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Welcome to yet another "Ask Adam..." blog post. Where readers of the blog send me their life, love, sex, relationship and other pressing questions. I'll do my best to answer and advise them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
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Often many of us gays who come out don't come out to much anticipation and fanfare. Many of us, myself included, while happy to finally be honest with ourselves and the world about who we really are nevertheless pushed out to start over in a whole new social world we've never quite been able to fully explore before. Something which left many of us to ask the question, yeah, okay, I'm gay, so now what? Today's letter is from a reader in Atlanta who has recently come out and is trying to find his place in the gay world.

Hey Adam,

I just started reading your blog, and I have to say that I like more than most other black gay bloggers, because you don't seem to be overtly conceited, and give unnecessarily dramatic views on your sex life and other relationships. THANK YOU for that.

My question is about what my next step should be. I'm a junior college student in Atlanta, and I have recently come out to my friends and family. I want to know what exactly my next step is. The guys I see at school tend to be more flashy, loud and flamboyant than I. I don't knock them for doing that, but I can't really relate to them. I'm more reserved, and probably have spent more time in the library than in a club. I would go out, but I don't have any kind of support network yet in terms of friends. I want to be in a relationship, but I admit that I am terribly shy and uncool. I don't if I should just look for sex (seems to be the most prevalent thing) or try to get into a strong relationship.

I know Atlanta is supposed to be the black gay mecca, but all I have really seen are all these queens and pretty boys that care more about your equipment downstairs than ANYTHING else. I don't have expensive clothes or know the words to the latest Beyonce track, and I'm not the most attractive. But that should not prevent me from making friends that I am compatible with and integrating my sexuality into the rest of my life. Where do I go to build on this new part of my life? What's the best way for a newcomer to start meeting guys that aren't the stereotype, both for friendship and intimate relationships? Any advice at all for me?

 -Alien In Atlanta

Hey Alien,
About four years ago I was right where you are so I could totally relate. I was 21 and newly out with no gay friends and no one who I could talk to about all the things I was going through. I mean, yeah sure, there were my straight friends, the ones I grew up with, but they couldn't and didn't care to understand the whole gay thing. And frankly, I didn't know enough and wasn't patient enough to attempt to explain it to them. So yeah, I totally feel you. Like me, you don't seem like much of the go out, all up in the club type either and the idea of walking up to a stranger in a club and saying "Will you be my friend?" is ridiculous.

Much to the chagrin of the more Puritanical of us I would say going online is the best place to start from scratch. It's a great ice breaker and an even greater equalizer, there are no big I's and little you's online, regardless of what some of us try to portray. And while the queens at the club can be a bit much at times they seem to come a little closer to earth online. A general consensus is that all there is online is sex and that's just simply not true, it's all about the individual and what that person chooses to put out there.

I met my first real gay friend who took me to my first gay club and is the reason why I know half the people I know today on BGC (http://bgclive.com). Go there, fill out a profile and put up a few nice pictures. I would suggest G and possibly R rated non-nude pics, since you're not looking for sex. Although I have in the past, as of late I'm feeling that the nude pic thing is a little tacky a racier pic yes, nude pics no. And even with that you should tread lightly. Although it shouldn't be your goal you may even run into a nice gentleman caller. In that case TRUTHFULLY fill out all of the appearance and personality related questions they ask you, height, weight, whether you are in and out of the closet, masc/fem, etc. You can elect to fill out the more sexual questions as well such as dick size, sexual position, etc., I would, but that's me. Then there's the most important part, filling in a paragraph or so about who you are (be sure not to brag that's unnattractive) and what you're looking for (be sure not to go off into a rant about what you're not looking for and also be sure not to sound too needy).

Once you're done with your profile, browse other profiles, being sure to pay more attention to what they wrote about themselves rather than how they look. If someone seems interesting, hit them up with a friendly "Hello" and it'd also be cool if you reference something that they wrote about themselves on their profile in your initial message, it shows that you actually read they're profile and are not just looking for sex. And while you're browsing other members of the site they will be browsing you too. Also be sure to check out the message boards, members post about life and sex and dating, music and all kinds of things, browsing the boards can be a laugh riot and hours of fun!

Hopefully you'll find someone cool to talk to and after a while y'all can meet and that person can introduce you to other people which will in turn build your confidence up and eventually you'll get into the social scene, going to clubs and other events meetin people in person as well as online. Although a website shouldn't be the only way you ever meet people. It can be a really nice start. It worked for me. Good luck!

-Adam

PS: I'm totally with you on that Beyonce thing and just in case you didn't catch my drift earlier, don't go looking for the love of your life online, although its not impossible that you could find him that way, let's just start off with cool people and possible friends, okay? And don't let these jaded gurls scare you off, there's nothing wrong with finding friends online.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Playing In The Background...
"Be Happy"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "My Life"
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