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This a series of posts that I've been thinking long and hard about writing. I've been so deep in thought about it because I'd be stating my honest opinion, mostly venting about shit that gets on my motherfuckin' natural black nerves and I fully know and realize going in, unlike most times where I don't know and realize going in that I'm gonna offend someone. But, fuck it (not butt fuck it LOL), it's my blog. I'ma say what I want, whoever doesn't like it doesn't have to read it. Shit, that's what the "comments" section is for. I gotta let some stuff out and I may even educate or inform someone in the process. This thought process is actually the birth of a series of posts that I've titled: "Adam's Opinion On..."

-Adam
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Today's Subject: Closeted Gay Men

I'm gay. I'm gay and damn proud of it and wouldn't change it for all the tea in China. One of the things I love most about myself is my great sense of self-acceptance. I love me, all of me, even the stuff that gets on my nerves sometimes, and whatever things about me that get on my nerves I'm not so much looking to change, but to improve for the sake of the overall me, to make me a better me, more efficient me. So the words "I wish I weren't gay" would never escape my lips, gay is a part of me. I love being gay. I love everything about it, even the stuff you don't like, because in it's own little way it's helped to shape me into the lovely me that you see before you today. On my worst gay day the last thing I would ever wanna be is straight (and I'm sure straights feel the same way, they should). With that said these homos running around here wishing that they weren't gay get on my last nerve.

Closeted men. How tired is that? Knowing full well that your ass is gay, fucking asses and taking dicks, but then when asked you lie and say you're not gay. That's so tired. So what, you like dick, don't be a fuckin' pussy about it! It's not just tired, it's sad, to continually deny who you are over and over again must kill you a little more inside each time you do it. I could see it if you were young and still living at home or it was to save your job or if you were in immediate danger or something like that and even those non-ideal situations the people in them don't want to be in them and are trying to make their way out if at all possible. Who wouldn't wanna live their lives in total freedom? Who wants to live in secret? To straight up lie, just for the sake of acceptance is just crazy to me.

Just so that we're clear. I'm making the distinction here between closeted men, gay men who know they're gay but lie about it for acceptance sake (I guess) and DL men, men who date and even marry women but still fuck around with men. DL men are just totally gross and a disgrace to all men gay and straight. They're a horse of another color, not only don't I have respect for them I can't stand them, but that's a whole 'nother blog post.

With that said, let's continue. A friend of mine told me a story of two men he knew that bought a two bedroom condo that they couldn't afford just so that when their parents and other people came over one could sleep in the other room so that they could live under the guise of being roommates. Two single and available men, over 30, no girlfriends, no ex-wives, no kids, living together for years and years and they really don't think that people don't know what's going on, like they're really fooling somebody. The question is are they trying to fool other people or fool themselves? How ridiculous is this? To fuck your finances and credit up to maintain a facade of a life solely for the approval of other people. In what life does that make sense? These are grown ass men living their lives in hiding like little kids. How are you gonna let other people rule how you live your life in your house, that you pay for? That's crazy. Couldn't be me.

All of this though is my opinion. I mean hey, if you wanna be a closet case, be a closet case, that's your life, your right as an American, just keep the shit away from me. Due to what I do (the blogging and such) and my overall nature I can't be friends with you ('cuz everyone knows I'm gay and don't deny it, so being around me is gonna out you sooner or later) and I most certainly won't date you. If someone tries to talk to me at a club or hits me up online and says anything even remotely to the effect that they are not out, that ends the conversation. That is unless they continue it, then a debate usually ensues.

Yesterday, a guy hit me up online. I looked at his profile. It said that he was "not out". Let's call this guy CedarChest (cedar, because he's in the closet). I politely ended the conversation, he continued it and the debate ensued and of course I've added my sidebar comments:

CedarChest: "whas good"

Me: "nothin chillin, sorry but im not into dudes that arent out about their sexuality."

Sidebar: Politely ending the conversation.

CedarChest: "thas kool but u should respect someones choice to not b captain gay. i wasnt tryna holla at u on that level jus wanted to chat wit see how convo goes"

Sidebar: Sure you weren't... but either way, a closet case having a convo with "Captain Gay" ain't gon' go but so far.

Me: "<=== Captain Gay and proud. I'm gonna take on that moniker, thank you. Nah I actually don't have respect for any grown ass man who's on the DL. I'm not saying be a drag queen but if someone asks you whether you're gay and you lie and say no, then no I have no respect for you."

Sidebar: CedarChest is older than me according to his profile, which makes it even more tired.

CedarChest: "well if that works for u im happy for u. but n e way whas ya name"

Me: "Captain Homo S. Gay LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL"

CedarChest: "see this is y regular dudes like me dont like fem dudes like u."

Sidebar: Bitch can't take a joke now all of a sudden I gotta be fem. Good thing that I'm a secure gay man who wouldn't take that as an insult.

Me: "I'm actually not fem, but okay. LOL And if by "regular" you must not be speaking of normal, because a normal man stands up for who he is and what he does and isn't DL. And a DL man not liking me is no surprise, how can you like me when you don't even like you?"

Sidebar: I don't like that I used the term "DL" there. I should have used the term "closeted".

CedarChest: "a normal doesnt have to b a poster boi for homosexuality. a normal man dnt care who knos but wont run around tellin everyone he is gay. now go have fun this convo wit u is a waste"

Sidebar: Yeah, but you obviously care who knows you're gay, hence why you're in the closet. Yeah, this convo, a waste, yeah. I was tryna tell you that.

Some may look at my stance as extreme but it's whatever. Being an openly gay man, with my blog, on the internet and in my community I have to deal with people's homophobic bullshit all the time. Now yes, I live in New York, a very liberal city and no I don't walk around in a dress, but I have the utmost respect for those who do. In fact most people who meet me and don't ask me about it don't even realize that I'm gay, but even a person in my situation still has homophobic attitudes to deal with. As gays we are not a societal norm and at times it's a struggle, it's be a battle for us just to live our lives like everyone else at times, it's unfortunate but it is what it is. So while I'm on the forefront of this battle, writing, blogging, voting and being a voice in the world I really don't have the patience for a closet case. I'm like Harriet Tubman, holding niggas up with my pistol on the Underground Railroad, if you wanna be free come with me and let's fight this fight, if not I'm leaving your punk ass behind because the movement can't wait for scary ass niggas to get their shit together. In a world where gays are fighting for the rights to marry, have hospital visitation, insurance and things like that who needs a closet case running around here being a nuisance.

Remember, this is MY opinion and once you hit the close button at the top of your web browser, "Poof!" it's gone.

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Playing In The Background...
"Your Secret Love"
by Luther Vandross
from the album "Your Secret Love"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

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I'm reposting this one because it's a classic, one of my absolute favorites and one people still talk about to this day. If I didn't live this one I wouldn't believe it myself.

Enjoy.

Originally posted on September 11, 2007 10:15 AM
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I'm an advocate for online dating. I think it's great. Of course like any other kind of dating you should be careful about meeting strangers and you should be selective of who, when, where, and how long it will take before you are ready to meet somebody. On the other hand everyone is a stranger until you get to know them, right? To me meeting people online much better than getting dressed and going out to a club because it's free and you can do it in the privacy of your own home and talk to as many people as you want to one time and rejection is just a click of a mouse! All their info is on their profile, it's like ordering takeout. This series will focus on some of the not so good experiences I've had with online dating.
Enjoy.
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This has to be the absolute worst date I have ever had and I have had some bad ones, as you know. I wouldn't believe this story if I hadn't lived it myself.

I was online in the middle of the night at work about two years ago. I was talking to this guy. Unlike most guys I've talked to online he lived two states away. We talked online and over the phone for about a week. Things seemed to be going well considering the fact that we had only known each other for such a short period of time. Being the proactive person that I am I offered to take a bus to go out there where he was and stay over with him the next time I had a day off from work. He was delighted and anxious to meet me in person.

So a few days later I boarded a bus to go and meet him. Let's call him Long Distance Lover, LDL for short. Now you know LDL had to provide me with dayum near a magazine quality photo spread before I agreed to travel that far to meet him. My philosophy with photo spreads is this. Expect the person to look like their worst picture in the photo spread. If you can deal with that, then you can deal with the person. Remember, photos capture only a moment in time, a mere nanosecond of a person's existence, lighting and angles are everything. I always say if you meet anyone from online, the more photos the better.

LDL met me at the bus station once I arrived to his city. As I thought, he looked the most like his worst picture, which was okay. He wasn't drop dead gorgeous, but I wasn't about to use my return ticket right then either. We walked from there to his house. He'd already informed me that he lived with his mother who he told me was okay with my sleepover visit and his sexuality in general. You know I had to ask, I ain't that crazy.

When we reached LDL's place his mom was there, she was cooking at the time. I met her, she seemed very nice, but as much as I hate to speak ill of anyone's mother I have to say that LDL's mom didn't seem to be all there mentally. She seemed as though she had suffered through some type of mental problem or trauma in her past, she didn't seem dangerous, or scary though. She was very nice, warm and accommodating, she even offered me some of the dinner she was cooking. I ate and it was good. I had just gotten off work early that morning and I was really tired. LDL showed me to the room where I'd be sleeping and I took my clothes off and took a little nap.

I drifted in and out of sleep in LDL's bed unable to really get comfortable, number one because I was in another state in a strange bed, number two because everyone else in the house was still awake. LDL came up and and chilled with me for a while. I remember us messing around for a little bit but nothing significant happened. He left and went back downstairs and I drifted off back into my pseudo-sleep. In one of my more awake moments out of slightly opened eyes I saw his mother come into the room for a second, she did something and quickly left. I'm not sure exactly how much time had past but my fatigue had taken over and I finally fell asleep. I was awakened by the sound of LDL and his mother arguing from downstairs.

"Who's that naked man in my bed?"

LDL's mother yelled. He yelled back something indistinguishable. I'm laying there like 'What the fuck?' Still somewhere between awake and asleep hoping this shyt is some kinda crazy dream. I hear her yell again:

"Who's that naked man in my bed?"

