Alrighty, for the past few weeks I've been thinking about this, my New Year's resolution for 2008. 2007 was such a good year for me. I started a this blog this year and found you all and in turn you all found me. I'm looking so eagerly forward to '08. I'm like a kid at Christmastime, 2008 is a gift from God that I can't wait to rip open. Thank you Jesus for yet another year.

You'd think because I write so much about love, sex and relationships that my resolution would have something to do with that, but actually no. My love life is what it is, it ebbs and flows, it comes and goes, whatever. As far as that's concerned, I'll ride the love wave and have the best time I can, not sweating whose shore I'll eventually will wash up on. I'm gonna bitch, whine, cry, moan, and complain, sure I am and you'll read about it, we'll go through it together and we'll get over it together, like we always do. I've wasted far too much time already trying to find Mr. Right. In 2008 I have bigger fish to fry.

I hereby declare 2008 the year of business. I'm turning 25 this year and I always told myself that I'd have my shit together by then. I will not live a mediocre life! So here are the things I will accomplish in 2008.

- I'm writing two books in 2008. By the end of next year I should be looking into get my manuscripts published.
- I'm getting my credit together and paying off my student loans in 2008.
- I'm starting a real savings account and will regularly add funds to it.
- I'm gonna take this blog into the stratosphere next year, more writing, more love, more sharing, more experiences, more promotion, more networking, advertisers, more multimedia, and more visitors and even more stuff I'm not at liberty to discuss yet.
- I'm having a grand 25th birthday celebration on Friday, July 25th 2008.

That's it, those are my resolutions and now that I have exposed them to the world I'm forced to carry them out.

Now that that's done I still have to figure out what the hell I'm doing tonight. This holiday season has to be the wackest on record. Christmas was wack and now New Year's Eve is sucking just as bad. There's nowhere to go. Nothin' is really poppin' off this year. All my friends are scattered, it's just really wack. I'll make sure that next year will not be like this. I guess that's a whole 'nother resolution.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Don't do anything that I would do tonight!

((muah))
-Adam

=========
Playing In The Background...
"Brand New Day" feat. Yolanda Adams
by Karen Clark-Sheard
from the album "2nd Chance"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 05:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
Hikaru Utada
- "Exodus" album cover
- Stills from the "Easy Breezy" video
==========

This is Hikaru Utada, better known as Utada and even better known by fans in her native Japan as "Hikki". You Americans and Europeans have probably never heard of her but she's huge in Asia, having sold 36 million records in Japan alone. Utada is a multi-talented artist, vocalist, writer, producer, and guitar player. One of the most amazing things about Utada is that even though she is full blooded Japanese she sings with no accent. Listening to her music a mix of pop, R&B, dance, rock, and soul without ever seeing her you'd never know what her nationality was.

Though Utada was born in New York she speaks fluent English and Japanese. Virtually all of Utada's recordings are in Japanese. The "Exodus" album (pictured above) is Utada's first large scale English-language album release. It was released in 2004 on Island/Def Jam Records and was penned by Utada and has tracks co-produced by Timbaland. Though the album received virtually no promotion from Def Jam and peaked at only #160 on the US pop charts the album remains a Japanese fan favorite (despite the fact that the album is in English) and a cult classic for hard core English speaking pop music fans (such as myself). She also contributed a track, "Blow My Whistle" featuring rapper Foxy Brown to Def Jam's "Rush Hour 2" soundtrack. R&B artist Ne-Yo recently released a remix of his song "Do You" in Asia as a duet with Utada.

In my opinion "Exodus" is one of the hottest pop records since the turn of the century, featuring some of Timbaland's best and most unobtrusive work and would have definitely produced hits in the US with some promotion. "Exodus" was the pre-cursor of Timbaland's recent reinvention in his work with artists such as Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado and Madonna.

There is speculation of a new, still untitled, English language Utada album to be released on Island/Def Jam in 2008 with rumored production by herself, Ne-Yo, Stargate, Timbaland, Danja, Just Blaze, Kanye West, Justin Timberlake, will.i.am, Bryan Michael Cox, Akon, Pharrell Williams, Diddy, The Neptunes. I can't wait for that. For right now, let's enjoy "Exodus".

"Blow My Whistle" feat. Foxy Brown

"Hotel Lobby"

"Wonder 'Bout"

"You Make Me Want To Be A Man"

"About Me"

"The Workout"

"Easy Breezy"

For more info on Utada:
- Check out her Official Website @ Island Records where you can view the "Easy Breezy" video.
- Watch the "You Make Me Want To Be A Man" video courtesy of Island Records
- Check out her Wikipedia entry

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Hotel Lobby"
by Utada
from the album "Exodus"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Wow, we haven't done a dating update in a minute. Where, oh where do we begin? Well, it's Sunday morning. Praise the Lord everybody. This is the part where y'all all say "Praise the Lord" back. Speaking of the Lord, back in the day, growing up in church, when someone stopped coming to church that person was called a backslider, a person who has fallen from or left from the way. In my dating life I'm also a backslider. In the past week I have totally done a 180 from the quote-unquote "more righteous" path of self denial I'd been etching out for myself in the past few months and I'm really enjoying it. I've also gone back to some people and situations I'd left behind. Reunited and I'm not sure how it feels... Just don't judge me.

Waking up drunken and dehydrated on Nathan's bathroom floor the Friday before last seemed to really put things in perspective for me. I'd been doing way too much and had been trying way too hard to prove that I was "enlightened" and the pressure got to me. I turned to a bottle of Grey Goose vodka for relief. I told you guys and everyone else about it. The general consensus was that I should relax and not be so hard on myself and just be myself in general. So here I am, don't judge me.

The first step to being me was letting all that Puritan shit go. I'm obviously nobody's prude and no one's Puritan. I let the Puritanical homos with their haughty-holier-than-thou attitudes and turned up noses convince me that the online dating thing was bad and beneath me. After forsaking the online thing and actually going out to meet people at parties, in clubs and in bars for the past three months and having a few experiences like the one I had a week and a half ago. I realize that online dating definitely isn't so bad, it's definitely much easier and at the end of the day is much more genuine and no-nonsense. So on December 24th I ended my 93-day hiatus and got back online. The experiment is over! This time though I didn't put up any dick pictures on my profiles in an effort to keep them a little more PG. I'm not trying to attract the casual sex, jumpoff element anymore and you know, with me doing all this stuff as far as the blog and my writing, it's just not the best look. On my BGC profile I even put the address to the blog, nothin' says lovin like free advertisement, don't judge me.

Speaking of lovin' I definitely appreciate the love I've been getting from you all online toward the blog. I've been getting hit up with messages from people telling me how much they enjoy the blog and that they are regular readers. I even got two messages on A4A yesterday from some readers welcoming me back online. "He's back" one of them said. Besides blog lovin' I've been getting plenty of messages about other kinds of lovin' as well:

On BGC I've been getting hit up pretty regularly. I even met up with a friend from college that I haven't seen in two years. We chilled yesterday, it was great to be able to catch up. I actually caught up with a few more friends on there including one of my really good friends who I always know is back in the city from college when I see him on BGC trolling for dates. (You know who you are. Smile.) I even donated some money and upgraded my BGC account so now I can view the mobile site on my Blackberry (Miss Berry the Second) and I can view the site regularly with no advertisements (including the pornographic ones) which means that I can browse BGC at work when I'm bored. BGC is funny, it's evolved from a dating/hookup site to more of a networking/friendship site. It's much more tame than it used to be. It's like the black gay MySpace now. Here's a link to my BGC page.

I signed up for A4A but you know an account there takes 24 hours to process. When I signed in for the first time on the 28th I had 42 new messages. Damn, what a welcome back. Unfortunately, maybe like two of them were actually desirable to me, but I appreciate the love anyway. I hardly ever talked to anyone from A4A anyway. The guys on BGC and even M4N are usually more attractive.

Speaking of M4N, their accounts take 24 hours to process as well. I logged in there for the first time on Friday as well and had 172 new messages. Damn, I thought there was a glitch in the system or something, but there were indeed 172 messages there. I went through all of those and only replied back to about four of them.

With all this messaging back and forth you'd think I would have met up with one of these people. I actually have not. I've exchanged some numbers had a few convos but that's about it. Out of sheer boredom, late Christmas night after my date with this new guy, ummm, it's Sunday and I'm feeling Biblical, lets call him Amos... Lemme digress a little. Amos, I met at that party I went to in Brooklyn, the Friday before last, the same day I got all drunk and pulled a Lindsay/Britney in Nathan's bathroom and went shopping afterward, yeah that day. Amos and I went to see "The Great Debaters" Christmas night, a great movie by the way. As far as the date I guess there was a little Chemistry, he seems like a cool guy, a fellow Leo, but I remember him being cuspy though, like really close to the Cancerous side of things. The conversation was good and there was even a little touching and hand holding during the movie but we didn't kiss at the end of the night though. Not even a kiss on the first date, what kinda Leo is that? There has been some light texting and a phone convo since then, we'll see, don't judge me.

Now where were we? Oh yeah, sheer boredom and shit. Okay, later that night, once I got back home I got a text from Robo-Munchkin. You remember Robo-Munchkin, he was Online Dating Horror Story #4. I first met him a few months back. Short story: he was this short top dude that was trying his hardest to try and fuck me (I'm a top as well) and I laughed in his face. It's actually a very funny story, read it and catch up. Anyway he texts me. I, not recognizing his number and not knowing who the hell he was asked him and he reminded me. Then he asks me if I'm up for having a threesome. I said no as I'm not particularly fond of those. Then he suggests that he come over anyway. I asked why and reiterated to him that I'm a top and that he is not, I repeat not gonna fuck me. He suggests we do oral. I told him that I wouldn't suck his dick either. I just knew that this was the end of our conversation. He says that he's fine with that and that he'd just suck my dick. I agreed to that. Shit, why not? I'm home, alone, horny and a cute guy wants to come and suck my dick, how could I say no? So he comes by, sucks me off, I eat him out and almost fucked him. I would have fucked him except that my dick, the head really, couldn't fit in (That damn mushroom head is a gift and a curse). Uh huh, talkin' all that shit the last time I saw him, the top killer strikes again, don't judge me.

Oh and speaking of my mushroom head and people mentioned in past blog posts, remember Freddy, from this blog post? We did it. Wednesday night. My mushroom head almost made us not able to do it but we pulled it off, don't judge me.

"Maybe I am foolishly in love with someone that is
Not exactly on the same page, that I am on
Well all my friends keep telling me stop
Walking round so blindly
But when he calls they're not around
To ever remind me..."

"I guess I kind of notice he don't always act so kindly
But that doesn't stop my hunger, hunger for his heart
Why should I listen to those, who think that I should move on
Maybe what they see as drama, I see more as art..."

"Can't seem to get past how he makes me feel
May not be love but it feels so real
Can't go with what they say must follow my heart
But now is that even being to to me
Maybe I'm happy, truly content
Maybe this is as good as it gets
Do I have faith in my confidence
Or am I just thinking all hopelessly..."

-Vivian Green
from the song "What Is Love"

Speaking of going backwards, much to my chagrin I must admit that I have started seeing Pubby again.  I know, I know, I know many of you including my own friends have said that he's no good for me, that I deserve better, that I'm "a stupid bitch". But I like him, okay, I do. The times that we are together, though few and far between are great. And it's not like I'm not seeing other people, even though I'd rather just be with him. But ya gotta fill the empty space somehow. **sigh** Don't judge me.

Even though I was really pissed at him and had been giving him the cold shoulder for the past few weeks, ignoring his calls and text messages. Y'all know me and you know I can't stay mad forever. It's just not in me. He hit me up via email one day and we started talking about making peace. We went out to dinner last Sunday to Alfredo Of Rome. We hadn't seen each other in like two months so we got all caught up. We talked out all of our misunderstandings and agreed to communicate better. I'm not putting anything on it this time but I guess we'll see. I'ma just enjoy the time we spend together. He came to my house on Thursday night. In an effort to switch things up I asked him to cook for me this time. He cooked and the food turned out good in spite of the fact that he almost burned my apartment down in the process. Smoke everywhere, coughing, watery, burning eyes, opened windows, the works. Yeah baby, you sit there and look pretty and let papa do all the cookin' from now on. After the smoke cleared it felt so good to hold him in my arms again, don't judge me.

I've had more fun this week than I've had in a long time. Granted, every week won't be as sexual as this one was, and that's more than okay. It just feels good to be myself again, however promiscuous people think that may be. One thing I could say is that I haven't drank and haven't wanted to drown my sorrows in alcohol since that day at Nathan's house, that's a good thing. I'm sure my liver is happy about that and I finally got me some, my dick is very happy about that. In one week I just totally went against everything I'd been preaching for the last few months. Call me a backslider, call me Al Green if you will, just don't judge me.

==========
Playing in The Background...
"Too Close"
by Al Green
from the album "One In A Million"
and
"Tired Of Being Alone"
by Al Green
from the album "Greatest Hits"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (1)

I was trying my absolute best not to say anything about this. I was just gonna let it go and leave it alone but it seems like every time I go online, on blogs, on MySpace, on YouTube, on message boards, when I open my email I see it, people I know even ask me about it, it's all over the black gay circuit right now. As much as not saying anything would me more a part of the solution than the problem I just really need this question answered so I'm gonna make this one quick. Could somebody tell me why the fuck do we as gay people care so much about this B2K, Raz B, Chris Stokes bullshit?

Yes why, why should I waste my precious gay time even thinking about this shit? What, because someone allegedly got fucked in the ass it's all of a sudden a gay issue, what manner of bullshit is that? When are we gonna learn that as proud gay people that are lives are defined by more than sex acts and that every time a dude sticks his dick in another dudes ass doesn't mean that we have to come a'runnin'. I've said this before (in this post) and even though people argued me down for saying it I still stand by it. Homosexual acts and being gay are two different things. Period. This whole Raz B mess is not a gay issue, it's a crime issue that should be discussed by a jury in a court of law. And then we wonder why people always associate the gays with child molestation, maybe we should stop associating ourselves with it first. We as black gay people should have given the same cold shoulder to this mess that mainstream media has given it.

Four days ago when I was directed to this video I was disgusted by Raz B's comments that he's not gay, that he's a real man. Whether he's gay or not, who the fuck is he to say that a gay man is any less of a man than a straight man? All of this after he played the role of a gay man on the LOGO series "Noah's Ark". Nobody ever seemed to bring up that point. That should have been the end of him with us right there. I know he totally fucked up with me right there. The fact that after that statement this thing was still all the buzz in the online black gay community astonishes me. We don't have anything else to talk about? He's not gay and he just insulted us to our faces, why are we giving him any coverage?

Instead of getting MySpace bulletins on that shit I wish somebody would have told me that they were airing another piece on Rashawn Brazell's murder America's Most Wanted last Saturday night. I tuned in on pure happenstance and only saw the last minute of it. I wish I could've seen the whole thing. Many of us, like me, especially us here in New York have seen the missing person posters but never knew any of the gruesome details of the crime. Maybe something shown in that piece would have clicked with someone and they could have called in with a clue or something. That broadcast was something I wish I was alerted about rather than having been beat over the head with this other bullshit for the last four days.

Now there's supposed to be some video of Raz B recanting his statement. All of this after the gays have been going off over it for the last four days... figures. One day we'll learn.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Back Stabbers"
by the O'Jays
from the album "The Ultimate O'Jays"
==========

PS: And if one gay person tells me that they watched Raz B's reality show or whatever the fuck he's trying to do with his washed up career I'm gonna go the hell off! Be warned.

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

Hello my lovely readers...

That unmarked present under the tree, the one wayyyyyy in the back, that's for me right? Y'all saved me a place at the dinner table, right? In the corner, right? Oh, and make sure I get some of the white meat. 'Cuz I don't like turkey like that anyway, but if I must eat it I'ma only eat the white meat.

Nah, lemme stop...

I want to thank all of you who have stopped by, visited, read, sent me emails, and left comments all throughout the year.

In celebration of our first Christmas together I'm posting some of my favorite Christmas music.

Enjoy.

Have a wonderful day and a Merry and Blessed Christmas with your family and friends. Hopefully you're not stuck at work like me... ugh! I'm so over this.

