"Do, Do you got a first aid kit handy? Do, Do you know how to patch up a wound...Damaged, damaged
Damaged, damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is
Damaged, damaged
So Damaged
And you can blame the one before
So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it...Tell me are you up for the challenge
Cause my heart is damaged..."
-Danity Kane
from the song "Damaged"
Being single again has really given me some time to think about who I am and why I am the way I am in relationships and why all of my relationships have failed. The thing is, well, I'm an extremely nice person. Not nice to others to the detriment of myself, so much, at least not consciously, but yeah, I'm really nice. I was taught growing up that 'it's nice to be nice".
I grew up with a father who was far from perfect, but a damn good provider for his family. He made sure that we were all taken care of, me, my mother and my siblings, before even thinking about thinking about himself. I remember him giving my mother, a stay at home mom, his whole paycheck every pay period so she could pay all the bills and manage the house while he worked. The only time we'd really set to do something special for him, something tangible, was Father's Day or his birthday. Even then he'd get the same old thing every year, a shirt and a tie or something. But when he received that shirt and tie from us he treated it like it was pure gold, he loved and cherished it and would tell anyone he met who'd listen long enough about what we'd gotten him. More important to him than the yearly trinkets he'd receive from us, my father rejoiced in the fact that we were happy. It made him happy to see us happy. To see his family with the best filled him with pride as a provider, as a father, as a man. That happiness is what pulled him through those days working as hard as he did for forty years before he retired. While I didn't appreciate it nearly as much as a should have as a child, being a man now, typing this paragraph I'm actually holding back tears from my eyes thinking of all his sacrificed for us and never thought anything of it and never wanted any undue praise or fanfare for it. While it seems like such a extraordinary feat in our world of deadbeat dads, downlow brothas, and talk show paternity tests, my dad simply did what a real man is supposed to do.
Growing up, everyone said I looked so much and acted so much like my mother, with her dry, church lady, sanctified sarcasm and fierce one-liners. My mother is the only person I know that can cuss you out without using one cuss word. She can read you in the name of Jesus, say a prayer over you, tip her Sunday-go-to-meeting hat and send you on your way. I thought that a lot of these characteristics carried over into my being gay. But as I get older I'm realizing now with pride that I'm becoming more and more like my father everyday.
Unfortunately, attributes like honor, faithfulness (outside of sexual activity, yes faithful does have more than one meaning), responsibility and just plain being nice aren't much appreciated in the gay community. Our endless pursuit of youth, parties, designer labels, and whatever's or whoever's considered new and fabulous has left such time-honored virtues by the wayside. In my relationships I am much like my dad, minus the fiscal obligations as I've never been married, have no kids and am not taking care of no grown-ass man (Get a job nigga! Oh wow, that was personal, dedicated to all my deadbeat exes, the ones I dated in '05-'06). That fiscal and provider responsibly that my father had to his wife and kids as a straight man translates into emotional responsibility for me as a gay man as I give my all to whoever I'm with and like my dad it makes me happy to see them happy, to put a smile on their face. Like my dad, that's what's most important to me, not necessarily having things for myself. I don't mind sharing my wealth (not necessarily financial wealth) with someone. Unlike most gays I know, I don't like clubs and I was never into labels, now I'm more into saving money than anything else. In a partner I want someone that I can chill and build something with, and give to emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially and have it given back or at the very least appreciated. The more superficial things just don't matter so much to me. Sometimes I feel like yes, of course, I'm obviously gay, but so not gay all at the same time.
As I sat and talked to Pubby last week, he finally acknowledged how much of myself I gave to him when we were together. I gave him, it, us, my all. I loved him with every cell in my body, ever fiber of my being. I broke my back to make that shit work, doing all I possibly could, but I was not getting the love back. Then he said to me that he just wasn't ready for that again yet and that that's why he was so neglectful as far as I was concerned and that he had just come out of something when we first met. etc,. etc,. etc... Then I just kinda tuned out. As much as this was a revelation for him it wasn't for me. I'd heard this all before. Below is the amended version of how my relationships work. I also recommend that you check out the blog post that fully details how my relationships work. Anyway:
I find someone.
