Recently in Adam's Reluctant Advice Column Category

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With this post I'm launching a new category, "Ask Adam..." where you can send me all of your life, love and relationship questions. I'll try my best to answer them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too. And of course whatever you send will be kept anonymous.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
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Living my life openly and freely as a gay man here in New York, yet struggling to find to true love, sometimes it's easy to forget about the struggles my gay and transsexual brothers and sisters are going through all across small-town America and around the world just to be themselves. There's so much that us big city gay folks, especially us here in New York City take for granted. Receiving a letter from a small town reader puts so many things into perspective. Here's his letter:

What's happenin' Adam.

I'm kind of new to your blog but I gotta question for you. What would you do if you realized that the people in your life that you call friends and family don't really love you? I'm 19, living in a small town, Monroe, Louisiana and I've been struggling for a long time about coming out to my family and closest friend, but last night I realized that if I was to come out to them that it would change our relationship for the worst, if not end our relationship. Because you already know that being gay in the black community is not really accepted, so you can imagine how it is in a sort of small city where everyone is very religious. But even though I pray that my family would accept me for who I am and not let it be a big deal that I'm gay, I know that they wouldn't be okay with it because I was raised not to be okay with it. I think that's why I have such a hard time accepting it myself. But yeah, back to the question, how would you handle knowing in the back of your mind that these people that you love besides all their flaws, wouldn't love you if they knew the real you?

Oh yeah, and I wanna say I think you a real cool dude and keep doin' what you doin' because even though I'm not at the point in my life where I can live life comfortably I'm glad I can see people like you do it and give me courage to do it myself.
- Small Town Boy

Small Town Boy I'd like to say that I'm honored that you would entrust me with such a serious, potentially life altering question, I really do appreciate that.

Okay, first off I need to let you know that it's not necessarily that your family and friends don't love you or wouldn't love you if they found out that you were gay. It's that the gay thing is something that they don't understand. Human beings are known to fear what we don't understand and out of that fear we defend ourselves, striking back against that thing.

As with your family and close friend and most of our society at-large, their issues with homosexuality and homosexuals are a result of cultural conditioning and religious belief. Religion is a very powerful thing. To have billions of people believe in and obey something, based on fear, whether it be the words of the Bible, the Torah, the Qu'ran, etc., wholeheartedly, with no questions asked is power of unfathomable proportions. Religion has been the force behind every war on this Earth since the beginning of time. Everybody believes that they're doing their god's will, that only their religion is right, so much so that they are willing to fight and die for it. So if someone's religious texts condemn homosexuality, as all three of the aforementioned texts do, the followers of those religions will also. For you, who is someone your family and close friend presumably love and care about to come out and say you're a homosexual, in their mind you are making them choose between supporting you and supporting their god. Their god is usually gonna win.

This reminds me of when I came out to my parents, who are ministers and are super religious. My mother actually came to me about four years ago about being gay. She asked me and I told her the truth, that yes I am gay. Wanna know what the first thing she said to me was: "You know you're going to hell, right?" See, religion, in it's truest form. Adherents using fear as a way to keep themselves and each other in line. When I heard her say that I wasn't even offended because I knew that's what she was gonna say because that's how we were raised. That's religion. It's when she told me that "If you continue in this lifestyle you'll be dead before you're thirty." that really hurt. Just now, four years later I'm finally over it and only because I know that that statement was just a product of fear and of course I don't believe or receive any of it. I will not only see thirty, but I will live prosperously and abundantly long, long, long after it. But her saying that still has left put damage on our relationship that will probably never be fully repaired.

On a side note let me say to my straight readers out there: Be careful what you say if ever your child was to come out to you and say that they're gay. Granted, it may not be what you want for them, but it's their life and you can't live it for them. Although your child coming out my be devastating news to you, you cannot respond out of anger and fear. Remember, after all the shock and anger that's still your child and if you want to retain a healthy relationship with him or her after such a sensitive time you must choose your words carefully.

After I came out to my mother that day I went to work that night and jumped on Craigslist looking for apartments because I figured that my religious parents would not have a homo living in their house. Surprisingly, my mother wanted me to stay, probably in an effort to keep closer tabs on me, but stay nevertheless. I stayed until they moved down south two years ago and I moved into my own apartment here in New York. This goes to show that sometimes our family and friends won't necessarily react as harshly as we think. Sometimes we have to give them a little more credit. So from that day on my mother knew, I knew and for the next four years we lived in a stalemate. I was respectfully living my life as a gay man, being respectfully discreet around my parents and she lived in her denial, hoping that it was just a phase I was going through, until a few months ago when I officially came out to my whole family.

The main reason why I was so apt to come out to my mother when she asked me was because I was prepared. If she were to kick me out that day I had a full time job and was mentally and financially prepared to live elsewhere if need be. Being gay or being anything outside the norm calls for being fiercely independent. Unfortunately because we live in a society and among people who don't fully support us we must be able to fully support ourselves (and one day hopefully each other, but that's a whole 'nother blog post). I was 21 when I came out and you are now 19. Where do you work? Are you going to school? Are you financially and mentally prepared to live elsewhere if your family wanted nothing to do with you? It's wonderful to be out and free like a grown-up, but business must be taken care of first. If you are dependent on your parents to take care of you then you are still a child, living in their house and are bound by their rules. If you wanna live by your own rules then you gotta get your own house. If you want your parents to respect your lifestyle, you must first respect theirs.