-Adam

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Playing In The Background...
"What Child Is This"
by Vanessa Wiliams
from the album "Star Bright"

and
"Silent Night"
by Kelly Price
from the album "One Family: A Christmas Album"

and
"Hark The Herald Angels Sing"
by BeBe & CeCe Winans
from the album "First Christmas"

and
"O Come, O Come Emmanuel"
by Richard Smallwood with Vision
from the album "Rejoice"

==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (0)

Someone who characterizes himself as "The Answer Man" left this in response to yesterday's blog post "Maybe It's Just Me...":

Dearheart,
It is possible you are projecting your needs onto them when they are merely being friendly. What you perceive as flirtation may simply be polite conversation in their mind.

From reading your blog it does appear you see men in very distinct categories--"a piece", cuddle buddy, hook-up, etc. Is there no place in your easy compartmentalization of your relationships for someone who is just a friend? Or must everyone be either a potential fuck or a past fuck?

Instead of asking what's wrong with other men, you might take a look in the mirror.

-The Answer Man

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

I'm sure that you've seen this robotic new promo picture for Pop superstar, Janet Jackson's "Feedback" single and "Discpline" album already. It's all over the blogs. It's a hot ass picture. What I wonder is what R&B singer and fellow Atlanta-ite Janelle Monae thinks of it, especially since her robotic looking promo pic for her album "Metropolis" (a great album by the way) came out almost six months ago.

Just wondering, not tryna be messy. It's just something that made me go hmmm this gloomy Sunday afternoon and I thought I'd share.

Click here for more info on Janet
Click here for more info on Janelle Monae

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Playing In The Background...
"Feedback"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Discipline"
and
"Violet Stars Happy Hunting"
by Janelle Monae
from the album "Metropolis"
=========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

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Okay, after rereading today's blog post I realize that I'm a little angry. If you are innocent and I offend you in the next few moments I do sincerely apologize.

-Adam
==========

A few weeks ago, Wednesday, December 5th to be exact, I went out to two parties after work that night. I noticed this guy at the first party, DJ noticed him too. He was short, nice face, like 5'7-5'8, light brownskinned, thin, with a fat little ass, definitely our type. I would have probably said something to him, or at least introduced myself but he was leaving and with him another chance to find true love or at least a date for the upcoming weekend. Okay, that was a little dramatic, but you know what I mean.

Shortly after, we (Me, DJ, Shorty, Tye Sexy, and Soulgee aka our crew "Media Inc.") left the party to head down to Dwight's weekly function at Mocca. Once we arrived at the 28th street downtown 6 train station and went through the turnstiles the first person I saw, of course was the guy from the party. He was speaking with a friend, they signaled for Tye Sexy. She went over and talked to them while I stood with my boys about 10 feet down the platform. Every so often I'd glance over at him while DJ and I contemplated my next move. At that point I'd kinda decided to leave things alone. I figured that I'd had my chance at the party. I could have stopped him before he walked out of the door. Besides, I never made a habit of picking up guys on subway trains anyway.

When the train arrived fate would have it that we all end up in the same car and that I would end up entering the train car right behind him and that he would turn to the door that I leaned up against and that we'd be face to face. So I said "Hi." We shook hands and exchanged names. Then the eyes turned on, his and mine. You know "the eye", the "I'm-attracted-to-you-I'm-tryna-see-what's-good" eye, followed by some flirtatious smiles and lip licking. There was definitely chemistry there, beakers and test tubes, white lab coats and shit. So I gave him one of my promo cards (I never leave home without them, that's how half of y'all found my blog) and we exchanged numbers. We talked briefly a few days later. I asked him out on a date and he told me that he'd be busy until the following Sunday and just about all this stuff he's doing in general. The conversation felt a little rushed. After that I just thought I'd leave it alone. I hate meeting a decent guy to find that he's too busy for me. I figured if he's busy like that it probably would never work for us anyway. I'm a Leo, we need attention. I'm not the kind of boy that you can let down and think that everything is okay. 'Cuz boy I am only human. This boy needs more than occasional hugs as a token of love from you to me... I digress, I just went off on a tangent there. I will PayPal thirty-two cents to the first person who can tell me what song my little digression is from.

Anyway, I got to work that next Tuesday and I ran into his number again in my phone. So I decided to text him. Why didn't I just leave well enough alone?

Adam: "Whaddup, it's Adam... from the train, remember me?"

Guy At Party: "Sorry sir. Been busy with work and preparing to move and just a lot of good things." How are u?"

A: "I figured as much. I thought I'd give you a lil time. I'm good. Where u movin' to?"

GAP: "[Another borough of New York City], next month. How are you?"

A: "I'm fine. A lil busy myself. I was thinking about u last night and thought I'd hit u up. So I'm sayin', when can I see u?"

GAP: "We can get together and hang as friends."

A: "So we couldn't go out on a date?"

GAP: "My boyfriend would not appreciate that."

A: "Gotcha. :)"

GAP: "Well I said we can still hang as friends."

Fuck outta here... hang as friends? Hang as friends? Say what!?! Get the fuck outta here! What kinda new fangled shit is that? (smile Dwight & kiemie) Anyway, I'm not even gonna fuck with this right now, there's more...

So I'm at another party last week. This fine ass dude walks in. I don't remember who I was standing next to but all I remember is saying to them "Dayum, who is that?" Actually, I don't think I'd ever seen him around before. That nigga was fine, he was around my height, lightskinned, toned body, and a beautiful face. DJ saw him too and he was also, definitely our type.

I watched him for a while. I wanted to see who he was talking to, who he knew, whether he came in to meet somebody, like a boyfriend of something. He didn't appear to have any romantic involvement with anyone at the party so I prepared to make my move. I sat by him, bringing over Kiemie for moral support and we all talked, me and him Kiemie and his friend. After awhile I got him alone and the eyes turned on again, mine and his. The whole time we conversed we never broke our mutual stare, there was definitely chemistry, I'm talking about mint Mentos and Diet Coke here. So much so that his friend came back and asked whether he was "interrupting something". We actually had a whole lot in common, especially our taste in music, more so than I do with the average person, which was actually really refreshing. So after talking for the better part of an hour I asked him for his number. We exchanged digits and I told him that I'd like to see him again sometime. Him and his friend left not too long after that. After exchanging two lingering embraces he left for the night. I have to admit I was a little excited. Yeah, me, excited, I shoulda known that this was gon' be trouble. I texted him the next day:

Adam (about 12 p): "I was wondering if we could do something this weekend? I'd love to chill w/ u and show you my music collection. :)"

Fine Ass Guy (about 1:30p): "I'm doing good. Sorry about not texting you. I'm at work. How are you?"

A: "It's all good. I'm home, working on my blog, tryna ask u out on a date this weekend, what's good?"

FAG: "Aww, that's so nice. I'm leavin' 4 the holiday."

A: "Aight, well when are u leavin/coming back? Maybe we can work something out. U can call me if you want if ur not still at wk."

(Did you just cringe at that statement? Because I cringed, I even threw up in my mouth a little. I reached so hard on that one that I may have dislocated my shoulder. Ouch.)

FAG: "Ok, I'll call on my break."

A: "Kewl."

1102p, 10 motherfuckin' hours later. He obviously never called. Now here's where I shoulda left well enough alone, but ya know me. I always gotta push it.

A: "Whaddup?"

The next motherfuckin' day.

A: "What's good? U harder to find than a straight man in Atlanta. I'm still tryna kick it w u... When can you fit in a little time 4 me?"

Ahhh, dignity. Only but a distant memory now.

FAG: "LOL U work today?"

A: "Nah I'm off, what about u? Can I c u before u leave?"

FAG: "Well you know I have a bf and me and him are supposed to go out when he gets off."

A: "No I didn't know that and boy is he a lucky man... Aight  then, I won't bother u. Have a good time then."

Now I see why Mr. Nederlander failed my black ass in 10th grade chemistry. I wouldn't know chemistry if the shit blew up in my face (which it does all too often). I don't understand this. Maybe I'm not seeing something, maybe I'm missing something, but please someone, anyone of you my lovely reading public answer this question for me:

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU FLIRT WITH SOMEONE AND EXCHANGE NUMBERS WITH SOMEONE KNOWING GOOD AND DAMN WELL YOU HAVE A MAN?

Maybe it's me...? Am I crazy? Am I reading too much into things? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. But, I mean, this shit is crazy. Like, did they exchange numbers with me out of pity? That's so fucked up. If you don't like me or think I'm ugly or whatever just tell me. Just be fucking honest with me. That's much easier to deal with than this. But don't give me false hope that you may want to communicate with me further on a romantic basis, if you know you don't or if you know you have a man.

And don't give me none of that friendship bullshit either. If a guy comes up to you in a club or at a party and flirts with you and asks you for your number you know good and damn well he doesn't wanna be your friend. And if you have a man you don't have no business flirting with me or giving me your number anyway.

Like, what the fuck? Was I too needy? Did I come on too strong? You meet someone at a party, you exchange numbers, you text/call the next day and set up a date. Is this not the natural progression of things anymore. Did I miss a memo or something?

You know what. Today I have to admit I miss being online. The whole online dating, A4A/BGC/M4N thing. I've been doing the whole Puritanical, meeting people the organic way shit for what like three, four months now and it's bullshit, pure fucking bullshit. At least when I log on to the fucking internet I know what the fuck I'm getting. Hi, Hi, ur cute, ur cute too, okay, alright, let's date/talk/fuck, okay. And if you don't like somebody you just don't return their message like a fucking compassionate human being. All of this splendor in the privacy of my motherfucking home. I have half a mind to say fuck it and go the hell back. Fuck these Puritanical bitches, they can turn their noses up at me all they want 'cuz they asses is lonely too.

This is such bullshit. Men are all fucking bullshit. Fuck 'em all, damn them all to hell, the whole fucking evil lot of them. Fuck this, I'm going to me something to eat... Where's my cuddle-buddy?

==========
Playing In The Backg...
OH, FUCK THE FUCKING BACKGROUND MUSIC!
==========

PS: Oh and fuck the bitch who says I bring this on myself and is all on that "it's what you put out there", snap-snap, "Love Jones", coffeehouse, neo-soul, tofu-soy eating, poetry reading, universal energy, mystical bullshit. Like I go looking for this shit! Fuck you bitch!

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (15) | TrackBacks (0)

"I'll NEVER have sex with a man..."
"I'll NEVER have sex with a man without a condom..."
"I'll NEVER suck dick..."
"I'll NEVER cry over a dude..."
"I'll NEVER have a one night stand..."
"I'll NEVER fuck somebody I'm not attracted to..."
"I'll NEVER have a threesome..."
"I'll NEVER have a foursome..."
"I'll NEVER catch an STD..."
"I'll NEVER catch that STD again..."
"I'll NEVER cheat on my boyfriend..."
"I'll NEVER be stupid for a guy..."
"I'll NEVER sleep with someone who has a boyfriend..."
"I'll NEVER start drinking..."
"I'll NEVER let myself get drunk..."

These are fifteen things I said I'd never do. Yet over the past four and a half years I've done them all, repeatedly. Yesterday I added a sixteenth thing to that list. I'll NEVER use alcohol to try escape from reality... that is until yesterday.

Christmas is rapidly approaching, it'll be here before we know it, it's Tuesday. For some reason we all seem to believe that our lives aren't complete unless we are romantically involved around the holidays. I, as much as I'd like to say I don't, would be lying my ass off if I didn't say I believed it as well, at least somewhat. I have a "cuddle-buddy" now and what we share is great, great in the moments that we share it. But in the morning I'm still alone. I mean we're not in a relationship and I totally understand that that's what being cuddle-buddies is all about. I'm starting to like him a little though but he's made it crystal clear that he's not in the market for a relationship, due to some past trauma. That's the story of my life. I like a guy, he would probably like me if his ex didn't mess him up so bad. If I had a dime for every time I heard that one I'd be typing this blog post from a top floor penthouse further downtown instead of in the messy bed of my studio apartment. I'd also been out meeting people this month, the last two numbers I got at a parties turned out to be from guys who already had boyfriends. Of course I didn't find out until I texted them days later. Like, why would you flirt with me and give me your number if you have a boyfriend? Maybe I'm just reading too much into it and seeing what I wanna see. How pitiful? What the hell is wrong with me? I hate that I'm that way, always with that glimmer of hope shit. I'll talk about that in further detail in a later post.

"But my love for myself is lacking a little bit
I can admit that I'm working on it
Staying faithful...
Just like you, sometimes I get down
Sometimes I just wanna cry
Sometimes I get so depressed
Just like me, tryna be complete
Just understand we're all just a work in progress..."
-Mary J. Blige
from the song "Work In Progress (Growing Pains)"

Besides my love life being miserable, pitiful, sad, and totally fucked up, a pain I've learned to accept, one that I numb with strawberry shortcake, shopping, high-end consumer electronics, work and now liquor, lately I've learned to like the feeling of being tipsy, but even that contingency plan started to unravel yesterday. Thursday night I woke up after 7pm. I can't believe I wasted the whole fucking day sleeping. I have so much to do and that's time I can't get back. I needed to finish everything before I go back to my "real" job at the hotel on Sunday and I've already wasted a fuckin' day. And this is yet another day I haven't gone to the gym. I haven't been to the gym in almost two months and it's starting to show, my body is a mess. I'm losing all my definition, my wifebeaters are fitting funny and I've all but lost the little bit of chest I had. My arms aren't tight anymore, my abs are becoming undecipherable. I look a mess. If I go out to another party and see another thin boy who's body is better than mine I'm... Fuck, I don't know what I'll do.

I turn over to my right nightstand to realize that my Blackberry died, the one that I just got November 21st, the day before Thanksgiving. It won't charge. I was back and forth on the phone arguing with the wireless company and the insurance company. While to normal people this would be no big deal I've always had this weird hatred of calling big companies 800 numbers and dealing with those automated systems. It annoys me to no end and I hate having to argue, having to fight for my rights as a customer. Why can't people just give you what the fuck you motherfuckin' paid for without all this fuckin' complication? They sure don't make things this complicated when they're taking the fuckin' money off my debit card every month. All of the arguing to no avail because I had to wait for an insurance adjuster to call me sometime tomorrow to further verify my claim. WHAT THE FUCK?!!! This was the last thing I needed in my life right now. I went off on those insurance company people, still to no avail. Now I had to figure out how to get the hundreds of important contacts I had in this phone out before the battery dies (no, they weren't saved to the SIM card). I had to do this immediately.

"Living up to everyone's expectations
condemned me to a world of damnation.
I gotta clear these voices from my head
All these opinionated noises..."
-Mary J. Blige
from the song "Destiny"

All of this was going down as I was supposed be working on a website project that I fell asleep on, one of two that I'm already behind on and had already received 50% deposits for. As great an opportunity these projects are and as much as they would look good in my portfolio sometimes I wish I could afford to just give the money back and run away. But I need the money and I hate breaking my promises even more than I want to run away so there I was. I sat up on my bed in a daze, bewildered, not knowing where to start, the voices in my mind talking over each other arguing over which thing I should do next.

Then another voice spoke up and reminded me that I hadn't written anything for Enrique Cruz's Gay Sex Report blog, the blog I'm an associate writer of in almost two weeks. I saw him last Saturday and promised him that I'd put something up on Sunday. I saw him last night at Shorty Roc's birthday party and thankfully he didn't mention it, but I just knew I was gonna put something up today and I haven't, shit! He doesn't pressure me about it, he's actually a real sweetheart, that actually puts even more pressure on me. I didn't wanna disappoint someone who has been so cool to me. But frankly, I haven't been in a mood to lightheartedly banter about sex lately. My heart is anything but light right now.

Then I remembered that I had a meeting scheduled with my cuddle-buddy that night. Fuck! I was supposed to have everything finished by now but I fucking fell asleep, what the fuck? Shit! Dammit! I had to deal with all of this, so I called him and canceled, the slight disappointment and annoyance in his voice sucker punched me in the gut but there was nothing to do. I wanted to see him too. We hadn't seen each other since last weekend and I missed him all week. But I had to handle this and I was way too angry and annoyed to be good company to anyone tonight. So I took out a composition notebook and attempted to write down every number in my dying phone. As I opened the notebook I thought, 'fuck it, I won't let this keep my down'. So I called my cuddle-buddy back, uncanceled our appointment, threw on something and made my way to his place.

