October 2008 Archives

A few years ago I met this guy online, let's call him Thomas. Thomas and I talked online for a while, exchanging pleasantries, being flirtatious, being sexual. We exchanged numbers and continued to talk every so often. One sunny afternoon out of the blue Thomas calls me and says that him and his friend are in my area and that I should be outside in fifteen minutes. I told him that I would need more time than that to get ready. I was meeting him in person for the first time and I wanted to make a good impression. He insisted that it wasn't necessary and that he had only just thrown himself together so there was no need for me to do anything extravagant. I jumped up and tried my best to get somewhat ready in such a minimal time.

After having them outside waiting in the back of my building for about about fifteen minutes, fifteen more than the fifteen I was originally supposed to be ready in, I got to the car. Thomas stepped out of the passengers seat of the car onto the cracked sidewalk, we shook hands. He was attractive, cute even, he looked better than his pictures and he was definitely right about not being put together. He had on an old ratty looking t-shirt, some sweats and some flip flops. As messed up as his outfit was it took nothing away from his looks though. Upon entering the car I greeted his friend as well. Thomas looked back, smiled and asked me why I was so well put together. He reiterated the fact that he said over the phone that I didn't have to do anything special. Then he asked me was that why I was took so long. I have to admit I was a little embarrassed, but it was cool though. His queries were all in fun.

We drove around for a while as Thomas' friend was running various local errands. During the ride I was pretty much silent in the backseat. I was just passively listening to their conversation and watching their dynamic. I like to watch friends, especially best friends, interact with each other, there's nothing like it. These two were definitely best friends. Every so often they would look back at me just to make sure I was still alive.

We ended up going back to Thomas' friend's apartment. His apartment was very nicely decorated. You could tell that a gay man lived there. After sitting on the couch a while Thomas declared that he was taking a shower. As he walked toward the bathroom he grabbed my hand and I followed him. We got into the bathroom and as soon as the door closed behind us we grabbed at each other like animals, kissing, fondling and grabbing at each other ravenously. We eventually got out of our clothes and made it to the shower where our foreplay continued, hot and heavy in the steam of the running water. Right when I was about to enter him he stopped me.

"Adam, stop. I can't do this..."

"What's wrong?"

"I can't do this..."

"Why?"

"I'm positive."

I couldn't breathe. I stood naked with my back up against the moist tiled wall, my head spinning like a centrifuge. Here I was about to fuck this dude with no condom (as most people don't exactly keep them on the soap dish). What was so crazy was that I pretty much knew I was gonna get some that day and I had condoms and lube on me in my jacket. I just never bothered to go get them. It would have ruined the mood and the spontaneity of the moment. In all this time I never even bothered to ask what his status was. It never even came up in all of our prior conversation. This was the first time in all of my fucking around that I was confronted with HIV. I never really talked about it much before. I knew my status, I'd been tested, but I never really discussed it much with my partners. He continued.

"I want to. I really want to but. I had to let you know. You're such a nice guy."

"Wow, how did this happen?"

In retrospect I see what a dumb ass question that was for me to ask, but I asked anyway. He proceeded to tell me that he pretty much knew who he contracted the virus from and that he tried to confront that person but the person moved to another state and changed their phone number. He said that his best friend, the one in the living room was one of the only people who knew. With a little sass in his voice he also said:

"Oh, and don't think that I'm the only one. If you're out here fucking around I know I'm not the first person who you've run into who has the virus. I'm just the first to tell you."

With sex, but a distant memory, we finished our shower, in silence. I wasn't angry, or scared, or disgusted by him or anything like that. I knew better, I knew the facts, I knew that HIV wasn't just gonna jump on me just because I was in the shower with him. I wasn't necessarily done with him either, he was a really cool person and HIV wasn't gonna change that. I was just sober, soberly thinking about all the fucking around I'd done, all the possibilities, how fucked up that person was who infected Thomas and just ran away and how Thomas didn't even have to tell me about his status, it's not as though I asked. I also wondered exactly why he told me. It was all just so crazy, he was so young, so good looking, he didn't look sick, he wasn't in a hospice with tubes running out of his body. He was nothing like I imagined HIV to be, he was like, like me.

We dried off and went back into the living room the friend was sitting on the couch like nothing happened. I guess from his perspective nothing did happen. He wasn't in the shower. We got dressed and ended up back in the friend's car. As we drove around I sat in the back of the car in uncertainty until Thomas asked:

"What train station do you wanna be dropped off at?"

They dropped me off at the train station. We said our goodbyes and I never heard from Thomas again. The scariest thing about that story had nothing to do with Thomas but everything to do with me. I totally let sex cloud my better judgment that day. I knew so much better than to do what I was gonna do but almost did it anyway. He had to be the one to stop me from protecting ME. How sick is that? Not being able to trust yourself to do what you know is best for yourself, that's scarier than anything else that happens on Halloween.

I remember sharing this story with my one of best friends about a year after it happened. We were sitting in the Village talking about life and the virus and it's effect on our community. We also talked about the 46% statistic, which now I heard is up to 48%. I told him that with statistics like that it's like it's either me or you now. Any one of us is can be one test away from a positive result. That's one of the reasons why I am never one to judge. We can get tested and we can take all of the necessary precautions and not be promiscuous of course but if you've ever been sexually active there's never any way to be 100% sure. Your test can come back negative today and show up positive a few months from now as HIV can lie dormant in your system before there is enough antibodies of it to be detected by a test.

I'm no doctor and you can always look up the facts from a much more reliable medical source than me but the point I wanted to convey here was that we all need to make better decisions. We also need not judge anyone, especially those with HIV because none of us are exempt. I have friends today with HIV and I love them, respect them, and treat them as I would any other friend and they are all fine, healthy, dating and living their lives as they should be. At times in the midst of all of our fun and day to day living I forget that they even have the virus. They have to remind me at times and that's the way it should be. It's not something I need to dwell on. HIV, as unfortunate as it is is not a death sentence.

Thomas was the first person I ever met with HIV and as dumb as it sounds today, back then I really was shocked at how healthy and quote-unquote "normal" he looked. My experience with Thomas taught me how important it is to be nice to people, all people and to have an aura of openness about myself so people could feel comfortable telling me anything. I actually wish that Thomas would have kept up with me. I tried to correspond with him after that but to no avail. I don't fully understand why he never wanted to talk to me again but I respect his decision. I never got a chance to thank him for that day in the shower. He taught me more than all the sex education classes in the world could have taught me and I'm different today because of it.

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Playing In The Background...
"It's O.K."
by BeBe & CeCe Winans
from the album: "BeBe & CeCe Winans Greatest Hits"
==========

So I'm on BGC earlier and I responded to a message. As the sent message confirmation page came up I glanced at the porn ad on the page and I was shocked to see yet another person I know doing porn. That brings the number of porn stars I've slept with up to five. Damn.

Why? Why did he do it? Was it for the money? Or is he just an exhibitionist freak like that? I hope it wasn't just for the money. Because I know for a fact that black gay porn acting does not generate much money, unless you're in such high demand that you're doing movies all the time and even with that you aren't making all that much money. No more than a really high end professional like a lawyer or a heart surgeon or something like that would make and that's on the exceptionally, exceptionally, exceptionally high end of black gay porn. And is even that kind of money worth all the mental stress, the stress on your body, your life, your relationships, and your reputation? Not to mention that a good portion of your earnings will go to all the liquor and drugs you'll probably be using to maintain such a taxing lifestyle. Why do think half of these niggas dicks can't get hard in porn? What good is a twelve inch dick if the shit can't get hard?

I know someone who owns a porn production company, I'm sure some of my porn connoisseurs out there have seen his stuff. He's sat and told me, cracking up laughing, about how he's gotten guys to fuck and be fucked in some of his movies for as little as fifty or twenty-five dollars and at times even for free! On the high end he won't pay any of his actors, even some of the better known ones more than a couple hundred bucks for a scene. And royalties? What royalties? This ain't network TV.

The only people who seem to make the real money in black gay porn are the studios. The life of the average black gay porn star, at least from what I've seen is far removed from the lifestyles of people like Jenna Jameson, Heather Hunter, and even Jake Steed. First of all we're talking gay here, gay porn by virtue of us being a sexual minority (at least that we know of) probably wouldn't generate as much interest and money as straight porn and black gay porn, a minority within a minority, I'm sure puts further restraints on things, probably further stifling possible earnings. I'd bet that most of these guys we see in these porn films have more than likely fell on some type of hard times to even consider doing it. Of course I'm sure that there are exceptions to all of this, but every black gay porn star I've met is hardly rich or extremely happy with their career choice.