'Oh shyt! This is fuckin' real! What the fuck is going on?' I thought. As I opened my eyes I noticed that the room was oddly feminine. Why the fuck would this nigga have me sleeping in his mother's bed? There are two bedrooms in the house. And does she not know what was going on? She was cool a little while ago. Then I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. I close my eyes and pretend like I'm asleep. LDL comes into the room, takes the phone and goes back downstairs. A few seconds later I hear LDL saying something like this:

"Hello, police....
My mother is here and I need her picked up.
She's mentally unstable and refuses to take her medication.
She has become violent."

'Oh hell fuckin' no! I gotta get outta here!' I thought as I sat up trying to devise a plan. Unfortunately there's only one exit and I can't get out without going past them and Lord only knows what's going on downstairs. Several minutes later I hear more footsteps coming up the stairs. I almost got whiplash I flung my head back down on that pillow so fast. LDL's mother comes into the room, takes me by my hand and leads down the stairs.

"See, this the naked man in my bed, I'm not crazy!"

LDL's mother said as I stood there dumbfounded in the middle of the living room floor in my boxers in front of her, LDL, and two police officers. Okay, the police have been called, this is officially the worst date ever.

"Go back upstairs!"
LDL yells at me.

"I don't understand why my son punkin' like this..."
LDL's mom says, nearly crying.

"Do you know this gentleman?"
The policeman on the left asks me.

"Yeah we're friends..."
I answer.

"I don't understand why my son punkin' like this..."
LDL's mom repeats.

"Go back upstairs!"
LDL yells at me again.

I'm 'bout tired of this nigga yellin' at me. It ain't my fault his mama crazy. He shoulda told me this shyt. This is the typa shyt you fuckin' tell a person before they travel to another state. I proceeded to go upstairs and start putting on my shyt. 'I'm getting the fuck outta here!' I thought. A few minutes later LDL comes upstairs and sees me getting ready to go.

"What you doin'?"

"Gettin' up outta here."
I answer.

"Why, why you leavin'?"

This nigga can't be serious.
"'Cuz I see Im' causing a problem here."

"Nah, it's aight. She's gone. They took her. You couldn't get back on a bus anyway now. The bus station is closed. So you mind as well stay until in the morning."

I look at my cell phone and notice that it's after one in the morning. Shyt! That bus station probably won't open until at least five or six. Once I realized I was stuck I undressed again and climbed back into bed with him. He tried to mess around with me but at that point I was still tired and really, really, really not in the mood. All I wanted to do was go home. He kept pressuring me though and we ended up doing a little something. I was so not into it though. Soon after we went to sleep. I totally regretted this whole thing and vowed to never travel this far for a date again. A few hours later we were awakened by a loud banging on the door.

"Let me in! Let me in!"

You guessed it, homegirl was back. I'm not sure how she got back but she was back. By this time it was a little after 5am and pouring raining outside. I'm laying there, totally not believing this shyt is happening to me. He went downstairs to let her in. He managed to find a way to calm her down and get her quiet. After that we switched rooms. Me and LDL were downstairs on the couch and his mother slept upstairs in her bed. That led me to ask him why the fuck we were in her bed to begin with. I also wondering what the hell fuckin' body they were hiding in that other bedroom? This whole thing was too weird for words. I was ready to go.

He explained to me that ever since his mother got sick they slept in the bed upstairs together, but tonight was different because I was here. She was scared to sleep alone. Touching story, violins playing, all that, but I wondered why he didn't bother telling me any of this before I got there. We didn't have to sleep together. I was totally fine chillin' with him and then sleeping alone on the couch. LDL coulda slept with his mother. I didn't mind, especially if it would have helped to avoid this mess. Oh yeah, and judging from his mother's reaction in front of the police LDL wasn't one hundred percent forthright with his mom about his sexuality. The nigga lied to me. So I was really over him now.

To give LDL the benefit of the doubt I guess he was tired of sleeping with his mom. He was a grown ass gay man with hormones and like the rest of us grown ass gay men I'm sure he wants to feel the touch of another man sometimes (all the time for some of us). Thankfully I have never been in the place to have to take care of a debilitated parent, I'm sure it's hard and on top of that he's all alone.

An alarm clock goes off, it's 9 am. LDL wakes up for work and asks me whether I wanted to go to work for a few hours with him or stay there as we were supposed to spend the day together. After last night I was so not into it anymore. In an effort to accelerate my escape back to New York I told him that I'd rather stay and that he could come back and scoop me up later. LDL leaves. Of course that means I was alone in the house with LDL's mother. She was upstairs asleep and this was my perfect opportunity to sneak out. In retrospect I shoulda just told his ass 'Yo mama crazy, I'm over this, I'm leaving.' But I really didn't wanna discuss this with him and I know he was already embarrassed enough after how his mom behaved the night before. I figured at the time that slipping out was the least dramatic way to handle things.

As I quietly slipped on the rest of my clothes. I realize that I left the olive green Lacoste polo I was wearing upstairs in the room. 'Oh well, fuck the shirt!' I thought as there was no way in hell I was going back up there. I heard LDL's mother come downstairs and start stirring around, of course that was my cue to pretend I was asleep again. Just then LDL called me on my cell phone. I didn't answer. He called again, and again, and again. Then he called the house phone there. His mother answers the phone. I realized that he was gonna ask her for me. The butterflies were fluttering like crazy in my stomach as I felt her presence come closer to me with the phone.

"It's for you."
She says to me leaning over the back of the pull out couch with the receiver in hand.

"Oh and I'm so sorry for last night, baby."
She continued, and flashed me the sincerest of smiles as I took the phone from her hand.

It was LDL. He was telling me that he was gonna send his friend to come pick me up in a little while. Little did he know my black ass was gonna be long gone before that happened. So after the conversation with LDL I snuck back upstairs to get my Lacoste polo. Shyt, mama was fine now I may as well get all my shyt before I bounce. As I quietly made my way out just inches from the doorknob. LDL's mother stops me.

"Excuse me baby, I was supposed to pick up a refill of these pills from the drug store. Can you get them for me baby?"

Is she fuckin' serious? This is the same woman that no more than ten hours ago dragged me in front of the police in my underwear like I was a common criminal. Now she wants me to do her favors like I'm the son she never had. Homegirl really is crazy. I was too close to getting the hell out of there to argue. She handed me the bottle of pills and I pretended to phone the pharmacy (without pressing any buttons on my cell phone, she didn't notice). After my fake conversation with the pharmacist I told her that they said she would have to come and pick up the medication herself.

And that was it. I was outside, I was free. I ran my black ass back to that bus station like I never ran before. I navigated the streets of that city like I had lived there my whole life. Thank God for my good memory and impeccable sense of direction. I didn't make one wrong turn. All the while LDL was blowing up my cell phone. I didn't answer and I was on the lookout for him as well. I wasn't in the mood to be nice, I wasn't in the mood to understand, I wasn't in the mood to explain, I just wanted to go home.

I finally got to the bus station. I found out that the next bus back to New York was leaving at 11am. By that time it was a little past 10. The bus station was all glass in front and I knew that LDL was probably looking for me. So I hid out in the back, obscured between the snack and soda vending machines until the bus arrived. I had never been so happy to see a bus in all my life. All during the ride back to New York LDL kept blowing up my phone. He had to have called like 20 times. I so didn't feel like talking to him.

The next day he called me again. This time I answered. He asked me whether I wanted to continue speaking to him as if not answering his four hundred and twenty-six phone calls weren't enough of a sign. I kindly told him that I did not want to continue speaking to him and I haven't heard from him ever since.

I feel for LDL as his situation was quite unfortunate. He should have told me about his circumstances before I came to visit him. I know it's a hard thing to tell someone that you hardly know but in this situation it was definitely necessary. He was a cool person, if he had told me about his mom I honestly would have understood and probably would have come to see him anyway. He also should have also not changed his routine with his mom so abruptly. I would have been cool adjusting to the way things were in their home. My presence was no reason to switch things up. Hopefully this experience taught LDL to tell people the full truth before inviting them over.

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Playing In The Background...
"Long Distance Love"
by Tamia
from the album "A Nu Day"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 03:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (9) | TrackBacks (0)

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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========

Hey y'all,

Sometimes we're so busy being gay and fabulous that sometimes we fail to think of how it affects our families, or does that even matter? Today's letter is from someone who has become the unofficial referee between their gay cousin and the rest of their family. Let's read.

Dear Adam,

I just found out that my cousin is gay. I don't want him to be ostracized from the family here in Atlanta. I don't care that he's gay (cause he is still a person) but hanging out with him is weird (I don't mean that in a condescending way). I don't want to stop hanging out with him, cause he is still a cool person. But I'm getting a little friction from my parents. I don't want him to think that because he's gay that I don't want to hang out with him. I'd hate for him to think that I am that petty. So I was wondering what should I do in this situation? Sorry if this email seems a little scattered. I'd really love to know what you think.

- StrAighTL

StrAighTL, this is gonna be a hard question to answer, not due to the nature of it, but due to the fact that you have left out so many details, so I'm gonna have to make some assumptions here. Because you said that hanging out with your gay male cousin is "weird" I'm gonna assume that you are male, as a female wouldn't traditionally be as freaked out by such a thing, I'm gonna also assume that you both are relatively young because of your inclusion of your parents disapproval as a factor. With that said let's dig into this.

I wanted to start by thanking you for pointing out that gay people are still people. We, the millions of gays all around the world appreciate that sentiment from the very bottom of our lavender bejeweled hearts. (LOL You asked for that.) All sarcasm aside, the best thing you can do for your cousin is to of course continue love and support him. Especially since I'm assuming you guys are still relatively young and he's probably just now really coming out. For example, one of my male cousins down south (who's as straight as straight can get) just recently found out that I was gay, actually via my blog and he hit me up to let me know that he supports me no matter what. That meant a lot even to someone like me who's an old pro at this whole gay thing so I know your support means that much more to your cousin.

