I am so sick of you Puritanical bitches running around here trying to discount the importance of sex in a relationship. If I hear another homo run that tired ass "I don't this relationship to be all about sex" line I'm going to throw the fuck up. A relationship shouldn't be all about any one thing but sex is certainly an important factor. In order for a relationship to work it's important for the parties to be sexually compatible, top, bottom, versatile, man, woman, once a day, once a week, once a year, etc.

So, I've been dating this guy for a little while now, we'll call him Earl Eunuch. When I met Earl I was instantly into him, he was really good looking, light skinned, light eyes, freckles (I like freckles), you know my type. In the beginning everything was great, we talked for hours, we spent time together, we went places, we cuddled, the sex was great, everything was all good.

As things progressed and we decided to become exclusive all of a sudden the sex stopped. I'd be there at his house, horny and ready and all of a sudden he'd start refusing me. One night in particular he was on the phone and I was there laying in bed with him, playing with him sexually, touching, kissing and licking the right spots, making it hard for him to talk. He motioned for me to stop and I did and I laid there... and fell asleep there, no sex that night. Then there were other nights filled with "Oh, I'm tired...", "Oh, I don't feel like it...", "Oh, I gotta wake up early for work in the morning...", "Oh, this..." and "Oh, that..." What about the weekends you ask? There was always something, "This one is in town..." or "I promised this friend I was going to hang out..." I was becoming increasingly horny and increasingly annoyed and now increasingly suspicious. How come he'd become such the sexual camel all of a sudden, intercourse so few and far between? We used to have sex when he was trying to hook me, now he's got me and things are different. Call me old school, but I've always adhered to the Jones Girls "You Gonna Make Me Love Somebody Else" philosophy in situations like these, "...if you ain't lovin' me. I wanna know who in the world you lovin'?" i mean he used to enjoy sex, all of a sudden now he's never in the mood anymore and with him being so damn busy lately, what the hell else am I supposed to think?

In an argument this revelation comes out, Earl says: "I'm, I'm just not a sexual person". Like what in the pigeon fuck does that shit mean? Just because you want to be a deceptive undercover eunuch doesn't mean I'm supposed to suffer. I don't think so. Then in another argument he said: "Well the last time we had sex I didn't want to but I did it anyway..." WHAT! And what am I supposed to do after hearing that shit, give a round of applause, a standing ovation perhaps? How was that shit supposed to make me feel? Nobody likes to feel like the person they care about is only having sex with them out of duty, at least I don't. I'm no rapist, I'm no necrophiliac. Half the pleasure of sex is being desired, who wants to have sex with someone who doesn't desire them? Needless to say, laying next to him horny, while he sleeps was not making me the happiest or most fulfilled camper. He fed me the whole "I don't wanna have a relationship based on sex" bullshit ass bullshit line and I fell for it. I figured I'd hold on until things got better.

Honestly, I really didn't understand why he was being this way? Was he not attracted to me anymore? Did he have another dude he'd rather fuck around with? If so, why even deal with me? Why have me around? Why invite me to your crib if all we gon' do is lay next to each other like brothers? All I wanted was some ass at least twice a week, maybe with a little head thrown in somewhere. A week or week and a half shouldn't pass with absolutely no sexual contact. That's crazy! It's not like we've been together for 20 years or something. I mean, you have a good dude, who's tryna be there for you, we spend time together, we go places, we laugh, we cuddle, all that shit, all you gotta do is hit the nigga off twice a week, why is that so difficult? I should not be laying in Earl's bed masturbating, not if I'm supposed to be with him. that's crazy! I would never do that shit to him. I like him, I really do and even though I didn't quite understand I've been real patient.

Yesterday was the last straw. I'm going to Washington D.C. today to see Derrick's movie. He's known this all week. I would like to have seen him and possibly had sex before my trip especially since it's a Friday night and he doesn't have to work tomorrow, so no excuses, right? I'm gonna let the text massages tell the story:

Friday:

11:39a
Adam: Hey...

