it never was that interesting to begin with. As much as I was trying to hold on he started to notice. He actually stopped a few times to ask me what was wrong with me and to tell me that I seemed disinterested.  Being the person I am I quickly and vehemently denied such accusations as not to sound the least bit shady. Before I would have been so enthralled listening to him go on about these things but I'm not so much anymore.

Actually I think that this is what it is. When I first met Pubby I knew full well that he was a scenester. He's a pretty boy. He looks good and he knows it. He knows people and people know him on the scene. He's used to going out and getting into the clubs for free, he's a snob, and will not associate or interact with with certain people because of it. He's into going out, drinking, partying, socializing, shopping and just living fabulously. I'm the total opposite, I'm not into the scene, I hardly drink or go out, and am pretty much unknown outside of my circle of friends and I'm totally fine with that. I know that it seems as though I'm painting this horrible picture of him and that we're total opposites and in a lot of ways we are and  a lot of our views are different. There are many times during our conversations when I will find myself holding my tongue as not to argue with him. But when we're alone together he's different. He sheds a lot of that public persona and can be a really sweet guy once you get him by himself. Because we haven't been alone together in a little while I haven't really had any tender unmasked moments with him and all I'm getting in our casual encounters lately is the public persona.

After I finished recording the show with DJ, Pubby and I decided to meet up while I was still Downtown. We were walking up the street and my cell phone rang. It was someone whom I've had several phone conversations with and may have been meeting up with later that night after me and Pubby parted ways. It was Saturday night and in true Pubby style he was going out to two or three parties. Me and the caller had a brief conversation as I was not trying to be rude to my present company. As soon as I hung up the phone Pubby said rather angrily:

P: "Do not talk to one of your dates while you're with me! That's disrespectful! I would not do that to you so don't do it to me!"

A: "How did you know it was a date?"
I said with a devilish smirk on my face.

P: "Don't insult my intelligence Adam! If it was not a date you would have said 'it's not a date'"

Silence. We walked up the street in total silence for the next 45 seconds. I'm not sure what the fuck just happened here. Am I in the fuckin' Twilight Zone or some shit? As amused as I could have been at Pubby's slight showing of jealously I was confused. Isn't this what he wanted, no strings, no commitments, just chillin'? Now he's goin' off on me about other dudes. Is it just as simple as I can just do whatever as long as he doesn't know about it? What I don't get is that he coulda had me, all of me, all to himself a few weeks ago and he didn't want that, he wanted to be "free." So now he's free and I'm free and I just got my head bitten off. But, it's all good, I'm not stressing it, honestly, the tinge of jealousy was cool, at least I know his ass is alive.

We ended up at a fast food restaurant where we had a really, really good convo. We laughed and talked about ourselves, our families, gay issues, politics, and other more genuine things. He even shared something with me that he never shared with anything else. As we conversed and I looked into his eyes I remembered why I started to like him so much in the first place. We continued our conversation as walked to the train station together and waited on the platform. We were going in the same direction but on two different trains. He asked me whether I was going out that night. I told him no, because I had to work in the morning. I also reiterated to him that going out wasn't my thing, it was his thing and that he knows that I like to chill at home. To that he said:

P: "Yeah so you can have your hoes come to the house."

A: "I won't even dignify that statement with a response."

He smiled as my train pulled into the station. I embraced him while slipping in a seductive peck on his neck. I hadn't kissed him on his beautiful pink lips in so long. He said that's he'd call me later that night. I smiled and stepped ontp the train knowing better than to expect my phone to ring that night.

Oh what a difference two days make.

==========
Playing in The Background...
"If I Could"
by Dru Hill
from the album "Dru World Order"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Britney Spears
"Blackout"
2007 Jive Records
4.5/5

We've all read the headlines, we've all seen the interviews, we've all winced at the news reports, and we all cringed at the MTV performance. As I read, saw, winced, and cringed right along with you, in the back of my mind though I knew that none of that was what was really important. The real question was, can this bitch still deliver a good album? The answer to that question is a resounding yes. Not only is "Blackout" a good album, it's arguably, but in my opinion her best ever.

One of the smaller, more pertinent controversies surrounding this album is Britney's proclamation that she is a legend, something which is stated twice on the album, once by producer Nate "Danja" Hills and again by herself. Many would argue "How can this pro-tooled pop tart whose studio vocals have more layers than a croissant call herself a legend?" To that  question I ask: Who else could release a single and have it skyrocket into the top 5 with no real promotion, open one of the largest music award shows of the year, give it the best ratings it's had in years, with the most anticipated performance of the year, pushing out some other customarily more deserving previously scheduled performer, mind you still with no physical single or album title, stumble through that performance drunken and out of shape, and still have their album leaked on the internet to so much demand that the record label has to push the album release forward two weeks all while remaining too unbothered to even take a new photo for the album cover (even though she should have because this one is overused and horrid)? There are other pop starlets who are so skinny their collarbones fashionably protrude from their chests and others with five octave vocal ranges who don't even have a fraction of the clout that Britney has or the attention she receives. If that's not a legend I don't know what is? Like her or not, name another bitch who could get away with it?... Thought so.

Of the twenty or so tracks leaked onto the internet, Britney and her collaborators chose, finished and reworked, and retitled a little more than half of them and added on a few new tracks for good measure. Half the fun of listening to the Britney leak was trying to predict which songs would make the cut. All of my predictions we're correct.

Now to the album, it starts off with the ubiquitous, omnipresent, totally unavoidable song of the late summer, "Gimme More", by as it's producer Nate "Danja" Hills calls her "The legendary Miss Britney Spears." We all know it, we all love it, though we still haven't decided which "more" we like best, Britney's short one, the long, deep demonic sounding one, or the almost orgasmic one. I like the orgasmic one myself. I really love the unofficial "Gimme More (remix)" feat. TI, which I wish could get an official release as a b-side or something.

The coolest thing about "Piece Of Me" and the album's closing and only ballad "Why Should I Be Sad" is that these are songs about Britney's life, not written by Britney. While most people would scoff at such a biographical concept I see it as kinda cool. It's almost as though Britney said to the writers "Look guys, you've read the headlines. You've seen the news reports. Ummmm... write a song about me and lemme know when it's done. Kay, love ya. Bye." The vocally morphed, edgy, "Piece Of Me" produced by Bloodshy & Avant has a first line that says:

"I’m Miss American Dream since I was seventeen..."

and a chorus that says:

"I’m Mrs. lifestyles of the rich and famous (You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. oh my God, that Britney’s shameless (You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. extra extra, this just in (You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. she’s too big now she’s too thin (You want a piece of me)"

You notice how she's married to the things mentioned in the chorus but not married to being Miss American Dream? Interesting.

The Pharrell Williams written and produced "Why Should I Be Sad" (aka "Stupid Things") which in a roundabout way basically tells the story of the breakup of Britney, the millionaire, from her, not as wealthy, some would even say opportunistic, ex-husband, Kevin Federline contains this lyric:

"I sent you out to Vegas
With a pocket full of paper..."

Ouch!

"Radar" (produced by Bloodshy & Avant and contains some of the same sounds as Rihanna's hit "SOS") and "Ooh Ooh Baby" (aka "Fillin' Me Up") are the lighter, more poppy songs of the album, one that's mostly filled with dark, hard hitting dance beats that flirt on the edge of R&B. These two songs though are reminiscent of those from past Britney albums, just with racier lyrics. The last one "Ooh Ooh Baby" is penned by Kara DioGuardi, whose writing talents have been utilized by other female pop acts such as Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, and Miley Cyrus aka "Hannah Montana." "Ooh...", though not terrible is the least edgy, polished, or sophisticated of all the tracks and sounds out of step with the other songs. It's the only song that I was surprised to have seen make the cut.

The techno-europop-esque "Heaven On Earth", like "Breathe On Me" from Brit's last album "In The Zone" is another successful attempt by Britney to channel Kylie Minogue. Though I must say this time she didn't do it so hard. There is more Britney on this track than the other one.

"Break The Ice", the second of the album's tracks produced by Nate "Danja" Hills is a dance floor ready, heavy breathing, perfect blend of crunk'n'b and pop. I was expecting Lil' Jon to jump onto the track any second. "Get Naked (I Got A Plan)", another hot Hills collaboration that sounds so oddly close to some of veteran producer Timbaland's recent work that it makes me wonder: Who was whose protégé again? Hills production credits conclude with the dark and sexy dance track "Perfect Lover" (aka "Got Me High"), the club anthem and iTunes bonus track "Get Back" and the boastful "Hot As Ice" (aka "Cold As Fire") which contains this lyric:

"...They're saying thank you very much (uh huh)
Living legend, you can look but don't touch
Cuz I'm (ooh)
Cold as fire baby, hot as ice.
If you've ever been to Heaven this is (twice as nice)..."

There goes that "legend" word again.

Bloodshy & Avant also contribute two more dance tracks to the album. The Fergie-esque, "Freakshow", a repetitive dance number that comes in just under three minutes. The most interesting thing about the song is the male voice that repeats this lyric right after Britney:

"Me and my girls like to get it on
Grab us a couple boys to go..."

Is Britney Spears putting a little homosexuality in an album? I guess it's about damn time, as large as her gay male fan base is. I guess that's why her album was posted in its entirety for previewing at the LGBT cable network LOGO's website as well as MTV. And unlike Beyonce, Britney's acknowledgment of the gay community actually seems genuine. "Toy Soldier", a song whose premise, much like Destiny's Child's "Soldier" is about Brit looking for a man who is gonna take care of her as well. The emphasis in this song though is the man who doesn't, the toy soldier.

In a nutshell, the album is amazing, not like in an avant-garde, snooty, stuck up, pseudo-intelligent, quote-unqoute "artistic" sorta way. It's amazing in that if this album doesn't make you dance you don't have a pulse. It's the slickest, most solid, most edgy, most danceable, most genuinely introspective album of her career and will be lighting up dance floors all over the world for years to come, well at least maybe for the next year.

If you must download, download: "Gimme More", "Piece Of Me", "Break The Ice", "Get Naked (I Got A Plan)", "Hot As Ice", "Perfect Lover"

IN STORES, TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30th!

Buy it from Amazon here.

Website: BritneySpears.com

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Hot As Ice"
by Britney Spears
from the album "Blackout"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

"Oh something missing, the golden shower pissin'.
All up in ya mouth, what? You think I'm kidding?"
-Lil' Kim
from the song "Queen Bitch Part 2"

There's been a lot of talk about water sports aka golden shower (peeing on your partner as a sex act) here lately. Ever since I wrote the post where I told the story about my ex who wanted me to pee on him (I didn't do it by the way, read that post here) it seems like everyone has been asking me about it. It's even been a subject brought up on my recent internet radio and internet TV appearances.

Besides being uncomfortable with it, another reason why I didn't engage in water sports with my ex was because I just simply didn't know how the whole process worked. Where do you do it? How do you do it? What am I aiming for? What exactly is he doing while I'm "showering him with my love?" In the original post I reached out to all of you asking if there is someone out there  who engages in water sports who could tell me how exactly it works. One of you, my lovely readers, emailed me back:

"There isn't any specific set of etiquettes. If someone asks you to give him a golden shower, and you feel like obliging him, then just ask him what exactly he wants done. Every person likes it differently. You gotta ask him to be specific. Although ultimately, for the sake of hygiene, this sort of stuff should be done in a bathroom. Don't even try it on the bed with a plastic sheet cover. Shit don't work like that. How am I supposed to clean my wood floor?

And likewise, at least speaking from personal experience, I know the whole "peeing thing" is definitely not everybody's cup of tea (and I think other fans of "water sports" know this too). So I don't get upset if a person says "no" to me.  If you're not into it, well, c'est la vie. Just say no. If the other person has a sane head on his shoulder, he'd be fine and he'll live and won't get upset. If he throws a tantrum... well, then... he's gotta go!

My boyfriend sometimes wouldn't be in the mood for it, and he'd just say "no". Okay, I'd give it an honest effort and beg him 'cuz he's my boyfriend. I'd be laying inside the bathtub and all, but sometimes he just ain't in the mood. Well, what can you do? Life goes on."
-An AdamsWebLog.com Reader

Even though I still have a myriad of questions, this does at least begin to enlighten me on this whole concept. I also want to apologize to this reader and to all the 'golden showerers' out therefor sounding so judgmental about it when I was asked about it in the "Flawless" video. Who am I to judge you? Again, I apologize.

So in future posts if I ask for your help on something, please don't hesitate to hit me up. And as always if you have something to say about something I post here feel free to make a comment by clicking on the "Comments" link after each post.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Queen Bitch Part 2"
by Lil' Kim
from the album "Notorious KIM"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Hey Y'all!

I just wanted to take this time to thank you all for reading and supporting this blog.

The response to the "Flawless" video has been overwhelming!

I'm glad everyone liked it so much.

I was even contacted by FlavaMen (the porn magazine) to consider modeling for them.

As flattering as that offer was, of course I declined.

And a new record for daily hits to the site was set yesterday!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I just wanna take this time out shout out a few people (in no particular order).

I wanna start by thanking GOD. I know a lot of people would say that I sound like one of those gangsta rappers at the source awards right now. How could I possibly thank GOD as I write about homosexuality? You see that, I just did. Thanks GOD for leading me to my passion (writing). You know I've tried so many other things just to get to where I am now and you've been with me through them all. Thank you for keeping me safe down through the years in spite of all the crazy things I've done. You are the only reason why I'm not dead or terminally ill today. The church folks would say that a homo like me wouldn't know you GOD, but I'm glad we know so much better. I still believe in you as you never stopped believing in me. Thanks GOD.

I wanna thank everybody who has ever commented or sent me an email. I read EVERYTHING and it's so encouraging, even when you disagree with me. Thanks for the support and the advice. You guys truly are my internet angels watching over me.

I wanna shout out all of the dedicated daily readers and commenters here:
- Seth L. ("The King Of Facebook")
- Naquan (I can set my watch to your daily comments. You are sooooo appreciated.)
- Andrew C. (May the force NOT be with you!)
- Nic
- Kiemie (My best friend since the 7th grade.)
- Christopher Street
- That Dude Big Mike
- Cowboi, SweetP, Japtok, switchblade330, Dean, Nuklehid aka Ms. Catsuit and Heels, vaijy (My fellow Faith Evans fan), FlyMe2Paris (wink, wink), strange fruit, fanka, hotboy06, AimeeToons, Red Simba, ecm, Maddox, Angie1455, and Game from the Janet board. (Thanks for all your support!)
Thank you so much for the visits, comments and emails. I'm so glad that you have made me a part of your lives.

I wanna shout out all my friends in the blogosphere:
(All of their blog links are in the "My Favorite Blogs" section. Check their blogs out.)
- Joey Bahamas (When are you coming to NYC?)
- Minnesota Steve (I'm honored that you would call me poet.)
- Robert Jones Jr. (My fellow Janet fan.)
- Darian Aaron (I still get hits from your blog. Thank you for featuring lil' ol' me!)
- blac.sapphic
- Andre J. Allen II
- Aaron Morrow (Ima take you up on that offer one day.)
- QueerKidOfColor (Let's just agree to disagree lol)
- Nathan "Seven" Scott (Thanks for EVERYTHING!)
- DJ Baker of Da Doo-Dirty Show (My new big bro.)

I wanna shout out all the people in my life who make appearances here. Y'all are almost as much a part of the blog as I am... almost.
- Mr. Man (My biggest supporter. Thanks for believing in me from the beginning. I know that couldn't have been easy. Thank you for teaching me how to avoid the paparazzi! You are the template.)
- Mike (My best friend and the only person who lets me use his real name.)
- Russell (My other best friend.)
- CancelCancel (You have a fan base all your own!)
- Pubby
- And all the other dates I've mentioned here. (Thanks for the memories guys!)

Last but certainly not least I wanna thank YOU, whoever YOU are, reading this. YOU make all of this possible!

Thanks again GOD!

If you feel like I have left you out, charge it to my head and not my heart. Don't worry, there will be subsequent shout out posts. In the meantime, feel free to cuss me out in the comments section.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Thank You"
by Walter Hawkins & The Love Center Choir
from the album "Love Alive 4"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

Hey everybody,

I have been picked by the very funny, very talented Nathan "Seven" Scott, executive producer of the wildly popular YouTube series "The & Show" as "The 7 Magazine's: Flawless Man Of The Month" for November 2007. This award is given to movers and shakers and up-and-comers like me in the LGBT community who are doing their thing but incidentally are also not hard on the eyes. I'm very honored that I was chosen given both eligibility factors.

Last Saturday me, Nathan Seven and DJ Baker of the Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show did a photo shoot in Brooklyn at some abandoned train tracks. Those pictures will be featured on "The 7 Magazine" website in November. In the meantime you can check out this YouTube video showing behind the scenes footage from the photo shoot. Hopefully I didn't look too nervous. Seven and DJ are crazy! It was so much fun.

Also check out "The & Show" on YouTube, it's hilarious!

Just in case you have a problem playing the embedded video here here's the YouTube direct link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxTwrWH6mqI

LINKS:
- "The 7 Magazine"
- "The & Show"

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Playing In The Background...
"Yummy"
by Gwen Stefani
from the album "The Sweet Escape"
========== 

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (10) | TrackBacks (1)

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This is my theory. It's not exactly science but I believe it.

Enjoy.
==========

I've said many times before that I'm proud to be gay (I even wrote a whole post about it). For me it's not a punishment, or a circumstance, or a defect, it's a blessing. I have my good days as well as my bad ones just as anyone else does but I don't wish for a second to have been born any other way. Gay, like a Kiwanis club, girl scout troop, poker club, or a tea clutch is something that I take pride in being a part of and I don't take kindly to people being falsely associated with it, especially those that sully it's good name. Just because a man has sex with another man, that does not make him gay.

Larry Craig, you know, the former Idaho senator that likes to suck the dicks of anonymous strangers in airport bathrooms, he's not gay. Ted Haggard, the big Colorado preacher who likes crystal meth and male prostitutes and lied to his family and congregation about it, also not gay. Donnie McClurkin, the platinum selling gospel singer who said that even though he has engaged in homosexual activity in the past that God has delivered him from it, he's not gay either. Most people would say "Oh, he's just a closet case!", "Oh, he's lying! He knows he likes dick/ass etc." These naysayers may actually be correct in the fact they may enjoy certain homosexual activities behind closed doors, but that still doesn't make them gay. To say that they are gay is to say that being gay is equated with homosexual activity and as lovely as homosexual activity is I know that being gay is about way more than that.

Most people, myself included, often use the words "homosexual" and "gay" synonymously, interchangeably even, we all do this in error. Homosexuality is a very simple concept, the word defines itself. Homo, meaning same, sexuality, a derivative of sex. Put them together and you get, same sex. People who are in the act of having sex with someone else of the the same sex are homosexuals, meaning that you are only a homosexual for as long as that sex act lasts, literally only while your having sex. So if two, under regular circumstances, "straight" men are in jail cell engaging in a homosexual act for a half hour then for that half hour they are homosexuals. Just as if I were to have sex with a woman, for that time I would be a heterosexual, a person engaging in sex with a person of the opposite sex. My having sex with a woman wouldn't make me any less gay as the gay sex between our inmate friends wouldn't make them any less straight. Homosexuality and heterosexuality pertain to acts of the body and are purely physical.