As far as the weirdness thing is concerned, yes as a straight male hanging out with a gay male and vice versa there is a possibility that things can get weird sometimes, but that's all within you guys' control. Fortunately for you both your association with each other isn't something that you were both just thrown into yesterday, you're family and your bond is much deeper than sexuality. As far as conversation goes you'd treat conversation with him like anyone else who was attracted to the opposite sex you are (you liking girls and him liking boys). Would you talk to your sister or straight female cousin about the guy she fucked last night or the girl you wanna fuck tonight? No, because it'd be weird. That sexual stuff is the type of thing you'd talk to your guy friends about and that he'd talk to his gay friends about. There's much more to life than sex and if that particular subject is something you guys don't really touch on, then so what? You guys don't have that in common but you have so many other things in common, like liking Grandma's sweet potato pies and banana puddings and the drunk-ass aunt and her thieving-ass son y'all both can't stand, you know, stuff like that. The dynamic of you guys' relationship is alll up to you two. All you must always do is to always be honest with each other. Remember you are always gonna be his cousin, so you don't necessarily need to be his best friend. Trust me, in Atlanta there's more than enough gay people for him to be best buddies with.

As far as your parents are concerned, like most parents their primary vested concern is for you, their kid, even over that of their nephew. And like a good amount of older straight people they seem pretty ignorant of the whole gay thing and just don't want it to "happen" to their kid by any means necessary. If that means keeping you away from your cousin in hopes that the gay germ doesn't get into you, as absolutely ridiculous as it sounds and is, the end justifies the means for them. Your job now would be to remind that you are who you are, and that that has nothing to do with what your cousin does in his bedroom and that they should unconditionally love and support your cousin just as you have. And if you feel like it, take the extra step of reassuring them (especially your father) that being around your cousin isn't gonna diminish your love for the coochie. He's their nephew, they'll come around, at least part of the way, eventually.

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Family"
by Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Hudson, Beyoncé Knowles, Keith Robinson, and Anika Noni Rose
from the "Dreamgirls (Motion Picture Soundtrack)"
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PS: I love it that straight men read my blog. I never really expected it and I'm still not sure why but it's cool nevertheless. If you are a straight man who reads this blog I'd appreciate it if you send me and email telling me how you discovered my blog, why you continue to read it and what you get from it.

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========

Hey y'all,

Today's letter addresses an age old problem which I'm sure we've all been on both sides of, neither side is a piece of cake so let's get right to it.

Dear Adam,

Well, I have a problem. I started talking to this dude a while ago. It's been about two months now. We were just friends first and then he wanted to start "talking". Well we did that and we went on one date if you want to call it a date. We just went to the movies. Well we used to talk all the time and now he just wants to text and he says he doesn't like to talk on the phone now. I feel like I am holding on to something that I should not be. I like him a lot but I am starting to think we need to just be friends or not talk at all. I need help. How should I handle this? Should I just let it go?

- Confused, But Not Really

Awww damn. I know exactly what this is. Your overall question is "Should you just let it go?" In a word, yes. In two words, hell yes. I'm gonna tell you why. It seems as though this dude you're talking to has gotten in a little over his head with you. People often fail to realize that the jump from the placid waters of 'lake friendship' into the fast moving 'relationship rapids' is a big one. The reason why we, especially as gay men can have friendships that last forever, but on the other hand change boyfriends like we change underwear is that our romantic relationships are usually very volatile as we put a lot of ourselves into them, usually very quickly. Ever notice how it took you a year to realize that you love your best friend and a month to tell your ex that you loved him? If our friend does something to offend us it's much easier to be mad for a while, cuss them out, tell them about themselves, laugh it off and move on than it is with a boyfriend because for some reason we can accept that our friends are human and therefore imperfect and can make mistakes from time to time, but we place lofty, unrealistic standards on our potential romantic partners that they MUST live by and if for some reason they falter our feelings are hurt and we're over them (underwear change). For some reason we expect every new boyfriend to bear the burdens and correct all of our damage from our past relationships. Ever notice how we'll have an unattractive friend and love the hell out of them, but we'd rather be alone before we date an unattractive guy? (That's so me.) Ever notice how we are all looking for the "perfect guy" but you never really hear anyone say that they're looking for the "perfect friend". We trim, prune and cultivate our friendships yet we expect our relationships to come ready to wear, pressed and perfectly tailored.

I digressed a little, but I've said all that to say this. From your letter it seems as though that movie date was the turning point. One of these or a combination of these two things has most likely happened and having to say this is where it gets hard for me as the person you came to for advice, but here we go. Either something you did on that date turned him off, something that was acceptable from a friend but unacceptable from a partner ('cuz remember the standards changed) or there's someone else who's come around (or has been around all along that has just now become available) that he's more interested in and seems to fit his standards better.

It seems as though he still wants to keep you as a friend though and is just too pussy to tell you that he's fucked up by trying to take things to the next level without being sure of what he really wanted to do in the first place, hoping that as a result of his gradual pushing you away (this he only just wants to just text now all of a sudden bullshit) that you become disinterested and stop pursuing the relationship and hopefully find someone else. A few weeks of not really talking while he's doing his thing with the new person (or even alone) and you getting over it or finding a new person that you get so wrapped up in that you forget all about how he strung you along and played with your emotions, would make things so that you then can both eventually laugh the whole thing off and be ki ki sisters again... I don't think so, life don't work like that buddy. Your friend (and I'm using the term loosely) is a non-confrontational pussy that's trying to have his cake and eat it too, or rather has taken a bite out of some cake, that didn't really taste like he thought it would and is trying to get a new piece of cake without spending any money, cheap bastard!

I would say for you not to let him get away with this, but I'm not gonna send you out on the attack after him like some desperate bitch, we won't have that. Unfortunately, or maybe not so unfortunately you may have to count this one as a loss. He fucked your friendship up and he's gonna have to fix it. Either way, you're gonna have to move on with your life. Stop calling him, if he calls or texts you, answer, but don't keep initiating obviously bothersome contact. Let him go. Deep down inside you know it's the best thing to do, that's the real reason why you wrote me this letter. There's no point in badgering him and making yourself look stupid and desperate. You already see what it is and where he's at so you gotta do what's best for you now. Go somewhere and heal, it shouldn't take too long, 'cuz y'all haven't been talking that long and just when he thinks it's safe to come around again, 'cuz more than likely he will. Confront him and ask him why he played you the way he did. He's gonna gag at the fact that you haven't forgotten. Don't count on this vindication though, there is a possibility that he may never speak to you again after you stop initiating contact. Either way you haven't lost anything, but yet another scatterbrained homosexual and don't we have enough of those floating around anyway?

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

PS: And for the love of Marc Jacobs please tell me that you didn't have sex with him... If so add another week to the recovery process.

PPS: The prospect of a relationship is NEVER usually worth losing a friend, no matter how sexy your friend is. I've learned this the hard way too many times. Just because you're cool with someone and are attracted to them that does mean that you have to be together. FRIENDSHIP IS OKAY!

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Playing In The Background...
"Be Mine!"
by Robyn
from the album "Robyn"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 02:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

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The members of UK girl group Girls Aloud on the cover of their 19th single "The Promise"
Left to right: Nicola Roberts, Nadine Coyle, Kimberley Walsh, Cheryl Tweedy-Cole (lying down), Sarah Harding
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Anybody who knows me or even talks to me for more than five minutes knows that I LOVE music and the music that I love is hardly restricted to American pop and R&B acts. I love a lot of European and other international acts and one of my absolute favorites is the UK girl-pop quintet Girls Aloud. This is actually my second posting about them (click here to check out my first). I've only met about three other people here in the US who've ever heard of them as you have to be really into music to know about them because they have never released any music for the US markets, but they're great. The only thing close to a US appearance for them was when one of their members, Cheryl Tweedy-Cole was featured on will.i.am's song "Heartbreaker" and appeared in the video. Also, all of the members were individually listed in FHM Magazine's list of the "100 Sexiest Women In The World 2008" with Tweedy-Cole ranking highest at number 7.

Their overall sound is a cross between the pop sound of US quintets The Pussycat Dolls (Except less slutty, I love PCD just as much as the next fag, but c'mon, they plainly come off as sluts, cute sluts, but sluts nevertheless. If Nicole rubs her body any harder in their next video she'll catch on fire.) and some of the poppier, more techno-ish R&B of Danity Kane's latest album. Style-wise they eclipse them both as their look is way more high fashion couture than their American contemporaries. They started in the UK in 2002 as a result of being winners of an American Idol-type reality program over there and have since been heralded by the Guiness Book of World Records as the "Most Successful Reality TV Group". They also hold the record for the longest string of consecutive UK Top 10 hits as all 18 of their singles have reached the UK Top 10. So yeah, you don't know them over here, but they are HUGE across the pond. I fell in love with them after discovering their third album "Chemistry" in 2005. What allured me about them was the striking high fashion-esque photography on the album cover. I found the album online (as that's the only way to get their albums here in the US) I listened and the rest is history.

"The Promise" is their 19th single and the first from their yet untitled fifth studio album slated to be released in November. I love this song! Unlike their usual euro-pop, pop-rockish sound, they take things old school recalling 60's pop (yes they're even doing the neo-retro thing in the UK too, they actually started the trend, Amy Winehouse much?) and mixing it with today's hook heavy pop sensibilities to create a catchy upbeat song that will most likely shoot up the UK charts like every one of their previous singles. It's only been out three days and is already receiving positive feedback over there. The song features live instruments and a slight modulation after the bridge, two of my most favorite things I like to hear in music. Total eargasm. The retro concept of the video. Total eyegasm.

So check out their new video:

Girls Aloud "The Promise"

And while you're at it check out their last video "Can't Speak French"

For more info on and pictures of Girls Aloud and a chance to hear more of their music check out my other post about them here.

