Adam's Reluctant Advice Column: September 2008 Archives

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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Hey y'all,

Sometimes we're so busy being gay and fabulous that sometimes we fail to think of how it affects our families, or does that even matter? Today's letter is from someone who has become the unofficial referee between their gay cousin and the rest of their family. Let's read.

Dear Adam,

I just found out that my cousin is gay. I don't want him to be ostracized from the family here in Atlanta. I don't care that he's gay (cause he is still a person) but hanging out with him is weird (I don't mean that in a condescending way). I don't want to stop hanging out with him, cause he is still a cool person. But I'm getting a little friction from my parents. I don't want him to think that because he's gay that I don't want to hang out with him. I'd hate for him to think that I am that petty. So I was wondering what should I do in this situation? Sorry if this email seems a little scattered. I'd really love to know what you think.

- StrAighTL

StrAighTL, this is gonna be a hard question to answer, not due to the nature of it, but due to the fact that you have left out so many details, so I'm gonna have to make some assumptions here. Because you said that hanging out with your gay male cousin is "weird" I'm gonna assume that you are male, as a female wouldn't traditionally be as freaked out by such a thing, I'm gonna also assume that you both are relatively young because of your inclusion of your parents disapproval as a factor. With that said let's dig into this.

I wanted to start by thanking you for pointing out that gay people are still people. We, the millions of gays all around the world appreciate that sentiment from the very bottom of our lavender bejeweled hearts. (LOL You asked for that.) All sarcasm aside, the best thing you can do for your cousin is to of course continue love and support him. Especially since I'm assuming you guys are still relatively young and he's probably just now really coming out. For example, one of my male cousins down south (who's as straight as straight can get) just recently found out that I was gay, actually via my blog and he hit me up to let me know that he supports me no matter what. That meant a lot even to someone like me who's an old pro at this whole gay thing so I know your support means that much more to your cousin.

As far as the weirdness thing is concerned, yes as a straight male hanging out with a gay male and vice versa there is a possibility that things can get weird sometimes, but that's all within you guys' control. Fortunately for you both your association with each other isn't something that you were both just thrown into yesterday, you're family and your bond is much deeper than sexuality. As far as conversation goes you'd treat conversation with him like anyone else who was attracted to the opposite sex you are (you liking girls and him liking boys). Would you talk to your sister or straight female cousin about the guy she fucked last night or the girl you wanna fuck tonight? No, because it'd be weird. That sexual stuff is the type of thing you'd talk to your guy friends about and that he'd talk to his gay friends about. There's much more to life than sex and if that particular subject is something you guys don't really touch on, then so what? You guys don't have that in common but you have so many other things in common, like liking Grandma's sweet potato pies and banana puddings and the drunk-ass aunt and her thieving-ass son y'all both can't stand, you know, stuff like that. The dynamic of you guys' relationship is alll up to you two. All you must always do is to always be honest with each other. Remember you are always gonna be his cousin, so you don't necessarily need to be his best friend. Trust me, in Atlanta there's more than enough gay people for him to be best buddies with.

As far as your parents are concerned, like most parents their primary vested concern is for you, their kid, even over that of their nephew. And like a good amount of older straight people they seem pretty ignorant of the whole gay thing and just don't want it to "happen" to their kid by any means necessary. If that means keeping you away from your cousin in hopes that the gay germ doesn't get into you, as absolutely ridiculous as it sounds and is, the end justifies the means for them. Your job now would be to remind that you are who you are, and that that has nothing to do with what your cousin does in his bedroom and that they should unconditionally love and support your cousin just as you have. And if you feel like it, take the extra step of reassuring them (especially your father) that being around your cousin isn't gonna diminish your love for the coochie. He's their nephew, they'll come around, at least part of the way, eventually.

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Playing In The Background...
"Family"
by Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Hudson, Beyoncé Knowles, Keith Robinson, and Anika Noni Rose
from the "Dreamgirls (Motion Picture Soundtrack)"
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PS: I love it that straight men read my blog. I never really expected it and I'm still not sure why but it's cool nevertheless. If you are a straight man who reads this blog I'd appreciate it if you send me and email telling me how you discovered my blog, why you continue to read it and what you get from it.

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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========

Hey y'all,

Today's letter addresses an age old problem which I'm sure we've all been on both sides of, neither side is a piece of cake so let's get right to it.