I'll be damned if I ma fuck on camera for a measly couple hundred bucks! Awww hayell naw! But people do it, why? I'd love to ask that guy I know, what made him do that shit? If his parents saw that shit, they'd die.

Don't get me wrong, even with all I've stated, I personally have nothing against porn. I even watch it at times. My issue with porn isn't so much the morality, but the money, well the lack thereof that concerns me. I'm so shocked that these people don't get paid more, they damn sure deserve it. But at the end of the day, it's an industry with adults over 18 who in sound mind have signed on the dotted line for whatever it is they get. It just ain't for me. I know we're in an economic crisis right now and times are hard, but they ain't that hard, at least I hope they aren't...

Speaking of hard times, I'm having a bit of a hard time myself right now. I need a damn job. Yeah I work, I've been freelancing doing web and graphic design for a while now and that's doing okay, but the holidays are coming and a brotha needs some supplemental income. Depending on what it is I can even work full time. I already got offered a position but unfortunately I couldn't take it. it was a cool gig but it was real, real, real part time and wasn't paying hardly enough money.

If you've been following the blog closely for a while you'd know that my last job toward my "career" was as a hotel concierge. I've been working in the hotel biz for years now, but as I got deeper into my writing, doing this blog and working on my book the hotel thing started to take up way too much of my resources. Even this blog, as small as it may seem is a stepping stone toward my ultimate goal of being an author. None of you would know who I was if it weren't for this blog. Having people who already know who you are looks real cute when you're negotiating a book deal.

The hotel thing wasn't just a job, it was a career that required my full attention and there was no way I could successfully do both. After all the years I put into the hotel thing I thought that it was something I could really be happy with. I went to school for it and everything. To be honest, I only got into it because my older sisters did it and it was good money, but I had no real passion for it. I always loved to write and people say to me all the time that I had a gift for it but I never really saw how this gift was gonna make me some money. So I got into the hotel biz because it was more sensible. I was taught that you go to school and grow up so you can get a quote-unquote "good job" and make quote-unquote "good money". As the years rolled by of me working at my "good job" my lack of passion started to become really apparent. So I took a step out on faith and left my job back in February. It wasn't fair to them for me to stay around and not give the job all of the time and attention it deserved.

I said (in this blog post) last year that I didn't wanna live my life slaving away for someone else, that I was "an employee" and that "employees are employed to make the employer rich" and not to follow their own dreams. So I literally decided to put my money where my mouth is. Since then I've been freelance designing and writing. I went to school for graphic design as well as hospitality management and have been doing websites for clients since I was seventeen. Lawd, I remember my first client, she was crazy! But she taught me a lot about how to deal with people.

At this point, I'm sure partly due to this economic crisis thing, the web business, although not dead is a little slower than it was before. I have some savings and I'm not homeless or anything, thank God, but I am starting to get a bit worried. So here I am in need of a steadier gig. I'm looking for something as drama free as possible. It doesn't have to be fabulous or pay a million bucks, just enough to cover my monthly bills. I'm thing it should be in the realm of customer service, some type of front desk or something, something where I interact with people or possibly some sort of graphic design, two things I have a great deal of experience in, but I'm pretty open. Shit, if I could get paid to blog, like working for some type of publication, I'd love that! If it were close to home and I didn't have to dress up, that'd be great too! But I'm not too picky as far as that's concerned. It definitely can't be in food service, retail or anything that requires me to sell something to people that they don't need or totally live off of commission though. I'm a terrible salesman and I hate having to cajole people into buying things. It makes me feel all dishonest. I remember the retail jobs of my youth, ugh, I totally sucked. God bless those commission people, they are a special breed. I tip my hat to them.

So that's what I've been doing between my freelance gigs. I'm out looking for work, online and hitting the streets. Hitting the streets works much better for me as I'm better with people face to face. I hate the whole online application thing. It's so cold, antiseptic and pointless, especially when companies make you fill out those long ass job application forms that take like an hour and shit. Like, does anybody ever really get a job from that shit? My personality is one of my best assets and that cannot shine through on some wack ass online form. Every job I've ever had has always been through a recommendation of someone I know or through a phone call or an in person inquiry, some kind of human contact and not through such random technological means.

I'm sure I'm not the only one of us who is going through all of these job search tribulations and I wrote this blog post (besides the fact that I'm somewhere in between, extremely brave, humble, or damn crazy to divulge my financial situation to the world, but fuck it, I divulge everything else) to encourage you all to follow your dreams as I follow mine. I especially wanna send a shout out to all my people out there looking for work. I feel your struggle. It's no joke out here. Lord knows the road isn't hardly easy but I know it will be more than worth it in the end. One day not too long from now once everything works out how I know it will I will be able to repost this blog post and say remember when. You'll be able to look back too. But in the meantime, you my lovely readers get to go along for the ride and feel all the bumps. We're gonna be okay.

Oh yeah, and if you have any suggestions as to where I should look for supplemental work in the NYC area feel free to hit me up.

Pray for me as I do for y'all.
-Adam

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Playing In The Background...
"I've Gotta Feelin'"
by O'Landa Draper & The Associates
from the album "Gotta Feelin'"
==========

So I'm online on one of the dating sites minding my own business when this guy hits me up. This guy hits me up like every day with the same gross message and every day I ignore him. First of all he's like 37. Even though I'm not into older guys, especially ones that much older than me, I set them to a higher standard, because they're older. I expect more from them in the ways of couth and conduct. There's a certain way that an 18 year-old, a 25 year-old and a 37 year-old will step to someone he's interested in and they're all different. Usually I would ignore this guy as I'd been doing, but he just didn't seem to be getting the hint and I wanted to nip this in the bud. So here we go and as always I have my sidebar comments thrown in:

37yo: come over man...I want to suck you off

Sidebar: That's no way for no one, not to mention a 37 year old to greet anyone. How gross? As much as I like sex and as sexual as I am on this blog I have yet to initially greet someone online or off by saying something like "Yo shawty, I wanna fuck you." And I don't respond well to greetings like that. Like how many other dudes have you greeted like that today? Yuk! Believe it or not I'm becoming more prudent as I get older. I know, it's hard for me to believe too.

Me: U must not have read my page, ur way too old for me.

37yo: oh come on man...I look great, nice body etc! not old looking or anything

Sidebar: Y'all, please don't ever do this. If someone online has made it clear that they aren't interested in you please move on. Don't try to state your case to them, it's so unattractive and beneath you. You are wonderful and if someone can't appreciate that, fuck 'em. Even if the person is me, fuck me too (not literally LOL). There are people who I've hit up online and are obviously not feeling me and I let it go. I wouldn't have let it get this far. If I hit you and you don't hit me back I get the message. This shit is what internet stalkers are made of.

Me: Why are you debating this with me? That alone is unattractive. I'm someone who is telling you that he doesn't want you to suck his dick. If you are as great looking as you say you are then there should be a bevy of other willing and eligible dicks that you can suck on. Mine is just not one of them. It's like dude, move on, have some dignity.

Sidebar: Okay, I probably could have phrased that a little better, but after having him hit me up on the same shit for the past several days. I was annoyed.

37yo: honestly, do you want to debate with me? I am not pleading a cause with you dude! so Dude, its not like honestly move on!!! you made a statement and I responded, I am not begging or pleading, cause just this reaction tells me lots about you....and your very selected requirement is a great peak into your insecurities little guy! So dont start, and dont act like you are any more than the piece of meat that you are! I have never made a claim that I am so good looking that I am a must get.....you on the other hand seem to think you deserve exclusivity....makes me wonder why not go to the under 18 websites....?? Since you aren't ready to play with adults!!?

**yawns** All that from the guy who wants to suck MY dick? Really?

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Playing In The Background...
"The Greatest Love Of All"
by Whitney Houston
from the album "Whitney Houston"
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Yes ladies and gentlemen, from this day forward my blog will take on a new moniker. Adam's Web Log - The Official Blog Of Adam Benjamin Irby will also be known as "Turkey Chili For The Gay Soul".