So for now if you cannot take care of yourself I say don't come out just yet. Get a job, save your money, make preparations to get your own place, preferably out of that town and in a place like New York or if you wanted to say in the South, I'd suggest Atlanta. In a bigger city there are more opportunities for you as a young person in terms of work and education. There are also gay districts in cities such as these which will make for better social opportunities, better for you to possibly find new friends and a mate. Large cities like Atlanta and New York are filled to the brim with small town immigrants yearning to breathe free.

Coming out to my whole family later down the line was no big deal to me because I'm independent. I live on my own and don't ask anyone for anything. Being independent, even though all of my family may not agree with everything I do with my life, they have to respect me because I'm my own man. I would not get that same respect if I had my hand out asking them for money every three seconds. And as a result coming out to them was easy and they took it even better than I thought. Being on your own makes coming out so much easier for you and them and they'll respect you more for it.

I know that it's painful to live in the closet when you really want to be out, but you must understand how important timing is with all of this. Unfortunately so many of us, gays and transsexuals come out way before we are ready, thinking with our emotions and not with our heads. Many of us come out in our teenage years, parents kick us out and we are out on the streets with incomplete education and no place to go. This road usually leads to unhealthy relationship choices, prostitution or other illegal means just to stay alive. This is tragic but it doesn't have to be this way. As horrible as living in the closet is, due to the society we live in, sometimes it's necessary for a while, especially if we are dependent on someone else for our survival. Our ultimate goal should be to become independent so we can live our lives however we see fit. So devise a plan and think before you act.

As far as your close friend or any friend is concerned. We can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends. Any friend that would have an issue with you being who you are is someone you don't need in your life. But in my experience, my straight friends, even the male ones were much better about me coming out than even my family members. If someone is really your best friend, you being straight or gay shouldn't matter. If it does then that's not your friend. But as far as your individual case is concerned I would say because you live in a\that small town where everybody knows everybody it's probably best to tell no one including your friend until you get your plan together.

Now is the time for you to work on you, get your mind right, get your money right, get your education right so you can be the person you want to be and stand on your own two feet. I know being young and not living in the most ideal situation is hard, but you can't rush things. Coming out is big business, basically you are declaring that you are living a different life than the one you we're taught to live. Maybe your parents can deal with that and maybe they can't, but you need to be prepared either way. In a perfect world, gay wouldn't be such a big deal, but unfortunately it is. You wanna be grown, you wanna be free, you wanna live by your own rules? You gotta pay the cost to be the boss. Start devising your plan.

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Playing In The Background...
"Work That"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
and
"I'm Coming Out"
by Diana Ross
from the album "Diana"
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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========

Today's letter is from a heterosexual female reader who has fallen in love with her bisexual (but mostly gay) best friend. She's a virgin and is having a hard time telling him that even if they were to have sex he'd have to be tested first. In the words of Samantha Jones of "Sex And The City", "Oh honey..." where do I start with this one. Here's her letter:

Hello Adam,
I am pretty sure that I have fallen in love with my best friend. However, he is bisexual. I don't have a problem with him being bisexual, except he is sexually active with mostly men. Recently he asked me to be his girlfriend, but I'm on the fence because my family and our other friends (mainly heterosexual females who would NOT get with a guy who's bisexual) say I should NOT date him because he's my best friend, but MAINLY because he is "GAY" (he says he likes guys more but I'm an "exception" to the rule). So I wanted another point of view.

Do you think its not a good idea for me (a heterosexual female) to get with a bisexual man who is also my best friend?

Secondly, because I am a virgin, if I were to come close to having sex with him (because sexually active people are more likely to have an STD) how do I tell him that I want him to get tested?

I've tried hinting things by saying things like: "I'm taking ALL my boyfriends to the clinic if we were to come close to having sex..." and stuff like that, but I think that saying it directly would hurt his feelings.

Thank you for your time,
- Stressed Out Friend

Stressed Out Friend, how old are you? You sound like a young woman who is a situation she need not be in. You're way too young for the stress. So I'm gonna keep my answer real short and straight to the point.

First of all, yes you do have a problem with him being bisexual. Your words were and I quote "I don't have a problem with him being bisexual, except he is sexually active with mostly men." And there's nothing wrong with you having a problem with him being bisexual. I have a problem with my boyfriends being homosexual with anyone else before they met me, you wanna know why, because I'm human and I'm jealous and whatever I have I want it for myself as do you and that's okay. I personally wouldn't even think about dealing with a guy who deals with women. Bad enough you have to worry about other women around your man (and we all worry to an extent, if we don't worry we don't care), you gotta watch for men too. What the fuck?

