December 2007 Archives

Alrighty, for the past few weeks I've been thinking about this, my New Year's resolution for 2008. 2007 was such a good year for me. I started a this blog this year and found you all and in turn you all found me. I'm looking so eagerly forward to '08. I'm like a kid at Christmastime, 2008 is a gift from God that I can't wait to rip open. Thank you Jesus for yet another year.

You'd think because I write so much about love, sex and relationships that my resolution would have something to do with that, but actually no. My love life is what it is, it ebbs and flows, it comes and goes, whatever. As far as that's concerned, I'll ride the love wave and have the best time I can, not sweating whose shore I'll eventually will wash up on. I'm gonna bitch, whine, cry, moan, and complain, sure I am and you'll read about it, we'll go through it together and we'll get over it together, like we always do. I've wasted far too much time already trying to find Mr. Right. In 2008 I have bigger fish to fry.

I hereby declare 2008 the year of business. I'm turning 25 this year and I always told myself that I'd have my shit together by then. I will not live a mediocre life! So here are the things I will accomplish in 2008.

- I'm writing two books in 2008. By the end of next year I should be looking into get my manuscripts published.
- I'm getting my credit together and paying off my student loans in 2008.
- I'm starting a real savings account and will regularly add funds to it.
- I'm gonna take this blog into the stratosphere next year, more writing, more love, more sharing, more experiences, more promotion, more networking, advertisers, more multimedia, and more visitors and even more stuff I'm not at liberty to discuss yet.
- I'm having a grand 25th birthday celebration on Friday, July 25th 2008.

That's it, those are my resolutions and now that I have exposed them to the world I'm forced to carry them out.

Now that that's done I still have to figure out what the hell I'm doing tonight. This holiday season has to be the wackest on record. Christmas was wack and now New Year's Eve is sucking just as bad. There's nowhere to go. Nothin' is really poppin' off this year. All my friends are scattered, it's just really wack. I'll make sure that next year will not be like this. I guess that's a whole 'nother resolution.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Don't do anything that I would do tonight!

((muah))
-Adam

=========
Playing In The Background...
"Brand New Day" feat. Yolanda Adams
by Karen Clark-Sheard
from the album "2nd Chance"
==========

==========
Hikaru Utada
- "Exodus" album cover
- Stills from the "Easy Breezy" video
==========

This is Hikaru Utada, better known as Utada and even better known by fans in her native Japan as "Hikki". You Americans and Europeans have probably never heard of her but she's huge in Asia, having sold 36 million records in Japan alone. Utada is a multi-talented artist, vocalist, writer, producer, and guitar player. One of the most amazing things about Utada is that even though she is full blooded Japanese she sings with no accent. Listening to her music a mix of pop, R&B, dance, rock, and soul without ever seeing her you'd never know what her nationality was.

Though Utada was born in New York she speaks fluent English and Japanese. Virtually all of Utada's recordings are in Japanese. The "Exodus" album (pictured above) is Utada's first large scale English-language album release. It was released in 2004 on Island/Def Jam Records and was penned by Utada and has tracks co-produced by Timbaland. Though the album received virtually no promotion from Def Jam and peaked at only #160 on the US pop charts the album remains a Japanese fan favorite (despite the fact that the album is in English) and a cult classic for hard core English speaking pop music fans (such as myself). She also contributed a track, "Blow My Whistle" featuring rapper Foxy Brown to Def Jam's "Rush Hour 2" soundtrack. R&B artist Ne-Yo recently released a remix of his song "Do You" in Asia as a duet with Utada.

In my opinion "Exodus" is one of the hottest pop records since the turn of the century, featuring some of Timbaland's best and most unobtrusive work and would have definitely produced hits in the US with some promotion. "Exodus" was the pre-cursor of Timbaland's recent reinvention in his work with artists such as Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado and Madonna.

There is speculation of a new, still untitled, English language Utada album to be released on Island/Def Jam in 2008 with rumored production by herself, Ne-Yo, Stargate, Timbaland, Danja, Just Blaze, Kanye West, Justin Timberlake, will.i.am, Bryan Michael Cox, Akon, Pharrell Williams, Diddy, The Neptunes. I can't wait for that. For right now, let's enjoy "Exodus".

"Blow My Whistle" feat. Foxy Brown

"Hotel Lobby"

"Wonder 'Bout"

"You Make Me Want To Be A Man"

"About Me"

"The Workout"

"Easy Breezy"

For more info on Utada:
- Check out her Official Website @ Island Records where you can view the "Easy Breezy" video.
- Watch the "You Make Me Want To Be A Man" video courtesy of Island Records
- Check out her Wikipedia entry

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Hotel Lobby"
by Utada
from the album "Exodus"
==========

Wow, we haven't done a dating update in a minute. Where, oh where do we begin? Well, it's Sunday morning. Praise the Lord everybody. This is the part where y'all all say "Praise the Lord" back. Speaking of the Lord, back in the day, growing up in church, when someone stopped coming to church that person was called a backslider, a person who has fallen from or left from the way. In my dating life I'm also a backslider. In the past week I have totally done a 180 from the quote-unquote "more righteous" path of self denial I'd been etching out for myself in the past few months and I'm really enjoying it. I've also gone back to some people and situations I'd left behind. Reunited and I'm not sure how it feels... Just don't judge me.

Waking up drunken and dehydrated on Nathan's bathroom floor the Friday before last seemed to really put things in perspective for me. I'd been doing way too much and had been trying way too hard to prove that I was "enlightened" and the pressure got to me. I turned to a bottle of Grey Goose vodka for relief. I told you guys and everyone else about it. The general consensus was that I should relax and not be so hard on myself and just be myself in general. So here I am, don't judge me.

The first step to being me was letting all that Puritan shit go. I'm obviously nobody's prude and no one's Puritan. I let the Puritanical homos with their haughty-holier-than-thou attitudes and turned up noses convince me that the online dating thing was bad and beneath me. After forsaking the online thing and actually going out to meet people at parties, in clubs and in bars for the past three months and having a few experiences like the one I had a week and a half ago. I realize that online dating definitely isn't so bad, it's definitely much easier and at the end of the day is much more genuine and no-nonsense. So on December 24th I ended my 93-day hiatus and got back online. The experiment is over! This time though I didn't put up any dick pictures on my profiles in an effort to keep them a little more PG. I'm not trying to attract the casual sex, jumpoff element anymore and you know, with me doing all this stuff as far as the blog and my writing, it's just not the best look. On my BGC profile I even put the address to the blog, nothin' says lovin like free advertisement, don't judge me.