I know it sounds crazy but, I had a conversation with Someone a few minutes ago via IM that inspired this new nickname. Here it goes:

Someone: ur a great writer sir, well actually a cut above decent.

Me: thanks

Someone: lol ur welcome

Me: what did u read?

Someone: i read alot. i read really fast. i can dig ya views on things and some shit is like (***squints eyes***" now adam"****)

Me: opinions are like assholes... lol

Someone: true, but its all entertaining and chicken soup for the black gay soul. shit that people don't want to hear that everyone knows is tru, so on that note i commend u

Me: it's more like chili for the black gay soul. i like chili better, more protein, turkey chili to be exact. it's low in fat too.

Someone: wat about the vegans

Me: fuck em

So there it is people, "Turkey Chili For The Black Gay Soul". I'm not changing the name or anything, it's just a pseudonym, a nickname if you will.

By the way, I actually enjoy that Hormel Turkey Chili pictured above. It's a staple in my pantry. It's great for those of us out there watching what we eat. It's meaty, satisfying and will warm you up inside, kinda like my... blog. But anyway, like I was saying. It's really low in fat, really high in protein and although a can is two servings I usually eat the whole thing as a meal. It's an especially good meal for those of us who are trying to work out and build muscle. The best thing about it is that you can eat it and not be hungry afterwards like most of the other stuff out here that's good for you and it's a quick meal. Just empty the can into a bowl and microwave it for two minutes.

Here's the nutritional breakdown courtesy of FakeOutTakeOut.com, a really good blog for those of us looking for healthier ways to enjoy our favorite foods. Check it out, they have great recipes there.

Hormel Turkey Chili:
Serving size: 1 cup (serves 2)
Calories: 210
Fat: 3g
Fiber: 6g
Protein 17g
Cholesterol 45mg
Weight Watchers Points: 3

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Playing In The Background...
"Keeps Gettin' Better"
by Christina Aguilera
from the album "Keeps Gettin' Better: A Decade Of Hits"
===========

Doing what it is I do here I get a good amount of correspondence from you all, letters, emails, comments and such. Although it can be overwhelming at times, I do read EVERYTHING, and I appreciate it so much, even if I don't always get a chance to respond.

I'm such an email pack rat that I don't even delete anything. I just let all the letters sit in my email box and let the server figure out what to do with them. The most touching letters though I save though. Looking through my letters last night I stumbled upon what has to be my new absolute favorite. This letter I received a little over three weeks ago. Here it is:

Dear Adam,

I certainly enjoy reading your blog. You are a scrupulously honest person and also an amazingly gifted writer. I am a 63 year old black gay male. I have lead a full life and identify with much that you write.

I enjoy the connection to my youth that having a window into yours provides me. The most salient fact that I have garnered from your writings is that when it comes to interpersonal relationships little has changed. Many of your battles have been my battles. The one enormous game changer has been HIV. Since its first appearance over 2 decades ago, I've lost more friends and acquaintances that were very dear to me.
Keep on writing and believing in yourself. You have a very special talent and your great personal charisma leaps of the pages of your blog. You are also one sexy little dude. forty years ago I could have taken you on. I was a hot number back then. LOL

Son, treasure every moment of your SWEET, young life. It goes by very fast. Carefully store and hone your memories. The day will come when they will be not only your best possessions but a major coping mechanism when your "Old and Gay". Don't fear the aging process. Do prepare for it.

I wish you the best in your precious life Keep on titillating and stimulating my ancient sensibilities.
-MH

I'm always honored to receive letters from older people, people who have already been where I am and have gone through what I'm going through. I try my best to be receptive to any precious kernels of advice they can offer. Like the Bible says "there's nothing new under the sun" and as I talk to more and more older gay people I realize that the interpersonal struggles that we go through today and the ones they went through are basically the same, except that we go through ours with BlackBerries and iPods.

Thanks so much MH, and everyone else for your letters. Keep 'em comin'.

If you ever wanna send me a letter or a message, ask me a question or just wanna say "Hi" click here.

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Playing In The Background...
"Beautiful, Dirty, Rich"
by Lady GaGa
from the album "The Fame"
==========

This weekend I saw "Noah's Arc: Jumping The Broom" for the second time. I saw it the first time when its writer/director Patrik Ian-Polk held a screening here in New York this past summer. Before I get into my thoughts on the movie I'm gonna share with you an alarming review of the movie that I read in this week's issue of Next Magazine, a publication that touts itself as "New York's Gay Guide".

Sink Noah's Arc (Logo Features) and pray it's never found. Continuing from the Logo series about the lives and loves of a group of gay African-American Los Angelinos, Noah (Darryl Stephens) and Wade (Jensen Atwood) travel with their posse to be married in a picturesque summer home in Martha's Vineyard. Jumping the Broom references a slave marriage tradition, the requisite shout-out to black history.

For a well-intentioned portrayal of a broader gay community, do any of these characters have a white, Latin or Asian, friend or boyfriend? I'm totes for being black, gay and proud, but segregation's ovah!

Patrik Ian-Polk, returning as writer/director from the TV series, has brought us the cinematic equivalent to Hallmark's Mahogany cards. Every random phone call and Jacuzzi dip includes some profound life lesson.

The considerably talented and smokin' cast is stuck playing gay archetypes: the unrepentant slut (Christian Vincent), the flaming sass (Rodney Chester) and the twinkie newbie (Gary LeRoi Gray) dash about in fabricated mini-operas. As all the couples jump to jealous conclusions, scurry off in tears, make up, kiss and do it all again, the action is peppered with deadly earnest inspirational platitudes that would make Kirstie Alley willingly lose her lunch.

Honey, this sunken ship proves dreadful gay filmmaking knows no color.
--AC

from Next Magazine
Vol 16.17 | October 24th, 2008

If this is not the most ridiculous shit I've ever read. What the fuck? How could they trash this movie largely due to the fact that there weren't any prominent white characters in it? This is the same sort of criticism that the 1992 film "Boomerang" also received. The romantic comedy, starring Eddie Murphy, Robin Givens and Halle Berry was set in a black owned and operated corporation and like "Noah..." also does not feature any prominent white characters. And so what? How many hundreds of films have all white casts and don't have as much as a black extra.

Did black folks go up in a tizzy after seeing that after six seasons, ninety-four episodes and a movie of "Sex And The City" (which happens to be my favorite show ever by the way) that there were no prominent black characters. Yes Blair Underwood was Miranda's boyfriend in a few episodes in season six and that Samantha dated a black guy in season three, episode five "No Ifs Ands Or Butts" but did black folks ever expect the "Sex And The City" girls to adopt a fifth friend Keisha, just for integration's sake? No. Oh yes, Jennifer Hudson appeared in the movie as Carrie's assistant. As much as we love JHud, if her character wasn't written into the movie or if it were played by a white girl the universe wouldn't have ceased to exist. A common consensus among black folks I know is that JHud's character seemed unneeded and forced anyway, as though they were purposely looking for a way to inject some color in the film and some black folks into the seats. I'd like to think that people enjoy a well written show with characters and stories that they can relate to no matter what color the actors are. Black folks are not as petty as people think, just because we don't see ourselves in a movie doesn't mean that we can't enjoy it. If that were so black folks wouldn't have much to watch.

What's even crazier is that the premise of the movie didn't leave much room for anyone outside the core cast not to mention random white faces thrown in for good measure. The main characters went away to Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts, a summer vacation island, in the winter time. So obviously the island wouldn't exactly be teeming with life. Not too much opportunity to run into a random white person there. For most of the film the characters stayed in and around the house they were staying in. Not too much opportunity to run into a random white person there either. Oh yeah, but there was the white guy that gave one of the main characters, Ricky a blowjob in a barn somewhere on the island. There you are, there's our random white person. Happy now?

Trivial fabricated reverse racism issues aside, the movie was good, very enjoyable. One of the best, if not the best in the black gay and even the gay genre. Definitely a step up production-wise from the show. It's funny, it's warm and highly entertaining, you never know what's gonna happen next.

