Being born in New York, the gayest city in America and quite possibly the world and living in Manhattan, the gayest borough in the gayest city in America and quite possibly the world, I have become extremely comfortable with my gayness and the gayness of others. Sure there were the awkward teenage years and the prying inquiries of family and straight friends as to why I didn't have a girlfriend or when I was gonna get me some pussy, etc., but I'm a grown-up now and all that shit is ancient history. Living here makes me feel like I'm in some sort of gay security bubble. The gays kiss and hold hands and shop and dine all over Manhattan with virtually no fear of bashing or being hurt. Most people here don't even look at gays funny anymore or even make snide remarks, it's no big deal for the most part.
As black gay people in New York we have our own scene. It's a microcosm of the general New York gay scene, but a scene nevertheless. It belongs to all of us although some of us try to claim larger portions of it than others. Most of us have a love/hate relationship with it and as much as some of us try to distance ourselves from it we all have our dealings with it one way or another. There are even jobs and livelihoods in the scene, there are people who get their bread and butter and pay their bills solely off of the black gay scene (some of them are even black, but I digress). The scene here envelops people and at times makes a city of over eight million people seem like a small town and like citizens of a small town a good portion of our interactions are between each other.
I've noticed that in the years that I've been out and on the scene, so to speak, that I've cut off many of my straight friends. It's not something I did on purpose or even consciously, it just kinda happened. I guess it's one of those situations where the friends of my youth and I have just grown apart. I'm a grown-up now and I'm gay and out and I write a blog about gay life, dating, and relationships. Me talking about the last dude I fucked or the last dude that broke my heart makes straight people, especially male straight people, uncomfortable and I understand that totally. Because I am out about my sexuality and realize that it's not something I can just pick up and put down, their uncomfortability (I just made up a word) with it is going to keep them from a large portion of my life, thus, giving us less time to spend together, thus, giving us less to talk about, thus, giving us less in common, thus, we grow apart.
The event that prompted this blog post was receiving an invite to a friend's birthday party, a fellow homosexual. He has done some work in the entertainment industry and knows quite a few people so I figured that it would be a pretty cool party. I got an email invite sent to my Blackberry and without reading it I texted him back and told him that I would be there (even though he didn't come to my birthday party back in July). Upon further inspection of the invite I saw this line:
"DUDES I ENCOURAGE YOU STRONGLY TO HAVE FEMALES WITHIN YOUR ENTOURAGE AS THIS WILL MAKE THE ADMISSION PROCESS EASY BREEZY!!!"
What the fuck? Is this, is this a straight party? Oh hayell no! And not only is is a straight party, it's one of those straight parties that treats men like second class citizens unless they have a group of half naked women on their arm. And then I read:
"SEXY LADIES FREE BEFORE 1 ( IF U GET THERE LATER THAN THAT AND YOUR SEXY YOU MOST LIKELY WILL GET IN FREE )
MY DUDES: REDUCED ADMISSION BEFORE 12 = $15 AFTER 12 = $20"
Oh nooooooo, it's one of those parties where only the guys pay in an effort to fill the club up with ladies. You know what that means... sausage fest and it ain't the brand that I buy. I'm good.
For me to go a straight party is like being a dog in a butcher shop with your jaw wired shut, it's just not fair. At a straight party you know there are gonna be good looking guys there, good looking guys you don't normally see in your small town of gay-opolis (and probably a few you have seen). You wanna look at them, but you can't look at them, you can't flirt with them or give them the eye because they're straight. And no self-respecting homo wants to be the desperate fag that's always running behind a straight guy. That is beyond lame and tired. So you go to the foreign butcher shop, get yourself all riled up and hungry and still go home with an empty stomach and to an empty bed and it cost you twenty dollars.
On top of all that straight parties make me uncomfortable. I don't feel like I belong there and in a sense I don't. There's no one there for me to dance with so I'll have to stand on the wall and fend off the advances of females all night ("No. I'm sorry, I'm gay. Uh huh, yeah, gay. Yeah, gay, gay. For real. Nice shoes though...") It's like the junior high school and high school prom all over again, that's why I didn't go to that shit. The only times I ever attend a quote-unquote "straight" or "non-gay" party is if it's a family function or an industry/networking event. The social aspect is thrown out of the window there as I'm there strictly for business. I guess I feel the same way about straight parties and heterosexuality as straight people feel about homosexuality. Am I a heterophobe?
No disrespect to my friend, but I can think of much better ways to spend a Friday night. Maybe we can go to dinner or something another time. I'm not sweating too hard because like I said he didn't exactly make it to my birthday party either. Needless to say I'mma sit this one out, we'll get together another time.
This situation made me think about the homos who attempt to validate themselves by saying things like "I don't go to gay parties." or "Most of my friends are straight." like that's supposed to make them special or something. It's your choice to not go to gay parties or not have gay friends and nothing is wrong with that but it certainly doesn't make one person any better than another. All statements like that made in such a self-loathing way do is show how insecure that person is with themselves and their own sexuality.