11:40a
Earl: Hey baby

11:47a
Adam: Am I gonna see you tonite, u know I'm goin to DC tomorrow. And you know we haven't had sex in a minute...

12:00p
Earl: I can see u but my cousin comin' in town and he only stayin 2night

12:01p
Adam: Don't worry about it

12:10p
Earl: Baby

12:24p
Earl: I miss u baby

12:29p
Earl: Baby

12:40p
Earl: What time u comin?

6:22p
Adam: I'm not coming. Have fun.

6:25p
Adam: I'm really feeling like this (me) is not what u really want.

7:32p
Earl: Baby u are. Why are u saying this?

7:36p
Earl: Nothing I do makes you happy, I try and try. I want u in my life.

7:39p
Adam: Try what? U sure as hell don't try to have sex w me...

7:43p
Earl: Why is it always about sex. I normally don't have sex til after a month of dating but it was something about you, I want you.

7:44p
Adam: It's always about sex because that's where we have a problem. if u wanted to have sex with me regularly I'd be fine.

7:48p
Earl: Baby u know how I've been feeling

7:51p:
Adam: And you know how I always feel. I care about u so I'ma just be str8 real with u. I can't be in a relationship where I'm not getting sex on the reg. W/o sex we can just be friends cuz if I'm not getting it at home I'ma get it somewhere else.

7:53p
Earl: Are u really breaking up with me? :(

7:55p
Adam: No. 'm just letting u know that if it's impossible for you to have sex with me on the reg then:
A. We'll have to break up
or
B. U'll have to accept that I will be having sex with other people in your stead.
Your decision...

7:57p
Earl: I can't believe u saying this.

8:01p
Adam: I'm just being real. U've been asking me why I seem upset, that's why. I've been holding that in for a while. I've been very patient but now I'm tired. I've asked and damn near begged you and now I'm at my breaking point. I've been there for you now it's time for you to be there for me. So what u gonna do?

8:01p
Earl: Are we in a relationship or are we just fuck buddies?

8:02p
Adam: In order to be fuck buddies we'd have to be fucking...

8:03p:
Earl: Come to my house

8:03p:
Adam: For what? Aren't you busy tonight?

8:04p:
Earl: We always fighting about sex.

8:10p
Adam: We wouldn't be fighting if we just had sex regularly, that's all I ask. I'm tired of laying in your bed horny while u turn over and fall asleep on me, but that's neither here nor there. The real deal is this, for some reason u don't wanna have sex with me and that's fine, there's plenty of other people that do. But there's no reason for us to waste each other's time. U want a relationship with a dickless man who likes to cuddle and do whatever you want him to do and is devoid of sexual desire while I want a relationship with a dude who wants to give me some ass on the reg. I'm not tryna change u Earl, but I'm just letting u know that I will not continue like this. I'm feeling very unfulfilled and I shouldn't feel that way.

To Be Continued...

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Red Blooded Woman"
by Kylie Minogue
from the album "Body Language"
and
"Questions"
by Tamia
from the album "More"
and
"You Gonna Make Me Love Somebody Else"
by The Jones Girls
from the album "The Best Of The Jones Girls"
and
"Why Am I Lonely"
by Chante Moore
from the album "Exposed"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 05:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (20) | TrackBacks (0)

Much to everyone's chagrin I'm a total asshole now. I've been doing and saying things that I would have never previously done and just plain not giving a fuck. It feels great! It's a freedom I've never known. I mean if I offend someone in my pursuit of happiness what have a really lost? Not a damn thing, just another person that wasn't good for me anyway.

The key has been putting my personal happiness at the forefront and making the pursuit of that happiness as serious as life and death. I've come to the conclusion that every moment that I'm not happy is a wasted moment, a moment that I cannot relive and get back and that only I have the power to put or not put myself into situations that can make me happy or unhappy and if that makes me an asshole sometimes or not the nicest guy, so be it. I have career and life goals and aspirations that I will not let anybody keep me away from by any means necessary.