The movie tackles the ups and downs of gay relationships in various stages, the hopeful optimism of the main character Noah (Darryl Stephens) and his groom-to-be Wade's (Jensen Atwood) relationship, the worn-in pessimism of Chance (Douglas Spearman) and Eddie's (Jonathan Julian) relationship and Alex (Rodney Chester) and Trey's (Gregory Kieth) relationship. The latter two are long term, seemingly harmonious, yet troubled gay marriages. Their troubles, which are excellently portrayed in the film, don't ultimately end up being enough to dissolve either marriage though. The arc wouldn't be complete without a look into the resident promiscuous, commitment-phobe Ricky's (Christian Vincent) numerous trysts throughout the film, the most prominent of them being with "Noah..." newcomer, the young Brandon (Gary LeRoi Gray) who is also a student of Chance, his college professor. Oddly enough you may remember Gray best as a child actor from his role on "The Cosby Show". He played Nelson Tibideaux, one half of Cliff Huxtable's (Bill Cosby) set of twin grandkids, Winnie and Nelson, his oldest daughter Sandra's children with her husband Elvin. In the film we finally get to see what lies beneath Ricky's oversexed behavior, his secret love for Noah which ultimately had to succumb to Noah's love for Wade. in between all of the twists turns and drama are hilarious appearances from recurring characters Brandy, Noah's coke sniffing boss (Jennia Fredrique) and adorably obnoxious British rapper Baby Gat (Jason Steed).

"Noah..." is a feel-good, laugh riot that serves up just the right of heartfelt drama and emotion to make us all remember why we're all fighting for gays to marry and jump the broom in the first place.

GO SEE IT!

If you're in New York you can see "Noah's Arc: Jumping The Broom" at:
Clearview Chelsea Theatres
260 West 23rd Street
off 8th Avenue
New York, NY 10011
(212) 691-5519

If you want to check movie times and availability anywhere around the country click here for the "Noah's Arc..." movie listing at Fandango.com.

And for even more info check out: NoahsArcMovie.com

Think about this. Isn't it funny how people criticize more positive black films like "Noah's Arc..." and "Boomerang" for lack of white characters, but you never hear the same criticism for gangbanger films like "Boyz In The Hood" and "Menace 2 Society"? Interesting.

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Playing In The Background...
"Sandcastle Disco"
by Solange
from the album "Sol-Angel And The Hadley Street Dreams"
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This has been my romantic life for the last couple of weeks:

Adam meets boy.
Adam and boy talk.
Boy comes to see Adam.
Adam cooks dinner.
Adam and boy have have a good time.
Adam fucks boy.
Adam and boy cuddle.
Boy tells Adam that he'd like to get to know him.
Boy has to leave so Adam walks boy to the train station.
Adam and boy make plans to see each other again.
Adam texts boy.
Boy never texts back.
Adam hasn't heard from boy since.

Adam meets another boy.
Adam and boy talk for a couple of weeks.
Adam and boy have actually known and liked each other for a while but have never made any moves toward each other romantically.
Boy comes to see Adam.
Adam and boy mess around.
Boy sucks Adam's dick.
Adam and boy cuddle.
Boy spends the night.
Adam cooks breakfast.
Adam and boy make plans to see each other again on Sunday.
Boy leaves.
Sunday comes and goes, Adam doesn't hear from boy.

Yeah, so that's it. What's weird about it all is that situations like these don't hurt me as much as they used to. In years or even months past I'd be a basket case, calling and texting trying to find out what happened and what went wrong. Now I don't bother. Situations like this annoy me more than anything. I LOVE honesty and I HATE my time being wasted. If someone only wants sex or a hot meal or a place to stay for the night and is not attracted to me, I'm absolutely fine with them telling me that. Lord knows I'm honest with people about how I'm feeling. I don't have the patience to lead anyone on. At the end of all the day honesty is always the easier choice. If someone told me to my face 'Adam I think you are the ugliest thing on Earth' I'd have more respect for them than if they sat up in my face lying and telling me how cute they think I am. I don't why they stopped calling and at this point I don't care. It is what it is.

The bright side to situations like this is that they tend to make for good blog posts. Being a blogger I tend to think of my life and it's misadventures in terms of blog posts. Something happens and I'm thinking 'this would make for a good blog post' or 'how do I present this situation in a way that makes for an interesting read?' or 'what am I gonna have Playing In The Background... when I write about this?' I'm not sure how healthy that is, but what's tragedy good for if you can't exploit it for your professional benefit? Ask any of our favorite singers, songwriters, poets and writers that question. What has driven a good portion of the most prolific music, art and books of our generation? Pain.

Speaking of pain, rather than wallow in all of this and fall into my rut of emotional eating and beating myself up asking why, as of late I've taken all of that energy and have used it in a much more beneficial way. I've been hitting the gym pretty hard lately. As soon as my mind started to drift into why the second boy hadn't called yesterday I jumped up, put on my sweats and sneakers and headed right to the gym.

Turning 25 has really had an impact on me. I'm not a kid anymore and my metabolism ain't gettin' no better. As I get older I'm realizing that it's gonna take a little effort to stay in shape. It seems like everywhere I look, especially in the New York gay scene filled to the brim with aspiring actor/model types, everyone around me has pecs and abs and what not, especially these kids coming up, the eighteen and nineteen year olds. What the hell are these kids eating nowadays and why didn't anyone feed it to me?

After slightly letting myself go this past summer I begun to look at my body and myself differently. Seeing Madonna, a white woman literally twice my age and five years younger than my mother dance, sing and jump rope across the stage of the Izod Center earlier this month, doing more physically than I could ever dream of without as much as taking a breather, really put things in perspective for me. One of my secret dreams has always been to have the quote-unquote "perfect" body. Perfect for me at least, as perfect is relative. I never wanted to be one of those big muscley guys (I never liked big muscles and yes I made that word up). I've always fancied leaner, more cut up and defined body types. As of late I've been working toward that and it's been working. As always I wanted to share my fortune with you so I decided to post what I call:

Adam's Lazy Man's Guide To Fitness

On average I've been going to gym about five to six times a week lately. Now I'm not one of those people who is just loves to work out and loves the gym. I'd much rather be home watching "90210" eating apple pie and ice cream. I'm no gym rat and Lord knows that with working out there is pain, not horrible gut wrenching pain but pain nevertheless, well actually it's more discomfort than anything else, but as I've started to see results I've learned to appreciate the pain and it becomes worth it. As horrible as going to the gym regularly sounds for a lazy person like me, the more I incorporated it into my regular life I've come to realize that it's not so bad, but this isn't an easy place to get to. I realize that I'm no fitness expert or guru but these are the steps I took to get there. Hopefully I can help out a fellow lazy person.

1. Understand what working out is, what it does and why it does what it does.
2. Make going to the gym as easy and as not a big deal as possible.
3. The only thing we have to fear is fat itself.
4. Understand that "A shitty workout is better than no workout at all."
5. Understand that one of the best things about working out is that it counteracts all of the horrible foods you eat and will make you able to eat them with less consequence.
6. Align yourself with one of those crazy people that actually enjoys working out.

1. Understand what working out is, what it does and why it does what it does.

I've never been one of those "because I said so" people. Whenever one of my parents or someone older than me uttered that inevitable phrase during my childhood as reasoning for me to do something they commanded that I do it often fell upon deaf ears and subsequently a sore behind, but I didn't care. I'm not the type to do shit just to do it, I gotta know why I'm doing it. This carried over to my adulthood. While we know that working out and weightlifting builds muscle and gets people into shape many of don't know why, well at least I didn't. When this was finally broken down to me in a simple yet still cerebral way it all made sense and thus made working out something of interest.

This is how it was broken down to me. Working out basically works like this. To lift weights the body uses its various muscles. When we lift just the right amount of weight that pushes those muscles to their limit, they tear, hence the pain/discomfort/fatigue of working out. When those muscles tear the body naturally rebuilds them, but when the body rebuilds them it rebuilds them bigger and stronger. So if you continually increase the amount the weight you lift over time you continue the process of ripping, tearing and rebuilding the muscles of your body, hence the terms bodybuilding and ripped. Once you're satisfied with your size you won't need to increase the weight you lift. Protein in your diet helps a lot in this process, hence why people who work out are always drinking those nasty-ass protein shake things. For me understanding why and how this whole thing works made it more desirable to do and gave me some kind of direction to go in as far as all this fitness stuff is concerned.