Gay and straight however are states of mind, cultures even, that are voluntarily embraced and cultivated over time. Contrary to what the church people and most gay activists believe I believe that no one is born straight or gay. We are born though with a physiological affinity toward one sex as opposed to the other in the realm of sexuality, deeming us heterosexual or homosexual in terms of sex and sexual attraction. Gay and straight are things that one identifies himself with, a mantle that that person takes on when he's old enough to have an understanding of what they mean. Many homosexuals grow up thinking that they are the only homosexuals in the world until they meet other homos and acclimate into gay society. Yes, gay and straight are societies that are sub-cultures or our larger human society. There are gay themed movies (not porn, given my theory "gay" porn would be a homosexual movie, not a gay movie), clubs, books, television channels, radio shows, holidays, vacations spots, history, websites and blogs (like this one) and all types of media that are considered to be in the category of gay. The same thing applies to that of straight people. Persons who are born with heterosexual or homosexual desires will usually gravitate toward straight or gay culture respectively in varying degrees as they grow and develop a better understanding of their own sexuality as it is human nature for people to seek out others of which they have things in common.

Now of course with this I'm not negating or discounting the sexual element to being identified as straight or gay. While homosexuality and heterosexuality are indeed intrinsic parts of being gay or straight respectively, my point is that they are only a part, not one in the same. Just because someone engages in a homosexual act here and there, to say that simply makes them gay is an insult to the proud gays of the world such as myself, especially if the accused say they aren't gay. There is no such thing as being closet gay or secretly gay. The nature of being gay is to be out. If you are in the closet you are not gay. You are a man who participates in homosexual acts with men from time to time, period.

My philosophy has always been that if a man says he's not gay, he's not gay. Yes he may have participated in a homosexual act or two, or thirty, but if he looks on my gay lifestyle as something to be ashamed of, especially when he's secretly enjoying the sexual aspect of it then fuck him! His punk ass isn't good enough or is strong enough to be gay. Granted, some of the men I mentioned earlier in this post may have been born with that physiological affinity toward the same sex but due to persecution from a religious organization or the pressure to homogenize themselves into straight society have decided to engage in the homosexual acts that they're drawn to while not living the associated gay lifestyle and that is they're problem. If in fact they are sexually attracted to men they would probably have much happier lives just being gay (like former New Jersey Senator Jim McGreevey realized, of course a wife, a daughter and a scandal too late) but if they and any other down low men want to struggle to hold together a double life until it crumbles to pieces like Jim McGreevey did, be my guest, but until they're out they still aren't gay.

So who is gay you ask? A gay person is someone who is open about their homosexuality and it doesn't necessarily mean that they are sexually active. Contrary to the beliefs of most homophobes, my mama included, having sex doesn't make you gay, or straight either for that matter. There are gay virgins just as much as there are straight virgins. To be open about your homosexuality doesn't mean that you have to wear a sign that says "I'm gay" (you can if you want) or act extraordinarily flamboyant as to fit into the straight person's stereotype of what gay is, absolutely not. Being gay is about living your life in honesty about who you are, going about everyday as normal. Doimg just that is enough of a contribution to our community. If you wanted to take things to the next level you could support gay causes, businesses and charities, attend gay social activities, do what you can to mentor gay youth, etc., basically anything you would do to support any other culture, club or nationality you belong to.

The gays are a proud people with a rich and colorful history. Like all the other cultures of the world we are progressing with each passing day, growing by leaps and bounds. We also have our share of troubles, we're not a perfect culture, but who is? I for one am very proud to be gay and if there's a homo out there who is ashamed of it, fuck 'em! They aren't really one of us anyway. 

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Playing In The Background...
"I'm Coming Out"
by Diana Ross
from the album "Diana"
and
"In The Closet"
by Michael Jackson
from the album "Dangerous"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 03:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (12) | TrackBacks (0)

Last night I was coming home from the gym as I normally do two to three nights a week. I stopped by the supermarket like I always do. I was walking down the street with my cell phone in my hand when I noticed this police officer looking at me strangely. He came toward me and put his hand on my chest. Then suddenly he said:

"Get on the fuckin' ground! Get on the fuckin' ground!"

I'm looking at him in total shock, wondering what in the hell is going on and just knowing that this has to be some sort of nightmare. I could not believe that this was happening to me. As I'm laying on the asphalt in the middle of the street I hear the officer saying with such arrogance and confidence:

"This is the one. This is the one we're looking for. He fits the description."

I'm laying on the ground like I'm paralyzed not wanting to move an inch for fear that I might be shot. Then he handcuffs me, yells for me to get up off the ground and throws me against a wall. As he's holding my back against the wall with one arm, calling for back up to come and revel in his accomplishment. He says:

"Yeah, I knew he was the one. His heart was beating a hundred miles and hour."

'Yeah maybe that's because I just came from the gym, you asshole!' I thought to myself with my face against the wall. As the lights from the squad car shined in my face, partially blinding me. I took deep breaths and remained calm, finding solace in my innocence and impending vindication. Even with my being innocent I knew this cop was crazy, cops are crazy and I this crazy cop for some reason was real sure I was the person he was looking for. I did not know how far things were going to go before I'm proven innocent but my goal was to walk away from this incident unscathed because so many innocent black men in this situation haven't. Squinting my eyes I tried my hardest to see the number of his squad car through the light. I know I would need it to eventually report him. I'll be damned if he's not gonna pay for this. He kept on going saying:

"Yeah, he was trying to pretend like he was talking on his cell phone but I knew it was him."

'What a fucking idiot! He's gon' look like such a jackass when he finds out I'm innocent.' I thought. As he sent another officer to rifle through my gym bag for firearms. I heard someone over the walkie-talkie system say that the assailant they were looking for was wearing a green jacket. I was wearing a black leather jacket. How green magically turns into black I don't know. I guess it's the same way Amadou Diallo's wallet magically turned into a gun. Either way I was not trying to find out.

More police units come and the officer employs another officer to hold me up to the wall which is so unnecessary as I'm not resisting at all. As they are readying me for the squad car a female officer walks over to me. I proceed to calmly tell her my name and ask her to take my wallet out of my right pocket to check my identification as Lieutenant Ludicrous never bothered to do so. I'm sorry to say it but women are so much smarter that men. So as Lieutenant Ludicrous continues to boast, mentally clearing a place on his mantle for his commendation, homegirl takes my wallet and runs my ID like she got some damn sense, doing what the fuck he was supposed to do in the first place.

Lo and behold a few minutes later.

"He's innocent, we've got the wrong guy."
She says.

No shit, Sherlock! The officer looks at me with a dumb ass look on his face talkin' about "I'm sorry." You damn right you sorry. As the officers looked at him like the fuckin' dickhead he was, calling half the damn city for some bullshit that his pig ass coulda fuckin' checked six years ago while the real criminal runs free, I told his dumb ass off in the most eloquent way possible.

"I cannot believe this! This is absolutely ridiculous! I have never committed a crime a day in my life! I am a hardworking tax paying US citizen and you treat me like a common criminal!"

"Do you want my badge number?"
He asked, with his foot lodged in his mouth, sounding like a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Yes! Give me your badge number! This is not the last you will hear of this!"

I exclaimed. He gave me a pen and I took his badge number as all the other pigs scrambled back to their cars. I wrote that badge number down and kept his fuckin' pen too! Now don't get me wrong. I'm a law abiding citizen who has never committed a crime a day in his life and under normal circumstances has no problems with the police. It's just that this particular police officer was so pompous and arrogant and so sure of himself that he let it get in the way of following the proper procedure and possibly let a real criminal go free. And he made me lie on the dirty ass ground! Oh hayell no! His ass is gon' pay for that!

I went home that night not sure exactly what to do. Thankfully enough didn't happen to make a federal case of anything. I was just glad to be safe. I was really tight though that they had me out there wasting my damn time 'bout to have my groceries spoil over some fraudulent ass bullshit! I was tryna hurry home and get to bed because I knew I had work early this morning and here goes this shit!

Afterwards I called the only two people I can really depend on in times of trouble, my mama and Mr. Man. My mama said that I should call Al Sharpton because even though I not hurt (thank God) and this obviously wasn't gonna be a federal case or nothing, at least they would know better than anybody else how to file and with whom to file a formal complaint. That's true. A lot of people hate on Al Sharpton and Al ain't perfect but if some injustice happens to you he's the only one that gonna really have your back. He's proven that time and time again. His office coincidentally is right down the street from my house.

I called Al Sharpton's people at his Nation Action Network today. The receptionist answered the phone I told her that I wanted to report a police brutality incident and she was on it. She asked me what state was I from. I told her that I was from right here in Harlem and she transferred me to someone right away. I told the gentleman my story and even though it wasn't national headline news he referred me to a civil rights lawyer that they work with. The receptionist at the lawyer's office answered the phone and told me that the lawyer wasn't there. I told her my story and she texted the lawyer my number and he called me back within five minutes. I talked to the lawyer on the phone he told me that he didn't think I had much of a case. I told him that I knew that and that I just wanted to know the best way to file a complaint. He told me that I would need to speak with the New York City Civilian Complains Review Board and if I really felt like I wanted to take things to the next level that I could get the opinion of another attorney. I'm really not tryna be running in and out of court, it's not that serious. I just want want something to go on Lieutenant Ludicrous' record so if he ever tries this again that he gets into some kind of trouble. So even though it sounds like bureaucratic bullshit I'm gonna do my part as a citizen and file my complaint with the New York City Civilian Complains Review Board. It probably won't do much but we'll see. One person can make a difference. If enough people start filing complaints against the Lieutenant Ludicrous' of the world maybe some of these fools will start getting fired. 

And black men, if you ever run into NYPD Officer Rotte (badge number 31049) make sure your heart isn't beating so you won't get arrested.

LINKS:
- Al Sharpton's Nation Action Network
- New York City Civilian Complains Review Board

Robert Jones Jr. of the This Is The Diaspora blog and his boyfriend had a similar experience with the police on Sunday in Brooklyn. The NYPD is getting out of hand. Read his story here.

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Playing In The Background...
"Fuck Tha Police"
by NWA
from the album "Straight Outta Compton"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 07:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (11) | TrackBacks (0)

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I realized that I haven't given y'all a dating update in a while so I thought I'd catch everyone up. New people I suggest you read this and this first.
Get ready 'cuz this is gonna be a long one.

Enjoy.
==========

These past two weeks were busy, yet fruitful, yet very trying ones for me. The coolest thing about posting the story of my life on a blog is that I get to see all of my bullshit in black and white. The even cooler thing about posting the story of my life on a blog as popular as this one is that everyone else gets to see all of my bullshit in black and white and will call me on it if I happen to fall back into it. It's like I've got hundreds of little internet angels watching over me. Like I said before it's so easy to rationalize your bullshit when it only lives in your mind. To put it on paper/internet makes it a tangible, legible thing that you then have no choice but to deal with.

Bad relationship habits, like acne and diabetes are just about impossible to cure. The key is to stay on top of them, giving them daily treatment in order to keep them under control. This treatment becomes a new habit which will eventually cancel out the old habits. Once you realize what your bad habits are, doing things not to trigger them becomes a part of your daily routine just like combing your hair or brushing your teeth, thus creating a new habit. As we have seen from my relationship pattern (read the post about that here) that I tend to like a guy and then start doing way too much, running after him if you will. Then when I don't feel like my efforts are being reciprocated properly I get hurt and out of that hurt I just up and dump the person and replace that person with the next person. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I'm trying my best to avoid that by constantly reminding myself to relax, not rush things, and not take things so personally.

Being a Leo I can be an impetuous and somewhat emotional person. Unfortunately at times I'll let my emotions solely dictate my actions. I'll say or email something that I didn't put as much thought into as a should have, reacting to how I feel and once it's said or the send button is pressed there's no taking it back. My future PR person is gonna be working overtime dealing with me. That's why I usually try to give myself 36-48 hours before I write about an experience on this blog. I try to let all of my emotions run their course before I sit down to write so I'm able to tell the story in the most objective way possible.

Well we left off with CancelCancel and I not dating anymore (read about that in this post). Which brought me down to just dating Pubby. In the last few weeks Pubby and I have gotten closer, scratch that, I've gotten closer to him. But on the Friday before last I guess I got a little too close. I asked him something about where he'd been the night before and why he wasn't answering his phone. I realize that we aren't all that yet and we're both dating different people and maybe I was overstepping my bounds a little but when I call I'm used to used to him answering. I just wanted to know what was up. Maybe he was going through something I could have helped him with? I was actually a little worried about him, this was strange behavior.

So I asked him and he gave me the ol' "Sometimes I just don't feel like talking." line. If I had a quarter for every time I heard that one. Could somebody please tell me what the fuck that shit means? If you like somebody and you say you care about them and they call you why would not offer them the courtesy of at least answering the phone and saying "It's not a good time. I'll call you back later."? Maybe I'm just too nice but you'd think that be the thing to do. Then he proceeds to reiterate the fact that we're not "together" and I have no right to ask him any questions. He snapped at me. This nigga really just snapped at me, like what the fuck!?! So being totally over the whole situation we got off the phone. He called me back a while later and I didn't answer the phone. I was mad at him for snapping at me. I realized that I was letting myself get way too into him and that I would have to make a conscious effort to start being a little more indifferent toward him, thus the poem. Whenever I'm going through something that's when I'm inspired to write poetry and usually my poems take about five to thirty minutes to write. It's like I get this burst of creative energy and I have to write down exactly how I feel at that moment before I lose it. A few hours later he apologized to me via a long text message:

"I do apologize if I came off rather abrupt. Nothing I do is meant to hurt your feelings or is done out of spite. I can be a very blunt person and for the most part I tend to shoot from the hip. It takes a certain type of person to deal with my particular brand of brashness. No offense to you but I need to be me right now... Maybe you should rethink whether this is the type of situation u can honestly deal with. Because like I said u r an amazing guy and the last thing I would want to do is hurt you."

I'm sorry but a good portion of that was total motherfucking bullshit. Why do people feel that they can use being "blunt" and "shooting from the hip" as an excuse not to be nice? That's total fucking bullshit and a total cop out. If someone is nice to you you are nice to them, period. It was good for him to have apologized but he ruined it by then trying to make excuses for his behavior. If you're sorry, you're sorry, period. Making excuses for it made the whole apology half-assed. I was now really over it. I replied.

"It's whatever. Ima let u do u, Ima do me and we'll see eachother when we see eachother, no pressure and u don't have to worry about me being all up under  you tryna find out where u are or why u didn't call. We'll talk when we talk... we'll see eachother when we see eachother. I fully see what it is now and I'm not gon stress it."

For some reason this text message was not getting through to him. I tried three times that Friday night and he still never got it. The time my fucking balls finally drop, the fucking message doesn't go through. Ain't that some bullshit? Waking up that next morning, Saturday I was still mad at him though and was mustering up the courage to remain indifferent. I like him and all that but the hot/cold thing wasn't cool. I didn't deserve that shit. So he texted me that morning, the same day I taped my appearance on Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show and I tried my best to keep things as dry as possible.

P: "Morning sweetheart."

A: "Good morning."

P: "What u up to?"

A: "Writing in my blog."

P: "Cool."

A: "Did you ever get that text?"

P: "No."

I sent him another text paraphrasing the original one I sent. I don't think he got that either so I called him and told him how I felt. He was cool with it. Why wouldn't he be, it was what he wanted. It's not as though what I want is important or anything. About three hours later I receive this text:

CC: "Hey Adam,
It's Cancel Cancel. I just wanted to let you know I got a job. (He was looking for a new job last time we talked) Thanks for all of your encouraging words and hopefully we can be friends again."

A: "Yeah why not, we can be friends. I actually miss ur goofy ass. lol"

CC: "Yeah man I miss you too. I'm really sorry for not showing u the same amount of attention you showed me. I guess I don't know how to let my guard down."

This shit is crazy. Are these dudes relay racing or some shit? It's like as soon as I'm mad at one here comes the other. Do they call each other and plan this shit? Anyway, I'm nice, you know I forgave him. Even after I went all off on him in this post. I even saw him this past Friday. Now are things back to the way they used to be? Hell fuckin' no! As easy as it would be for me to say "Awww that's nice, I forgive you." and forget everything and walk off into the sunset, I'm not. I like him but homeboy still has some shit to prove to me. So I'm kicking off my Timbs, putting my feet up on the dashboard and letting him drive things for a while. It's different for me but I'm doing it. Like I said in the post I'm making sure his ass shows me some damn effort. With that we'll see if he's really serious or not. But I do have to say he's been doing pretty good lately. He's been calling and texting more, stopping by my job to see me or even leaving with me sometimes. We work close to each other and get off at the same time. I'm not getting all caught up but we'll see.

Back to Pubby. We texted each other a little bit that day but I was still doing my best to be indifferent. For most people it's so easy not to care and not to pour out affection but for me it's really hard. I must been doing a decent job though because he texted me two days later, that next Monday:

P: "R u mad at me?"

A: "Nah I'm not mad at u. You've probably noticed that I've been somewhat indifferent w u lately. It's just that I have feelings 4 u. And u don't feel the same for me. And as much as I would like to tell u how much I miss u or how much I wanna hold u in my arms again or how your smile makes me melt. I can't, what's the point? It's hard but I'm making a conscious effort no to do or say too much. I'm just tryna give you space."

P: "I respect that. I respect your feelings. I have no choice but to. I really have no idea what to say."

So I pour my heart out like a damn fool and he has nothing to say... figures. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me and why I like this dude so damn much! That text was an emotional outburst that did not get approval by my mind before going out. Remember what I said about that send button? I don't know why I told him all that. I really regret that shit now. Why the fuck couldn't that pussy-ass text message get stalled in the atmosphere. Even the fuckin' cell phone company is working against me. Even after sending that message at that moment I didn't see Pubby the same way anymore. The lustre was gone, the magic faded. At that moment he became just like every other guy who has trampled over my heart in the past.

From that day the text messages were few and further between. We did have plans to meet up on Friday evening (that's this past Friday, four days ago, I know it's hard but keep up) though because I needed to pick up something from him. I also had my date with Cancel Cancel later that night so I told him that I would need to make things kinda early because I had something to do later. When I saw Pubby that Friday evening. I didn't feel quite the same way about him anymore, sure I still had some feelings for him and he was attractive, shit he was fine, but I made sure to come with extra tight security around my heart that day. I was so guarded that I didn't even hug him when I saw him. He didn't even look the same to me. He even said to me "Oh, I don't get no hug." I hugged him but I made a conscious effort to get down to business and keep it there. He really hurt me more than he realized and I was not trying to get sucked in again.

His friend Alex, came to pick him up from where we were. I needed to get to an ATM so he asked his friend if he could drive me there. That was awfully considerate, but I wasn't gonna think anything of it. When I left the ATM I walked back to the car and was preparing to say my thank you's and goodbyes, go home and get ready for my date with Cancel Cancel and my photo shoot the next day. Then Pubby asked his friend whether he could drive me to the train I needed to take. Okay, now this is weird. Pubby has been so aloof, cold and antiseptic all week. Why is he being so warm now? But whatever, I took the ride. right before I exited Alex's car Pubby said "Have fun on your date tonight." How the fuck did he know I had a date? And what's it to him? And why would he care? As nice as it would be for him to actually show that he was alive and be a bit jealous I knew better than to think that. I have my stupid moments but I'm not that stupid. He ain't been caring that much.

So I had my date with CancelCancel. It was cool, like I said, he seemed to be showing some improvement lately but I'm not tryna get caught up in that. I was already over men that day, all men. We chilled, it was cool. But I didn't think much of it. It was what it was and if it happens again, good, if not, good. Whatever. Like I said, he's in the driver's seat now so we'll see how serious he is.

Saturday I had the photo shoot and it turned out great. You'll see the pictures here probably by the weekend. Pubby had been excited talking all week about this party he was going to that night. And he said that maybe we'd see each other Sunday, that is if he wasn't tired after a whole weekend of partying. A week ago I probably would have been all hyped to see him on Sunday but at this point I was numb and slowly starting to get over him anyway so I didn't really care one way or another and I didn't bother asking him about it again. If we saw each other we did, if we didn't we didn't. I mean our seeing each other was based on a condition, whether he was tired from partying all weekend. As usual Adam is on the back burner, Adam is not a priority even though I go out of my way for everyone else.

