January 2008 Archives

"On the kaleidoscope of love, people go 'round and 'round in circles.
Falling in love and feeling pain, but it's the player, not the game..."
-Lil' Mo
from the song "Player Not The Game"

It's all just a big motherfuckin' circle, life, the Earth, the universe, everything. From the dust we were formed and to the dust we will return, circle, circle, circle. Love is a circle too. Someone loves you and you love them right back and they love you back again. Isn't that a lovely circle? Some love circles however, aren't so lovely.

I know better than anyone that loving someone who doesn't love you back has to be the absolute worst emotional pain a person can feel. I know there are times where I've had my heart broken up so bad that it physically hurt. It was such a hopeless feeling and I knew that all the crying and pleading in the world wouldn't do a damn thing to help.

While were so deep in our own pains we never take the time to think of the pain that the one's who hurt us must be in. Surely, you don't believe that he is not in pain as well. Hurting people hurt people. As we pine over the ones we love so hopelessly we never take the time to ponder about the ones whom they pine over.

Yesterday I had the rare chance to have a real conversation with someone I used to be involved with. This was someone who I was ready to give my heart to but he wasn't ready to accept it. I wanted to be with him so badly, but he seemed to never have time for me. He'd be in my thoughts all the time but I wasn't in his. I could never say that he was vindictive about it, he never meant to hurt me, but at the time I guess he just wasn't that into me and that's not a crime, right? He was telling me about his feelings for his ex and how it's just off again, on again and how his ex never has time for him and that they're on the verge of getting back together but nothing's really changing and how it hurts him so.

As he was talking it occurred to me. While I was running after him he was running after someone else, no wonder he never had any time for me. While I sat at home alone at nights wondering how he could ever think someone could love him better than I could, this is the man he thought that could. Many of the things he said about his ex were statements right from my own lips about him. To hear them repeated to me with the same anguish and pain behind them was peculiar, odd, weird, yet comforting and life affirming, it was almost funny. Like, damn, I guess I'm not crazy.

Then I got to thinking about those who pine over me. While I was chasing him I could think of five other guys who were chasing me. Calling me, texting me, bothering me. I mean, sure they were there and I could have them if I wanted them but I didn't want them and I guess that's the same way he felt about me. I wanted him and he wanted his ex and the ex could quite possibly want something or someone else, who wants someone else, who wants someone else, who wants someone else and were all chasing each other around in a circle like idiots, wanting what we can't have. That's why I said in my "ADAM'S RELATIONSHIP THEORY" post a few months back that it's never good to even start running after a man. 'Cuz if you have to catch him, that's only because he's out tryna catch somebody else, so don't waste your time. If he really wants you he'll make himself available.

While I was putting him on this pedestal I never even realized that he could be doing the same thing for someone else. Wow. That's deep. How the mighty have fallen. That was such a revelation for me. All I know is that I'm not tryna get caught up in that circle again.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Player Not the Game" feat. Carl Thomas
by Lil' Mo
from the album "Based On A True Story"
==========

I told y'all on back on January 7th that I was not playing about going through with my New Year's Resolutions this year. I proclaimed 2008 "The Year Of Business" for me and I'm getting my business straight. To keep tabs on myself and give myself a new layer of accountablilty I would announce all of the goals I met (and didn't meet) at the end of each month. Okay, here we go:

In January, I:
- Ordered and received my passport. Now I'm officially a citizen of the world.
- Started writing my book.
- Started looking for a venue to throw my 25th birthday party.

In January, I did not:
- Start saving $100 every two weeks out of my paycheck like I said.
- Start paying off my student loans.

Money's always been an issue for me. i like to spend it and not save it. I'm workin on it, okay?

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Life Will Pass You By"
by Faith Evans
from the album "Keep The Faith"
==========

At this stage of the game as the primary candidates are still being decided across the country, in the black, gay, and especially in the black and gay communities it's basically a toss up between Democratic Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, as all three communities generally vote Democrat. And things are starting to get ugly. Besides the snubbery and bickering between the candidates themselves through the media, their supporters, everyday folks like you and me are even battling it out. I had a bitch go off on me the other day on The Janet Jackson Message Board because he supported one and I supported the other. At the end of the day, let's not forget, oh lovely Democrats that Clinton and Obama are ultimately on the same team and may even end up on the same ticket together before this is all over. And besides all of the Democrat drama, there are even a few black gay republicans out there (to each his own chile, to each his own...) let's not forget them, even though in many ways they've already forgotten themselves, but that's my opinion and today's blog post is supposed to be impartial. Either way, this week's poll should be interesting.

I would tell you who I'm voting for, but then I would have to explain why and on top of that, I mean, I watch the news, I read, but I'm still not the most political guy in the world anyway, I just like who I like. So then some bitch gon' wanna come and start some long, boring-ass political argument with me, then I'd ignore the bitch and then she'd try to post some slick shit and then I'd reply back and then it'd become this reading match and I'd have to shut the bitch down and it'd just be this whole big thing and I'd just rather not, okay? It's not even 10 am yet. Just rest assured that Adam is voting for somebody in the primary in February and in the real deal in November.

As things stand today, who's gonna get your vote in this year's US Presidential Election? Primary results, country of residence, and age notwithstanding, pick one of the nine major Democrat or Republican candidates running.

In the comments section let us know why you picked who you picked and/or your thoughts on the election. Along with you thoughts on the election, after you vote give me your thoughts on the video below. I've never posted an outside YouTube video on my blog before, but I thought that this one was quite interesting. What are your thoughts?

Hopefully, all of my lovely American readers of voting age this poll is not the only election you vote in. If you are an American citizen, over the age of 18 you can register to vote for real here.

Every week I will update the blog with a new poll question.
Click here to check out all the previous Adam's Web Log Polls.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"I Nominate You"
by Fantasia
from the album "Fantasia"
==========

==========
Pictures:
- Blogger, Jared Shuler & Me
- Me & TV Producer, Author, Blogger, Pastor Kevin E. Taylor
- Blogger/Journalist, Steven Emmanuel aka "Queer Kid Of Color"
- Ray, star of BET's "College Hill" and "Christopher Street TV" & Me
==========

This past Saturday I attended the Derrick L. Briggs topic discussion: "Hate Me Now: Why Gay Men Dislike Eachother", Lord knows I know a little something about that. But contrary to the title all I felt was love in the room from all who attended. I even got a chance to get a few pics with a couple of my fellow bloggers as well. All of this making me even more excited for Blogtopia in April.