You're young and are still learning about life yourself, you're still a virgin. I think the whole bisexuality thing may be too much for you to deal with right now. And as far as you being an "exception"... Shit, how do I say this without getting in a load of trouble... Fuck it. I'm not a big believer in bisexuality, never have been, with me you're basically one or the other, straight or gay. For me to believe that someone is bisexual, two things would have to be evident. One, their sexuality would have to be at a perfect equilibrium and two, everyone, every woman and every man they've ever involved themselves with would have to know about them, everything, every time, both of which are damn near impossible. You're always gonna like one sex over the other and every one you deal with isn't gonna understand or be supportive of your bisexuality enough for you to tell them. Besides, you can't spend your life with two people, eventually you gotta pick one. For someone who has said that they like guys more than girls to tell you that you are the "exception" is bullshit and something you should give no further thought to.

Unfortunately I can't write this guy off as just another triflin' ass , can't-make-a-decision-ass, quote-unquote "bisexual" that you should just stay away from because this "bisexual" just happens to be your best friend, which is even more of a reason not to deal with him. Continue to be his friend, but don't confuse love and support of him for romantic love. Dealing with him romantically is a disaster waiting to happen and you know it, hence your numerous reservations. That's why you wrote me this letter.

Now I must scold you for a moment. I know you did not sit up here and say that you are having difficulty asking him to take an HIV/STD test. Heifer, have you lost your damn mind!?! This is your life here and there is no room for being nice when it comes down to preserving it. No need for hints and pleasantries here. His feelings won't matter when you're sitting up somewhere with a disease. Y'all are supposed to be best friends. Y'all should be comfortable enough with each other by now that this shouldn't be a big deal. He's probably getting tested regularly anyway, at least I hope so. If he really loved and cared about you, he'd understand. Ask him, more than likely he will. This goes for everybody gay and straight. Never be afraid to ask someone to get tested before you have sex. You need to come straight out to him and say 'If you wanna hit this, you gotta get tested!' Period.

You're special and you're a virgin, you need to save your virginity for someone who you know deep down in your heart is the one, and you know that homeboy is not the one. You know, I admire my sister so much for being a virgin until she got married. It doesn't happen much anymore, but it's still possible. I'm not saying that you have to wait that long but you shouldn't feel uncomfortable if you did.

There are way too many reasons why you should not involve yourself with this boy and most importantly you don't sound too convinced about it yourself. I say listen to your instincts and your homegirls, who happen to be his friends too and more than likely have both of your best interests at heart and don't do it. Don't ruin a friendship for a relationship that you know isn't gonna work. Both of y'all are too young for the drama and you are much more than an "exception" or an experiment. Tell homeboy to find another pussy to play in.

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Love And My Best Friend"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Janet Jackson"
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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========

Hey y'all,

Sometimes we're so busy being gay and fabulous that sometimes we fail to think of how it affects our families, or does that even matter? Today's letter is from someone who has become the unofficial referee between their gay cousin and the rest of their family. Let's read.

Dear Adam,

I just found out that my cousin is gay. I don't want him to be ostracized from the family here in Atlanta. I don't care that he's gay (cause he is still a person) but hanging out with him is weird (I don't mean that in a condescending way). I don't want to stop hanging out with him, cause he is still a cool person. But I'm getting a little friction from my parents. I don't want him to think that because he's gay that I don't want to hang out with him. I'd hate for him to think that I am that petty. So I was wondering what should I do in this situation? Sorry if this email seems a little scattered. I'd really love to know what you think.

- StrAighTL

StrAighTL, this is gonna be a hard question to answer, not due to the nature of it, but due to the fact that you have left out so many details, so I'm gonna have to make some assumptions here. Because you said that hanging out with your gay male cousin is "weird" I'm gonna assume that you are male, as a female wouldn't traditionally be as freaked out by such a thing, I'm gonna also assume that you both are relatively young because of your inclusion of your parents disapproval as a factor. With that said let's dig into this.

I wanted to start by thanking you for pointing out that gay people are still people. We, the millions of gays all around the world appreciate that sentiment from the very bottom of our lavender bejeweled hearts. (LOL You asked for that.) All sarcasm aside, the best thing you can do for your cousin is to of course continue love and support him. Especially since I'm assuming you guys are still relatively young and he's probably just now really coming out. For example, one of my male cousins down south (who's as straight as straight can get) just recently found out that I was gay, actually via my blog and he hit me up to let me know that he supports me no matter what. That meant a lot even to someone like me who's an old pro at this whole gay thing so I know your support means that much more to your cousin.

As far as the weirdness thing is concerned, yes as a straight male hanging out with a gay male and vice versa there is a possibility that things can get weird sometimes, but that's all within you guys' control. Fortunately for you both your association with each other isn't something that you were both just thrown into yesterday, you're family and your bond is much deeper than sexuality. As far as conversation goes you'd treat conversation with him like anyone else who was attracted to the opposite sex you are (you liking girls and him liking boys). Would you talk to your sister or straight female cousin about the guy she fucked last night or the girl you wanna fuck tonight? No, because it'd be weird. That sexual stuff is the type of thing you'd talk to your guy friends about and that he'd talk to his gay friends about. There's much more to life than sex and if that particular subject is something you guys don't really touch on, then so what? You guys don't have that in common but you have so many other things in common, like liking Grandma's sweet potato pies and banana puddings and the drunk-ass aunt and her thieving-ass son y'all both can't stand, you know, stuff like that. The dynamic of you guys' relationship is alll up to you two. All you must always do is to always be honest with each other. Remember you are always gonna be his cousin, so you don't necessarily need to be his best friend. Trust me, in Atlanta there's more than enough gay people for him to be best buddies with.