Speaking of lovin' I definitely appreciate the love I've been getting from you all online toward the blog. I've been getting hit up with messages from people telling me how much they enjoy the blog and that they are regular readers. I even got two messages on A4A yesterday from some readers welcoming me back online. "He's back" one of them said. Besides blog lovin' I've been getting plenty of messages about other kinds of lovin' as well:

On BGC I've been getting hit up pretty regularly. I even met up with a friend from college that I haven't seen in two years. We chilled yesterday, it was great to be able to catch up. I actually caught up with a few more friends on there including one of my really good friends who I always know is back in the city from college when I see him on BGC trolling for dates. (You know who you are. Smile.) I even donated some money and upgraded my BGC account so now I can view the mobile site on my Blackberry (Miss Berry the Second) and I can view the site regularly with no advertisements (including the pornographic ones) which means that I can browse BGC at work when I'm bored. BGC is funny, it's evolved from a dating/hookup site to more of a networking/friendship site. It's much more tame than it used to be. It's like the black gay MySpace now. Here's a link to my BGC page.

I signed up for A4A but you know an account there takes 24 hours to process. When I signed in for the first time on the 28th I had 42 new messages. Damn, what a welcome back. Unfortunately, maybe like two of them were actually desirable to me, but I appreciate the love anyway. I hardly ever talked to anyone from A4A anyway. The guys on BGC and even M4N are usually more attractive.

Speaking of M4N, their accounts take 24 hours to process as well. I logged in there for the first time on Friday as well and had 172 new messages. Damn, I thought there was a glitch in the system or something, but there were indeed 172 messages there. I went through all of those and only replied back to about four of them.

With all this messaging back and forth you'd think I would have met up with one of these people. I actually have not. I've exchanged some numbers had a few convos but that's about it. Out of sheer boredom, late Christmas night after my date with this new guy, ummm, it's Sunday and I'm feeling Biblical, lets call him Amos... Lemme digress a little. Amos, I met at that party I went to in Brooklyn, the Friday before last, the same day I got all drunk and pulled a Lindsay/Britney in Nathan's bathroom and went shopping afterward, yeah that day. Amos and I went to see "The Great Debaters" Christmas night, a great movie by the way. As far as the date I guess there was a little Chemistry, he seems like a cool guy, a fellow Leo, but I remember him being cuspy though, like really close to the Cancerous side of things. The conversation was good and there was even a little touching and hand holding during the movie but we didn't kiss at the end of the night though. Not even a kiss on the first date, what kinda Leo is that? There has been some light texting and a phone convo since then, we'll see, don't judge me.

Now where were we? Oh yeah, sheer boredom and shit. Okay, later that night, once I got back home I got a text from Robo-Munchkin. You remember Robo-Munchkin, he was Online Dating Horror Story #4. I first met him a few months back. Short story: he was this short top dude that was trying his hardest to try and fuck me (I'm a top as well) and I laughed in his face. It's actually a very funny story, read it and catch up. Anyway he texts me. I, not recognizing his number and not knowing who the hell he was asked him and he reminded me. Then he asks me if I'm up for having a threesome. I said no as I'm not particularly fond of those. Then he suggests that he come over anyway. I asked why and reiterated to him that I'm a top and that he is not, I repeat not gonna fuck me. He suggests we do oral. I told him that I wouldn't suck his dick either. I just knew that this was the end of our conversation. He says that he's fine with that and that he'd just suck my dick. I agreed to that. Shit, why not? I'm home, alone, horny and a cute guy wants to come and suck my dick, how could I say no? So he comes by, sucks me off, I eat him out and almost fucked him. I would have fucked him except that my dick, the head really, couldn't fit in (That damn mushroom head is a gift and a curse). Uh huh, talkin' all that shit the last time I saw him, the top killer strikes again, don't judge me.

Oh and speaking of my mushroom head and people mentioned in past blog posts, remember Freddy, from this blog post? We did it. Wednesday night. My mushroom head almost made us not able to do it but we pulled it off, don't judge me.

"Maybe I am foolishly in love with someone that is
Not exactly on the same page, that I am on
Well all my friends keep telling me stop
Walking round so blindly
But when he calls they're not around
To ever remind me..."

"I guess I kind of notice he don't always act so kindly
But that doesn't stop my hunger, hunger for his heart
Why should I listen to those, who think that I should move on
Maybe what they see as drama, I see more as art..."

"Can't seem to get past how he makes me feel
May not be love but it feels so real
Can't go with what they say must follow my heart
But now is that even being to to me
Maybe I'm happy, truly content
Maybe this is as good as it gets
Do I have faith in my confidence
Or am I just thinking all hopelessly..."

-Vivian Green
from the song "What Is Love"

Speaking of going backwards, much to my chagrin I must admit that I have started seeing Pubby again.  I know, I know, I know many of you including my own friends have said that he's no good for me, that I deserve better, that I'm "a stupid bitch". But I like him, okay, I do. The times that we are together, though few and far between are great. And it's not like I'm not seeing other people, even though I'd rather just be with him. But ya gotta fill the empty space somehow. **sigh** Don't judge me.

Even though I was really pissed at him and had been giving him the cold shoulder for the past few weeks, ignoring his calls and text messages. Y'all know me and you know I can't stay mad forever. It's just not in me. He hit me up via email one day and we started talking about making peace. We went out to dinner last Sunday to Alfredo Of Rome. We hadn't seen each other in like two months so we got all caught up. We talked out all of our misunderstandings and agreed to communicate better. I'm not putting anything on it this time but I guess we'll see. I'ma just enjoy the time we spend together. He came to my house on Thursday night. In an effort to switch things up I asked him to cook for me this time. He cooked and the food turned out good in spite of the fact that he almost burned my apartment down in the process. Smoke everywhere, coughing, watery, burning eyes, opened windows, the works. Yeah baby, you sit there and look pretty and let papa do all the cookin' from now on. After the smoke cleared it felt so good to hold him in my arms again, don't judge me.

I've had more fun this week than I've had in a long time. Granted, every week won't be as sexual as this one was, and that's more than okay. It just feels good to be myself again, however promiscuous people think that may be. One thing I could say is that I haven't drank and haven't wanted to drown my sorrows in alcohol since that day at Nathan's house, that's a good thing. I'm sure my liver is happy about that and I finally got me some, my dick is very happy about that. In one week I just totally went against everything I'd been preaching for the last few months. Call me a backslider, call me Al Green if you will, just don't judge me.