2. Make going to the gym as easy and as not a big deal as possible.

Out of all the rules this is probably the most important for lazy people like us. If working out becomes to complicated we aren't gonna do it. In order to combat the arsenal of excuses I've built up for not going to the gym I've made going to the gym as easy as possible. I joined a gym six blocks from my house. In the past I'd joined gyms that were further away and as a result I found myself not going and the key to the whole gym thing is to go as much as possible. If you can drag your ass there more than likely you'll do something. Just getting to the gym is half the battle.

3. The only thing we have to fear is fat itself.

The gym can be a scary place. It can be pretty overwhelming for a beginner. All those muscular people banging and clanging weights doing all kinds of different exercises on different machines, levers and pulleys moving about as you wonder what its all for. Most gyms offer some kind of personal training assistance for beginners. It's not Hollywood celebrity caliber but it's cool to have to someone show you how all the machines work. Pay attention because when the introductory period of maybe a 45-60 minute session or two is over you're on your own, unless you decide to buy more sessions and that can get really expensive. Plus it's not really all that necessary.

In the beginning don't expect to be "He-Man" or anything, more than likely your lazy ass won't be able to lift as much as the gym regulars. My tip for beginners is to use the machines instead of free weights and be sure to read the directions on them before attempting them, also watch other people use them before you try them out. Your first trial on or with anything should be on the lowest possible weight setting just so you can get the movement together. After that find a weight that's mildly uncomfortable but that you can still move. You're just starting out so don't set crazy unrealistic goals for yourself. Pick a weight that you can move 10-12 times. The last few repetitions should be a little but not too difficult, you should feel them. Do the normal 3 or 4 sets of 10-12 repetitions with a short rest between sets. If you can't finish all the sets and reps just do it until you're tired, don't push so hard at first the point is to get yourself used to the whole gym-going life.

A lot of people, mainly men are intimidated by the gym as beginners. Lord knows I was. Here you go in your regular life smart as hell, shitting on those whose mental prowess is inferior to yours or maybe you're smooth, Mr. Man, Mr. Cool, with your big ol' dick, and/or your pretty face, Mr. Ladies Man or Mr. Mans Man (depending on whichever way you swing) or maybe you're rich and powerful, with hundreds of corporate minions trembling at every syllable that escapes your lips, well none of that shit matters at the gym. All of your status symbols, titles, bank accounts and all that other shit is checked at the door. The gym is all about physical strength and everybody has to start at the bottom.

It can be quite embarrassing not being able to lift weights as heavy as all the musclebound dudes around you. If you see five guys bench pressing two and three forty-five pound plates on each side you will probably feel a little foolish lifting the bar. Which for a lot of people can bring back terrible repressed memories of high school weight room. The easiest way to combat this is to start out using the machines. In most gyms the bench presses and dumbbells and other free weight activities that the bigger and more experienced people use are usually separated from the workout machines that smaller more inexperienced people tend to use. In my gym I'm lucky enough to have the free weights and the machines on separate floors, downstairs and upstairs respectively.

The cool thing about machines as opposed to free weights is that the machines do a good portion of the work for you, not so much of the lifting but of controlling the weight. When you bench press or do dumbbell curls not only are you lifting the weight but you have to use your strength to control the weight as well. Machines do the control part for you, which takes great stress off of the beginner. Losing control of a weight while lifting can cause great injury. The absolute best thing about machines though is that most of them are constructed so that no one can really see how much you're lifting. It's a great way to build yourself up so that when you do graduate to using free weights like I have you will be strong enough to not have to start out with the bar.

Now of course we all know that it shouldn't matter what people think about how much we can lift. And we should all be able to lift that bare bar with pride without our insecurities getting the best of us. A wise and strong man once advised me not to care about what people may think about how much or how little I can lift. That I should concentrate on me and what I need to do, fuck everybody else. Everybody, even the big and muscley guys had to start somewhere. The thing to fear is not the stares and snickers of the muscley guys, but the effect that fat, fast foods and the sedentary lifestyle of most Americans will have on our health. All of our insecurities won't matter once we're morbidly obese or once our arteries are clogged with fat and we have a heart attack. The only thing to fear is fat itself.

4. Understand that "A shitty workout is better than no workout at all."

Unlike like damn near everything else in life I see the gym as a quantity over quality thing. Don't not go to the gym because you feel as though you don't have enough time to devote to it. I say all you really need at the absolute least is a half hour a day. I'm way too lazy and too busy to spend three and four hours a day at the gym and besides after an hour to an a hour and a half I start getting bored anyway.

A wise man once told me that "a shitty work out is better than no work out at all". Many times I find myself getting to the gym an hour or even as little as forty minutes before it closes and although I don't have much time to spend there I still go as I don't wanna get out of the habit of going. Even if I'm kinda tired or really don't feel like going I still muster up the strength to go. I just probably won't work as hard but so what. I don't beat myself up over it. The key is to make the gym like eating and sleeping, a regular part of your daily life.

5. Understand that one of the best things about working out is that it counteracts all of the horrible foods you eat and will make you able to eat them with less consequence.

The coolest thing about going to the gym is that you feel a little better when you eat all the junk foods you like because you know that you are gonna eventually work them off (as long as you don't start eating more junk food because you started working out), but what's even cooler is that when you really start getting into the workout groove you'll want to eat better because you know that it will accelerate the results that you are seeing. So basically you're psyching yourself out, but instead of psyching yourself into thinking that Mr. Whatshisname is really gonna call or that some fake-ass bitches who aren't worth your time anyway really do like you, this psyching out is gonna actually do you some good.

6. Align yourself with one of those crazy people that actually enjoys working out.

You see those crazy-ass people at the gym, the ones that seem to be enjoying themselves, lifting those weights, all muscley and chiseled. These muscle people, although they are a different species from lazy folk like you and me do live outside the gym. It would do you some good to get to know one of them and even start working out with one of them as it'd be quite encouraging to you. I wouldn't advise that you start making conversation with random muscley strangers at the gym (although it wouldn't be terrible or anything), but rather think of people you know who work out regularly. C'mon you gotta know somebody, and if you're gay you have no excuse. Find that person and tag along with them to the gym.

I've aligned myself with a friend of my friend who lives down the street from me and works out at my gym. Not only does he work out regularly at my gym, he works out with his lover regularly at my gym. They are both "He-Men" who live together, are in a long-term relationship and are very much in love. It's a great thing to see. So not only do they encourage me to stay fit, their example encourages me that true love and finding the one (or at least the one you can learn to tolerate for the long haul) is possible.

Although I don't work out with them everyday, because I'm not trying to impede upon their couple, bonding workout time (I have better manners than that). I have taken what they've taught me and have applied it to my workout routine.

So, relax, follow these rules and working out shouldn't be so bad.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"The Workout"
by Utada
from the album "Exodus"
==========

==========
This is one of my favorite posts. It's about rules. I'm naturally a rebel, so I hate rules, especially dating rules, but there is one rule I follow though. Here it is.

Enjoy.

Originally posted on December 12, 2007 6:00 AM
==========

I really hate those people who like make up rules for every fuckin' thing. Like that awful fuckin' three month rule. You know, the one that says you have to wait until you're dating someone for at least three months until you finally fuck. Like, what kinda bullshit is that? I co-sign with my friend and lyricist extraordinare, Shorty Roc's sentiments on that:

"Three months! Three months, and you not fuckin him!?! If you not fuckin' then him who is? 'Cuz if you make him wait that long you know he gon' be fuckin' somebody..."

My sentiments exactly. That shit is stupid.

In general I don't like time contingent rules regarding people and relationships. We watch the damn clock enough in our lives between our jobs and schools and other obligations. Relationships should be the one thing that we allow to just let flow naturally. I mean, don't get me wrong, even though it's not my particular thing I guess there are some things in relationships that should have some sort of time based guidelines and you should never rush anything, but it's just the rigid, regimented nature of it all that rubs me the wrong way. In the end if things are good between you and the other person I say let nature do its thing and sit back and enjoy the ride.

((sigh))

Unfortunately as time marched on my outlook on rules began to change. As much as I hate rules, namely the three month rule, due to a few horrible experiences I'm finding it necessary to break my own rule and enact a rule of my own:

Whenever I meet someone and we like each other and decide to date I'm not gonna introduce him to anyone for at least a month.