"How do you feel when the one you love
Doesn't, doesn't seem real?
Do you run, or do you try to heal
The hurt inside..."
-Mary J. Blige
from the song "In The Meantime"

Those hours that I laid next to him all of my troubles seemed to melt away. It felt so good to have him in my arms and kiss his lips and caress his face. I only wish it were real. He woke up and left for work Friday morning leaving me in bed in his dimly lit apartment. As I rolled out of his bed I gathered my things and thought of how I was going to attack this, yet another day. I got back home to face my laptop, dirty apartment, messy-ass bed, and a million tasks still undone but I was still on the high of being with him last night so it didn't seem so bad anymore. After turning on my laptop to begin tackling this pile of work I see my cuddle-buddy online. Before asking him out to the movies this weekend via IM I insinuate that maybe last night could lead to something more. I was quickly shut down and brought back to Earth. It's not his fault though. I knew what I was getting into with him. Any pain I feel as a result of our interaction is all my fault. At the same time that fine-ass dude I thought I made a connection with on Wednesday night just texted me and told me that he has a boyfriend. THEN WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU FLIRT WITH ME AND GIVE ME YOUR MOTHER FUCKIN' NUMBER THEN? Breathe Adam, breathe.

As my high wore off my apartment seemed to get smaller and dirtier, my bed and life messier. Then I received an IM from Nathan. Fuck! We're supposed to record more of the mini-series today. I'm so not up to this shit. I wanted to cancel but I realized that Nathan is busy and I didn't wanna waste his time and shit, I'm a professional, the show must go on. People expect a show every Thursday and I'll be damned if they don't get it, especially over this shit. Fuck that. I gotta find a way to pull it together and get shit done. After getting a retarded-ass call from my boss at my real job on my day off and arguing with the insurance company again I pulled myself together and left the house. Last night was only the placebo and it helped me escape from the shambles that is my life for a few hours, today I need the real thing.

On my way out to Nathan's place I mentally compiled my what's fucked up right now checklist. Work, check; high-end consumer electronics, check; love life, check, check, check. All I was left with was strawberry shortcake and liquor. I grabbed a $20 bottle of Grey Goose vodka, cranberry juice and a slice of diner strawberry shortcake on the way to Nathan's. You want a show Nathan, well dammit I'll give you a hell of one today.

"Sometimes I wish that I could stand here and fade away
So that no one could see the tears running down my face..."
-Mary J. Blige
from the song "Fade Away"

On camera I binged on strawberry shortcake, my first meal of that day, while downing damn near the whole bottle of Grey Goose with less and less cranberry juice with each glass. I proceeded to tell Nathan about all that I'd been going through as I slipped further into drunkenness. As I babbled on and on I'm sure I divulged more than I should have as liquor is a truth serum for me. There were a few moments where I wanted to cry but I'd never let that happen, definitely not in front this camera, or in front of anyone else. By my third glass I felt myself fading away, fading away from all my problems, all my concerns, I was somewhere else.

I wish I weren't so sensitive, I wish I wasn't such a perfectionist, I wish I didn't care so much. I wish I wasn't such a whore all those years then maybe somebody would trust me. Why do I have to be such a pussy-ass girl about everything? Why can't I just roll with the punches and take it like a man? Why can't I ever like somebody that likes me too? These unanswered questions that painfully echo through my mind everyday I couldn't hear anymore now that I was drunk. The voices drowned in the sea of alcohol that tempestuously moved about my brain. It filled their lungs, they asphyxiated themselves as they struggled to rise to the surface.

When the camera was turned off I stumbled my way down the hall to Nathan's bathroom. I had to piss like a racehorse. As I fumbled to release my dick from my boxers, my longjohns and then my jeans to urinate my brain spun like a centrifuge. The very Earth I was standing on began to move violently like a rollercoaster. After I relieved myself I sat on the lid of the toilet, holding on to the sink and to my head for dear life. My body was at war with the alcohol. My internal organs crying out in pain, violently heaving, fighting against this foreign substance I've mercilessly poured into them. 

"Jesus, am I dying?"
"Lord Jesus, what have I done?"
"Have I poisoned myself?"

I asked as volcanic pressure began to build in my stomach. Suddenly warm, pungent red lava projected from my mouth narrowly missing the sink. I vomited. Looking into the sink I could still recognize the little pieces of strawberry from the cake I'd just gorged myself on and there were a few things that were processed beyond recognition. Just then I threw up again, and again, and again. The next thing I remember is laying down in a way that my feet would secure the door from being opened. I didn't want Nathan or anyone else to see me this way. I passed out face down on the bathroom floor.

"I got to laugh to keep from crying, yeah
To hide all the pain inside..."
-Mary J. Blige
from the song "The Love I Never Had"

When I awakened about an hour or two later I cleaned the sink and stumbled to the living room. Nathan asked me whether I was okay and I answered affirmatively as I clutched a pillow on the couch and I was out again. The next time I awakened it was after 8pm, Nathan's boyfriend was there handing me water and two aspirins. Realizing that I'd done more than overstayed my welcome, I may be stumbling drunk, but that's no excuse to forget my manners, I pulled myself together, left Nathan's place, convincing him that was more okay than I really was and stumbled my way into Kennedy Fried Chicken and ordered two chicken breasts, fries and a bottled water to replace all that I'd thrown up. I ravenously ate it on my way back into the city, where I went shopping and then to a party last night, where I didn't drink but I jokingly regaled friends and associates with the previous happenings of the day. I got back home at five this morning to the same small dirty apartment and messy-ass bed to realize that nothing had changed. I guess the joke's on me. Never say never.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Work In Progress (Growing Pains)"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
and
"Destiny"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "No Nore Drama"
and
"In The Meantime"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "No Nore Drama"
and
"Fade Away"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
and
"The Love I Never Had"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Mary"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 03:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

Hot on the heels of "The Flawless Video" we collaborated on a while back, producer, Nathan "Seven" Scott came to me with an idea, a spinoff of sorts, a series of weekly one man shows starring me. He wanted to title it "adam. the mini-series". Even though I was flattered by the idea I was also a little apprehensive as I never thought I would be interesting enough to pull this sort thing off.

We persevered, we brainstormed, we filmed and after some prodding by Nathan we actually got some good stuff. Upon seeing the final product I was really excited. The best way to describe the mini-series would be to say that it's an audible, ocular extension of the blog. Talking about my life and experiences on film comes off in a different way than it does on paper. I'm not rehashing the things that I've shared here but rather telling new stories, and in many ways going deeper inside myself than I've ever gone before. I'm also gonna be tackling some social issues as well. Some of the things you'll see me share in the weeks ahead I'd almost rather have not said, but once its out there it's out there. So sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. I sure did.

-Adam

In this week's episode me and Nathan chill in the building and chat about:
- My (social) drinking
- Alcoholism and drug abuse in the black gay community
- Substance abuse and it's affect on relationships
- Beyonce
- People who complain

Be sure to comment on the video and let me know what you think.

Just in case you have a problem playing the embedded video here here's the YouTube direct link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJ2uOTUS-xk

CATCH ALL-NEW EPISODES OF "ADAM. THE MINI-SERIES EVERY THURSDAY!!!

For more Nathan "Seven" Scott produced videos check out his YouTube channels:
The & Show
The Nathan "Seven" Scott Experience

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Breakin' Dishes"
by Rihanna
from the album "Good Girl Gone Bad"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 10:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
Girls Aloud: (from left to right, first pic) Sarah Harding, Kimberley Walsh, Nicola Roberts, Nadine Coyle, Cheryl Cole
- Their 2007 album "Tangled Up"
- Their 2005 album "Chemistry"
==========

If you haven't already noticed it, at the end of almost all my blog posts I have a "Playing In The Background..." section. It usually lists a song that has something to do with the subject matter of the post. Because I'm such a music fanatic, as I'm living my life, going through all the things I go through, corresponding songs always pop up in my head. My fanaticism isn't limited to musical acts from the United States though. A lot of the songs titles I post up are by groups most people I know have never heard of. Lately I've been getting questions about who some of these acts are and since I feel that they're so great to find a way to expose everyone to them. Today I have.

I want to take this time to introduce you to my girls, Girls Aloud (whose name is actually a play on words, Girls Aloud/Girls Allowed, get it?), my favorite female pop group. They are from the United Kingdom and were formed in 2002 on the British version of an American Idol/Popstars-like reality show entitled "Popstars: The Rivals." Most people doubted that they'd make through recording their first record, but four albums and 17 consecutive UK top singles later (even more than the Spice Girls) they're still here and going strong. In their review of the Girls current album "Tangled Up" the BBC hailed them "Undoubtedly the best girl band the UK has ever seen."

I discovered them through their 2005 album "Chemistry". Then, I, like most Americans had no idea who they were, but after seeing the cover art I was intrigued. I wanted to hear more and I'm so glad I did. "Chemistry" is one of my favorite pop albums of all time with "Tangled Up" not too far behind.

Girls Aloud, though regarded as pop artists infuse their music with many elements such as ska, R&B, reggae, rock, house, techno, dance, and classical. The writing and production team behind all of their music is Xenomania. Unlike most American pop music, Xenomania has constructed songs for the girls such as "Biology" and "It's Magic" that do not have your standard verse-chorus-verse-chorus-bridge format, with drastic music changes and choruses coming in two and three minutes into the song. "Biology" is often described as three songs in one and is one of the most unique, off beat pop songs I've ever heard.

So, here's your chance to hear why I love Girls Aloud so much. Listen to some of my favorite tracks from them below. Be sure to comment and tell me what you think.

-Adam

From "Tangled Up":
Fling:

Can't Speak French:

Close To Love:

Control Of The Knife:

Girl Overboard:

Call The Shots (Live From BBC Radio):

From "Chemistry":
Swinging London Town:

See The Day:

It's Magic:

Biology:

Whole Lotta History:

For more info on Girls Aloud, check out their official website: GirlsAloud.co.uk
Check out the Girls Aloud Official MySpace Page
Buy Girls Aloud music from HMV.co.uk

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Can't Speak French"
by Girls Aloud
from the album "Tangled Up"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 10:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Last Saturday I attended a taping of my good friend DJ Baker's Doo-Dirty Radio Show. He was doing some interviews with a few gay porn stars T-Malone, Azucar and Peanut. Urban gay porn magnate Enrique Cruz was there as well. Right before I sat down at the table Azucar asked me "What movies have you starred in?" I have to admit I was flattered. I've always had a secret desire to do a porno movie. I don't see myself going through with it though. Anyway, while we were all just sitting around, Enrique Cruz, the renaissance man he is, pulls out his camera and starts taping their conversation about sex, dicks, porn etc. I even make a cameo as well. Check out the convo while it's hot and while it's still on YouTube:

Just in case you have a problem playing the embedded video here here's the YouTube direct link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZJceeW6884

LINKS:
- For more behind the scenes footage and a view into the life of my favorite porn director Enrique Cruz, check out his blog: EnriqueCruzBlog.com
- Check out the Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show. The best damn radio show ever!

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Porno Star"
by Joe Budden
from the album "Joe Budden"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

It's official. Janet Jackson is back with a new album and a new label. I know I already gave my thoughts on the new single a few days ago but I was just emailed the official press release from Def Jam Records. I was asked to post it so I'll post about Janet again, usually I wouldn't post about someone again so soon but I did because it's Janet and she's my favorite. Def Jam really is not playing this time as they're seeking out bloggers like me to help push the record.

Along with the press release, they sent me a high quality digital copy of Janet's infamous new promo pic and an official copy of the radio version of "Feedback". Of course I have made them available for you to download. Consider it an early Christmas gift to you, all of my lovely Janetalia out there. All I know is that they betta remember my black ass when the advance copies of the album go out.

Hmmm, maybe the record labels are finally getting it, getting the fact that they've gotta go the extra mile to reach people nowadays. They can't just throw a record out there with no promotion and expect it to sell. This ain't the 90's, it don't work like that no more. I'm loving the direction the label is going with the promotions for "Discipline" and I'm starting to get really excited about this project. Here's the official press release:

####

JANET JACKSON TO RELEASE "FEEDBACK" – DEBUT SINGLE AT ISLAND DEF JAM MUSIC GROUP, IMPACTS JANUARY  7th 

 

LEAD TRACK FROM DISCIPLINE –  IDJ DEBUT ALBUM, SET FOR FEBRUARY 26 ^th RELEASE

 

"Feedback" produced by Rodney Jerkins – other producers on new album include Jermaine Dupri,  Ne-Yo, Stargate, Tricky Stewart, and The-Dream

 

Janet Jackson currently starring in Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married? , #1 box office smash

 

            (December  13, 2007 – New York, NY)  International megastar Janet Jackson, who has sold over 100 million albums worldwide and is the newest signing to the Island Def Jam Music Group, has completed her first new single for the label with hitmaking producer Rodney Jerkins.  "Feedback" will impact across-the-board at all radio formats on January 7th. 

 

            DISCIPLINE, Janet Jackson's new album – and the 10 ^th studio album of her career – is scheduled to arrive in stores on February 26^th.  In addition to Rodney Jerkins, the new album brings together an A-list of guest producers, including Jermaine Dupri, Ne-Yo, Stargate, Tricky Stewart, and The-Dream.  DISCIPLINE was executive produced by Antonio "L.A." Reid, Chairman, Island Def Jam Music Group.

 

            In a class all by herself, 5-time Grammy Award-winning and Oscar-nominated  Janet Jackson is currently starring in Why Did I Get Married?, the smash hit movie by Tyler Perry, which opened #1 at the box office.  This is the third motion picture of Janet's career, and her third to open at #1, following the success of Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), and her leading title role in John Singleton's Poetic Justice (1993).

Click here to download the huge (3048x3273 1.8mb) high quality promo pic.

Play the official radio edit of Janet's new single "Feedback" below.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Feedback (radio version)"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Discipline"
==========

Special thanks to Derrick L. Briggs for his help in setting all of this up.

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 07:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Last month I wrote a post entitled: "This Is How You Know You Are/Were A Ho..." It basically was about how I used to sleep around so much that my friends, especially my fellow top friends, when meeting or dating someone would ask whether I had already slept with the person. I touch on this subject in Episode 5 of the Mini-Series as well. Well, yesterday evening a few more of my ho-ish chickens came home to roost.

In all of my promiscuousness I have at least prided myself on at least remembering everybody I've stuck my dick into. Even if I don't remember names (which I'm bad at), or screen names (which I'm even worse at), I'll remember some sort of distinguishing characteristic, such as the streets they lived on, the outfits they wore or something they said, etc. I realized yesterday that I'm even slacking on that. The last time I made a list of my sexual partners I stopped somewhere around... well that's not important. My negative HIV test result yesterday is helping me to put my life in perspective. What irony is it that ten hours later I had this conversation.

07:15:40 PM    JonBoi48: Sup
07:16:31 PM    Adam: Whaddup?
07:16:44 PM    JonBoi48: Chillin'
07:16:48 PM    JonBoi48: U know who this is?
07:16:53 PM    Adam: Nope
07:17:11 PM    JonBoi48: This Jon..I hit u up all the time
07:17:40 PM    JonBoi48: U ain't ever hit me back after we chilled..sup wit dat?
07:18:01 PM    Adam: I'm sorry but I don't remember. How long ago was this?
07:18:07 PM    Adam: Do u have a MySpace?
07:18:25 PM    JonBoi48: I'm from New Hampshire..and I was staying in Harlem
07:18:32 PM    JonBoi48: and I just moved to NY
07:18:48 PM    JonBoi48: I got MySpace
07:19:02 PM    Adam: Okay, so we chilled n what happened?
07:19:07 PM    JonBoi48: We fucked
07:19:19 PM    Adam: Oh ok lol
07:19:22 PM    JonBoi48: lol
07:19:22 PM    Adam: Was it any good?
07:19:27 PM    JonBoi48: Yeah, it was good
07:19:30 PM    JonBoi48: U busted twice
07:19:36 PM    JonBoi48: lol
07:19:37 PM    Adam: ook
07:20:05 PM    Adam: I knew it was good, this is me we're talking about. I just wanted to hear u say it. LOL
07:20:13 PM    JonBoi48: lol
07:20:14 PM    JonBoi48: whateva
07:20:15 PM    JonBoi48: lol
07:20:20 PM    JonBoi48: O so U KNOW yo shyt is good??
07:20:37 PM    JonBoi48: U know who u talking to now?
07:20:40 PM    Adam: Not really, I'm sorry.
07:20:45 PM    JonBoi48: That's fucked up.
07:20:54 PM    JonBoi48: I sent u a msg on MySpace the other day.
07:20:57 PM    Adam: How long has it been?
07:21:02 PM    Adam: U did?
07:21:04 PM    JonBoi48: It was like September.
07:21:05 PM    JonBoi48: Yeah
07:21:09 PM    Adam: Did I reply back?
07:21:11 PM    JonBoi48: I asked u how u been
07:21:15 PM    JonBoi48: and u said "I'm good."
07:21:26 PM    Adam: Ook, that's common courtesy
07:23:23 PM    Adam: Well, since then I've been off the dating sites
07:23:32 PM    Adam: And I haven't been hooking up n shyt anymore.
07:24:04 PM    JonBoi48: U seen it?
07:25:04 PM    Adam: Ook, I remember now.