I texted Pubby and asked him for the info on that party he was talking about. He made it sound like it was gonna be so much fun so I thought maybe I should go. It was my friend Kevin's birthday that night. I met him and the rest of our people at a restaurant right after my photo shoot. They were going to the party as well. They went straight from the restaurant. I decided to go home and change clothes first. I was planning to arrive at the fashionably late time of 2:30. When I got home I was dead tired. Something told me that I should not go to that party. I already don't like parties and clubs as it is. Against my better judgement I went anyway. One of these days I'ma start listening to my better judgement. 

As soon as I get to the party and step out of the cab, who the fuck do I see but Chuck (I mention him in this post). Chuck is my ex-best friend who is still mad at me because I cut him off abruptly two years ago for being a shady bastard. I even went so far as to apologize to him via email back in July in an effort to move forward and he still is shady toward me. Every time I see his ass in a club or whatever he goes out of his way to speak to all of my friends and not speak to me. I'm like dude, grow the fuck up, it's not that serious, it was like two years ago. I'm not a shady person and to see him and have to be shady is so much work and I really wasn't into it that night. That was the first sign that I shoulda got my ass in a cab and went back home. And then in the party I see this other kid who threatened (yes threated cuz his ass ain't never do nothin') to fight me last year over some dumb shit. And then to top it off, some kid who I chilled with one night and never called me again (I never called him either) came up to me at the party talking to me like we're best friends and shit. I'm looking at him like who the fuck are you? And why the fuck are you talking to me? This was so not where I needed to be.

Pubby was supposed to meet me at the party. I saw Alex but I didn't see him. I was gonna text him and ask him where he was but then I thought 'Fuck that! I'm not looking for him.' I've done enough as far as he was concerned. I finally got callous and dammit I was staying that way! On the bright side I did see a few people I hadn't seen in a while. I stayed at that party a little over an hour. When my best friend Russell said he was ready to go I popped the fuck up like popcorn. I love my friends and it was nice to be with them, especially because it was Kevin's birthday that night, but I could have done without this.

When I got home that night my mind was going a million miles an hour. What the fuck was wrong with me? Why was I so stupid? I was angry. I couldn't sleep and I wrote Pubby a somewhat angry email to his cell phone telling him that I just didn't wanna deal with him anymore. I figure if I just remove myself from him then maybe I'll get my brain back. He was no good for me. I know I deserve someone who will treat me better, or at least treat me like I fuckin' exist. So I wrote it, hit the send button and went to sleep.

The next morning, Sunday morning I was out shopping and I got a call from a strange number. It's Pubby, calling me from his job. He proceeds to tell me that he lost his cell phone last night and that he didn't end up getting to that party until like an hour after I left. That also means that he did not receive the email I wrote him. What the fuck? Why is it that every time I grow some fuckin' chest hair and tell this dude how the fuck I feel something always happens? But you know what fuck that! I'm telling him how I feel right fuckin' now. So I told him that I feel like I need to be away from him for the time being so I could get over him and get my fuckin' mind back because he obviously is not into me like that. He proceeded to tell me that what I was doing was selfish and immature. He's then tells me how much he cares about me and how he doesn't want me to do this. And I'm standing there in a state of shock trying to figure out when he started caring about me so much. All the hardness I worked so hard to build up inside melted away, I crumbled. I reneged on my resolution. I even left the store I was at to go have dinner with him. We talked in a very friendly-like, platonic way about why my relationships never work. He told me that with all the wisdom I have and all the good advice I give to people I never seem to follow it for myself. Oh yeah, that day he found his phone, and my angry email.

For some reason I'm drawn to him and it can't possibly be healthy. Even after our dinner I wanted to do was kiss him and hold him in my arms again. What the fuck is wrong with me? That night, inspired by our conversation I poured my heart into this poem and emailed it to him. I also sent him another email. Both of which never got to his phone Sunday night. We talked on Monday, yesterday morning and he told me that he wanted to read what I had written. I tried all day yesterday, it wouldn't work. After I got home from the gym last night and after having gone through that horrible altercation with the police. I texted Pubby. He called me. I asked him if he had gotten the emails I wrote. You know, the ones where I poured my heart out, again. He said yes. There was silence. I asked him what he thought. He said he had nothing to say... figures.

So if there was anyone out there who thought that I thought that I was perfect, you're wrong. I'm very far from it. After reading this over and cringing at my actions I've just realized that my problem is that I don't fully realize my worth. I deserve so much more and so much better than the situations I put myself in. Not to sound the least bit conceited but I have dudes throwing themselves at me every day, I have people telling me Adam you're great, your writing is great, you're so handsome, you're a great guy, you're so sexy, you're all this, you're all that. The problem is that sometimes deep down inside I don't see it. I see it at times but then again I don't see it. How can I save the whole world and be a mess myself? One of these days I'm gonna realize that everything I need I already have inside of me and not to react out of a fear of being alone. I'm not totally hopeless though, some days are better than others and I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I used to be. Reading my life on this blog definitely helps. There's no way I can rationalize this stupidity. I'm forced to get off my ass and do something about it.

I woke up this morning and went to work today not sad, not mad, but different, I'm free. No angry phone calls, no declarative emails, no proclamations via text message. I'm not going out of my way anymore. I'm gonna just be, I'm just gonna live. I'm actually so glad to be alive. I could have very well had my life taken from me last night. If I were dead would any of this have mattered? Maybe someone would cry and then life would go on. My life is my responsibility. I have things to do and moves to make. I have goals to meet. That's why I spent my whole day writing this. This blog has given me more than most people have ever given me my entire life and the joy of my life right now is to share my experiences with each and every one of you, whoever will read, that hopefully someone can learn from my mistakes. That someone who has fallen off doesn't get totally discouraged. It happens to the best of us. So let's get back up on that saddle and ride again. Some of us will hobble, some will gallop, some of us will crawl but eventually we'll make it. Old habits die hard and the best way to kill them is to replace them with a new habit. Loving myself and realizing my worth is becoming my new habit.

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Playing In The Background...
"Walk Away"
by Christina Aguilera
from the album "Stripped"
and
"For A Lifetime"
by Teedra Moses
from the album "Complex Simplicity"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 04:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (0)

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I was talking to Pubby about relationships today and why mine never seem to work and in the midst of everything the person told me that the reason why guys probably don't see me as the relationship type is because I give off a strong flirtatious, sexual aura to people when they first meet me. I had to agree that I do and a lot of it I do unconsciously. People even say that about the pictures on the website. What's even funnier was that I was chosen as "Man Of The Month" for an online magazine. I did the photo shoot yesterday and that's gonna be another round of sexy pictures on the site. I guess that part of it is my fault but I gotta promote myself, right? My hope is that the pictures get people here but the words will make them stay.

How I long for the day, for the man who will love me for what's inside my heart. I just finished this poem that I'm gonna share with you all. As I wrote it about two and a half tears streamed down my face. I'm so fucking mad because I am really not the type to cry, but I couldn't help it. As I have said before, it's so easy to write about sex and fucking and all that other graphic shit. It's writing about my feelings and insecurities that's the hardest. So here it is.

Enjoy.
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Behind These Bedroom Eyes...
by A. Benjamin Irby

(Addressed to the man of my dreams, whoever he may be.)

**clears throat**

Behind these bedroom eyes there's a kind and gentle soul.
One that could give you everything if you only cared to know.
There's so many layers, so much more than what you see.
So much more for you to explore deep inside of me.

Behind these bedroom eyes I'm more than just for play.
I can be a whole lot of fun tonight but such more if you were to stay.
I wanna be around for more than just a week.
Unlock the secrets of my heart and I'll be yours to keep.

Behind these bedroom eyes there's a scared little boy.
Doing what he can, trying to be a man, using whatever he can employ.
Trying to patch up wounds inside his heart that were never truly sewn.
Grabbing on to branches, taking chances, deathly afraid of being alone.

Behind these bedroom eyes I wanna fall in love.
Just wanna be the one you need like I was sent from above.
Don't believe all that you've heard, let me tell you how I feel.
I know I have a checkered past but this time the feeling's real.

Behind these bedroom eyes I love to see you smile.
My heart skips a beat every time we meet, baby please stay for a while.
I'd would give up anything just to be with you tonight.
Your touch, your feel, it feels so real and I know that it's right.

Baby if you take a chance you will be surprised.
At what you find, right behind my bedroom eyes.

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Playing In The Background...
"Heaven Sent"
by Keyshia Cole
from the album "Just Like You"
and
"The Wound"
by Jazzyfatnastees
from the album "The Once And Future"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 09:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

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Me and DJ Baker, host of Da Doo-Dirty Radio Radio Show.
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Last week I taped an interview for Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show. Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show is very popular LGBT internet radio show that features people making moves in the LGBT community as well as the blazinest hip-hop and R&B from LGBT as well as mainstream artists. Unlike broadcast radio, the shows are always available on the website whenever you want to listen. The mood of the show is a mix of Howard Stern and Wendy Williams.

DJ found out about me after seeing my now famous "THE SUM OF ALL GAY MEN'S FEARS" post reposted on Darian Aaron's blog. It moved him so much that he sent me an email inviting me to appear on his show. In our conversations prior to my appearance we realized that we had so much in common to the point that we're like brothers from another mother!

Given our rapport I was even more excited to appear on the show. During the interview we talked about everything from the blog, to sex, and more sex, to relationships, tops, bottoms, Viagra, outdoor sex, doing it raw, internet hookups, golden showers, the Golden Girls, Sex And the City, getting played, the size of my dick, nappy pubic hair and everything in between. The conversation is no holds barred, uncensored and at times, downright hilarious. Since he actually reads my blog he asked me about EVERYTHING! Basically it's all the honesty of the blog on the radio. Look out for more things in the future with me and DJ.

Here's a just a few of the questions he asked me:
- Have I ever had sex outside?
- How many times have I had sex?
- Would I sit on my own dick?
- Has a bottom ever touched my ass?

DJ is crazy! The show was so much fun.

Hear the voice behind the blog:
Click here to listen to my appearance on the show
Be sure to leave a comment.

You can also Podcast the interview and download it to your iTunes/iPod to keep. It's free.

Click here to view Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show website and listen to all the shows.

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Playing In The Background...
"Mr. Radio"
by Chrisette Michele
from the album "I Am"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

"...When, you think you're in love,
You only see what you wanna see.
And all I see is me for you and you for me..."
-Mary J. Blige
from the song "Be Happy"

Desperate times call for desperate measures, especially when you become desperate. Love and feelings can cloud your better judgment so much that you become temporarily insane. In your right mind you know that to keep loving and caring and pining over someone who doesn't give a damn about you or feel with the intensity you do is crazy. But when we're infatuated with someone logic as simple as that is hard to grasp. It's especially difficult because in the beginning he used to care and be so loving and attentive and you still cling to those memories, but that's all they are, memories. He may have been great in the past but it doesn't change the fact that he's hurting you today. The longer you stay around him the worse you become, the more damage is done to your psyche. By this time his actions have proven that he's not that interested in you anymore and in staying around him no longer is he hurting you, but because you now know better you are are allowing yourself to be hurt, in a nutshell, hurting yourself.

In another form of insanity we can manufacture feelings and inferences from someone that weren't ever really there. Then we vilify that person for not reacting accordingly to the feelings and inferences that we manufactured. Again, staying a situation such as this only causes us to hurt ourselves once again. The other person serves only as the unknowing catalyst. I've learned that the only thing to do for your own sanity is not to get caught up in casting blame and playing victim but to remove yourself from situations like these by any means necessary. 

I remember this guy I dated a few years ago, one of my first boyfriends, we'll call him Andrew. It was another of my world famous whirlwind love affairs, as I've had more twisters in my life than Kansas. We met online, of course. I thought he was attractive, of course. He was tall, and lightskinned, about six feet, the same height as me. I talked to him on the phone for about five minutes before I invited him over. It was in December I believe, it was snowing outside and we were both bored, we figured 'why the hell not?' He came over and we ended up talking for about four and a half hours until suddenly I kissed him and our clothes just fell off. I didn't fuck him that day but we messed around rather heavily.

So we liked each other and started dating. We'd be on the phone all the time, day and night. He would always come over to my house and chill even though I was still living with my parents who I guess assumed that I was straight. We kinda had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. He felt uncomfortable bringing dudes to his house because like me his family didn't know he was gay but unlike me he was severely uncomfortable with his homosexuality outside of intimate times with me. I shoulda known his ass was gonna be trouble then.

When he would come over we would only mess around a little bit as I felt uncomfortable going all the way at my parent's house. It's not as though I hadn't done it before but by that time my sister had moved back home so I never had the crib to myself and I had no lock on my door. What was weird though was that even though he knew the deal he would still pressure me about sex. That is the first and only time I've ever had a bottom, wait scratch that, a bottom that I actually wanted to have sex with, pressure me, the top, for sex, usually it's the other way around. Shit, now that I'm a grown up and I have my own place I wish that shit would happen again. Alas, it usually doesn't. Don't get me wrong though, I get it, but it's never that easy, I have to spit a little bit of "G" first.

One night though he wore me down. He spent the night at my house. I slept in my bed, he slept on the floor. Somehow around 3am I ended up on the floor with him. He was down there on his hands and knees, spread wide, back arched, ass tooted up it the air ready for me to hit it. After a few unsuccessful attempts we just gave up. He was too tight and I was just not fitting in and I'm sure the fact that I was nervous that we could get caught any second didn't help either. I really did wanna fuck him that night though. About a week or so later I got us a hotel room and I tore that ass up, twice.

Anyway, soon after our evening of coital bliss things started going downhill. He didn't seem to be interested in anything beyond sex. It was the age old story of I started getting attached to him, he started pulling away, he started canceling dates and started becoming harder and harder to find. We played this passive-aggressive game of ambivalence for a few weeks until things finally came to a head.

Sunday, February, 13th, 2005 I was in the car with my father. He was driving me to work that night and I called Andrew. Seeing that I was in the car with my father I made our conversation, well at least my side of it, rather ambiguous. Honestly I think my Dad knew I was gay but I was just playing along. In the midst of our convo I asked Andrew if he was coming to see me the next day. I was off from work and of course it was Valentine's Day (our conversation being ambiguous I didn't actually say the "V" word). This nigga was on the other line on some "What's so special about tomorrow?" actin'-real-dumb-ass-bullshit and I couldn't even react to it the way I wanted to because I was in the car with my father at the time. Now that I think about it I guess spending Valentine's Day with me would be admitting to himself that he really was gay as though sucking my dick and letting me fuck him weren't enough.

We got off the phone and I was furious. I couldn't even concentrate on my work when I got to work I was so mad. So I left the front desk, went in to the bathroom and called him back. Voicemail. I hung up. The bastard didn't even answer his phone. I was so tired of his bullshit. I didn't understand why he was treating me the way he did. What did I do but try to be nice and accommodating? I paced the bathroom floor. looked in the mirror and got my words together for the voicemail I was about to leave. So I proceeded to cuss his ass out and break things off via voicemail.

I felt good about what I did, fierce and independent. I filled my mind with a veritable parade of insults against him. I ain't gon' let no nigga hold me down! Fuck him! I don't need him! He ain't shit! He wasn't all that anyway! I am faggot, hear me roar! After the parade was over and the crowds went home and the ticker tape was all cleaned up, I got real with myself. I knew I had only thought about this breakup for about five minutes before I did it and that it was basically a knee jerk reaction to our conversation in the car. A part of me wanted to take the message back, I mean what if he didn't answer the phone because he was in the shower or talking to his mom, maybe we coulda talked this out, but it's too late, I did it now. I knew I wasn't over him but I was tired of him treating me so badly. So as an insurance measure just in case my will power faltered, 'cuz I know if I heard his voice I'd crumble and be right back with him, I figured I would just find a way to cut off all communication from him. I being desperate took a desperate measure and  erased his number out of my phone and I changed my cell number.

That should have worked and it did for a while but I knew his number by heart. About a month later in a moment of weakness I called him. I fucked up my own plan. So we talked, he said he missed me... bull shit! Long story short, for a few weeks we tried our hand at reconciliation. It didn't work. He was still a confused asshole who didn't love himself for the homo he was so I don't know how I ever expected him to love or care for me. I was a little stronger than I was the last time and instead for hurting over his ambivalence it was just getting on my last nerve. So I sunk to the lowest common denominator and played the revenge card. I told him that I was gonna meet him somewhere so that we could get a hotel room and have sex. That's all he wanted anyway. I had him meet me there and I never showed up. He called and I ignored it. I haven't spoken to him since.

Now you'd think after going through all of that with Andrew that I would have learned my lesson. Oh no not me. Unfortunately I was too hard headed for that.

About a year later I started talking to this guy (he's Person #2 in this past blog post, so we'll just keep that name for him). I'm gonna fast forward through a lot of the beginning part of me and Person #2 as I'm just repeating my same horrible relationship pattern that if you've been reading you kinda get by now. Remember the post about my horrible relationship pattern? Anyway, here we go.

We met on the internet, we talked on the phone, we met up in person a month later, we ended up sleeping together, I ended up developing instant feelings for him, sounding familiar? I would call him and not get him, leave him voice messages and anxiously wait for him to call me back. I remember that my mind used to be consumed with him. Whenever he would finally call or text me back I'd jump at the phone. After the first time he came to see me I was desperate for him to see me again. We didn't meet at my house. I used to work at a hotel where I got free room stays and he came by. That next week an opportunity came along where I would be alone at the hotel again and I called and asked him to come see me. I could tell he didn't mind seeing me but he never had the sense of urgency I had. It was very 'take it or leave it' with him.

Honestly, I knew when I first asked him to come he wasn't gonna make it. I could tell by his voice. This talent, per say is something I still possess today. I can tell by the way a person sounds, by their patterns of speech, whether they are really gonna attend something I invite them to whether it be a date or a social function. Call me a cynic but I have yet to be wrong. Knowing full well his ass was not coming I held on to the smallest glimmer of hope, hold up, lemme not even insult hope like that. I was basically making some shit up in my mind to give my self a false sense of whatever that he may come. He didn't show, he had some bullshit excuse I can't even remember. I remember calling him yet again that night after he didn't show up. I told him how I felt. He told me to slow down, that I was getting to attached to him, that I was too emotional. He was never mean about it though, at least he tried to spare my feelings. I should have retained some of my pride and just left him alone then.

Just when you think I've gotten to the pinnacle, the paramount, the apex of desperation there is yet more, but I couldn't see it for what it was because it came in a different form.

Even after that last phone call I continued to call Person #2. Somehow he ended up inviting me to this party, it was a birthday party for one of his friends at a club. At this time I had really limited experience with clubs and clubbing. I invited my then best friend, Chuck, who I was also going through problems with, out to the club with me for moral support. At that time I was fairly new to the gay scene and Chuck was my only friend. Anytime I went out it was with Chuck. That day I went out and bought a new outfit for the party. I was so excited that Person #2 had invited me to something and that I would be meeting some of his friends. I wanted to look good.

Even though Chuck had previously agreed to go with me due to him wanting to be with his new boyfriend that night he canceled on me at the last minute, like literally an hours before we were supposed to meet up. I called Person #2 twice and didn't get him. I called him again later and I got him, he was with his friends, we talked briefly. He didn't seem too excited at the prospect of seeing me that night. I wanted to talk to him longer but he kinda shooed me off the phone. It was bitterly cold that night and all the circumstances around me were screaming "Adam, stay your ass home you stupid bitch!" but I turned a deaf ear and decided to go out anyway.