I get with them.
I fall for them.
I give my everything.
Everything seems okay.
They start neglecting me.
It drives me crazy.
It hurts my feelings.
I break it off with them.
They don't care because I guess they weren't so into me in the first place.
We have the post break-up closure conversation in which they tell me that they just weren't ready for what I was looking for and that they've just gotten out of something, long term with someone else and there's still feelings and baggage there, yadda, yadda, yadda, etc., etc., etc... I've had this conversation so many times I could finish their sentences at this point. So what is it about me that draws these people to me? I know I sure as hell didn't go out looking for this stream of heartbreak and disappointment that is my romantic life. I'm not trying to be the proverbial "Captain Save-A-Ho" scouting for wounded souls to gentrify into the perfect companion. And who are these people that leave them so heartbroken? They always seems to have given their everything to these deadbeats in long term relationships and got fucked over so bad that there's nothing left for me. Why do I always have to be the rebound dude, the one who has to carry the leftover baggage from the last dude until my arms get tired and I end up dropping the shit? How can I get down with being first? Is this why I've never been in a long term relationship, because I'm always receiving damaged goods? Is it because I'm a nice guy? Is nobody gonna give me love unless I fuck them over too? 'Cuz the nigga that fucks them over, they all go running back to them, leaving me standing there with my open and pure heart, looking like an ass every time. This shit is crazy. When a nigga is obviously fucking me over I leave his ass alone. Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you're getting mistreated? If you find a good man and you know he's a good man, doing all he can for the relationship, trying to make you happy, why would you leave that or neglect that for someone who makes you unhappy. I don't get it.
I mean, dammit Danity Kane! How am I gonna "fix it, fix it, fix it" if they keep going back to the same dude that messed them up in the first place? Maybe I'm just not "up for the challenge" anymore? I'm throwing my "first aid kit" away. I'm tired of playing doctor, I'm closing the practice. All I want is a fair fuckin' shake. I come in fresh and healed up, all my past let go, you come in fresh and healed up, all your past let go and we just do this.
Like I said, unfortunately my values system just doesn't seem to fit in with gay life. In the words of Lil' Kim "Sometimes I feel like I'm from another fuckin' world..." and with my upbringing, way of thinking and values system in comparison to most gay men I know, I guess I am.
==========
Playing In The Background...
"Damaged"
by Danity Kane
from the album "Welcome To The Dollhouse"
and
"Custom Made (Give It To You)"
by Lil' Kim
from the album "Notorious K.I.M."
==========
Since I know you read The Velvet Rage (I first heard about the book on this blog) then I know you can understand why some guys are just not ready for love. There is work they have to do before that day comes. All you can do is keep moving your life forward, allow them their space and stay ready to meet the man who is ready for you.
**SNAPS FINGERS AS IF SINIA EBONY IS VOGUING HER WIG OFF AT THE CLUBHOUSE**
Yes, this was just a great entry, really well written and insightful, it spoke to me.
No Adam, do not change because it is not trendy within the gay community to be nice, loving, a stand up individual, and all the other good qualities you spoke of in this entry. You will find someone, like Teedra says, "A heart that's pure, wont be denied..."
For now, continue to do what you are doing, working and striving for perfection.
I am learning, or have already learned, that you cannot, you CANNOT and SHOULD NOT love these gays out here (especially in NY) unless you really get to know them, and see that they are, as you said, bringing equal attention to the relationship. There is too much lopsidedness going on, and it does suck, but I agree with Bernie (the dude who posted ahead of me), pump, let the girls grow, as you grow, far from them, and into the arms of someone worthy, that will "cultivate," not ruin you.