I'm funny, I didn't know who this dude was for most of that conversation and I was still flirting. While I am slowing down on the sexual tip, at the end of the day I'm still me. I'm a flirt and I still like sex. Even in my quest for true intimacy I don't ever see myself as one of those people who shut themselves down completely and becomes celibate. Oh, I'ma get me some eventually, just not so much on the first night anymore, ain't that much cuddling in the world. But whenever I do finally me get some I'll be sure to remember his name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Promiscuous" feat. Timbaland
by Nelly Furtado
from the album "Loose"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 10:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

This morning I woke up really early and made my way down to the clinic. No drips, bumps, rashes or legions or scares this time. It's just been a while since my last real relationship, I'd been having sex here and there since then, certainly not as often, everything safe of course and I just figured it's about time I get tested again. It's been a while and it's just good to know. I'm entering a new phase in my life where I'm learning the value of intimacy over random sex and I'd feel better knowing I'm entering this less sexual phase in my life totally safe. I wanna be able to say with confidence to the next man I lay with that I'm negative.

I arrived bright and early, waiting outside five minutes before they opened. I figured that I'd come early to avoid the crowds because if you come too late you will be here all day, like the DMV or something. Unlike times past I felt confident about this test. Sure I did the usual oh-Lord-Jesus-please-don't-let-this-test-come-back-positive bargaining with God as I left my house, as I walked to the train station, on the train, when I first got to the clinic, and right before I started typing this blog post on my Blackberry now as I wait for my results. I listened to gospel music all the way here to soothe my nerves. Even with all that I'm still not as worried this time as I have been in times past. I remember that one time I got tested I promised the Lord that if it came out negative that "I'd never touch another man again." God is such a good God, not only is he loving and faithful, he even knows when to ignore his children.

When I first walked in about an hour and a half ago I was the only person here. I was called into the office and spoke with the registration person. To keep everything confidential (You have the choice to give or not give your name. I gave mine because I wanted my results on paper.) from then on I'd be identified around the office by a letter or a number. Fittingly, I was given the number one. I gave a urine sample to be tested for gonorrhea and hepatitis as well. Since I was there I wanted the works.

Slowly but surely more people started trickling in. People of all ages coming into the registration office as men and women and leaving as letters and numbers. Looking around I began to think that I could have easily seen one of these people out on the street or maybe at a club. There was a beautiful girl about my age sitting across from me. My mind began to wander thinking of what circumstances could have brought her here this morning. And then there was a young man, decent looking, a hood dude. I could tell he was straight, the kinda straight dude that would probably beat you down if you said he was gay. He was going to see the doctor. Lord knows I've been there. We all looked at each other, exchanging glances every so often, probably thinking all the same things. All while the television, mounted in the top left corner of the room looped HIV/AIDS PSAs in English and then en Espanol over and over again. Every ten minutes Whoopi Goldberg, Susan Sarandon and Rosie Perez explained why it's not cool for gay men to do crystal meth and the joys of condom use in between terribly acted scenes played by amateur actors pretending to visit the clinic.

After waiting about 40 minutes I was called into the counselor's office.  He asked me about my sexual history, how many partners I'd been with in the past three months, whether I was gay or straight, whether I had sex for money or drugs, whether I'd done anything unsafe, etc. He even asked me what I thought the test result was gonna be. I told him negative. He was just so nonchalant about it all as though he were reading these questions from a hidden teleprompter. He didn't even look at me hardly. I mean, hey, he deals with this everyday, I guess he's probably used to it by now. I'm used to the customers at my job. The guests at the hotel don't bother me much, their sobbiest of travel sob stories do little to move me anymore, oh the airline lost my bag, oh my dinner reservation, it's whatever. I've heard it all before. People forget that even though these people are HIV counselors, it's still their job, it's a job. I really couldn't expect him to fall out on the floor if God forbid my test came back positive. I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time he's seen a positive result, nor would it be the last.

The most earnest question he asked me though was if my test came back positive would I be able to handle it? He actually looked at me for that one. I told him yes. I mean, I'm sure I could. It isn't the end of the world, right? I have friends and people I know people who are positive. They are living happy and healthy lives, taking care of themselves, still going out, still dating, some don't even take any medicine. If I were positive I know I'd be okay like that, right? I guess that's all easy to say until you're actually the one that's positive.

A few minutes later I was called in to take my test. I joked around with the nurse about how I hate getting my blood taken and how I'm never able to watch it go up the needle and fill the little vial. She tapped my arm and easily found a vein. As I turned away and readied my body for the prick of the needle it was already in. It didn't even hurt like it usually does. I even watched the blood fill the vial this time. It was no big deal. Then I took the OraSure test. That's the one where they test your mouth for HIV. It only takes about 30 minutes to get a result. Then I was sent back to the waiting room, awaiting my fate.

As I walked back in here just now I'm the center of attention, Hood Dude and Beautiful Girl both looking at me as well as all the new numbers and letters that have now filled the waiting room. The bandage on my arm pretty much tells my story. I felt like they were waiting for my results just as anxiously as I was. To ease the tension I took my phone out to began typing this and I thought a little prayer "Lord Jesus pleeeeease let this thing come back negative." and here I am.

"Number one" my counselor called out from across the hall. This is it. I nervously followed him to his tiny office and before I could sit down in the chair he said dryly "Negative, keep it that way." Alrighty then, thank you Jesus. I straightened up, fixed my clothes and left his office. As I got back to the hallway and waited for the elevator I saw Hood Boy, Beautiful Girl and the whole alphabet staring at me, craning their necks so they could see me through the waiting room doors, trying to read my face. I wanted to do a two handed thumbs up but I thought that that might be too much so I just smiled with my eyes like Tyra Banks always says to do. I think they got the point.

I'm negative, and I plan to keep it that way.

GET TESTED!

Links:
- New York City free HIV/STD testing clinic locations
- Find an HIV/STD testing site anywhere in the United States here

=========
Playing In The Background...
"Gotta Get It Right"
by Spiritual Pieces
from the album "Soul Food"
and
"Grateful"
by Kurt Carr & the Kurt Carr Singers
from the album "No One Else"
and
"That's Just The Way The Father Is"
by Kurt Carr & the Kurt Carr Singers
from the album "Awesome Wonder"
==========

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

As of late I've been on a quest, not to find sex or a boyfriend, but to find genuine intimacy between myself and another man, a foundation to maybe build something more off of in the future and/or good times and a warm body to snuggle up to in the present. To be close to someone and to get to know him genuinely without the uncertainty of dating, the complication of sex and the expectation of a relationship. To put this idea in action I've adopted the idea of having a "cuddle-buddy" (as Rocafella07 would call it).

A cuddle-buddy is a special friend that you would treat like any other friend, except that this particular friend is someone you also share affectionate moments with. Cuddling, snuggling, caressing, spooning, maybe even some kissing, making out and heavy petting. The point is that you are not in a relationship with this person (at least not yet, if ever), but the person should be a friend and someone you expect to see somewhat regularly. You can go out and do things with the person but it wouldn't necessarily be considered dating. You also are not having sex with this person (at least at this point, if ever) and of course you both should be single. Most importantly, the cuddle-buddy friendship is to be non-complicated.

This definition of what a cuddle-buddy is is basic. The coolest thing about having a cuddle buddy though is the fact that these rules (except for the sex rule) can bend and fluctuate for each specific pair of buddies. The key is communication. What are we okay and not okay with? Unlike being in a relationship where we tend to assume and infer things instead of talking, this friendship is all about talking. You and your buddy eventually should be talking about things such as exclusivity and multiple buddies, what happens when a buddy finds a boyfriend, do we as buddies even look for boyfriends, how far does our physical contact go, etc. It's all about the dialogue between you two. Most importantly you should always be having a good time. The day it's not fun anymore and becomes hard work is the day it should end.

I'm finding in my case that it's better when nobody knows who your cuddle-buddy is. The anonymity will enable your friendship to exist without the scrutiny of others, allowing you and your buddy to concentrate on intimacy and getting to know each other (it's kinda like a derivative of my one month rule). I think that the time with your cuddle buddy should be yours alone and be somewhat of an escape from your everyday worlds. And if perhaps things don't work out between you or you decide to downgrade your involvement to regular friends it won't be a public spectacle. On the other hand if you decide to upgrade to an exclusive dating, or relationship thing at least you can be confident in the fact that your decision was unaffected by the opinions of others and you'd have that firm buddy foundation to build from.

The hard thing about having a cuddle-buddy is your dicks, the dicks are gonna get hard. It's hard to repeatedly lay up with an attractive guy and not have sex, especially if you both want it. To maintain a cuddle-buddy relationship you must absolutely not have sex, maybe a little oral as a part of some extended foreplay after a while, but definitely not intercourse, NO INTERCOURSE. The whole point of the cuddle-buddy thing is to remove sex from the equation and concentrate on intimacy. Roles such as top, bottom, and versatile don't even come into play at this stage. It seems like as men we all know how to talk fucking to each other but we don't know how to fucking talk to each other.

If you do have intercourse, outside the confines of a relationship then you have then upped the ante and become "fuck-buddies". There's nothing wrong with having a fuck-buddy, and your cuddle-buddy relationship may even evolve in that direction after a while, but at that stage none of the cute little cuddle-buddy rules apply anymore. Fuck-buddies are dealing with much more serious physical and emotional risks and should be abiding by a much more stringent set of rules. Also the decision to abstain from sex must be mutual. One buddy cannot feel that the other buddy is depriving them of anything, then the arrangement won't work.

And that's just about it. I'm trying something new and it's workin out pretty good so far. Hopefully Rocafella07, the "cuddle-buddy" phenomenon will catch on in '08.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"B.U.D.D.Y."
by Musiq Soulchild
from the album "Loveanmusiq"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

I know that a lot of people read the blog and enjoy it and that's great. I love to hear that, but a reader of this blog has taken that enjoyment to another level.

I wrote a blog post not too long ago entitled: "My 7 Lessons I Learned In '07" or something like that. Well this person copied my post word for word, my specific life experiences and all. Wherever I mentioned my name, he took my name out of it, put his name in and pawned it off as something he had written and posted it on FaceBook. People were on there giving him kudos and congratulating him on his growth when little did they know he stole the whole thing. Now I don't mind people redistributing my stuff, that happens pretty often, but give credit where credit is due and certainly don't try and pass my life experiences off as your own.

I was shown this by another reader of the blog from Washington, DC who is a FaceBook friend of this person. Reading that thing actually was a little scary, like I was in "The Twilight Zone" or somethin'. It was very spooky, almost stalker-ish. I'm sleeping with one eye open tonight.

I did confront the person about this via MySpace, let's see what kind of reply I get back.

Stay tuned...

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Stan" by Eminem
from the album
"The Marshal Mathers LP"
==========

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 03:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
With this post I'm starting something new. My "Listen To This" posts in the "Music" category will break new music and give you a chance to listen to the songs as well. Who better to kick it off with than the icon, Janet Jackson and her hot new single "Feedback". Get it. Got it. Good. Now let's dance.
==========

I know I'm two days late on this (I've been busy okay) but since Janet Damita Jo Jackson is my favorite musical artist of all time, late or not I had to take the time to weigh in on her new single "Feedback" from her upcoming March 2008 album, her tenth, entitled "Discipline".

This is the new promo picture for the single and I love it! Janet finally put some damn clothes on. You don't have to be naked to be sexy (Who am I to talk right? Yeah I can read you queens shady little minds now). If I saw one more picture of Janet holding her breasts I was gonna lose it. This new look is sexy, classy and becoming of a 40 year old woman who puts girls half her age to shame. Fashionistas, email me and tell me what designers she's wearing.

I love the song. The beat is crazy, very danceable. Fellow blogger B. Scott describes it quite eloquently as "Bitch, hold my purse music". The vocals on the verses are Janet's sung-spoken standard and are layered hypnotically on the choruses. This song is the brightest upbeat song from Janet since "All For You" (although I loved "All Nite (Don't Stop)" it was so damn dark) and has all the potential to be all the hit that "All For You" was. I really hope Janet brings it with a bright, upbeat dance video that shows all these bitches who the real icon is.

People are tossed up between whether the song is produced by Danjahands (Britney Spears) or Rodney "Darkchild" Jerkins (Brandy, Jennifer Lopez, Toni Braxton, Tamia, Mary J. Blige, and too many more). The more I listen to it I'm leaning more toward Darkchild, the chopping and screwing of the ending is kinda Brandy "Full Moon" album-ish (except without all the robotic stuf), and in the beginning when a nod is given to Janet's "Control" album a male voice says "Gimme a beat!" it sounds a lot like him. I think that people are thinking Danja because a lot of people have said that the song sounds very Britney "Blackout" album-ish but the more I listen to it I don't think so. It's similar in tempo, but that's about it, Britney could sing this song (not as well) but many pop singers could do each other's songs. That didn't give Mandy Moore an excuse to totally ruin Rihanna's "Umbrella", but I don't think this is Danja. I could be wrong. It'd be easy to settle this if Janet had said or allowed them to say Danja or Darkchild on her track. Have you ever noticed that the truly big stars, the icons, never do that? I think that a producer will charge you less if you allow him to put his name all over your track. We all know Janet ain't hardly broke so for her that wouldn't be an issue.

One of my biggest issues with Janet is that I never felt she fully walked in her icon status. She's so timid and nice when it comes to dealing with her detractors. She was never diva enough for me, especially with the way she handled that thing that shall remain nameless that happened at that sporting event that shall also remain nameless back in '04. One of the best things on this track is the braggadociousness of the lyrics. Especially the bridge:

"You like it how I work my spine
Got you feelin' all hypnotized
I got a body like a CL5
Make a nigga wanna test drive
But I'm so on fire
Flyer than a pelican
Find another chick better than
I don't see her
'Cuz my swag is serious
Somethin' heavy like a first day period..."

YES! Finally bitch! Damn. You are the Janet 'Mother Effin' Jackson, you invented this shit. Mother of all these R&B/pop bitches. Put on some YSL pumps and walk in the shit already! I don't know whether she had a hand in writing this song, but it's very fitting, especially after the past few years she's been having. My advice to Janet, be bold, be brave, be a bitch, do a tour, it's time.

Menstrual reference aside (ugh), this is the hottest song I've heard from Janet in a minute. I can't wait for Mama Janet to come back and "Discipline" the music industry next year 'cuz it's been very very bad.

Play the official radio edit of Janet's new single "Feedback" below.

Comment and let me know what you think of the song.

And they betta play this shit in the motherfuckin' clubs, the whole fuckin' album when it drops. If they could prop dead, overplayed-ass "B'Day" up like "Weekend At Bernie's" every time I've been to a club for the past year and a half they betta give Janet the same respect!

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Feedback"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Discipline"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 02:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

I woke up this morning next to someone I did not have any sexual contact with again. I was having a vulnerable night last night and after some counsel from my new friend we fell asleep in each other's arms. It was everything a normal sleep over first date would be but without the sex and once again I don't feel like I've missed anything.

I think I'm catching on to a new phenomenon here. I did this same exact thing almost a month ago, (remember the post I wrote about that?) and have done it a few times since. It's like I'm getting everything I need without the pleasure and complication of sex. We actually had a beautiful night last night. We talked and laughed and shared our experiences. We were attracted to each other physically but it's not a love connection and that's okay. He actually has some friends he wants to hook me up with. Shit, it's about damn time somebody hooks me up. A lot of long-lasting meaningful relationships start through hookups through friends so I'm actually kinda excited.

I have to admit though, my dick hardened a little a few times as we spooned through the night and hands traveled a bit but that I just chalk up to male curiosity. Gay or straight behind all of our designer labels, our careers and the fabulous lives we've created for ourselves we're all still little boys wondering "Is his thing bigger than my thing?" Yeah, there was a little bit of sexual tension, but that was only due to the fact that we were two attractive gay men in bed together. We woke this morning as friends and its the coolest thing. I'm glad that we didn't needlessly give in to our physical urges and ruin shit. Last night seems like one of those things we'll sit and laugh about someday.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Friend To Friend"
by Diana Ross
from the album "Diana"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

Life is a series of moments. Yesterday was not one of my best moments. I hadn't taken the time to mourn a recent involvement and it all just came down on me like a ton of bricks, hence the emotional vulnerability of that particular blog post. I just wanna let everyone know that I'm okay and I thank you all for your comments and well wishes and stories and concern and advice. You are great, all of you. I awake this morning feeling a million times better, having said all I needed to say.