If you've never been to a Derrick L. Briggs topic discussion it's quite the experience. They're held monthly, usually here in New York and deal with a variety of subjects that affect gay men, but all are welcome. Bring your business cards 'cuz they're a great place to network and I love to network. You never know who you'll meet.

For more info about attending an upcoming Derrick L. Briggs discussion drop an email to info@derricklbriggs.com.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Something To Talk About"
by Bonnie Raitt
from the album "The Best Of Bonnie Raitt"
==========

==========
A picture of Me (giving you much red eye) and DJ Baker of Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show outside Cosi restaurant a few months back.
==========

This past Friday DJ DJ Baker of Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show aka "my brother from another mother" or just DJ as I call him stopped by for a taping of Me and Nathan "Seven" Scott's new YouTube series, "Adam."

I turned the tables on the controversial internet radio show host and asked him the questions and he in turn interviewed me. The video of that will air on "Adam." sometime in February but the audio of the whole thing is up now on the radio show's website in celebration of DJ's week long 300th show celebration this week.

The thing I love most about DJ and what he's doing is that he has really given up and coming people in the LGBT community a place to display our talents that is much more insightful and tailored to us than the mainstream media. A lot of us in the community owe a good portion of our exposure, good and bad (lol) to DJ.

If you've never heard one of DJ's shows it's quite the experience. Be sure to check it out.

Congratulations on your 300th show DJ!

Click here to hear the interview

Click here to hear my first appearance on the show.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Mr. Radio"
by Chrisette Michele
from the album "I Am"
==========

Today, January 28th, 2008 is my half birthday, I'm 24 and one-half years old today. I've always seen 25 as my age to really have my shit together, well not necessarily all together, 30's the age for that. But I definitely wanted to be steadily moving in the right direction, knowing exactly what it is I wanna do with my life and making the provisions for it. With the milestone coming in less than six months today is most certainly a day of reflection.

All in all I'm happy. I'm blogging, I'm writing my book, I'm writing for a magazine, I have a decent, but still temporary-ish job. Yes, even though I've been at my current job almost two years now I still call it temporary. It's my job (really their job actually), it pays my bills, but it's not my passion and as good as it can be at times I'm not gonna grow old being a hotel concierge. This I declare unto you today is my last job. Whatever I do after this whether it be in the next six minutes, six days, six hours, or six months, or whenever I will be doing for myself and not to punch anybody's clock. Eff outta here...

From the time I was 16 and I basically got kicked out of my first high school due to apathy my life has been all over the place. Hating school, knowing I was gay and not knowing how to deal with it, self confidence issues, trying to be an adult, trying not to be a scandalous whore, working terrible jobs, getting my own apartment, boyfriends, boyfriends, boyfriends, it's all been crazy. Last year though everything's been calming down and coming together and finally my passion, writing, has come forth. What the hell took ya so long, bitch?

I feel good and I'm as excited as a kid at Christmastime to see what the next six months are gonna bring. Thank you Jesus for this, yet another six months of life.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Just Fine"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
==========

==========
Pictures:
- Keke Wyatt & Me lookin' crazy.
- Fellow blogger Derrick L. Briggs & Me patiently waiting for Keke.
==========

When I first got wind of Keke Wyatt appearing at SOB's I was excited. The embattled, bi-racial R&B songstress has always been one of my favorite unsung singers. We all first heard her duet on R&B artist Avant's R&B hit "My First Love" back in 2001. Her first solo track was her remake of the Patti Labelle classic "If Only You Knew" on the "How Two Can Play That Game Movie Soundtrack". It was the absolute best remake of a song I'd ever heard, Keke tore that song apart! Her subsequent debut album, "Soul Sista" (MCA Records) is still one of my favorite R&B albums.

Coming to her show, I didn't know what to expect. Looking at the advertising for it there was much promotion for her upcoming project for TVT Records project "Ghetto Rose". Although I wanted to hear the new material I was hoping that she would do songs from "...Sista" like "Nothing In This World", "Don't Take Your Love Away", "I Don't Wanna" and "If Only You Knew".

When we arrived at SOB's we couldn't help but notice how scant the crowd was. I chalked it up to the fact that they couldn't have advertised this event well. The first I heard of it was when I saw Teedra Moses there the week before (read that blog post with video footage here). After waiting and waiting and waiting for Keke to show up, as she was almost two hours late, the already thin crowd started to thin even more. Right as we were about to leave they finally called her up, the backing track for "My First Love" started, no Keke. I knew something was wrong.

Eventually Keke came out. She did her verse of "My First Love", tore down "If Only You Knew" and performed a rather odd rendition stop and start rendition of "Nothing In This World" singing hers and Avant's parts and then that was it. We waited two hours for a ten minute performance. She sounded amazing, especially on "If Only You Knew" but still that was it, not even a song from the new album. The whole thing was so odd, her aura, her whole presence so peculiar. We managed to catch her and snap a few pictures though.

I have uploaded all three, performances on the A. Benjamin Irby YouTube Channel for your viewing enjoyment. Her great performance of "If Only You Knew" I have embedded here. Check out the rest on the channel.

There are seven more videos from this concert and even more live concert footage of Rihanna, Amerie, Teedra Moses, Vivian Green, and more on the A. Benjamin Irby YouTube Channel.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"If Only You Knew"
by Keke Wyatt
from the album "Soul Sista"
==========

PS: OMG! I just realized I wore that same plaid shirt to Trent Jackson's book signing event back in November. Dammit! See that's what sucks about getting photographed in shit. You can't wear the shit to another event again. I wouldn't normally do that anyway, but in this case I forgot. Oh well.

In the coming weeks you'll start to see more of these around. This is Blogtopia, a blogger networking event that's the brainchild of Derrick L. Briggs in association with moi. More details to come, but I can tell you that we are currently reaching out to bloggers asking for their participation. And of course we need you the readers to come out as well. After all, what is a blog without the readers?

More and more blogs are becoming a part of our everyday reading and thus our everyday lives. Blogtopia is a chance to put faces to those words, thoughts and opinions we view each day, a day to take blogs away the computer screen and have them come to life right before our eyes. It will also be a chance for everyone in the community to come out and mix and mingle, so bring your business cards.

If you are a blogger who will be in the New York area this April and are interested in possibly participating in Blogtopia contact me.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"No One Else (remix)" feat. Foxy Brown, Lil' Kim, and Da Brat
by Total
from the album "Total"
==========

**Jill Scott "Hate On Me" horns blaring**

The nursery at Hater General Hospital was jumping yesterday as even more haters were born, some of which I will address here today. I'm glad that yesterday's blog post touched so many of you, some like a warm caress across shoulders tired from the undue stress that haters can bring and others a smack in the ass welcoming you as yet another hater to my world.

