Well here we are, on the last day of the year of our Lord 2008. For some it's been a great year, for others, not so great, especially on the financial tip. Before I go to church and out to party tonight I could not let this year go out without sharing my 8 lessons I've learned in 2008 just like I did last year, listing 7 lessons I learned in 2007 (You can check out that post here). So here they are:

Lesson One:
If it's too hard, it ain't God.
When God has something for you, he has it just for you. Whether you're into it or not, writing is something God had for me. It just comes naturally. I wanted to share my writing with people so I started a blog, people came. Many others have started blogs and people didn't come. It's probably not what God had for them. I suck at basketball, I'm pretty sure that's not what God had for me, but it's certainly what God had for Shaquille O'Neal. After taking that small step of faith, starting the blog I never knew that it would grow as much as it has, but it has. Even the book thing, I never really planned on writing a book. When I was seven years old my second grade teacher told me that I was gonna grow up to be a writer and that I should dedicate my first book to her, but I never really thought about it again after that. Fast forward, I'm an adult and I'm writing my first book.

This even goes for things that we ask God for. You praying about that new job, new car, or even just a way to pay your rent this month. Hey, I feel you, times are hard. But just know that if you're expecting something from God you don't have to lie and scheme to get it. Just do all you need to do and he will do the rest.

There's a song that they used to sing in church when I was growing up that said "What God has for me, it is for me." and it's true. When something is yours, it's yours. You don't have to stress it because whatever you don't get wasn't for you anyway.

Lesson Two:
Listen to your heart, it doesn't like to be broken.
The reason why we're in relationships that continually break our hearts is because we don't listen to our hearts in the first place. I was in a relationship where I knew from the beginning that he was not right for me. The things he would do, the things he would say. I knew after a couple of weeks that we we're not gonna make it for the long haul, but yet and still I kept holding on, letting my mind rationalize why I shouldn't let go. Cherishing the far and few good times, fear of being alone, fear of seeing him with someone else, the whole while, ripping my heart into shreds. If I had listened to my heart in the first place and let go before I got in too deep I would have spared myself a lot of pain. A lot of times we see the mind as smart and the heart as this wild free spirit and we tend to ignore our hearts, but in matters of the heart, the heart knows best.

Lesson Three:
Don't forget about your friends.
Y'all know how much of a romantic I am and how much I love me some love, right? Right. Coming into the year 2008 I promised myself that I'd take my focus off love and concentrate on strengthening my current friendships as well as acquiring new friends. 'Cuz you know how we can get when there's a new man in our lives. He becomes our instant everything and we tend to throw our friends, the ones who have been there for us before this new man came along and will be around after he goes along (if he goes along), to the side. I still wanna fall in love, and I know it's out there for me and that it'll come eventually, but while Mr. Right is on his way here, I'll be hanging out with my friends.

Lesson Four:
You can't be in a relationship all by yourself, no matter how hard you try.
Relationships should flow organically, in a symbiotic way. Yes relationships are work, but it's gotta be a labor of love and the both of you have to be working together because neither of you can quote-unquote "make it work" alone, no matter how much you do. It's like Deborah cox says in her song "Play Your Part", "Love is like a see-saw. It takes two in order for it to work..." If you're doing everything and they're doing nothing, you're in a relationship by yourself anyway, so being by yourself isn't much of a stretch, at least you could date. In a nutshell, don't ever bother running after anyone because you'll never catch up.

Lesson Five:
In a relationship I have to love you more than I love us.
I was in a relationship with someone where when we started I loved the idea of us more than I loved him. A lot of times we'll meet someone and be into him and want to fit him into our little box, our ideal, our perfection, our perfect couple, without getting to know who he is. In getting to know him I learned that he was not a person that I could be in a relationship with and that half of that time, the time we (I) tried to make it work, I didn't even like him all that much and we always argued. I still loved him, but we just couldn't quite get along in a relationship. We were in different places and wanted different things. I tried to compromise, in essence, change to suit him, which made me resentful and would then lash out at him because my investments in the relationship didn't yield the results that I expected in that he never compomised himself for me. He just wasn't in that symbiotic, give and take relationship space. Everything was all about him. I was doing all the giving and all he'd do was reap the benefits of my sacrifice. In loving myself and even him I realized that we're better just being friends. But if I had just gotten into who he is instead of who we could be from the get go we could have skipped all the drama, tension, and anxiety and just been where we are today. When you really love the other person for all that they are, the good and the bad things and are still cool with all of that, the us part will fall into place.