I woke up from my disco nap at 12 midinight. I remember while putting my look together in the hallway my mother and sister commented on how good I looked and I did look good. Unfortunately I didn't feel very good. My mind and my heart were so heavy and full of doubt. As I got my look together that night it was hard to look in the mirror. I knew my black ass shouldn't have been tryna go out that night. I knew that this dude wasn't checking for me like that. I should have gone back to bed and saved my outfit for someone who cared. But holding on to good ol' my false sense of whatever I left the house at about 1am.

After walking, taking the bus and walking some more. I got to the club. I paid my money, got patted down and went in. The place was small but crowded. I found Person #2 and we talked for a few moments. It was so good to see him again, being around him caused me to light up inside. Of course, given my inexperience with the scene I knew no one there and I followed Person #2 around like a puppy dog. That is until he shook me off and left me alone. Which he should have after a while. I wasn't his man, we weren't together. Truthfully I really had no business there.

During the course of the night he introduced me to his best friend, the birthday boy. When he introduced us, the birthday boy hardly turned from where he was to shake my hand. I'll never forget the look his friend gave me. It's like he literally could see my desperation. He didn't even look at me, he looked through me. It was such a shady and terrible look that it shook me to the core. He saw me for what I was and knew that I didn't belong there. Granted, I probably read way too much into his look. He could have just been a run-in-the-mill shady ass queen but when you're already feeling insecure or invalidated you become hyper-sensitive to invalidation from others and start to see it everywhere and in everything and from everyone.

Sitting there by myself in that club watching everyone talk and laugh and socialize I never felt so alone. Sure, guys looked at me and flirted with me throughout the night but that's what guys do. I wish I felt half as good as they thought I looked. As I sat on a couch in the corner all these thoughts came racing to my mind, like why the fuck was I here? What the fuck was I doing? I don't know why I didn't just gather my last shreds of dignity and go back home. I stayed until the club let out at 4am. I waited for Person #2 on the sidewalk. He talked to me a little, the birthday boy came by and butted in our conversation as though I wasn't standing there. Person #2 told me that he would have given me a ride home but his car was full. It was a nice gesture I guess, but I didn't expect a ride from him though. I'm not sure what I expected. I just wanted to be with him. One thing about Person #2 was that even though he obviously wasn't that into me he was never really mean about it. Unfortunately that's all a desperate person like me needed to be strung along. And it's not as though he'd be stringing me along, desperate people often read deeper into things than they are and end up stringing themselves along.

I walked to the train station and headed home. Some guy, obviously from the club, flirted with me and asked me my name on the train. My mind so wasn't there right then. I wasn't attracted to him and I was way too sad and tired to humor him that night. On the platform as I waited for the next train in an effort to make myself feel better I blasted Remy Ma's "Conceited" from my earphones. I mean, regardless of how I felt I still looked good, right? I applied that band-aid to my cancer and it was enough to keep me composed until I got home.

When I crept back into the house at after 5am I remember feeling so worthless. Why did I throw myself at yet another man? This time it was even worse because it really wasn't his fault. He told me what the deal was. He wasn't leading me on. He was only being nice. I led myself on. Then I thought about Andrew, and even my friend Chuck, how we used to be so close but he got some new friends and never had time for me anymore. I needed Chuck more than ever tonight. Why am I always having to run, struggle and fight to get attention from people? Why can't people just love and accept me? Why doesn't anybody want me? Why am I always breaking my back to please people and they never appreciate it? Why do I read so much into things? As all those why's ran through my mind I looked up to the ceiling of my dark bedroom a warm tear rolled down my left cheek. I snapped.

I rose from my bed and said "No." audibly. I said it out loud even though no one else was in the room. I didn't need to say it to anybody. I said it to me. I'm not crying over this shit, I refuse. I've had enough.  Fuck this! This is my life and dammit I'm gonna be happy! And if there is someone who doesn't want me then fuck them too. I remember being so angry that I had reduced myself to so little. The anger wasn't about them, granted they had their faults in it. The anger was at me because I let it happen. Here I am at home crying in the middle of the mother fuckin' night while niggas are at home catching zzzz with their fuckin' toes turned to the ceiling. Oh, I don't think so!

A more desperate time called for an even more desperate measure. I picked my cell phone and deleted every number of every friend, associate, one night stand, ex, or ever I felt was not treating me the way I deserved to be treated. Half of my address book was erased and I changed my phone number, again. I basically started all over. No best friend, no boyfriend all I had was my renewed sense of self. I was not gonna let anyone into my life who did not treat me with the utmost respect. I also stopped lying to myself about people's intentions and listening to my own instincts. Because I knew way before the breakups that Andrew and Person #2 weren't good for me but I was so busy wanting them that I didn't listen to what my instincts were telling me.

So the natural question to ask would be, well, you did that before, what is changing your number again gonna do? Absolutely nothing. What I learned from last time was that my number is not what needed to change. I needed to change my mind and the way I thought. This time the number change was just a symbol of my change of mind, instead of an instrument to bolster my will power. It made it much easier to cut off a mass of people at once. I learned that doing the best thing for me shouldn't be an exercise of will power but of brain power.

Last time I also used the fact that Andrew was an asshole as a crutch. I victimized myself. In a relationship between two able-bodied adults you can only be a victim after the first time. If a man hits you, cheats on you, etc., you are only a victim after that first time. Any time after that you know what he's capable of doing and in staying with him you have made a conscious decision to forgive him, to accept it, etc. Which is fine and hopefully he never does it again. Everybody deserves a second chance. But if he does do it again you cannot claim victim status. That's why I was so crazy over Person #2. Going into it I hadn't fully accepted my part in the Andrew situation. Yes Andrew was an a asshole but I made the decision to stay. I figured that because unlike Andrew and he was always so nice to me that it must mean that he was really into me. Therefore when he was trying unlike Andrew was to be nice and let me down slowly I didn't want to see it. I was being totally desperate in both situations, but until the second time I didn't fully own up to it. In order to get over anything in a relationship you have to keep it real with yourself and see your part in it first. Desperation is not about the lies he tells you, it's about the ones you tell yourself.

So I urge you that if you are in a desperate situation, whether the person is really hurting you or you're hurting yourself making yourself believe that feelings are there that aren't you may need to take that desperate measure and remove yourself from the situation in order find your inner strength and build your self esteem. You'll never be able to do that running after some guy all the time. Ask yourself why you feel the way you feel for a person who obviously doesn't feel the same about you. Get real with yourself and accept that you are acting foolishly and don't be afraid to recognize the signs next time around, because no matter how much we lie to ourselves there are always signs that a person is no good for us. We just choose to ignore them. A wise man once said "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Needless to say, from that day forward I started listening to my instincts. I never called Andrew, Person #2, or Chuck again and I have not changed my phone number again.

This situation is what spawned "ADAM'S RELATIONSHIP THEORY".

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Playing In The Background...
"Silly Bitch In Love"
by Olivia
from the album "Olivia"
and
"Feel The Same Way I Do"
by Destiny's Child
from the album "#1's"
and
"Be Happy"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "My Life"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 03:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

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I was working on another blog post when someone emailed me this question in reference to the blog post from yesterday ("May The Force Be With YOU, Not Me...") I stopped what I was doing and answered it. I'll post the one I was previously working on up tomorrow.
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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous you don't even have to give your name.
==========

"Dear Adam,
I'm working somewhere where I'm not happy all the time, but it pays the bills.  I don't really know what I want to do with my life.  I wake up at 5AM M-F to leave my house at 6 to be at work at 7.. I leave at 3 (sometimes.. more so I leave after), I get home at 4 and the mothaf*ckin force is waiting for me when I get home.  I got a pile of clean laundry waiting to be put up.. I've been packing away some items which are still sitting in boxes in my room.. My room as a whole is in disarray.. What do I do?  How do I get motivated to do what I know I need to do..?"
-The Force Is With Me

Dear TFIWM,
The key to getting motivated is to find out what motivates you. We are all motivated by something, money, success, validation, independence etc. and the things that motivate us can all be good for us in their proper dosages. These things can often be just the incentive we need to get off of our asses and do what we need to do for ourselves. There are also certain things that as much as we want to do them they seem impossible simply because we may just need a little help. Sometimes we're not motivated to do things because we're overwhelmed and we simply can't do them alone.

The same way you feel about organizing is the same way I feel about cleaning. I hate it. I'm not a total slob and I manage to keep things somewhat tidy in my apartment but I loathe washing dishes. I avoid it like the plague. My dishes would never get washed if it were up to me. But what I hate more than washing dishes is having friends or a date come over and my sink being full of dirty dishes. So therein I have found my motivation to wash dishes. I don't like looking like a slob in front of other people and it's been proven time and time again that I'm more likely to get some from a date when my crib is clean. Oh look, another motivation.

If taken to the extreme my desire to not to look bad in the presence of others and my desire to get some could get me in a lot of trouble but in this case it's just the kick in the balls I need to keep moss from growing out of my sink. So maybe you should consider having a small gathering at your place. Set a date and invite a few friends over. The date of the party will be the deadline for your cleaning project and because you have publicized it you will be forced to keep it. It can be a celebration of your accomplishment. Or instead of a party maybe you could have a date come over to chill or watch a movie. It's much easier to be charming and romantic when you're not tripping over boxes. Either way you have to give yourself an incentive to get organized. As much as you may want to do something if you don't see the point in it you're not gonna view it as important and because it's not important you will just end up not doing it.

As much as you hate putting way your clean laundry I hate doing my dirty laundry. My gym shorts in my bag right now are dirty and instead of finding the time to wash them I'm gonna go and buy some new ones before I go to the gym tonight. I'm also this way when it comes to my socks. I'll throw socks away and buy new ones before I ever get to a washing machine. At home I let my dirty laundry pile up into a small mountain. And it's not that I'm such a dirty person, and it's not that I don't like clean clothes. It's just that with my day job, and writing, and all of my other activities. I really don't have time to watch my clothes tumble round and round for hours through a big metal machine. So instead of feeling apathetic about it I have enlisted the help of the lady at the local laundromat who washes all of my clothes for me at $0.80 a pound. I realized that I can't do everything and laundry is just one of those things.

Maybe this cleaning and organizing job is too much for you to do alone. Maybe you can call over a friend to help you. And if worse comes to worse do what I did and hire somebody. And if you don't want to part with your money then there's all the motivation you need to get your lazy ass up on your days off, stop making excuses and do it your damn self.

So now that those small things are out of the way you can focus on the big picture, what it is you love to do. You've gotta love doing something. I just hope it's not sex. The last thing this world needs is another black gay porn star. Find your passion and start doing it. Use your current job, even though you're not in love with it (As you will probably never be in love with a job and you shouldn't be. Jobs are not designed with your happiness in mind). Stop dwelling on how bad your job is, think about the positive things about it and use your current job to financially support your passion. And may the force NOT be with you.

-Adam
adamsweblog.com

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Playing In The Background...
"Provider"
by N*E*R*D
from the album "In Search Of..."
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 07:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I hooked up with this guy one night a while back. In the midst of our customary pre-coital conversation (I do talk to them first... sometimes) he said something to me that I never forgot. He said that we are all working against "the force." Some call it gravity, some call it sloth, some call it fear, some call it low self-esteem, some call it satan, whatever you wanna call it, it's the thing that keeps us down. The thing that makes it hard for us to get out of bed or clean up the house or do that extra set of crunches or sign up for those classes at college or wash those three day old dishes in the sink. It's the thing that makes us lose our focus. The thing that makes us lazy. We know that we could be doing better for ourselves. We actually know what to do in order to do better for ourselves but yet we just don't do it because it's easier and safer to just stay where and how we are. Going with the flow and not fighting against the force will lead to us living run-in-the-mill, mediocre lives. That may be enough for some people and that's fine for them, but I want more.

I'm getting older now. I set my 25th birthday (July 28th, 2008) as my goal to know exactly what direction I'm going in with my life. By the time I turn 25 I don't want a quote-unquote "good job", I don't even want a so-called "career." I want my passion, something that I can give to the world that is fulfills me way beyond money. So I asked myself a few questions: What is my passion? How can I change the world with my life? What steps am I taking to make this happen?

Oprah Winfrey says that it's important for us to follow our passion to attain happiness, to spend our lives working, but that work being something we're so passionate about we'd do it for free. Dr. Alan Downs, author of "The Velvet Rage" lists passion as one of his "three legs on the stool of contentment." At  24 years old after many failed attempts I've finally discovered my passion, it's writing.

I've been interested in many things in my life. When I was really young I wanted to be a preacher and a choir director. In seventh grade I wanted to be a pharmacologist. In eighth through tenth grades I wanted to be a graphic designer. In eleventh grade I wanted to be an advertising executive. In twelfth grade the force caught up to me. I got lazy and apathetic and I didn't know what the hell I wanted to do. After high school I eventually ended up going to college on and off for graphic design, music, and hospitality management. Now I'm here, I'm a 24 year old hotel concierge in New York City. I'm proud to be where I am In life at such a young age. Actually when I was hired for my job I was the youngest person in the company and am still the only black male concierge. In the midst of doing all of that stuff I was always writing, keeping diaries and journals, and publishing websites that exhibited my writing. But for some reason I never thought of writing as a lucrative option for me. "Who makes money writing?' I thought.

Because I totally screwed up my last year of high school due to the fact that I just didn't care anymore and I never went to gym, I have a GED (Me, Bill Cosby, Michael J. Fox, Chris Rock, Peter Jennings, and more. Click here for a list of famous GED recipients). That's something a lot of people would be ashamed of, but it never bothered me. I'm actually proud of it. And contrary to popular belief it never kept me from any school I wanted to go to or any job I wanted. I got the second highest score in the history of the GED program I was in, it was almost perfect. With the scores I had I could get into any school I wanted with no remedial classes. There are five portions of the test, I got a perfect score on the writing section. You'd think that after all that I'd see writing was the way to go, I still didn't.

The funny thing about writing is that it was never something I had to really study or work particularly hard at. It was always there, always looming in the background.  I'm no Lord Byron, or William Shakespeare but writing is something I was always just naturally good at and I love to do it. I've been writing since I was like five years old. My second grade teacher, my favorite teacher ever, told me back when I was seven that I was gonna grow up to be a writer and she that wanted me to dedicate my first book to her, which I will. Even at such a tender age, she saw my talent. I think because writing wasn't something I had to learn, or cultivate, or work particularly hard for that I took it for granted. It was always there so I figured it was no big deal.

Fast forward to February 2007, I decide I want to start a blog. Blogs seemed to be all the rage. At the time I knew nothing about blogs and I didn't even have an audience to share my blog with, all I knew was that I wanted to write. I decided that I wanted to write about the thing I knew most about, me. As I wrote and wrote people started discovering the blog and telling their friends about it, it started getting searched by Google and even other bloggers started finding out about me. Now this blog has a solid reader base that's growing every day and so many other wonderful things are happening that I'm not even at liberty to discuss yet, just stay tuned. It's like the famous quote from the movie "Field Of Dreams." "If you build it, they will come."

As hard as I've worked, knocking my head up against the wall to make some of the other things I've been interested in work, why is this writing thing working out so effortlessly? I've discovered that that's the way passion is. It's natural, you don't have to force it. When it's right, it's right. Even the Bible says "A man's gift maketh room for him, and bringeth him before great men." (Proverbs 18:16). In fact, last Saturday I met a great man. At an event for the Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show last Saturday I had a conversation with James Earl Hardy, author of the B-Boy Blues Series, the most prolific black gay fiction series ever. The funny thing is that I knew who he was but I didn't know what he looked like. So as I did my usually talking on and on about the blog I had no idea who I was talking to at first. I gave him a promo card and he visited the blog. He emailed me back and told me that he loved it. It's such an honor to have a real live published author enjoy my work.

Okay, so now that I know what my passion is. The next question is: "How can I use my passion to support myself?" Unfortunately all the passion in the world ain't gonna pay my bills. My not-so long term goal is to write a book, do a book tour, maybe even do some seminars and motivational speaking engagements. My plan is not to necessarily get rich, If it happens, great, if not great, money is not my immediate motivation. I just want to be able to do what makes me happy and not have to worry about punching in and punching out for somebody else.

My job is great. I work for a very liberal company that employs a good amount of gay people. I make pretty good money, especially for someone my age. There are even a few perks here and there. But in the back of my mind as much as I like and appreciate my job, it's just that, a job. It's not even really my job, it's their job. They gave it to me and they have the power to take it away. I'm an employee, employees are employed to make the employer rich. The company I work for is family owned so there's no real chance for advancement beyond where I am (not that I want to advance or anything because I don't). I'm only 24 years old and I've already bumped my head on the glass ceiling. I'm not mad about it though. Things are actually working out perfectly. The same way they use me to make them money I use them and their job to finance my dreams. My work schedule is pretty flexible so I have time to work on my writing and make appearances, etc. Just because I have a goal and I'm focused on it doesn't mean I'm not grounded in reality. Until your passion can make you money you've got to find a way to make ends meet in the interim, hopefully in the easiest most cooperative way possible. The money I'm making now I use toward acquiring tools I'll need to accomplish my goals. I'm supporting my passion until it can support me.

I encourage all of you to find your passion. Think about what you love to do no matter no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to be. Only you can do what you do exactly the way you do it, so do it. Keep working at it and it will make room for you. Find a job that will give you the room and the funds to support your passion. And whatever you do, may the force NOT be with you.

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Playing In The Background...
"Focus"
by Brandy
From the album "Afrodiziac"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 05:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

Hello All,

I just wanted to take this time to thank everyone for all of their support of the blog I really, really, really appreciate it.

I just wanted to share with you some new features of the blog that will make your life a little easier.

You can subscribe to the blog now.
I update here pretty regularly and a lot of you have been telling me that at times it's hard to keep up. To alleviate that problem you can subscribe to the blog to have all the blog posts automatically delivered to your email, or email enabled cell phone or PDA as I post them. Just submit your email address in the box in the upper right corner of the page.

You can email blog posts easier.
Whenever you want to email a post to a friend it's easier than ever. Just click the "Email This" link under the blog post you want to send. Type in yours and your friend's email address and they will get a link to the post in their email, addressed from you.

You can share blog posts with FaceBook friends and post blog posts to the Mini-Feed on your profile on FaceBook.
Just click the "Share On FaceBook" post under the blog post you want to send. FaceBook will give you the option to share the post with a FaceBook friend or post it to the Mini-Feed on your profile.

Check out the new features.

I hope they make your life a little easier.

-Adam

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 07:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

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With this post I'm christening yet another category for the blog, the "Poetry" category. The first things I ever wrote were poetry and songs. I have been writing them since I learned how to write. Oddly enough, there isn't much of my poetry on this blog. There's only one other poem that I've put up here (click here to read that one). My poetry, like my writing is always inspired by real life events. I feel something and they just flow. Most of my poems take probably at most like an hour to write, some I'll write in five or ten minutes. And they all rhyme, I hate poems that don't rhyme. So from now on anytime I'm feeling poetic I'll post here.

Enjoy.

-Adam
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Indifferent
by A. Benjamin Irby

To avoid being hurt, though it's different for me.
Gotta keep my love inside of me.
You wanna do you, I wanna do we.
Even though it hurts, I pretend not to be.
In order to keep my sanity.
I gotta treat you indifferently.

I wanna show my love for all to see.
Give you all I have inside of me.
But you tell me you're not ready.
And this is just the way it's gotta be.
Gotta hold back how I truly feel.
Don't wanna fall for you if it's not real.
Gotta pull back, need time to heal.
Wanna say "I need you babe" but my lips are sealed.

