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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
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I love it when you guys send me your questions to answer. Today's question comes from a female reader, yes women read this blog, a whole lot of them, hey ladies. Our lady reader today has a question about a subject I've tackled in a blog post before, the "church boy". Before you go on reading it's probably best that you check out the blog post.

For some reason there seems to be a correlation between some (not all) men in the church, in ministry, in choirs, in the gospel music industry, and homosexuality. A lot of these men leading double lives, dating and sometimes even marrying women who are totally or sometimes somewhat ignorant to their partner's other side. Here's her question:

Hi Adam!

I just want to tell you that I have become a regular to your blog within the past week and I LOVE it sooo much. You are a very intelligent person and I admire the fact that you don't hide any part of your life to anyone. (besides, the personal stories are the best :) ) I am indeed repping the female readers (whoop whoop) and I thought there would be no better person to answer the questions that I have but you, so here we go.

I have a friend who I've known for a while and as we started to talk on the phone and hang out more, we started developing feelings for each other. We decided to start "talking" and I thought things were going great until he decided that we should be honest with each other and get all the secrets out. Well...you guessed it...he's gay. Or at least "used to be" or "trying to change" and he's also the kind of church boy that you speak about, he sings in a choir.

So I have a couple questions:

1. What the hell do I do? I do like him and I can't change that but is it worth the risk of him getting back with a guy or something? He's says he's serious about changing but I don't know how much I believe him.

2. Is there a such thing as a reformed homosexual?

3. Is there a sign in the fact that he still hangs with his gay friends? He says that he only does so because they are truly his best friends but he just doesn't partake in certain activities with them.

Please help me Adam!
-What The Hell Do I Do

The first thing to know WTHDID is that it's not about what the hell you do, it's not up to you. It's all about what he's gonna do. I'm not a religious person and I don't presently go to church, but I do believe in God and Jesus and all that and I was raised in the church, I have a pretty decent knowledge of the Bible (I'm no theologian) and both my parents are ministers, so this is definitely a situation I have encountered before. There's a lot that I can say from my own experience but I've already been labeled by some readers of this blog as jaded and one-sided toward this subject. I'm gonna kinda take a backseat on this one as offering help to you is more important to me than me having another chance to assert my personal feelings on the whole subject. But I will say this, although I believe that God can do anything for one who believes, has faith and galvanizes that faith with their actions, I'm also a believer in gay is gay and straight is straight. And the fact that your friend is still hanging out with his gay friends doesn't sit well with me. So I have decided to let someone who is the ultimate authority on every subject answer your question WTHDID, God.

Although I'm not a believer in what my mother would call "eating the whole roll", that every word of the bible is the straight-up infallible word of God, this is the basis of what most Christians and other kinds of church folks believe so we're gonna do something a little different today and not focus on so much of what I say, but since he's a Christian, a believer in God and the Bible, let's see what the Bible says on the subject.

The bible says that:

"Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."
Leviticus 18:22 KJV

"And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet."
"Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them."
Romans 1:27 & 32 KJV

"Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God."
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 KJV

Just in case you didn't know. The Bible doesn't look kindly upon homosexuality. It sees it as a sin, actually more than a sin, an abomination, worthy of death. Hence these verses from the Old and the New Testaments. Now that we know that, we can really get into this.

"For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also."
James 2:26 KJV

Okay, well, he's saying a lot but what is he doing? He believes and has faith that he's reformed or is reforming, delivered as they say, but what is he doing to work toward that? It must not be much because you're obviously not fully convinced, hence your letter to me today. Actually if you want to take it a step further, he's not truly convinced either according to you because you said that he told you that he's only "trying to change".

"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?"
"Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you"
2 Corinthians 6:14 & 17 KJV

WTHDID, you said that "he only does so [still hanging out with his gay friends] because they are truly his best friends but he just doesn't partake in certain activities with them" According to the bible, that's not even okay. For him to be a person who has renounced or is currently renouncing homosexuality as something wrong, unclean and unacceptable to God and touts that he is a changed man. Homosexuality is not even something he should even be comfortable being around anymore, not to mention having homosexuals as best friends. According to 2 Corinthians 6:14 & 17, his close association with them alone is a sin. And what the hell does he mean by "certain activities"? Hmmm, interesting.

Jesus said:
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
Matthew 5:29-30 KJV

Jesus took it to the next level in this sermon basically saying that if there is something or someone in your life that could potentially cause you to sin and send you to hell that you need to do whatever it takes to rid that thing from your life. As we've read here Jesus compares the situation to someone plucking their eye out. So if he's really serious, eye plucking serious about changing he should not be around those people and you should not have any doubts about him changing.

Adam says:
Basically WTHDID you've answered your own question. You obviously don't feel secure with this relationship and my advice is that you cut it off while you two still are friends because if he becomes your man and y'all end up having sex (I'm assuming you haven't, please say you haven't) and you catch him in bed with some dude, all this nicey-nice shit is gonna go flying out the window and you're gonna be ready to kill his ass and rightly so.