The underlying theme to this post is that "a guilty conscience has no accuser." Yet, another wise old saying that I have adopted as an "Adam-ism." My post yesterday I felt was pretty general. It seems as though people took it upon themselves to call themselves haters. Some people seemed to have such a problem with my post about haters. Dost thou protest too much?

Let's start with Mr. Anthony Anderson. I really didn't want to go so deeply into this whole thing so soon but you've left me no choice. I actually taped a segment with Nathan that's scheduled to air in a few weeks clearing this whole thing up and it's still gonna air, just for kicks, but your comments have forced me to address this today.

Oh, Mr Anderson you're so vain, you thought my whole blog post was about you. Actually it wasn't, it was pretty general with only a clause or two directed at you. But upon reading yesterday's blog post your guilt ate at you so much that you were the first to respond to it, less than one hour after it was posted forty-five minutes to be exact. You go off into this whole tangent about having an interview you did with me not being put in your alleged magazine and how you went and announced that on Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show, which is actually the first I'd heard of this news (as you never contacted me regarding printing that interview and instead chose to clog my MySpace mailbox for more personal reasons *wink, wink*). Then you went on to profusely apologize for going about things the way you did. And yes you were wrong, not just wrong, but unprofessional, triflin', and tired. But even that was just a smoke screen. Note, the word "magazine" appeared nowhere in yesterday's blog post.

Now you know good and damn well that the magazine thing not the reason I'm upset with you. You don't have to put me in your alleged magazine. That's your alleged magazine, you play with it however you like. I'd be humanly impossible for a person to care less than I do about being in your alleged magazine, especially one that I'd never heard of prior to meeting you and one that I still have yet to see. You didn't even have a copy to show me and DJ when you met us (problems at the printer's perhaps?). You told me yourself that you ran a "straight" magazine at which I asked you why you'd even want to do an interview with my unabashedly gay black ass who writes about gay sex for a quote-unquote "straight" alleged magazine?

When you met me you told me that you were an admirer of my work so much so that you went on to pull quotes straight from my blog during our conversation at Westway Diner that night. DJ, host of Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show was there as well, he was the one you really came to interview. You just decided to throw me in after we met (how convenient?) Rodney you remember? You were there, you even wrote a blog post about it. So you knew exactly who I was and what I was about, so don't hand me that shit about advertisers either. Aren't you the CEO of this phantom publication? You know exactly who your alleged advertisers are and what they expect. You knew good and well that your "interview" was for nobody's magazine. It was a tired segue into asking me out on a date and you did in the middle of the so-called interview. "Would you like to go out on a date with me? is not a proper interview question. And I very nicely declined, attempting to change the subject and avoid your advances, trying to keep things on a business level. But you just couldn't take the hint could you. You went on to pursue me via MySpace (and I have the messages to prove it, screenshots anyone?) and I kept avoiding the advances. I even sent you a message regarding the interview which I never even expected to be in your alleged magazine but you never had anything to say about that. Whatever.

What made me upset with you was the fact that out of what must have been out of your anger at being rejected by me that you would go on Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show and make comments about me regarding "body counts" and things when clearly none of that was discussed when you were tryna get with me. It's so funny how after you turn somebody down you all of a sudden become a ho. I never gave a fuck about your magazine, it was never that serious! What I wanna know is why was any of that on the radio necessary? What have I ever done to you? Why else would you have done what you did except for the fact that I wouldn't date you? And then throwing the whole magazine thing in there just for spite, I mean really? Why else did you deem it necessary to announce to the world, on the radio show of a man who I consider like a big brother to me, that I wouldn't appear in your alleged magazine, totally unbeknownst to me, like I wasn't gon' find out and light fire under that ass. You interviewed me in November for the so-called holiday issue. After a while with no correspondence I knew that that wasn't gonna come to fruition and what the interview was really all about. I mean, what holiday you celebrating, Groundhog Day? Face it. You were wrong, you were bitter and you were tired and I don't know what in the hell got into you but you played yourself. Case closed.

Remember what I said yesterday about the haters:

"You're gonna have so many things to hate on me for this year that there won't be enough hours in the day. You're gonna have to hire assistant haters to help you keep tabs on hating on me."

Well, the peripheral hate has started already. Mr Anderson must have put wanted ads up on Monster and CareerBuilder real quick last night because he's already got his first assistant. Someone by the name of "Clientel" left a long, draining-ass comment, defending Mr. Anderson rather passionately. You can read the full comment attached to yesterday's post. Here I'm just gonna pick select quotes from it. I'll be gentle with Clientel, given her obvious ignorance of the full situation.

"Wow Adam, you really missed the mark."

Actually, no, you've missed the mark and I'm about to tell you why.

"Maybe you could look at the situation at [the alleged] Magazine as a chance to reflect on the image you want to portray. If some were offended by some of your postings it stands to reason that others may be also. If you intend have any kind of career that relies on the public you have to realize that the way you conduct yourself and the things you say carry consequences."

I'm fully aware of the image I portray and it's so-called "consequences" and I could give two green shits about who the fuck I offend. I am who I am and that's why you read my blog. I've said this numerous times before, I even wrote a blog post about it entitled "WHY I DO WHAT I DO/THE REASON BEHIND THIS BLOG...". I'm fully aware that some people are gonna be put off by things I say here and to them I say, DON"T FUCKIN' COME HERE! If you have a job, a magazine, a club, a whatever that thinks that I'm to racy to be a part of it then I don't wanna be a part of it.

Also, Clientel real magazines that people can touch and feel because they're printed regularly like "People", "Us", "Vibe", "Clik" even, have these things called research departments where people are paid to find out about prospective interviewees before the first sentence of an interview is even uttered. If I was so racy I should have never gotten an interview in the first place. And what do you think he interviewed me about, terra-cotta gardening? He obviously had to have read my blog before doing an interview, DUH! Anyway, Mr. Anderson, frequents my blog and knew exactly what I was about and who I was before he met me. He had already left comments here and he was a MySpace friend of mine. I didn't ask him to interview me, he asked me. The nitty gritty is that that lady was just mad at me because I refused to give him a date. Period.

"All your little friends are leaving comments as if this Anderson cat is a hater trying to knock you off your throne."

That's right! And when you come to my throne be sure to kiss my emerald ring.

