Oh What A Difference Two Days Make... A Dating Update.

Now y'all know I was going through it last Tuesday when I wrote this post. But that next day and the days following that even into this weekend and this new week beginning I feel great. I'm learning to relax, let go of expectations and just live, more importantly, live for me. I've been doing a lot for myself in the past week and have been putting dating and expectations of happiness and living out the rest of my days with "the one" on the back burner. The coolest thing about it is that it's not even a big dramatic change this time. I promised myself that I wouldn't run after another guy, I slipped up for a second and now I'm back. Like I said in the last dating update post "no angry phone calls, no declarative emails, no proclamations via text message" I'm just relaxing and letting things come to me now.

When I saw Pubby last Sunday he said that he wanted to meet up on Thursday. I agreed but I wasn't gonna put much on it. If I got a chance to spend time with him, I'd be nice but if I didn't I'd live. Given his track record, I didn't expect much. He texted me Thursday morning:

P: "Morning sweetheart"

A: "What's good, sexy?"

P: "Not much.. in class :("

A: "Awww I just woke up."

P: "Lucky you.. It is freezing and raining outside"

A: "Really, I woke up in the middle of the nite 2 close my windows last nite it was dumb cold"

P: "Yes, and I'm severely underdressed :("

A: "U didn't watch the weather report babe?  Maybe it will get better, maybe it's just a morning thing."

P: "Nah I Was running late"

A little bit later I was online checking my various email, Facebook and MySpace accounts I get a message on MySpace from, you guessed it, the Pubster:

P: "Hello sir :)"

A: "Whaddup babe,
I'm about to run out to the gym real quik and get me a haircut so I can be back in time to get the house ready 4 ur arrival.
((muah))"

P: "So as you may have anticipated.. I'm not gonna come up after all :( I just can't fathom going home on the train at midnight wearing what im wearing and feeling how I'm sure I'll be feeling..."

A: "Aight, Well I guess no need to rush back then, feel better babe. We'll get up some other time. Just him me up n lemme know :)"

P: "I'll hit u when I get home so we can chat... we can have a phone date! :D"

A: "LOL aight babe. ;)"

P: "For real tho I miss u.. wanna see u and hang out.."

Now if this had been last week, I woulda really been tight after having him cancel on me last minute like that. But ever since I wrote and read and reread and reread that blog post from last week and saw the fool I was becoming along with the fact that Pubby started looking different to me anyway ever since that day he snapped on me, it just became real easy to be indifferent about the whole thing. I shocked my damn self. And what was that last line about? Did I read that shit correctly?

Shortly after Pubby canceled on me, CancelCancel hit me up asking me whether I wanted to go out to BBQ's with him that night (they're doing the relay thing again). Now if this were last week I would have jumped at the chance to go out with CancelCancel, especially after Pubby just canceled on me, so in that case the night wouldn't be totally wasted right? Wrong. Why the fuck is a night with me and just me in my house, surrounded by all the lovely shit that I worked so hard to pay for a wasted night? That's bullshit. See, I'm tryna change the way I think. I was already gonna not go to my ab class at the gym that night in order to spend time with Pubby and Lord knows as much as I love me some ribs, BBQ's wasn't gonna do nothin' for my midsection. So I declined his offer, got my haircut, went to my ab class, did some lifting, came home and baked me some low fat buffalo wings and watched "Family Guy". Oh yeah and that phone date Pubby mentioned, it never happened, it's not as though I expected it to anyway.

Friday afternoon I took some more pics with Nathan "Seven" Scott out in Jersey (look out for more collabos between us in the future). After that I came back into the city and stopped by Verlaine, on the Lower East Side to have a drink with a really good friend from school that I hadn't seen in years. The cranberry vodka there is great, it hardly tasted like liquor and it was only four bucks. I scarfed that thing down like it was kool-aid. If I could have stayed there longer I know I woulda been fucked up, like my birthday party, fucked up (read that blog post here), but I had to meet DJ (DJ Baker of the Doo Dirty-Radio Show) who I've said is like my new big brother, at an open mic thingy up in Harlem. He wasn't the only person I was meeting there.

There's this guy who heard my appearance on DJ's radio show. He came to the blog and then he hit me up on MySpace, we messaged back and forth on there, we exchanged numbers and decided to meet up at this event last Friday night. You'd think I meet get hit on via internet by a lot of people, doing this blog but surprisingly I don't. Dont get me wrong, I get my fair share but I wouldn't call it excessive. Anyway back to the guy, he was cool, he's not on nickname status yet, we'll see where it goes. We all, me, him, his friend, and DJ ended up back at my house having a roundtable discussion about relationships into the wee hours of the morning. We were supposed to go to Shelter that night but the time got away from us and we decided against it.