I've finally realized that life is short and if I'm gonna live my life and not be happy then I may as well shoot myself in the head now and get it over with. Since I don't believe in suicide I'm going to have to aggressively pursue my happiness like the lion I am and if someone is dumb enough to stand in my way I will devour them and toss their bloodied carcass by the wayside of the road to happiness and keep on stepping, licking my chops as my golden mane blows in the wind.

You've been warned.

We can walk down the road to happiness together, just don't stand in my way.

==========
Playing in The Background...
NOTHING! I wanna be sure you heard every word of that.
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 10:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Hey guys,

My birthday is rolling around again in a few months. I'm turning 25 this year and we are doing things WAY BIG. I've already booked a venue, we've set a date (Friday, July 25th, 2008) and it's gonna be on and poppin'.

The party's open to the public and of course you all are invited. So if you are in or will be in the New York area on July 25th I definitely wanna see you.

In the upcoming weeks I'll be releasing more info. There will be advertising, and flyers, and photoshoots, and all kinds of other fun stuff so stay tuned.

For more info check out my Official 25th Birthday Party Website: http://adamsweblog.com/party

Love,
Adam

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 10:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Okay, so there's this book out that seems to be making big waves in the gay community. Because I'm not in support or an advocate of this book I won't mention it's name.

What I don't get is why gay people get all wound up every time someone releases a book or a rumor or a story or a YouTube video that someone in the entertainment industry is secretly gay? Why are we the openly gay so fascinated with people that are ashamed of us. Why should we give a fuck about them? Why should we buy a book filled with punk ass, coward ass blind items alluding to whether some of out favorite celebrities are secretly gay? I

think it's the dumbest thing ever and I really don't get it. But at the end of the day as much as it all doesn't make sense, it makes big dollars and as long as it sells this trend will unfortunately never die.

=========
Playing In The Background...
"Rumors"
by Lindsay Lohan
From the album "Speak"
=========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 06:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
Pictures:
- Tamia and her backup singers
- Tamia and her husband, NBA star Grant Hill who made a special appearance at the concert
- The official Tamia & Jaheim Promo poster for the concert
==========

I've always said that one of the many many things I wanted to do before I died was to see Tamia in concert. I'm in love with this woman, her angelic face, her impeccable, clean, beautiful voice, her playful and charming personality. Everything about her embodies grace and class. She's a wife and a mother, you never hear about her in the tabloids or of her hanging out with the wrong crowd. As I'm on the internet reading about her most men are saying that she's what you call "wifey material" and as gay as I am I couldn't agree more.

When I first heard of her coming here, to New York to the Beacon Theatre, a place so strongly tied to black entertainment that it only pales in comparison to the Apollo I had to jump on it. All my life I'd heard of the Beacon, it's been home to all the chitlin' circuit black plays that come to town, all of the proverbial "Mama-I-Want-To-Sing-But-My-Arms-Are-Too-Short-To-Box-With-God" type plays. I'd never been to the theatre before and finally seeing Tamia was definitely a great reason to pay it a visit.

Tamia was excellent and even though she was opening for Jaheim, she stole the show. I'm actually happy she performed first because I actually left in the middle of Jaheim's set. It's crazy that Tamia isn't headlining shows by now. She is so underrated, unappreciated, and slept on in the industry. Definitely one of the best female voices, period. She sang "You Put A Move On My Heart" and she sounds the same as she did when the song first came out 12 years ago. Jaheim, he's a cool guy and all and yes he has his fair share of hits, like "Diamond in Da Ruff", "Could it Be", "Fabulous" and "Never" which I love, but besides that his part of the show was kinda boring.