"I don't know you or this Anderson cat. I heard him on the Doo Dirty Show and I heard his comments about you and they didn't come across as hate but I've never met him you did so I really don't know."

Obviously. Well, now you do.

And then totally on some other shit another person by the name of Da'Quan comes:

"I'm confused"

Knowing is half the battle.

"Let's keep it real though, you are doing something that anybody can do. A blog is simple to create, nowadays it's comparable to creating an email address."

Yes, everyone can have a blog but not everyone is a blogger. A person with a blog can put any old shit on a web page and it will sit there infinitely and needlessly, ignored in the vast depths of cyberspace. But a blogger can post something as simple as my blog post yesterday and have people across the world reading and talking about it. So much so that even you had to take the time to comment.

"A book, let me guess, you are going to talk about being Gay and your struggles. Damn I gave you a whole synopsis of your book and you aren't finished writing it."

Actually no, that's not what my book is about, but nice try though and I'm so glad to see that you are keeping such close tabs on me as I didn't even mention anything about me writing a book in yesterday's blog post either. It's great to know you've been reading.

"I think you might call my comment HATING...and it's not. It's called an OPINION. It's like when you disagree with something somebody else is doing (which you are entitled to do) you are called a HATER."

Actually I don't think that overall your comment was hateful but the lines about my blogging being "something that anybody can do" and the book thing, those were reads. They were cute though and may have done damage to someone else, but if you wanna get me you'll have to come a little harder next time. So keep on coming, I know you will.

I'm starting to think that maybe "haters" is the wrong word to use for certain people "biggest fans" is sounding way more appropriate.

Deuces.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Hate On Me"
by Jill Scott
from the album "The Real Thing: Words And Sounds Vol. 3"
==========

They say that if everybody likes you then you're obviously not doing something right and up until now I thought that I was pretty well liked. I'd received nothing but encouragement and praise for my blog and my writing endeavors. I mean, yeah, there'd be a hateful jab here and there, usually by some no name loser veiling herself with the anonymity of the internet, but I never really counted that shit. I figure that if you aren't woman enough to stand behind and claim your own words, obviously for fear of me shutting your hatin' ass, all-up-on-my-dick-ass down, then everything you said isn't worth a hill of shit anyway. Then there are the ones who try to hurl insults under the flimsy guise of pseudo, half-assed, so-called advice. I mean really, there's constructive criticism and then there's just a plain ol' messy ass read. A read is a read no matter what book cover you put it in girl.

But nowadays the onslaught is much more fierce than it used to be. Bitches are signing their names to straight up unabashedly hateful shit, letting be known openly that they hate me. All up on radio shows and message boards and shit. I'm like damn, what did I ever do to you?

I just realized though that it's not about me ever doing anything to anyone, it never was. Jealousy is a motherfucker. The sight of my success stirs up the inadequacies of others. Maybe they wanted to start a blog, or get their picture taken, or build a website, or write a book, or even fuck my boyfriend, or have me fuck them, even? Seeing someone innocently do the thing that they wanted to do or possess the thing they wanted to possess begins to eat away at their psyche, making them miserable. The thoughts of disappointment in, disgust with and anger at themselves go round and round in circles, eating at their sanity, viciously, unrelenting, until they can no longer be contained, the anguish unbearable. In order for that person to find relief and not go totally mad, those toxic thoughts must be directed at someone, something, anything outside themselves, a scapegoat. Me.

Is it my fault that you didn't do what you wanted to do? No. Is it my fault that you don't look the way you want to look? No. Am I stopping you from achieving your dreams? No. Do I care one way or another? No. All of the energy being used to hate on me would be much better spent in pursuit of your own passion. There's enough room for everyone. But instead of putting the work in, instead of putting yourself out there and risking failure and ridicule, instead of seizing the day and taking the plunge, it's much easier to be a coward and hide out in the cocoon of your own mediocrity and hate on my work. And so, a hater is born and with a hard smack on the ass I welcome you to my world.

I used to question the hate, reconcile with it, try to understand it. Why don't they like me? I'm such a nice guy, I want the best for everyone. But there is no reconciliation with madness. I've learned to let their unwarranted opposition be the fuel that keeps me going. When I want to give up, not work as hard, or become lackadaisical or complacent I think about all the haters I will then disappoint. People, there are people out there who live to hate on us so if we stop succeeding they'll have nothing to live for, they'll eventually die off and we wouldn't want to have their blood on our hands would we?

So today I want to encourage everyone to smile in the face of opposition. Go the extra mile, do that extra push up, do that extra crunch, type that extra paragraph, be all that you can be. And to every hater, this year I'ma give you the ride of your life. You're gonna have so many things to hate on me for this year that there won't be enough hours in the day. You're gonna have to hire assistant haters to help you keep tabs on hating on me. I hope you're ready.

Deuces.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Fighter"
by Christina Aguilera
from the album "Stripped"
and
"Keep The Faith"
by Faith Evans
from the album "Keep The Faith"
==========

PS: Pass me my bobby pin...

==========
- Actor Heath Ledger
- Official poster for the film "Brokeback Mountain"
==========

Heath Ledger, the Australian born actor and star of the 2005, Oscar winning film "Brokeback Mountain" arguably the biggest, most important and critically acclaimed gay themed movie of all time has been found dead in his New York apartment earlier today.

The film is a touching story about a romance between two cowboys over a span of decades set in the Western United States. Ledger played Ennis Del Mar, a ruggedly handsome, yet troubled man who throughout the film had trouble dealing with his feelings for Jack Twist (played by Jake Gyllenhaal), a fellow sheepherder whom he falls in love with after spending a summer together working in the mountains of Wyoming.

In real life Ledger was engaged to actress Michelle Willams who he met wile filming "Brokeback...", she played his wife Alma in the movie. They had a daughter together, Matilda Rose and lived in my hometown of Brooklyn, New York before they split in the summer of 2007.

The news of his death today was very sudden and truly unexpected. The impact of "Brokeback Mountain" on the gay community and society at large will never be forgotten. He will be greatly missed.

Taken from the New York Times' City Room Blog:

January 22, 2008,  4:42 pm

Actor Heath Ledger Is Found Dead

By Sewell Chan

The actor Heath Ledger was found dead this afternoon in an apartment building at 421 Broome Street in SoHo, according to the New York City police. Mr. Ledger was 28.