As far as your parents are concerned, like most parents their primary vested concern is for you, their kid, even over that of their nephew. And like a good amount of older straight people they seem pretty ignorant of the whole gay thing and just don't want it to "happen" to their kid by any means necessary. If that means keeping you away from your cousin in hopes that the gay germ doesn't get into you, as absolutely ridiculous as it sounds and is, the end justifies the means for them. Your job now would be to remind that you are who you are, and that that has nothing to do with what your cousin does in his bedroom and that they should unconditionally love and support your cousin just as you have. And if you feel like it, take the extra step of reassuring them (especially your father) that being around your cousin isn't gonna diminish your love for the coochie. He's their nephew, they'll come around, at least part of the way, eventually.

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Family"
by Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Hudson, Beyoncé Knowles, Keith Robinson, and Anika Noni Rose
from the "Dreamgirls (Motion Picture Soundtrack)"
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PS: I love it that straight men read my blog. I never really expected it and I'm still not sure why but it's cool nevertheless. If you are a straight man who reads this blog I'd appreciate it if you send me and email telling me how you discovered my blog, why you continue to read it and what you get from it.

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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========

Hey y'all,

Today's letter addresses an age old problem which I'm sure we've all been on both sides of, neither side is a piece of cake so let's get right to it.

Dear Adam,

Well, I have a problem. I started talking to this dude a while ago. It's been about two months now. We were just friends first and then he wanted to start "talking". Well we did that and we went on one date if you want to call it a date. We just went to the movies. Well we used to talk all the time and now he just wants to text and he says he doesn't like to talk on the phone now. I feel like I am holding on to something that I should not be. I like him a lot but I am starting to think we need to just be friends or not talk at all. I need help. How should I handle this? Should I just let it go?

- Confused, But Not Really

Awww damn. I know exactly what this is. Your overall question is "Should you just let it go?" In a word, yes. In two words, hell yes. I'm gonna tell you why. It seems as though this dude you're talking to has gotten in a little over his head with you. People often fail to realize that the jump from the placid waters of 'lake friendship' into the fast moving 'relationship rapids' is a big one. The reason why we, especially as gay men can have friendships that last forever, but on the other hand change boyfriends like we change underwear is that our romantic relationships are usually very volatile as we put a lot of ourselves into them, usually very quickly. Ever notice how it took you a year to realize that you love your best friend and a month to tell your ex that you loved him? If our friend does something to offend us it's much easier to be mad for a while, cuss them out, tell them about themselves, laugh it off and move on than it is with a boyfriend because for some reason we can accept that our friends are human and therefore imperfect and can make mistakes from time to time, but we place lofty, unrealistic standards on our potential romantic partners that they MUST live by and if for some reason they falter our feelings are hurt and we're over them (underwear change). For some reason we expect every new boyfriend to bear the burdens and correct all of our damage from our past relationships. Ever notice how we'll have an unattractive friend and love the hell out of them, but we'd rather be alone before we date an unattractive guy? (That's so me.) Ever notice how we are all looking for the "perfect guy" but you never really hear anyone say that they're looking for the "perfect friend". We trim, prune and cultivate our friendships yet we expect our relationships to come ready to wear, pressed and perfectly tailored.

I digressed a little, but I've said all that to say this. From your letter it seems as though that movie date was the turning point. One of these or a combination of these two things has most likely happened and having to say this is where it gets hard for me as the person you came to for advice, but here we go. Either something you did on that date turned him off, something that was acceptable from a friend but unacceptable from a partner ('cuz remember the standards changed) or there's someone else who's come around (or has been around all along that has just now become available) that he's more interested in and seems to fit his standards better.

It seems as though he still wants to keep you as a friend though and is just too pussy to tell you that he's fucked up by trying to take things to the next level without being sure of what he really wanted to do in the first place, hoping that as a result of his gradual pushing you away (this he only just wants to just text now all of a sudden bullshit) that you become disinterested and stop pursuing the relationship and hopefully find someone else. A few weeks of not really talking while he's doing his thing with the new person (or even alone) and you getting over it or finding a new person that you get so wrapped up in that you forget all about how he strung you along and played with your emotions, would make things so that you then can both eventually laugh the whole thing off and be ki ki sisters again... I don't think so, life don't work like that buddy. Your friend (and I'm using the term loosely) is a non-confrontational pussy that's trying to have his cake and eat it too, or rather has taken a bite out of some cake, that didn't really taste like he thought it would and is trying to get a new piece of cake without spending any money, cheap bastard!