To avoid being hurt, though it's different for me.
Gotta keep my love inside of me.
You wanna do you, I wanna do we.
Even though it hurts, I pretend not to be.
In order to keep my sanity.
I gotta treat you indifferently.

You can call me an actor.
'Cuz I gotta go around playing all these characters.
Inside I'm such a loving man.
But to keep it to myself is so much better than,
To give it to someone who won't appreciate,
So I'll abbreviate, I ain't got no time to waste, and,
I'll take this time to work on me.
Maybe you'll come around, maybe not,
I guess we'll see.

To avoid being hurt, though it's different for me.
Gotta keep my love inside of me.
You wanna do you, I wanna do we.
Even though it hurts, I pretend not to be.
In order to keep my sanity.
I gotta treat you indifferently.

Then you ask me "What's goin' on?"
Why I haven't been myself lately.
I'm not mad just trying to be strong,
Be a little more like you baby.
Can't expect me to call like I used to.
'Cuz you don't feel the same way as I do.
To avoid being hurt, though it's different for me.
I gotta treat you indifferently.

To avoid being hurt, though it's different for me.
Gotta keep my love inside of me.
You wanna do you, I wanna do we.
Even though it hurts, I pretend not to be.
In order to keep my sanity.
I gotta treat you indifferently.

So I guess I'll see you when I see you.
You'll see me when you see me too.
'Cuz that's the way you want it to be.
Maybe indifferent is just too different for me?

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Playing In The Background...
"Get Mine, Get Yours"
by Christina Aguilera
from the album "Stripped"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 05:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

As you know I have given up the whole online dating, sex, hookup thing (read about that in this post). When I told my best friend Mike that I had deleted my BlackGayChat/BGCLive, Adam4Adam, and Men4Now accounts and haven't been online in 22 days, 6 hours, and 29 minutes (it's not like I'm counting or anything) he didn't believe me. I mean, okay, yes, among my friends I had a reputation of being very... well, a whore. I personally don't like that phrase, I think it's ugly, but that's probably the word that they would use. And being said whore the internet was my bottomless... wait, scratch that, that's definitely not the word, it was my... endless, that's a better word, supply of casual sex whenever I wanted it, needed it, or was really bored. But with that gone I haven't been having sex much lately and have gotten back really really tight with an old friend, masturbation.

It's not that I ever stopped masturbating. It has always been a routine part of my life as I jerk off at least once but more often twice a day whether I'm sexually active or in a relationship or not, but now I'm doing it more than ever before. Actually I'm at work now typing this blog post and as soon as I'm done I'm gonna go buy one of those little travel-sized, overpriced, tubs of Vaseline and go jerk off in the bathroom real quick. Oh, don't look at me like that, it's not like you haven't done it. I'll wash my hands afterwards. I know to some of you it sounds crazy but sometimes I can't wait until I get home. I'm horny now and when I'm horny it's hard to concentrate. Even now my dick is at half mast and I'm wearing slacks. Something must be done.

Taking jerk off breaks away from home isn't a new thing for me though. My earliest memory of it was playing with my dick through the pockets of my jeans in the back of class in high school. Sometimes I would cum all down my leg and I'd be sticky all day. I realize that that probably wasn't my best idea so when I get that feelin' I usually head to the nearest bathroom.

I remember going to visit my aunt's house down south every year when I was younger. We would stay down there for a week or two weeks at a time and just like a diabetic takes their insulin and a single woman takes her birth control pills masturbation was an integral part of my daily routine and it definitely wasn't gonna just stop because I was away from home. There was this one time that I was masturbating in my aunt's bathroom after a shower and I ejaculated into the sink. The water's running and I'm thinking that that's a good way to get rid of the evidence, to wash it down the river, so to speak. Well, what I failed to realize was that my auntie had put a little metal net in her drain I guess in an effort to prevents clogs and catch hairs and earrings and other little things that can fall into an open drain. One thing the package probably didn't say when she bought it was that it was great at catching coagulated sperm as well. As I was about to walk out of the bathroom I looked down and noticed all of this white sticky stuff coating the drain net. I pick it up and realized that it was my coagulated sperm. So I spent the next fifteen minutes pulling sperm strings from it. Which if you've ever been in a situation where you've had to remove coagulated sperm from anything you'd know it's harder than Chinese arithmetic. As annoying as that was I'm glad that I realized it before another family member came to use the bathroom, imagine trying to explain that one.

One of the things I love most about me is that when I cum, I shoot. I'm veering off subject here but I actually can't take too much credit for that, the shooting thing, that is because it's not an ability I was born with. I owe that skill along with a lot my sexual stamina and prowess to doing Kegel exercises. I read about them in a sex book when I was like fourteen and have been doing them ever since. They're great, great for men, great for women, great for everybody, Google them. Anyway, yes I shoot when I cum. In a hot steamy sexual encounter it's a blessing, but when you're like sixteen tryna get a quick nutt off, looking out just in case your mom opens your bedroom door it can be a curse.

There was this one time when I was young, it was New Year's Eve and as usual my family was going to church for watchnight service. I laid the suit out that I was gonna wear on the bed. Suddenly I felt the urge, so I sat back in a chair and decided to bust my last nutt of the year. I jerked off until that shit just shot out everywhere. It was great, I made my own balls drop on New Year's Eve. Then I looked over and I saw a white streak of cum right on my suit jacket. Looking at it I could tell it was the first stream too, nice, thick, and long. I panicked. How was I gonna explain this to my Mama aka Jesus' cousin? "Ma, see what had happened was. I was jerking off thinking about boys and nutted all over my church clothes." Yeah, that woulda went over well. So I ran to the bathroom and used everything I could to get that stain out. Thankfully I did, that was a close one.

Masturbation mishaps unfortunately didn't end when I became an adult. Last winter my best friend Russell came up from down south and stayed with me. When he stays at my house we sleep in the bed together (No hanky panky... at least not anymore, You know we had to at least try each other out the first time. Like y'all ain't never tried out a friend before... whatever). Though I hardly had any sleep I woke up a little early for work that morning and as usual my sequoia was standing erect, jutting up majestically from the forest floor, I was horny, but lazy and somewhat half asleep. I know Russell, who was laying on my right with his back turned to me, was sound asleep because we had just gotten home from the club only three hours earlier. Then I looked to the left and saw that the lotion was right there on the floor (where I keep it). So I thought to myself 'hey lemme bust this nut real quick, Russell's asleep, he ain't gon' know'. So I slowly and quietly pulled my dick out lubed it up and jerked it under the covers at a 45 degree angle. Russ didn't move, so I pulled the covers back and jerked out in the open at a 90 degree angle. Then he moved, so I stopped and waited for him to settle. I jerked some more and then he moved again. I stopped. Then he got up to go to the bathroom. I seized the opportunity and jerked wildly quickly busting my morning nutt. When he returned to bed I greeted him and got up and got ready for work like nothing happened.

Later that day we were all hanging out somewhere, Me, Russell, Mike and some of our other friends when he said to me:

"Adam, you so fuckin' nasty!"
Russel scolded playfully.

"What you talkin' about?"

"I knew what you were doing this morning..."
I bust out laughing.
"That's why I went to the bathroom."

"How did you know?"
I asked because he never looked at me at the whole time.
"I did it real light, the bed wasn't moving was it?"

"No! I could hear the sound of the lotion and ya hand sliding up and down ya dick!"

Wow. I didn't know it was that loud. I'm circumsized, I usually like a lot of lube when I jerk off. Me and Russell still laugh about that morning to this day.

This is gonna sound conceited as hell but the reason why I think I jerk off so much is because I'm attracted to me. I turn me on. If I saw me in a club I would definitely try to holla at me. I would take me home and kick my best game to me in a effort to fuck me. And if I were me, well, yeah I am me, even though I am a top I would so let I fuck me. When I'm in the shower all lathered up and feeling on me I very rarely resist the temptation to jerk off. I love the feeling of my dick in my hand, it's such a nice caramel brown and it's heavy with the prettiest mushroom head. When it's hard I like to even like to pinch it under the brim and smack it up against things.

When I step out of the shower I love the way I look standing in front of my sink with my dick in my hand. looking at my chest and my abs and my arms. I'm not Mr. Perfect Body or am the biggest and buffest dude out there but I have my share of cuts and I'm proud of them. I worked hard for every one of them. When I jerk off in front of my sink in the morning (sans drain net) I like to watch my muscles tense, relax and flex as I pleasure myself. I like to see and practice the faces I make (y'all know y'all practice too). The best part though is watching the cum shoot from my own dick, that's hot. Masturbation and being turned on by me has really taught me to love myself in a new way.

Being with myself in such an intimate way has helped me understand that masturbation though viewed as something nasty and sinful in most religious circles is anything but. For me it's actually an almost spiritual experience. I totally understand now what Tweet meant in "Oops Oh My" and what Britney Spears meant in "Touch Of My Hand". I'm learning that for women masturbation is more about the journey than the destination. Women masturbate to find what out exactly what turns them on, what makes them feel beautiful and sexy and the actual orgasm though impending is secondary. For men it's all about busting a nutt. Women unlike men don't view masturbation as the circumstance of not having or losing someone. They see it as an opportunity to find themselves. Maybe that's why even though I'm not having as much sex as I used to jerkin' off is pretty aight. I have my moments but I'm actually pretty good right now. I'm finding myself. Now that I've figured it all out I'm about to go "find myself" all over that bathroom stall.

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Playing in The Background...
"Jerk"
by Next feat. 50 Cent
from the album "Welcome II Nextasy"
and
"Oops, Oh My"
by Tweet
from the album "Southern Hummingbird"
and
"Touch Of My Hand"
by Britney Spears
from the album "In The Zone"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 02:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (14) | TrackBacks (0)

"...If only I could let you go, why do I need you so?
It's amazing what a boy can do, I cannot stop myself.
Wish I didn't want you like I do, want you and no one else..."

"...If only I could set you free, you worked your way inside of me.
It's amazing what a boy can do, I cannot stop myself.
Wish I didn't want you like I do, want you and no one else..."

"...It's amazing what a boy can say, I cannot stop myself
Seems I love you more than yesterday, love you and no one else."
-Madonna
from the song "Amazing"

When I first head this song on Madonna's "Music" album back in 2000 it was just a song, a good song, but just a song nevertheless. I would sing along to "Amazing" bopping my head to the beat and the guitars like it was nothing. It wasn't until I got into my first of a string of unhealthy, uneven, fucked up relationships that these words really started meaning something. That's when I learned that it really is amazing what a boy can do and what's even more amazing is the dumb shit that I would do and the ridiculous lengths I would go to keep said boy.

A few years ago I had ago I had an ex, we'll call him Jack. Jack and I met online. We talked on the internet for a while then we exchanged numbers and had some really hot phone sex after which he told me that he was from Brooklyn but living in a city about 1,100 miles away at the time, going to school. He seemed cool but I never saw the point of getting all wrapped up in somebody who was long distance so I basically stopped talking to him after that. He called a few times though and I just didn't bother answering the phone. Why should I? He wasn't here. What the fuck were we gonna do, have more phone sex? At that time I was too interested in real sex to want to acquire another long distance phone sex buddy. I had enough of those already.

He texted me about a month later and asked me if I remembered him, surprisingly I did. He told me that he'd be in the city soon. I told him to hit me up when he got into town, cutting our text convo short. As I  stated I really didn't have any patience to talk to long distance dates, even the ones that say they're coming to town. I'll believe it when I see it, that was my philosophy.

Obviously he did end up coming to town, he called me and we scheduled a meeting. When we met in person we discovered that we had gone to high school together but didn't know each other as we didn't hang out in the same circles. Jack was my type but I wasn't immediately attracted to him. As the night went on though he became sexier and sexier. Now that I think about it, it's probably because he took that damn durag he was wearing off his head. I hate when dudes where those things outside.

That night we hung out with his friends. They were real cool and we all were just walking through Brooklyn together talking and laughing, enjoying the warm night. Occasionally jack and I would exchange a lustful, flirty glance or two. I was feeling him but I couldn't help but feel like I was being reeled in somehow, not that he was a con artist or anything but from some of the stories his friends shared and from some of his mannerisms and things he said I picked up that breaking hearts wasn't a foreign thing to him. I made a note to myself not to go too fast too soon, to feel his ass out first, figuratively and literally. I remember we were sitting on the stoop of his friend's house when he gave me the naughtiest little look and texted me:

"Take the bus home with me so I can suck your dick."

My dick hardened with anticipation. I was excited and most definitely planned on being on that bus with him. He lived out of my way but fuck it, some things are worth going a little out of your way for sometimes. As I walked him home from the bus stop early that next morning I thought that he may have forgotten the promise he made me only a few short hours ago. I wasn't gonna stress it. I was having a good time with him and would even settle for just a kiss from him. I didn't care what we did I just wanted to be alone with him. All of our subliminal flirting got me so hot and bothered.

When we got to his, well, really his parent's house I walked him in and closed the front door behind me. We were in a small foyer area between the front door and a door that led to the rest of the house. I realized he hadn't forgot. After a few minutes of pleasantries and nervous conversation we kissed and it was fireworks. As our bodies were pressed against each other I groped him. His body felt so good in my hands, his back, his waist, his ass that I gripped and massaged forcefully with both hands. He tugged at my belt, freed my rock hard dick from me jeans, gripped it at the base got down on his knees and said:

"It's even bigger in person."

Then he began to lick, suck, kiss  and deep throat my dick like we were in love and this was our first anniversary, not like he had only met me only six hours ago. He devoured me with no fear or inhibition. He sent shockwaves of pleasure through my body so strong I could hardly stand up. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better he stood up, bent over and said:

"I want you to fuck me."

I dropped to my knees and feasted on his ass as he moaned and squirmed. I wanted to get him lubed up enough so that I could fuck him. Surprisingly I had no lube or condoms on me as I'm usually prepared for dates but who knew the night would turn out like this. I stood up, took my rock hard dick and smacked both his ass cheeks with it and made an attempt to enter him. It didn't work. I was too big to get inside of him without lube. Once we both realized that intercourse wasn't gonna happen, which was the best thing seeing that I didn't have a condom, he took my dick back into his mouth and sucked it ravenously until I ejaculated down his throat. As I tried to regain my composure he stood back up, kissed me, and invited me back over later to chill and of course to fuck.

Later that day I came back over, we chilled and talked and as we conversed I learned more about him. I even started to vaguely remember him from high school. I also remember why we never associated back then. He used to hang with the gay crowd, I didn't. At that time I was not that confident in my sexuality and even if I were I definitely didn't have the balls to hang with the gay crowd, not that I wanted to anyway. One thing led to another and we ended up having glorious, passionate, raw sex. Of course I know fucking raw is risky and just plain wrong, especially nowadays. I was going against my better judgment by doing it but he didn't like condoms and I liked him so I did it.

I remember how I had him in missionary position on the bed stroking him slowly but steadily making his bed creak with every thrust of my pelvis. The looks of pleasure on his face was so beautiful that I couldn't keep my eyes off him. In an effort to quiet things down as his mother was in the next room Jack stopped me and laid out a sheet on the floor and we proceeded to have sex down there. I remember that being some of the best sex of my life. Not because it was raw, but because of him. I wanted him so bad, he was so alluring and sexy to me. I liked him but I also sensed that he was a coquette who probably ate nice guys like me for lunch, I was trying not to fall, not to give him too much of myself but I couldn't help it, it was euphoric. To hear the vulnerability in his quiet moans and feel him grip my body so tightly as I went deeper inside of him was amazing. It gave me hope that maybe he was different, maybe he could be the one. I was falling for him.

From then on we spent just about every day of those next few weeks after that together and if we weren't together we were talking on the phone constantly. Due to lack of opportunity (we both lived at home at the time) we didn't even get to have sex again. Even so we had grown very closely very quickly and as usual in my life that spelled trouble. I didn't want things to end when he left. I told him that he was special to me and that even though we were gonna be apart it didn't mean we couldn't be together. We discussed it, scheduling, visiting, etc., and basically laid the ground work for a long distance relationship (I know, I know, don't look at me that way). The outcome of the arrangement was that we would see each other at least once a month between me going out there and him having school vacations and coming back home. It seemed at the time that our little arrangement could actually work.

So he left to go back to school and that same night I booked plane tickets and a hotel room for three weeks later. We were on the phone constantly for that three weeks. I'd be on the phone with him at work all night and on the phone with him at home everyday. He would tell me about his friends at school. I would talk to them. I would tell him about all that was happening at home. He would always tell me how much he missed me and how he couldn't wait to see me. I remember how we would send each other pictures back and forth and how I would look at his picture in my cell phone and smile and long for the day I would see him again.

As the day I was scheduled to leave was approaching the calls got less and less and I could feel him slipping away from me. Even when we did talk I could feel him backpedaling away from our original agreement. But even with that he was jealous when it came to me talking or seeing other people. Now that I think about it that's probably why he kept me on the phone all damn night all the time. While he was stuck in some hick town I was living here in New York, 'the fine ass ethnic men's capital of the world'. What's crazy is that with all the men here to choose from I only wanted him and here he was casting me aside, but still wanting me to be faithful to him.

He was really hurting me so in an effort to ease my pain I did the only thing I knew how. I went out and got my dick sucked by somebody else. As fucked up as it was, knowing that someone else in this world was attracted to me gave me this temporary pseudo-strength I felt I needed to deal with this situation. Like Popeye, you know, the sailor man? Popeye is to spinach as Adam is to getting his dick sucked, that was my spinach.

As the days passed things only got worse and worse. I wanted to just cancel the whole thing and maybe start something with the kid that had sucked my dick a few days prior. But I had already scheduled the time off work and paid for non-refundable plane tickets and a part of me still wanted to see Jack. All I could think about was the time we spent together and the way I fucked him on the floor of his bedroom, that shit was so amazing. I really wanted to be with him. Needless to say I was panicking. Not only was this hurting my heart, it was wasting my time, and even worse than that, it was costing me money. As much as I wanted him he was pissing me the fuck off.

The night before I was scheduled to leave I was at work and we got into a big argument after which I decided 'Fuck you, fuck this, fuck it! I'm not going'. He basically told me in a nutshelI that I'm basically on my own in his town. That if I saw him I saw him, if I didn't I didn't. He wasn't even gonna stay in the hotel with me. What the fuck was I gonna do in a city that I have never been too, don't know anybody in, and don't know a motherfuckin' thing about? Was he serious? This was no vacation, I was coming to see him. I remember him being such an asshole about it too. He was so aloof. He didn't care that I was putting my whole life on hold to come see him. He made it seem like this was all my big idea, as though we hadn't talked about and agreed to this. Now that I think about it, what the fuck did he have to lose here? We were the same age but here I was working my ass off making a pretty good living for a 22 year old while he was a broke ass college student who was gonna be coming to New York back and forth during holidays regardless. His obligation to me was no more than a bus ride across town while I'm flying across the country. I was the one making all the sacrifices in this deal we made and now he wants to pull the fuck away, ain't that a bitch! Granted, yes I was stupid to think that a homosexual that I knew for only about a month and a half at that time would do something crazy like honor his word.

What was so crazy and hurtful was that I wondered how much of what he was saying this and doing this whole time was real? Was he just faking it the whole time? And If he was faking, why would he? Why is even pulling away like this? What happened, what did I do? As much as I wanted answers to these questions I sure as hell wasn't gonna call his ass back and ask, fuck that. Now is the time for action.

So I canceled the hotel and the plane tickets. The airline said that I could keep half the money I paid for the tickets on hold, something like a store credit. I told my best friend Russell, who lives in a city about halfway between me and Jack the situation and he suggested that I take the bus down and come visit him since I had the time off, I agreed. I also made plans to visit my sisters, who I hadn't seen in a while and happened to live only 90 minutes west of Russell in an effort to kill two birds with one stone.