At 3:31 p.m., a masseuse arrived at Apartment 5A in the building for an appointment with Mr. Ledger, the police said. The masseuse was let in to the home by a housekeeper, who then knocked on the door of Mr. Ledger’s bedroom. When no one answered, the housekeeper and the masseuse opened the bedroom and found Mr. Ledger unconscious. They shook him, but he did not respond. They immediately called the authorities. The police said they did not suspect foul play and said they found pills near body.

Mr. Ledger, a native of Perth, Australia, won acclaim for his role as a co-star in “Brokeback Mountain”, a 2005 film. The film, based on a short story by Annie Proulx about two cowboys who fall in love,  won critical acclaim. Reviewing the film in The New York Times, the critic Stephen Holden wrote, “Mr. Ledger magically and mysteriously disappears beneath the skin of his lean, sinewy character. It is a great screen performance, as good as the best of Marlon Brando and Sean Penn.”

Calls by The New York Times to Mara Buxbaum, a publicist for Mr. Ledger, and Steve Alexander, the actor’s agent, were not immediately returned this afternoon.

Thomas J. Lueck contributed reporting.

A few months ago at the taping of my first appearance on Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show I met a lesbian rap duo by the name of Kin (Hey girls!). While they were being interviewed one of them bragged that she was a "gold star" lesbian, that she had never been touched by the penis, the other concurred, lauding her compadre's sentiment. This was the first time I have ever heard this term before.

On January 1st I wrote a blog post about how I spent this past New Year's Eve. I wrote about how I went to a party with a female stripper and how that was the first time I had ever seen a vagina before. Obviously I am also a "gold star" homo as well. Then I ran across a blog yeterday, Finally Seeing G, where he posed the question of whether his readers were "gold star" gays and lesbians. So I guess this "gold star" phenomenon is weeping the nation.

With homos sashaying, bopping, voguing, and duck-walking out of the closet earlier and earlier nowadays, many of us are skipping the whole awkward I-slept-with-women/men-just-to-prove-I was-still-a-man/woman phase. So my question to you my lovely readers is, how many of you are "gold star" homos and lezzies?

Give us your answer in the poll below:

*Penetration by or with genitalia, I don't count oral sex in this poll.

Every week I will update the blog with a new poll question.
Click here to check out all the previous Adam's Web Log Polls.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Like A Virgin"
by Madonna
from the album "Like A Virgin"
==========

I wouldn't call myself an expert on life, a life coach, or a guru or anything, I'm still living and learning, but I've fallen enough times and have seen enough to know what paths not to go down again, or ever for that matter. I've taken all of what I've learned from these experiences, the fallings, the getting back ups and the observations and have streamlined them into bite-sized sentences. Because these sentences come from my experiences I have deemed them my "Adam-isms", a list of things that I live by so much so that you will commonly hear me recite them in everyday conversation. I can't guarantee that my "Adam-isms" won't be anything that you haven't heard before, I mean, hey, there's nothing new under the sun, we all go through the same stuff over and over again, generation after generation, but what I can guarantee is that they'll have a flavor all my own. So here we go.

Adam-ism #1:
"A toned body is the best accessory. Who cares who you're wearing as long as you look good naked."
You can spend all the money in the world on Gucci, pucci, lucci, and ducci and be dressed to the nines in all the flyest (you like how I got all throwback with that) gear, but if you're not in shape and an in shape guy walks in the room, all he could be wearing is a Wrangler jean from K-Mart, okay maybe not a Wrangler jean, but a Gap jean and a Fruit Of The Loom t-shirt, from the pack, all the heads are still gonna turn his way. I'm not sure how that would translate for the straights, but we're gay and it is what it is. Even guys that aren't so good looking in the face score major points for having toned bodies (Like, have you see Dawg Pound USA? I'm beginning to think it's named that for a reason). We all know at least one guy that you know would get no play if it wasn't for his physique. And besides, being in shape makes the clothes that you have, no matter who they're made by, look even better. So kiddies, your most worthwhile fashion investment this season isn't found on the racks of your local neighborhood high-end retail establishment. A gym membership is an investment that will always bring forth the highest yields and never goes out of season.

Adam-ism #2:
"If he really wants you he'll show you. You can't do everything. It's all about effort."
This I know y'all have heard me say umpteen times and as of late I've finally started following my own advice. This is the backbone of the world famous ADAM'S RELATIONSHIP THEORY. Listen, if you're dating a guy and you find yourself doing all the calling, all the texting, all the emailing, if you're feeling neglected or cast aside, picked up and put down at his whim, if you feel like you're bothering him then you probably are. If this is the case, in the worlds of Greg Behrendt "he's just not that into you." I know it's hard to let go sometimes because he's so cute and the sex is so good and he pays you so much attention only when he knows you're about to dump his ass, and those times, though few and far between, feel like Heaven on a stick, uh huh, I been there, but you gotta let him go. He feels good to you but he's no good for you. Repeat that phrase "he's just not that into me" as many times as you have to until you realize that you deserve someone who's gonna put you as a priority.

I'm about to get on my soap box and keep this very real right now but, if a nigga wants to be with you he's gonna do whatever he's gotta do to make it work, he's gonna show interest, he's gonna call. Period. No excuses. Did you hear me? Bitch, I said NO EXCUSES! I've been on both sides of the coin so I know when I'm not really interested in somebody and just stringing them along until something I feel is better comes along, I'm not gonna make so much effort toward them. I'm not gonna pay them that much attention until I have nothing else better to do. Is this how you wanna be treated? No, of course not. So I'm Cher and this is "Moonstruck" **slap** SNAP OUT OF IT!

Adam-ism #3:
"If keeping a secret means keeping the peace then keep your mouth shut!"
I have learned that life is so much easier when you have mastered the art of shutting the fuck up. Every damn thing ain't for every damn body to know. Oh yes, it's in the Bible. God said don't eat that apple, it's from the tree of knowledge, I am God, I got you, there's certain things you don't need to know. Eve let the devil convince her to eat that apple, gave it to Adam and now we're all screwed up. I pride myself on being the person that secrets die with. I have so much dirt, beans, tea and secrets stored up inside on these homos people would literally gag if I decided to tip over. A mop, a broom, a vacuum cleaner, a damn shovel couldn't catch all I have. Even if I we're tempted to tell all that I know how much drama that would create and who needs that?