==========
Playing in The Background...
"Too Close"
by Al Green
from the album "One In A Million"
and
"Tired Of Being Alone"
by Al Green
from the album "Greatest Hits"
==========

I was trying my absolute best not to say anything about this. I was just gonna let it go and leave it alone but it seems like every time I go online, on blogs, on MySpace, on YouTube, on message boards, when I open my email I see it, people I know even ask me about it, it's all over the black gay circuit right now. As much as not saying anything would me more a part of the solution than the problem I just really need this question answered so I'm gonna make this one quick. Could somebody tell me why the fuck do we as gay people care so much about this B2K, Raz B, Chris Stokes bullshit?

Yes why, why should I waste my precious gay time even thinking about this shit? What, because someone allegedly got fucked in the ass it's all of a sudden a gay issue, what manner of bullshit is that? When are we gonna learn that as proud gay people that are lives are defined by more than sex acts and that every time a dude sticks his dick in another dudes ass doesn't mean that we have to come a'runnin'. I've said this before (in this post) and even though people argued me down for saying it I still stand by it. Homosexual acts and being gay are two different things. Period. This whole Raz B mess is not a gay issue, it's a crime issue that should be discussed by a jury in a court of law. And then we wonder why people always associate the gays with child molestation, maybe we should stop associating ourselves with it first. We as black gay people should have given the same cold shoulder to this mess that mainstream media has given it.

Four days ago when I was directed to this video I was disgusted by Raz B's comments that he's not gay, that he's a real man. Whether he's gay or not, who the fuck is he to say that a gay man is any less of a man than a straight man? All of this after he played the role of a gay man on the LOGO series "Noah's Ark". Nobody ever seemed to bring up that point. That should have been the end of him with us right there. I know he totally fucked up with me right there. The fact that after that statement this thing was still all the buzz in the online black gay community astonishes me. We don't have anything else to talk about? He's not gay and he just insulted us to our faces, why are we giving him any coverage?

Instead of getting MySpace bulletins on that shit I wish somebody would have told me that they were airing another piece on Rashawn Brazell's murder America's Most Wanted last Saturday night. I tuned in on pure happenstance and only saw the last minute of it. I wish I could've seen the whole thing. Many of us, like me, especially us here in New York have seen the missing person posters but never knew any of the gruesome details of the crime. Maybe something shown in that piece would have clicked with someone and they could have called in with a clue or something. That broadcast was something I wish I was alerted about rather than having been beat over the head with this other bullshit for the last four days.

Now there's supposed to be some video of Raz B recanting his statement. All of this after the gays have been going off over it for the last four days... figures. One day we'll learn.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Back Stabbers"
by the O'Jays
from the album "The Ultimate O'Jays"
==========

PS: And if one gay person tells me that they watched Raz B's reality show or whatever the fuck he's trying to do with his washed up career I'm gonna go the hell off! Be warned.

Hello my lovely readers...

That unmarked present under the tree, the one wayyyyyy in the back, that's for me right? Y'all saved me a place at the dinner table, right? In the corner, right? Oh, and make sure I get some of the white meat. 'Cuz I don't like turkey like that anyway, but if I must eat it I'ma only eat the white meat.

Nah, lemme stop...

I want to thank all of you who have stopped by, visited, read, sent me emails, and left comments all throughout the year.

In celebration of our first Christmas together I'm posting some of my favorite Christmas music.

Enjoy.

Have a wonderful day and a Merry and Blessed Christmas with your family and friends. Hopefully you're not stuck at work like me... ugh! I'm so over this.

-Adam

==========
Playing In The Background...
"What Child Is This"
by Vanessa Wiliams
from the album "Star Bright"

and
"Silent Night"
by Kelly Price
from the album "One Family: A Christmas Album"

and
"Hark The Herald Angels Sing"
by BeBe & CeCe Winans
from the album "First Christmas"

and
"O Come, O Come Emmanuel"
by Richard Smallwood with Vision
from the album "Rejoice"

==========

Someone who characterizes himself as "The Answer Man" left this in response to yesterday's blog post "Maybe It's Just Me...":

Dearheart,
It is possible you are projecting your needs onto them when they are merely being friendly. What you perceive as flirtation may simply be polite conversation in their mind.

From reading your blog it does appear you see men in very distinct categories--"a piece", cuddle buddy, hook-up, etc. Is there no place in your easy compartmentalization of your relationships for someone who is just a friend? Or must everyone be either a potential fuck or a past fuck?

Instead of asking what's wrong with other men, you might take a look in the mirror.

-The Answer Man

I'm sure that you've seen this robotic new promo picture for Pop superstar, Janet Jackson's "Feedback" single and "Discpline" album already. It's all over the blogs. It's a hot ass picture. What I wonder is what R&B singer and fellow Atlanta-ite Janelle Monae thinks of it, especially since her robotic looking promo pic for her album "Metropolis" (a great album by the way) came out almost six months ago.

Just wondering, not tryna be messy. It's just something that made me go hmmm this gloomy Sunday afternoon and I thought I'd share.

Click here for more info on Janet
Click here for more info on Janelle Monae

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Playing In The Background...
"Feedback"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Discipline"
and
"Violet Stars Happy Hunting"
by Janelle Monae
from the album "Metropolis"
=========

==========
Okay, after rereading today's blog post I realize that I'm a little angry. If you are innocent and I offend you in the next few moments I do sincerely apologize.

-Adam
==========

A few weeks ago, Wednesday, December 5th to be exact, I went out to two parties after work that night. I noticed this guy at the first party, DJ noticed him too. He was short, nice face, like 5'7-5'8, light brownskinned, thin, with a fat little ass, definitely our type. I would have probably said something to him, or at least introduced myself but he was leaving and with him another chance to find true love or at least a date for the upcoming weekend. Okay, that was a little dramatic, but you know what I mean.

Shortly after, we (Me, DJ, Shorty, Tye Sexy, and Soulgee aka our crew "Media Inc.") left the party to head down to Dwight's weekly function at Mocca. Once we arrived at the 28th street downtown 6 train station and went through the turnstiles the first person I saw, of course was the guy from the party. He was speaking with a friend, they signaled for Tye Sexy. She went over and talked to them while I stood with my boys about 10 feet down the platform. Every so often I'd glance over at him while DJ and I contemplated my next move. At that point I'd kinda decided to leave things alone. I figured that I'd had my chance at the party. I could have stopped him before he walked out of the door. Besides, I never made a habit of picking up guys on subway trains anyway.