A solid month, that doesn't just mean knowing him for thirty days either. It means that I would have to be seeing him on the regular, like two to three times a week for at least four weeks, that's the trial period. And by the end of that trial period we would have to be dating exclusively. As y'all know I tried the dating around thing and I'm just not into it. Besides, I'm way too jealous for that shit. If I'm really feeling someone I don't wanna be with anyone else while I'm trying to get to know them and I know that I can't handle knowing that they're with someone else, especially if we've had sex. And nowadays I'm too busy to date eighty-five people at once anyway.

Before the trial period is over I'll try my best not to even mention him to anyone, especially my friends. Of course I'll write about him on the blog, he'll be aliased of course. It's just that nothing's worse than liking someone and telling the whole world about them and having things just fall apart, especially when its so soon. 'Cuz then you have to deal with the questions: "Oh what happened to so-and-so?" and "Didn't you really like him?" and if things turn out really bad I'm gonna have to go into damage control mode. I think those first four weeks should be the trial of whether you actually like the person or whether it's all just lust and you're only holding on until you finally fuck. That's another reason why the three month rule is bullshit. At least if things dissolve during the trial period nobody knows it ever happened and we both go off into the sunset.

So that's it, that's my rule.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Scared" feat. Irv Gotti
by Ashanti
from the album "Ashanti"
==========

I went to a club on Sunday night, while I was there I got inspired and typed these words into my Blackberry. Overall I'm okay, but let's just say I wasn't having the best moment at the time this poem was written.

The Crowded Room Full Of Lonely People
by Adam Benjamin Irby

In the crowded room of lonely people
Lookin' for my plus one
Trying to find my equal
In this haystack
Trying to find my needle
In the crowded room of lonely people

We hide in our bubbles
The ones we don't wanna break
It's a facade
So real, but yet it's so fake
We strut around
Like life's just a piece of cake
In the crowded room of lonely people

I just wanna die
Just wanna break down and cry
I don't know why
Why I came out tonight
Wanna go home
Want someone just to hold tight
In the crowded room of lonely people

The music's blaring
My heart is tearing
'Cuz I'm comparing everyone to you
I'm sick of crying
There's no denying
That I'm not fully over you
But I don't know what else to do
Feeling lonely in this crowded room

Mortified
I just had to walk away
From this guy
This is too just much to take
Tried to say "Hi"
And he said "This is my date"
In the crowded room of lonely people

Couples kiss
And yes I hate them so much
'Cuz I miss
I'm missing the tender touch
Of the one
The one that's moved on and such
In the crowded room of lonely people

I just wanna die
Just wanna break down and cry
I don't know why
Why I came out tonight
Wanna go home
Want someone just to hold tight
In the crowded room of lonely people

The music's blaring
My heart is tearing
'Cuz I'm comparing everyone to you
I'm sick of crying
There's no denying
That I'm not fully over you
But I don't know what else to do
Feeling so lonely in this crowded room

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Whatever Happens"
by Michael Jackson
from the album "Invincible"
==========

==========
This is another of my favorite poems so I decided to repost it. It's about an itty bitty word that can make a huge difference in our lives. It's one that some of us should start using more often.

Enjoy.

Originally posted on April 17, 2008 5:53 AM
==========

No.
by Adam Benjamin Irby

So smart, so powerful,
So strong, yet true,
So clear, so concise,
Telling you what I won't do.

So potent, so forceful,
So real, so brave,
So defiant, non-compliant,
Telling you how I will no longer behave.

So fearless, so apparent,
So timely, yet long overdue,
Nowadays I'm finding,
It's become so much easier to say no to you.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"No Fool No More"
by EnVogue
from the album "The Best Of EnVogue"
and
"No"
by Kandice Love
from the album "Def Jam's Rush Hour 2 Movie Soundtrack"
and
"Unappreciated"
by Cherish
from the album "Unappreciated"
and
"Fool 4 You"
by Cherish
from the album "Unappreciated"
==========

Yes, hello all. My name is Adam Benjamin Irby and I am a big ol' bottom. I love dick, oh how I love dick so much. My life isn't complete unless I am sitting on a dick. In fact I am sitting on one one right now right now, oh yeah, that's right big daddy, that's the stuff.

Are you bitches fucking happy now?

I swear some of you people make me so fucking sick I could hurl.

It's been repeatedly brought to my attention that some of you have taken issue with the fact that I mention that I'm a top on my blog. Some have even gone as far as to say that I say that I excessively say that I'm a top because I'm trying to convince myself of it, like I have an issue with being a bottom, like I'm some kind of closet bottom or something. The wildest and most outrageous of the allegations is the suggestion that I have some kind of contempt for bottoms. That's the shit that makes me mad. This whole matter has to be the dumbest shit I have ever fucking read.

Lemme break this down: I fucking write fucking a fucking blog in which a considerable portion of it is about, guess what, fucking. Anal penetrative gay male sex to be exact. And when one is engaging in anal penetrative gay male sex with another gay male, one participant in that sexual act is known as the bottom, the penetrated partner and the other as the top, the penetrating partner. Do we understand that?

Are you still with me or am I moving too fast for you. Actually let's take a breather and let that sink in. If you need to go back and read the last paragraph over again... Alright, you ready? Let's proceed.

This is deep, now follow me on this, I don't wanna lose you now. So if when I have sex my preference and standard practice is to be the penetrating partner, that would make me a what? Don't all yell out at once, raise your hands, yes girl in the back of the room... Yes I would be a TOP.

If I write a blog post talking about sex, describing what I'm doing during sex, penetrating my partner, my role would be that of a what? Don't all yell out at once. A TOP. Bingo.

So I am a man who during sex prefers to penetrate other men with my penis and looks for partners who enjoy being penetrated. Most people would describe me as what? A TOP. By George I think you got it!

Now whether you personally think that I'm a top doesn't concern me at all, you can think I'm a bottom all day long, start a rumor, and email chain if you will. I don't give a fuck, I'm not fucking you, what's it to you? I only fuck with people who can read anyway and some of y'all obviously can't! If I were a bottom I'd have no problem saying it. I'd be the best dick riding-est, dick taking-est, bad-ass bottom motherfucker y'all ever seen and I'd talk about the shit on here with just as much candor and explicitness as I do right now being a top. Being called a bottom, or just plain ol' being a bottom isn't a bad thing or an insult. In fact I'd love to read a blog by someone who's a straight up full bottom who is as explicit as I am. I'd love to get the viewpoint from the other side. If you know of a blog like that let me know.

I even wrote a blog post about a time in which I bottomed (read that post here). How the fuck do y'all think I know that the shit is not for me? Y'all know I'm a freak. I had to try the shit out first. I didn't just pull this whole "I'm a top" shit outta my ass (forgive the pun), like what the fuck? So to answer the question, have I ever been fucked before? Yes. Did I like it? No. Is there anything wrong with being a bottom? No. I also wrote a blog post where I talk about how much I love bottoms (click her to read). This is ridiculous.

I'm sure some of y'all still stuck on that masculine/feminine bullshit may look at me with my silver baseball caps and airbrushed pictures on my banner and say "Oh that bitch is too cunt to be a full top." You think that shit bothers me? Hell no. Have I ever had problems getting ass when I want it? No. I know me, I see me, I don't think I'm feminine. I'm your average, everyday homo. I like Britney Spears and "Sex And The City" just like the next fag. Do I switch when I walk? No. But I like guys who do.

The only reason why I would say that I'm a top all the time is because I talk about sex all the time and when I have sex my position is what? TOP. You fucking idiots!

The overall issue here is not my saying that I'm a top. The problem is that you have an issue with whatever it is you do. Maybe you have an issue being a bottom? As for me, I'm good.

So you're probably wondering why this whole issue annoys me so much and gets me so mad. It's not because people may think I'm a bottom or that I'm scared that people will think that I'm a bottom or even that people think that I'm some kind of undercover bottom. I don't care about that. I don't give fuck what people think as far as that's concerned. I know what's going down in my bedroom. What makes me mad is the fact that someone would think that I have a problem with bottoms, a good portion of my friends and virtually all of my romantic partners are bottoms. Like hello, there are no tops without bottoms. I love bottoms.

Top, bottom, versatile, whatever, we're all gay men, no one is no better or worse or gayer than the other, this is bullshit. In a time where there are still motherfuckers who read my shit that still have a problem even telling people that they're gay you (I took a motherfuckin poll to prove it, look at it here) people are throwing stones at me for being an out and proud gay male who says that he's a top. Yeah, okay, that makes sense. But really, what kinda stupid, fucking asinine, ludicrous-ass bullshit is that?

