The Velvet Rage
Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man's World
by Alan Downs, Ph.D.
2005 Da Capo Press
If you've been reading the blog lately I'm sure you've noticed that I have gone into a frenzy of introspective self improvement lately. The catalyst has been this wonderful book pictured on the left. I was first told, wait, no told is the wrong word, this book was shoved down my throat daily by Mr. Man, my ex boyfriend. He would extol the virtues of this book, preaching it's gospel anywhere and everywhere he met another gay person until it got downright annoying. He drove me absolutely crazy about this book.
Last week one of my good friends, who he also told about the book read it and was singing it's praises as well. I'm really not the self help type, or the book type, but since they are both endorsing it so much I may as well give it a shot right? So I stopped being skeptical and just bought the dayum book. I have to tell you they were right. This is absolutely the best book I have ever read. It literally changed my life and thew way I look at myself and everyone else. Every gay man I know is getting this book for birthdays, Christmas, or whenever. I'm already buying two copies of the book for friends. If you know anyone that has recently come out or if anyone ever comes out to you, give them a condom, some lube, and this book.
"The Velvet Rage", named for the soft beautiful facade gay men use to hide the hurt anger and shame they feel, not for the Janet Jackson album, was written by Dr. Alan Downs, Ph.D., a gay, Santa Fe, New Mexico based psychologist, who was once married to a woman before coming out. He has compiled his experiences working with gay male patients for over 15 years (including actual quotes from them) into this wonderful, insightful book. The overall theme of the book is help gay men find their authenticity and rid themselves of the shame and rage we feel growing up in a less than supportive society.
It even answers questions that most of us seldom ask such as why gay men excel in beauty, fashion and the arts? Why gay male wit is usually so dry and sarcastic? Or why we keep repeating the same harmful relationship patterns? It's all explained in the book.
The most wonderful thing about this book is that unlike most books written for a gay male audience it's not about sex. It hardly mentions it. It's focus is instead on helping gay men find joy and authenticity from inside themselves through self exploration. Much of the books lessons can be applied to anyone, whether gay or straight, male or female. But they are given in relation to the struggles that gay males face.
The book basically breaks the gay life cycle down in three stages and I'm paraphrasing here:
Stage One: Overwhelmed By Shame
This stage is where a gay man is "in the closet" and fearful of his sexuality.Stage Two: Compensating For Shame
This stage is where a gay man is out but tries to neutralize his shame by being more successful, outrageous, fabulous, beautiful or masculine.Stage Three: Discovering Authenticity
This stage is where a gay man lets go of all his insecurities and finds what truly brings him joy and contentment.
I got into this book at mid-stage two. Obviously I'm already out, right now I'm exploring all of the things I do to neutralize the shame I feel inside (over-achievement, sycophancy, promiscuous behaviors) and if you have noticed, you have been reading about it.
As I move into stage three Dr. Downs has outlined the "three legs on the stool of contentment", passion, love, and integrity. In striving for those he has also outlined ten lessons on becoming an authentic gay man. I will take on each one of those lessons and apply them to situations in my life in subsequent posts. You may have noticed that this is the first post of a new category on the blog I have created especially for this book. The "The Velvet Rage" category will contain my responses to those ten lessons.
BUY THIS BOOK, don't rent it from the library, BUY IT! It's a reference book, one I'm sure you will pick up over and over again. Even if you feel like everything is okay with you buy it anyway, it's absolutely great, it's an easy read (191 pages, I read it in two and a half days) and it's cheap. It's only $11.66 on Amazon. I have never recommended a book here before but I am begging you with everything I have to read this book.
Buy "The Velvet Rage" on Amazon.com here.
LINKS:
- A preview of "The Velvet Rage". Read actual pages from the book, courtesy of Google Books.
- Dr. Alan Downs' appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show
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Playing In The Background...
"Twisted Elegance"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "The Velvet Rope"
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PS: Notice that there's a new "Books" category too and that this is the "first" book every gay man must own, there is a second one. I'll post about that soon.
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