I guess you just need to take the time to let it out sometimes.

-Adam

PS: Don't feel bad if you send me a long email or make a long comment on the blog. I LOVE THE LONG EMAILS AND COMMENTS! The longer the better! I love to read your thoughts. I appreciate the fact that you would even take the time to even comment at such length.

==========
Playing in The Background...
"Work In Progress (Growing Pains)"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

"It's not an easy thing to do
Sometimes it's hard to face the truth
It's not the life that I would choose
But what else can I do if he don't love me
If he don't want me
I'm not about to sit around [and] let myself go..."
-Tamia
from the song "Smile"

Last night I went to Baron's birthday party at Alibi. You probably didn't see me because I arrived fashionably late, after midnight and by that time you had already left. But I was there, laughing and joking, talking and networking, eating ungodly amounts of birthday cake and having a really good time. Then me and Dwight left there and ended up at Chi Chiz on Christopher Street (Don't judge me okay, the drinks are cheap and it's the only black gay bar open that late on a Wednesday night. So what it's where all the old queens go to die.), we were meeting his boyfriend there. I got fucked up, I mean really fucked up. So fucked up that I was leaning on a chair in the back of Chi Chiz singing lyrics to Tweet's song "Drunk". "I'd rather be drunk, on a cloud away from here..." Those drinks were cheap but strong.

We left there and I stumbled my drunk ass up Christopher Street to that pizza shop by the 1 train where I inhaled a lukewarm slice topped with pepperoni, ground beef, and ricotta and then we rode the A train uptown. On my wobbly-ass walk from the train station as Mary J. Blige's "Work In Progress (Growing Pains)" blasted from my iPod and I drunkenly sung along, I realized that as good as my life is, I'm still not there yet. In the solitude of my rickety gait up 8th Avenue I also realized that all the pain I'd managed to sweep under the proverbial rug of life in the past few weeks is starting to make lumps.

Lately I've been so busy, writing two blogs, working full time, networking, going to parties, building websites. Keeping this grueling schedule doesn't even allow me much time to sleep. The work is paying off but the compensation isn't the only reason why I've been doing so much. Keeping myself busy is my way of not thinking about my love life, or rather the lack thereof. I figure if I just become a success none of the love shit will matter anymore. Mr. Right will be easy to find once I have money in the bank and a couple of books published. It's only when I have a brief lapse between performing all the tasks that I've chosen medicate myself with that it all comes back to me.

I miss Pubby. I know I shouldn't, I have no real reason to. He was never particularly good to me or good for me, but I do. I'm stupid I guess. I miss his smile and the dinners I cooked for him that we had together and all the times we had sex and cuddled and the things we laughed at and how we were so different from each other. I miss the way he felt in my arms and how peaceful he looked when he was asleep. As fucked up as it turned out there were some good times.

It was so easy for him to walk away from me, like I was nothing, like what we had was nothing. I guess it was nothing. He probably hasn't even given a second thought about me since the last time we spoke and here I am making yet another post on my blog about him. I erased his number from my phone, even though I know it by heart. He's online now, I see him on my buddy list. I guess I forgot to delete him from there. I'd die before I IM him though. A very small part of me wants to but I refuse to let go of my dignity like that.

He hurt me so much. The weather outside is horrible and I don't feel like doing anything today. I'm trying to work and I can't even concentrate, fuckin' bastard. Why did I have to fall for him the way I did? Why couldn't he just want me as much as I wanted him. Damn it, I knew better. I saw all the fuckin' signs but I chose to ignore and now off the cliff I go. I gotta snap outta this shit though because I don't have time to be depressed. I've got way too much work to do. The truth is that Pubby doesn't want me anymore. It was what it was. I just gotta accept it and move on.

And that sex I had 20 days ago I shoulda never had it. He was there, I was there, he pounced on me so I figured fuck it. I would give him what he wanted and I'd get a nutt too, why not? I wasn't over Pubby, obviously, but it just felt good to have someone desire me. But anyway, I'll get over this. I'll be okay. It feels really good to have let all this out.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Smile"
by Tamia
from the album "More"
and
"Drunk"
by Tweet
from the album "Southern Hummingbird"
and
"Work In Progress (Growing Pains)"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 03:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (8) | TrackBacks (0)

Hot on the heels of "The Flawless Video" we collaborated on a while back, producer, Nathan "Seven" Scott came to me with an idea, a spinoff of sorts, a series of weekly one man shows starring me. He wanted to title it "adam. the mini-series". Even though I was flattered by the idea I was also a little apprehensive as I never thought I would be interesting enough to pull this sort thing off.

We persevered, we brainstormed, we filmed and after some prodding by Nathan we actually got some good stuff. Upon seeing the final product I was really excited. The best way to describe the mini-series would be to say that it's an audible, ocular extension of the blog. Talking about my life and experiences on film comes off in a different way than it does on paper. I'm not rehashing the things that I've shared here but rather telling new stories, and in many ways going deeper inside myself than I've ever gone before. I'm also gonna be tackling some social issues as well. Some of the things you'll see me share in the next couple of weeks I'd almost rather have not said, but once its out there it's out there. So sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. I sure did.

-Adam

In this week's episode Nathan takes me to the streets where we chat about:
- Obesity
- My quick and easy baked chicken recipe
- Expensive ass drinks at the bar
- Jumpoffs becoming your friend's lovers
- The "bottom" belt

Be sure to comment on the video and let me know what you think.

Just in case you have a problem playing the embedded video here here's the YouTube direct link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RUFiU9QicA

CATCH ALL-NEW EPISODES OF "ADAM. THE MINI-SERIES EVERY THURSDAY!!!

For more Nathan "Seven" Scott produced videos check out his YouTube channels:
The & Show
The Nathan "Seven" Scott Experience

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Breakin' Dishes"
by Rihanna
from the album "Good Girl Gone Bad"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 09:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

I just received an email that appears to be a statement from Clearview Cinemas regarding "Dirty Laundry" following the post I published earlier today about the end of it's run there.

Name = Clearview Cinemas
Email = bsimpson@clearcin.com
Comments = Following are statements from Clearview Cinemas 
and Freestyle Releasing regarding the film "Dirty Laundry".

STATEMENT FROM CLEARVIEW:
"Chelsea Cinemas is one of only two theatres in the entire country that is showing the film. The movie is not being pulled and the only reason that it ends its run Thursday is that the contract expires and we have previous commitments to other films that begin on Friday."

STATEMENT FROM FREESTYLE RELEASING:
"The reason that "Dirty Laundry" will stop running after Thursday is that our agreement with Chelsea Cinemas was always for one week only. We are pleased that many people have had an opportunity to see the film and hope that many more see the film in its final two days."

This does not look like the end to all of this. If you're in New York or LA go out and see the movie if you haven't already. The plot thickens...

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Controversy"
by Prince
from the album "Controversy"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 06:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I could not believe this shit when I read it. For some reason Clearview Chelsea Cinemas here in New York have mysteriously pulled the Maurice Jamal film "Dirty Laundry". You know, the movie I went to the premiere for last Friday. This stinks of racism. I was very upset upon finding out this news, it fucked my whole morning up. Here's the whole story taken from Keith Boykin.com

"In a shocking and unusual development, the Clearview Chelsea Theater decided late yesterday to pull the plug on one of the most successful movies playing at its theater in New York. Despite three sold out weekend performances at the venue, the theater management sent out an email on Monday describing the $12,000 weekend gross for the movie Dirty Laundry as only "quite average" and merely "ok."

As the first black gay film to be shown at the Chelsea theater in years, Dirty Laundry sold out two shows on Friday and one on Saturday and pulled in a higher per screen average than any of the top 10 grossing films in America. The film beat out The Golden Compass ($7,308), This Christmas ($2,640), Fred Claus ($1,446), Beowulf ($1,524), Bee Movie ($962) and American Gangster ($1,190). But that wasn't enough to satisfy the theater, which plans to close down the movie after Thursday night's show.

The news surprised the film's producers, who had set a goal of grossing a respectable $4,000 to $5,000 per theater, or per screen average (PSA). Instead, they were pleased to gross more than $12,000 at the Chelsea Theater alone. The average PSA for the top 10 grossing films this weekend was $2,479. Dirty Laundry performed 5 times as well as the average and turned in the fifth highest per screen average of any film in America.

And it's not just the big films either. Of the 102 U.S. films currently tracked by box office records, Dirty Laundry posted a higher per screen average than 97 of them. That includes small independent films with limited release and widely distributed big budget films as well. No matter how you measure it, the movie did well. Oddly enough, the New York theater dramatically outperformed the Los Angeles theater showing, but the LA theater chose to keep the movie for the next week.

The New York theater management expressed concern that "the producers may have bought the gross." They expressed suspicion because there were $1,500 in advance ticket sales for Sunday before the theater opened. The theater called this "highly abnormal for a Sunday movie."

But the advance ticket sales were actually the result of an extensive viral campaign that included Internet postings, blog articles, email campaigns and even text messages. In addition, the producers promoted the movie on radio and television throughout the week leading up to the opening. I think the real problem is that the theater can't believe that black gay people would actually come to the movies in such numbers because they don't realize we exist.

I've been to the Clearview Chelsea Theater many times over the 6 years I've lived in New York, and I've never seen or heard of a black gay film being shown there. The theater is located in the heart of the gay community, but I've never seen so many black people in the lobby at one time at the Chelsea Theater until this weekend. I don't think they have either, and I suspect that may have made the theater owners a little uncomfortable.

But how do you turn your back on a movie that has three sold out shows in one weekend? Dirty Laundry outperformed almost every other movie at the Clearview Chelsea Theater this weekend.

American Gangster ($1,190 PSA)
Before the Devil Knows You're Dead ($1,802 PSA)
Dirty Laundry ($12,054 Chelsea Theater; $7,920 PSA)
Lars and the Real Girl ($1,041 PSA)
Michael Clayton ($1,028 PSA)
No Country for Old Men ($3,109 PSA)
The Savages ($15,827 PSA)

But amazingly, the theater chose to continue playing No Country For Old Men and Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. Dirty Laundry ticket sales were double the per screen average for No Country For Old Men and 4 times the per screen average for Before The Devil Knows You're Dead. I was at the theater on both Friday and Saturday nights, and as far as I can tell, no other movie was sold out during that time.

I hate to say it, but this smacks of racism, plain and simple. Black LGBT people have to fight every step of the way just to get a movie into the theaters, and even then, it seems the theater owners would rather lose money than continue running a successful black LGBT movie. That makes no sense. There were no reports of violence, no incidents or anything that would justify such a drastic and dramatic decision.

I seriously doubt the Clearview Chelsea Theater would ever pull the plug on a successful white gay film. Black gay and lesbian people apparently just don't matter to the theater. But many African Americans will no doubt be upset. Dirty Laundry cast member Jenifer Lewis was on The Wendy Williams Show Monday afternoon promoting the movie and the media attention drove so much traffic to the film's website that it actually closed down for a period.

Rev. Al Sharpton was promoting the movie on his radio show last week. I wonder what he will think when he finds out that the theater closed the doors on what seems to be the most successful film in the building, apparently because it was black.

Sadly, I've been through this routine too many times before. In July of last year, LIFEbeat, the music industry's AIDS organization, tried to hold an AIDS fundraising concert with several anti-gay reggae artists. When LIFEbeat refused to back down, the black LGBT community quickly mobilized and led a successful email, phone and fax campaign that garnered national media attention and led the promoter to shut down the concert. It took just two days. And LIFEbeat was forced to apologize for its mistake.

The movie is scheduled to continue playing in Los Angeles despite the action in New York.

Taken from:
http://www.keithboykin.com/arch/2007/12/11/chelsea_movie_t

To contact the Clearview Chelsea Theater:
Clearview Chelsea Theater
260 West 23rd Street
New York, NY 10011
212.691.5519

==========
Playing In The Background...
"We'll Overcome"
by James Hall & Worship And Praise
from the album "...According To James Hall Chapter III"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 02:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Much to the surprise of most of my friends I've taken on a new hobby... drinking. Okay well it's not really a hobby, cuz that makes me sound like an alcoholic, but I drink now... socially. I don't drink to get drunk or to escape from reality or anything like that. I don't even keep alcohol in my house, except for those Smirnoff apple wine coolers from time to time only 'cuz they're good and taste like a sparkling Mistic. It's just nice to have something to hold in your hand at the party and I like the feeling of being a little buzzed, tipsy, nice, that's all, not stumbling, stank ass drunk, that's soooo unattractive. Drinking also gives you an excuse to release your inhibitions a little, or at least that's what I tell people. Little do people know, anything I do while tipsy or buzzed I'd do just as well if I were sober, shhh don't tell nobody.

I'm a taste drinker, meaning that I don't just drink to get drunk. Whatever I'm drinking has to still has to taste good. I don't understand how people can drink cans of beer, or Heinekens or Corona or Hennessy or malt liquor (perish the thought). I've tried it before and that stuff is nasty. I actually don't mess with any colored liquor. I stick to vodka. My favorite drink is cranberry vodka, preferably with more cranberry juice than vodka, like 60/40, even more cranberry juice if it's a house vodka. My favorite vodkas are Grey Goose and Stoli, they're really smooth and mix well with the cranberry juice. Everywhere I go I like to try out their cranberry vodka. The best I've had so far was at Buddha Bar in the Meatpacking District and the one at Verlaine on the Lower East side is a close second. I also like champagne and wine, red and white, but I don't go too heavy on the wine 'cuz wine can really fuck you up and because I'm just a social drinker one larger glass or goblet is all it takes.

If any of you drunkards out there have any drink suggestions for a casual taste drinker like me please leave them in the comments section and I'll be sure to try them next time I go out.

-Adam

==========
Playing In The Background...
"What You Sippin' On" feat. AC
by Britney Spears
from the album "Blackout (Promo)"
=========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (8) | TrackBacks (0)

We crowded around a compound table, you know, one of those big tables they make by pushing small tables together, in the corner of a popular New York diner last Saturday Night. Eight of us, six of us being members of our crew, Media Inc. Me, DJ, Tye Sexy, Shorty Roc, Ra Shawn and Soulgee (Dwight was there in spirit), Keemie my best friend of 12 years and JoJo, the guy DJ's seeing. As we laughed and talked about life and our upcoming projects, the topic of sex came up. It's very rare that you can get a group of grown folks together, especially our group of grown folks together and sex not become a topic of conversation.

DJ, as usual spouted his chauvinistic 'top-is-man-bottom-is-woman' rhetoric which always gets him eye rolls and exclamations of "Uh uh! No DJ..." from everyone except me (I just laugh) and Tye Sexy (she's a straight girl so it doesn't bother her so much). Sometimes I swear DJ is secretly straight but just likes to hang out with gay people because we're so much more fun. Somehow the conversations shifted toward the last time we've all had sex.

"Damn, I ain't had sex in a minute..."
I exclaimed.

"Ummm hmmm and exactly how long is a minute? We read your blog."
Shorty Roc retorted as the others looked at me with skeptical screwfaces. Gosh, you share a few sex experiences on your blog and take a few half naked pics on a railroad track and suddenly you're some type of nymphomaniac or something. What's with people?

"I mean, it's been a while..."
I answered, trying to figure out how long it had been since that night Winston came over.

"And how long is a while, a week, two weeks...?"
Shorty the inquisitioner continued.

"It's been a while... a minute."
I answered, looking into the stone faces of my friends wondering why I was appearing before the firing squad.

"Yeah, that must be a New York minute..."
Shorty said as though he knew something that I didn't know he knew.

Eighteen days. My minute is eighteen days, and counting. Eighteen days since I last got me some. It feels so much longer than it sounds. I mean, I am a native New Yorker. A week without sex I notice, after two weeks I get a little stir crazy, but this is eighteen days were talking about. I'm not used to this shit. I've just been so busy lately that I haven't noticed until now.

