"I'm thinking to myself this man has no respect for me..."
Mary J. Blige
from the song "It's A Wrap

This past week we'd been experiencing an unseasonable heatwave here in New York City. In my neighborhood of Harlem, the black gay mecca it is, the boys have been out, all times of the night. Standing on the street corners, talking and chillin' with friends tatted up, in fitteds, cut off shirts, wifebeaters, sweatpants, and sagging shorts that show off the perfect amount of ass in the back and just enough dick print in the front to tease. Lingering looks and flirtatious stares are exchanged, making the sexual tension so thick it's hard for the cars to drive through it. It's cheatin' season. After being hugged up, snuggled up, bunned up, and booed up all winter the kids are coming back out to play. Hot fun in the summertime, the clubs, the beaches, the streets and not to mention Sizzle in Miami, make this a trying season for relationships.

I've been thinking a lot about cheating lately, not about going out and performing the action of cheating, but about cheating in general. Most people would say that cheating is a breach of the love covenant of a relationship. I believe that cheating is breach of respect. Just because you go out and fuck someone else doesn't necessarily mean that you don't love your unsuspecting partner at home, you just don't have much respect for them at the time. Uh huh, you ever watch "The Maury Povich Show", he has cheating husbands on his show all the time, they take lie detector tests and everything. While the husbands almost always fail the cheating questions quite miserably, the one question they almost always pass is "Do you love your wife?" Sure they love their wives, but they just couldn't resist the lure of some stray pussy on the side. Cheating isn't so much about your partner, it's about you and your selfish desires. Yeah, I got a dude at home, but this dude looks good too and he wants me, so I'ma get some of that too, who's gonna know?

Being a person who has cheated and who has also been cheated on. I can speak from both sides of the spectrum. The worst thing about being cheated on besides being haunted by the act itself is being lied to and kept in the dark about it, especially if your partner cheats on you with someone you know, there's nothing worse than that shit. Both of these bitches smiling in your face knowing that they did what they did... what the fuck? Sorry, I had a flashback. Anyway, this is where the respect issue comes in. Nobody likes being played like a fool.

Being a person who has cheated I can say that often times your partner wouldn't want to just come out tell you that he cheated, not necessarily because the affair is still going on, because it could be believed that most cheating in general is a one-time or a string of different one-time things, but because they may feel bad about it and just wanna move on without having to endure the consequences of you finding out. Selfish, once again, but that's what cheating is about, self-gratification at the expense of the one you love. And like those husbands on "The Maury Show" upon seeing their wives, hurt and crying, you can see the remorse in their eyes, many of them I'm sure thinking 'was the stray pussy really worth all of this?' It usually isn't, but by that time it's too late and what's even more sad is that all the drama could have been avoided.

Sex, like love a lot of times is like a high, it's illogical, it's electric. God designed them that way so that we as human beings would be attracted to each other. Without the desire for love and sex we'd all live as autonomous pods with no perceived need for each other and the human race would go extinct. When under the influence of sex, things could happen, stupid things, like cheating. What's the number one thing a cheater says to an angry partner? "Baby I'm so sorry, forgive me. It was stupid. I wasn't thinking." You damn right you weren't thinking, you were high off that sex right then. But that irrational behavior is hard to explain to an angry, rational partner. It's not that you didn't love them while you were fucking that other person, your mind was too clouded by your own desires to think of how your actions showed such an overt lack of respect for them.

That's why today I want to appeal to your thoughts, to your intellect before you get under the influence of sex and selfish desire again. So many of the mistakes we've made in the throes of passion can be avoided if we just took a moment to think before we act. So before you or I get tempted again to go out and do some dumb shit this summer. I have constructed ten questions we should all ask ourselves anytime we are tempted to cheat.