Also check out their official website: GirlsAloud.co.uk

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Playing In The Background...
"The Promise"
by Girls Aloud"
from their yet untitled fifth studio album
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 07:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

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This is one of those posts that I've been thinking long and hard about writing. I've been so deep in thought about it because I'd be stating my honest opinion, mostly venting about shit that gets on my motherfuckin' natural black nerves and I fully know and realize going in, unlike most times where I don't know and realize going in that I'm gonna offend someone. It's been in the back of my mind for the last week or so and I've been weighing out the pros and cons, stewing in my own mental juices thinking of the things that annoy me, about men, and dating, and this whole war, and the Obama/McCain/Palin and the other guy bullshit, the mental steam building looking for a way in which to escape. Yesterday and today when someone and someone else did two of the things that drive me absolutely crazy, the latter person asked me for my opinion of his actions. I saw it as a sign. Fuck it, it's my blog. I'ma say what I want, whoever doesn't like it doesn't have to read it. Shit, that's what the "comments" section is for. I gotta let some stuff out and I may even educate or inform someone in the process. This thought process is actually the birth of a series of posts that I've titled: ""Well, Since You Asked..." Adam's Opinion On:"

-Adam
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Today's Subject: Online Dating, Tongue Rings and Mohawks

Usually when someone hits me up online and I'm not attracted to them I don't bother to reply to them. No response means you're not interested, that goes vice versa, it's like the cardinal unspoken online rule. You hit someone up, they don't hit you back, obviously they're obviously not interested and you move on. Like Mama said, if you nothing nice to say, just shut the fuck up.

Someone hit me up yesterday, let's call him Onlineus (ahn-len-ee-yus). I saw his pictures, I wasn't interested, he wasn't totally unattractive, but I had my reasons for not being into him, and I didn't bother hitting him back. Here goes:

September 23rd, 2008:

300p - Onlineous: "wats up sexc ! how are u doing ?"

I looked at his pictures. I wasn't really into them. I didn't reply back, moved on with my life and eventually logged out of the website. Nine hours later he hit me back up again. I guess Onlineous was absent on the day they handed out the rulebook:

September 24th, 2008:

1215a - Onlineous: "yo i am that ugly to u"

See, this annoys me. Okay so, Onlineous hit me up and I did not hit Onlineus back. He sees that I did not hit him back and obviously he took the extra step of going into his sent messages to confirm that. Why would he then hit me back after that? Like, doesn't he get the hint? To ask me whether I think he's "that ugly"... what? That shows me lack of confidence and that is soooo not sexy. Onlineous described himself as "very cute" on his page so who gives a fuck what I think? He doesn't know me, he's never met me. I'm just a man who lives in the computer screen to him at this point and I plan to remain that way. I was annoyed and planned to continue to ignore him, but I guess since he saw that I was back online his messaging continued:

1220a - Onlineous: "wats up"

Okay I'm gonna need to nip this thing in the bud. He wasn't ugly and I didn't want him to think that that's what I thought of him. Usually I would have just kept ignoring his ass but that obviously isn't gonna work. I decided to try something different and just be totally honest with him. Oh, why the fuck not? What gave I got to lose? Ignoring his ass ain't enough to get him to leave me alone:

1225a - Adam: "It's not like ur particularly ugly or anything I just hate tongue rings. I think they're incredibly gross. They turn me off. Especially when people take those pictures with their tongues sticking out to show the world that they have volunteered to have someone put a needless hole and a tacky ass metal bar in their tongue, displaying their folly proudly like that shit is cute. Yuk! I can't stand it. What professional career can you have with that thing in your mouth? Who would hire you? This is what I was thinking when I saw your pictures. I would have normally kept my feelings to myself but you asked so here it is. No offense, remember, you asked."

Okay so I went off a little. He was annoying me, but dammit he needed to know the truth. I don't feel that what I said was coming from an evil, or mean place. I just told him the whole truth, exactly what I thought of what I saw. He asked my opinion and I told him. He wasn't ugly, actually I don't like to call anyone ugly, we're all God's creations so who am I to make that judgment, but I just can't stand tongue rings and I didn't want to just leave it there. I wanted to be thorough and tell him why. You'd think that this would be the last of the correspondence, but no:

1235a - Onlineous: "ok !"

1240a - Onlineous: "good nite"

About 10 hours later:

1030a - Onlineous: "hi"

Even all that wasn't enough to keep him away. Go figure. This is a great segue into the second thing I can't stand, tongue rings. There may be someone reading this now who is twirling a metal bar and some sort of multicolored plastic ball in their mouths and I'm sorry if I have offended you and I'm sorry to have to reiterate it this way but that shit is just not cute. That shit wasn't even cute like in '99 - 2000 when the shit was supposed to be cute and was lauded by it's own theme song "Lem-lemme see, lemme see, lemme see ya tongue ring..." by the Academy Award winning rap group Three 6 Mafia (and you wonder why I stopped watching Award shows). If you are not a stripper or don't have the suffix "teen" at the end of your age you ain't got no business with no damn tongue ring in your mouth. Love it or hate it, but that's my opinion.

And then there's the mohawk. I don't have an iron clad rationale behind my hate of the mohawk except that it's just a rebellious fad that has collapsed upon itself. The first time I saw a mohawk was in the 80's, watching Mr. T on "The A Team". The staunch and proper 80's were the backlash of the free love and reckless abandon of the 60's and 70's, Reaganomics, the war on drugs, AIDS, shoulder pads, "Dynasty" and such and here goes this nigga Mr. T with this strip down the middle of his head. He was a renegade, cool to watch but everyone in the hood wasn't gonna cut their hair just like him.

Fast forward to November 2003, P. Diddy runs the New York City Marathon, "Diddy Runs The City" he touted it, all to raise money for children. He appeared on Oprah after the marathon, toe bloody sneakers and all (ala Whoopi Goldberg in "The Long Walk Home") sporting a mohawk. I guess it was his attempt at being aerodynamic. From then on there was a surge in mohawk wearage, negroes in barbershops all around the country wanting to be like Diddy, even after Diddy himself let the haircut go. A year or so later the fad kinda died down and now it's back in full swing with the homos seemingly leading the way with it this time, making it so commonplace that all of the rebelliousness of it has gone away, now it's just another haircut. A monkey see, monkey do fad that unlike the Parasuco, colorful stripe down the side jean fad of '96-'97 (ugh!) just doesn't seem to be going away.

My other issue with the mohawk is this. If you're gonna have that thing atop your head the least you can do is keep the shit up. Nothing is worse than seeing an overgrown, un-taken care of mohawk, the epitome of tacky. If you are reading this blog post and are running your fingers through a bush of hair down the middle of your otherwise bald head just ask yourself why you have done this to yourself? Is this what you really wanted or have you done this because you saw someone else with it and thought it was cute. At the end of the day, this is just one person's opinion, do what you want but if you hit me up online you won't have to wonder why I didn't hit you back.

Remember, this is MY opinion and once you hit the close button at the top of your web browser, "Poof!" it's gone.

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Playing In The Background...
"Tongue Ring"
by Three 6 Mafia
from the album "When the Smoke Clears: Sixty 6, Sixty 1"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (9) | TrackBacks (0)

Hey Y'all,

Check out my interview with the Hot Boyz, not the New Orleans rappers Baby and Mannie Fresh, but the infamous crew of gay party throwing socialites based here in New York City. I was approached to do this interview a while back by one of my friends over at BET, TV producer Carlos King as an introduction to an independent project he's putting together. Basically, he followed the Hot Boyz, shooting footage over the past year to be pitched as a reality show on a TV network. These two videos posted below are an introduction of this project and an interview with two of the Boyz' founding members. I'm conducting the interview.

Check them out, part 1 and part 2.

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Playing In The Background....
"Hot Boy" feat. Dre
by Christina Milian
from the album "So Amazin'"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

When your fucking or jerking or sucking or whatever it is you do and the time comes for your partner, friend, boyfriend, best friend's boyfriend, milkman, mailman, or random stranger you meet off the internet-man to cum. Where do you like for him to cum? Thither or hither, wither or neither, be it a blasting cum shot or a dribbling slither?

When I first started fucking around I used to have a problem with cum. I thought it was nasty, slimy, sticky and disgusting. I didn't even like the feeling of my own cum on me when I jerked off. The first time I had sex and another dude came on me I felt like my skin was on fire. I couldn't get that shit off me fast enough. As time marched on I got somewhat used to it but it's still not my favorite thing in the world. As a top I don't have to worry about it much except when a bottom is riding me and then he cums all over my chest, but I make an exception for that because that shit is hot. Then there are the people that are into facials. I've given a few in my day and it's hot to be able to cum all over your partner's face. It speaks to the most animalistic part of us as males, marking our territory if you will. Now has a nigga ever nutted on my face...? HELL NO. There's nothing wrong with it, obviously, but it's just not for me. Well, there was this one time I got my dick sucked so good that when I nutted I nutted so far I hit my eyebrow. That was the first and only time cum has touched ever my face and it was mine, so I guess it doesn't count.

Then there's the swallowing thing. There are some people who like to swallow. I swallowed once. The only reason why I did it was because there was no other place for it to go. A few years ago me and this guy I was dating were in a movie theatre sucking each other off. I was sucking him and suddenly and this stuff filled my mouth. I panicked, I hadn't planned for that to happen. I didn't know what else to do so I swallowed it. Totally fucking gross.

I find that when I'm fucking and I'm about to cum the person will often ask me. "Where you wanna bust that nutt daddy?" In fact I remember this one time I was with this one guy and all he wanted me to do was nutt in his face and once I did he got really excited and busted his nut everywhere. Nothing is hotter that cumming on someone who really wants it. On his ass or his face or his chest or his lips, it's all hot. But, no matter where he wants me to cum, as long as he treats me right when it's all over I'll keep cumming back for more.

How do you feel about cum?

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Playing In The Background...
"Epiphany"
by Jill Scott
from the album " The Real Thing: Words And Sounds Vol. 3"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 04:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (11) | TrackBacks (0)

There's another new blogger in town.

Check out my friend, fine artist and photographer Ricky Day's (aka Mr. Man's) blog, "Urban Pop Life" where he'll give insights on life and showcase some of his work.