When the train arrived fate would have it that we all end up in the same car and that I would end up entering the train car right behind him and that he would turn to the door that I leaned up against and that we'd be face to face. So I said "Hi." We shook hands and exchanged names. Then the eyes turned on, his and mine. You know "the eye", the "I'm-attracted-to-you-I'm-tryna-see-what's-good" eye, followed by some flirtatious smiles and lip licking. There was definitely chemistry there, beakers and test tubes, white lab coats and shit. So I gave him one of my promo cards (I never leave home without them, that's how half of y'all found my blog) and we exchanged numbers. We talked briefly a few days later. I asked him out on a date and he told me that he'd be busy until the following Sunday and just about all this stuff he's doing in general. The conversation felt a little rushed. After that I just thought I'd leave it alone. I hate meeting a decent guy to find that he's too busy for me. I figured if he's busy like that it probably would never work for us anyway. I'm a Leo, we need attention. I'm not the kind of boy that you can let down and think that everything is okay. 'Cuz boy I am only human. This boy needs more than occasional hugs as a token of love from you to me... I digress, I just went off on a tangent there. I will PayPal thirty-two cents to the first person who can tell me what song my little digression is from.

Anyway, I got to work that next Tuesday and I ran into his number again in my phone. So I decided to text him. Why didn't I just leave well enough alone?

Adam: "Whaddup, it's Adam... from the train, remember me?"

Guy At Party: "Sorry sir. Been busy with work and preparing to move and just a lot of good things." How are u?"

A: "I figured as much. I thought I'd give you a lil time. I'm good. Where u movin' to?"

GAP: "[Another borough of New York City], next month. How are you?"

A: "I'm fine. A lil busy myself. I was thinking about u last night and thought I'd hit u up. So I'm sayin', when can I see u?"

GAP: "We can get together and hang as friends."

A: "So we couldn't go out on a date?"

GAP: "My boyfriend would not appreciate that."

A: "Gotcha. :)"

GAP: "Well I said we can still hang as friends."

Fuck outta here... hang as friends? Hang as friends? Say what!?! Get the fuck outta here! What kinda new fangled shit is that? (smile Dwight & kiemie) Anyway, I'm not even gonna fuck with this right now, there's more...

So I'm at another party last week. This fine ass dude walks in. I don't remember who I was standing next to but all I remember is saying to them "Dayum, who is that?" Actually, I don't think I'd ever seen him around before. That nigga was fine, he was around my height, lightskinned, toned body, and a beautiful face. DJ saw him too and he was also, definitely our type.

I watched him for a while. I wanted to see who he was talking to, who he knew, whether he came in to meet somebody, like a boyfriend of something. He didn't appear to have any romantic involvement with anyone at the party so I prepared to make my move. I sat by him, bringing over Kiemie for moral support and we all talked, me and him Kiemie and his friend. After awhile I got him alone and the eyes turned on again, mine and his. The whole time we conversed we never broke our mutual stare, there was definitely chemistry, I'm talking about mint Mentos and Diet Coke here. So much so that his friend came back and asked whether he was "interrupting something". We actually had a whole lot in common, especially our taste in music, more so than I do with the average person, which was actually really refreshing. So after talking for the better part of an hour I asked him for his number. We exchanged digits and I told him that I'd like to see him again sometime. Him and his friend left not too long after that. After exchanging two lingering embraces he left for the night. I have to admit I was a little excited. Yeah, me, excited, I shoulda known that this was gon' be trouble. I texted him the next day:

Adam (about 12 p): "I was wondering if we could do something this weekend? I'd love to chill w/ u and show you my music collection. :)"

Fine Ass Guy (about 1:30p): "I'm doing good. Sorry about not texting you. I'm at work. How are you?"

A: "It's all good. I'm home, working on my blog, tryna ask u out on a date this weekend, what's good?"

FAG: "Aww, that's so nice. I'm leavin' 4 the holiday."

A: "Aight, well when are u leavin/coming back? Maybe we can work something out. U can call me if you want if ur not still at wk."

(Did you just cringe at that statement? Because I cringed, I even threw up in my mouth a little. I reached so hard on that one that I may have dislocated my shoulder. Ouch.)

FAG: "Ok, I'll call on my break."

A: "Kewl."

1102p, 10 motherfuckin' hours later. He obviously never called. Now here's where I shoulda left well enough alone, but ya know me. I always gotta push it.

A: "Whaddup?"

The next motherfuckin' day.

A: "What's good? U harder to find than a straight man in Atlanta. I'm still tryna kick it w u... When can you fit in a little time 4 me?"

Ahhh, dignity. Only but a distant memory now.

FAG: "LOL U work today?"

A: "Nah I'm off, what about u? Can I c u before u leave?"

FAG: "Well you know I have a bf and me and him are supposed to go out when he gets off."

A: "No I didn't know that and boy is he a lucky man... Aight  then, I won't bother u. Have a good time then."

Now I see why Mr. Nederlander failed my black ass in 10th grade chemistry. I wouldn't know chemistry if the shit blew up in my face (which it does all too often). I don't understand this. Maybe I'm not seeing something, maybe I'm missing something, but please someone, anyone of you my lovely reading public answer this question for me:

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU FLIRT WITH SOMEONE AND EXCHANGE NUMBERS WITH SOMEONE KNOWING GOOD AND DAMN WELL YOU HAVE A MAN?

Maybe it's me...? Am I crazy? Am I reading too much into things? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. But, I mean, this shit is crazy. Like, did they exchange numbers with me out of pity? That's so fucked up. If you don't like me or think I'm ugly or whatever just tell me. Just be fucking honest with me. That's much easier to deal with than this. But don't give me false hope that you may want to communicate with me further on a romantic basis, if you know you don't or if you know you have a man.

And don't give me none of that friendship bullshit either. If a guy comes up to you in a club or at a party and flirts with you and asks you for your number you know good and damn well he doesn't wanna be your friend. And if you have a man you don't have no business flirting with me or giving me your number anyway.

Like, what the fuck? Was I too needy? Did I come on too strong? You meet someone at a party, you exchange numbers, you text/call the next day and set up a date. Is this not the natural progression of things anymore. Did I miss a memo or something?

You know what. Today I have to admit I miss being online. The whole online dating, A4A/BGC/M4N thing. I've been doing the whole Puritanical, meeting people the organic way shit for what like three, four months now and it's bullshit, pure fucking bullshit. At least when I log on to the fucking internet I know what the fuck I'm getting. Hi, Hi, ur cute, ur cute too, okay, alright, let's date/talk/fuck, okay. And if you don't like somebody you just don't return their message like a fucking compassionate human being. All of this splendor in the privacy of my motherfucking home. I have half a mind to say fuck it and go the hell back. Fuck these Puritanical bitches, they can turn their noses up at me all they want 'cuz they asses is lonely too.

This is such bullshit. Men are all fucking bullshit. Fuck 'em all, damn them all to hell, the whole fucking evil lot of them. Fuck this, I'm going to me something to eat... Where's my cuddle-buddy?