I made a sexual joke with a friend on the phone yesterday to which he responded "Please chile, I ain't had sex in six months." Six months! Dayyyyyyyum. I mean, granted I've had lapses of sexual activity have lasted longer than eighteen days before, they don't make this particular one feel any better or anything. This is not just eighteen days though. This is eighteen days, and counting. As far as that six month thing is concerned, that shit is just crazy, he must be like one quarter eunuch or something. I feel like the character "Samantha" (played by Kim Catrall) on "Sex And The City" when she said "I don't know where my next orgasm is coming from?". I concur Samantha, I concur. I don't even have any dates lined up for the weekend. Who knows when I'ma get me some ass again.

I have however, been masturbating as usual. Ever since I've been writing for Enrique Cruz's "Gay Sex Report" blog, one of the perks I get is a free membership to his website. It has sure been coming in handy, or rather cumming in handy (I'm sorry I couldn't help myself). I told him that when I ran into him last Friday at the "Dirty Laundry" movie premiere after which he reluctantly shook my hand. Enrique's stuff has always been my favorite and he chooses really hot guys for his videos. Every night before I go to bed it's me on the left side, my laptop, headphones, jar of Vaseline, and EnriqueCruz.com on the right side.

I got friends, I got my work, I got Enrique, I'll be okay. It's only at the moments when I pause from my otherwise busy life that I notice I haven't been getting any. On the other hand I haven't been getting any of the frustration, aggravation, and drama that go along with getting some, cuz you know having sex does involve at least two people and you have to think about the other person's wants and needs and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So for the time being I guess I'm good. Maybe I'll luck up and my dick will just fall into someone hot in the near future cuz I sure don't have the time to look. I'll keep you updated on how long this sex drought lasts. This should be interesting.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Jerk" feat. 50 Cent
by Next
from the album "Welcome II Nextasy"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Mary J. Blige
"Growing Pains"
2007 Geffen Records
5/5

If "Love And Life" was supposed to be the reincarnation of "What's The 411" and "My Life" and "The Breakthrough", especially in terms of sequencing and mood I would say was most like an updated version of "Share My World" then "Growing Pains", her eighth album is most definitely the continuation of the "Mary" album, a more mature older sister of it, if you will. They are similar even down to their album covers, which both feature simple, avant-garde, side profile photographs of Mary in all of her "Queen Of Hip Hop Soul" glory.

Like "Mary" there is much more shine on the soul jewels than the hip hop jewels in her crown this time around. So if you are expecting The Breakthrough Part 2, you will be somewhat disappointed. Mary, having grown from the hood chick from the projects of Yonkers, New York that we first met in 1992 to the married, accomplished woman we see today, having collaborated and shared stages with some of the world's best loved performers has made an album that exhibits that growth. Mary's music has always been somewhat auto-biographical and "Growing Pains" fortunately, does nothing to break that mold. So there's really not much in the way of cheating lovers, game playing, and single girl craziness here. Mary is a "Grown Woman" now and is singing about love, relationships, self respect and communication in ways she's never quite done before. Hopefully her fans have grown with her.

The album starts off with "Work That". You may have heard this song featured on Mary's television endorsements for Apple computers iPod MP3 player. It's also the second single from the album. "Work..." is basically the apex of all that Mary had been singing and at times preaching about since her debut over fifteen years ago, confidence and self esteem in women. She even acknowledges her own struggles with it in the lyric: "I'm talkin' 'bout things that I know..."

On the next track, the crunk, club banger "Grown Woman" Mary teams up with Ludacris and starts the song boastfully with these lyrics:

"My Michael Kors gear on and Valentino,
Yves St. Laurent and Malandrino
Full length sable way down to the carpet
Look good on the mannequin
But wait until I rock it..."

Next is the first single from the album, the upbeat, feel good "Just Fine". The first time I heard the song I loved it and thought that it definitely showed growth in Mary, lyrically and subject matter-wise but I was shocked that it was chosen as a single, and the first single at that. Much like "All That I Can Say", the first single from the "Mary" album it was off the beaten path and lacked some of the gritty, urban, ghetto-girl sensibility that Mary J. Blige has become almost synonymous with over the years. The first time I heard it I was wondering when the urban remix featuring the rapper du jour was gonna drop? But I guess even ghetto girls have to grow up sometime. Thankfully Mary is taking her followers along for the ride.

On her debut album, Mary was looking for a "Real Love". Now that she's found it in Kendu Issacs, her husband of three years it is most certainly reflected in her music. One of my favorites on the album is the sizzling, midtempo, bass-booming, "Feel Like A Woman" in which the single girl from the hood who on "What's The 411?" spit the lyrics: "Yeah, nigga what makes you different from the next nigga? Seen you last week and you couldn't even speak..." has matured, found love and is singing a different tune in these new lyrics:

"I'm tired of screaming independent
I wanna start depending on you..."

and later on, on the old school, Aretha Franklin-esque  (of course not as Aretha as "I Found My Everything" from "The Breakthrough" album) plea for communication "Talk To Me" Mary sings:

"I would never disrespect you, you are the head
But there are so many things left unsaid..."

The communication theme is continued on "Roses", a midtempo track that Mary states is about "the new definition of love" that:

"...It ain't all about roses
Flowers and posies
It ain't all candy
This love stuff is demanding..."

In between the choruses Mary chimes in with spoken word kernels of her wisdom, that at first listen could throw you off a bit as at face value they sound an awful lot like needless, frustrated rants but come together as a great song, something only Mary could pull off without sounding contrived. Keeping up that same let's stay together vibe on the midtempo ballad, "Stay Down", Mary extols the virtues of couples staying together and "staying down" for each other in lyrics such as:

"Ten years strong and we're looking like a plan
I'm lookin' like your woman and you're lookin' like my man..."

Another of my favorites, the first real ballad of the album, "Hurt Again" has a 70's soul vibe with in it's live instrumentation. The Neptunes continue that 70's vibe on the club banger "Till The Morning", a different kind of track for them. I love this song, I can see the retro video now with Mary dancing around a club in a big afro wig or a Farrah Fawcett-esque weave ala the "Your Child" video. Pharrell, should get fitted for his leisure suit now.

"Shake Down", a duet with Usher on which they trade verses about shaking each other down, "robbing you for your love" they say, think, idea-wise of Kelis' "Stick Up", sound-wise think of the verses of "Love Changes", Mary's duet with Jamie Foxx. In either case, idea-wise it isn't exactly the strongest metaphor but still pleasing to the ear nevertheless.

My absolute favorite song on the album though is the sad love song, "Fade Away", produced by Stargate, a definite third single contender. It is the quintessential Mary J. Blige, sad slow song. It's a midtempo ballad in which Mary emotes beautifully on the chorus:

"Sometimes I wish that I could stand here and fade away
So that no one could see the tears running down my face..."

With a funky, underlying bass line, "Fade..." works great as a ballad (think along the same emotional quotient as "No More Drama", except sad) but would also translate well into dance remixes, something which has garnered Mary a larger, more diverse, gay fan base and has been a staple of her career since her "Mary" album (my favorite Mary J. Blige record) in 1999.

Other standouts on the album include the title track "Work In Progress (Growing Pains)". It's another one of my favorites and one of the best songs on the album vocally, but nevertheless, your standard I-may-be-a-star-but-I'm-normal-just-like-you song. Think, the older, slower, more mature sister of Mary's 1999 single "Deep Inside" from the "Mary" album.

"What Love Is", also produced by Stargate is a sweet, piano-laden ballad which like "Fade Away" is reminiscent to "No More Drama" with it's choir-ish vocals at the end. And speaking of piano-laden midtempo ballads there's "If You Love Me?", produced by Bryan Michael Cox. An effort in which he fails yet again, or never bothered to try to re-invent his own wheel, infusing the song with the same beautiful, yet-repetitive piano tinkling as he did in Mary's 2005 hit "Be Without You" and Danity Kane's "Ride For You" and Mya's "Life Is Too Short" among others. Like great producers have in the past such as The Neptunes and Timbaland, B. Cox is becoming a one trick pony. Luckily it's a trick that everyone seems to like for the time being. As lovely as "...Love Me?" is, the fact that is sounds like a "Be Without You" remix can't be denied.

Like "One" from "The Breakthough" album, and "Ultimate Relationship (A.M.)" from "Love & Life", Mary takes a slight switch in genre on the last track. Instead of the respective rock and gospel of those tracks Mary ends the album with "Come To Me (Peace)", an adult contemporary pop song. I know, I know,  Mary has been down the adult contemporary road before, namely with "Give Me You" from the "Mary" album, but the subdued, pop vocals of "...Peace", a ballad about forgiveness, take things a step further, in turn taking Mary a step further.

Simply put, this album is excellent. There isn't a bad track on it. Just as "Mary" cemented, and "The Breakthrough" re-cemented Mary's status as an A-list musical performer I can only imagine what heights "Growing Pains" will take her to.

If you must download, download: "Grown Woman", "Just Fine", "Till The Morning", "Fade Away", "Work In Progress (Growing Pains)"

ALBUM IN STORES TUESDAY, DECEMBER 18th, 2007

Buy the album from Amazon.com here.

Website: MJBlige.com

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Fade Away"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
=========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
Pictures:
- The official ad for "Dirty Laundry"
- Me and the hilarious comedienne, actress Erica Watson, who played Clarine in the film
Introducing "Media Inc.", the clique of up and coming media people making moves in the black LGBT community with whom I associate. Consisting of (from left to right in the 3rd image are): SoulGee (the talent booker), Tye Sexy (the model, spokesmodel), Ra Shawn (the writer, blogger, manager), DJ Baker aka DJ Doo-Dirty (the radio show host), Myself, (Adam Benjamin Irby, the blogger, writer), Dwight Powell (the actor, writer, producer, party promoter, makeup artist extraordinare), and Shorty Roc (the rapper, pictured in the 4th image, center)
- Media Inc. with Nathan "Seven" Scott (in the suit)
- Media Inc. outside the movie theatre
- Me and my best friend (since the 7th grade), Arkiem at G Lounge, our second bar of the night, can't you tell?
- Shorty Roc and tipsy-ass Me also at G Lounge
==========

Last night I attended the New York premiere screening of the new Maurice Jamal film, "Dirty Laundry" starring Rockmond Dunbar ("Soul Food"), Loretta Devine ("Waiting To Exhale", "Boston Public"), Jenifer Lewis ("A Different World", "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air", "Hangin' With Mr. Cooper" and too many other TV shows to name), Terri J. Vaughn ("The Steve Harvey Show", "All Of Us"), comedienne Sommore, and the film's writer/director Maurice Jamal. there were also appearances by gospel music greats Dr. Bobby Jones & the Nashville Super Choir and Dottie Peoples.

You may remember seeing the trailer for this film at the end of the second and third episodes of my mini-series. I won't totally give the movie away, but here's the basic story. It's basically the tale of prodigal son, Sheldon (played by Dunbar) returning from the glamorous, fast-paced life of New York City to his childhood home in rural Paris, Georgia once the result of actions from his past literally come knocking at his door. That's all you're gonna get from me. Oh, and did I mention that Rockmond Dunbar is gay in the movie, uh huh, gay.

This movie is great, better than I thought it was gonna be. It's the first time I've seen a gay character integrated into a black family movie and not be the butt of every third joke. It was a very real movie yet still heartwarming and funny. I have to commend Maurice Jamal on the script as it was not corny or cheesy at all and was not centered around Sheldon's homosexuality. The movie was about family, with Dunbar's character's homosexuality only being a factor in the complexity of the story, much how life really is. The movie parallels a lot of my life as Dunbar struggles to reconcile his family ties in the South with his life as a writer in New York. It paralleled my life so much so that a friend came up to me and said me "Wow, I thought about you all the way through the movie."

The movie was absolutely excellent and funny as all hell so I recommend that you all go see it.

The movie opens in New York and Los Angeles on Friday, December 7th and in select theatres nationwide, Friday, December 28th. GO SEE IT!

And if you see a bootlegger on the street with it, knock his table over and call the police!

For more info check out The Official Dirty Laundry Movie Website.

Shout out to associate producer of the movie, our friend Nathan "Seven" Scott and executive producer, Nathan Hale Williams (who also played "Peanut" in the movie).

Be sure to check out Enrique Cruz's post movie audience reaction footage from the theatre, including an interview with me on his blog.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Clean Up Woman"
by Betty Wright
from the album "The Platinum Collection"
and
"Flashing Lights" feat. Dwele
by Kanye West
from the album "Graduation"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 05:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

"It's just a fling baby, fling baby
Nothing more than a fling baby, fling baby
Just a bit of ding-a-ling baby, bling baby
Don't want relationships so swing baby, swing baby..."
-Girls Aloud
from the song "Fling"

Now that I'm single and not dating anyone, sex has become more sporadic than usual. I guess that's not so terrible in the final scheme of things, I just can't count on getting it the way I used to, ya know? And I'm not doing the internet thing anymore so that counts that out. Basically, if I don't meet somebody decent while I'm out it's just not gonna happen for me. And if the heavens open up and the stars align and I do end up getting me some, more often than not it's with someone I'm being intimate with the first time and will more than likely never see again.

I've learned from past experience though that when dealing with casual sex, honesty is the best policy. I have to admit, every dude I've ever fucked with isn't exactly the man of my dreams. A lot of the time I'm horny, he's there and I'm there and the shit just pops off. I'm sure I haven't been all that every dude I've ever fucked with dreams of either. I mean, hey, we all got needs, sometimes the opportunity presents itself and it's like hey, what the fuck? Why the hell not? But what's messed up is when we lull anyone, or knowingly allow anyone to lull themselves into believing that it's more than just what it is.

I used to be one of those people who thought that just because I fucked someone that they were my boyfriend. Awww, c'mon admit it, you we're too. You didn't just magically become the learned, cosmopolitan, wise-beyond-your-months (yes months, a month is a homo year), homo you are today. You were innocent, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed once before Raheem, Rahliek, Chad or whoever it was with a big dick and/or fat ass and a smile ("...that boy is poison, p-p-poison"), broke your heart and turned you into a bitter, jaded queen who doesn't believe in love anymore, remember?

I've been the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed (ewww forgive the pun, I just got into that) homo and unfortunately I've been Raheem as well. Being a little more experienced now every so often I find myself in the presence of one of those homos who I know if I fuck them they're gonna get attached to me. I used to just think, fuck it, I wanna hit, you gonna let me hit, we'll iron out the other shit later. Isn't it funny how hurting people hurt people? I was once hurt by a fly by night Chad, and now I've become one. How fucked up is that vicious circle? All I cared about was getting my nutt, going into the shit knowing that the person is gonna be open for me and knowing that I don't even feel the person like that. A lot of the time I would just ignore that feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me what I'm doing is wrong. Do you know how many times I've done that shit? And how many times it's been done to me?

Recently I was in a situation where I was, well, I guess dating someone. It was a sexual thing we had going on. We'd see each other, we'd go out, or we'd just chill at the crib but at the end of the night we'd have sex. Not just sex, really good motherfuckin' sex, we'd fuck like wild animals. He had this angelic face and seemed so innocent in the streets but when I got him in the bedroom he was such a freak, just the way I liked it. If I had to give a Lil' Kim reference I'd say "the way he sucked my dick, he had me head over heels..." I get hard just thinking about the positions I'd have him in, the way he'd ride me, the way I used to hit it from the back and watch my dark brown dick impale his fat little light-skinned ass, to hit it missionary and watch his face twitch in ecstasy as he moaned my name, called me "Daddy" and told me that my dick was "the best he'd ever had". Ahhh the memories... He felt the same way I felt, about the sex that is, I mean it was fuckin' great. He told me that I know what he likes without him even having to tell me, as though we'd had sex before, like in another life or something. Unfortunately his compliment stroked more than just my ego. Somewhere in the midst of the moans and groans and the rhythm of our contorted bodies giving each other pleasure, my feelings got mixed up in there. And somewhere in the process I stopped just fucking him and started making love.

I really started to like him and I believe he liked me, as a person, hey why not? I'm a nice guy, but he wasn't developing that type of feelings for me and as much as I tried not to see it, I knew good and damn well. Things were uneven... again, what a terribly familiar feeling this is. I'd text him and if he didn't text me right back I'd think he was uninterested. I wanted to talk to him but I didn't wanna call too much. If I called him every time he was on my mind, I'd never be off the phone. What was he doing? Where was he? I was like Blu Cantrell, "looking at the phone as if it owed me a favor..." I hope he's not fucking somebody else, or rather letting somebody else fuck him. Why doesn't he fuckin' call me?