I'm on the bus in Newark, New Jersey, about 20 minutes outside New York and my cell phone rings and of course it was Jack. I had been ignoring all of his phone calls since the argument and didn't bother to tell him that I was not coming to see him. I thought my hanging up on his fallacious faggot ass would have implied that. But I decided that I wanted to revel in the pleasure of telling him that I wasn't coming, as though he would actually care. I answered. He got on that phone and cried and sobbed like a baby and apologized for everything he said and damn near begged me to come see him. I melted like a suppository in the crack of somebody's ass. I ended up going to see Russell but I cut that trip short and due to time restraints cut my sisters out altogether. I got a refund for my bus tickets to my sister's place and back to New York, bought a new more expensive, last minute plane ticket from Russell to Jack and used the credit I had on hold for a new flight home. I called the hotel and begged them to reinstate my employee rate. All of this costing me more money.

Three days later arrived in Jack's city. I got myself settled and armed with a bus map of the city that I had been studying for the last two weeks I went to pick Jack up from school. And there he was, just as fine as I remembered. Seeing him just made everything okay, the argument, the canceled tickets, the money, everything. We had sex again that next night and it was amazing again. We also fucked raw again which of course is wrong on so many levels. I know I don't talk much about the HIV and STD's on my blog but please don't fuck raw. Every time I think about the times I did it (mostly when I first came out and didn't know any better I cringe). If you're currently practicing raw sex please stop.

All during the trip he would introduce me to people as his "friend", even at the club we went to where dudes were flirting with him left and right. When I questioned him about that and exactly what the status of our relationship was he hit me with the ol' "We're still not in a relationship." one, two sucker punch to the gut. After flipping the bill for everything on that trip, food, the club, cabs, etc. This nigga never even opened his wallet, but I guess you can't pay for anything with cobwebs. Needless to say, I was emotionally and financially spent. I wasn't even so much hurt, I was numb and more importantly low on cash. I just came to the conclusion that this was it. It was over. At least I got my nutt off, right? And now I don't have to sit and wonder what could have been. Jack is officially an asshole, one that feels great stretched out around my dick, but an asshole nevertheless. I fucked him but he flipped me over and ended up fucking me... again, right in between the ventricles.

Oh by the way, I hope you didn't think it was over. So when I got back to New York I made a conscious effort not to speak to Jack. I got with the kid that sucked my dick and of course that ended. Soon after I found my way back to Jack's house and in his bedroom back at the scene of the crime. I found myself in his bed, again, quietly fucking him raw, again (see, you have to stop that shit before it becomes a habit), under his manipulative spell again. I was a little wiser the third time around and did not press any type of commitment or relationship issues. I kept it strictly as sex but I know that if he would have wanted me to I would have still dropped everything to be with him.

Eventually with some time contemplation and deliberate and complete avoidance (sometimes it takes just that) I totally got over Jack. I started to see him for the bullshitter that he was. I don't hate him at all, we'll still communicate via MySpace every once in a while. I've even seen him in the club a few times and he'll flirt with me and it does nothing. I'm totally over him now and when I see him I wonder how I ever got so far under him in the first place and how I ever let him manipulate me the way he did. I also wonder how I fell so deep for Jack and thought that things could actually work with him after knowing him for ten minutes. It truly is amazing what a boy can do, both boys involved.

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Playing In The Background...
"Amazing"
by Madonna
from the album "Music"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

By now you all should know how much I absolutely love Robyn Rihanna Fenty (if you don't read this blog post). And I'm not one of these bandwagon jumping newbies either, all on her jock only since "Umbrella" came out. I've loved Rihanna ever since I heard the first drum beat of "Pon De Replay" back in '05. I look at her meteoric rise to stardom with such pride, knowing that she worked so hard for it. I see her on TV and I hear her interviews and think "What a nice girl? I'm so happy for her."

It has been a joy to watch her grow so much since then. Her look is much more high fashion than it was two years ago ('cuz she looked crazy on that "Music Of The Sun" album cover). Have you seen some of these magazine covers she's been on lately? The camera loves her! After much negotiation with her record label she has been able to fully infused her music with the elements of pop and rock that she has always wanted to incorporate along with her island R&B sound. Contrary to popular opinion, the rock-pop edge of "Good Girl Gone Bad" is not a manufactured concoction of her record label. Rihanna has from the beginning always wanted to branch out with her music but the record label wanted her to play it safe and be the little island girl for her first album back in '05. That next year, when Christina Milian turned down "SOS" Rihanna saw an opportunity and went for it, garnering her her first #1 hit and you know the rest of the story. Even her vocals, though somewhat limited have improved, especially on the ballads. Her rendition of "Unfaithful" at the concert last night was devoid of it's usual nasal-ly vocal character.

I went to the concert with my ex-boyfriend Mr' Man who is like my unofficial event partner and fellow Rihanna supporter (I don't like to use the "f" word). When arrived to the concert we had a choice to stand down on the main level or in the pit right in front of the stage or sit higher up on the back level. We chose the latter. As much as we love Rihanna we really didn't see standing up for three hours squished between a million teenagers for a better glimpse of her or anybody or that matter. So we sat in the back, we were up high but fully capable of seeing everything on stage clearly.

Mr. Man was worried that he would be the oldest person there but he surely wasn't as there were people obviously in their 30's, 40's, 50's and beyond there for the show. I never knew Rihanna appealed to so many different people from so many walks of life, but then again, why wouldn't she? The concert was sold out and packed besides where we were sitting the other two sections were as I said, standing room only and people were still streaming in until a few moments before the opening act. In the darkness all you could see was the sea of illuminated cell phones as the theatre darkened and they introduced the opening act.

Rihanna's opening act was Kat DeLuna who, I'm sorry to say this, just does nothing for me. I heard her album and I didn't like it at all. And hearing live-esque renditions of songs that I didn't like in the first place did nothing to vindicate her. In an effort to not be messy and totally drag her performance through the mud that's all I'll say about that. I'm really mad that the European leg of the tour gets Ciara as a companion act, but I am thankful that unlike the Canadians we didn't have to suffer through a half hour of Akon.

When Rihanna finally did come out it was to much cheering and fanfare. She dusted off her "Umbrella-dominatrix" outfit that you'll probably remember from her performance at the MTV Movie Awards. She started off the show with her debut single "Pon De Replay" and continued into "Break It Off." Unlike Kat DeLuna, Rihanna performed all fifteen of her songs live. But she's been doing that at all of her performances, that was no shock. What surprised me most about the show was the set list. I thought that she would perform all ten of her singles but she left a few off in lieu of some album tracks. The first of these was a rocked-up "Let Me" from "Music Of The Sun", her first album. The next was a beautiful rendition of "Rehab" that the whole audience sung along to (I'm so mad I didn't get video of that!).

After a wardrobe change Rihanna performed "Breakin' Dishes", which of course everybody sung along with as well. Then she switched things up and performed a cover of Bob Marley's "Is This Love". She then rocked out to "Kisses Don't Lie" (one of my favorite songs EVER from her) and stripped down to a sequinned bathing suit and performed a "Fosse-esque" version of "SOS".

She took a seat on stage and in Janet Jackson style she introduced her two backup singers and did an acoustic trilogy of the Ne-Yo penned "Good Girl Gone Bad", "Hate That I Love You" (sans Ne-Yo) and then took to the stage by herself to sing the best rendition of "Unfaithful" I've heard her do yet.

She closed out the show with a hot rendition of the sexy "Sell Me Candy" (another of my favorite songs from her), "Don't Stop The Music", got the crowd all hyped and she donned a racing jacket for a sizzling performance of "Shut Up And Drive."

After a brief intermission and a wardrobe change Rihanna closed the show out with after thanking the audience she sang an extended version of "Umbrella" in which she did an island flavored reprise. Ironically enough it had been raining off and on all day yesterday here in New York so the whole audience opened their umbrellas and swayed them in the air during her performance. The audience sung so loudly that it was a shock that Rihanna got a word in at all.

Last night was not just a concert it was an experience. To see Rihanna grow from almost being overcome by nerves at her MTV Awards performance a few months back to totally owning her stage last night is such a beautiful thing. It doesn't hurt that New York is a big Rihanna town, and just a big music town in general. Besides selling out the Nokia Theatre, everybody goes off when they play her songs in the clubs here, so she definitely was getting much love from the crowd and I know that helps and makes things a lot more fun for her. I could tell she definitely was enjoying herself the whole time. She even promised to "see us again". I know that there is so much more to come from her. Hopefully everyone can catch the tour, if not I hope they at least air it on MTV or something.

Now ya know I got video. Let me warn you, it ain't the best in the world but it gets the job done. Check out the video of "Umbrella" (Part 1) below. For part 2, and the rest of the videos from this concert and live performances by artists like Amerie, Chrisette Michele, Candace Jones and Vivian Green check out the A. Benjamin Irby YouTube Channel. Be sure to subscribe to receive updates.

For the rest of the videos check out the A. Benjamin Irby YouTube Channel.

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Playing In The Background...
"Is This Love"
by Rihanna
from her Live In New York Concert From The Nokia Theatre
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 04:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I like phone sex, not $4.99 a minute, you're only doing this because you can't get a real date phone sex, no, no, nothing like that. I'm talking about hot, steamy, worry-free phone sex with people you'd actually have real sex with but unfortunately you live hundreds, even thousands of miles away from each other and are not nearly naive enough to even make an attempt at a long distance relationship. It's great, no muss, no fuss. We carry on our regular everyday lives and even go in and out of relationships and dating spells and our good ol' phone sex buddy always remains only a phone call away. I know there are people who say 'Why bother with phone sex? It's not the real thing anyway.' That's like asking why bother with masturbation? Who amongst us doesn't bother with that from time to time to time to time? Phone sex is like a masturbation upgrade, Masturbation 2.0, if you will. It's hot, it's audibly voyeuristic, and it won't ever send you running to the clinic, well, I guess that depends on who used the phone before you.

In my life I've had quite a few phone sex buddies, a lot of them being long term over the span of years. Because we go into our phone sex friendship knowing that there's not any possibility of an actual relationship we've already removed the drama and expectations that mess up most tangible relationships. And because the friendship only lives over the phone my phone sex buddies and I have even gone so far as to talk openly and freely about who were dating in our respective vicinities and even give each other advice and it's no big deal. No one's jealous, no one feels slighted, we both know our place, we don't expect more than what we have over the phone. We realize that our tangible relationships always come first. Sometimes we'll talk once a day, sometimes for whatever reason we may let weeks or months may pass without us talking but because we're friends it's easy to pick right up where we left off. Of course there is always the possibility of us meeting and doing something tangible with each other but it's not something we dwell on or even believe or expect so much. Like tangible friendships and relationships every phone sex friendship is different. Let's explore some of mine.

Phone Sex Buddy #1 lives about 600 miles away. We met on AOL over eight years ago and have been talking on the phone ever since. I was 16 and he was 17 the first time we talked and from day one we just clicked. Back then, we were both struggling with our homosexual feelings at the time and I think that even though we never talked about it then we both sensed it in each other that's probably why we got to be so close. I could talk to him about anything and vice versa. We used to be on the phone all night long for six, seven, eight hours at a time. Our conversations weren't sexual at first but slowly but surely we got there. One night we masturbated together over the phone, not talking dirty to each other but listening to each other grunt and moan (that shyt used to be so hot back in the day) we continued and we got to the point where we would time things so we could both cum at the same time. We tried our best to call it everything but gay (every time I think about that I laugh). We just resigned ourselves to simply calling it "that thing we do." Our little late night secret that we only shared with each other (as nobody knew about either of us at the time) really strengthened our bond. After we lost contact for a year or so we picked up where we left off (not talking everyday like we used to though) and ended up finally coming out to each other. Even though I have never touched him and only have seen him in pictures he is way more to me than a mere phone sex buddy. He is one of my best friends. He knows me better than most of the people I see everyday. We're grownups now and I'm dating and so is he so obviously the phone sex aspect of our friendship isn't as important anymore. We are both super busy people in our respective cities and we keep promising each other that one day we'll finally meet.

Phone Sex Buddy #2 was from New York used to go to an Ivy League school about 300 miles away. We met on one of those online dating sites and it said on his profile that he lived in New York but he was actually living up there (don't you hate it when that happens). Disappointed, but still horny I decided, fuck it, let's have phone sex. The phone sex was hot so we kept it going. During phone sex, I'm not sure whether this is a top thing or what, but I do basically all of the talking, vividly describing the situation, as I tell the other person what I want them to do to pleasure themselves. Their response to me would be through the moans and other sounds they make while their pleasuring themselves doing what I tell them to do (jerking off, fingering themselves, etc.). That's basically how things would go with him, but with him that's the only place they'd go. After that first time we had phone sex he really didn't like to talk much before of after. After exchanging normal conversational salutations and pleasantries he would dive right for my dick, so to speak and when we were done he would quickly rush off the phone. There was no friendship developing here, he was the phone sex equivalent of an anonymous guy you meet at the same time, in the same stall, at the same public restroom everyday to get your dick sucked (not that I've ever done anything like that, it's just an example, seriously), except that I actually knew his name. Sometimes he would call me in the middle of the night while he was up trying to write a paper so I could help him get a quick nutt off. He never knew this but sometimes I would have phone sex with him and not even be touching myself I would fake the whole thing. After a while he got vacation from school and came back in the city so we decided to meet up. He seemed a little weird upon meeting him in person, kinda like in that really smart guy who seems a little crazy and that you wouldn't be surprised is a part of a terrorist plot to blow up a landmark kinda weird. He had the house to himself while his parents were at work. We were in his room attempting to mess around and he was all jumpy and nervous, for obvious reasons I guess. Long story short, it was weird, he was weird, no I didn't fuck him, and we never talked again. Some things are better left in Fantasyville.

Phone Sex Buddy #3 is an enigma. He actually lives right here in New York but surprisingly we have never met. We met on the internet and like Phone Sex Buddy #2 I thought he was in New York but he wasn't. He works in a profession the requires him to travel a lot. We talk pretty sparingly and he'll hit me or I'll hit him out of the blue in the middle of the night and in true phone sex buddy fashion we'll continue right where he left off. The coolest thing about him though is that in his pictures he looks all rough and hood but when u get his ass goin' he starts hittin' high notes like Mariah Carey. That shyt is so fuckin' sexy. We have bullshitted our way through half-assed, haphazard, plans, actually talks of plans to meet up for the past two years we've been talking over the phone. For whatever reason it just never happened. In the beginning there were a few times we were really supposed to meet but he would cancel on me or I on him or something would come up (way more on his end than mine) and after a while I just gave up on that and decided to enjoy the phone sex for what it is. I figure after my experience with Phone Sex Buddy #2, maybe it's for the best, but I really did wanna fuck him though. We haven't talked in a while though and the way things are going we probably won't be talking again anytime soon.

I have other intermittent phone sex compadres with whom I keep in regular or rather not so regular contact with as we are all busy living our respective lives. But I know whenever I need them that they're just a phone call away.

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Playing In The Background...
"Phone Sex"
by Syleena Johnson feat. Twista
from the album "Chapter 3: The Flesh"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 04:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous you don't even have to give your name.
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Dear Adam,
I just needed to ask you a question. After reading your blog I decided to get an A4A page and then I met the sweetest dude there. He's really cool and we have so much in common, but he's not the finest person I've met and I'm trying so hard not to be shallow... What should I do? LOL (This is horrible I know)
-Adam4Ugly

The first thing you need to realize Adam4Ugly is that what you're feeling isn't horrible at all, it's real. We're all attracted to whatever we're attracted to and nobody should ever feel bad for not being  attracted to someone for whatever reason. What you should feel bad for though stringing this guy along. I don't know how long you two have been dating but if you have serious doubts about this guy so much so that you would email a perfect stranger and ask them for advice on the situation, my advice would be to cease and desist immediately. It's much better to eighty-six this thing now before things get serious, and his feelings get hurt. Yes his feelings, not yours because given the way you feel it could never be that serious for you.

The main reason why I wanted to answer this specific question on the blog is because I've been down this road before, on both sides (I wasn't always cute). So often we ignore what we feel and figure well, he's "the sweetest dude", it will pass. No it won't pass, it never fuckin' passes. You feel what you feel for a reason. In our attempts to be "nice" and to "not be shallow" and do the so-called "right thing" we suppress how we really feel inside by lying to ourselves. You already know how you really feel. You're obviously not satisfied with him and you won't be unless there's some reconstructive surgery involved so cut the bullshit and just do what the fuck you wanna do. If you don't do it now you're only gonna do it later.

But let's say you decide fuck it, he's ugly but he's "the sweetest dude" so I'm just gonna stay with him, it's "the right thing to do." Okay, so weeks and months go by, good looking guys come along, lickin' their lips, spittin' game, tryna holla hard, you're tempted but you ignore it. You're being faithful to Mr. Ugly because he's "the sweetest dude" and after all it's "the right thing to do." One day y'all get into an argument. Mr. Ugly does something that just gets on your dayum nerves, you're pissed. All the time y'all are arguing you're thinking about all the sexy dudes you let pass by you in an effort to be faithful to him. Then you'll start thinking something like 'I know this ugly motherfucker is not tryna play me. Does he not see that I'm doing his ugly ass a favor by even being with him? I don't need him! Who the fuck does he think he is?'

I'll tell you who the fuck he thinks he is. He thinks he's your man, the man you wanted to be with because you really liked him for him, not just because he's "the sweetest dude." You from the get go in your mind have been putting yourself on a higher level than him because you feel as though a part of him is so wrong that you have to in a sense ignore and desensitize yourself to it (his looks) and  amplify another parts of him (his niceness) in order to stay with him. Everybody you date isn't gonna necessarily be gorgeous and you may not necessarily be gorgeous to everybody you date but if anything is this much of an issue for either of you then it's just not wise to continue things. When you date someone you should be looking for balance, decent looks and decent personality, any extreme in one area over the others is bound for disaster.

The truth is that right now you are basically are pity dating him and whether he really is ugly as hell or you're just blind as a bat and he's actually fine, staying with him while not fully accepting him for all he is is doing him a grave disservice. You're just going to end up hurting him in the long run and given that he's simply just better off without you. Besides I don't think this how you would wanna treat "the sweetest dude" anyway. Break it off nicely by blaming yourself (the good 'ol "it's not you it's me" spiel) and not mentioning your opinion of his looks (because his ugliness is only your opinion) and if you're lucky you both can salvage things and try to at least remain friends.

-Adam
adamsweblog.com

PS: From a statement in your letter it could be inferred that my blog may have inspired you to sign up for Adam4Adam. I just wanted to make it clear that any bumps, bites, rashes, bruises, welts, warts, abscesses, or crazy stalking that may occur from your use of an internet dating service are not the responsibility of A. Benjamin Irby, abenjaminirby.com, or adamsweblog.com, ohdwd.com or any associated company or entity therein. Have fun and be safe. :-)

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If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous you don't even have to give your name.
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Playing In The Background...
"Do What Ya Like"
by Lil' Kim
from the album "Notorious KIM"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 02:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

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This book, "The Velvet Rage" as you know has changed my life and I recommend that every gay man read it (I wrote a review of it in this post). In the book, the author Dr. Alan Downs, Ph.D. gives "10 Lessons On Being An Authentic Gay Man" (authentic as in truthful and living a life of integrity). I am taking those 10 lessons, some of which hit me very hard and am illustrating how they apply to my life in this "The Velvet Rage" category of posts.
Wish me luck.
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Velvet Rage Lesson #2:
Adopt A Nonjudgmental Stance As Often As Possible

"The more critical you are of others, the more difficult is is for you to reveal your true self to the world around you. When you have not allowed others to be less than perfect, does it not only follow that you cannot be less than perfect? And since you know that you are not perfect, how can you possibly reveal yourself? Creating an environment for authenticity requires that we give other people the space to be authentic as well."
-page 172-173

You'd think with as much judgment as we, the gays get from society at large that we'd be more open and accepting of each other, hmm, yeah... right. I'm pretty sure everyone knows at least one bitter, judgmental queen that always has something critical to say about everybody, from their looks, to their conduct, to who they're dating, to what and whom they're wearing. The alternate version of the bitter, judgmental queen is the type that doesn't blatantly insult others, instead she adopts a 'holier than thou' attitude (from my experience it's usually born of ignorance, inexperience, cowardice, and lack of opportunity) where she looks down on other people and their choices as opposed to hers. If you don't know a person like this it's probably you and what's crazy is that you may not even know it's you, as it can be a very subtle thing.