I would say for you not to let him get away with this, but I'm not gonna send you out on the attack after him like some desperate bitch, we won't have that. Unfortunately, or maybe not so unfortunately you may have to count this one as a loss. He fucked your friendship up and he's gonna have to fix it. Either way, you're gonna have to move on with your life. Stop calling him, if he calls or texts you, answer, but don't keep initiating obviously bothersome contact. Let him go. Deep down inside you know it's the best thing to do, that's the real reason why you wrote me this letter. There's no point in badgering him and making yourself look stupid and desperate. You already see what it is and where he's at so you gotta do what's best for you now. Go somewhere and heal, it shouldn't take too long, 'cuz y'all haven't been talking that long and just when he thinks it's safe to come around again, 'cuz more than likely he will. Confront him and ask him why he played you the way he did. He's gonna gag at the fact that you haven't forgotten. Don't count on this vindication though, there is a possibility that he may never speak to you again after you stop initiating contact. Either way you haven't lost anything, but yet another scatterbrained homosexual and don't we have enough of those floating around anyway?

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

PS: And for the love of Marc Jacobs please tell me that you didn't have sex with him... If so add another week to the recovery process.

PPS: The prospect of a relationship is NEVER usually worth losing a friend, no matter how sexy your friend is. I've learned this the hard way too many times. Just because you're cool with someone and are attracted to them that does mean that you have to be together. FRIENDSHIP IS OKAY!

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Be Mine!"
by Robyn
from the album "Robyn"
==========

==========
One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
==========

A lot of times we can find lovers and boyfriends and girlfriends who are so right in every area, but sometimes there's that one little freaky-deaky little thing that we want that our partners can't, seemingly can't, or won't do for us. The question is is it enough to leave our otherwise wonderful partner for? Should we just secretly fulfill our need somewhere else in an effort to keep the peace? Or maybe we should deny ourselves, grin and bear it and figure out how to do without it? That's the question one of my lovely readers is asking today. Here's his letter:

Dear Adam,
Thumbs up to your blog. Gotta a question for ya, the scenario is this: I am involved with a wonderful guy who satisfies me to the tenth power, he's a bottom with great walls, but sometimes I get this urge to have nutt (semen) shot on my face, which he is not into. This urge can last for days and I just supress it, until it goes away. I have a nutt fetish, it's been like that since my teens and I already know he is not as "freaky" as I am because I gave him a past scenario of that happening to me and his response was "ewwwww". So I knew right away that he ain't down with that. I respect and care about him, but in that one "particular" department it ain't happenin'. I know "dudes" who would do that for me with no strings attached, hell some even have lovers. If I did that does that necessarily mean I don't care about him or don't want to be with him?
-Nutt All Over My Face

The first problem I see with you guys' situation is expressed in this part of your letter

"I already know he is not as "freaky" as I am because I gave him a past scenario of that happening to me and his response was "ewwwww". So I knew right away that he ain't down with that..."

What do you mean, "you already know"? What do you mean "you knew"? Those statements were inferences, you never came straight out and told him how you felt or asked him to participate in this particular sexual act with you. You've gotta give him a chance before you just write him off and go looking to be satisfied elsewhere. I totally understand why his "ewwww" response may have discouraged you, but you must understand that for him and traditionally for a lot of bottoms (I know I'm generalizing here), ejaculating on their partner's face is not necessarily the norm. It's usually seen through porn movies and the stories of our friends as more of a quote-unquote "top behavior" (I know I'm generalizing again). And as human beings we tend to shun that which we don't understand, hence "ewwww". You telling him that story the way you did shows your facial fetish only as a random event of your past instead of something that is deeply woven in your sexual tapestry or repertoire, if you will. Once he sees that this is something that is important to you he may be much more inclined to warm up to it. I'm sure he'd rather be the one jizzing your face than some random stranger.

On the other hand, I must say this though since you mentioned that your partner is a bottom. I'm assuming that your partner is a strict bottom given the context of your letter. As a strict top who deals with mostly strict bottoms I have to say that your facial fetish can be putting yourself on thin ice with your partner. Strict bottoms like strict tops. All the strict bottoms I know do not like dealing with guys that they feel may have versatile tendencies. The idea of the guy that they are letting fuck them, getting fucked or doing anything sexually that's even slightly considered quote-unquote "bottomish" to them is usually grounds for immediate termination. I'm not trying to question your sexual role or anything but most strict tops I know, myself included do not like the idea of some dude nutting in their face (the idea personally grosses me the fuck out). While openness and honesty is excellent and I don't think you should keep this from him, you need to also be cognizant of the fact that this revelation could be the end of things and be okay with that before you tell him. I also noticed the quotation you put the word "dudes" in your letter? Does the emphasis on this word imply that you don't think your man is quote-unquote "man enough" for you? You also asked the question of not necessarily wanting to be with him, asking me whether your having your urge satisfied with other "dudes" means that you don't want to be with him. Does it? You tell me. Are you creating an excuse to leave him? Think about it.

On the third hand (lol) sneaking behind his back is just wrong and as sure as you do it your ass will eventually get caught. Your facial fetish is something that's been with you for years and you continuing to do it on the low sure ain't gon' help it go nowhere, it'll actually only make your craving for it stronger, making your lies and duplicity even stronger and you can't cheat forever, so it's just not a good idea. And at the end of the day you're dealing with cum and the possibility of disease and shit so let's not forget that.