"Though I know what I love most of him
I'm walking on needles and pins
My addiction to the worst of him..."
-Feist
from the song "Brandy Alexander"

Our thing cooled off even more after a while, as all things do, as all uneven-made-up-in-your-imagination things do, we got busy, he more than I, we started seeing each other less and less and then talking less and less and then meetings started getting postponed and canceled. Days would go by without us talking and it started to become real apparent that my feelings were unrequited. He was my priority, while I was obviously only an option for him. So I decided to just cut him off, he was unhealthy for me. I was tired of feeling for someone who didn't feel for me, that was my love life story. So I made a declaration, it's over between us, fuck you, you know I'm feeling you and you don't feel me, lose my number, he apologized, I melted, we saw each other again, he sucked my dick, we talked, we cuddled, damn he's so fuckin fine, nothing changed, things got worse, he got even more distant, I declared again, fuck you, lose my number, I mean it this time, he apologized, I forgave him, he never took full responsibility for his actions, he made me take part of the blame, he tricked me, I resented him, I made him answer a question, the big question, the one I already knew the answer to, "How do you really feel about me?", he answered, I was angry, why didn't he tell me? Why did he let me fuck him all those times? Why did he come to my house, and eat my food, and lie in my bed, and smile my smiles, and laugh my laughs, and listen to my stories, and waste my time? He knew how I felt. I'm such an idiot. I cut him off for real after that time. I was desperate so I took a desperate measure. I erased his number from my phone. I told him all I thought of him via text message, all I had felt but had been afraid to say because I thought I'd lose him. He texted me the next day and I didn't even look at it. I deleted it. I didn't want to read his apology, or his explanation, or his insults. Because then I would have to say something back, and then he'd say something back, and then I'd day something back, and it'd start all over again. He was poison and I had to quit him before he killed me. I was fighting for my emotions, fighting for my life. I couldn't fall into him again. So I walked away. I took solace in the fact that walking away had gotten a lot easier than it used to be.

I wasn't as mad with him as I was at me. How could I fall for another Rahliek? I knew better but I couldn't help myself. What I am mad at him for though is the fact that he just didn't tell me that he was uninterested as soon as felt like he was uninterested? Why did I have to drag it out of him? Why didn't he just say Adam, we fucked, that was fine and good but I'm just not interested in you like that? What's so wrong with that? Why did he apologize when I was ready to walk away? Why couldn't he just let me go? He didn't want me anyway. I don't get it. As soon as I got all strong and confident and was ready to walk away he made me melt again, why? Why did he tell me all of those sweet things? Well I guess those questions will remain unanswered because I never plan on speaking to Pubby or answering any of his correspondences again, at least until I feel I'm totally over him. I know it's petty and not very mature or evolved but I gotta look out for number one this time, everybody else fuckin' does it. I just can't risk falling for this dude again.

I shoulda listened when I was told to leave him alone, that he was no good for me, that he was playing games and that I deserve more. Y'all, the readers of my blog, my guardian angels, people who don't even know me, with nothing to lose or gain one way or the other were hitting me up and telling me this. I guess it's like in the words of Tennessee Williams "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers." Thanks guys. I'ma finally get it one of these days.

On the other hand, in my recent involvement with Winston. I've noticed that he seems to be developing feelings for me rather quickly. So in everything we do I'm being real patient with him, telling him to slow down, get to know me, don't do so much so soon. We've had sex, it was very consensual, we both wanted it, he more than I though. He literally jumped on me and started ripping my clothes off. That was hot, but even with that I'm not 100% sure how I feel about him yet or how I want to proceed. He's cool, but I'm not necessarily looking for a boyfriend right now. I make sure that I'm straight up and honest with him at all times because I don't want to be to him what Pubby was to me. I'm aware of how easy it can be to lull yourself into a false sense of security with someone and I just won't allow  him to do that and as a result, no one is hurt. When fucking, honesty is the best fucking policy.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Fling"
by Girls Aloud
from the album "Tangled Up"
and
"Brandy Alexander"
by Feist
from the album "The Reminder"
and
"Catching Feelings"
by Faith Evans
from the album "The First Lady"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

Hot on the heels of "The Flawless Video" we collaborated on a while back, producer, Nathan "Seven" Scott came to me with an idea, a spinoff of sorts, a series of weekly one man shows starring me. He wanted to title it "adam. the mini-series". Even though I was flattered by the idea I was also a little apprehensive as I never thought I would be interesting enough to pull this sort thing off.

We persevered, we brainstormed, we filmed and after some prodding by Nathan we actually got some good stuff. Upon seeing the final product I was really excited. The best way to describe the mini-series would be to say that it's an audible, ocular extension of the blog. Talking about my life and experiences on film comes off in a different way than it does on paper. I'm not rehashing the things that I've shared here but rather telling new stories, and in many ways going deeper inside myself than I've ever gone before. I'm also gonna be tackling some social issues as well. Some of the things you'll see me share in the next couple of weeks I'd almost rather have not said, but once its out there it's out there. So sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. I sure did.

-Adam

In this week's episode Nathan takes me to the playground where we chat about:
- Adulthood: being 24, turning 25, turning 30
- Trading naked cell phone pictures
- Visiting the family for Thanksgiving
- What makes me mad
- Why black folks are always late for everything
- My New Year's resolution
- And an introduction to "Miss Berry"

Be sure to comment on the video and let me know what you think.

Just in case you have a problem playing the embedded video here here's the YouTube direct link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBPCflhVHiw

CATCH ALL-NEW EPISODES OF "ADAM. THE MINI-SERIES EVERY THURSDAY!!!

For more Nathan "Seven" Scott produced videos check out his YouTube channels:
The & Show
The Nathan "Seven" Scott Experience

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Playing In The Background...
"Breakin' Dishes"
by Rihanna
from the album "Good Girl Gone Bad"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

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This post is dedicated to all the women who read this blog. I see you.

-Adam
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Yesterday when I posted my 7 lessons I learned in 2007 my mind immediately went to my older sister Nikki. Nikki and I have always been close my whole life. Though Nikki is religious and saved like my parents are she still accepts me for who I am and is my only family member that reads my blog. She's told me that reading my blog is like a surreal experience for her due to the fact that the experiences I've had and all the emotional trauma I've gone through as a result of relationships I never shared with my family before. I kept it all inside. So to read that Adam, who she still sees as her chubby cheeked little brother was out there fucking around and doing all types of crazy stuff (if you're new, just check out the "Sex" and "Online Dating Horror Stories" sections of the blog to catch up) totally amazed her. She's said that through the blog she feels like she's getting to know me all over again. It's such an honor to know that Nikki, who's been writing and blogging all her life (even before there was a such thing as a blog) enjoys my writing and is proud of me. Although I know she doesn't understand everything I do and I'm sure she cringes and winces here and there, I also know that she loves me unconditionally and that's what really matters.

So I'm sure we've all seen Tyler Perry's play and his movie "Diary Of A Mad Black Woman", right? Well Tyler ain't got nothin' on my big sis. 2007 has been a really trying year for Nikki to say the least, I'll give you the short story. She came into the year finding out that her husband of ten years and father of her three children, the third of which she was pregnant with at the time, was not only cheating on her, he also had another family and essentially another life on the other side of town. She dumped him and moved with her three children to another state in an effort to restart her life. She finds a new boyfriend, who she later learns is sleeping around with another family member of ours. The stress of all of this infidelity and deceit on top of being a single mother of three children, one of which is autistic, was just too much for her body and mind to take. In the Summer of this year Nikki suffered a stroke, due to stress, and being overweight and almost died. After her stint in the hospital Nikki and her children moved into my mother and father's house down south. Currently Nikki is there starting over yet again after making a full recovery and even shed 90 pounds in the process. She's working again and has reconnected with God and her spiritual side and gives him and my parents all the credit for helping her start over again. Today Nikki is currently writing again on her MySpace blog and working on getting her own place.

Nikki is a walking miracle. After all she's been through this year I know that she has a lot to share. Yesterday I asked her to write her 7 lessons and although I've never had a guest writer on my blog before, who better than my big sis, Nikki to christen the new category.

Nikki's 7 Lessons She's Learned In 2007:

Oh Ad... you know I have life lessons in 2007 that I will never forget. This year has definitely been the year of completion for me and it has brought me all the way back to one. After losing my house, my marriage, my car, my clothes and darn near my life I'm just happy to be here most days. Since you're my brother I will take the liberty to put some of my life lessons on your blog... you won't mind :) 

Lesson One:
I've learned to do all I can today because tomorrow is not promised.

Lesson Two:
I've learned to follow my first instinct about a person.
If you got to say "well he...", "well maybe..." stop making excuses for him and get rid of the nigga fast. A "well" ain't nothing but a hole in the ground.

Lesson Three:
I've learned that sometimes the people closest to you can bring you down faster than a negro in the street.

Lesson Four:
Sometimes running from your problems can cause bigger problems.
I've learned to stand still, face the day, and stop running.

Lesson Five:
I've learned that putting God first in my life is priority.
Without him with me in the hospital, I would have died. I'm not perfect and I don't think none of us are... but a personal relationship with God is better than all the money in the world. I have peace of mind now.

Lesson Six:
I've learned to stop being so darn nice.
I have to put a limit on how much I help people. Some people can take your niceness for a weakness and it can do more harm than good.

Lesson Seven:
Last but not least. After losing everything and starting from scratch. I'm learning to be patient with myself.
I can't even begin to explain how humbling it is to come home to Mommy and have to live by someone else's house rules again. But I'm learning that Rome wasn't built in a night. That God's got my back and this time I'm building from a stronger foundation. So I'm looking forward to 2008 and what the year of "new beginnings" will bring.

I'll let you know if I think of anything else.
Love ya.

-Nikki

Nikki can be reached via her MySpace page.

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Playing In The Background...
"Sister" feat. Faith Evans
by Kelly Price
from the album "Priceless"
and
"Declaration (This Is It!)"
by Kirk Franklin
from the album "Fight Of My Life"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

It's December 5th, there are exactly 26 more days left of this year of our Lord two-thousand and seven. As we prepare to wrap up another year I begin to think of how much I've grown and take inventory of all the lessons I learned this year. Overall, '07 has been a pretty good year. I pretty much kept my New Year's resolution this year, my foot slipped a couple of times but I got right back up and kept it moving. I started this blog back in February and that's gone very well, better than even I expected. I discovered my passion for writing and am preparing to write my first book. Life is good, God is good, I'm good.

Just like at the end of any scholastic year I want to go over all the life lessons I've learned, studying them and passing life's tests so I wont be doomed to repeat them again. So here's what I've learned:

Lesson One:
"When people show you who they are, believe them."
This actually a famous Maya Angelou quote and Lord knows she's right. I've learned finally this year to never enter a relationship, friendship, partnership or even a fuckin' cruise ship with the intention of changing anybody. People are who they are. God won't even change somebody unless they let him, so who is any of us to try and do it? It's pointless. If his ass ain't no good in '07, what the fuck is gonna make '08 any different? Anybody who does not add anything helpful to your life, cut them off. Unfortunately this particular lesson is one of those that most people, myself included, don't get the first, second, or even the third, go round. But every time it's gone around it's easier and I'm better than the last go round.

Lesson Two:
I can do anything I put my mind to.
I came into this year with no real direction for my life. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I just didn't see any potential for myself. I wasn't living, I was just existing. Getting up and going to work everyday, coming home and doing the same thing all over again. Jumping from relationship to relationship, bed to bed trying to find something to fulfill the emptiness I was feeling inside. So I decided to write, I started a blog, I got real with myself and now I'm here and you're here, hi, how are ya? Having this blog wasn't always easy and there was some discouragement along the way but I persevered and so many doors have been opened as a result. Twelve months ago I never would have thought that I'd be where I am now. I put my mind to writing and being a better, stronger person and, voila! So whatever's on your mind today, no matter how crazy or unattainable it seems, don't be afraid to see it through.

Lesson Three:
Everything that glitters ain't gold, some of these bitches is plated.
I don't wanna get too deep into this as this will be a blog post of it's own soon but, doing what I've been doing this year has exposed me closely and not so closely to people who some would say are of different castes in the black gay community, higher and lower. I've learned that it's all such fucking bullshit, don't believe the hype. People in the quote-unquote "spotlight" are just as fucked up as the rest of us. And a lot of times people don't even ask to be put on a pedestal, others put them there and in turn people have all of these unrealistic expectations of them. Either way, we all put our pants on one leg at a time and are all worthy of respect and you make sure that people give you your due respect no matter who they say they are.

Lesson Four:
Sex is not everything.
Most people probably have been learned this lesson but I came into this year a sex-a-holic and it's a revelation for me, okay? While I still love sex and it's great when I can get it, I don't climb the walls as much as I used to when I can't. The pursuit of sex has lost me some friends and really hasn't gained me much except for an STD scare. I'm not totally off sex, I'm still horny-ass Adam who likes to fuck and masturbates twice a day, shit, that ain't never gon' change. It's just that now I've taken most of that energy I used to waste on the pursuit of sex and use it toward attaining better, more useful things. I also think before I fuck now because sometimes the ass and the nutt just aren't worth it at the end of the day.

Lesson Five:
There is nothing wrong with being single.
You know, for the first time ever I'm really like, not minding being single. Like, it's crazy. I've never been single before. I've always had a boyfriend and if I didn't have a boyfriend I was in pursuit of a boyfriend. I've never just been still for a minute. I used to always look down on people who said that they were happily single and think, 'Oh, those bitches are delusional, they're lying to themselves.' but when you have a life of your own and an identity of your own you don't have time to be looking for a damn boyfriend 24 hours a day. Shyt, I ain't been on a date in a minute and that's okay. Granted, I jump off from time to time, a brotha got needs, I took somebody home from the club last Friday night, we messed around, I got a little bit of head, it was nice to be able to cuddle with someone, I ain't gon' front. But it was what it was, I'm not expecting the nigga to be my boyfriend all of a sudden, ya know? As far as relationships are concerned I'm not adverse to it but I'm not looking for it either. I'm chillin' and it just feels good to be me right now.

Lesson Six:
God loves me.
A lot of church people, my family included would say that because I'm a homo that God wouldn't love me or bless me as richly as anybody else. I don't know what the hell they're talking about. The Lord loves me so much and has been with me through so much this year and in life in general and I love him too, homo and all. They don't even know the half. It's just one of those situations where I can't even be mad all I do is let it go in one ear and out the other and blame it on the fact that they don't know any better.

Lesson Seven:
Everything is gonna be alright.
I have been in some conundrums this year, some really, really, really, bad situations this year, some having been unfortunate, unforeseen circumstances and some were as a result of my actions. Between, work, and friends, and relationships, and finances, some days I didn't know how I was gonna make it. But I just learned to just do my best, do my part to make things right, place it in God's hands and stop stressing it and surely everything turned out alright, not necessarily the way I expected or even wanted it, but alright nevertheless. I find solace in the fact that God knows much better than I know. Thank you God.

I think that's just about it. If I think of anything else before the ball drops on the 31st I'll post that too. What have you learned this year?

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Playing In The Background...
"I Know Where I've Been"
by Queen Latifah
from the album "Trav'lin Light"
and
"It's Right And Good"
by Walter Hawkins & the Love Center Choir
from the album "Love Alive V"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (8) | TrackBacks (0)

Kylie Minogue
"X"
2007 EMI International
4/5

While Kylie is pretty much unknown in the US outside of die-hard pop music fans, around the world she's right up there with Madonna, popularity-wise. After bursting on the scene in 1988 with her self-titled debut album and first single "Locomotion" (You remember the song, "C'mon baby do the locomotion..." "Vanessa Huxtable" [actress Tempestt Bledsoe] and her friends danced to it in skimpy outfits on that episode of "The Cosby Show" and her mother "Claire Huxtable" [actress Phylicia Rashad] got really pissed, remember?) she's released eight more albums, done nine tours, and sold over 37 million records worldwide.

The next and last time that the US has heard from Kylie is 2001's fever, her eighth album and her highest selling ever at over 9 million copies worldwide. It peaked on the US chart at number three and spawned the oft played on MTV hits "Can't Get You Outta My Head", "Love At First Sight", and "Come Into My World" while the rest of the album burned up dancefloors worldwide.