Lesson Six:
They always come back...
I wrote a blog post about this last week but I'll touch on it again. So you're hurt, wondering why such and such never called you back, why so called friend played you the way he did, especially when you were so good to them etc., etc., etc. I'll tell you this. Keep on living and I promise you that all those people will try to come back into your life again. And when they do you'll be over them and then wonder why you were ever so into them in the first place. Trust me.

Lesson Seven:
My silence speaks a thousand words.
When you're done with a microphone what do you do? You put it down and you walk away, you don't continue to speak to it. And that's exactly what we should do when you are done with a person and/or a situation. A lot of times we argue about something or respond to something they say in an effort to get that proverbial last word. Why? If there's nothing left then there's nothing left to argue about. And since there's nothing left then there's nothing that needs to be corrected or set straight. Let them feel the way they feel even if it's wrong. The case is closed so why are you still litigating? Why should you care about their opinion of you anymore? It's over. In saying nothing, you've said everything.

Lesson Eight:
Things are easier said than done but if you just did them there'd be nothin' else left to say.
If we spent half the time we spend obsessing over, whining about, and complaining about what we don't wanna do and just did it. We'd get a lot accomplished.

So that's it. I'm so excited to head into '09. I'm not one of those weird, new year, new beginning people, but I have to admit that all the hoopla is exciting. I wish you all a happy, healthy, prosperous and drama free 2009.

Much love,
-Adam

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Playing In The Background...
"Up"
by The Saturdays
from the album "Chasing Lights"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 06:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

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Pictures:
- Me and "B-Boy Blues" series author James Earl Hardy at his birthday gathering the weekend before Christmas.
- Some of my Christmas dinner that I cooked, peach cobbler, stuffing, and duck. I'm no food stylist, so the picture ain't great. It tasted better than it looks.
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Hey y'all,

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas weekend. Mine was great. I drank a little, partied a little, and ate a whole lot. I even cooked Christmas dinner for my friends. Y'all ain't know I could cook, did you? There's two rooms of the house I do my best work in, the kitchen and the bedroom. LOL

My little sister and her husband came up from down south for the weekend. She hadn't been to New York in a few years and he'd never been to New York so I got the chance to play tour guide. We all had dinner and drinks together, her and him along with me and my friends. It was cool that I finally got a chance to invite my sister into my gay life here in New York. It was nice for her and my brother-in-law, a straight church-going couple to eat and drink with gay folks and see that we're all not so different after all. Especially for him, a straight black man to see that not all gay men are triflin', nasty-ass queens trying to always "turn somebody out". It was a great experience. You know me, always trying to bolster gay-straight relations.

I want to wish all of you a very merry holiday season and a healthy and prosperous new year. Thank you all so much for reading and visiting the blog and for all the emails over the past year and even for stopping me on the street and telling me how much you read and enjoy the blog.

I appreciate you all so much, probably more than you know.

Much love and holiday cheer,
 -Adam

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Playing In The Background...
"Happy Holiday"
by Faith Evans
from the album "A Faithful Christmas"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 02:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

Last night I stopped by the laundromat to pick up my clothes (cuz, like who has time to wash their own clothes anymore?). When I walked into the laundromat I was greeted by my favorite of the girls who work there. Every time I see her we talk about all kinds of things, mostly love and sex, comparing my experiences as a gay male and hers as a straight female and she always takes good care of me every time I come. She was standing there with another woman who was looking me up and down. It almost felt as though they were talking about me before I walked in.

As I reached for my bag of newly washed and folded clothes the lady chimed in:

"How u doin?"

"I'm good."

"Where you live at, the Dunbar?"

"Nah, I live in a building up the street."

"Hmmm. You handsome too. Where ya girl at?"

At this point my homegirl is smiling from ear to ear. I was smiling too as I answered her.

"Nah, I'm gay."

