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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as
I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I
know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority.
Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes
people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away
but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me
into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage
on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however
it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh):
Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.
Enjoy.
If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
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I love it when you guys send me your questions to answer. Today's question comes from a female reader, yes women read this blog, a whole lot of them, hey ladies. Our lady reader today has a question about a subject I've tackled in a blog post before, the "church boy". Before you go on reading it's probably best that you check out the blog post.
For some reason there seems to be a correlation between some (not all) men in the church, in ministry, in choirs, in the gospel music industry, and homosexuality. A lot of these men leading double lives, dating and sometimes even marrying women who are totally or sometimes somewhat ignorant to their partner's other side. Here's her question:
Hi Adam!
I just want to tell you that I have become a regular to your blog within the past week and I LOVE it sooo much. You are a very intelligent person and I admire the fact that you don't hide any part of your life to anyone. (besides, the personal stories are the best :) ) I am indeed repping the female readers (whoop whoop) and I thought there would be no better person to answer the questions that I have but you, so here we go.
I have a friend who I've known for a while and as we started to talk on the phone and hang out more, we started developing feelings for each other. We decided to start "talking" and I thought things were going great until he decided that we should be honest with each other and get all the secrets out. Well...you guessed it...he's gay. Or at least "used to be" or "trying to change" and he's also the kind of church boy that you speak about, he sings in a choir.
So I have a couple questions:
1. What the hell do I do? I do like him and I can't change that but is it worth the risk of him getting back with a guy or something? He's says he's serious about changing but I don't know how much I believe him.
2. Is there a such thing as a reformed homosexual?
3. Is there a sign in the fact that he still hangs with his gay friends? He says that he only does so because they are truly his best friends but he just doesn't partake in certain activities with them.
Please help me Adam!
-What The Hell Do I Do
The first thing to know WTHDID is that it's not about what the hell you do, it's not up to you. It's all about what he's gonna do. I'm not a religious person and I don't presently go to church, but I do believe in God and Jesus and all that and I was raised in the church, I have a pretty decent knowledge of the Bible (I'm no theologian) and both my parents are ministers, so this is definitely a situation I have encountered before. There's a lot that I can say from my own experience but I've already been labeled by some readers of this blog as jaded and one-sided toward this subject. I'm gonna kinda take a backseat on this one as offering help to you is more important to me than me having another chance to assert my personal feelings on the whole subject. But I will say this, although I believe that God can do anything for one who believes, has faith and galvanizes that faith with their actions, I'm also a believer in gay is gay and straight is straight. And the fact that your friend is still hanging out with his gay friends doesn't sit well with me. So I have decided to let someone who is the ultimate authority on every subject answer your question WTHDID, God.
Although I'm not a believer in what my mother would call "eating the whole roll", that every word of the bible is the straight-up infallible word of God, this is the basis of what most Christians and other kinds of church folks believe so we're gonna do something a little different today and not focus on so much of what I say, but since he's a Christian, a believer in God and the Bible, let's see what the Bible says on the subject.
The bible says that:
"Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."
Leviticus 18:22 KJV
"And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet."
"Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them."
Romans 1:27 & 32 KJV
"Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God."
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 KJV
Just in case you didn't know. The Bible doesn't look kindly upon homosexuality. It sees it as a sin, actually more than a sin, an abomination, worthy of death. Hence these verses from the Old and the New Testaments. Now that we know that, we can really get into this.
"For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also."
James 2:26 KJV
Okay, well, he's saying a lot but what is he doing? He believes and has faith that he's reformed or is reforming, delivered as they say, but what is he doing to work toward that? It must not be much because you're obviously not fully convinced, hence your letter to me today. Actually if you want to take it a step further, he's not truly convinced either according to you because you said that he told you that he's only "trying to change".
"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?"
"Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you"
2 Corinthians 6:14 & 17 KJV
WTHDID, you said that "he only does so [still hanging out with his gay friends] because they are truly his best friends but he just doesn't partake in certain activities with them" According to the bible, that's not even okay. For him to be a person who has renounced or is currently renouncing homosexuality as something wrong, unclean and unacceptable to God and touts that he is a changed man. Homosexuality is not even something he should even be comfortable being around anymore, not to mention having homosexuals as best friends. According to 2 Corinthians 6:14 & 17, his close association with them alone is a sin. And what the hell does he mean by "certain activities"? Hmmm, interesting.
Jesus said:
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
Matthew 5:29-30 KJV
Jesus took it to the next level in this sermon basically saying that if there is something or someone in your life that could potentially cause you to sin and send you to hell that you need to do whatever it takes to rid that thing from your life. As we've read here Jesus compares the situation to someone plucking their eye out. So if he's really serious, eye plucking serious about changing he should not be around those people and you should not have any doubts about him changing.
Adam says:
Basically WTHDID you've answered your own question. You obviously don't feel secure with this relationship and my advice is that you cut it off while you two still are friends because if he becomes your man and y'all end up having sex (I'm assuming you haven't, please say you haven't) and you catch him in bed with some dude, all this nicey-nice shit is gonna go flying out the window and you're gonna be ready to kill his ass and rightly so.
As a friend I think that you should show him this blog post and these
verses of scripture that he's supposed to believe in. Make yourself a non-judgmental person that he can be open, honest and real with about what he really wants
to do, not what society, or his parents, or his church, or even what you expect him to do. This
whole issue is all about him and his identity and again you should remove
yourself from it and let him make the real decision for himself. You also need to let him know that if he really wants to be with you that he's gotta let the friends and the whole gay world go. He's gotta show you that he's serious, as I've said too many times before, it's all about the effort. Because as much as we as gays and straights interact and sometimes even tolerate each other, sharing this planet we call Earth, we'd all be naive and ignorant not to acknowledge that this is a gay and a straight, skewed yet parallel universe we live in and that there's certain lines that gay and straight people of the same sex just don't cross with each other, especially if one of those persons used to be the other thing. I know that it may sound unreasonable but you've got to protect your heart and your life as well. HIV/AIDS infection from DL or secretly bisexual men is one of the biggest killers of young women today. That's not to say that gay men are more likely to carry HIV/AIDS than straight men, but any man who is having secret sex and sex that he's ashamed of is more likely not to protect himself and you.
As far as the question of reformed homosexuals is concerned. Unlike most gays I know I believe that God can change someone from being a homo if they really want it and are really taking the steps to change. My question though is why would someone want to change? Being a homo is great. It's not the easiest thing in the world, but I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China. But its also not for everyone, that's why some are born homo and some are born straight. It takes a real man to be a sissy. According to your letter it sounds to me like your friend hasn't been delivered at all and you need to return his ass to sender!
Keep me posted.
-Adam
If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
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Playing In The Background...
"Son Of A Preacher Man"
by Dusty Springfield
from the album "The Very Best Of Dusty Springfield"
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