Dear Adam,

Well, I have a problem. I started talking to this dude a while ago. It's been about two months now. We were just friends first and then he wanted to start "talking". Well we did that and we went on one date if you want to call it a date. We just went to the movies. Well we used to talk all the time and now he just wants to text and he says he doesn't like to talk on the phone now. I feel like I am holding on to something that I should not be. I like him a lot but I am starting to think we need to just be friends or not talk at all. I need help. How should I handle this? Should I just let it go?

- Confused, But Not Really

Awww damn. I know exactly what this is. Your overall question is "Should you just let it go?" In a word, yes. In two words, hell yes. I'm gonna tell you why. It seems as though this dude you're talking to has gotten in a little over his head with you. People often fail to realize that the jump from the placid waters of 'lake friendship' into the fast moving 'relationship rapids' is a big one. The reason why we, especially as gay men can have friendships that last forever, but on the other hand change boyfriends like we change underwear is that our romantic relationships are usually very volatile as we put a lot of ourselves into them, usually very quickly. Ever notice how it took you a year to realize that you love your best friend and a month to tell your ex that you loved him? If our friend does something to offend us it's much easier to be mad for a while, cuss them out, tell them about themselves, laugh it off and move on than it is with a boyfriend because for some reason we can accept that our friends are human and therefore imperfect and can make mistakes from time to time, but we place lofty, unrealistic standards on our potential romantic partners that they MUST live by and if for some reason they falter our feelings are hurt and we're over them (underwear change). For some reason we expect every new boyfriend to bear the burdens and correct all of our damage from our past relationships. Ever notice how we'll have an unattractive friend and love the hell out of them, but we'd rather be alone before we date an unattractive guy? (That's so me.) Ever notice how we are all looking for the "perfect guy" but you never really hear anyone say that they're looking for the "perfect friend". We trim, prune and cultivate our friendships yet we expect our relationships to come ready to wear, pressed and perfectly tailored.

I digressed a little, but I've said all that to say this. From your letter it seems as though that movie date was the turning point. One of these or a combination of these two things has most likely happened and having to say this is where it gets hard for me as the person you came to for advice, but here we go. Either something you did on that date turned him off, something that was acceptable from a friend but unacceptable from a partner ('cuz remember the standards changed) or there's someone else who's come around (or has been around all along that has just now become available) that he's more interested in and seems to fit his standards better.

It seems as though he still wants to keep you as a friend though and is just too pussy to tell you that he's fucked up by trying to take things to the next level without being sure of what he really wanted to do in the first place, hoping that as a result of his gradual pushing you away (this he only just wants to just text now all of a sudden bullshit) that you become disinterested and stop pursuing the relationship and hopefully find someone else. A few weeks of not really talking while he's doing his thing with the new person (or even alone) and you getting over it or finding a new person that you get so wrapped up in that you forget all about how he strung you along and played with your emotions, would make things so that you then can both eventually laugh the whole thing off and be ki ki sisters again... I don't think so, life don't work like that buddy. Your friend (and I'm using the term loosely) is a non-confrontational pussy that's trying to have his cake and eat it too, or rather has taken a bite out of some cake, that didn't really taste like he thought it would and is trying to get a new piece of cake without spending any money, cheap bastard!

I would say for you not to let him get away with this, but I'm not gonna send you out on the attack after him like some desperate bitch, we won't have that. Unfortunately, or maybe not so unfortunately you may have to count this one as a loss. He fucked your friendship up and he's gonna have to fix it. Either way, you're gonna have to move on with your life. Stop calling him, if he calls or texts you, answer, but don't keep initiating obviously bothersome contact. Let him go. Deep down inside you know it's the best thing to do, that's the real reason why you wrote me this letter. There's no point in badgering him and making yourself look stupid and desperate. You already see what it is and where he's at so you gotta do what's best for you now. Go somewhere and heal, it shouldn't take too long, 'cuz y'all haven't been talking that long and just when he thinks it's safe to come around again, 'cuz more than likely he will. Confront him and ask him why he played you the way he did. He's gonna gag at the fact that you haven't forgotten. Don't count on this vindication though, there is a possibility that he may never speak to you again after you stop initiating contact. Either way you haven't lost anything, but yet another scatterbrained homosexual and don't we have enough of those floating around anyway?

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

PS: And for the love of Marc Jacobs please tell me that you didn't have sex with him... If so add another week to the recovery process.

PPS: The prospect of a relationship is NEVER usually worth losing a friend, no matter how sexy your friend is. I've learned this the hard way too many times. Just because you're cool with someone and are attracted to them that does mean that you have to be together. FRIENDSHIP IS OKAY!

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Playing In The Background...
"Be Mine!"
by Robyn
from the album "Robyn"
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