==========
Playing In The Backg...
OH, FUCK THE FUCKING BACKGROUND MUSIC!
==========

PS: Oh and fuck the bitch who says I bring this on myself and is all on that "it's what you put out there", snap-snap, "Love Jones", coffeehouse, neo-soul, tofu-soy eating, poetry reading, universal energy, mystical bullshit. Like I go looking for this shit! Fuck you bitch!

"I'll NEVER have sex with a man..."
"I'll NEVER have sex with a man without a condom..."
"I'll NEVER suck dick..."
"I'll NEVER cry over a dude..."
"I'll NEVER have a one night stand..."
"I'll NEVER fuck somebody I'm not attracted to..."
"I'll NEVER have a threesome..."
"I'll NEVER have a foursome..."
"I'll NEVER catch an STD..."
"I'll NEVER catch that STD again..."
"I'll NEVER cheat on my boyfriend..."
"I'll NEVER be stupid for a guy..."
"I'll NEVER sleep with someone who has a boyfriend..."
"I'll NEVER start drinking..."
"I'll NEVER let myself get drunk..."

These are fifteen things I said I'd never do. Yet over the past four and a half years I've done them all, repeatedly. Yesterday I added a sixteenth thing to that list. I'll NEVER use alcohol to try escape from reality... that is until yesterday.

Christmas is rapidly approaching, it'll be here before we know it, it's Tuesday. For some reason we all seem to believe that our lives aren't complete unless we are romantically involved around the holidays. I, as much as I'd like to say I don't, would be lying my ass off if I didn't say I believed it as well, at least somewhat. I have a "cuddle-buddy" now and what we share is great, great in the moments that we share it. But in the morning I'm still alone. I mean we're not in a relationship and I totally understand that that's what being cuddle-buddies is all about. I'm starting to like him a little though but he's made it crystal clear that he's not in the market for a relationship, due to some past trauma. That's the story of my life. I like a guy, he would probably like me if his ex didn't mess him up so bad. If I had a dime for every time I heard that one I'd be typing this blog post from a top floor penthouse further downtown instead of in the messy bed of my studio apartment. I'd also been out meeting people this month, the last two numbers I got at a parties turned out to be from guys who already had boyfriends. Of course I didn't find out until I texted them days later. Like, why would you flirt with me and give me your number if you have a boyfriend? Maybe I'm just reading too much into it and seeing what I wanna see. How pitiful? What the hell is wrong with me? I hate that I'm that way, always with that glimmer of hope shit. I'll talk about that in further detail in a later post.

"But my love for myself is lacking a little bit
I can admit that I'm working on it
Staying faithful...
Just like you, sometimes I get down
Sometimes I just wanna cry
Sometimes I get so depressed
Just like me, tryna be complete
Just understand we're all just a work in progress..."
-Mary J. Blige
from the song "Work In Progress (Growing Pains)"

Besides my love life being miserable, pitiful, sad, and totally fucked up, a pain I've learned to accept, one that I numb with strawberry shortcake, shopping, high-end consumer electronics, work and now liquor, lately I've learned to like the feeling of being tipsy, but even that contingency plan started to unravel yesterday. Thursday night I woke up after 7pm. I can't believe I wasted the whole fucking day sleeping. I have so much to do and that's time I can't get back. I needed to finish everything before I go back to my "real" job at the hotel on Sunday and I've already wasted a fuckin' day. And this is yet another day I haven't gone to the gym. I haven't been to the gym in almost two months and it's starting to show, my body is a mess. I'm losing all my definition, my wifebeaters are fitting funny and I've all but lost the little bit of chest I had. My arms aren't tight anymore, my abs are becoming undecipherable. I look a mess. If I go out to another party and see another thin boy who's body is better than mine I'm... Fuck, I don't know what I'll do.

I turn over to my right nightstand to realize that my Blackberry died, the one that I just got November 21st, the day before Thanksgiving. It won't charge. I was back and forth on the phone arguing with the wireless company and the insurance company. While to normal people this would be no big deal I've always had this weird hatred of calling big companies 800 numbers and dealing with those automated systems. It annoys me to no end and I hate having to argue, having to fight for my rights as a customer. Why can't people just give you what the fuck you motherfuckin' paid for without all this fuckin' complication? They sure don't make things this complicated when they're taking the fuckin' money off my debit card every month. All of the arguing to no avail because I had to wait for an insurance adjuster to call me sometime tomorrow to further verify my claim. WHAT THE FUCK?!!! This was the last thing I needed in my life right now. I went off on those insurance company people, still to no avail. Now I had to figure out how to get the hundreds of important contacts I had in this phone out before the battery dies (no, they weren't saved to the SIM card). I had to do this immediately.

"Living up to everyone's expectations
condemned me to a world of damnation.
I gotta clear these voices from my head
All these opinionated noises..."
-Mary J. Blige
from the song "Destiny"

All of this was going down as I was supposed be working on a website project that I fell asleep on, one of two that I'm already behind on and had already received 50% deposits for. As great an opportunity these projects are and as much as they would look good in my portfolio sometimes I wish I could afford to just give the money back and run away. But I need the money and I hate breaking my promises even more than I want to run away so there I was. I sat up on my bed in a daze, bewildered, not knowing where to start, the voices in my mind talking over each other arguing over which thing I should do next.

Then another voice spoke up and reminded me that I hadn't written anything for Enrique Cruz's Gay Sex Report blog, the blog I'm an associate writer of in almost two weeks. I saw him last Saturday and promised him that I'd put something up on Sunday. I saw him last night at Shorty Roc's birthday party and thankfully he didn't mention it, but I just knew I was gonna put something up today and I haven't, shit! He doesn't pressure me about it, he's actually a real sweetheart, that actually puts even more pressure on me. I didn't wanna disappoint someone who has been so cool to me. But frankly, I haven't been in a mood to lightheartedly banter about sex lately. My heart is anything but light right now.

Then I remembered that I had a meeting scheduled with my cuddle-buddy that night. Fuck! I was supposed to have everything finished by now but I fucking fell asleep, what the fuck? Shit! Dammit! I had to deal with all of this, so I called him and canceled, the slight disappointment and annoyance in his voice sucker punched me in the gut but there was nothing to do. I wanted to see him too. We hadn't seen each other since last weekend and I missed him all week. But I had to handle this and I was way too angry and annoyed to be good company to anyone tonight. So I took out a composition notebook and attempted to write down every number in my dying phone. As I opened the notebook I thought, 'fuck it, I won't let this keep my down'. So I called my cuddle-buddy back, uncanceled our appointment, threw on something and made my way to his place.