As much as the more depraved parts of us may enjoy the bitter, judgmental queen's (let's just call her BJQ) biting sharp wit and dry sense of humor at the expense of others we also keep our distance from her. Because if BJQ can tear other people down, what's to stop her wrath from turning on us on one of our 'not-so-well-put-together' days? In BJQ's attempt to gain friendship, favor, and affinity through the ill gotten laughs that she shares with her associates she fails to realize that her bitterness is only isolating herself from further them. In a weird way this is what she wants but yet doesn't want. As much as BJQ wants to have real friends she's afraid to let people get too close usually due to one or a mixture of two things. One being due to traumatic past experiences she doesn't really trust people and uses her bitterness as a shield to protect herself from getting hurt again. The other being that she is afraid to let others get but so close to her because then they will realize that she isn't perfect, thus sending her whole proverbial haughty house of cards tumbling the fuck down.

When I first came out I was extremely judgmental more on the 'holier than thou' side and actually even before I came out I was casting judgment. Before I came out I of course used to cast judgment on the homos because I was an undercover homo trying my best to hide what was so obvious to anyone who knew me pretty well. Then when I finally did come out I used to look down on other gay people namely the more feminine ones and some of the things they did. It was basically the whole 'I'm-gay-but-I'm-not-that-gay' syndrome. I developed an ignorant hatred of the whole ballroom scene, drag queens, transsexuals, and all that. I've said this before but I thought that they were so "extra" and brought shame to more masculine gay dudes like myself. I eventually snapped out of it after meeting RuPaul (read about that in this post) and after my best friend (who is in the ballroom scene, he's a member of a house) tricked me into going to a "party" that turned out to be a ball, which actually turned out to be a lot of fun to watch. I don't vogue or dress in drag but I can now appreciate it as an art form and as a form of entertainment.

Even funnier is that back in the day I even used to judge the more, hmmm, how should I say this, the more, well at least in my narrow mindedness I thought they were, the more promiscuous gay people that I knew. That is until... well, you read the blog. Let's just say I snapped outta that pretty quick. Truthfully the only reason why I was ever so judgmental of them in the first place was because at the time I wasn't gettin' none!

There are about five morals to this story and we've heard them all about three million times. We know they're right but it's not as though we follow them or anything so I'll take the time to restate them here. "Judge lest ye be judged." "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." "Never say never." "He who is without sin cast the first stone." And last but not least "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Even though we laugh at her jokes, nobody really likes a bitter judgmental queen.

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Playing In The Background...
"Free Xone"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "The Velvet Rope"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Have you ever been in the middle of sex with someone and that person said or did something that freaked you out a little bit? Have you ever said something during sex you wish you hadn't said or at least wish you hadn't said so soon? As much as we, the gays sometimes try to write off sex as a purely physical, I-just-wanted-to-get-my-nutt-off thing, and sometimes it is (hopefully for both, or all parties involved) we must realize that there is an emotional and psychological or dare I say even a spiritual element to it.

When we shed our layers of clothes to have sex we are also shedding many of the walls of protection we've put up for ourselves. You even notice how some guys can look all big and tough when they're all dressed up in their 'hood costume, baggy jeans, boots, Timbs, fitteds, etc., they're usually much less intimidating when they're naked. Even for guys with big muscles it's still harder for them to look tough naked than it would be if they were fully clothed. Have you ever had sex with someone who refused to be fully naked, someone who was ashamed of certain parts of their body? Or have you been with someone who wouldn't have sex with the lights on? To be naked with somebody is to be totally vulnerable. To enter someone or have them enter you is in many ways to trust them with your life and you with theirs. I'm learning that sex is a much bigger deal than I ever used to make it.

Being a gay male is a balancing act. Everyday of our lives we are trying to reconcile our more traditional male, macho traits with our more traditionally feminine traits all of us having varying degrees of one as opposed to the other. As much as we hate to talk about it we carry a lot of that role play into our bedrooms as tops, bottoms and versatiles. The tops usually being more dominant, the bottoms usually more submissive and the versatiles adjusting to whatever situation they find themselves in. As a top a good portion of my bottom sex partners have been a little on the feminine side in general, at least more than I am and usually are pretty submissive in the bedroom.

There are times though when I have been shocked at the extent of some of the more traditionally feminine things some of my sex partners have done or have liked to have done to them. Of course there are the high pitched moans, the whole calling me "Daddy." thing, even a little bit of ass slapping, and I'll even ask "Whose ass/dick is this?" here and there, that I have to say is hot, but pretty much normal. I have been in a few abnormal situations as well.

I can remember one ex, let's call him Jerry. Jerry was a strict bottom and was into rougher sex. He didn't like to have love made to him, he got off on being fucked, hard and fast. He liked being called a "bitch", he liked his hair pulled, he liked for me to refer to his ass "pussy", he liked being rough-housed and manhandled during sex. As I fell deeper for him I would try slower more sensual love making with him and he just wasn't into it. He'd say "Fuck me daddy!" and even go as far as to reach for my waist in an effort to move me faster in and out of him. Some tops would love this sort of thing and I guess it can be hot at times but I'm not into inflicting pain and degradation on my sex partners and I always had the feeling that his desire to be fucked all the time was as a result of being mentally scarred from a traumatic past experience. I was right. Hopefully he can find or has found the help he needs to deal with that.

I had another ex, let's call him Vincente who out of the blue one night had a rather strange request of me. He's a bottom as well but I guess this particular request can't really be characterized as either top or bottom:

Vincente: "I have something to ask you. It may sound a little weird."

Adam: "Okay... what is it?"

Vincente: "Well I was wondering... no, nevermind..."

Adam: "What baby, what you gotta ask me?"

Vincente: "Well, I was wondering if you could pee on me?"

Adam: "Ummm, I, I don't have to go..."

Okay, the urination thing, I'm not judging at all but I really don't understand it. Not just from a mental and psychological standpoint but from a physical standpoint. How does the etiquette work? Do you break out the plastic sheets and do it on the bed? Do you lay in the tub? And where would I aim, for the body, for the face, for the mouth? Would he then rub it on yourself? Would he lick it? Would he drink from my dick like a water fountain? Would he swallow it? (If someone can break this down for me please email me and I will post it up on the blog to so we all can understand. I of course will not give out your identity.) I know most of us have had at least limited or even accidental experience with the taste and or feel of cum/pre-cum, most of us have probably never gone all CocoDorm with it but even that to me is a bit different from the pee thing as cum is at least a derivative of sexual contact. But hey, whatever floats your boat, obviously I found a nice way to get myself out of a sticky situation.

A good friend of mine, a fellow top, told me a story about this dude he was having sex with one time who yelled out "Ooh nigga, get me pregnant!" in the middle of sex. It totally freaked him out and he never called the boy again. Jerry, Vincente, and my friend's friend I just mentioned probably don't look as freaky as they are in the bedroom to the naked eye. It's almost as though sexual contact changed them into another character. Revealing that innermost character to someone is another thing what makes sex so intimate.

Just as bottoms sometimes exhibit hyper-feminine characters or roles during sex tops can exhibit hyper-masculine roles. I'll use myself as an example. I'm gay, I'm a top. I wouldn't say I'm a the macho-ist of macho men, I'm nobody's thug but I'm no queen either. I'm intelligent, articulate, and even talkative  at times. Unfortunately in the black community these traits are considered somewhat feminine as black males are often portrayed as the strong silent type. But even with that for the most part in non-gay settings most people are a little surprised when I tell them I'm gay.

When I'm turned on though it's a whole 'nother story. After careful observation of my own sexual behavior I've noticed that certain things happen unconsciously when I'm turned on: my eyes tighten, I bite my bottom lip, my voice drops a few octaves (it's already not high as it is), I get a little more physically aggressive and even a little playfully rough. My ex-boyfriend Mr. Man, the first person to actually point this out to me made up a name for this phenomenon that is my sexy alter-ego. He coined it "The Jaykwon Factor." Jaykwon, as Adam doesn't sound like a rough enough name for this personality. Others whom I've had sex with have commented on The Jaykwon Factor. One person said that when they first met me I was cool, quiet, calm but when we had sex I turned into a quote-unquote "prison thug." Another person I hooked up with who discovered this blog after the fact told me that they had no idea that I could write the way I do, as I seemed so "rough" when they met me. Both of them were more than satisfied with the sex by the way.

Jaykwon, though good in bed is not too bright, while Adam likes to write and loves music and geography, Jaykwon just likes to fuck and is very smooth and persuasive. He's even been known to be a "top killer." (A "top killer" is a top who turns out and fucks other tops. Read about my experience with a pseudo-top killer in this post. Get an idea of what one of my more Jaykwon moments was like in this post.)

While Jaykwon likes to fuck and usually keeps things strictly physical, the more loving Adam has said some things he wish he hadn't said during sex. I've been in a few situations where I was dating someone and was really into them, we were having sex, making love, what have you, it was feeling good and right, and the pheromones were flying everywhere and I slipped up and said the "L" word. Dayum. "I love you.", the best, and sweetest three words you can ever hear when it's reciprocal and the most horrifyingly terrible, nails-on-the-chalkboard sound you ever want to hear when it's not. Sometimes they said it back, sometimes they didn't, sometimes they pretended they couldn't hear. It's even happened to me before. Sometimes I'd say it back, sometimes I wouldn't, sometimes I'd act like I couldn't hear, other times I'd mouth something in the heat of the moment that could be accidentally on purpose possibly misconstrued as "I love you." as to not to interrupt the flow of the sex, such as "I love shoes." and it's not exactly a lie as I do love shoes.

In that situation having sex with someone prompted me to share an intimate part of myself. I may have already known I was falling in love with that person but decided to keep it to myself to see whether they felt the same way. But during sex being so intimate and vulnerable it's hard to keep up your defenses.  After being born from your mother's womb sexual intercourse is the closest you can ever be to someone. You are literally inside them. Never take that for granted. A lot of experiences that I've recalled here I can look back and laugh at now but they weren't so funny as they were happening. I can't believe I'm about to say this but sex is a big deal. Every time we lay down, bend over, sit up, stand up, or get in that swing that is suspended from the ceiling to have sex a lot is at stake. We can put on all the condoms in the world to protect our dicks but they haven't made one yet that protects the heart.

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Playing In The Background...
"Protect My Heart"
by Tamia
from the album "Between Friends"
and
"Protect My Heart"
by Kelis
from the album "Tasty"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (9) | TrackBacks (0)

The Best Album Ever Made:
Janet Jackson
"The Velvet Rope"
1997 Virgin Records
6/5

"It's my belief that we all have the need to feel special and it's this need that can bring out the best in us yet the worst in us. This need created the velvet rope."
-Janet Jackson

Ten years ago today, October 7th, 1997 Janet Jackson released what is her most profound and thought provoking piece of work ever, "The Velvet Rope." In my opinion it is the best and will always be the best album ever made. There is probably not a professional music reviewer anywhere who will agree with me but that's okay. Beside the musical merits of the album it has a much deeper emotional resonance with me.

At the time this album came out I was fourteen years old, a freshman in high school. I had already been a casual fan of Janet's since "Rhythm Nation 1814" and all throughout the "janet." years but I was still a kid and I really didn't get into her until then. Even at that time I was still young and was only getting $1.75 a day spending money for school, needless to say I didn't buy this album when it was first released.

My first memory of hearing it in it's entirety was laying on the floor of my eldest sister's house one Saturday afternoon listening to it on her portable CD player. I was so enthralled by the sounds of the album and the amazing graphic design, photographs and imagery of the album booklet. That day was the day that I fell in love with music. Finally at 16 years old "The Velvet Rope" was the first CD I ever bought with my own money.

"The Velvet Rope" is an eclectic opus with touches of R&B, pop, rock, dance, and classical music. It plays out like a theatrical production and is best heard in full. Every interlude, every word of all twenty-two tracks of this CD are all important. They all work together to cohesively bring forth the message, to tell of your need, my need, our need, the need to feel special. The need that brings out the best and yet the worst of us, the need that created "The Velvet Rope." The velvet rope that helps us hide our feelings, holds back our public and binds us up for our lovers.

Coming off of the most successful album of her career 1993's "janet.," which sold over 17 million records worldwide and was the first record by a female artist to debut at #1 in the United States in the Nielsen SoundScan era. She released six singles off of this album and toured almost two years promoting it. This was her first album with Virgin Records the company with which she signed a 40 million dollar record contract, which at that time broke the record for the largest record deal ever. "janet." was largely a happy, R&B/pop record which was a mix between upbeat catchy songs and slower more seductive songs. "The Velvet Rope", released four years later was a much darker record, reflective of the sadness Janet was feeling at the time. The album was panned by critics for being too controversial but was a fan favorite. It was and actually still is Janet's most introspective record.

This album embodies so many feelings and emotions: happiness on "Go Deep", hope on "Together Again", regret on "Got 'Til It's Gone", loneliness on "I Get Lonely", anticipation on "Tonight's The Night", pride on "Can't Be Stopped", self realization on "You", horniness on "My Need", emptiness on "Empty", anger on "What About", fear on "Every Time." There are so many subjects that Janet touched on the this album that had been seldom talked about ever in popular music: spousal abuse on "What About", sado-masochism on "Rope Burn", masturbation on "Interlude - Speaker Phone", homosexuality, lesbianism and bisexuality on "Free Xone" and "Tonight's The Night."

My two favorite Janet Jackson songs ever are on this album. "I Get Lonely" and "Rope Burn" are in my opinion two of Janet's best vocal performances coupled with live instruments (I get chills every time i hear the piano come in on "I Get Lonely" at 4:34) and Janet's trademark background vocals that ooze sensuality. The title track "Velvet Rope" blends Janet's vocals with a most interesting array of background dings and tingles coupled with classical violinist Vanessa Mae's rousing violin solo that brings the song to its aural and emotional apex. "You" is brilliantly written song whose vamp remained an enigma to me for years until someone explained to me that she was spelling conscience backwards "e-c-n-e-i-c-s-n-o-c."

Besides being conceptually and audibly interesting the visuals for the album were dazzling. The album cover was different than that of her previous albums. It was hardly glamorous just a picture of Janet in a black shirt with frizzy red hair her her head hung slightly down, not looking into the camera. Her name isn't even conspicuously emblazoned across the picture. It is subtly spelled out in a blurred block formation embossed in the top half of the picture. You can only notice it if you tilt it and look at the picture in the light. The pictures inside of Janet sporting her nipple and septum piercings, covered in latex and tied up in bondage were indeed works of art themselves. The videos the Grammy winning, "Got Til' It's Gone" with it's African apartheid theme and "Together Again" set in the jungle in which she hugs herself and touches her own breast, "I Get Lonely" with it's almost futuristic feel and amazing transitions cemented Janet's status as not just a musical but a visual artist.

Many of the themes of the album hit home for me. "Empty", a song about finding love on the internet was quite timely due to the fact that the internet and instant messaging had just started to rise in popularity. The emptiness that she felt when the person she talked to wasn't there and the questioning whether what they had could be real resonated for me as a person who has dated via the internet before. Lyrics such as these spoke right to me:

"I'm rushin' home to turn you on
Sometimes you're there sometimes you're gone
Wait for hours for your return
So tell me please, am I wasting my time?
Your phrases, descriptive, and through the textured words
With beauty, you post it, and use such colored verbs

So tell me you think that maybe we've gone insane?
To find a, a lover and through the words of pain
We've never met, ooh

When I close my eyes, I can see your face
When I lick my lips, I can taste your smile
When I see your name, my heart starts to race
If I can't read your thoughts, then I feel empty"

Songs like "Velvet Rope" and "You" spoke to the self confidence issues I was having with lyrics that brought forth truth and clarity and let me know that I wasn't alone. If a mega superstar like Janet Jackson can wake up sometimes feeling unloved, unworthy and empty and make her way through it, so could I.

You never forget your first love and though many albums have come along since, some poppier, some bluesier, some edgier but "The Velvet Rope" will always be my favorite and have a special irreplaceable place in my heart.

THE ALBUM BEEN IN STORES FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS! WHERE YOU BEEN? IF YOU DON'T HAVE IT YOU NEED TO GET IT!

Buy the album from Amazon.com here.

Website: JanetJackson.com

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Playing In The Background...
"Velvet Rope" feat. Vanessa Mae
by Janet Jackson
from the album "The Velvet Rope
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

One of the most beautiful days of my life was the day that I reconciled my belief in God with the fact that I'm gay. Unfortunately I can't take a red marker out and circle the day on the calendar as I can't really pinpoint it. I've discussed everything here except my individual spiritual beliefs so I thought I'd touch on it a bit or even grope it seductively if you will.

I'm not typing this blog post from home. Wednesday night after work I left New York to come to my parent's house in here Virginia Beach or as I call it "Jesus' summer home". My parents are super religious Pentecostal/Apostolics who are registered democrats but actually voted for Bush in the last election because they didn't wanna "go to hell for supporting that mess", that mess being the gay marriage issue that Kerry supported. My question is, what about all the other mess you are supporting by voting for Bush, like war, murder, genocide, etc? But none of that stuff matters as long as the faggots can't get married. How they ended up with me, the gay blogger as their kid is evidence of God's sense of humor. Statements like that are quite commonplace coming from religious folks like my parents. That's why even though I believe in God, I don't believe in organized religion, church, church folks (I don't date them either, read about that in this post), or Presidents Bush.

I've spent the last few days readying myself to not speak of the big pink jeweled elephant that is my sexuality while I'm in the state of Virginia. This is how we get along. We all know but we don't talk about it. It's our coping mechanism. It's dysfunctional but it works for us. I think that our silence is born of  mutual respect for each other. Because if we had a big argument and told each other how we really feel we'd probably never speak again. I've learned that some things are better left unsaid and even if they do say something off color not necessarily directed at me I brush it off. They're older people, it's force of habit, they were conditioned to believe these things. They don't know any better.

In spite of what people like my parents think about me being gay I still believe that God loves me and is with me just like anyone else. As easy as it would be for me to be a "gay-thiest" like my friend Lawrence ("Gay-thiest" is term I use for a gay person who doesn't believe in God mostly as a knee jerk reaction of the church's distaste with homosexuality as opposed to making that decision purely of their own volition) I can't. Even though I totally get why the idea of God would be unattractive to a gay person. Look at the religious people who are supposed to be his representatives. They say that God is all about love, which I believe he is but it seems like all they ever speak about is hate. A shining example of that is the website GodHatesFags.com, put together by the slack-jawed evangelicals at Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas (be sure to check out their whole series of retarded ass websites GodHatesAmerica.com, GodHatesCanada.com, and GodHatesSweden.com especially if you're looking for a good laugh or need to throw up today). They sound like hypocrites. I like you feel that almost orgasmic satisfaction when one of them are exposed for the phonies they are (Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Larry Craig, etc), but they to me are just religious fanatical church people, they are not God. God is has blessed me so much and has been there with me, gay and all on a personal level from the beginning so much so that no Bible, book, or Bush can convince me otherwise. But in my effort to be totally objective and non judgmental I decided to explore the world of atheism.

