"On the kaleidoscope of love, people go 'round and 'round in circles.
Falling in love and feeling pain, but it's the player, not the game..."
-Lil' Mo
from the song "Player Not The Game"
It's all just a big motherfuckin' circle, life, the Earth, the universe, everything. From the dust we were formed and to the dust we will return, circle, circle, circle. Love is a circle too. Someone loves you and you love them right back and they love you back again. Isn't that a lovely circle? Some love circles however, aren't so lovely.
I know better than anyone that loving someone who doesn't love you back has to be the absolute worst emotional pain a person can feel. I know there are times where I've had my heart broken up so bad that it physically hurt. It was such a hopeless feeling and I knew that all the crying and pleading in the world wouldn't do a damn thing to help.
While were so deep in our own pains we never take the time to think of the pain that the one's who hurt us must be in. Surely, you don't believe that he is not in pain as well. Hurting people hurt people. As we pine over the ones we love so hopelessly we never take the time to ponder about the ones whom they pine over.
Yesterday I had the rare chance to have a real conversation with someone I used to be involved with. This was someone who I was ready to give my heart to but he wasn't ready to accept it. I wanted to be with him so badly, but he seemed to never have time for me. He'd be in my thoughts all the time but I wasn't in his. I could never say that he was vindictive about it, he never meant to hurt me, but at the time I guess he just wasn't that into me and that's not a crime, right? He was telling me about his feelings for his ex and how it's just off again, on again and how his ex never has time for him and that they're on the verge of getting back together but nothing's really changing and how it hurts him so.
As he was talking it occurred to me. While I was running after him he was running after someone else, no wonder he never had any time for me. While I sat at home alone at nights wondering how he could ever think someone could love him better than I could, this is the man he thought that could. Many of the things he said about his ex were statements right from my own lips about him. To hear them repeated to me with the same anguish and pain behind them was peculiar, odd, weird, yet comforting and life affirming, it was almost funny. Like, damn, I guess I'm not crazy.
Then I got to thinking about those who pine over me. While I was chasing him I could think of five other guys who were chasing me. Calling me, texting me, bothering me. I mean, sure they were there and I could have them if I wanted them but I didn't want them and I guess that's the same way he felt about me. I wanted him and he wanted his ex and the ex could quite possibly want something or someone else, who wants someone else, who wants someone else, who wants someone else and were all chasing each other around in a circle like idiots, wanting what we can't have. That's why I said in my "ADAM'S RELATIONSHIP THEORY" post a few months back that it's never good to even start running after a man. 'Cuz if you have to catch him, that's only because he's out tryna catch somebody else, so don't waste your time. If he really wants you he'll make himself available.
While I was putting him on this pedestal I never even realized that he could be doing the same thing for someone else. Wow. That's deep. How the mighty have fallen. That was such a revelation for me. All I know is that I'm not tryna get caught up in that circle again.
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Playing In The Background...
"Player Not the Game" feat. Carl Thomas
by Lil' Mo
from the album "Based On A True Story"
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YES BIG BROTHA AL-MIGH-TY! Your words today penetrated deep through my weave(smile), dry scalp and brain. All they way to my psyche, honey! Took me back to a place and time when I to, ran with the "circle." Many people just don't understand what it feels to have emotional pain that runs so deep that it physically hurts you. I've been there before, so I can shed a tear and laugh all at the same time. The crazy thing is, when we look back on most of those situations we feel almost appaulled at how much time and effort was invested into nothing. Luckily for many of us, life goes on.
so yes...I'm glad ur eyes were opened. its never any good chasing somone...a little playful chase is okay. but, anything more than that is a complete fool. like madea says, if he can't see what he has then u have to learn how to let him go. just keep working on who ABI is and your equal yoke will come chiming along before u know it.
This is sooo true! We'll jump through rings of fire trying to get with someone that doesn't want to be bother with us. Meanwhile, we have someone pulling at our coattails that we don't want to be bothered with.
Like you said, if someone's interested they'll make sure they have time for you. If they act like they don't want to be bothered then do just that, don't bother them.
For me...this is more a lesson of how we should be treating each other. We become so upset when the person we want is ignoring us, and throwing shade, while at the very same time we are doing that to someone we aren't interested in.
At the end of the day, I would want someone to flat out tell me that I don't have a chance, it saves us from all the chasing. And in turn...I promise to do the same...
JB
Adam,
You hit it right on the spot. Sometimes it's that little hope that keeps us right in that circle. Hoping that one day he will change his mind, a trap for another disappointment.
From since I read your "ADAM'S RELATIONSHIP THEORY" I deleted some telephone numbers from my cell/home phone. If these individuals are some what interested they would call. Surprisingly they never really call unless some favor is needed, which I have no problem doing depending on the favor of course. The lord has been blessing me for all my good doing's from the heart. But its a good feeling to move on with my life.
This also works for the people who we so call friends. Lately I found myself calling my friends all over the world and they are forever busy. So I just stopped calling and made sure that I occupied myself with the things that need to accomplish in life.
And for the people that are trying to get at me, I man up and let them know from the start that I'm not interested. Getting straight to the point is the best solution right now. So lets keep it moving!
All I can say is WOW!!! You always find something to write about that gets me to thinking.