Check it out at: URBANPOPLIFE.net

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Playing In The Background...
"Stepping Stone"
by Duffy
from the album "Rockferry"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I want to introduce you guys to ETERNAL BACHELOR, the new T-Shirt line by Designer Fohat Patrick Aird.

Be sure to check out his new line and all the hot models he's got posing for it.

The coolest thing about the website though is that I designed it. ;)

Check it out: ETERNALBACHELOR.com

And after you're finished checking out the models, buy a shirt or two. LOL

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Playing In The Background...
"Sucka For Love"
by Danity Kane
from the album "Welcome To The Dollhouse"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

You know, being a blogger, putting out blog posts, is like being a musician or and actor putting out a new album or a new movie. Of course you hope that people are gonna like it, although you know some won't. Your greatest hope though is that whether people agree with, like or hate it or you that they at least understand where you're coming from. Unfortunately in the case of Sunday's post ""Oh Girl"/Oh What A Tangled Web We Weave... Especially When Ya A** Gets Caught In It Tryna Be Slick.../Lying 101" many of you just didn't understand my rationale.

I'll briefly summarize that post. It was the story of a guy I met late last Friday night. We met up, we chilled, we seemed to like each other and we made a tentative date for the next day. After confirming that date he contacted me soon after via a suspicious sounding text message to cancel the date. I became suspicious due to the language he used in the text that more than likely he was postponing on me for another date and tried to conceal it with a flimsy cover story because it's something I'd done many times before. Our subsequent text message exchanges that evening confirmed my suspicions so much so that I even caught him in the lie. He's a juggler, but I'm an even better one. For the purposes of this blog I republished and examined our exchange here to illustrate how I knew that he was lying and what steps he could have taken to make his lie better.

The blog post was a social experiment of sorts and was not meant to be an illustration of how deep my feelings were for him. What feelings? At that time we'd only met 36 hours ago. The post was a dissection of human behavior in general with the use of his words, his existence as a living, breathing person and possible life partner wasn't really important in the post. I wanted to show how someone who came to me saying that they wanted to settle down, giving the impression that they were tired of games, went and played a game less than 24 hours later. The post was meant to show that irony.

I thought that my intentions were in clear view but I quickly learned from the comments I received that they weren't. I received a litany of comments whose overall message was that I was over analyzing the situation, playing games, being overly emotional and that I shouldn't have put so much mental investment into him. Someone even questioned my maturity and went so far as to say that my writing of the post showed him my age. As the comments kept rolling in, all basically in the same vein, this deeply troubled me. I thought to myself 'Are they reading this whole thing? 'Cuz they are just not getting it.' I actually kinda felt bad for a second, my blog is my baby. It's like having a baby and everyone saying it's ugly. Okay, that was a little dramatic but you get the point, it bothered me.

This morning, my redemption finally came. The fourteenth and last commenter on that post before I started writing this one post got it. This is what that commenter said:

First of all, Adam, the first half of this was funny as hell.

I have a different view than most of the above commenters who may not get what you were attempting to do here.

In a nutshell, you have a lightening fast mind. You sized up the situation instantly and correctly - which is quite different from someone trying to figure out what the hell happened after the fact, then analyzing it to death to get the correct answer. The difference is seen in a math class: some kids catch on quick, while others are still stuck on Question #1.

What you did here, in this post, was take a snapshot of common situation and broke it down as a social scientist or attorney would. This was an excellent "teaching post" about lying, lying poorly, lying well, and spotting a lie.

This is what many of your readers failed to notice or appreciate. They're stuck on the event, not seeing the bigger picture of how it applies to numerous situations including politics.

You had a number of jewels sprinkled in the post, such as:

...you can't juggle a juggler. I invented that shit.

...I'ma have to teach this nigga how to lie. This shit is pitiful, almost painful to watch, yet funny.

Rookie lie mistake, too many details... The more details you put into a lie the more details you then have to be responsible for.

In order to make someone else believe a lie you have to believe it first. His mistake was that he didn't believe his own lie and that he needed to validate it in his own mind by reciting details to me.

...put more emphasis into engaging the person [you're] lying to than into explaining [yourself].

For someone to be a decent liar they must first understand the truth. The thing that people need to understand about the truth is that the truth just is. There's no need to explain the truth.

...he didn't lie to validate me, he lied to validate himself.

Now, Adam, my dear Adam, I ain't gonna get into whether you should or shouldn't see this guy again. That shit is off the radar in terms of what's important.

Waz that? You gotta helluva first class mind. I don't know if you're in school, got a degree, or what your career aspirations are, but baby boy, you could make a mint off of brilliance.

If you ever become a criminal attorney, other attorneys would fear your fucking name if they had to go up against you in court.

Hell, if you got a business, marketing or finance degree, oh shit, you'd be rich. You figure out scams quick and I think you'd be able to follow the mind and find the cheese.

This country is changing by the hour. When the smoke clears in about ten years, if you've been working your God-given talents, yo black azz could run for a public office and win.

Whatevah you do, I hope you can mobilize yourself to put your genius where it's gonna pay off big time.

There's always gonna be a Rufus; they're a dime a dozen and fun to pass the time with. BTW, I don't think he insulted your intelligence by lying, he just wasn't sharp enough to know you were sharper. When you look back over life, who the fuck was?

If you can count 'em on one or two hands, you in the wrong neighborhood and playing the wrong game. That suggests that it's time to leave the pond, dive in ocean and play with the big boyz on the university and pro level.

You'll find mentors, too, who will nurture and help you cuz you got some talents that can't be bought nor taught. I hope you can seize the moment while you're young. I think you can, if you want it bad enough.

Good luck, my friend. I'm rooting for you.

Kit (Keep It Trill)
http://keepittrill.blogspot.com

She (yes she, she's a woman) summed up my intentions beautifully. Upon further inspection of her blog I learned that she has a master's degree in social work and currently works as a social worker and mental health therapist, no wonder she broke it down so keenly. Granted, her comment was filled with compliments to me (Thanks, I'm a Leo, flattery gets you everywhere with us) I appreciate it most because reading her comment felt as though she walked into my brain and started posting things on a blackboard for all to see. She was the first commenter to understand my intent.

You guys can check out her blog at http://keepittrill.blogspot.com

So do y'all understand now what I was getting at? This shit ain't about Rufus' lying ass. He is what he is. I'll deal with him later, if I choose to do so. The original post was an illustration of irony and a lesson on lying. The most rewarding thing about it all though was that it fostered thought and discussion and that's the overall point of my blog is anyway. And far as me being analytical, that's what I'm here for. I'm a writer, a blogger, an artist if you will. I analyze things. I'll tell you all what I told someone else regarding this post and my overall purpose:

"If I didn't pay stuff like this any mind then I'd have nothing to write about. Although this [and a lot of things about dating and meeting people] isn't the biggest deal in the world. Taking stuff like this, breaking it down and making it cerebral makes for a good read. Art is achieved when you can take everyday things and pull from them something deeper. Andy Warhol made a whole career of it."
-Adam Benjamin Irby

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Playing In The Background...
"In Person"
by the Pussycat Dolls
from the album "Doll Domination"
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Addendum: This post is not to say that the first commenters to the original post are wrong and that I'm right. There are no rights or wrongs here, there never have been. I just wanted to make sure that my intent was fully understood.

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 10:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (9) | TrackBacks (0)

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First of all I wanna start this post off by posting a song, "Oh Girl" by Raphael Saddiq feat Jay-Z, off his new album "The Way I See It". Let it play while you're reading the blog post. Although the subject matter of the song has nothing to do with the story I'm about to tell, it's just been the soundtrack of my day as I've been playing it nonstop since I first heard it this afternoon, or rather yesterday afternoon since it's after 4am now. Although I can't get with everything Mr. Saddiq does he's definitely a musical genius and this song proves it. This song, the whole record actually is on some Frankie Lyman, Smokie Robinson, Chi-Lites typa shit. So imagine Jay-Z on a track like that and murdering it. Raphael Saddiq doesn't even sound like himself singing it. It's crazy. Check it out. Let it play as you read. I love it. It makes me feel like a pimp or an old skool player. LOL **sings** "Ooh girl..."

Click on the player below to play:

"Oh Girl"
by Raphael Saddiq feat. Jay-Z
from the album "The Way I See It"

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It's 930a now. I had to take a nap.

Aight. So I met this guy late Friday night, let's call him Rufus. Unlike most guys I meet he was on some 'I'm ready for a relationship' type shit. His online profile actually said something like 'I wanna find a dude who will give me a reason to delete this profile'. To a dude like me who despite all of my sex-capades would like very much to settle with Mr. Right this sounds great and he was fine too. And unlike most of my dates he was my age, y'all know I'm notoriously known for dating guys younger than me (but still legal of course), what can I say, I like 'em a young, they're usually not jaded-ass queens like a lot of the guys my age and older. On top of that he lived relatively close to me, a few blocks from of my best friend's houses so I was in his area all the time, and had newly moved back to NYC, so he was easy to get to and wasn't in the current NYC black gay scene, so the chance of sexual overlap with one of my friends was minimal. If someone was to be the quote-unquote "perfect" guy for me, it was him, at least on paper.

So we chill at Rufus' place, we talk and realize that we have a lot in common, favorite TV shows, movies, we even have the same phone. His body was bangin', he had the most perfect ass ever and the way he moaned all throughout our foreplay was driving me crazy. We ended up having sex that night and he wasn't even all weird about it. Like I said, perfect. I'm like ready to marry this dude. I even asked him that night "So what's the catch?" I didn't want to be so skeptical about everything but it was so hard to believe that Mr. Right, or rather someone so right for me, with so many of the characteristics I'm looking for in a mate would just come into my life out of nowhere like this.

So Saturday morning, yesterday morning we wake up and I asked Rufus whether he wanted to see me again, 'cuz I'm still not quite believing all of this. He said yeah. We actually made tentative plans to see each other later that day that we would confirm a few hours later. I'll let the text messages tell the rest of the story and I'll sprinkle my sidebar comments throughout.

Saturday, September 13th, 2008:

502p - Rufus: "What u doing?"