Saturday, I met up with DJ again downtown to be a part of a taped roundtable discussion for to be included in a future radio show. On my way down there I was on the phone with Pubby and he was telling me about all of this dramatic shit that happened at Shelter the night before. I was so thankful that I didn't end up going to Shelter. The last thing I needed to do was to be around more drama, especially after the party I went to last week. While he was on the phone telling the story and just talking about, well, you know, ummm, Pubby stuff, like fashion, clothes, money, parties, being a part of the upper level of the caste system that is the New York black gay scene (which not to sound overly critical, can be a little superficial and somewhat monotonous at times, that is the scene and him talking about it) I mean, hey, I'm gay too and even I have my moments, we all do, but damn! I get tired of hearing about that stuff sometimes. Anyway, I noticed myself drifting in and out of the conversation as though I'd heard it all before and it never was that interesting to begin with. As much as I was trying to hold on he started to notice. He actually stopped a few times to ask me what was wrong with me and to tell me that I seemed disinterested.  Being the person I am I quickly and vehemently denied such accusations as not to sound the least bit shady. Before I would have been so enthralled listening to him go on about these things but I'm not so much anymore.

Actually I think that this is what it is. When I first met Pubby I knew full well that he was a scenester. He's a pretty boy. He looks good and he knows it. He knows people and people know him on the scene. He's used to going out and getting into the clubs for free, he's a snob, and will not associate or interact with with certain people because of it. He's into going out, drinking, partying, socializing, shopping and just living fabulously. I'm the total opposite, I'm not into the scene, I hardly drink or go out, and am pretty much unknown outside of my circle of friends and I'm totally fine with that. I know that it seems as though I'm painting this horrible picture of him and that we're total opposites and in a lot of ways we are and  a lot of our views are different. There are many times during our conversations when I will find myself holding my tongue as not to argue with him. But when we're alone together he's different. He sheds a lot of that public persona and can be a really sweet guy once you get him by himself. Because we haven't been alone together in a little while I haven't really had any tender unmasked moments with him and all I'm getting in our casual encounters lately is the public persona.

After I finished recording the show with DJ, Pubby and I decided to meet up while I was still Downtown. We were walking up the street and my cell phone rang. It was someone whom I've had several phone conversations with and may have been meeting up with later that night after me and Pubby parted ways. It was Saturday night and in true Pubby style he was going out to two or three parties. Me and the caller had a brief conversation as I was not trying to be rude to my present company. As soon as I hung up the phone Pubby said rather angrily:

P: "Do not talk to one of your dates while you're with me! That's disrespectful! I would not do that to you so don't do it to me!"

A: "How did you know it was a date?"
I said with a devilish smirk on my face.

P: "Don't insult my intelligence Adam! If it was not a date you would have said 'it's not a date'"

Silence. We walked up the street in total silence for the next 45 seconds. I'm not sure what the fuck just happened here. Am I in the fuckin' Twilight Zone or some shit? As amused as I could have been at Pubby's slight showing of jealously I was confused. Isn't this what he wanted, no strings, no commitments, just chillin'? Now he's goin' off on me about other dudes. Is it just as simple as I can just do whatever as long as he doesn't know about it? What I don't get is that he coulda had me, all of me, all to himself a few weeks ago and he didn't want that, he wanted to be "free." So now he's free and I'm free and I just got my head bitten off. But, it's all good, I'm not stressing it, honestly, the tinge of jealousy was cool, at least I know his ass is alive.

We ended up at a fast food restaurant where we had a really, really good convo. We laughed and talked about ourselves, our families, gay issues, politics, and other more genuine things. He even shared something with me that he never shared with anything else. As we conversed and I looked into his eyes I remembered why I started to like him so much in the first place. We continued our conversation as walked to the train station together and waited on the platform. We were going in the same direction but on two different trains. He asked me whether I was going out that night. I told him no, because I had to work in the morning. I also reiterated to him that going out wasn't my thing, it was his thing and that he knows that I like to chill at home. To that he said:

P: "Yeah so you can have your hoes come to the house."

A: "I won't even dignify that statement with a response."

He smiled as my train pulled into the station. I embraced him while slipping in a seductive peck on his neck. I hadn't kissed him on his beautiful pink lips in so long. He said that's he'd call me later that night. I smiled and stepped ontp the train knowing better than to expect my phone to ring that night.

Oh what a difference two days make.

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Playing in The Background...
"If I Could"
by Dru Hill
from the album "Dru World Order"
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