"How do you feel when the one you love
Doesn't, doesn't seem real?
Do you run, or do you try to heal
The hurt inside..."
-Mary J. Blige
from the song "In The Meantime"

Those hours that I laid next to him all of my troubles seemed to melt away. It felt so good to have him in my arms and kiss his lips and caress his face. I only wish it were real. He woke up and left for work Friday morning leaving me in bed in his dimly lit apartment. As I rolled out of his bed I gathered my things and thought of how I was going to attack this, yet another day. I got back home to face my laptop, dirty apartment, messy-ass bed, and a million tasks still undone but I was still on the high of being with him last night so it didn't seem so bad anymore. After turning on my laptop to begin tackling this pile of work I see my cuddle-buddy online. Before asking him out to the movies this weekend via IM I insinuate that maybe last night could lead to something more. I was quickly shut down and brought back to Earth. It's not his fault though. I knew what I was getting into with him. Any pain I feel as a result of our interaction is all my fault. At the same time that fine-ass dude I thought I made a connection with on Wednesday night just texted me and told me that he has a boyfriend. THEN WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU FLIRT WITH ME AND GIVE ME YOUR MOTHER FUCKIN' NUMBER THEN? Breathe Adam, breathe.

As my high wore off my apartment seemed to get smaller and dirtier, my bed and life messier. Then I received an IM from Nathan. Fuck! We're supposed to record more of the mini-series today. I'm so not up to this shit. I wanted to cancel but I realized that Nathan is busy and I didn't wanna waste his time and shit, I'm a professional, the show must go on. People expect a show every Thursday and I'll be damned if they don't get it, especially over this shit. Fuck that. I gotta find a way to pull it together and get shit done. After getting a retarded-ass call from my boss at my real job on my day off and arguing with the insurance company again I pulled myself together and left the house. Last night was only the placebo and it helped me escape from the shambles that is my life for a few hours, today I need the real thing.

On my way out to Nathan's place I mentally compiled my what's fucked up right now checklist. Work, check; high-end consumer electronics, check; love life, check, check, check. All I was left with was strawberry shortcake and liquor. I grabbed a $20 bottle of Grey Goose vodka, cranberry juice and a slice of diner strawberry shortcake on the way to Nathan's. You want a show Nathan, well dammit I'll give you a hell of one today.

"Sometimes I wish that I could stand here and fade away
So that no one could see the tears running down my face..."
-Mary J. Blige
from the song "Fade Away"

On camera I binged on strawberry shortcake, my first meal of that day, while downing damn near the whole bottle of Grey Goose with less and less cranberry juice with each glass. I proceeded to tell Nathan about all that I'd been going through as I slipped further into drunkenness. As I babbled on and on I'm sure I divulged more than I should have as liquor is a truth serum for me. There were a few moments where I wanted to cry but I'd never let that happen, definitely not in front this camera, or in front of anyone else. By my third glass I felt myself fading away, fading away from all my problems, all my concerns, I was somewhere else.

I wish I weren't so sensitive, I wish I wasn't such a perfectionist, I wish I didn't care so much. I wish I wasn't such a whore all those years then maybe somebody would trust me. Why do I have to be such a pussy-ass girl about everything? Why can't I just roll with the punches and take it like a man? Why can't I ever like somebody that likes me too? These unanswered questions that painfully echo through my mind everyday I couldn't hear anymore now that I was drunk. The voices drowned in the sea of alcohol that tempestuously moved about my brain. It filled their lungs, they asphyxiated themselves as they struggled to rise to the surface.

When the camera was turned off I stumbled my way down the hall to Nathan's bathroom. I had to piss like a racehorse. As I fumbled to release my dick from my boxers, my longjohns and then my jeans to urinate my brain spun like a centrifuge. The very Earth I was standing on began to move violently like a rollercoaster. After I relieved myself I sat on the lid of the toilet, holding on to the sink and to my head for dear life. My body was at war with the alcohol. My internal organs crying out in pain, violently heaving, fighting against this foreign substance I've mercilessly poured into them. 

"Jesus, am I dying?"
"Lord Jesus, what have I done?"
"Have I poisoned myself?"

I asked as volcanic pressure began to build in my stomach. Suddenly warm, pungent red lava projected from my mouth narrowly missing the sink. I vomited. Looking into the sink I could still recognize the little pieces of strawberry from the cake I'd just gorged myself on and there were a few things that were processed beyond recognition. Just then I threw up again, and again, and again. The next thing I remember is laying down in a way that my feet would secure the door from being opened. I didn't want Nathan or anyone else to see me this way. I passed out face down on the bathroom floor.

"I got to laugh to keep from crying, yeah
To hide all the pain inside..."
-Mary J. Blige
from the song "The Love I Never Had"

When I awakened about an hour or two later I cleaned the sink and stumbled to the living room. Nathan asked me whether I was okay and I answered affirmatively as I clutched a pillow on the couch and I was out again. The next time I awakened it was after 8pm, Nathan's boyfriend was there handing me water and two aspirins. Realizing that I'd done more than overstayed my welcome, I may be stumbling drunk, but that's no excuse to forget my manners, I pulled myself together, left Nathan's place, convincing him that was more okay than I really was and stumbled my way into Kennedy Fried Chicken and ordered two chicken breasts, fries and a bottled water to replace all that I'd thrown up. I ravenously ate it on my way back into the city, where I went shopping and then to a party last night, where I didn't drink but I jokingly regaled friends and associates with the previous happenings of the day. I got back home at five this morning to the same small dirty apartment and messy-ass bed to realize that nothing had changed. I guess the joke's on me. Never say never.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Work In Progress (Growing Pains)"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
and
"Destiny"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "No Nore Drama"
and
"In The Meantime"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "No Nore Drama"
and
"Fade Away"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
and
"The Love I Never Had"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Mary"
==========

Hot on the heels of "The Flawless Video" we collaborated on a while back, producer, Nathan "Seven" Scott came to me with an idea, a spinoff of sorts, a series of weekly one man shows starring me. He wanted to title it "adam. the mini-series". Even though I was flattered by the idea I was also a little apprehensive as I never thought I would be interesting enough to pull this sort thing off.

We persevered, we brainstormed, we filmed and after some prodding by Nathan we actually got some good stuff. Upon seeing the final product I was really excited. The best way to describe the mini-series would be to say that it's an audible, ocular extension of the blog. Talking about my life and experiences on film comes off in a different way than it does on paper. I'm not rehashing the things that I've shared here but rather telling new stories, and in many ways going deeper inside myself than I've ever gone before. I'm also gonna be tackling some social issues as well. Some of the things you'll see me share in the weeks ahead I'd almost rather have not said, but once its out there it's out there. So sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. I sure did.

-Adam

In this week's episode me and Nathan chill in the building and chat about:
- My (social) drinking
- Alcoholism and drug abuse in the black gay community
- Substance abuse and it's affect on relationships
- Beyonce
- People who complain

Be sure to comment on the video and let me know what you think.