545p - Adam: "Whaddup? I was just thinking about u. Believe it or not I'm finally just getting to the gym. U wanna catch a movie tonight?"

549p - Rufus: "Where and when?"

552p - Adam: "Tonight I guess like 9-ish. I'll meet u at ur place. I'll buy a newspaper and get times n shyt. I'll call u when I leave the gym. I should be outta here in 45. By the way I had a great time w u last night. Ur a kewl guy and sexy as hell. ;)"

600p - Rufus: "Thanks I had a great time also."

623p - Rufus: "Can we go tomorrow. My bestfriend just called me and I had invited him over last week but just heard from him. Was not sure if he could make it since I had not heard from him. Sorry."

Sidebar: This nigga must have went and found him another date he wants to see tonight. He really thinks I'm stupid or something, he's obviously juggling, but lemme not be a jaded queen and give him the benefit of the doubt. I'll play along. But you can't juggle a juggler. I invented that shit. I'm tight that now I gotta, make alternate plans because this nigga got another date. Fuck it, I was gonna see "The Women" tonight whether I saw it with him or not. I know it sounds like I'm jumping to a conclusion but I'ma let y'all know how I know he was lying and the critical rookie mistake he made in telling this particular lie.

625p - Adam: "Aight, I guess tomorrow then. :("

Sidebar: He has lost SO many points with me. If this were "Wheel Of Fortune" he would have just spun the wheel and landed on "bankrupt" right now.

626p - Rufus: "Sorry, definitely tomorrow. An afternoon date, we could even have brunch and then a movie or movie and a meal LOL"

706p - I get out of the gym and call him. Voicemail. I don't do voicemail. Suspicions further confirmed.

1041p - I call again as I'm on my way to Mr. Man's house to meet up with our other boys to head out to the movie. He answers. I ask what he's doing and he tells me he's just chilling with his best friend. I let him know that I'm heading out to the movies with my boys and that I didn't want to interrupt them and that I'd holla lata.

Sunday, September 14th, 2008:

I text him during the movie:

1:29a - Adam: "What u doin?"

132a - Rufus: "Layin down"

132a - Adam: "Are u alone?"

134a - Rufus: "Yes"

135a - Adam: "Can I snuggle w u tonite? I promise I'll be a good boy... :)"

138a - Rufus: "Lol. My best friend is here just sleeping on the couch. I am just alone in my room."

Sidebar: Lies. And a bad one at that. I'ma have to teach this nigga how to lie. This shit is pitiful, almost painful to watch, yet funny. This, by the way is the catch.

141a - Adam: "But u still didn't answer my question..."

142a - Rufus: "Lol. See u tomorrow night."

Sidebar: Nice try, but even being dismissive won't get you out of this one. Being evasive is something you should have tried two lies ago. Lemme nip this thing in the bud right now.

146a - Adam: ":) R u on a date?"

Sidebar: 16 minutes later...

202a - Adam: ":)"

Thought so. Mr. Rufus got the game all fucked up. He was tryna juggle but he made a few fatal errors. See this is the thing y'all. I'm a Leo, so with that comes the propensity to be a pretty decent liar. What makes me an even better liar than the average Leo is the fact that I don't like to lie and that I have a really good memory, especially of details. Lemme tell you where Rufus went wrong and how he could have actually gotten away with this if he played his cards right.

Rufus' first mistake was made at 623p Saturday evening. How did I know immediately that he was telling me a lie. He said to me:

"Can we go tomorrow. My bestfriend just called me and I had invited him over last week but just heard from him. Was not sure if he could make it since I had not heard from him. Sorry."

Rookie lie mistake, too many details. When telling the truth details confirm innocence, when telling a lie they only fuel suspicion. The more details you put into a lie the more details you then have to be responsible for. A better lie for him to tell would have been:

"My best friend is going through something with his boyfriend, he's all crying and shit. I really need to be there for him tonight. I know that this is short notice and I'm really sorry to do this to you, but can we reschedule for tomorrow? I promise I'll make it up to you. :)"

Why is my lie better than his? See, I put more emphasis into engaging the person I'm lying to than I did into explaining myself. For someone to be a decent liar they must first understand the truth. The thing that people need to understand about the truth is that the truth just is. There's no need to explain the truth. If my best friend was indeed going through something with his boyfriend then that is what it is, no need to validate it with details, instead I need to validate the person I'm canceling on to insure that I can get together with him tomorrow while still being able to do what I wanted to do tonight. In order to make someone else believe a lie you have to believe it first. His mistake was that he didn't believe his own lie and that he needed to validate it in his own mind by reciting details to me. I just met him yesterday. I didn't need to know that he invited his friend over last week, I didn't even know him last week. Why did he tell me that his friend was coming over to his house, I didn't need to know that, that's none of my business, he didn't owe me that much of an explanation. For all I know he could have been going to his friend's house. By leaving things open that way my mind could not latch on to anything specific about the story to create a mental case against him. With minimal details I have no choice but to believe whatever he tells me. Those details aren't totally needless though, he should have rehearsed them in his mind and created a mental back story, so that he could be sharp just in case of questioning and he then would have had more confidence in the lie he was planning to tell me.

He tried to validate me two minutes later when he said:

"Sorry, definitely tomorrow. An afternoon date, we could even have brunch and then a movie or movie and a meal LOL"

But it was already too late. And laughing, even "LOL" via text message screams nervousness.

His second mistake:

1:29a - Adam: "What u doin?"

132a - Rufus: "Layin down"

Number one, he should have never answered my text. Again, being vague is the key to lying. By him answering my text I knew that he was awake and where he was. If he had never answered I wouldn't have known where he was or what he was doing and again, I would have had no choice to believe whatever he told me. If you are with one date and another date texts or calls you DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE! My only explanation for why he answered was because the date obviously wasn't going so great. If you're with another date at 130 in the morning and you're answering my text the other date certainly must not be all that.

132a - Adam: "Are u alone?"

134a - Rufus: "Yes"

Number two, he should have never answered this question either, although he really had no choice at his point, all it did was build my case against him.

135a - Adam: "Can I snuggle w u tonite? I promise I'll be a good boy... :)"

138a - Rufus: "Lol. My best friend is here just sleeping on the couch. I am just alone in my room."

Not only is he answering my questions and giving me details of his where and whatabouts but he just caught himself in a lie. He just said he was alone. And there was no need to go into detail about he and his "best friend's" sleeping arrangements. Notice how I never told him where I was. I was texting him from the movie theatre downtown but I could have just as easily been at my friend's house who he knows only lives a few blocks away from him. He could have included that fatal little detail out of possible fear that I may have been in the area. And furthermore, why wouldn't his best friend sleep in the bed with him? Anytime one of my best friends stay over they sleep in bed with me. It's not like we're straight and that would be considered out of the ordinary or something. This was obviously a lie. If I didn't have any concrete evidence before, I have it now, he's caught.

141a - Adam: "But u still didn't answer my question..."

142a - Rufus: "Lol. See u tomorrow night."

His attempt to finally be evasive at my questioning was too little too late, he's caught already.

See the thing is, he didn't even have to go through all of this, the lies and all. He could have actually told the truth and I actually would have understood. I mean, hey, we're all grown-ups here. I've been through enough and have dated enough to know that none of us when we're endeavoring to begin something with someone new starts out completely single. Even if we don't have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend we all have a litany of fuck buddies, dates, jumpoffs, people we're talking to and ex-date baggage that we have to prune away before we can give ourselves fully to that someone new, shit, I got jumpoffs. Besides, he just met me 36 hours ago, he had no obligation to me, he didn't have to lie. He could have just said 'Adam, I forgot I already had plans tonight' or he could have even said that he had another date. I have to admit that it wouldn't have exactly been music to my ears but it would have been better than lying and attempting to insult my intelligence. He could have at least respected me enough to tell me the truth. He didn't have to go into details, but he would have at least given me the opportunity to make an informed decision about how I felt about him dating other people. I mean he was well within his rights to do so, we hadn't established anything yet. And even if he hadn't mentioned anything about the date he was going on at least be evasive enough in your explanation to validate me but not arouse my suspicion. But that was his mistake, he didn't lie to validate me, he lied to validate himself. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He lied so he could test the waters without the risk of losing me.

I've been where he is many times before. You meet someone you like and then all of a sudden someone else you could possibly like comes out of the blue and before you can really get into that first person you wanna test out the other person just so that you don't have to wonder. And after knowing the first person for only 36 hours I feel as though you're well within your rights to do that, but if you are gonna do it, tell the whole truth or at least a decent lie. It's so weird how we as gay men have this weird expectation that as soon as we talk to a guy that no one else in the world is talking to him. Like he ceases to be attractive and attracted to other people. I've learned through experience that monogamy is not an event it's a process.

So now I must decide whether I want to see Rufus again today. He never hit me back yesterday, obviously not. He was embarrassed. I caught his ass. Besides the fact that he's a bad liar he's still all the great things I described earlier. Is that enough reason to never speak to him again or should I call him, let him off the hook and continue with our plans for today. He obviously wasn't too into that date anyway. Today can be a chance for us to have an honest talk with each other. Mr. Man forgave me for all the fucked up shit I did to him last year and now we're the best of friends, this little mess here pales in comparison. Mr. Man didn't just throw me away when I lied to him so maybe this is my chance to pass that same forgiveness along. And I just really want the pleasure of confronting Rufus face to face.

What I don't like most about all of this, even though at this juncture it's really not a big deal, is the fact that Rufus tried to insult my intelligence. I have seen so much and have played so many games that at this point if a nigga does play me it's only because I'm allowing him to. A perfect example of that was the whole Pubby debacle. And besides I'd rather fuck with a bad liar than a good one.

We'll see.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Oh Girl"
by Raphael Saddiq feat. Jay-Z
from the album "The Way I See It"
and
"Liar Liar" feat. FloRida
by Girlicious
from the album "Girlicious"
and
"Little Lies"
by Fleetwood Mac
from the album "The Very Best Of Fleetwood Mac"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 03:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (15) | TrackBacks (0)

Check out Michelle Williams new track "The Greatest", the second single from her debut R&B/Pop album "Unexpected" which will be in stores Tuesday, October 7th. I've heard the album, it's great and I'm definitely loving this track.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

Click here for more info and pics from my interview with Michelle Williams a few months back.