She looked a little shocked. Probably because she didn't expect someone fairly masculine, low key and just regular like me to be gay. She and many straight people don't realize a lot of this time that the gays come in many shapes, sizes and dispositions. We're not all flaming queens, no offense to the flaming queens, y'all know I love y'all, probably a little too much at times, but that's a whole 'nother blog post.

"Oh aight. That's cool. Y'all are my best friends. Do you boost? Cuz' I know y'all can boost somethin' terrible."

"No I don't boost."

I told my little story to say this. Telling that woman at the laundromat that I was gay filled me with so much pride. Not like late June, walk down the street in a rainbow thong pride, but a more internal sense of pride. I thought about all of the years that people weren't proud to tell someone that they were gay and all the years that people were afraid. I thought about the gay men who in a situation like mine wouldn't have told a woman who was interested in them that they were gay.

This is definitely a new day. As we as gay people make our presence known to the masses via TV, music, movies, the internet and other media we shouldn't forget about the people in our own communities. The new gay rights movement in the US definitely gotta evolve to be a grass roots, person to person thing as well. Our battles aren't just for the lawmakers on Capitol Hill, but for our neighbors we see everyday. Sure, people see the Logo Network and shows like "Will & Grace", and may even understand the plight of the gays, but it's not real and we're not real, until people can say that they actually know a gay person. That personal connection with people is the only thing that's really gonna dispel the stereotypes and break down barriers.

I feel in my own little way that I taught that woman something, that all gay people aren't a certain way and that we don't all steal ("boosting" is stealing, just in case you didn't get that) and that we're normal everyday folks just like everybody else. With that knowledge next time someone says to her that all gay men are like this or like that and that all gay people steal, she'll be able to say, no that's not true, there's this gay guy around my way who's not like that. And maybe, just maybe, when or if gay marriage rights hits the ballots here in New York that woman will think of the handsome guy from around the corner that she met at the laundromat that night before she steps in the voting booth. Equal rights, that's what I want for Christmas.

Merry Christmas Y'all!

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Playing In The Background...
"My Christmas Prayer"
by BeBe Winans
from the album "My Christmas Prayer"
and
"What Child Is This"
by Vanessa Williams
from the album "Star Bright"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 09:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (12) | TrackBacks (0)

Lawd, when I sit and think of some of the heartache and drama I've gone through at the hands of these nigroes out here... The funny thing about life is that it moves in circles, you reap what you sow, you get what your hand calls for, you get back what you put out there, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera... 2008 has been a really interesting year for me, particularly my personal and romantic life. It seems like every dude who played me out and treated me like shit in my past has somehow managed to slither his way back into my presence this year, it's so funny. Funny because upon seeing them again the first thought to enter my head was 'what the fuck did I ever see in this dude anyway?'

There's this guy, let's call him Mortimer, Mort for short (that rhymed, hehehe, I'm obviously running out of "M" names here). Mort was this guy I met online a while back, we started talking on the phone, we established a rapport, we were talking quite a bit, things were cool. After a while, we finally met up, we slept together, the sex was good. He told me that he hadn't quite cleared up things with his ex (that he was still living with) and that he didn't want anything particularly serious from me, he wanted to keep it casual. Having been in a situation like this before I said: 'Well, you know, I'm good. I'm actually at the point in my life where I'm gonna need a little more, something with the possibility of a future' and I so wasn't gonna carry his ex baggage. So, although I didn't want to because he was so fine and the sex was so good, I know how I am, what I'm looking for, and how potentially attached I can get, so I had to give him up for my heart's sake. He seemed to have respected me for it.

A month or so later he hit me up, telling me that he hadn't stopped thinking about me, that he let the ex thing go, that he's all good with that now and that he wanted to explore the possibility of dating me. I was still on the market and I was still attracted to him, so I said hey, fuck it, why not? So we began to talk again, we chilled again, I cooked him dinner, we had sex, it was great. I walked him to the subway that night and never heard from him again.