Ever since I was a child I was always that person who was the glue that held people together. Being the congenial person that I can be, I pretty much fit with just about anyone. While being friends with various types of people, the people that I'm friends with are often people that don't like each other and only have me in common. Many times hateful words are said back and forth to me from one friend about another friend and vice-versa. I have found that it's best for me to not be the carrier of those words and let their journey end with me. The last thing I want is for my name to be tangled up in some unnecessary, perfectly preventable mess. I learned that lesson in high school when I told a friend something that another friend said about them all in the name of being a good friend. I swore the friend I told to secrecy, an oath which she broke and the other friend found out. They worked things out while the whole shit blew up in may face with everyone being mad at me. You think I need that 15 year old, high school drama at 24? No, thank you.

Even in the case of other more serious secrets I've found another benefit in keeping my lips sealed. People trust you much easier, much more wholeheartedly and much faster when they know that you won't put their business in the street. On top of that, when you know how to keep your mouth shut people are more apt to tell you their secrets and you-didn't-hear-it-from-me gossip involving you. And who doesn't like being in the know, even if you cant do anything about it... right away.

I know it's hard to keep things inside, especially if it's about a friend. But what's done in darkness is gonna come to light anyway, so why do you have to be the catalyst? If it ain't life or death I've learned that it's all gonna blow over anyway. So why even bother with the drama?

Alrighty, so these are just three of my "Adam-isms" there are plenty more to come. I'd love to read some of your various "-isms". Be sure to leave a comment and share them with us.

Bonus Round:
While I can't call these next few statements true "Adam-isms" as I adopted them from other people, they ring just as true in my everyday life and speech.

"If a dog can bring a bone, he'll carry one."
This piece of southern fried, South Carolina wisdom comes from my mother and it means this. Watch out for that bitch (how appropriate) that always coming with something to say about somebody, always talking about somebody, 'cuz rest assured that that bitch is leaving with plenty to say about you.

"A hard penis has no conscience."
Now does it?

"Ain't nothin' open after 2 o'clock but legs."
I'd have to adjust the time here in New York City up until 4 o'clock because that's when most of the bars and clubs close but it's nonetheless true. I'm getting myself in trouble with this one, but I gotta keep it real. This one goes especially for the couples that live together. Your man ain't got no business being out anywhere but so late. I'm not tryna be a wisher of doom but, more than likely...

Like I said, share with us your "-isms" birthed and adopted with in the comments section.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Put You Up On Game" feat. Fantasia
by Aretha Franklin
from the album "Jewels In The Crown: Duets With The Queen Of Soul"
=========

==========
Teedra Moses & Me
==========

Thursday night I went to see Teedra Moses at SOB's. Because I'm a concierge and I had made arrangements beforehand I was comped and put in the VIP section. As much as my job can try my patience at least it has it's perks at times.

You may remember Teedra and her 2004 album "Complex Simplicity". It's two singles were "You'll Never Find (A Better Woman)" feat. Jadakiss and the sweet mid-tempo ballad "Be Your Girl". The album, while never receiving much mainstream attention has gone on to be a cult classic among R&B lovers and the black gay community.

The show was great, Teedra performed songs from her first album "Complex Simplicity" and did a few new joints from her upcoming album "The Young Lioness" as well. Sprinkled in between songs Teedra gave her brand of no holds barred talk about her music and the not so impending release of her next album. So when is the album coming out you ask? Teedra said from her own mouth at the show that she didn't even know. So I guess we shouldn't hold our breath, huh? In the meantime she does release mixtapes to satiate her fans and even her own love for music.

After the show I got a pic and some light convo with Teedra. She stayed and talked with everyone after the show which I thought was really cool. But enough of me talking. Enjoy the show. I have uploaded it on the A. Benjamin Irby YouTube Channel for your viewing enjoyment. Two of the performances, "Be Your Girl" and her interpolation of Kanye West's "Flashing Lights" I have embedded here. Check out the rest on the channel.

There are seven more videos from this concert and even more live concert footage of Rihanna, Amerie, Chrisette Michele, Vivian Green, and more on the A. Benjamin Irby YouTube Channel.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Be Your Girl"
by Teedra Moses
from the album "Complex Simplicity"
==========

Before we start, have you added me as a friend on MySpace?
If you have not add me:

My MySpace Page - Add Me
http://myspace.com/AdamBIrby

Lemme start by saying that I think that MySpace is a wonderful thing. It came along and made other sites like BlackPlanet (Remember BlackPlanet? Click here to look at my old ass BlackPlanet page with old pics that I haven't updated in 287 years.) MiGente, and AOL Hometown look like total crap. It's great, you can network and add friends and find people. So many people from elementary school, junior high, high school, and college have found me through there and it's great. It's caught on with celebrities as well and now they use it as a way to promote. It even caught on with corporate America and has really skyrocketed. So much so that it's now a part of American colloquial speech. "Yeah girl, MySpace it to me." "Hit me up on MySpace." "What's ya MySpace address?" "Yo, you got a MySpace?" Queen Latifah even mentions MySpace on an adlib in her cover of The Pointer Sisters song "How Long (Betcha Got A Chick On The Side)". It's everywhere.

As wonderful a thing MySpace is, some of you hoes take some of it's features a bit too far and a bit too close to heart. So much so that I have a few minor grievances. Case in point:

The Friends List, really the Top Friends List specifically:
Probably the most heralded feature of MySpace is it's friends list. Everybody likes to make new friends, right? On MySpace we can add our friends to our pages and show them off. On MySpace it seems as though everybody likes to have a lot of friends, I mean, we can't all be Tila Tequila but we make due. For me, as a blogger and a soon-to-be author I use MySpace to network and as a means of promotion. All of my MySpace friends get my bulletins that I send out from time to time, promoting the blog or whatever else I've been doing and I in turn will get their bulletins. The more eyes that see it the better. I'm trying to get my message out just as much as my MySpace friends are trying to get out theirs. Everybody's promoting something nowadays. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. We're all squirrels tryna get our daily nut. It's pretty cut and dry. I mean, it's not all serious business. There's a lot of fun to be had too, but none of it is anything to get all wound up about. No offense to any one of you my lovely MySpace compadres, but there is a difference between a MySpace friend and a real friend, right? A difference between someone who lives in a square on your MySpace page from someone who has actually met you or at least talked to you over the phone and actually knows you, right? At thwe end of the day it's only just a website, right? For me the MySpace friends list has never carried any real emotional weight, that is until last month sometime.