My advice to you would be to evaluate how much you really need for some cum to be on your face. If it's something you can't live without then you need to go to your partner and tell him. Maybe if you break it down for him earnestly he'll be cool with it, you say he loves you, right? Him squirtin' some man juice on your mug every once in a while won't take too much of his "Beyonce, Naomi Campbell walk" time will it? I personally don't think it's too much to ask. If he's not cool with it and is indeed as disgusted with the idea as you think he is, he just may dump you, but that's the risk you'll have to take. Or you can continue to deny it, and hope that it possibly goes away. Or you can buy yourself a water gun, fill it with warm Buckley's cough syrup, or coconut milk and aim away from the eyes, just a suggestion.

Good luck.

-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Playing in The Background...
"Rolling Down My Face"
by Amerie
from the album "Touch"
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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous you don't even have to give your name.
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I received an email from someone yesterday asking me for advice about visiting a bathhouse for the first time. Unfortunately I can't offer any of my brand of wisdom-packed, witty, first hand experience on the subject because I've never been to a bathhouse or even to it's younger, more urban equivalent, the sex party. Yes, there are a few things that even I haven't done, but that doesn't mean that I won't do my best to help this curious reader. Let's read his letter:

Dear Adam,
I have always wanted to but have never gone to a bathhouse. With your sexual experience and knowledge I was wondering if you could give me advice and tips, tell me what to expect and avoid and whether it's a good idea. Do you also have any bathhouse tales of your own to share on the blog?
- Bathhouse Virgin.

Well, like I said I've never been to a quote-unquote "bathhouse", that's mainly because I'm under 35. I've never heard anybody who wasn't pushing or has already knocked down and trampled over 40 use that term, the kids go to sex parties now (no offense to anyone over 40). And even though I don't have first hand experience with sex parties either, I've have been invited to my fair share though, that doesn't mean that I don't have slutty-ass, I mean, more sexually open, friends who have shared their tales with me. And if any of you, my other lovely readers have further advice to offer BHV please leave a comment. You can comment anonymously here, your email address will not be published.

This is my understanding, according to what I've been told, of how a sex party works. Sex parties are usually held in people's homes. The throwers of the parties are usually somewhat selective about the people they let in, selective in terms of body type, looking more favorably upon those who are quote-unquote "in shape". Usually the organizers scour websites such as BGC, A4A, & M4N to send invite messages only to those they see as visually appealing. There is usually a nominal fee charged for admission once you are deemed acceptable to be let in, like five, ten, maybe fifteen, twenty bucks tops. That little component of the evening is what makes the sex party illegal. It's not against the law to gather strangers in one's home solely for the purpose of sex, but it is illegal to charge them for it, no matter how nominal the fee. The illegality of the situation falls on the organizers of the sex party rather than the attendees though. So even though you as a sex party attendee are technically not breaking the law you're not totally out of the woods yet. We'll get back to that a little later.

Once you've paid the next thing you must do is get naked. At sex parties no one is allowed to be fully clothed. The most clothes allowed are usually shoes and underwear. You check your clothes and other belongings at the door. They are usually placed in plastic bags for you to pick up later. I wouldn't recommend that you bring anything of high importance with you. You should leave your wallet and credit cards at home. The most that should be with you at a sex party is a necessary bit of cash, and an identification card. Lube and condoms are always provided, their use is strongly encouraged and the better sex parties even provide drinks and snacks.

Now that you're all horny and naked it's time to let yourself loose on the crowd. Sex parties are usually pretty dim so don't expect to find Mr. Gorgeous there. If you've been to a club you should know pretty well how feelings can change for someone once the lights come up. At a sex party, the lights never come up. Hey, it all feels the same in the dark anyway so I guess you should just enjoy it for what it is. I wouldn't expect to find Mr. Right there either as personality is not paramount there.

My major questions to my sex party attending friends involved sexual etiquette. I'll break these down:

How is sexual contact initiated?
Just like with anything else the eyes have it. You scan the room, lock eyes with someone and usually it goes from there.

Are people there overly aggressive? Should one fear being manhandled or raped?
Everyone I've asked has told me no and that it's pretty much a laid back environment. I guess it would be, it's a damn sex party. If one dude says no you're pretty much bound to find one to say yes, right? I talked with a guy, a white guy I used to work with, who ran a sex party out of his house and he told me that during the course of his parties usually a group of the patrons break out singing Broadway show toons.

How do you know who tops and who bottoms?
I've been told that it's usually pretty apparent, at least without actually speaking, by the type of underwear the guy is wearing. Bottoms usually wear more form fitting underwear like boxer briefs, tighty whities, and those lycra, stretchy, H&M, 2Xist things while tops usually wear boxers. I've also been told that a top will usually pat the ass of the guy he's interested in while a bottom will usually tug at the dick of the guy he's interested in. Of course there are exceptions to these rules, but in any event, don't go to a sex party and not expect to be touched.

Just because you're there do you have to do something?
The overwhelming response to that question has been no. Even though you will probably be asked to engage in some sort of sexual activity, as far as I've been told there's no real pressure to do so. Many people frequent sex parties just to feed their voyeuristic desires. So if you wanted to just go to watch others have sex and jerk yourself off that's perfectly okay.