I saw a post on a message board a while ago written by a fellow gay man, a supporter of EvilBible.com, an interesting website written by an atheist woman in an effort to "spread the vicious truth about the Bible". She proclaims that "the so called God of the Bible makes Osama Bin Laden look like a boyscout". Some of her points, though oddly fanatical, actually made a lot of sense. Namely where she said that the whole idea of God doesn't make sense. It wasn't a huge revelation to me though, I actually knew that already. Everything about God is based on faith, ya gotta believe it to receive it and if you don't believe it, what is there to talk about? The website is basically a character assault on the Bible, a book whose merits I'm not fully sold on anyway. I even checked out the American Atheists website which along with anti-Christian rhetoric gives  instructions on how to have an atheist wedding and coming out to your family as an atheist. Sounding oddly familiar?

The thing that kills me about the Atheists and the Christians Evangelicals is how much alike they are. The Atheists, as much as they say they aren't, are religious too. Their religion is non-religion and they preach it and proselytize their non-gospel on the web just as much and with as much fervor as the Evangelicals do. They both have the attitude of "I'm right and you're wrong!" What confuses me about them is if they don't believe in God, why talk about him? He doesn't exist, right? So what's to talk about? What's to make a whole website about? It's like arguing the validity of Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, it's crazy. If you don't believe in God, then just simply don't believe in God. I thought that the atheist websites would be cool, open, evolved and forward thinking. But they sound and even look a lot the websites for them crazy hicks at Westboro Baptist Church. 

Whatever happened to live and let live? That's what I believe. I think that everyone should do what works for them as long they aren't hurting anyone else. As corny and cliche as this sounds I'm a spiritual person. I believe in God but that's my belief. I don't try to push my beliefs off on anybody. I'm even respectful of church folks like my parents and all of their crazy beliefs. Whatever you believe, at the end of the day  just be sure to believe in yourself.

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Playing In The Background...
"If You Really Knew"
by Out Of Eden
from the album "No Turning Back"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

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This book, "The Velvet Rage" as you know has changed my life and I recommend that every gay man read it (I wrote a review of it in this post). In the book, the author Dr. Alan Downs, Ph.D. gives "10 Lessons On Being An Authentic Gay Man" (authentic as in truthful and living a life of integrity). I am taking those 10 lessons, some of which hit me very hard and am illustrating how they apply to my life in this "The Velvet Rage" category of posts.
Wish me luck.
==========

Velvet Rage Lesson #1:
Don't Let Your Sexual Tastes Be The Filter For Allowing People In Your Life

Yikes! I remember when I first read this sentence from the book while riding home on the bus from the gym last week, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to read it over and over again like ten times, it really struck me. I'm always doing that. Any guy I meet, especially a gay guy whether he's a friend of a friend, or a potential client, or just a guy on the train, thoughts of sex almost always flash through my mind, ("Would I or wouldn't I?") at least at the first meeting, even if I never plan to actually act on it. Many times how friendly or how receptive to him I am is usually hinged on how good looking he is. How many times have I totally paid someone no mind because I wasn't attracted to them? How many times have I been all in someone's face because I was attracted to them and then they turned out to be a total asshole? How many times have I let someone's looks influence how I feel about them?

This particular lesson doesn't apply so much to dating. Of course we're gonna date who we're attracted to, that goes without saying. Even though looking back I can say that the better looking an ex boyfriend was, the more shyt he got away with regarding me. That is before I dropped his triflin' ass, but I digress. Like I said this lesson as illustrated in the book goes more for friendships, work and other platonic settings. Have you ever been at work and been a little nicer to that more attractive client or co-worker or more attentive to that more attractive customer? Or at a party and really not paying attention or mingling as freely with certain people because you aren't attracted to them? We've all been guilty of that, I know I have.

A few weeks ago a good friend of mine reminded me of the night when we first met. I met this good friend through another friend of mine. We all went out to a club together one night. He told me that when he first met me he was attracted to me. I kinda knew that as he was dropping hints all night. I wasn't attracted to him though. It's not that he wasn't attractive but he wasn't my type and I'm usually pretty rigid when it comes down to my type. He told me that he was trying to talk to me but I just kept ignoring him. I didn't just ignore his advances, I was ignoring him, period. And unfortunately when someone is trying to talk to me that I'm really not attracted to I can be a bit shady at times (I'm workin' on it). Today we are really good platonic friends.

Hearing that story made me feel terrible inside. Here is this really nice guy who met me and was attracted to me, being nice to me and I was so shady to him. Just because I wasn't interested didn't give me an excuse to be rude, I could have nicely told him that. Even after his attraction faded he's still my friend and not just a run-in-the-mill friend either. He is really someone who has added to my life. What a special person he is to even want me as a friend after the way I acted? It made me think about all the wonderful people who I've probably missed out on knowing thinking with my dick.

And then I think about who my friends are... As I have said before (in this post) I have slept with or messed around with a good portion of my friends. This question made me ask myself, "Why is that?" Yeah sure, some of them are relationships that have ended amicably and have turned to friendships but I can't say that for all. In the case of one of my best friends, we'll call him Lawrence, he lives about 400 miles away. We met online and talked for almost a year and everything was totally platonic. When we finally met we ended up messing around. Yeah, it was my fault, I pounced on him, he was helpless, what can I say? He's still one of my best friends and we never messed around again. But I know good and dayum well that I wouldn't have carried on with him online for almost a year without some sort of sexual attraction. I have other friends that I can say the same thing for, meet, mess around once, never do it again, BFF's forever. Most of my good friends with few exceptions are people who I find somewhat attractive and if we were stuck on a desert island together and had to repopulate the Earth... wait, scratch that, you know what I mean, either way I'd be on and poppin'.

We can even take Pubby as a more recent example (If you don't know who Pubby is you can catch up here and here). I met Pubby through a friend of mine and it was not to hook us up, it was originally for a business matter. After the first time we talked business on the phone he intrigued me so I had to know what he looked like, even before we had our first meeting. I went as far as searching his name on MySpace to see if he had a page, I couldn't find him though. Why was it so important that I knew what he looked like before I met him? Obviously we met, he looked good, we're dating now and the rest is history, but what if he hadn't been so attractive? Would I have been as interested or as eager to do business with him, sadly I must say, probably not. Don't get me wrong his project is great, but him being fine did make the decision to to work with him a bit, lemme stop lying, a lot easier.

With this particular issue though, despite my past, I am getting better. My friends are a much wider spectrum of people than they used to be. About a month or so ago my best friend, Russell told me that I let sex run my life. While it shocked the hell outta me and made me have a "why-I-never"-pearl-clutching moment. He was absolutely right. He has no idea how much his words resonate through my mind every day and when I saw this particular lesson in the book it was confirmation of that so I'm workin' on it.

Buy "The Velvet Rage" by Dr. Alan Downs, Ph.D. on Amazon.com here.

LINKS:
- A preview of "The Velvet Rage". Read actual pages from the book, courtesy of Google Books.
- Dr. Alan Downs' appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show

==========
Playing In The Background...
"My Need"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "The Velvet Rope"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

The Velvet Rage
Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man's World
by Alan Downs, Ph.D.
2005 Da Capo Press

If you've been reading the blog lately I'm sure you've noticed that I have gone into a frenzy of introspective self improvement lately. The catalyst has been this wonderful book pictured on the left. I was first told, wait, no told is the wrong word, this book was shoved down my throat daily by Mr. Man, my ex boyfriend. He would extol the virtues of this book, preaching it's gospel anywhere and everywhere he met another gay person until it got downright annoying. He drove me absolutely crazy about this book.

Last week one of my good friends, who he also told about the book read it and was singing it's praises as well. I'm really not the self help type, or the book type, but since they are both endorsing it so much I may as well give it a shot right? So I stopped being skeptical and just bought the dayum book. I have to tell you they were right. This is absolutely the best book I have ever read. It literally changed my life and thew way I look at myself and everyone else. Every gay man I know is getting this book for birthdays, Christmas, or whenever. I'm already buying two copies of the book for friends. If you know anyone that has recently come out or if anyone ever comes out to you, give them a condom, some lube, and this book.

"The Velvet Rage", named for the soft beautiful facade gay men use to hide the hurt anger and shame they feel, not for the Janet Jackson album, was written by Dr. Alan Downs, Ph.D., a gay, Santa Fe, New Mexico based psychologist, who was once married to a woman before coming out. He has compiled his experiences working with gay male patients for over 15 years (including actual quotes from them) into this wonderful, insightful book. The overall theme of the book is help gay men find their authenticity and rid themselves of the shame and rage we feel growing up in a less than supportive society.

It even answers questions that most of us seldom ask such as why gay men excel in beauty, fashion and the arts? Why gay male wit is usually so dry and sarcastic? Or why we keep repeating the same harmful relationship patterns? It's all explained in the book.

The most wonderful thing about this book is that unlike most books written for a gay male audience it's not about sex. It hardly mentions it. It's focus is instead on helping gay men find joy and authenticity from inside themselves through self exploration. Much of the books lessons can be applied to anyone, whether gay or straight, male or female. But they are given in relation to the struggles that gay males face.

The book basically breaks the gay life cycle down in three stages and I'm paraphrasing here:

Stage One: Overwhelmed By Shame
This stage is where a gay man is "in the closet" and fearful of his sexuality.

Stage Two: Compensating For Shame
This stage is where a gay man is out but tries to neutralize his shame by being more successful, outrageous, fabulous, beautiful or masculine.

Stage Three: Discovering Authenticity
This stage is where a gay man lets go of all his insecurities and finds what truly brings him joy and contentment.

I got into this book at mid-stage two. Obviously I'm already out, right now I'm exploring all of the things I do to neutralize the shame I feel inside (over-achievement, sycophancy, promiscuous behaviors) and if you have noticed, you have been reading about it.

As I move into stage three Dr. Downs has outlined the "three legs on the stool of contentment", passion, love, and integrity. In striving for those he has also outlined ten lessons on becoming an authentic gay man. I will take on each one of those lessons and apply them to situations in my life in subsequent posts. You may have noticed that this is the first post of a new category on the blog I have created especially for this book. The "The Velvet Rage" category will contain my responses to those ten lessons.

BUY THIS BOOK, don't rent it from the library, BUY IT! It's a reference book, one I'm sure you will pick up over and over again. Even if you feel like everything is okay with you buy it anyway, it's absolutely great, it's an easy read (191 pages, I read it in two and a half days) and it's cheap. It's only $11.66 on Amazon. I have never recommended a book here before but I am begging you with everything I have to read this book.

Buy "The Velvet Rage" on Amazon.com here.

LINKS:
- A preview of "The Velvet Rage". Read actual pages from the book, courtesy of Google Books.
- Dr. Alan Downs' appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Twisted Elegance"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "The Velvet Rope"
==========

PS: Notice that there's a new "Books" category too and that this is the "first" book every gay man must own, there is a second one. I'll post about that soon.

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 10:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Jennifer Lopez
"Brave"
2007 Epic Records
4.5/5

Jenny from the block is back with "Brave", her fifth album and her most solid since her second album "J.Lo", the album that put the '01-'02 music scene in a headlock. Like "J.Lo", this album is the perfect mix of urban and pop and as the Starship Enterprise-esque album cover artwork suggests is, the music is glossier than her last two albums "Rebirth" and "...This Is Me Then". If anything this album is the "rebirth" we were all expecting from the last album. Her voice has also been reborn as well, she sounds better than ever.

Although dancefloor-ready "Brave" is the most genuinely introspective of all Lopez's albums, ("Jenny From The Block", in fact, the whole "...This Is Me" album always seemed a bit forced and let's not forget "Hold U Down" from "Rebirth") providing some subtle, or not so subtle commentaries from the quadruple threat superstar, mostly about her storied love life ups and downs over the past few years.

The first lyrics of the album are:

"Through the bumpy roads the others bite the dust cuz,
They be thinkin' they're in love but they're in lust but,
Cliche, breakin' up so easy,
I'm about to throw a curve ball honey.
Don't sweat the small things, wake up.
Stay together, it's the new break up...
Heartbreaks so overrated,
Stay together, that's the new trend."

Well who better to set the trend than the modern breakup queen herself (Elizabeth Taylor still holds the overall crown). In "Stay Together" J.Lo urges couples to stick it out in spite of whatever circumstances they encounter. She reinforces this concept on the next track, the reggaeton-flavored, "Forever" and unlike that whole "Bennifer" thing this actually sounds believable. I always knew Marc Anthony was the one anyway.

The next track is "Hold It Don't Drop It", and the album's first single "Do It Well" both sound like respective pop and R&B throwbacks to 2001, especially "Do It Well" which utilizes that too often used sample that Mr. Cheeks made popular on his 2001 song, "Lights, Camera, Action" that Lil' Kim used again on her 2003 song, "The Jumpoff" and coincidentally all three artists used these songs as the first singles from their respective albums. As tired as I'm sure we all are of this sample J.Lo does a great job with it. There's a version of "Do It Well" featuring Ludacris tacked to the end of the album. His spanglish rhymes add a lot to the song as the beat changes on his part, giving us respite from the sample. I actually like this version better than the original.

"Gotta Be There" is definitely one of the jewels of the album. It cleverly uses a Jackson five sample over a thumping beat as J.Lo follows her beau halfway around the world in a mission to get him back, definite single material. I can almost hear the rapper on the remix already.

"Never Gonna Give Up On Love" starts off as a beautiful string laden ballad before the beat drops and turns into a more mid-tempo groove. Her voice is sounding stronger than ever here. While "Mile In These Shoes" picks up where "...On Love" leaves off. This boastful rock-tinged "f*** you" to the haters turns up the heat with these lyrics:

"Strangers always got some mess to spread,
But I have learned to flick them off.
Can't walk a mile in my YSL's'
I strap 'em on and I walk it off.
Got 'em sayin' I can't believe she did it, no she didn't,
My wow factor's got 'em crazy (crazy).
Got 'em sayin' yeah she did it but I can't believe it,
Never say you can't believe.
Even if they try,
They still can't walk a mile in these shoes.
They couldn't even lace 'em up right.
Honey these pumps are too big to fill...
Can't walk a mile in these shoes."

This ode to designer footwear is already making waves being used as the backup music for promos for ABC's hit drama "Desperate Housewives". I smell another pop hit for J.Lo here. The rock-ish vibe is continued from here on the next track "The Way It Is".

Now back to the Pop/R&B, the sweet thumping groove of "Be Mine" is perfectly coupled with the sweeping strings and thumping beat of "I Need Love" which I can help but associate with 50 Cent's "In Da Club" when J.Lo says "...ain't no love up in the club". Lyrics like these seem to sum up J.Lo's lovelife rollercoaster ride over the past few years.

"I guess I wasn't interested,
In finding something real I wasn't lookin' for it.
It shoulda been lookin' for me,
But you opened up my eyes and now I can see...
First I had to figure out who I was,
To try and understand that ain't no shortcuts.
Now the only thing missing now is your love.
I need love.
For the first time in my life I need love.
Ain't no love up in the club, I need love.
Wanna cuddle up to somethin',
Make me feel like I'm somethin',
Gettin' sick and tired of frontin',
I need love..."

I think she's finally found what she's looking for.

The album ends with the sweet, radio-ready ballad "Wrong When You're Gone", which has that same "thing" that Mariah Carey's "We Belong Together" (yes I just compared Jennifer Lopez and Mariah Carey) and Mary J. Blige's "Be Without You" has and what Jessica Simpson's "I Belong To Me" tried to have. It's has hit written all over it and J.Lo sounds great singing it. I would have to say it's one of her best ballads, it lacks the feeling and earnestness of "Secretly" but is leagues ahead of the melodrama of "(Can't Believe) This Is Me". Then there's the title track "Brave", an inspirational mid-tempo pop song about not being scared to love again. A great ending to J.Lo's most solid album yet.

If you must download, download: "Gotta Be There", "Mile In These Shoes", "I Need Love", "Brave"

IN STORES, TUESDAY, OCTOBER 9th!

Buy it from Amazon.com here.

Website: JenniferLopez.com

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Mile In These Shoes"
by Jennifer Lopez
from her album "Brave"
==========

Check out my Ode To J.Lo blog post here.

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 10:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Queen Latifah
"Trav'lin' Light"
5/5
2007 Verve Records

Queen Latifah can SANG! I'm not sure how I always forget that as I own her exceptional debut vocal album "The Dana Owens Album" and have heard the vocal tracks she's contributed to the soundtracks of movies she's starred in like "Chicago", "Living Out Loud", and Hairspray" and she even sung the theme song to her '90's sitcom "Living Single" and of course there's all the singing scattered throughout the rap albums of her early career. On "Trav'lin' Light" she shows that her vocal repertoire goes way past the schmaltzy jazz thing, which some people still unbelievably consider some kind of gemic. She also covers R&B, pop and soul standards on this outing and even in contemporary R&B fashion throws in a little gospel at the end. All of this makes for an even better album than the first and one of the best I've heard this year.

The album starts out with the smooth, guitar strummed "Poetry Man" and then glides into the beautiful jazz ballad "Georgia Rose" where Queen is accompanied by the legendary Stevie Wonder on harmonica. Her voice sounds so crisp on this song and the title track "Trav'lin' Light" that you could snap it in half.

"Quiet Nights Of Quiet Stars" is a smooth bossa-nova flavored song whose lyrics glide effortlessly over the live backing band. The next track "Don't Cry Baby" is a beggy blues ballad where Queen asks her beau to be "sweethearts again". I love the emotion in her voice.

Latifah shines her brightest on big band numbers such as "I Love Being With You" and "I'm Gonna Live 'Till I Die" where here diction and personality on these songs would make you swear they were recorded in the '20 or '30's. Her larger than life personality and vocal style commands these songs. I can almost see her in the shimmering dress with the flower her hair in front of the 50 piece band like Lady Day or Pearl Bailey.

"I Want Some Sugar In My Bowl" vocally has to be Latifah's best jazz track ever, she effortlessly slides from her lower register up to her high falsetto while still retaining her brassy vampish vocal style while ginving us sex appeal and wit all at the same time. But just when I thought "Sugar" was good "I'm Not In Love", left me absolutely speechless. This is Latifah's first foray into R&B/Pop on this album and it's amazing. She uses the strength and power behind her voice here mixed with a soft emotional vulnerablity than she has in her jazzier works and it has made for an amazing song. The horns in the background bring the song to a perfect crescendo.

Queen even goes motown, smoothly covering Smokie Robinson's "What Love Has Joined Together" and then playfully covering The Pointer Sisters "How Long (Betcha Got A Chick On The Side)". She even updates the song by mentioning "YouTube" in the ending adlibs.

To end the album Latifah beautifully covers Roberta Flack's "Gone Away", the strings, blaring electric guitar, and spoken word portion provide the dramatic climax to the album. The last track is the gospel-flavored "I Know Where I've Been" from the "Hairspray" soundtrack complete with backing choir and all. A great way to end a great album.

If you must download, download: "Georgia Rose", "I'm Gonna Live 'Till I Die", "I Want Some Sugar In My Bowl", "I'm Not In Love", "Gone Away"

THE ALBUM IS IN STORES NOW!

Buy it on Amazon.com here.

Website: QueenLatifah.com

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Gone Away"
by Queen Latifah
from the album "Trav'lin' Light"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 10:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)