Situations like this can fuck up even the best of us, even me. When somebody just stops calling, all out the blue like that you can't help but ask the question, what did I do wrong? You second guess yourself, you doubt. I wondered, was it the ex thing, was it just a sex thing, did he ever even like me in the first place, I mean fuck, what the hell was it? It's a really fucked up situation. I mean, at least if I knew what was going on it'd be like okay. If there were something I could reference this too, like if he was unattracted to me or something, something, anything I could wrap my brain around.

People, the worse thing you can do to someone is to just to up and stop calling them. If you don't want to deal with someone, at least be man or woman or transexual enough to let them know, that goes for me too, 'cuz I've done the shit too. I know it can be annoying, especially when you're over someone, you really don't feel like talking to them anymore, but human to human, you at least owe them that. It's not so much that cowardly act of abruptly ending communication with someone that's so bad, but the subsequent questioning of themselves that can really fuck them up. At least let them know that it's your flaky ass and not necessarily them with the issue. So, needless to say, I was fucked up for a little bit afterward. I sent the proverbial angry text message and needlessly told him to never talk to me again, which for ol' Mort wasn't a daunting feat as he'd already ceased communication with me, but hey it made me feel better at the time. A couple of days later, I was over it.

A few weeks ago, in the middle of the night, four in the morning, he sends me a text with a naked picture that said:

"Just checkin up on u".

The next day I texted him back these five simple words:

"You've gotta be kidding me."

See this is the kinda shit that I don't like. Don't just fucking vanish and reappear sending me some random ass naked pic at four in the morning, like that's gon' make shit okay. Like I'm some type of wilderbeast or caveman or some shit. You wave pussy in my face and I'm supposed to heel like a dog, fuck outta here nigga. He's not the first one to try that shit, using feminine wiles to wild the fuck out. If he wanted to step to me the right way he could have apologized, sans picture and treated me like a fucking person. To the deleted messages folder that shit went.

Like I said, ol' Morty ain't the only one either. I wrote a blog post last year called "Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures... Especially When You Become Desperate..." it was a bout this guy who played me so bad back in the day. In the blog post I called him Person #2. Don't you know Person #2's triflin' ass hit me up earlier this year wanting to see me again. He gave some half-assed apology and I'm not a mean person and I was bored that night so I was like, aight. I met him he was so tired looking. I can't believe that I used to think that he was so fine. He looked so gross and I'm so cute now, it was like ugh. How could I have let someone who looks like that hurt me the way her did? Okay, yes that was shallow, but it was a breakthrough for me, okay?

Then there was Michael from my blog post "Friendship, F**kery, Philanthropy & Philandery In Philadelphia...". Michael ass was tryna holla too. After looking at the pictures on his BGC page and his MySpace I was like damn, what the fuck did I ever see in you? Why the hell was I so in love with him and why the fuck did I let him treat me the way he did? Oh yes, because it's not about them, it's about us. Deborah Cox put it best in her song "Starting With You" when she said "He's only gonna treat you the way he knows he can. It's all up to you my sister to show him that he can't..." and she's absolutely right. Let's not put our power in the hands of someone else, the reason why we're in any fucked up relationship, friendship or cruise ship is because we are allowing ourselves to be there. Anyway, the shit was funny to me. It was like damn, three years ago I was head over heels for this dude and now I wouldn't even walk down the street with his ass, crazy huh?

These three situations we're some of the most significant but there have been a litany of other triflin' ass ex dates that I run into at a club or on the street or online this year who have tried to wiggle their way back into my good graces, some literally throwing themselves at me and it's just like why? I thought I wasn't shit so why the fuck are you in my face now? It's funny. I say "Hi.", dryly answer their inquiries as to what I'm doing with my life now and I keep it moving. Wish 'em all the best but I'm in a different place now. I've transcended those people. They've come around so often now that I have a name for them. I call 'em "boomerang bitches" 'cuz they always come back. You threw me away, but you're the one coming back? Funny.

I've said all of that to say this my friends. I know that it's hard right now. It hurts that that dude, that girl did you wrong. I feel your pain. I know better than just about anybody how it feels to cry and not feel like you even wanna go on, especially now during the holidays. I have never had a boyfriend on Christmas before and that's okay. I know what it's like to be so into someone and have them just suddenly stop calling you and how it feels to torture yourself with the questions the and self doubt. I know what it's like to be all the way down.