1. How did I get MYSELF into this situation?
A lot of the time we end up cheating because we have lulled ourselves into believing that the situation is happening to us and we're kinda just caught in it, bullshit. The only way something like that could even be slightly possible is if you're in a club bathroom and some random cute guy says "I wanna suck your dick right now!", but even then a decision has to be made and you still have to agree to it. Most of the time cheating doesn't just happen. It's usually pre-meditated and very subtle, not even necessarily deliberate, especially in this technology age. Case in point: A cute guy hits you up on Facebook or MySpace, he's being inappropriately flirtatious (you know it's inappropriate if you wouldn't want your boyfriend to read it), but he's cute and you like the attention so you don't exactly shut him down by saying I have a man. Days go by and more messages are exchanged. Some are funny, some make you smile, you start learning little things about each other, little things you have in common, things that make it easier to rationalize the continuation of a "friendship" ("he just my friend, baby") you know is wrong. Phone numbers are exchanged. Text messages ensue. It all seems so innocent until one day you end up meeting your new "friend" and of course all of that sexual tension has been mounting. You look into his eyes, and he into yours, you kiss and well, you know the rest. Now once the nutts are busted and the sex is over you come down from the high and realize what you'd done. You cheated. So before all of that happens think about what you have done to put this into motion, what your role is in the situation because you certainly have one and now think of what you can do to get out of it.

2. What if the shoe was on the other foot?
You've seen it on all the movies and the TV shows. When the wife is cheated on the first question she always asks her husband with mascara running down her face, looking like a sad raccoon is "Do you love her?" I remember asking that question myself. "Do you love that nigga?" But being a man who was cheated on as opposed to being a woman, we tend to ask more sexual questions. Men are territorial creatures, so cheating on a man not only breaks his heart, but it fucks with his ego, something which can prove to cause a lot more damage. I remember being cheated on and asking questions like: Did you let him touch you the way I touch you? Did you kiss that nigga? Did you moan his name the way you moan mine? Did you suck his dick like you suck mine? Was that nigga inside you? Not to discount the plight of a cheated-on woman at all but it takes a strong-ass man to take a partner back after he fucked with someone else. And not to discount the plight of a cheated-on bottom, and maybe I'm just speaking from my experience here, but it's especially hard if your shawty was fucked by another dude. You look at him and all you see is that, some other nigga's dick inside of him It's like you can't even look at him the same way anymore, it's as though he's been scarred, soiled indelibly. Either way, it's a hard thing to rebound from and many couples don't. So before you do what you're about to do think about how you would feel if it was done to you.

3. Why am I cheating?
As I stated before, cheating is a selfish action. If you are cheating I would hope that you are doing it for your own selfish pleasure. Never cheat on your partner because they cheated on you and you just wanna get back at them. You're gonna give your body away and risking getting an STD (yes, because every time we lay down with anyone, especially someone new there's always that risk, use condoms people) just to spite someone else, that's just stupid and it won't make you feel any better. If you're mad at your partner because he cheated on you and have resorted to cheating on him for revenge sake, you obviously haven't fully talked and worked things out with him. Do that. Passing hurt and pain back and forth will never solve anything. If you don't want him leave him alone, but don't stay just try to attempt to make him feel the pain you felt when he cheated on you. That's petty, and dumb and will do nothing to help you heal. Another major reason for cheating is not being satisfied sexually or even emotionally by your partner. Have you been honest with your partner about this? As hard as it may be to tell your partner that "you're an unfeeling bitch who can't fuck worth a damn" that would still be much easier for them to hear than "baby, I cheated on you." And if the sex is that bad with your partner and it just can't be worked on. The respectful thing to do would be to go your separate ways and allow yourself and your partner to find people whom you are both more sexually compatible with. If you're nice enough about it, you both may even be able to be friends after it's all said and done, but don't try to hold on to them and still have your thing on the side, that's selfish. The other major reason people cheat is because they're horny and it's there and they can. In that case it's probably really not worth it. Pop in a porno, get some Vaseline (my favorite), grease up your hand, get your favorite dildo or fleshlight and try that out first. A lot of times once you bust that nutt and aren't so horny anymore you get over it.