Think about it.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Trading Places"
by Usher
from the album "Here I Stand"
==========

Addendum: I realize that this blog post was a lot, a lotta cussin', a lotta sarcasm and it may have even been perceived as angry. I'm actually not so much angry as I am annoyed by it all. That whole thing actually kinda blindsided me. As I stated I was offended by the fact that here I am a very out and proud gay black man getting all this static for saying that I'm a top while it's gay dudes out here trying to front on the DL. That is crazy to me.

People who've been around for a minute who know how I am read stuff like that and say 'Oh that's just Adam, he just needed to get something off his lil' bird chest.' (LOL) Either way the post wasn't meant to offend anyone who didn't need to be offended and if it did offend you, take a moment to look inside and ask yourself, why?

As always, I enjoy all of your comments, positive or negative and whether you agree with me or not I'm all about the discussion.

((Muah))
-Adam

==========
Welcome to yet another "Ask Adam..." blog post. Where readers of the blog send me their life, love, sex, relationship and other pressing questions. I'll do my best to answer and advise them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
==========

Today's question is from a young guy wondering whether he should get into the ballroom scene. I'm pretty sure that quite a few of you, especially my straight readers don't know much about the ballroom scene. The simplest most elementary way to describe it would be to say that the ballroom scene is composed of fraternal groups of dance teams that compete against each other runway walking and doing vogue-style dancing at competitions they call balls. These groups are called houses and hare usually named after things that have to do with fashion, such as the "House Of Misrahi" named after fashion designer Issac Misrahi, etc (click here for a more in-depth definition of the ballroom scene). It's something that's really big in the black gay community. Like the fraternities and sororities that are found on college campuses the ballroom scene can be quite all-encompassing and some overzealous participants in it have been known to get so wrapped up with it all that some say they actually lose sight of reality. It is for that reason that today's letter writer is concerned. So lets get to his letter.

Adam,

I need your help. I'm 21 now, on my last legs in terms of college, and will walk my first ball next week. I want to ask you, if you think it is smart, at 21, to just begin delving into the ballroom scene. Mind you, I am not going into the ballroom looking for life or close "girlfriends," drugs, or any other vice it is infamously associated with, I just want to vogue. I love the beat, the art, and it pulls me in, does that make sense to you? Sure, adulation and applause from those who enjoy the same thing is always nice, but it is not my main reason for getting into the scene. I don't know, I almost feel as if I am too late to really jump into the scene, (most kids start at 17, I only found out about the scene at 18-19ish, and have been going back and forth with the idea of getting in for a while). I just don't want to be seen by anyone as a ballroom queen, and I don't want to be caught up, but I do want to finally enjoy my gay, something I never do. I am always SCHOOL, SCHOOL, and more SCHOOL. What do you think Adam?

Thanks,
EnVogue

The thing is that even though I have an appreciation of the artform, I'm not a participant in the ballroom scene. Sure, I've been asked several times to join different houses, but I can hardly dance so there's no way my awkward ass is gonna be able to vogue. I often joke and say that the only thing I could ever do in a house is be secretary or treasurer. Besides it's just not my thing. But I wasn't gonna let this setback leave EnVogue's question unanswered so I decided to turn to an expert. I submitted EnVogue's question to my best friend Mike Icon, who walks schoolboy realness for the House of Icon and won in his category at this year's Latex ball back in June. Here's what he had to say:

My advice to you EnVogue is to not dive into the scene full force!!! Walk a mini-ball deluxe (like Jack's Mizrahi's Rumble Ball, a popular monthly mini-ball here in New York) so that you can get an idea of the "ballroom" feel!! People from the ballroom can be very shady and not everyones skin isn't tough enough for ballroom shade!!! You also want to give your self time to adjust to the scene, kinda get the flow of how its run, the politics of it all!! Make sure you performance is up to par, you don;t want to get chopped your first time around. Turn it to the point where people are gonna remember your name!!

You should look at the scene as a extracurricular activity and not a "lifestyle." Continue to do well in school and work because the scene can distract you and many people start to drift away from the important things in life and become 100% ballroom. Just take your time and make it fun. As far as your age is concerned, you're still young, some people are 28 years old that vogue and still don't get their LIFE, so this is a good age to start because your in a different stage and you level of maturity is very different than your average person starting in the ballroom scene!! Remember, "you make the scene, it doesn't make you!!!!"

-Mike Icon

So there you have it EnVogue. according to Mike you don't have anything to worry about. As long as you don't let the ballroom scene take over your life you should be fine.

-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Playing In The Background...
"Work"
by Ciara
from the album "Fantasy Ride"
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Today is an historic day for me. Tonight I'm going to see one of my favorite artists, Janet Damita Jo Jackson in concert for the first time. I've seen her do live performances for TV such as "Good Morning America" back in '04 and again earlier this year, "The Today Show" in '06, and TRL earlier this year but never a full on tour concert so I'm excited.

I'm checking out her "Rock Witchu Tour" as it rolls into the Izod Center at the Meadowlands in East Rutherford, NJ, the same place I saw Madonna two weeks ago. I'm hoping that the show goes off without a hitch. As we all know Janet had been diagnosed with vertigo but hopefully everything's alright as far as that's concerned. She performed in Washington, DC the other night and the "feedback" from that show was positive (forgive the pun). So I'm confident that tonight will be great as well.

I'm really excited about her adding songs from her first two albums, her 1982 debut and her 1984 release "Dreamstreet" to the set list as she's never performed songs from these albums on her big tours. I have no idea what the set list is like or what order it's in I wanna be totally surprised. I know Janet's gonna rock my world and LL Cool J is opening for her. Yeah, this is gonna be a really good concert.

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Playing In The Background...
"Young Love"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Janet Jackson"
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Remember that interview I did with my friend Carlos King and the Hot Boyz a while back about a new reality show that Carlos has put together, chronicling the Boyz, a group of black gay men and a woman (don't worry, if you didn't see you can it watch it here). Well a sneak preview of the show has hit the internet.

Check it out below:

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Playing In The Background....
"Hot Boy" feat. Dre
by Christina Milian
from the album "So Amazin'"
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I wrote a blog post on Tuesday entitled: "What EXACTLY Are You Looking For In A Man? Here's "The Secret" To Getting Him..." (which I suggest you read here before continuing with this post) where I tell the story of a close friend who says that using the philosophies of "The Secret" and "The Law Of Attraction" are the way to draw the quote-unquote "perfect" man into your life. He put his theory into action by making a list of all the attributes he wants in a man, mental, physical, spiritual, sexual, etc., and posted it on his wall in hopes that his list, being visible out in the universe will be somehow cosmically draw the perfect man it describes to him.

For experiment's sake and in cooperation with his theory I in turn made a list of all the attributes I want in a man and I posted it on the blog. I put these attributes into six categories: "Personality", "Relationship Habits", "Beliefs and Other Habits", "Miscellaneous", "Physical and Tangible', "Sexual Characteristics", and "Overall". I found that in completing this exercise that I wanted much more than I thought I wanted in a man, especially in the category of "Beliefs and Other Habits" which was substantially longer than all the others. Of course, as soon as I listed the physical attributes that I look for in a man that I knew that I was asking for trouble and that a comment like this would soon follow:

"From reading your post and others similar...

I can say that you fall into the usual group of typical gay men. The same ones who jump from man to man and wonder why they can't settle for real, real. The ones who fail to realize the common cause for failure. You come off as quite superficial in your desires...and I guess this can be a reason for your failed and failed again unions.

It's a lot about image/looks/sex...and less about substance. No matter how you become verbose in going in all the mumbo jumbo talk...it's just a disguise for the fact that at the end of the day...you are just too superficial.

All the best.
-Observer"

*claps hands sacrastically*

Bravo! Brav-fucking-vo!

How avant garde?

What a tour de force?

Don't you just feel great about yourself? Coming on here with your bullshit fake email address trying to call me superficial. Wow. How innovative? Like I've never heard that one before. If you read that whole blog post and only the parts where I mentioned looks and sex (the smallest parts mind you) are all you took from then it you are obviously insecure in those areas. The least you could have done is leave a real email address. You're like a kid who rings doorbells and runs down the block. Because you don't even have the courage to leave a valid email address I cannot have any respect for you or anything you had to say. You wanna be bold? You wanna be fierce? You wanna "read the gurls"? Bold and fierce is saying something to someone and having the courage to accept whatever it is they have to say back. I can and have admitted when I was wrong or when someone has pulled my card but you haven't. Nice try, but you fall into the usual group of typical people who try me and fail miserably. Now run along and join the others who've failed.