In the midst of my anger resulting from one of my numerous break-ups with Pubby I deleted him from MySpace friends list. It's not like he was a top friend or anything (I don't like putting people who I'm involved with as top friends on MySpace, that's how you keep folks out your business). I didn't have to see his face every time I looked at my page, but I was angry with him. Knowing that his face was in a little square, even if somewhere deep in the bowels of my friends list, still angered me. It angered me to the point where I felt the need to get rid of him, so I did. Once I calmed down and thought about it I realized how petty I was being (in regard to the MySpace thing). I mean, dude, it's just a website. Did it really matter whether he was still on my friends list? We're cool now so I called him yesterday and I re-added him as one of my friends.

Hmmm, if you thought I was bad you need to check out Winston, remember him? I met Winston on, you guessed it, MySpace. That's when I was on my sabbatical from BGC/A4A/M4N. Anyway, we saw each other about two or three times. We had sex. I should have known I was in for it when after I fucked him and we both ejaculated he laid on top of me, looked me dead in my eyes and said "I'm never gonna let you go." A few days later he notified me that I'm like the third person on his Top Friends List, as though this is supposed to mean something to me. I then had to step back and realize that many people use something as trivial as a MySpace Top Friends list, mere strands of html, javascript, and css to prioritize who is most important in their lives. For him it was like Jesus, Mama, Adam. Whoa, he was doing way too much, way too fast. This was only the tip of the iceberg that was his madness. I had to let him go.

There was also that time when my one of my best friends, Russell, who is on my Top Friends List, went off on me because he didn't feel that I placed him high enough. Damn, is it really that serious? Dude, it's only a fucking website!

The Display Name:
My MySpace Display name is simply: ABenjaminIrby.com, that's right, always promoting! I'm not the only one though. A lot of people put the names of their websites, or their first name, or their full name, tag name, street name, house name, a wise or not-so-wise saying, song lyric, etc. as their display name. It's the people who try to tell their whole damn life story or run a personal ad with their display names that puzzle me. These are real live, verbatim display names from MySpace, people who have hit me up. Imagine opening your email and reading a message that starts off with:

"i love 2 suck dick n get my ass fuck thugs only would like to be added to your MySpace friends list."

or

"~SILLY Ch!CkS I LiKE DiCk~ would like to be added to your MySpace friends list."

or

"YU MUST H4V3 LO5T UR MIND BYTCH Y3S HIS MINE  would like to be added to your MySpace friends list."

or my personal favorite

"FUCK A MYSPACE DISPLAY NAME ...................... would like to be added to your MySpace friends list."

While there's nothing wrong with their selections of a display name and I'm the last to judge anyone, my question to these people would be whether this is truly the way that they want to be represented. What's even worse is those people who put their boyfriend or girlfriend's name all in their display name and then have to change it once they break up. I'll touch on that further in the next section.

Pictures:
This is what it's really all about. The whole reason why you go to somebody's MySpace page in the first place, is to look at their damn pictures. Pictures are great, the more the better. My only problem regarding pictures on MySpace is with bitches who feel the need to put every Tom, Dick and Harry they meet in their main profile picture with them. I have a few female friends who engage in this behavior. It's actually a pretty vicious cycle. I watch from afar and see them replace guy, after guy, after guy on their pages. It's like you'll see them and the guy in the pic. Their display name will be something like "Tony-n-Cynthia 4 Eva" or "Tony's Wifee" or "Property Of Tony" or some corny shit like that. A few weeks later, homeboy is gone, Miss Cynthia is in a pic by herself, looking over it and the display name will read something like ":::I PhYnAleE rEaLyZe EyE dOn'T nEeD a mAn 2 b HaPpY:::" or "I'm Good By My Motha F@ckin Self!" or "CyN CyN GoN BeE AiGhT" or some shit like that (I fuckin' hate the LoWeR UpPeRcAsE shit!). My question is, girl, why bother?

The Bulletin Board:
Stop clogging the fuckin' bulletin board posting the same shit with a different title fifty-eleven times! We get it! If somebody wanna see the shit they gon' click on it! If they don't they ain't! I can't stand that shit!

Security Measures:
Yes, okay we all hate spam. How annoying is it to see a message or friend request from Cindy or Mindy or Becky, or some other slutty looking girl in a tired ploy to use your page to advertise porn, they even have slutty looking guys now too, Biff and Jiff an'nem. I know we all hate it and no one hates it more than me. MySpace has enacted security measures to fight against this, like having to use captcha technology in order to send messages or post comments and having those things moderated as well along with other verification methods. But some of us, in a ludicrous effort to maintain a sense of privacy and exclusivity on the internet (like that exists?) have taken some of these measures too far.

Saturday morning someone read the blog, saw my pictures and hit me up on MySpace regarding them and also mentioned their company. I noticed upon inspection of their page that the company that this person speaks of is a book distribution company and that's what their MySpace page was made for. I thought, hmmm, book distribution company, I'm presently writing a book, I need to holla back at this dude and see what his company is all about. So I attempt to reply to the message he sent me only to realize that I'm unable to because his settings will only allow him to accept messages from users he's saved as a friend. I found that to be a little strange. Still undaunted, I decided to add him as a friend. I couldn't do that either because I had to know his last name and give a drop of blood and the last four digits of my social or some shit in order for that to happen. What kinda fuckery is this? Now I was a little aggravated. No disrespect but, what kinda way is this to run a business? I could be Terry McMillan or Danielle Steel or Michael Crichton or somebody looking for a new distributor and I can't even get through, like what the fuck? On his page I noticed a phone number so I texted him explaining my interest in his company and letting him know that he was going overboard with the security measures. He called me back and I went on even further. Like, dude, It's just a MySpace page, not Fort Knox.

Okay, I feel much better having gotten those things off my chest. I'd love to hear your grievances and thoughts on MySpace. Leave a comment and let us know what you think and be sure to add me as a friend.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"How Long (Betcha Got A Chick On The Side)"
by Queen Latifah
from the album "Trav'lin' Light"
==========

This is Janet Jackson's official "Discipline" Album cover. I effing love it! It's so edgy, artsy and European. Wow Janet is really back. I really feel it this time y'all. I'm about to get excited. All of the promotion and the single and the buzz is really seeming to pop off with this record. MTV even played the "Feedback" video on TRL yesterday. The stars are really aligned for my girl Jan Jan this time. Thank God, 'cuz Lord knows my heart can't take another floppish record.

Janet Jackson's 10th album "Discipline"
featuring the smash single "Feedback" that's bumping in all the clubs right now.
In stores Tuesday, February 26th!

You are officially not gay anymore unless you buy this record!

For more info on the album and exclusive downloads click here.

