O, wretched dick of mine The trouble thou has put me in
O, wretched dick of mine How thou hast caused me to sin...

Last night I did something I hadn't done in a while, I went out to a club. I've never really been one to go out to the clubs much, I'm actually much more of a homebody, believe it or not, but a good friend was having a thing and I like, had to go so I went. Me walking into a crowded club is like a soldier walking onto a mine field, both of us having to tread lightly. So many reminders of my checkered past, the mistakes I've made, the wrongs I've done, so many faces not to look directly into. I've been here before, but it's different now, mostly because I'm different, I'm a little older. I'm not perfect, but I've learned from my mistakes.

I saw an old friend, let's call him Tom, I mean we weren't like, bff's or nothin' but we were pretty cool about two years ago. That is until I messed around with his ex-boyfriend, we'll call him Eric, like two days after they broke up. Yeah, it was fucked up, but at the time it was what I wanted and Eric wanted it too, so I did it. I rationalized my actions by reminding myself of how I knew that Tom used to chronically cheat on Eric, to the point of ridiculousness and honestly I kinda felt bad for the kid, I mean in all actuality, Tom deserved the shit, but he didn't deserve it from me. And at the end of the day, who am I to dole out the punishments of karma? I'm not God. I rationalized even further by thinking to myself that Tom probably would have done the same thing to me too if given the opportunity, and there's no doubt he would have, but that still doesn't make it right. Me and Tom socialize in different circles, but we still have quite a few mutual friends. Upon seeing him it's like we went into the awkward dance around each other. We both saw each other and knew that each other were there, we were standing next to one another at one point, yet no salutations were exchanged. Being the pretty confrontational person that I am there is nothing worse than this. I hate the awkward dance. Being the one that was wrong of course it was my place to make the first move toward reconciliation. Unfortunately a crowded club is the absolute worst place to do such a thing. What am I supposed to do, yell "HEY TOM! I'M SO SORRY FOR MESSING AROUND ERIC LIKE I DID. IT WAS REALLY FUCKED UP!" as he speakers blare "Birthday Sex"? It's just not an environment conducive to communication of that depth. And at the end of the day, you know, what's "sorry" gonna do? It ain't gon' take back a thing. I mean, Tom can never trust me again. I've been in the same situation, in Tom's place, having worn similar, but more fashionable, shoes and I'd never trust that ex-friend either. I guess the damage is done.

Then there's the one night stands and the fuck-and-never-call-backs. Some may say, 'Oh that Adam, he's been in more manholes that Con Edison' or 'Oh, that Adam, you need to watch him'. And I mean, hey those people, they're right. There was definitely a sluttier time in my life, I can't say that I was the sluttiest, there are people that certainly have me beat, but I'm no angel. Last night I saw this guy I met who's personality wasn't really all of that to me, he was actually kind of annoying, but he had a really phat ass and I just wanted to fuck him, so I did and then I was over it and I never called him back. Then there was this other guy that I thought was okay, then my friend who had messed around with him too said that he was gross, so after fucking him twice I stopped calling him too. It's just like damn, what the fuck do you say to these people? I really kinda wanted to walk up to these three people who I'd wronged and say "I'm sorry" But, can you really just do that or do we do what we always do, move on and awkwardly cut people from our lives making our social circles and chance interactions more and more cantankerous by the day?

Ultimately, all of these situations have come out of simply thinking with my dick. When we're horny and just wanna fuck we will just do any and everything to get what it is we want with no thought of the future, and whose feelings we hurt. That dude with the phat ass, like, I schemed for that shit, putting all the right pieces into place just so I could hit that. That was so fucked up. I look back at it all and realize that none of it was truly worth it and having been a person who's been hurt before it really tears at my heart to know that I could have possibly hurt someone else. Everything bad thing we do in life has it's own set of counterbalancing consequences so consequentially I can pretty much look forward to a few more awkward club nights in the future.

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Playing In The Background...
"So Good"
by Electrik Red
from the album
"How To Be A Lady, Vol. 1"
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