As a friend I think that you should show him this blog post and these verses of scripture that he's supposed to believe in. Make yourself a non-judgmental person that he can be open, honest and real with about what he really wants to do, not what society, or his parents, or his church, or even what you expect him to do. This whole issue is all about him and his identity and again you should remove yourself from it and let him make the real decision for himself. You also need to let him know that if he really wants to be with you that he's gotta let the friends and the whole gay world go. He's gotta show you that he's serious, as I've said too many times before, it's all about the effort. Because as much as we as gays and straights interact and sometimes even tolerate each other, sharing this planet we call Earth, we'd all be naive and ignorant not to acknowledge that this is a gay and a straight, skewed yet parallel universe we live in and that there's certain lines that gay and straight people of the same sex just don't cross with each other, especially if one of those persons used to be the other thing. I know that it may sound unreasonable but you've got to protect your heart and your life as well. HIV/AIDS infection from DL or secretly bisexual men is one of the biggest killers of young women today. That's not to say that gay men are more likely to carry HIV/AIDS than straight men, but any man who is having secret sex and sex that he's ashamed of is more likely not to protect himself and you.

As far as the question of reformed homosexuals is concerned. Unlike most gays I know I believe that God can change someone from being a homo if they really want it and are really taking the steps to change. My question though is why would someone want to change? Being a homo is great. It's not the easiest thing in the world, but I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China. But its also not for everyone, that's why some are born homo and some are born straight. It takes a real man to be a sissy. According to your letter it sounds to me like your friend hasn't been delivered at all and you need to return his ass to sender!

Keep me posted.

-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Playing In The Background...
"Son Of A Preacher Man"
by Dusty Springfield
from the album "The Very Best Of Dusty Springfield"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 06:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

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Hey everybody. I'm back. Thanks for holding me and the blog down while I was gone.

-Adam
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Remember that guy I told you about (in this post), the one I met last week? It's over. Yes, over before it even had a chance to begin. Let me tell you why.

When we meet people, like people, look to date people, there's certain things we want them to know. Stuff, you know, like their ABC's, how to talk, social graces, mingling, speaking to people, how to dress, how to fuck, or in my case, be fucked, how to suck dick, you know, all the things we like, everybody's different. The person could be damn near perfect, knowing everything and doing everything right. But I've seen time and time again that the one thing that can burst your bubble, that can pull the rug right up under you, that can pop the helium balloon of bliss you two are floating on is who you know. What's crazy is that in the largest city of the most powerful country in the world, with one of the largest black gay communities in the world that everybody knows everybody and the chances of you or your date having coincidental relationship or sexual overlap is damn near unavoidable.

So, yeah, I liked him but he knew somebody. He admitted it to me last night. He's friends with an ex of mine who is now a friend of mine and even though I'm not giving you much detail, trust me, going further with our relationship would definitely put a strain on the relationship between me and my friend. So I had a decision to make. A year ago I probably would have said, fuck it, he's cute, I like him, my friend will get over it. But today, I realize that possibly wrecking the great friendship with my ex that we worked so hard to attain after our breakup really wasn't worth it, even if the guy is cute. Who knows how me and the new date will feel about each other in two weeks? By then I could be over him or he could be over me, and then what? You know how the homos are. So I broke it off.

Last night, instead of bunking with a cute guy I snuggled up under the covers with my maturity. Bah humbug.

So that brings me to this week's poll question: Would you date a friend's ex? Vote in the poll below and tell us your opinion in the comments section.

Every week I will update the blog with a new poll question.
Click here to check out all the previous Adam's Web Log Polls.

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Playing In The Background...
"No More Drama (P. Diddy Remix)
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "No More Drama"
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PS: And you best believe I told my friend about this. Adam ain't nobody's fool.

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 01:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (8) | TrackBacks (0)

I just want to say for the record that I'm not really into threesomes, especially in the context of a relationship. I mean, I've had them, I've experimented, but for the most part they are just not my thing. At one point I, a top was in a relationship with a versatile-top. Although we got along pretty well, sexually it just wasn't working. In an effort to save our relationship we decided to try to incorporate threesomes as a regular part of our sexual practices. I mean it's just sex, right? In the words of Julia Roberts in the movie "Pretty Woman" that was a "big mistake, huge..." Having that extra person there, even though it was supposedly all in the name of sex, created all kinds of tension between us, mistrust, competition, resentment, and even a lack of sexual fulfillment, believe it or not, it was a mess. Not to even mention the third person's feelings, there were situations in which the third person liked one more than the other. Not to mention the possibility of situations where the third person could try to get in contact for a meeting with one partner without the other partner knowing about it. Like I said, just a mess.

Eventually that relationship ended, after a post-relationship rough patch, we're friends now and I realize that that's what we should have been all along. We give each other everything that we were giving before, just sans sex. When we realized that sex was gonna be an issue for us we shouldn't have moved forward. Granted, not moving forward when everything else feels so right is not the easiest thing in the world to do, but I've learned that sometimes sex is a bigger deal than we think it is and we must regard it as such.