Now back to the illegality thing. What's the worst that can happen? Can you get arrested? This reminds me of a funny story. One night a while back I was in my bed, feigning sleep, and I overheard two of my more heftier friends plotting to get into a sex party. Because sex parties can be so discriminatory when it comes to weight and shape their plan was to hold their stomachs in when they arrived to the door. It took everything in me not to bust out laughing at such a ridiculous idea. I mean, is it really that serious? Another friend told me that when guys are turned away at the door, deemed unacceptable for entrance into the sex party, some of them don't take this very lightly. Sometimes they will, out of revenge, call the police. That usually leads to the sex party being raided. It doesn't happen very often, hardly ever really, like one in a million, but it still remains a very real possibility.

One of my friends did tell me a story about a raid and it went something like this. It started like I said, from someone who wasn't allowed entry into the party getting mad and calling the police. The police arrived and entered the party loudly, guns ablaze, like the police do. They questioned the organizers of the party while making everyone else get up against the wall and "spread 'em". From what I remember of the story the party goers were a little embarrassed but none arrested. I guess the question at hand is whether he thrill of anonymous sex is worth the risk of getting caught with a dick in your mouth?

As far as my opinion is concerned, I have to admit that I am curious about the goings on of sex parties and that I would like to be a fly on the wall, but I don't see myself ever going to one. Even the slight risk of a police raid is enough to deter me. And with all these diseases out here, and with me doing this whole blog thing and people recognizing me, the anonymous fun of it all would be lost for me, even if I were to just spectate. So at this point, there's just no point. It's something I probably should have done a few years ago. But even with all that BV I don't disencourage you to go, why not? Have a good time, you only live once. Just be safe.

-Adam

PS: Now if we gon' have a sex party I'd have a perfectly legal, free, on the low, invite only, party of attractive friends of friends so we'd know what we all look like. But I'm just sayin' though, it's not like I'ma do it or nothin'. **flips through cell phone contacts**

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Playing In The Background...
"Sexhibition"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Damita Jo"
and
"Freakshow"
by Britney Spears
from the album "Blackout"
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I was working on another blog post when someone emailed me this question in reference to the blog post from yesterday ("May The Force Be With YOU, Not Me...") I stopped what I was doing and answered it. I'll post the one I was previously working on up tomorrow.
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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous you don't even have to give your name.
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"Dear Adam,
I'm working somewhere where I'm not happy all the time, but it pays the bills.  I don't really know what I want to do with my life.  I wake up at 5AM M-F to leave my house at 6 to be at work at 7.. I leave at 3 (sometimes.. more so I leave after), I get home at 4 and the mothaf*ckin force is waiting for me when I get home.  I got a pile of clean laundry waiting to be put up.. I've been packing away some items which are still sitting in boxes in my room.. My room as a whole is in disarray.. What do I do?  How do I get motivated to do what I know I need to do..?"
-The Force Is With Me

Dear TFIWM,
The key to getting motivated is to find out what motivates you. We are all motivated by something, money, success, validation, independence etc. and the things that motivate us can all be good for us in their proper dosages. These things can often be just the incentive we need to get off of our asses and do what we need to do for ourselves. There are also certain things that as much as we want to do them they seem impossible simply because we may just need a little help. Sometimes we're not motivated to do things because we're overwhelmed and we simply can't do them alone.

The same way you feel about organizing is the same way I feel about cleaning. I hate it. I'm not a total slob and I manage to keep things somewhat tidy in my apartment but I loathe washing dishes. I avoid it like the plague. My dishes would never get washed if it were up to me. But what I hate more than washing dishes is having friends or a date come over and my sink being full of dirty dishes. So therein I have found my motivation to wash dishes. I don't like looking like a slob in front of other people and it's been proven time and time again that I'm more likely to get some from a date when my crib is clean. Oh look, another motivation.

If taken to the extreme my desire to not to look bad in the presence of others and my desire to get some could get me in a lot of trouble but in this case it's just the kick in the balls I need to keep moss from growing out of my sink. So maybe you should consider having a small gathering at your place. Set a date and invite a few friends over. The date of the party will be the deadline for your cleaning project and because you have publicized it you will be forced to keep it. It can be a celebration of your accomplishment. Or instead of a party maybe you could have a date come over to chill or watch a movie. It's much easier to be charming and romantic when you're not tripping over boxes. Either way you have to give yourself an incentive to get organized. As much as you may want to do something if you don't see the point in it you're not gonna view it as important and because it's not important you will just end up not doing it.

As much as you hate putting way your clean laundry I hate doing my dirty laundry. My gym shorts in my bag right now are dirty and instead of finding the time to wash them I'm gonna go and buy some new ones before I go to the gym tonight. I'm also this way when it comes to my socks. I'll throw socks away and buy new ones before I ever get to a washing machine. At home I let my dirty laundry pile up into a small mountain. And it's not that I'm such a dirty person, and it's not that I don't like clean clothes. It's just that with my day job, and writing, and all of my other activities. I really don't have time to watch my clothes tumble round and round for hours through a big metal machine. So instead of feeling apathetic about it I have enlisted the help of the lady at the local laundromat who washes all of my clothes for me at $0.80 a pound. I realized that I can't do everything and laundry is just one of those things.