Tamia sang about 15 selections from all four of her albums, she sounded effortlessly excellent on each one, hitting and quitting them. There were a few surprises and covers throughout her set, her renditions of Sheila E's "Glamorous Life" and Chaka Khan's "Sweet Thing" they were great but paled in comparison to when her surprise guest, her husband, NBA star Grant Hill came out on stage with her while she performed "Still", her ode to marriage. He stayed a while and did a piano solo before backing her up on her impromptu cover of the Notorious BIG's "One More Chance (remix)". Most people don't get into how playful and downright goofy Tamia can be at times and this was a great showing of it. The New York crowd went crazy for the song originally made by our hometown hero.

It was a great concert. I got footage of twelve of the songs for you all. I didn't have the best seats in the world, so the footage isn't all that great but it does the job and besides, the audio is the most important part anyway. I have embedded her rendition of "One More Chance" along with "Stranger In My House" and "Missing You" below. You can check out ten more videos from the concert including "You Put A Move On My Heart", "Me", "Cant Get Enough", "Spend My Life/Sweet Thing", "Still", "Officially Missing You", "So Into You" and more on the A. Benjamin Irby YouTube Channel. Be sure to subscribe.

Missing You:

There are nine more videos from this concert and even more live concert footage of Rihanna, Amerie, Teedra Moses, Janet Jackson, Vivian Green, and more on the A. Benjamin Irby YouTube Channel. Be sure to subscribe.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"One More Chance"
by Tamia
Live From New York At Beacon Theatre
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Strange
by Adam Benjamin Irby

Isn't it strange how I'm visiting a stranger,
Walking down a strange street.
In a strange neighborhood, in a strange part of town,
Is this stranger I'm gonna meet.

Isn't it strange how 2 hours ago he didn't know my name,
Yet he's sucking on my dick right now just the same.
And how I can flip him over and steady his frame,
Pounding and stroking until I came.
So numb I don't even think about it no more,
'Cuz that's just the name of the game.

Isn't it strange, the slight feeling of blunder,
Once the cum is all shot, to hear him wonder.
"Pa, am I gonna see you again?"
I answer "Well, you got my number."
Knowing good and well "Do Not Answer"
Is what his number's saved under.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Fling"
by Girls Aloud
from the album "Tangled Up"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 04:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

So I'm talking to someone new and like all men, he found a new way to fuck shit up, you know with the usual selfish bullshit, story of my blog, story of my life, blah, blah, blah, so not going into details. I can drive down this road with my eyes closed at this point. Just when it seems like things are going well... Whatever, I'm used to it now. This morning as I left his house, pissed that I left my jacket that I'll have to end up having to back come and get later, totally fucking up my dramatic Hollywood exit and even more pissed at developing a tickle in my throat due to this unpredictable spring weather here in New York and the fact that he must sleep under air conditioning, even though it's not even that hot.

I got home and got a call from Derrick (Thank God for good-good girlfriends and bro-sises, what would we ever do without them?) and as we updated each other on our individual situations I began to contemplate on what it's all about, relationships that is and why I even bother anymore, ya know? Just then I began to realize that maybe the simple things that I expect and then reluctantly have to ask repeatedly and damn near beg for from a man may just really be too much for them to handle. At that moment I gave up. I let go of all expectations of finding a man and being happy with him. As much as I don't want to become a bitter, jaded, defeated queen I'm just tired of my story being so tragic. It's like every blog post lately if it's not one of my many shining achievements it's "he did this to me", "he did that..." it's so tragic. I mean, damn, aren't y'all tired of reading that shit, I know I'm damn sure tired of writing it and living it. I remember when my blog used to be fun and people used to laugh. Lately it's just been a downer.

I'm thinking it's because I feel so much. I'm nice, I'm sensitive, I'm loving. It makes me happy to help and love people, especially those who I'm with. I'm letting my heart drive the car and I keep crashing into shit or rather letting shit crash into me, like Janet Jackson or some shit. "I shoulda stopped at the redlight cuz, now I'm like a deer caught in headlights..." "He crashed into my heart..."