It's cliche I know, but the cool thing about being all the way down is that you have nowhere to go but up. I promise you that it's gonna get better. I know that because it got better for me. Cry your tears, let it out, but stay strong, stay on your grind, find comfort in your friends and family, channel your anger into your work. That's what I do, especially with this blog. I personally get so much out of writing this blog, y'all give me so much, y'all don't even realize. I treasure all of the letters and correspondence I get from y'all and it's gotten me through so many hard times. Y'all are such a gift to me.

Not that this anything you have to worry about, but if you keep on living, everybody who did you wrong will get it back. Either you'll see them again a month, a year, two years later once you're strong and over it (yes, I now it sounds crazy now, but you'll eventually get over it) and more than likely you'll ask yourself, what the hell you were doing with that person in the first place or someone will put them through what they put you through, both outcomes will set the universe at an equilibrium, but let God take care of that. He'll work it out much better than you can.

Merry Christmas!

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Playing In The Background...
"You Had Your Chance"
by Mariah Carey
from the album "Charmbracelet"
and
"Go Ahead With All That"
by Chante Moore
from the album "Exposed"
and
"Damn"
by Vivian Green
from the album "Vivian"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 10:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (8) | TrackBacks (0)

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Welcome to yet another "Ask Adam..." blog post. Where readers of the blog send me their life, love, sex, relationship and other pressing questions. I'll do my best to answer and advise them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
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I'm what you'd call a gold star gay man, in that I have never had sex with a woman and don't really want to. A common misconception about gayness or gayhood, if you will, among straight people and even some gay folks is that the reason why many of us are gay is because our first or only sexual experiences are or have been with the same sex. Some even go as far as to say that things like molestation by older people of the same sex during childhood is a reason why we're gay. People who believe such theories are basically saying that being gay has to ultimately be the result of a sexual choice or some sort of unfortunate circumstances. They believe that gayness is not inherent or natural in human beings, that the only difference between a gay and a straight person is sex, that sex makes you gay, that there are no gay virgins and that no one is born gay.

Many Christians and other religious adherents would say that one couldn't be born gay because God can't make a mistake and that being gay is some type of mistake or defect. This theory is a bit odd because Christians believe that we are all born in sin and cannot enter the Kingdom of God or Heaven when we die without the intercession of Jesus Christ. Basically that means that a baby, who has done nothing in life is born a sinner, by no actions of their own, but because of the original sin of Adam and Eve. And once that baby gets to an age of understanding where they are told that they are a sinner must be saved, they then are then responsible for doing so, if not they will burn in hell for all eternity upon death or Christ's return to Earth, whichever comes first. The head scratcher here is that; how can you believe that homosexuality is a sin and that we are all born into sin, but it's impossible to grasp that someone can be born gay?

This dilemma is what today's letter writer is grappling with. Let's read her letter.

Hi Adam,

My question for you is do you believe a person has to be sexually active to know there sexual orientation? The reason I'm asking is my older cousin told me I'm confused and I don't know who I like because I'm still a virgin. I tried to explain to her that I've been attracted to both male and female since I was a little girl. I even tried to lift up my teacher's dress when I was like seven. I don't have to have sex to know who I like. I didn't just wake up one morning and decide to follow the trend of '08 but, I did decide to be honest with my self and the people i feel needed to know. Yeah, so I just wanted your opinion on the situation.

Thanx,
 -Lesbian Virgin

Hey Lesbian Virgin,

After I came out to my mother a few years back on of the first things she said to me was that "You ain't gay! You just a freak that's all. You just do that because that's how you lost your virginity." She believes that I was born straight and somewhere along the way I chose to be gay. What she and most straight people didn't understand is that I and most gays have a sexual and romantic affinity for the same sex long before we're old enough to do something about it, the same way it is for straight people toward the opposite sex. I tried many times to get a peek at another naked boy when I was younger, just like a straight boy would wanna peek at a girl. Stories such as yours about you as a child looking up the teacher's skirt are not uncommon at all for gay youths. It's the same way that a young straight boy would try to look up his female teacher's skirt, but for him they'd say that it's natural curiosity, for you, you're just a freak. To say that this is a double standard is more than an understatement, it's a real statement. Gays and straights are certainly judged by two different standards although our sexual development is pretty much the same. The only difference is that heterosexuality is nurtured while homosexuality is condemned.