Maybe this cleaning and organizing job is too much for you to do alone. Maybe you can call over a friend to help you. And if worse comes to worse do what I did and hire somebody. And if you don't want to part with your money then there's all the motivation you need to get your lazy ass up on your days off, stop making excuses and do it your damn self.

So now that those small things are out of the way you can focus on the big picture, what it is you love to do. You've gotta love doing something. I just hope it's not sex. The last thing this world needs is another black gay porn star. Find your passion and start doing it. Use your current job, even though you're not in love with it (As you will probably never be in love with a job and you shouldn't be. Jobs are not designed with your happiness in mind). Stop dwelling on how bad your job is, think about the positive things about it and use your current job to financially support your passion. And may the force NOT be with you.

-Adam
adamsweblog.com

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Playing In The Background...
"Provider"
by N*E*R*D
from the album "In Search Of..."
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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous you don't even have to give your name.
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Dear Adam,
I just needed to ask you a question. After reading your blog I decided to get an A4A page and then I met the sweetest dude there. He's really cool and we have so much in common, but he's not the finest person I've met and I'm trying so hard not to be shallow... What should I do? LOL (This is horrible I know)
-Adam4Ugly

The first thing you need to realize Adam4Ugly is that what you're feeling isn't horrible at all, it's real. We're all attracted to whatever we're attracted to and nobody should ever feel bad for not being  attracted to someone for whatever reason. What you should feel bad for though stringing this guy along. I don't know how long you two have been dating but if you have serious doubts about this guy so much so that you would email a perfect stranger and ask them for advice on the situation, my advice would be to cease and desist immediately. It's much better to eighty-six this thing now before things get serious, and his feelings get hurt. Yes his feelings, not yours because given the way you feel it could never be that serious for you.

The main reason why I wanted to answer this specific question on the blog is because I've been down this road before, on both sides (I wasn't always cute). So often we ignore what we feel and figure well, he's "the sweetest dude", it will pass. No it won't pass, it never fuckin' passes. You feel what you feel for a reason. In our attempts to be "nice" and to "not be shallow" and do the so-called "right thing" we suppress how we really feel inside by lying to ourselves. You already know how you really feel. You're obviously not satisfied with him and you won't be unless there's some reconstructive surgery involved so cut the bullshit and just do what the fuck you wanna do. If you don't do it now you're only gonna do it later.

But let's say you decide fuck it, he's ugly but he's "the sweetest dude" so I'm just gonna stay with him, it's "the right thing to do." Okay, so weeks and months go by, good looking guys come along, lickin' their lips, spittin' game, tryna holla hard, you're tempted but you ignore it. You're being faithful to Mr. Ugly because he's "the sweetest dude" and after all it's "the right thing to do." One day y'all get into an argument. Mr. Ugly does something that just gets on your dayum nerves, you're pissed. All the time y'all are arguing you're thinking about all the sexy dudes you let pass by you in an effort to be faithful to him. Then you'll start thinking something like 'I know this ugly motherfucker is not tryna play me. Does he not see that I'm doing his ugly ass a favor by even being with him? I don't need him! Who the fuck does he think he is?'

I'll tell you who the fuck he thinks he is. He thinks he's your man, the man you wanted to be with because you really liked him for him, not just because he's "the sweetest dude." You from the get go in your mind have been putting yourself on a higher level than him because you feel as though a part of him is so wrong that you have to in a sense ignore and desensitize yourself to it (his looks) and  amplify another parts of him (his niceness) in order to stay with him. Everybody you date isn't gonna necessarily be gorgeous and you may not necessarily be gorgeous to everybody you date but if anything is this much of an issue for either of you then it's just not wise to continue things. When you date someone you should be looking for balance, decent looks and decent personality, any extreme in one area over the others is bound for disaster.

The truth is that right now you are basically are pity dating him and whether he really is ugly as hell or you're just blind as a bat and he's actually fine, staying with him while not fully accepting him for all he is is doing him a grave disservice. You're just going to end up hurting him in the long run and given that he's simply just better off without you. Besides I don't think this how you would wanna treat "the sweetest dude" anyway. Break it off nicely by blaming yourself (the good 'ol "it's not you it's me" spiel) and not mentioning your opinion of his looks (because his ugliness is only your opinion) and if you're lucky you both can salvage things and try to at least remain friends.

-Adam
adamsweblog.com

PS: From a statement in your letter it could be inferred that my blog may have inspired you to sign up for Adam4Adam. I just wanted to make it clear that any bumps, bites, rashes, bruises, welts, warts, abscesses, or crazy stalking that may occur from your use of an internet dating service are not the responsibility of A. Benjamin Irby, abenjaminirby.com, or adamsweblog.com, ohdwd.com or any associated company or entity therein. Have fun and be safe. :-)

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If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous you don't even have to give your name.
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Playing In The Background...
"Do What Ya Like"
by Lil' Kim
from the album "Notorious KIM"
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