No More Pity F*cking In 2008! aka Do All The Freaks Come Out Online...

I'm single, and I get lonely sometimes. Lately I've been too busy to notice, but sometimes at night when I'm in bed alone and horny it creeps up on me. Those are the times when I could call an old standby jumpoff or go online and try to score something real quick, but what's that really gonna do? The person will come and I'll fuck them, knowing good and damn well I don't want them, don't like them, and probably wouldn't claim their ass in the street, but I know that  because the person likes me that will let me have my nasty way with them whenever I feel like it. Pity sex, we've all done it. Deep down inside, I know that shit is wrong, so I've refrained. I promised myself, no more pity fucking in 2008. I will not stick my dick inside anyone who I know good and damn well I would never want to see again.

Speaking of single and lonely, I've been back online, back on the dating sites, you know BGC, A4A, M4N. Well, I should say that my account's been online because I haven't physically had the time to log in in a minute. Yesterday I had a whole bunch of work to catch up on on my computer and I decided to leave the sites on the background, checking periodically to see if I got hit up. Ya know, hey, why the hell not? If I'm gonna be stuck working hard on the computer all day I may as well try to see if I could have some company over for when I decide to take a break. There's gotta be another lonely, good-looking, normal, hardworking soul like me out there, right?

Hmmm, well, thankfully I did manage to get a lot of work done, because after being signed on to the sites, running in the background for ten hours, nothing. Absolutely, nothing. Oh, it's not that I didn't get hit up, oh no, it's not that, it's just who I got hit up by that was the problem, same ol', same ol'. I can separate them into their different types:

The ones I'm not attracted to:
Most people who hit me up fall into this category. I'm picky, what can I say? I mean, is what it is, I don't hit them back. That's the unwritten rule of internet dating. If someone hits you up and you're not feeling them, you don't hit them back. No hard feelings. But then there's the people that I'm not attracted to that after I don't hit them back don't seem to get the point and continue to send me messages. Like, what's the point of that?

The creepy white men:
No offense to white men at all, and I'm sure there are many normal white males online out there looking for affection, love you guys, but I'm just being real here. The white men that hit me up online 99.999999% of the time fall into one or both of these two categories. They are either the old ones who hit me up looking to pay for sex, you know the ones who send you messages that say things like "How are you thi$ evening?" and shit like that, like ewwww, how disgusting and creepy is that? Then there are the ones that only get off on my being black and quote-unquote "forbidden" and think that all young urban black males are hung, studly, thugs who exist only to fulfill their creepy desires to be ravaged, smacked around, punished and disrespected by big black dicks. They say shit like "I'd love to drain your big black cock" or "I got some white boy pussy for that big black cock" and 'ol nasty shit like that. I mean, what the fuck happened to hello? Both of those types, the big spender and the 'dick-o-phant' are both creepy as hell. All that stuff's not just confined to white men though, I had an older black guy hit me up asking me to go with him on a ski trip, all expenses paid. Yeah, right?

My fellow top friends:
On my profile it says clear as motherfuckin' day that I'm a top. But some people don't let a little thing like that that stop them from trying to fuck you. They hit you up and say things like "Yo son, if you wasn't a top I would definitely hit that" or "You ain't no top, you look like you need dick in ya life" and the best one yet "Yo son, you need to find a bottom and I'll come and help you dig that out." Like I need some other dude's help and if I did find a bottom I don't want your bum ass slobbering all over him, no thanks. And of course these people are almost always looking a hot ass mess, that is if they even have a picture on their profile, which they they usually don't, and if they do it's a picture of some greasy ass, funny looking dick as if that shit is supposed to impress me and what's even worse is that these losers are usually like 30, hitting me up trying to sound like Fabolous or somebody. Like, get real? I don't even give tops the time of day because I'm not tryna relive Online Dating Horror Story # 4.

People without pics:
I don't even know why they waste their time. This is 2008. There are cameras, web cams, digital cameras, scanners, and camera phones everywhere. There is no reason for any of us not to have pictures in digital format at our disposal, none. They need to take their Quasimodo lookin ass back under the bridge with that shit. Oh yeah, then there's the "You know what I'm sayin' son. I don't put my pics online 'cuz i'm DL" guy, whoopti-fuckin-do, that's even worse. Either way, I don't know why they waste their time.

The miscellaneous weirdos:
There was the guy around my age who hit me up yesterday, not bad looking, but a foot fetishist. He hit me up asking me how I take care of my feet. Wow.

Yeah, some day yesterday was. Now I see why people aren't on the sites so much anymore because there seems to be no more normal attractive people left on there. Maybe I need to leave the shit alone before I get all lumped in among the crazies. I mean, damn, do all the freaks come out online?

After a day of nothing, I was done with my work and decided to relax. At about 8pm this guy hits me up online. He looked pretty good in his pic, but that was the problem. There was only one picture and you know what that probably means. So I gave him my number, he called and the first question I asked him was whether he had anymore pics on like a MySpace page or something. He told me that he didn't have a MySpace. What the fuck did he mean he didn't have a MySpace, my ten year old nephew has a MySpace. There are fucking cats and dogs with MySpace pages, what the bloody hell did he mean, he didn't have a MySpace page? What the fuck? Oh hell no! A million alarms were going off in my head. He wanted to come over and I was having serious doubts about this. In an attempt to soothe my apprehension he uttered the words "Nah, don't worry son, I'm official." That made things worse, my apprehension was even stronger now, especially since that's the same thing Chim Chim Chimney, Online Dating Horror Story #2 said and we know how that turned out.

Before I knew it we were off the phone and he was on his way. Thankfully I only told him what stop to get off on the subway and did not give him my address. I refused to go through another pity date, that could possibly lead to pity sex that I'd feel super shitty about in the morning. I had to stop this. So I sent him a text message about five minutes after we got off the phone. I would have called but I didn't feel like having to explain myself, and besides, just in case he was a whiner I didn't wanna hear him bitch about my decision.

A: "I know this is gonna sound crazy but... don't bother coming. I'm not really confident in ur looks as u only have 1 pic and I wouldn't wanna waste your time. Hopefully this catches you before you leave home."

No Pic Guy: "It's all good."

A: "Thanks. I had to think about that, ya know?"

NPG: "I'm good, you just missed out on a sexy ass nigga."

A: "So you say. It wasn't worth the risk. I'll live. Have yourself a good night. :)"

And there you have it. He probably thought I was weird as hell but he didn't know the type of day I'd had. I don't regret what I did because more than likely, based on experience, Murphy's Law, and the law of averages, he was a hot mess. So I masturbated and once I busted a nut. I was over it. And besides I've had enough Online Dating Horror Stories to last a lifetime, you've read 'em.

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Playing In The Background...
"U + Ur Hand"
by Pink
from the album "I'm Not Dead"
and
"Saturday"
by Lil' Mo
from the album "Based On A True Story"
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