4. What about diseases?
A lot of us in committed relationships get to a point where we stop using condoms. We can dispute whether this is right or wrong, but what we can't dispute is that it's real and that it's happening. If you are in a monogamous relationship with someone and y'all don't use condoms, how are you gonna fuck with somebody else and then go back to them like nothing happened? Even if you use a condom with the other person there's still a risk. I'ma keep it real, I've been in the no condom, monogamous situation before and one thing that's kept me when I've been tempted to wild out is that fact that I would not want to expose my shawty, someone I love, to a disease just because of my selfishness. It's one thing for me to fuck around and get caught out there, but to give that to someone else, especially the one I say I love isn't right. And I have said all that to say on record that we should all use condoms with every one, every time.

5. What is it about this person that makes them better than the person I'm already with?
Is he thinner, fatter, more muscular, sexier, better looking, does he have a bigger dick, fatter ass, of a different sexual role than your partner? Think about why you must have this person right now at the risk of your relationship. If he's all that let your partner go and be with this other person.

6. Would you want to be in a relationship with this person you are about to have this affair with?
The mistress is usually the mistress for a reason. The husband hardly ever leaves the wife for the person he's sleeping around with, she's just something to do. Think about the person you are about to cheat on your partner with, who is he? Where is he from? Do you know him? What do you know about him? What makes him so special that you'd risk everything to do this with him? And if he's all that special why can't you just be with him the honest way by telling your partner and cutting the relationship off to pursue something with this new person? Is it because you still love your partner? So what are you doing this for, again?

7. Do I really think he's NEVER gonna find out?
A lot of us engage in cheating because we figure, 'hey, he'll never know'. But how realistic is that? Living in New York City, the largest city in this country, with the largest black population, which would by default have the largest black gay population of any city in this country, I have realized that even with that, all of us know each other. If the world lives within six degrees of separation, we live within two. The idea of something happening and having it kept a total secret is highly unlikely, especially if it's something as juicy as an affair. If you tell your best friend and the other person tells their best friend it's basically a wrap from there. And looking at the bigger, more existential, more spiritual picture, what's done in darkness will always come to light. If you have not fully thought about the possibility of your partner finding out about your indiscretion, and I don't mean what lie you're gonna tell to cover it up, you should not be doing it.

8. Can I live with myself after having done this?
Okay, so it happened, you got lucky. Nobody knows about it, well not exactly nobody, because you know about it. As human beings we all have a conscience, and for most of us it's gonna be mighty hard keeping this secret, day in and day out, from a partner you say you love, looking into their trusting face knowing that you have betrayed them. For some of us, it probably won't be so hard, but then again, what does that say about the kind of person you are? Contrary to popular thinking, the longer you keep it in, the worse it will be when you finally confess, 'cuz more than likely, somewhere down the line, you will confess. Even if you don't confess, you may get drunk or high one night and the truth may slip out (that happened to a friend of mine). Either way, it's an uncomfortable thing to have deal with, not to mention the fear that you will always have that your partner is cheating on you, because you cheated on them. You bust a nutt one night and have to harbor all that shit in your psyche for the rest of your life, it it really worth it?

9. Am I prepared and okay with him leaving me if he finds out about this?
If you can answer yes to that question you need to stop wasting your partner's time and just break up with him. You obviously don't want him that much anyway. If you answered no, like most anyone would then you need to ask yourself the next question.

10. Is it really worth it?
This is the true and underlying question. Think about all the time and energy you have invested into your relationship. The joy, the pain, everything y'all have been through. You know his mama, he knows your mama. He knows all about you, your favorite drink, how you like your coffee, he DVR's all of your favorite TV shows. He loves you when you have money, when you're broke. He's seen you with a haircut and a shave, and without it. He's seen you when you look fly, he's seen you when you look busted. He's even seen you cry. Do you wanna risk throwing that all away, do you wanna risk breaking his heart, do you want to make him cry? All just to fuck with another dude you probably don't even know. What does that say about the respect you have for him? Is it truly worth it?

So there you have it. Stop and think about these things next time you're in a situation you know you shouldn't be in. Think and then follow your heart, see the difference it makes, if any.

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Playing In The Background...
"Before He Cheats"
by Carrie Underwood
from the album "Some Hearts"
and
"It's A Wrap"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Love & Life"
and
"Was It Worth It"
by Keyshia Cole
from the album "Just Like You"
and
"It's Not Fair"
by Glenn Lewis
from the album "World Outside My Window"
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