Another thing that my mother said that day that I came out to her was that she thought that my gayness could have been a result of sexual molestation. She then recited a laundry list of different men I've encountered throughout my life, ministers, family friends, even my own father, asking if any of them had molested me. And no I was not molested, I'm just a homo, but for many, because of religious and societal conditioning that homosexuality is bad and wrong and evil and abominable (like the snowman lol) that fact is hard for them to believe.

LV, don't go down the same path many young lesbians do in your situation and believe what your older cousin is telling you and just go and sleep with a guy just because. If you really don't feel romantic attraction to a man, don't force it. I'm not going to encourage you one way or the other, but what I will encourage you to do is follow your heart. If your heart says gay, be gay, if it says straight, be straight. Don't let anyone tell you that you are confused about you. Remove all influences from your head, get somewhere where you can be alone with your thoughts and think about what you really want. You know you better than your cousin or anyone else knows you and you will have to live with whatever decisions you make. Too many young gay people in situations just like yours get married to the opposite sex and have kids and get to be damn near fifty before they decide to come out and in the process they needlessly shatter the lives of their spouses and children just because they couldn't be real with themselves when they were twenty. It's ridiculous, just be you, whoever that is.

LV, you sound like you've done all of this already so I'm so not worried about you. This I will say to your cousin though:

Cousin, calm yo ass down! Stop telling that child that she's confused just because she hasn't had sex with a man. You knew you liked dick before you took your first ride so why can't she know what she likes before she gets her first lick. I know that dick is probably really good to you and you probably can't fathom why any woman wouldn't want it like you do. But there are women who don't like dick, they're called lesbians and your cousin is one of them. So stop trippin', make yourself useful and be the supportive cousin I know that you can be. The only reason why she thought enough of you to tell you is because she loves you. Now it's your turn to love her back. I know that you are concerned for her and yes the road ahead for her won't be the easiest, but she'll get through much better with your love and support.

Now can we please put this no one is born gay shit to rest already?

-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Playing In The Background...
"Controversy"
by Prince
from the album "Controversy"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 06:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Last Saturday I appeared on the BBOP Podcast Show. Me and BBOP (pictured above righr) talked about a whole bunch of stuff and for the first time ever I gave away the title of my upcoming book and it's basic plot.

It was a fun interview check it out here.

I don't come on until 33:10 in.

Enjoy the show!

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Playing In The Background...
"Erotic"
by Keyshia Cole
from the album "A Different Me"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It's almost 2am and I'm just finished my nightly ritual of watching porn on Nubian101 and jerking off before bed. In my video of choice tonight I noticed that the bottom was yet another ex date of mine. Damn, another one, another one bites the dust. That brings my tally up to six now. I wrote a blog post about this a little over a month ago when I discovered the fifth person and now this the sixth, this is crazy.

This one though, was different than the other five. Me and him never had sex. In fact, when I was trying to hit it like two years ago he was on some 'Oh I don't get down like that! I don't give it up quick like that!' shit and he stopped calling me. Now I see him getting the life fucked out of him by some porn dude and he could suck a mean dick too. Go figure. Just this past summer he'd got back in contact with me and was trying to get close to me again and I kept brushing his ass off. If I was so inclined I probably coulda beat, scratch that, I know I coulda beat. Dudes, they say one thing out of one hole and do something else with the other. Ain't that some shit?

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Playing In The Background...
"Racey Lacey"
by Girls Aloud
from the album "Chemistry"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (10) | TrackBacks (0)

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Welcome to yet another "Ask Adam..." blog post. Where readers of the blog send me their life, love, sex, relationship and other pressing questions. I'll do my best to answer and advise them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
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No matter how slutty we are or how slutty people say or think we are, everybody's got boundaries, some things they just will not do. Some women, take it up the ass like a champ, but will only save the cooch for marriage or vice versa. Some gay men will suck all the dicks in the world, but won't get fucked until they find "the one". There was a time when I fucked damn near everybody, but would not give head unless I was really into and dating a guy and even then it was light, shit, I'm still like that, sans the fucking everybody part of course. Today's reader letter is from someone in a situation similar to mine, he doesn't wanna just give head to every Tom, Harry, and Dick's dick but isn't sure how to express that to his sex partners, especially once he's already received head. Let's jump right into it.