What do y'all think of the cover?
Comment and let us know.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Feedback"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Discipline"
==========

I've been through a lot of drama as far as men are concerned. Just can't seem to find the right one, some are crazy, some are just mean, some just aren't right. I've had my heart broken, torn, shredded, frappeed, sauteed, sliced, diced, and julienned. As I've stated, lately I've been talking about putting my search for "the one" on the back burner and concentrating on my work, my new year's resolution list, this blog, my book, my writing in general, and all my other creative exploits. So instead of just running my mouth about it, as most people do, I've just been straight up doing it and whaddya know, the shit actually works.

Besides being incredibly productive, concentrating on my shit has really helped to boost my self-esteem and confidence in myself. It's when you see the the fruits of your labor spring forth that you can really appraise what your true worth is. I look back and it's like damn, look at what I have accomplished, I'm a bad motherfucker. Now I'm starting to see why people say all the good things they say about me. People can compliment the hell outta you and say that you're the best thing since sliced bread but until you believe it for yourself it's like they never even said it.

Needless to say I've been extremely busy lately. I've been going out to network and promote. I've been meeting all kinds of interesting people, some more interesting than you know... And simply because I've stopped looking for a boyfriend, dudes have been all over me lately. I'm trying my best not to sound conceited but it's true. Like, I'm cute... like, cute, cute. I'm really starting to realize that. I don't think I'm better than anybody else, I'm just a better me. Like, I look in the mirror and see a good looking guy who deserves the absolute best from anyone he sees fit to involve himself with. So even though there are dudes throwing themselves at me (sometimes) I'm just kinda like yeah, aight, I'm good. I've actually been turning (some) sex down lately. I just don't wanna do it if it's not right and I'm not really feeling the person like that. Because all I'm gonna do is fuck them and then have this open and needy person that I really didn't even want in the first place clinging to me like fuckin' velcro. To get my nutt off is just not worth that drama anymore.

So if you are out there in the dating rut that most of us are in, don't stress yourself about it. You're not alone. I know what you're going through and I'm cute! (lol) Instead of asking yourself why I ain't gotta man? What's wrong with me? Am I gonna end up alone? The real question you should be asking yourself is: Am I rich yet? Financially? Emotionally? Spiritually? If your answer to any of that question is no, then you got your priorities all screwed up, Lord knows mine were. Take this time you have to invest in yourself. If you write, write, if you draw, draw, if you sew, sew. Make your dreams come true. Once you've realized your full potential and become everything you want to be financially, emotionally, and spiritually, you won't have to look for a man, they'll be lining up waiting for you. Like really, who doesn't want a "rich" confident man?

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Gotta Work"
by Amerie
from the album "Because I Love It"
==========

==========
One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous you don't even have to give your name.
==========

I received an email from someone yesterday asking me for advice about visiting a bathhouse for the first time. Unfortunately I can't offer any of my brand of wisdom-packed, witty, first hand experience on the subject because I've never been to a bathhouse or even to it's younger, more urban equivalent, the sex party. Yes, there are a few things that even I haven't done, but that doesn't mean that I won't do my best to help this curious reader. Let's read his letter:

Dear Adam,
I have always wanted to but have never gone to a bathhouse. With your sexual experience and knowledge I was wondering if you could give me advice and tips, tell me what to expect and avoid and whether it's a good idea. Do you also have any bathhouse tales of your own to share on the blog?
- Bathhouse Virgin.

Well, like I said I've never been to a quote-unquote "bathhouse", that's mainly because I'm under 35. I've never heard anybody who wasn't pushing or has already knocked down and trampled over 40 use that term, the kids go to sex parties now (no offense to anyone over 40). And even though I don't have first hand experience with sex parties either, I've have been invited to my fair share though, that doesn't mean that I don't have slutty-ass, I mean, more sexually open, friends who have shared their tales with me. And if any of you, my other lovely readers have further advice to offer BHV please leave a comment. You can comment anonymously here, your email address will not be published.

This is my understanding, according to what I've been told, of how a sex party works. Sex parties are usually held in people's homes. The throwers of the parties are usually somewhat selective about the people they let in, selective in terms of body type, looking more favorably upon those who are quote-unquote "in shape". Usually the organizers scour websites such as BGC, A4A, & M4N to send invite messages only to those they see as visually appealing. There is usually a nominal fee charged for admission once you are deemed acceptable to be let in, like five, ten, maybe fifteen, twenty bucks tops. That little component of the evening is what makes the sex party illegal. It's not against the law to gather strangers in one's home solely for the purpose of sex, but it is illegal to charge them for it, no matter how nominal the fee. The illegality of the situation falls on the organizers of the sex party rather than the attendees though. So even though you as a sex party attendee are technically not breaking the law you're not totally out of the woods yet. We'll get back to that a little later.

Once you've paid the next thing you must do is get naked. At sex parties no one is allowed to be fully clothed. The most clothes allowed are usually shoes and underwear. You check your clothes and other belongings at the door. They are usually placed in plastic bags for you to pick up later. I wouldn't recommend that you bring anything of high importance with you. You should leave your wallet and credit cards at home. The most that should be with you at a sex party is a necessary bit of cash, and an identification card. Lube and condoms are always provided, their use is strongly encouraged and the better sex parties even provide drinks and snacks.

Now that you're all horny and naked it's time to let yourself loose on the crowd. Sex parties are usually pretty dim so don't expect to find Mr. Gorgeous there. If you've been to a club you should know pretty well how feelings can change for someone once the lights come up. At a sex party, the lights never come up. Hey, it all feels the same in the dark anyway so I guess you should just enjoy it for what it is. I wouldn't expect to find Mr. Right there either as personality is not paramount there.

My major questions to my sex party attending friends involved sexual etiquette. I'll break these down:

How is sexual contact initiated?
Just like with anything else the eyes have it. You scan the room, lock eyes with someone and usually it goes from there.

Are people there overly aggressive? Should one fear being manhandled or raped?
Everyone I've asked has told me no and that it's pretty much a laid back environment. I guess it would be, it's a damn sex party. If one dude says no you're pretty much bound to find one to say yes, right? I talked with a guy, a white guy I used to work with, who ran a sex party out of his house and he told me that during the course of his parties usually a group of the patrons break out singing Broadway show toons.

How do you know who tops and who bottoms?
I've been told that it's usually pretty apparent, at least without actually speaking, by the type of underwear the guy is wearing. Bottoms usually wear more form fitting underwear like boxer briefs, tighty whities, and those lycra, stretchy, H&M, 2Xist things while tops usually wear boxers. I've also been told that a top will usually pat the ass of the guy he's interested in while a bott