A friend of mine at a major publishing house sent me a book called "A$$hole: How I Got Rich And Happy By Not Giving A Damn About Anyone" by Martin Kihn. It's the true story of a man who much like me was a nice guy, trying to make everybody happy, trying not to offend anyone. As a result he was living a mediocre existence, much like the one I swore on this very blog that I wouldn't live. I haven't finished the book yet but the overall message is that people who are little more assertive about their shit and even a little bitchy and asshole-ish about it get what they want in life by being a thinker and not a feeler. As a result I don't feel that it's them, it's him, it's her that hurts or is hurting me as much as I allow myself to be hurt by exposing vulnerable parts of myself to those theys, hims, and hers. They don't expose those parts to me and that's how come they can walk away from me unscathed while I'm drinking until I puke and writing dark poetry, but I digress. One of my secret goals this year was to be a little more bitchy and asshole-ish with people and I have to say that it's been working for me.

As I continued talking with Derrick I walked I went over to make myself a cup of tea for my throat. As I listened intently to Derrick, dipping my tea bag up and down in the hot water, allowing it to steep I noticed something that I never saw before. There was writing on the back of the little paper handle that's attached to the string of my tea bag, it was a quote. Since when did they start putting quotes on tea bag handles? I was halfway through the box of tea bags and I'd never noticed this before until today. I read the handle:

"The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think" -Horace Walpole (1717 - 1797)

Nuff said.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Luv"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Discipline"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (0)

"Do, Do you got a first aid kit handy? Do, Do you know how to patch up a wound...

Damaged, damaged
Damaged, damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is
Damaged, damaged
So Damaged
And you can blame the one before
So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it...

Tell me are you up for the challenge
Cause my heart is damaged..."
 -Danity Kane
  from the song "Damaged"

Being single again has really given me some time to think about who I am and why I am the way I am in relationships and why all of my relationships have failed. The thing is, well, I'm an extremely nice person. Not nice to others to the detriment of myself, so much, at least not consciously, but yeah, I'm really nice. I was taught growing up that 'it's nice to be nice".

I grew up with a father who was far from perfect, but a damn good provider for his family. He made sure that we were all taken care of, me, my mother and my siblings, before even thinking about thinking about himself. I remember him giving my mother, a stay at home mom, his whole paycheck every pay period so she could pay all the bills and manage the house while he worked. The only time we'd really set to do something special for him, something tangible, was Father's Day or his birthday. Even then he'd get the same old thing every year, a shirt and a tie or something. But when he received that shirt and tie from us he treated it like it was pure gold, he loved and cherished it and would tell anyone he met who'd listen long enough about what we'd gotten him. More important to him than the yearly trinkets he'd receive from us, my father rejoiced in the fact that we were happy. It made him happy to see us happy. To see his family with the best filled him with pride as a provider, as a father, as a man. That happiness is what pulled him through those days working as hard as he did for forty years before he retired. While I didn't appreciate it nearly as much as a should have as a child, being a man now, typing this paragraph I'm actually holding back tears from my eyes thinking of all his sacrificed for us and never thought anything of it and never wanted any undue praise or fanfare for it. While it seems like such a extraordinary feat in our world of deadbeat dads, downlow brothas, and talk show paternity tests, my dad simply did what a real man is supposed to do.

Growing up, everyone said I looked so much and acted so much like my mother, with her dry, church lady, sanctified sarcasm and fierce one-liners. My mother is the only person I know that can cuss you out without using one cuss word. She can read you in the name of Jesus, say a prayer over you, tip her Sunday-go-to-meeting hat and send you on your way. I thought that a lot of these characteristics carried over into my being gay. But as I get older I'm realizing now with pride that I'm becoming more and more like my father everyday.