I can relate to where you are coming from, it took me a long time to get to the point where i am now, i was in a relationship for 5 1/2 years and i would think after all that (being gay that is a life a 50 year relationship) time, we would be together forever, but he needed something different or in his words, "he didn't know who he was anymore", but he found him self later a couple of months later with someone else, so that was two years ago and i deceide i needed to be single for a minute and make myself happy, but some people just cant understand when you tell them you not ready for a relationship right now, and that you dont wanna hurt them. I think if someone tells you that ahead of time, it will make things a lil bit easier.
So once you spend some time alone to get know yourself and, things will seem much better, i thought/think i was a good partner but then things happen to make you think you weren't so you gotta take time to be alone for a minute.
You seem like you are in a good place right now so keep working on you and never settle for less
We are more alike than I ever knew. You just gave voice to my experience as a young, lower-class, black gay man in the mainstream Black Queer Community of NYC. I'm truly having a hallelujah moment right now because so many times I feel like I'm discounted because I don't have the money right now to groom myself the way I want to and look the way I want to look and because I don't look like I just stepped out of America's Next Model.
It's all about timing Adam, and whether you and that person's timetables match, and accepting and receiving the love when it's truly there. I wish you well!
Damn Sweets,
Long time no hear/see! I think the difference between you and many out there is that you put yourself out there. Your way of handling relationships, however ideal is extremely rare in our community. But don't ever fall in line with the fools. Continue to provide us all with a different look...
I wish you would STOP using the word Nigga in your post, it just ruins any kind off intelligence or depth you might have in your writing.
Adam, you are an absolute sweetheart! You attract what you are, so use this time as a moment to realize that you're "fine tuning" your preferences in the perfect mate. He will come. He will mirror all of your great attributes and both you and he will be greatly fulfilled in your union...I wish that for you!
Muah!
I know exactly where your coming from. I feel the same way about my own values not mixing with the "Gay" community.
I think that you should work on looking for the "warning signs"...meaning, when certain things, in whoever, start to seen familiar to you, end it before it goes further. Don't feel like you HAVE to make it work...because, you DON'T.
If you want to start breaking this pattern, you have to stop wearing those blinders of yours.
And, if you smell smoke, leave the building before its too late!
;-)
The videos are cool, but I'm SO glad to see you writing again!
"my values system just doesn't seem to fit in with gay life"
I get the feeling that's why so many gays are so bitter and treat people so badly. They've been burned and gotten jaded. The whole front is some sort of protection barrier.
And you know I love the blog, but I have to agree with Ralph.
I wish there was a way to say this without sounding cliche. The truth is many people I have attempted to date have also left me in the same condition. The temptation is to listen to what others say and try to focus on yourself all under the guise of so called "self improvement" or "self growth". Before my comments are misconstrued, I will assert that I am all for a person growing and improving their ways positively but there are cases where there is nothing wrong with you so why fix what is not broken.
The truth is that, you are not a coward so you keep trying again. The cowards are those who have decided to not try again or have allowed another's action to make them jaded. I was once told and have taken this saying on fully that "If you are real, then you are never afraid of being hurt." So brutha being hurt is part of the whole fabric and the fact that you get disappointed doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. So question yourself before you set out on those self growth courses because it seems every "datable" black gay man is on this quest for self perfection to a point where nobody is willing to try anything.
My recommendation is that you alter your view on relationships a bit. Firstly if you look critically at your disappointment you will realize that you are not disappointed or hurt because the person jilted you, the bulk of your disappointment stems from the fact that your expectations of the relationship is never going to come to fruition. Expectations are normal and human but can be deadly and painful. My advice is simple before you do anything for anybody ask yourself why you are doing it and if the answer is anything besides that you want to do it and you are not expecting anything in return, not even a thank you, then don't waste your time doing it. If you do, you will be disappointed 100% of the time because in the end even if the action is reciprocated it will never be in the magnitude you expected it to be. Blessings!
-B
PS: I saw you in the city this past weekend but I guess I didn't know if I should chase you into the corner store you were going to lol