Just in case you have a problem playing the embedded video here here's the YouTube direct link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJ2uOTUS-xk

CATCH ALL-NEW EPISODES OF "ADAM. THE MINI-SERIES EVERY THURSDAY!!!

For more Nathan "Seven" Scott produced videos check out his YouTube channels:
The & Show
The Nathan "Seven" Scott Experience

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Breakin' Dishes"
by Rihanna
from the album "Good Girl Gone Bad"
==========

==========
Girls Aloud: (from left to right, first pic) Sarah Harding, Kimberley Walsh, Nicola Roberts, Nadine Coyle, Cheryl Cole
- Their 2007 album "Tangled Up"
- Their 2005 album "Chemistry"
==========

If you haven't already noticed it, at the end of almost all my blog posts I have a "Playing In The Background..." section. It usually lists a song that has something to do with the subject matter of the post. Because I'm such a music fanatic, as I'm living my life, going through all the things I go through, corresponding songs always pop up in my head. My fanaticism isn't limited to musical acts from the United States though. A lot of the songs titles I post up are by groups most people I know have never heard of. Lately I've been getting questions about who some of these acts are and since I feel that they're so great to find a way to expose everyone to them. Today I have.

I want to take this time to introduce you to my girls, Girls Aloud (whose name is actually a play on words, Girls Aloud/Girls Allowed, get it?), my favorite female pop group. They are from the United Kingdom and were formed in 2002 on the British version of an American Idol/Popstars-like reality show entitled "Popstars: The Rivals." Most people doubted that they'd make through recording their first record, but four albums and 17 consecutive UK top singles later (even more than the Spice Girls) they're still here and going strong. In their review of the Girls current album "Tangled Up" the BBC hailed them "Undoubtedly the best girl band the UK has ever seen."

I discovered them through their 2005 album "Chemistry". Then, I, like most Americans had no idea who they were, but after seeing the cover art I was intrigued. I wanted to hear more and I'm so glad I did. "Chemistry" is one of my favorite pop albums of all time with "Tangled Up" not too far behind.

Girls Aloud, though regarded as pop artists infuse their music with many elements such as ska, R&B, reggae, rock, house, techno, dance, and classical. The writing and production team behind all of their music is Xenomania. Unlike most American pop music, Xenomania has constructed songs for the girls such as "Biology" and "It's Magic" that do not have your standard verse-chorus-verse-chorus-bridge format, with drastic music changes and choruses coming in two and three minutes into the song. "Biology" is often described as three songs in one and is one of the most unique, off beat pop songs I've ever heard.

So, here's your chance to hear why I love Girls Aloud so much. Listen to some of my favorite tracks from them below. Be sure to comment and tell me what you think.

-Adam

From "Tangled Up":
Fling:

Can't Speak French:

Close To Love:

Control Of The Knife:

Girl Overboard:

Call The Shots (Live From BBC Radio):

From "Chemistry":
Swinging London Town:

See The Day:

It's Magic:

Biology:

Whole Lotta History:

For more info on Girls Aloud, check out their official website: GirlsAloud.co.uk
Check out the Girls Aloud Official MySpace Page
Buy Girls Aloud music from HMV.co.uk

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Can't Speak French"
by Girls Aloud
from the album "Tangled Up"
==========

Last Saturday I attended a taping of my good friend DJ Baker's Doo-Dirty Radio Show. He was doing some interviews with a few gay porn stars T-Malone, Azucar and Peanut. Urban gay porn magnate Enrique Cruz was there as well. Right before I sat down at the table Azucar asked me "What movies have you starred in?" I have to admit I was flattered. I've always had a secret desire to do a porno movie. I don't see myself going through with it though. Anyway, while we were all just sitting around, Enrique Cruz, the renaissance man he is, pulls out his camera and starts taping their conversation about sex, dicks, porn etc. I even make a cameo as well. Check out the convo while it's hot and while it's still on YouTube:

Just in case you have a problem playing the embedded video here here's the YouTube direct link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZJceeW6884

LINKS:
- For more behind the scenes footage and a view into the life of my favorite porn director Enrique Cruz, check out his blog: EnriqueCruzBlog.com
- Check out the Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show. The best damn radio show ever!

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Porno Star"
by Joe Budden
from the album "Joe Budden"
==========

It's official. Janet Jackson is back with a new album and a new label. I know I already gave my thoughts on the new single a few days ago but I was just emailed the official press release from Def Jam Records. I was asked to post it so I'll post about Janet again, usually I wouldn't post about someone again so soon but I did because it's Janet and she's my favorite. Def Jam really is not playing this time as they're seeking out bloggers like me to help push the record.

Along with the press release, they sent me a high quality digital copy of Janet's infamous new promo pic and an official copy of the radio version of "Feedback". Of course I have made them available for you to download. Consider it an early Christmas gift to you, all of my lovely Janetalia out there. All I know is that they betta remember my black ass when the advance copies of the album go out.

Hmmm, maybe the record labels are finally getting it, getting the fact that they've gotta go the extra mile to reach people nowadays. They can't just throw a record out there with no promotion and expect it to sell. This ain't the 90's, it don't work like that no more. I'm loving the direction the label is going with the promotions for "Discipline" and I'm starting to get really excited about this project. Here's the official press release:

####

JANET JACKSON TO RELEASE "FEEDBACK" – DEBUT SINGLE AT ISLAND DEF JAM MUSIC GROUP, IMPACTS JANUARY  7th 

 

LEAD TRACK FROM DISCIPLINE –  IDJ DEBUT ALBUM, SET FOR FEBRUARY 26 ^th RELEASE

 

"Feedback" produced by Rodney Jerkins – other producers on new album include Jermaine Dupri,  Ne-Yo, Stargate, Tricky Stewart, and The-Dream

 

Janet Jackson currently starring in Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married? , #1 box office smash

 

            (December  13, 2007 – New York, NY)  International megastar Janet Jackson, who has sold over 100 million albums worldwide and is the newest signing to the Island Def Jam Music Group, has completed her first new single for the label with hitmaking producer Rodney Jerkins.  "Feedback" will impact across-the-board at all radio formats on January 7th. 

 

            DISCIPLINE, Janet Jackson's new album – and the 10 ^th studio album of her career – is scheduled to arrive in stores on February 26^th.  In addition to Rodney Jerkins, the new album brings together an A-list of guest producers, including Jermaine Dupri, Ne-Yo, Stargate, Tricky Stewart, and The-Dream.  DISCIPLINE was executive produced by Antonio "L.A." Reid, Chairman, Island Def Jam Music Group.