Unfortunately, attributes like honor, faithfulness (outside of sexual activity, yes faithful does have more than one meaning), responsibility and just plain being nice aren't much appreciated in the gay community. Our endless pursuit of youth, parties, designer labels, and whatever's or whoever's considered new and fabulous has left such time-honored virtues by the wayside. In my relationships I am much like my dad, minus the fiscal obligations as I've never been married, have no kids and am not taking care of no grown-ass man (Get a job nigga! Oh wow, that was personal, dedicated to all my deadbeat exes, the ones I dated in '05-'06). That fiscal and provider responsibly that my father had to his wife and kids as a straight man translates into emotional responsibility for me as a gay man as I give my all to whoever I'm with and like my dad it makes me happy to see them happy, to put a smile on their face. Like my dad, that's what's most important to me, not necessarily having things for myself. I don't mind sharing my wealth (not necessarily financial wealth) with someone. Unlike most gays I know, I don't like clubs and I was never into labels, now I'm more into saving money than anything else. In a partner I want someone that I can chill and build something with, and give to emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially and have it given back or at the very least appreciated. The more superficial things just don't matter so much to me. Sometimes I feel like yes, of course, I'm obviously gay, but so not gay all at the same time.

As I sat and talked to Pubby last week, he finally acknowledged how much of myself I gave to him when we were together. I gave him, it, us, my all. I loved him with every cell in my body, ever fiber of my being. I broke my back to make that shit work, doing all I possibly could, but I was not getting the love back. Then he said to me that he just wasn't ready for that again yet and that that's why he was so neglectful as far as I was concerned and that he had just come out of something when we first met. etc,. etc,. etc... Then I just kinda tuned out. As much as this was a revelation for him it wasn't for me. I'd heard this all before. Below is the amended version of how my relationships work. I also recommend that you check out the blog post that fully details how my relationships work. Anyway:

I find someone.

I get with them.

I fall for them.

I give my everything.

Everything seems okay.

They start neglecting me.

It drives me crazy.

It hurts my feelings.

I break it off with them.

They don't care because I guess they weren't so into me in the first place.

We have the post break-up closure conversation in which they tell me that they just weren't ready for what I was looking for and that they've just gotten out of something, long term with someone else and there's still feelings and baggage there, yadda, yadda, yadda, etc., etc., etc... I've had this conversation so many times I could finish their sentences at this point. So what is it about me that draws these people to me? I know I sure as hell didn't go out looking for this stream of heartbreak and disappointment that is my romantic life. I'm not trying to be the proverbial "Captain Save-A-Ho" scouting for wounded souls to gentrify into the perfect companion. And who are these people that leave them so heartbroken? They always seems to have given their everything to these deadbeats in long term relationships and got fucked over so bad that there's nothing left for me. Why do I always have to be the rebound dude, the one who has to carry the leftover baggage from the last dude until my arms get tired and I end up dropping the shit? How can I get down with being first? Is this why I've never been in a long term relationship, because I'm always receiving damaged goods? Is it because I'm a nice guy? Is nobody gonna give me love unless I fuck them over too? 'Cuz the nigga that fucks them over, they all go running back to them, leaving me standing there with my open and pure heart, looking like an ass every time. This shit is crazy. When a nigga is obviously fucking me over I leave his ass alone. Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you're getting mistreated? If you find a good man and you know he's a good man, doing all he can for the relationship, trying to make you happy, why would you leave that or neglect that for someone who makes you unhappy. I don't get it.

I mean, dammit Danity Kane! How am I gonna "fix it, fix it, fix it" if they keep going back to the same dude that messed them up in the first place? Maybe I'm just not "up for the challenge" anymore? I'm throwing my "first aid kit" away. I'm tired of playing doctor, I'm closing the practice. All I want is a fair fuckin' shake. I come in fresh and healed up, all my past let go, you come in fresh and healed up, all your past let go and we just do this.

Like I said, unfortunately my values system just doesn't seem to fit in with gay life. In the words of Lil' Kim "Sometimes I feel like I'm from another fuckin' world..." and with my upbringing, way of thinking and values system in comparison to most gay men I know, I guess I am.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Damaged"
by Danity Kane
from the album "Welcome To The Dollhouse"
and
"Custom Made (Give It To You)"
by Lil' Kim
from the album "Notorious K.I.M."
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (11) | TrackBacks (0)