For future reference it's okay if you disagree with me. I welcome debate, I think it's great. But at least leave a valid email address so we can discuss the matter like adults. I may even want to sip further from your fount of wisdom, but I can't do so without a valid email address. I'm human just like you are, there's nothing to be afraid of. Don't be the annoying ass kid who rings doorbells and runs down the block. Have a little more respect for yourself and whatever you have to say.

- Adam
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Now what that comment did, besides annoy the hell outta me, was shed some light on a very sensitive subject that I've been wanting to discuss here, but have never quite found the right way to express: Looks. I'm about to get really honest here. Like really, really honest almost to the point where I was almost kinda wary about posting this because of all the drama I know it's gonna probably cause. A lot of people aren't gonna like what I have to say (what else is new), but fuck it. I'm just gonna keep it very real. Usually I'd save this for the end but I'm gonna start off with it.

The message of this post is to convey two things:

1) Looks matter. They do. Get into it. We're human. We have eyes. We see things. Anyone who sits here and says that they don't matter is lying to themselves. Looks aren't everything though, but in most cases they are what initially attract us to each other and to dismiss their importance in an attempt to seem deeper and more grounded than someone else is futile and unrealistic.

2) Anyone who sees someone else who accepts the above truth, that truth being that looks do matter and says to them that they are superficial is more than likely insecure in themselves and probably lacking in their own looks.

You know what the first thing I thought when I read the comment from Observer was? Ugly, she must be ugly. Someone rejected her due to her looks, she's scarred by it and my being specific about what I'm into struck a nerve with her. I don't know how Observer looks or her life story to say for sure that she's ugly or scarred, but she damn sure sounds like it. Someone who is attractive and secure in their looks would therefore understand the importance of looks in the scheme of things regarding attraction and coupling and not dismiss them or a person who knows the value of them as quote-unquote "superficial". Superficial is just another one of those words that insecure people throw around to make themselves feel better. Ooh some random anonymous computer person called me superficial, I'm gonna go into a corner and cry. Oh please.

Looks are what initially attract us to people. In a crowded club or on a dating website, looking at a stranger from across the bar or on your computer screen you can't see the content of his character or the virtue of his soul, you see how he looks. Looks are what ignite our initial interest in people were looking to date and with that we go deeper to subsequently discover the more important things, like what's in their heart and soul.

People like Observer like to try and make normal people like you and I feel guilty for having standards and expectations as far as looks are concerned, by throwing around words like shallow and superficial. I've always said that there is no such thing as prejudice when it comes to sex and relationships. Sex and romantic relationship are the closest instances in which people can be with one another and in such cases we are more than justified in being discriminatory.

Case in point. The times that I've been online or in a club and have sent a stranger who caught my eye a message or walked up to them and said hello, alluding to some sort or romantic overture or subsequent date and that person said to me "Oh, I'm sorry I'm not into black guys." or "Oh, you're a little too skinny, too young, too old for me." etc. Am I to then go back to that person and say that they are superficial just because they don't like me? Ummm no. Why you ask? Because they have the right to like or not to like whatever it is they like, even if it's not me. I can't fault them for that. Sure I may be a wonderful person inside, but if I don't ignite that initial aesthetic spark in that person that's okay. I'm okay. My inner wonderfulness will be for someone else who is attracted to me discover. I'd sound like a nut, or maybe like our Observer friend, to knock someone and call them superficial simply for liking what they like. And because someone is not into me that doesn't make me any less attractive or wonderful, I'm just not for that person. So I shake the dust from my feet and more on.

As far as that silly comment about my being quote-unquote "superficial" being the reason why my past relationships have failed. That's just retarded. I've dated quite a few people with a few significant relationships in between and things haven't worked out with those people for various reasons. To date someone means that we have gotten past what we look like, the thing that initially attracted us to each other and are into each other for deeper reasons due to the fact that we've gotten to know each other better. To say that my past relationships have failed solely because I date guys who look a certain way would mean that all of the guys I've dates are the same because of how they look and that's just dumb, or maybe that I responded to them all the same because of how they look, also dumb. That whole statement was a dumb, half-assed attempt at insulting me, that wasn't really thought out very well.

To believe that statement would mean that if I only date guys who I'm not attracted to everything would magically be okay. That I would have to as she says "settle" for someone. We are all way to special to have to "settle" for anything. To "settle" for someone is to do them a grave disservice. I want someone to want and desire me. To love me for me, all of me, looks and personality. I don't want to be with a man who has merely settled for me. Trust me, I've been down the whole 'oh I'm really not attracted to him physically, but he's a really nice guy so I'll give him a chance' road and that shit obviously didn't work either, you must not have read that blog post. So now what Ms. Observer?

People are so stuck on being nice and politically correct nowadays. It's not nice to say that you think someone is ugly. It's not nice to say that you feel that someone is unattractive. Why are you so scared to feel it? You're thinking it. It is what it is. So when people are specific about the physical aspects of the people they're attracted to we're so quick to call them superficial or shallow or mean. People want what they want and like what they like, if it just doesn't happen to be you or me that doesn't make us any less beautiful or wonderful. We're just not attractive to them, that one person or those people, big whoop. That's just one or a few opinions, opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one, so what if somebody doesn't like you. A good portion of the people who read my blog don't like me. Does that stop me from spreading my sunshine? Hell fuckin' no.

There is nothing wrong with you liking what you like. If you only like dark skinned men, or light skinned men, or big men, or thuggish men that's your preference and you have the right to have it. Hopefully you find that man of your aesthetic dreams that also has the best heart and soul and all the love in the world for you. That would be your quote-unquote "perfect" man. And I wish everyone that sort of happiness.

Love and relationships are not easy, as we learn and live our lives more than likely we are gonna have to date quite a few people to find someone who fits. That has much more to do with how the person is rather than how they look. Just because someone looks a certain way it doesn't make them a certain way. And just because you are attracted to people that look a certain way that doesn't make you superficial.

Like I said, that whole comment Observer left was just unfounded and dumb. Now I'm starting to see why she didn't sign her full name to her comment. I wouldn't have either. Observer's comment is so the cookie-cutter, knee jerk, typical reaction that an insecure person has to someone who is secure and not afraid to say what it is they want. So thank you Observer for totally missing the point of my blog post, just as I knew someone was bound to do and for being the inspiration of this blog post. People like you are just another reason why I do what I do.

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Playing In The Background...
"Echo"
by Ciara
from the album "Fantasy Ride"
==========

People have been asking me lately exactly what it is that I'm looking for in a man. I always thought it was pretty obvious. I want what everybody wants in a companion, right? We all basically want the same things, right? Usually I'd say something like "Oh, I want him to be good looking and nice, etc." When asked this question by a close friend, I gave that answer and he stopped me mid-sentence, saying no, that he wanted me to be specific about the attributes I'm looking for in a man.

He as well as many other people, including many of our favorite celebrities is a big believer in the philosophy of "The Secret" and "The Law Of Attraction". I'm no expert on it, but as it has been explained to me it's putting the things that you want out there in the universe, speaking things into existence, calling those things that are not as though they were, if you will. He believes that you get the things you want in life by proclaiming exactly what is it you want and by putting that energy out there you will attract what it is you so desire. He says that often we put way too much thought, concentration and energy into the things we don't want instead of what we do want, so it's not to even ponder upon those things. He says that it's a waste of energy.

It's all about not so much about physically looking for the things we want, but more about having the faith that the things that we want will come to us if we are open to them. Sounds like good old fashioned prayer to me dressed up in new age clothing. Even the term "calling things that are not as though they were" derives from the Bible. The latter clause of Romans 4:17 says "...calleth those things which be not as though they were". This is one of the cornerstones of the "prosperity teaching" movement championed by many of your favorite televangelists such Creflo Dollar, Paula White and such. Of course this whole thing is very controversial and has its many supporters and opponents in the Christian faith. But I digress.

He has posted on a wall in his apartment a whole laundry list of attributes he wants in a man (no joke) and he has full faith that this man will eventually come to him. So to answer his and