 

            In a class all by herself, 5-time Grammy Award-winning and Oscar-nominated  Janet Jackson is currently starring in Why Did I Get Married?, the smash hit movie by Tyler Perry, which opened #1 at the box office.  This is the third motion picture of Janet's career, and her third to open at #1, following the success of Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), and her leading title role in John Singleton's Poetic Justice (1993).

Click here to download the huge (3048x3273 1.8mb) high quality promo pic.

Play the official radio edit of Janet's new single "Feedback" below.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Feedback (radio version)"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Discipline"
==========

Special thanks to Derrick L. Briggs for his help in setting all of this up.

Last month I wrote a post entitled: "This Is How You Know You Are/Were A Ho..." It basically was about how I used to sleep around so much that my friends, especially my fellow top friends, when meeting or dating someone would ask whether I had already slept with the person. I touch on this subject in Episode 5 of the Mini-Series as well. Well, yesterday evening a few more of my ho-ish chickens came home to roost.

In all of my promiscuousness I have at least prided myself on at least remembering everybody I've stuck my dick into. Even if I don't remember names (which I'm bad at), or screen names (which I'm even worse at), I'll remember some sort of distinguishing characteristic, such as the streets they lived on, the outfits they wore or something they said, etc. I realized yesterday that I'm even slacking on that. The last time I made a list of my sexual partners I stopped somewhere around... well that's not important. My negative HIV test result yesterday is helping me to put my life in perspective. What irony is it that ten hours later I had this conversation.

07:15:40 PM    JonBoi48: Sup
07:16:31 PM    Adam: Whaddup?
07:16:44 PM    JonBoi48: Chillin'
07:16:48 PM    JonBoi48: U know who this is?
07:16:53 PM    Adam: Nope
07:17:11 PM    JonBoi48: This Jon..I hit u up all the time
07:17:40 PM    JonBoi48: U ain't ever hit me back after we chilled..sup wit dat?
07:18:01 PM    Adam: I'm sorry but I don't remember. How long ago was this?
07:18:07 PM    Adam: Do u have a MySpace?
07:18:25 PM    JonBoi48: I'm from New Hampshire..and I was staying in Harlem
07:18:32 PM    JonBoi48: and I just moved to NY
07:18:48 PM    JonBoi48: I got MySpace
07:19:02 PM    Adam: Okay, so we chilled n what happened?
07:19:07 PM    JonBoi48: We fucked
07:19:19 PM    Adam: Oh ok lol
07:19:22 PM    JonBoi48: lol
07:19:22 PM    Adam: Was it any good?
07:19:27 PM    JonBoi48: Yeah, it was good
07:19:30 PM    JonBoi48: U busted twice
07:19:36 PM    JonBoi48: lol
07:19:37 PM    Adam: ook
07:20:05 PM    Adam: I knew it was good, this is me we're talking about. I just wanted to hear u say it. LOL
07:20:13 PM    JonBoi48: lol
07:20:14 PM    JonBoi48: whateva
07:20:15 PM    JonBoi48: lol
07:20:20 PM    JonBoi48: O so U KNOW yo shyt is good??
07:20:37 PM    JonBoi48: U know who u talking to now?
07:20:40 PM    Adam: Not really, I'm sorry.
07:20:45 PM    JonBoi48: That's fucked up.
07:20:54 PM    JonBoi48: I sent u a msg on MySpace the other day.
07:20:57 PM    Adam: How long has it been?
07:21:02 PM    Adam: U did?
07:21:04 PM    JonBoi48: It was like September.
07:21:05 PM    JonBoi48: Yeah
07:21:09 PM    Adam: Did I reply back?
07:21:11 PM    JonBoi48: I asked u how u been
07:21:15 PM    JonBoi48: and u said "I'm good."
07:21:26 PM    Adam: Ook, that's common courtesy
07:23:23 PM    Adam: Well, since then I've been off the dating sites
07:23:32 PM    Adam: And I haven't been hooking up n shyt anymore.
07:24:04 PM    JonBoi48: U seen it?
07:25:04 PM    Adam: Ook, I remember now.

I'm funny, I didn't know who this dude was for most of that conversation and I was still flirting. While I am slowing down on the sexual tip, at the end of the day I'm still me. I'm a flirt and I still like sex. Even in my quest for true intimacy I don't ever see myself as one of those people who shut themselves down completely and becomes celibate. Oh, I'ma get me some eventually, just not so much on the first night anymore, ain't that much cuddling in the world. But whenever I do finally me get some I'll be sure to remember his name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Promiscuous" feat. Timbaland
by Nelly Furtado
from the album "Loose"
==========

This morning I woke up really early and made my way down to the clinic. No drips, bumps, rashes or legions or scares this time. It's just been a while since my last real relationship, I'd been having sex here and there since then, certainly not as often, everything safe of course and I just figured it's about time I get tested again. It's been a while and it's just good to know. I'm entering a new phase in my life where I'm learning the value of intimacy over random sex and I'd feel better knowing I'm entering this less sexual phase in my life totally safe. I wanna be able to say with confidence to the next man I lay with that I'm negative.

I arrived bright and early, waiting outside five minutes before they opened. I figured that I'd come early to avoid the crowds because if you come too late you will be here all day, like the DMV or something. Unlike times past I felt confident about this test. Sure I did the usual oh-Lord-Jesus-please-don't-let-this-test-come-back-positive bargaining with God as I left my house, as I walked to the train station, on the train, when I first got to the clinic, and right before I started typing this blog post on my Blackberry now as I wait for my results. I listened to gospel music all the way here to soothe my nerves. Even with all that I'm still not as worried this time as I have been in times past. I remember that one time I got tested I promised the Lord that if it came out negative that "I'd never touch another man again." God is such a good God, not only is he loving and faithful, he even knows when to ignore his children.

When I first walked in about an hour and a half ago I was the only person here. I was called into the office and spoke with the registration person. To keep everything confidential (You have the choice to give or not give your name. I gave mine because I wanted my results on paper.) from then on I'd be identified around the office by a letter or a number. Fittingly, I was given the number one. I gave a urine sample to be tested for gonorrhea and hepatitis as well. Since I was there I wanted the works.

Slowly but surely more people started trickling in. People of all ages coming into the registration office as men and women and leaving as letters and numbers. Looking around I began to think that I could have easily seen one of these people out on the street or maybe at a club. There was a beautiful girl about my age sitting across from me. My mind began to wander thinking of what circumstances could have brought her here this morning. And then there was a young man, decent looking, a hood dude. I could tell he was straight, the kinda straight dude that would probably beat you down if you said he was gay. He was going to see the doctor. Lord knows I've been there. We all looked at each other, exchanging gl