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Playing In The Background...
"The Greatest"
by Michelle Williams
from the album "Unexpected"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 02:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Footage has leaked from last night's inagural performance of Janet Jackson's "Rock Witchu Tour" in Vancouver, Canada and in the spirit of the sexually charged performances of "Rope Burn" and "Would You Mind" from the last two tours Janet has taken it to the next level with her performance of "Discipline" from her latest album of the same name.

I'm not usually one to post YouTube videos but y'all gotta see this. Janet an'nem are going clear the fuck off in this clip.

I already got my tickets months ago for her show out in New Jersey next month. Do you have yours?

This video is hot! Catch it before they take it off YouTube.

Damn censorship.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Discipline"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Discipline"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

The other night I had some of the best sex of my life. His body was so tight, the way his smooth chocolate skin stretched across his muscles. His lips were some of the softest I'd ever felt, I could kiss him all day. It felt so warm and soft and juicy inside him, the way he moaned and called me "Daddy" and took the dick so well and moved in all the right ways. His legs wrapped around me with me all the way inside of him, holding him, squeezing him, kissing him passionately as sweat lubricated our bodies, he felt like it was made just for me. A few times out of full unadulterated passion that he told me that he loved me. It wasn't just sex, we made love. It was perfect... Well, except for the fact that we'd just met and one of the main reasons why he called me "Daddy" was because I never got around to telling him my name and on top of that he's not my type and we'd never actually work outside the bedroom. Have you ever found yourself having the right sex with the wrong person?

It's crazy. I mean yeah, so, I'm gay. I'm gay and I'm a full top and most of my friends are bottoms. So yes, obviously a good portion of my friendships are birthed from failed relationships or something sexual in nature. And in my life, this life, the gay life I value my friendships more than anything and I try my best not to cross that line and put our friendship in jeopardy. Even so, every so often I may have a friend who develops more than friendly feelings for me. Most would ask why I wouldn't just get with one of my friends, they're already someone who I know and get along with, and can fulfill my emotional, intellectual and social needs but see here's the thing, yes one of my friends could be the right person, but the sex is or would be wrong. Because either, I'm not attracted to the friend that way or we may have had involvement before that didn't work out or develop into anything partly because the sex wasn't right then. Have you ever found yourself having the wrong sex with the right person?

I can think of people that I can get with today who I can really be happy with. We can hang out and chill and I know I'd get all the love and support I need and they would be a good boyfriend. somebody who I can build something with but I'm not physically attracted to them. What's a nigga to do? I don't wanna play with someone's emotions and string them along because as good as all the non-physical aspects of a relationship can be I know I need sex. Sex is important to me and if I'm not being fulfilled I know I'm gonna stray. But then again I can have the hottest sex in the world with someone else and then that's all though, we don't get along outside the bedroom, our dreams and goals and outlook on life don't align. What gives? Where is the balance? Where is they guy who has it all or at least most of it? I don't wanna settle, but I don't wanna be old and alone. I know I'm only 25, but I think about this kinda stuff because this is how it starts. You say, oh I'm only 25 I don't have to worry about that, then you're 30, 35, 40, 45 and before you know it you're that 50 year old guy at the club that all the 25 year olds make fun of, or even worse that 50 year old guy on BGC or A4A that all the 25 year olds make fun of. Perish the thought.

What y'all think? Am I trippin?

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Till The End Of The World"
by Michelle Williams
from the album "Unexpected"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (8) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
Pictures:
- Millie Jackson in the iconic photo from her "Back To The Shit" album cover
- My photo homage to her taken in February 2007 (before the skincare).
==========

I want to thank all of you who nominated and voted for me for the Black Weblog Awards, unfortunately we didn't win... again. I would like to congratulate the winners Pam's House Blend and Darian Aaron, who's a friend of the blog. After seeing this play out twice I've decided that I'm not gonna pester y'all with this whole thing next year as I've noticed that the awards seem to have an affinity toward more newsy and less controversial gay blogs. When we didn't win last year I compared myself to soul singer Millie Jackson in that she was controversial and always put herself out there, but that never won her many awards either.

Please know that my biggest award is the love, the emails, the messages and all the support I get from you all and that's all the encouragement I need to keep on doing what I do and because you, the people are the one's who nominated me it is truly just an honor to be nominated.

Thanks
-Adam

For more info on Millie Jackson check out my homage post to her here.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Hello Heartbreak"
by Michelle Williams
from the album "Unexpected"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 09:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

Tonight history will be made. My homegirl, the beautiful Miss Isis (pictured here with me) will be the first transgendered contestant on "America's Next Top Model". This is such a history-making milestone and a magnanimous occasion for the LGBT community. Isis is living proof that dreams can come true. I'm so proud of her.

"America's Next Top Model" Cycle 11 premieres tonight on the CW Networks.
Check your local listings and be sure to watch.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"When I Grow Up"
by The Pussycat Dolls
from the album "Doll Domination"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Here are two galleries of pictures from the "No Shade" party last Friday night. I want to give another thank you to everyone who attended and to all of our special guests Isis (of the CW's "America's Next Top Model cycle 11), Rob (of VH1's "I Wanna Work For Diddy"), J-Chri$$ (the artist formerly known as Caushun) and my homie Silver Navarro (aka Papa Painter). And a special shoutout to DJ Likwuid, Maurice Runea, & Dwight Allen O'Neal.

Gallery One:
by Dex Star G
Check out his photo blog at: http://dexstarg.blogspot.com.

Gallery Two:
by TJay
Check him out on MySpace at http://www.myspace.com/memyselfandtjay.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"4 Minutes" feat. Justin Timberlake
by Madonna
from the album "Hard Candy"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 10:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
Thank you everyone for your concern following yesterday's blog post. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm okay. The funny thing about me is that once I get to the point where I blog about something, I'm pretty much over it. Blogging is the last step in my recovery process. It puts physical tangible evidence of what I've been through out there so I can hopefully learn from my mistakes and if need be I can reference it again.

-Adam
==========

So yesterday we left off with me changing my phone number. I just did it. I haven't sent out the mass text announcing my phone number change yet. Right now at this very moment no one in this world can contact me via phone. Wow, that's crazy, no calls or texts from anyone. No one can reach me. It's like I'm in another country or something. It's kinda cool.

Before I send out that text I just took the time to go through my phone's address book with a fine toothed comb. It's so crazy all of the needless numbers you accrue over time. Besides the numbers you mean to get rid of, you know, stalkers, DNA's (Do Not Answers), ex-lovers, fake friends, ex-lovers fake friends and fake friends ex-lovers, I found a litany of internet ex-dates who I never quite got a chance to hook up with, prospective business contacts that never quite came to fruition, people I only needed to call once and others who I was never really sure why I saved their number in the first place, people whose numbers I saved in my phone only because they were standing right in front of me watching to make sure I did it and I was only trying to be nice, friends old cell phone numbers that they changed like years ago and names and numbers that I don't even recognize, all deleted. The cool thing about our digital age is that we don't memorize anyones number anymore so it's like if someone's entry is no longer in your phone it's like they disappeared. Poof! Gone.

As each number came up highlighted in my phone the prospect of keeping or deleting their address book entry gave me the opportunity to ponder on each of them. For some entries that few seconds I took to decide the fate of their entry is the most I've thought about them ever. Wow. At the end of it all I ended up deleting more numbers than I kept.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Brand New Day" feat. Yolanda Adams
by Karen Clark-Sheard
from the album "2nd Chance"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 09:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
When I started this blog I promised that I would always keep it real, even when it hurt, even when it's embarrassing, even when it doesn't show me in the best light. Because at the end of the day it is my imperfections and humanity that have endeared me to you all. Hopefully I'm right.

-Adam
==========

It's quite ironic that on Labor Day I must make this announcement but, I quit. What am I quitting you ask? Well I'm definitely not quitting the blog, so don't worry about that. This blog is one of the most beautifully rewarding and consistent things of my life. If I could turn my blog into a person and marry it I would. My blog is my baby and although I've neglected him at times, not writing as much as I should I will never give him up. I'm quitting some other things in my life that have taken me off course as of late. Things that have taken my mind away from what's really important.

I'm depressed, more yesterday than today. I've been rolling around, sweating in my boxer briefs, alone and lonely in my hot ass studio apartment for the past 36 hours. I'm also sick, I've caught one of my annual end-of-summer-but-everyone-is-still-pumping-the-AC-like-it's-90-degrees-outside-colds. That's why my AC isn't on and I've decided to sweat this thing out. It's working.

Oh Jesus, where do I start. Well, the party that I and my partners had been planning. The one we've poured our everything into, the one that I've been plugging to the point of annoyance, you know the whole "No Shade" thing, well, it basically failed. To say that no one came would be over dramatic but it certainly was much less successful than we expected it to be. In some ways I used my wildly successful 25th birthday party as a meter of success to compare this party to. Although I didn't expect it to do as well, especially since that party was free I also didn't expect it to as badly as it did and for good reason. When I was doubtful about it so many people told me that they'd come, they'd definitely support, that it was a great idea. My partners each got the same response. These sort of prompts are what encouraged us to even endeavor in a monthly party in the first place. The last few days before last Friday night, I'd all but stopped worrying to the point of utter and complete confidence. Everything's gonna be okay, we've been promoting like crazy, going out on a marathon of club let outs, passing out flyers and talking to people every day for the past eight days, we have an email list of 1,800+ people, having people randomly hit me up online on BGC and A4A to inquire about the party and to say that they'd definitely be there. I thought 'Oh ok, we got this in the bag'.