Hey there, Adam!

So I have to get oral for a hot minute! I know that giving head isn't really your forte, but I have a question: How exactly do I explain to a guy that I really don't like doing it after they ALREADY gave me a blowjob?

Here's the thing... I don't really mind sucking dick... I suppose it's OK, but unless I'm really REALLY feeling the guy I don't automatically jump to sucking.

What often happens is that I hook up with a guy and he swoops down HELLA fast and starts going at it. When he comes up for air, he's then waiting for me to reciprocate. Don't get me WRONG... I LOVES the dick!! I love everything about it! I will jack it off, spoon with it, whatever (I don't wanna get too explicit... haha); but I'm just not a fan of having the dick all up in my mouth.

Does this make me a greedy bastard for not returning the favor? Should I just SUCK IT UP and do it?

**sighs**

I know you'll have a clever answer for me!

Hope all is well...

Sincerely,
Not aHEAD Of The Game

First off I want to say wow NAOTG, you just know that I'll have a clever answer for you, huh? I mean, oh my gosh, do you know what kind of stress that puts me under? I'm kidding, but thanks for the vote of confidence.

As far as your question is concerned, like the wars in the Middle East, and most other horrible conflicts between human beings throughout history your issue comes as a result of a lack of communication and a bit of selfishness on your part. For me being a top and having dealt for the most part strictly with bottoms, there isn't much pre-sex parameter conversation I've had to have. We both come into the game pretty much knowing what we like to do, but if there are any deviations from the script we discuss those before anything pops off.

NOATG, at the surface yours is quite a simple problem. If you uttered a simple, "Ayyo, nah son I don't really give head all quick like that." or an "Ooh daddy I don't suck no dude's dick I just met all quick like that, you gotta marry me first." or a "Miss Honey, I don't see it to munch your bird tonight, it's no shade." you know, however you talk, then your whole problem is avoided. I think, scratch that, I know that the issue is more about you not wanting to say that you aren't gonna suck his dick out of the fear that you won't get your dick sucked and that sir is dishonest, deceitful, and just not nice. In your words, yes you are "a greedy bastard" and you know it. He ain't moving that damn fast!

My advice to you would be to just be honest with the guys you're hooking up with. Yes it very well may be a deal breaker at times, but that's the chance you take when you want something done to you and are completely unwilling to reciprocate it. I've had many guys walk away from me because I wanted to fuck them and wouldn't let them fuck me and you know what, that's okay. Those guys just weren't the ones for me. So if you want to continue seeing the same type of guys you've been seeing you may have to compromise a little on the head thing. You'll be surprised though, there are plenty of guys who are not into getting their dick sucked (I'm not one of them, but they're out there). Only thing is that most of those guys are probably full bottoms and I'm no clairvoyant or anything, but I don't get a top vibe from you.

My even greater piece of advice to you NOATG is to find a guy and actually get to know him so that you can 'really feel him' as you say and you guys could both suck eachother's dicks happily ever after.

-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Playing In The Background...
"Head"
by Prince
from the album "Dirty Mind"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (9) | TrackBacks (0)

A few weeks ago I was asked to appear on "Mocha Lounge", an online talk show hosted by Rob Smith (of "I Want To Work For Diddy" fame) and Ramon Johnson, gay lifestyle editor for About.com.

The show is simulcast on the LOGO Network's AfterElton.com and The Mocha Lounge Blog.

We talked about the blog, how I started it, how it feels to be so open about my life, whether any ex-dates have contracts out on me, stuff like that. We also talk about HIV and I even give out details about the book I'm currently writing.

Check it out and lemme know what you think:

Check out the LOGO Network's AfterElton.com here.

Check out all the episodes of "The Mocha Lounge on The Mocha Lounge Blog.

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Playing In The Background...
"Please Don't Stop"
by Keyshia Cole
from the album "A Different Me"
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