I've heard that a lot of older couples use threesomes to bring back the spice into their relationships after years and years of monogamy. I can't really say much on that because I'm not what anyone would consider "older" yet and I have yet to experience years and years of monogamy with anyone. But as a young person I've realized even from my limited experience, that the whole threesome thing should not be introduced as an integral part of a budding relationship. I look at things this way, If you've been together less than a few years, that other person should be more than enough for you. There are too many freaky-deaky two person things to explore to have to be calling in reinforcements so soon. I mean, of course there may be some exceptions to this rule. But if you really think that one person or just that one person isn't enough for you then maybe you just aren't ready for a monogamous relationship with them yet  or ever and that''s perfectly okay. Just be honest, tell your partner, there's no need to string anyone along.

Also, really big, majorly important, never let your partner talk you into doing anything you are not comfortable with, especially threesomes. Never feel like you have to feel like you have to participate in threesomes to quote-unquote "save the relationship". All forcing yourself into something you don't want to do will do is make you harbor resentment toward your partner. If you're gonna participate in a menage a trois it should be something you both enjoy, not your partner's half-assed way of keeping you around but still getting to legally fuck someone else. Everybody should be equally participating, you shouldn't be just standing there, sitting there, laying there, watching your partner go at it with someone else as if you weren't there. All that says is that you probably shouldn't be there. Either way, if you both aren't equally into the threesome thing and are just doing it to "save your relationship" you're just prolonging the inevitable. In that case, walk away while you still can stand each other.

So that's my opinion, but what do you think about the whole idea of threesomes? Vote in the poll below and tell us your opinion in the comments section.

Every week I will update the blog with a new poll question.
Click here to check out all the previous Adam's Web Log Polls.

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Playing In The Background...
"Threesome"
by Ruff Endz
from the album "Someone To Love You"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 10:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

At this stage of the game as the primary candidates are still being decided across the country, in the black, gay, and especially in the black and gay communities it's basically a toss up between Democratic Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, as all three communities generally vote Democrat. And things are starting to get ugly. Besides the snubbery and bickering between the candidates themselves through the media, their supporters, everyday folks like you and me are even battling it out. I had a bitch go off on me the other day on The Janet Jackson Message Board because he supported one and I supported the other. At the end of the day, let's not forget, oh lovely Democrats that Clinton and Obama are ultimately on the same team and may even end up on the same ticket together before this is all over. And besides all of the Democrat drama, there are even a few black gay republicans out there (to each his own chile, to each his own...) let's not forget them, even though in many ways they've already forgotten themselves, but that's my opinion and today's blog post is supposed to be impartial. Either way, this week's poll should be interesting.

I would tell you who I'm voting for, but then I would have to explain why and on top of that, I mean, I watch the news, I read, but I'm still not the most political guy in the world anyway, I just like who I like. So then some bitch gon' wanna come and start some long, boring-ass political argument with me, then I'd ignore the bitch and then she'd try to post some slick shit and then I'd reply back and then it'd become this reading match and I'd have to shut the bitch down and it'd just be this whole big thing and I'd just rather not, okay? It's not even 10 am yet. Just rest assured that Adam is voting for somebody in the primary in February and in the real deal in November.

As things stand today, who's gonna get your vote in this year's US Presidential Election? Primary results, country of residence, and age notwithstanding, pick one of the nine major Democrat or Republican candidates running.

In the comments section let us know why you picked who you picked and/or your thoughts on the election. Along with you thoughts on the election, after you vote give me your thoughts on the video below. I've never posted an outside YouTube video on my blog before, but I thought that this one was quite interesting. What are your thoughts?

Hopefully, all of my lovely American readers of voting age this poll is not the only election you vote in. If you are an American citizen, over the age of 18 you can register to vote for real here.

Every week I will update the blog with a new poll question.
Click here to check out all the previous Adam's Web Log Polls.

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Playing In The Background...
"I Nominate You"
by Fantasia
from the album "Fantasia"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 09:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (10) | TrackBacks (0)

A few months ago at the taping of my first appearance on Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show I met a lesbian rap duo by the name of Kin (Hey girls!). While they were being interviewed one of them bragged that she was a "gold star" lesbian, that she had never been touched by the penis, the other concurred, lauding her compadre's sentiment. This was the first time I have ever heard this term before.

On January 1st I wrote a blog post about how I spent this past New Year's Eve. I wrote about how I went to a party with a female stripper and how that was the first time I had ever seen a vagina before. Obviously I am also a "gold star" homo as well. Then I ran across a blog yeterday, Finally Seeing G, where he posed the question of whether his readers were "gold star" gays and lesbians. So I guess this "gold star" phenomenon is weeping the nation.

With homos sashaying, bopping, voguing, and duck-walking out of the closet earlier and earlier nowadays, many of us are skipping the whole awkward I-slept-with-women/men-just-to-prove-I was-still-a-man/woman phase. So my question to you my lovely readers is, how many of you are "gold star" homos and lezzies?

Give us your answer in the poll below:

*Penetration by or with genitalia, I don't count oral sex in this poll.

Every week I will update the blog with a new poll question.
Click here to check out all the previous Adam's Web Log Polls.

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Playing In The Background...
"Like A Virgin"
by Madonna
from the album "Like A Virgin"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 09:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)