The night of the party I looked great in my all white. It was the Friday before Labor Day so I decided to wear all of my white before I couldn't wear it anymore. I was so excited. It was only 11pm and the party had just started. Of course no one was there and why would they be. The NYC kids don't party until like 1-130a, I don't normally get out until 2-230a myself. At around 1130p I took a quick cab trip with some friends up to the Village (Greenwich Village), leaving the others behind to get rid of the last of the flyers we had left. I ran into some people I knew in the Village who told me that they'd definitely be at the party a little later, as most people do. They chill in the Village early and go out to party later. We got back around 1230p and I expected to hear good news, that it'd filled up a little and that there was at least a line. Alas no. People actually came in, saw the emptiness and left. After 1a came along and there was no significant change in the crowd or the lack thereof I knew in my heart that it was a wrap but I tried to remain hopeful and keep on what Jill Scott would call "the strong face" for the guests we already had. No need for them to see me crack under the pressure, no need for me to be any less charming and warm to them due to what I was going through. So I slipped up to the VIP section and sipped on some Moet from the bottle my friend bought, in an attempt to calm my nerves. The next day another friend told me that me and my partners attempts to remain cool in spite of what was going on we're pretty thinly veiled. It wasn't hard at all to tell that we were folding under the pressure and cracking at the seams. I was so embarrassed that I could have dropped dead right then. It even crossed my mind to just run away, to sneak out the front door and never come back, but I could never leave my friends that way. It was unbelievable. We were all so shocked. We didn't expect this and for good reason. So many of our friends, acquaintances and people we just flat out didn't know said they'd be there and they weren't, what happened? Even one of the people I ran into in the Village never showed up. I found out later that some of those people who came by texted their friends, who texted their friends, who texted their friends and from then on it was a wrap.

At the end of the night, due to the grace and tender mercy of our faithful God who I'd been whispering prayers to all night, we didn't lose much money and basically broke even. Thank you Jesus. When I left Mocca Lounge that night, alone in the drenching rain, in all white with no umbrella, I stood under a store awning frozen in my own confusion, derision and discontent wanting to melt away down the storm drain along with the rain, wondering what happened, how I got here and what I was gonna do next. It was 4am and there I was stuck outside, all dressed up with no place to go, wanting to go home but paralyzed by the rain. Just then I thought 'Fuck it' and ran through the rain to my train station which was a block away. On the ride all the way back up to Harlem I slept in an effort to stop my mind that was racing at a million miles an hour, turning round and round like a centrifuge. It also didn't help that I was sick, my throat sore and my head aching. I just wanted to go to bed... forever. I rose from the train station at my stop to discover that the rain had gotten even worse, to deluge, monsoon-like proportions, paralyzing me once again. Standing outside again for another half hour in my all white, wanting to run to the refuge of my bed more than life itself at that point, I felt foolish once again. I didn't want to be seen. I just wanted to lock myself in the house and get away from it all. Lord why can't I just get home.

The next day I woke up to a Blackberry flooded with emails and text messages saying sorry for not being able to make it to your party. Too little, too motherfuckin; late y'all. The damage was already done. What's so fucked up is how a few hours before the party a skirmish between me and one of my partners could have led to us canceling the party. God, why didn't we just cancel the party? All that day I tried to figure out how to spin this, what PR trick could I use to remedy this situation, to turn this shit to shine. I know the word had obviously gotten out and that the first thing people are gonna do is look to the blog just to see what I'm gonna say. Then once again I thought 'Fuck it' I'm gonna handle this like I been handling everything else. This blog was built on honesty so I figured that if people are gonna hear it then they'd hear it from me. The craziest thing about it all was that we did everything right. We couldn't even take solace in the notion that we did something wrong and that there was something to correct for next time. No there wasn't, people just didn't show up for whatever reason.

Upon further thought and reflection that day I decided that party promotion was way too risky a business to continue to invest my money and time into. As much as I like people and getting to know people I'm still very much a loner as most truly creative people are. All of my writing and designing I do in solitude. I don't trust or depend on people very easily. I will stay in the crib by myself, broke as a joke before I ask anyone for anything. I'm a Leo and I'm extremely proud and i like feeling secure. I don't handle embarrassment or vulnerability well. I should have known that any endeavor that was so volatile and involved so much dependence on other people's involvement and attendance was not for me. Especially since my blog, my business and my book have suffered as a result of it. While there's nothing wrong with planning or throwing parties I was in it for all the wrong reasons.

"My (ex)boyfriend and I were talking the other day and we were just reviewing all of the things that have been happening to me lately, increased readership of the blog, my web design business starting to become more popular, and many other developments that I'm not even at liberty to discuss yet. He ended things quite soberly with the phrase "...don't get caught up, baby".

...It seems like everybody nowadays is doing whatever they can to attain some type of plastic, pseudo-celebrity status., in New York especially. NYC is the home or should I say breeding ground of the black, gay, mini-celebrity.

Being that my (ex) boyfriend and I are both Leos it is certainly within our nature to believe our own press. We also love attention. But I mean, who doesn't? Even the most laid back of people want attention from somebody, right?"
-Adam Benjamin Irby (me)
from my blog post "If I Ever Become An Attention Whore... Slap Me... Please..."
written June 14th, 2007

Being a black gay socialite went against everything I believed in coming into all of this. More embarrassing than the scant turnout and the backlash that comes with having a party fail is knowing that I went against my word. Not just shit I said in passing but what I had written in this blog (in this particular blog post) almost fourteen months ago and that I'd changed. Pseudo-notoriety had changed me. The fucked up thing about notoriety in terms of what I do is that it inhibited me from telling stories the way I once did. Most of you who had been reading my stuff for an extended period of time started reading it because it was a breath of fresh air to hear from someone being real and saying what he truly felt no matter what, these are the things you all have said to me. But the more notable you become the more you have to be careful not to offend anyone. Although I tried my best to always remain modest, humble, and just plain nice I began to believe my own press. I got caught up. So just in case you didn't get it. The party's over, at least for me anyway.

Then there's the other thing that's been plaguing me, Pubby. I'm just as tired of typing that name as you are of reading it at this point. I have not been fully honest about the Pubby situation. It's not that I lied. I'm not a liar, I'm just a big omitter. So yes we broke up, we broke up but we'd still see each other from time to time. Each time we saw each other it would feel so good and so right to me that it would incite feelings of reconciliation in me although he was already with someone else. His sweet utterances of "I love you." "I miss you." "You know you're still my baby." "You know it's still yours baby." would deceive me every time. He'd spend time with me and when he'd walk out of my door he wouldn't take his feelings for me with him, leaving my home as if nothing had happened while I was left to carry the emotional burden of unrequited love. How can you say that you love me and that you miss me when were alone no one's around yet you carry on a relationship in public with someone else? How can you question me and who I'm dating and get downright jealous knowing that you broke it off with me and that you have a man? Why do you still even bother with me? I tried to sever ties with him so many times, I really did. But he just wouldn't leave me alone. It seemed like every time I got strong enough to walk away for good he'd smell it and then he'd call, or he'd text, or he'd come to see me and we'd be back in the vicious cycle one again, carrying on our illicit affair. And we'd lurk around in secret as I foolishly lived as the side piece. He was using me like a married man uses a mistress, as an escape, as a respite from the problems of his relationship. Feeding me empty promises of someday were gonna be together, someday I'm gonna leave my wife , in this case his boyfriend, for me. When I knew all too well that like a mistress I was just being used and strung along. Even if it weren't done maliciously it still doesn't erase the fact that it was being done.

Yesterday, in my depression I finally had enough. It was time to take a desperate measure. My mind went back to the last time I'd felt that bad, back in 2006 when I changed my phone number and just started all over again with a clean slate. And Lord knows I love my phone number but it was time for change. Unfortunately due to the fact that I had this epiphany last night at 3a and that today is Labor Day I can't change my number until tomorrow. Fuck! Don't you hate it when you get inspired and wanna make a major life change but you can't do it right away cuzza something stupid like a store being closed or something? Ugh! That shit is so annoying!

A good friend of mine asked me last night what having a new phone number would really do to stop my communication with Pubby and other unhealthy people and relationships that I need to cut off. Good question, friend. What funny about me is this. I know that I won't call Pubby or give him my new phone number because those are pre-meditated actions that take thought. Though my heart is weak I still have a very logical mind and my mind won't let me go. Our most recent rekindlings were not as a result of me calling him because I know better than that. What if I called and he didn't answer as he had done many times before? I wouldn't just blatantly play myself like that. I need a little bit of coaxing to be played. Things always restarted with him calling me. Seeing his name flash across my phone meant that he cared about me, that he was concerned about me, that he wanted to talk to me, that there was hope for us and it brought all the old feelings back. As a result I always picked up. I was so curious to hear what he had to say. Would this be the call where he says that he's seen the light and that he's dumped what's his name and wants to finally be with me, the right way. My fragile heart couldn't risk missing such a call. In my mind I know that it's easier not to make a call than it is not to answer a call and because my heart has proven time and time again to be too weak to resist answering his calls I now have to put a physical, tangible barrier between our communication for my own good, that's why first thing in the morning I'm changing my phone number and starting over.

At this point I'm desperate. I must get over him by any means necessary, whatever that takes. No matter what anyone thinks. I even wrote a blog post about the first time I ever did this called "Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures... ". The great thing about writing a blog is that I can look back on my past experiences and learn from them and also be chastised and held accountable by them. Who knew that I'd have to take such a desperate measure once again, but I'm not perfect and these I must count again as lessons learned. So I quit. As a result I feel much better and am better equipped for the journey ahead.

Happy Labor Day and whatever you're laboring over today, make sure it's worth it.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Moratorium"
by Alanis Morisette
from the album "Flavors Of Entanglement"
and
"Leave Me Alone"
by Syleena Johnson
from the album "Chapter 3: The Flesh"
and
"Caught Up"
by Joy Denalane
from the album "Born & Raised"
==========

PS: Shout outs and thanks to all who came out especially ShaneBlu and my new friends from Pennsauken, NJ and all of my special guests, you know who you are. Even though I won't personally be doing the "No Shade" party any longer I will always be in full support of it and my partners.

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 04:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (15) | TrackBacks (0)