Hot off the success of "Fever" Kylie released 2003's "Body Language", her ninth album. "...Language" could be described as mixture of Kylie's standard disco-europop sound with a strong contemporary R&B edge, a more American sound than that of her more European sounding previous recordings. The album's first single, the dark, europoppy "Slow" being the only song virtually unaffected by the shift in sound. "Slow" in my opinion was a poor choice for a first single, especially for release in the US. As I predicted, the song didn't perform very well here and as a result the subsequent singles weren't released here. In an effort to make Kylie sound even more American, preliminary versions of her third single from "...Language", "Chocolate" (my absolute favorite Kylie song ever) featured rapper Ludacris, Kylie (thankfully) scrapped his contribution from the final version that ended up on the album. Even with all the drama surrounding it, the album was a favorite among US critics, with Rolling Stone magazine and All Music Guide giving it shining reviews. The album is also a Kylie fan favorite, receiving many favorable reviews on websites such as Amazon.com. "...Language" is a favorite of mine as well, beyond it being my favorite Kylie Minogue album, it is one of my favorite pop albums by any artist ever. With me, this, her tenth album "X" (which as of right now has a US release date scheduled for February 12th, 2008 but has been prominently displayed in US music stores since the day of it's international release, November 27th, 2007) has a hard act to follow. Let's see how it fares.

"X" starts off with, the first single "2 Hearts", a catchy, glam-rock flavored number with a chorus whose first line:

"Two hearts are beating togethaaaaa
I'm in love, whoo, I'm in love whoo..."

you will have to have surgically removed from your brain. The europop is back with songs like "Like A Drug", the Calvin Harris produced "In My Arms", and the slower but still sizzling Bloodshy & Avant produced "Speakerphone", these hot dance tracks are sure to continue Kylie's record of dancefloor arson. "Sensitized", produced by Cathy Dennis is one of the most interesting Kylie songs I've ever heard. It starts off with Dixie Chick-esque honky tonk strings before the dance beat drops in, making it an irresistible pop song, definitely a contender for single release, especially for the US. "Heart Beat Rock", my favorite song on the album, also produced by Harris sounds like it was ripped right off the top of the US pop charts. This Fergie-esque, pop number is Kylie's best chance at impacting the US charts again as she did in 2001.

Other standouts on the album include, "The One", produced by the Freemasons, is a very 90's sounding europop song and even though it sounds like we've all been here before it's vintage Kylie. The boring, "No More Rain" is a song that Kylie says that she had to "...fight to get on the album." Personally, I wish she had lost the fight. "All I See" is another Kylie stab at R&B, it's okay, it's sweet, though teetering on dull at times and is nothing compared to any of the great R&B-ish tracks from "Body Language". "Nu-di-ty" is a naughty little chopped and screwed dance number in which Kylie coos for her lover to:

"Do your own thing, with your own thing.
Shake a hint, get it in full swing..."

and let's him know that:

"It's time to strip down, time to strip down.
Just pull that zipper for me and then work that thing out..."

I like it, nasty but not parental advisory sticker nasty. The album ends with the reflective ballad "Cosmic".

So is "X" better than "Body Language", no, but what is? Is it worth the purchase, even though right now it's an expensive import? Yes.

If you must download, download: "2 Hearts", "Like A Drug", "In My Arms", "Heart Beat Rock", "Nu-di-ty"

ALBUM IN STORES TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 12th, 2008... HOPEFULLY.

Buy the album from HMV UK here.

Website: Kylie.com

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Playing In The Background...
"2 Hearts"
by Kylie Minogue
from the album "X"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 09:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

I'm sooooo not feeling the Christmas spirit this year, last year either for that matter. It snowed for the first time this season yesterday morning and it was like, so what. The whole magic of the Christmas season seems to be gone.

This is the time of year that I upload all of my favorite Christmas music to my iPod, BeBe & CeCe Winans "First Christmas" album, Kelly Price's "One Family" Christmas Album, James Hall & Worship And Praise's Christmas album, Faith Evans' "A Faithful Christmas" album, Kirk Franklin & the Family's "Christmas" album, and Christmas selections by the Colorado Mass Choir, Mariah Carey, Il Divo, Fred Hammond, Keyshia Cole, Jessica Simpson, Vanessa Williams (I love her version of "What Child Is This" so much that I listen to it all year) and others. I bought Tamia's Christmas EP and I haven't even listened to it yet. I haven't been inspired. I browsed around music stores at the new Christmas albums coming out this year and I wasn't inspired, I wasn't impressed. It seems like nobody, including the gospel artists wants to sing the traditional Christmas Carols anymore. Everybody wants to sing this baby-let's-snuggle-by-the-fire-shit and it's not cutting it! When we were little me and my sister used to cue the Christmas CDs up in the stereo in the living room by the Christmas tree and let them play continuously 24 hours a day, the last weeks before Christmas.

Living and working in New York, the Christmas capital of the world, you'd think with all the lights, crowds, decorations, and shopping that I'd be all jazzed about it. I come in to work at the hotel and see it all decorated with lights and faux trees and shit and you'd think that do something, nope, nada. It's all so fake, there's so much capitalistic bullshit surround Christmas nowadays. People are pushing, kicking, and trampling each other to death at 4am trying to get in a store on Black Friday, the so-called unofficial beginning of the holiday season, so they could save a couple dollars on an iPod or a HDTV. They're battling this guy out on Long Island because he wants to put a nativity scene in the town square next to the "holiday tree". And that's another thing, what the fuck is a holiday tree? That is such bullshit! It's Christmas and the tree is a Christmas tree. Me and the fundamentalist Christians have finally found something that we can agree on. People are always trying to find ways to water down some shit. Christmas is a religious Christian holiday, to celebrate the birth of Christ, if you don't like it, don't celebrate it. It is what it is. I don't see people tryna change Chanukkah or Ramadan, why is that? Because Chanukkah and Ramadan don't make toy companies, and electronics companies and clothing companies any money, that's why. To rake in the most money possible corporations and even our politicians don't want to exclude anyone or make them uncomfortable. The "J" word, the name Jesus, has always made people uncomfortable and if people are uncomfortable then they won't spend.

I feel so bad for the kids growing up today. The smallest ones probably don't even know what Christmas is really all about. Fuck a Santa Claus! My mother and father never taught us the bullshit! They told us that they buy our presents and taught us what gift giving was all about and what it symbolized. There were years when we didn't have a lot of money to buy presents and stuff but we never felt like we were lacking anything because we had love and that's what Christmas is all about. And if we didn't know what Christmas was all about we sure would find out after Daddy's twenty minute Christmas prayer. We used to be feenin' to open those presents waking up at the crack of dawn and Daddy would just pray, and pray, and pray. I remember one year we didn't even have a tree, all we had was a fake green foil wreath. We decorated that with lights, stuck it up on the wall and put presents under it. Now that I think about it, Daddy used to say twenty minute Thanksgiving prayers too. We used to be hungry as hell waiting for Daddy to finish talking to God. Memories. All the kids today see of Christmas in the media are toy commercials.

Living alone contributes somewhat to my lack of Christmas spirit. Last year I was gonna buy a tree but where in the hell was I gonna put it in this small ass apartment? And I'm hardly home to look at it anyway and I know Keisha (my cat) would eventually find some way to knock it down. Christmas is on a Tuesday this year so it will be the first one I spend away from my family. I won't spend the day with anybody actually. I'm working all day on Christmas. There's gonna be a big club party that night so I'll go to that. Nothin' says Christmas like a night at the club, right? Maybe I'll find a hot, naked bottom under my tree this year, oh yeah, I don't have a tree, damn.

Even today with me not being the most religious person in the world and not being a guzzler of the church Kool-Aid I still am grateful for my Christian upbringing. The Bible isn't perfect and neither are those who teach it but is sure does have a whole lot of wisdom, history and values in it. Thinking on Christmases past I've decided not to let our twisted, money hungry, capitalist society take away my Christmas spirit. I'm gonna get into it if it kills me dammit! Lemme put that Tamia CD in my iPod.

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Playing In The Background...
"The Real Meaning Of Christmas"
by the Colorado Mass Choir
from the album "The Real Meaning Of Christmas Vol. 1"
and
"What Child Is This"
by Vanessa Williams
from the album "Star Bright"
and
"Hark The Herald Angels Sing"
by BeBe & CeCe Winans
from the album "First Christmas"
and
"Hark The Herald Angels Sing"
by Jessica Simpson
from the album "Re-Joyce The Christmas Album"
and
"O Come All Ye Faithful"
by Faith Evans
from the album "A Faithful Christmas"
and
"Silent Night"
by Kelly Price
from the album "One Family Christmas Album"
and
"Now Behold The Lamb"
by Kirk Franklin & the Family
from the album "Christmas"
and
"O Holy Night"
by Il Divo
from the album "The Christmas Collection"
and
"O Come, O Come Emmanuel"
by Richard Smallwood with Vision
from the album "Rejoice"
and
"Away In A Manger" feat. Katrina Spence
by James Hall & Worship And Praise
from the album "A James Hall Christmas"
and
"Christmas Medley"
by Tamia
from the album "Tamia's Christmas/A Gift Between Friends"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 10:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

People are really funny about their friends. Far too often I've been in situations with present and former friends where I meet a friend of theirs and their friend is attracted to me and I to the friend but my friend doesn't want us to date. I always wonder why, why friend can't I date your friend? I mean, we're friends, right? What's the big deal? Why have you forbidden me from this fruit? Don't they realize that that's only gonna make us want each other more? Forbidden fruit is always the best tasting fruit (wink, wink).

When faced with this obstacle, this sanction between me and the one with who I'm newly infatuated, I usually go against my friend's wishes and date the person anyway. My stubborn, independent nature doesn't allow for me to abide by such an edict. It actually pisses me off that my friend would even come at me in such a way anyway, as I have never, haven't ever, and would never mind if things were the other way around. As much as I'm gay and evolved and in touch with my feminine side I can be very macho (Leo, King Of The Jungle) at times and that kinda thing I take (sometimes wrongly, but not always) as a strategy to exert control over me and I never take kindly to that. I mean, shit, you my friend and all but you ain't my fuckin' father! I fuck who the fuck I wanna fuck so fuck you. As a result my sociable dick has lost me a few friends.

A good example is the termination of my friendship with my ex-best friend Chuck. I've mentioned him a few times namely here, here, and here. One major blow to our friendship was the fact that I fucked and subsequently dated two of his friends, people I met through him, after being told not to do so. I took Chuck's instruction not to date his friends very offensively, as though he were trying to control my life. In his case I think he was trying to control me, that withstanding, what I've learned from that experience is that friendships are kinda like relationships, but without the sex (at least for most people), you gotta compromise. Even though I would never hinder friends of mine from dating and I personally see it as a great thing, especially if two people that I brought together find love and stay together, I'd only be concerned about whose side I'm gonna sit on at the commitment ceremony myself, but I digress. People have their own reasons to do what they do and believe what they believe and even though I may not understand the rationale behind it and think that it's absolutely absurd I also realize that if I really value that person's friendship then I may have to acquiesce, roll with the punches, and take one for the team from time to time. And if I really feel like it's that serious then I'll do what I want but at the risk of losing the friendship. 'Cuz honestly, if I didn't get the chance to stick my dick inside my friend's friend, I'd live. The real question is how much is the friendship worth to me?

That brings us to Thursday night. I was at Mr. Man's party at Duvet. I arrived at about 2:30a, fashionably late as usual. I'm standing by the bar sipping on my drink, cranberry vodka, minding my own business while Mr. Man went off to make his rounds through the crowd. That's when I saw Freddy. Freddy is someone I met at a networking event a few weeks ago. He is a friend of my friend, we'll call my friend, Devin. Using "Sex And The City" terms, I would describe Devin and Freddy as "frenemies". Frenemeies are friends that are cordial and somewhat loyal to each other but still have issues with the things that they don't like about each other. Those things they usually never hesitate to point out to others, especially if an inquiry is made about their friend. I wouldn't go so far as to say that they're fake friends, but as the adage goes, keep your friends close and your enemies even closer.

The day I first met Freddy he was very flirtatious, dropping not-so subtle sexual innuendo and double entendre throughout our conversation. That conversation also included Devin, who looked at Freddy in disgust, sick to his stomach at his friend's coquettish ways with someone he had been introduced to only minutes prior. Once Freddy left, Devin filled me in on the years of his and Freddy's history as friends. As Devin spinned it, Freddy's promiscuous ways had come between Devin and his other friends time and time before. It was to a point where Devin didn't even like to bring Freddy around his other friends anymore. This meeting was unfortunately unavoidable. As Devin talked I felt it coming, the passion in his voice, the frustration in his face, the subdued anger in his mannerisms, here it comes... here it comes... oh fuck! The edict:

"Adam, I don't care who you fuck with but you cannot fuck Freddy. If you fuck Freddy I swear I will never speak to you again."

Dammit! Not this shit again. So now I have to add Freddy to the list of people that I should legally, within my rights as an American be able to fuck (well, at least in most in most states) but cannot because my friend doesn't want me to. I mean like, what's the big fuckin' deal? I never understood this shit. I have yet in all my 24 years to tell a friend that they can't fuck somebody. Why cock block? Why hate?

Normally I would have been tight about this sorta thing but I figure that the friendship between Devin and I is good, why cause undue friction over a piece of ass? It's not like Freddy was "the one" or somethin', all he wanted from me was a ride on my dick. Granted, Freddy was sexy, my type, and a freak and I know the sex would be off the hook (his reputation precedes him) and although it'd probably be one night only, no strings attached, it wasn't worth fucking up a friendship with someone I see every other day. So I didn't sweat it and even though I didn't understand why it was such a big deal I shut my mouth, compromised and took this one for the team.

Back to Thursday night. I saw Freddy, we exchanged glances and then smiles and then he walked over to me. We exchanged normal club small talk, the-whaddups, the how-you-beens, the how-long-you-been-heres, we even talked about Devin and his where abouts that evening. He finally got me alone and it didn't take Freddy long to get down to the nitty-gritty.

"Why don't you fuck me so you can write about it on your blog tomorrow?"

"Huh?"

I said, pretending like I hadn't heard him as I over dramatized my tipsy-ness. This nigga is crazy, but it's so fuckin' hot though. Freddy looked back at me seductively, licking his chops like he was a ferocious lion and I was an unassuming, (kinda) innocent little lamb, and I'm supposed to be the Leo here. If he coulda took me in the bathroom right then I believe he would have.

"Shit, we can go in the bathroom right now..."

"Huh?"

I replied, totally dumbfounded and confused. I'm tipsy, this sexy ass dude wants me to fuck him at my ex-boyfriend's party, I'm horny as shit, I promised Devin I wouldn't do it, and even if I did try to do it on the low and swear Freddy to secrecy he's gonna eventually tell Devin, because they're frenemies and Freddy's just that kinda bitch.

"See that's whats wrong with y'all. Niggas is always scared..."

Now he's challenging my manhood, on some reverse psychology shit. Is there like some kinda coquette handbook that he's reading this shit from? 'Cuz the shit works, we exchanged numbers. Although I still wasn't planning to fuck him and I didn't save his number in my phone I didn't wanna look like a total pussy. Hopefully he wouldn't call, and if he did I just wouldn't answer the phone.

I saw Devin again Friday night. While we were out I told him about Freddy's advances at the club. I also reassured him that I wouldn't mess with Freddy because he told me not to. He told me that it was whatever and that he didn't care whether I fucked Freddy or not anymore. I don't believe him though.

It's Sunday and Freddy hasn't called.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"None Of Your Business"
by Salt-N-Pepa
from the album "Very Necessary"
and
"What About Your Friends"
by TLC
from the album "Ooooooohhh...On the TLC Tip"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (8) | TrackBacks (0)

Today, Saturday, December 1st, 2007 is the 20th observance of World AIDS Day. An idea that came forth at the 1988 World Summit of Ministers of Health on Programmes for AIDS Prevention. Each a theme is chosen for the observance. This year's theme is "Stop AIDS. Keep the Promise - Leadership".

World AIDS Day is typically observed by holding memorials to honor persons who have died from HIV/AIDS and Government and health officials making speeches or holding forums on AIDS-related topics. Ever since 1995 the President Of The United States has made an official proclaimation on World Aids Day and many other world leaders have followed suit.

For those of us who aren't world leaders or government or health officials I believe that World AIDS Day is a day to reflect on those we've lost and to also think of ways that we as individuals can stop the spread of HIV/AIDS every day. By doing things like getting tested and knowing our status, using condoms, making better decisions regarding our bodies and our sex partners, and donating to AIDS charities.

If HIV/AIDS affects one of us it affects us all. Every day is World AIDS Day.

LINKS:

For more information on World AIDS Day check out the World AIDS Campaign Official Website.

For more information on testing for HIV, the virus that causes AIDS and to find an HIV testing center near you (in the US), check out The National HIV Testing Resource website.

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)