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Playing In The Background...
"Dog In Heat" feat. Redman & Method Man
by Missy Elliott
from the album "Miss E... So Addictive"
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This is something that I have thought about posting about for quite a while. Within our group of friends, we have a few straight females who go to gay functions with the guys. But for some reason (and you have just explained them) none of the guys will go to the straight clubs with the ladies.
You know...I've recently started going to straight clubs here in DC and I find myself bored most of the time. I go to gay clubs and I don't wait in lines, I know the bar tenders and I rarely have to reach into my pocket for my ID. And, to be completely honest, I don't particularly like straight people, especially str8 boys...and it's no shade...
The str8 clubs in DC are cuter than the gay ones though...
While I completely understand what you're saying, I don't think its all cut and dry. You say yourself that you don't like to go to gay clubs for your reasons, so why not go to a straight party? You may actually have a really good time. And believe me, you will not be the only "gay" there. But, imagine going to a party where there isn't a bunch of shenanigan that comes with going to the gay party. Just like how some straight women go to gay clubs so they can have a good time without thinking about someone trying to holla or getting holla'd at.
I often joke about being heterophobic with friends. In fact, I have a lot of friends who would consider themselves heterophobic. But in reality, there's no such thing. Homophobia only arises from heterosexual privilege. Homosexuals do not have the same privileges heterosexuals have, therefore we cannot be heterophobic. There is no such thing.
I have a lot of straight male friends. In fact, I will say the straight guys I kick it with outweighs the gay guys I hang out with. I don't have a problem discussing my sexuality with my heterosexual male friends.
Though the majority of my friends are straight, that does not mean I'm in anyway insecure or need any type of validation. I know what I'm about, I do me all the time, and I can erase the friend label in seconds. I just somehow connect with straight people. That's just me.
I do not believe that I am HETERO-PHOBIC. I like it when girls hit on me, and I love to go the straight party's. The girls and the straight guys like to see me dance. One of my best friends is straight and her husband and I get along just fine.
Adam, I'm torn. I have friends on both sides of the spectrum. I have gay male friends who, to a large extent invest in me by keeping open communication about my personal life. They (or I should say he, cuz people like that are few and far between) ask and make an effort to keep up with whats going on. Then there are the others who act like my sexuality is a... disability. A crutch, if you will. I have slowly removed most of those people out of my life. I've got one more dude to go.
I know I'm not a heterophobe but I know how you feel. The "straight world" and the "gay world" feel like two distinctly different entities. However, I've made an effort to bridge the gap. I have gone to straight functions and had a great time. But I'm very selective about who I go with and where I go. The "hood" straight clubs, that are normally overcrowded and everyone seems to want to fight, I tend to stay away from.
Those are the ones that usually have the demands (bring a chick, or pay off the bouncer).
Expand your inner circle! There are some decent muff-divers out there. Unfortunately, the ignorant ones will always be ignorant. Anyone who feels uncomfortable about you talking about your life (especially if you aren't dealing or using drugs or killing people) should not be around you.
I'm like Queerkidofcolor in that I have straight friends who love and respect me as a gay man. They aren't uncomfortable in the company of gay men.
One of the best experiences I had in life was working for a company where I was able to be completely out. It was a nonprofit where the head of the agency was an out lesbian. At company functions people brought their "significant other" whether gay or straight and all were welcome. It was one of the most liberating feelings I've ever had and allowed me to realize that when people can bring their entire selves, we get to know one another a lot better.
I now prefer the company of "good" people--those who support and affirm me--regardless of their sexual orientation.
Adam,
I have more straight friends in the Caribbean. I totally understand how you feel about the straight clubs because I hardly go to them unless its a special event something. When I do go, I feel and look so lost in club and worst if a girl tries to talk to me I'll be saying in my mind can't you see I'm GAYYYYY so please introduce me your male friend so we can get to know each other a little better...(laughing)
And straight clubs are indeed stressful because your right when you say there full of fine guys.
This is so true
I feel you on that...I'm the same way! I dont do the lil Frat or "theme" parties, because they're all for Str8 people, LOL. And I'd just look wierd and feel ackward, because there wouldnt be anything for me to "do"...And all the hot eye-candy is str8 & most likely freakin'-up on some butta-face bitch, LOL!
Now, I dont think I'm "Heterophobic" nor do I think you are...It's like bringing a Str8 guy to a Lipstick-Lesbian party. LMAO!!
;-)
Dear Adam: I personally think if a Gay men is comfortable with himself as you claim you are, they should not feel uncomfortable or indiffrent in a non gay setting, why should you feel as if you cant get on the dance floor and dance and carry on at a non gay club? If a female as you to dance then dance with her what's the big deal? The whole notion of only being comfortable around other gay men or gay settings is completely boring to me ( yawn) and unprogressive As Gay men in 2007 especially Black Gay men we can not let the straight people dictate our being. This particular blog entry says to me: "All statements like that made in such a self-loathing way do is show how insecure that person is with themselves and their own sexuality.