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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as
I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I
know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority.
Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes
people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away
but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me
into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage
on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however
it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh):
Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.
Enjoy.
If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous you don't even have to give your name.
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I received an email from someone yesterday asking me for advice about visiting a bathhouse for the first time. Unfortunately I can't offer any of my brand of wisdom-packed, witty, first hand experience on the subject because I've never been to a bathhouse or even to it's younger, more urban equivalent, the sex party. Yes, there are a few things that even I haven't done, but that doesn't mean that I won't do my best to help this curious reader. Let's read his letter:
Dear Adam,
I have always wanted to but have never gone to a bathhouse. With your sexual experience and knowledge I was wondering if you could give me advice and tips, tell me what to expect and avoid and whether it's a good idea. Do you also have any bathhouse tales of your own to share on the blog?
- Bathhouse Virgin.
Well, like I said I've never been to a quote-unquote "bathhouse", that's mainly because I'm under 35. I've never heard anybody who wasn't pushing or has already knocked down and trampled over 40 use that term, the kids go to sex parties now (no offense to anyone over 40). And even though I don't have first hand experience with sex parties either, I've have been invited to my fair share though, that doesn't mean that I don't have slutty-ass, I mean, more sexually open, friends who have shared their tales with me. And if any of you, my other lovely readers have further advice to offer BHV please leave a comment. You can comment anonymously here, your email address will not be published.
This is my understanding, according to what I've been told, of how a sex party works. Sex parties are usually held in people's homes. The throwers of the parties are usually somewhat selective about the people they let in, selective in terms of body type, looking more favorably upon those who are quote-unquote "in shape". Usually the organizers scour websites such as BGC, A4A, & M4N to send invite messages only to those they see as visually appealing. There is usually a nominal fee charged for admission once you are deemed acceptable to be let in, like five, ten, maybe fifteen, twenty bucks tops. That little component of the evening is what makes the sex party illegal. It's not against the law to gather strangers in one's home solely for the purpose of sex, but it is illegal to charge them for it, no matter how nominal the fee. The illegality of the situation falls on the organizers of the sex party rather than the attendees though. So even though you as a sex party attendee are technically not breaking the law you're not totally out of the woods yet. We'll get back to that a little later.
Once you've paid the next thing you must do is get naked. At sex parties no one is allowed to be fully clothed. The most clothes allowed are usually shoes and underwear. You check your clothes and other belongings at the door. They are usually placed in plastic bags for you to pick up later. I wouldn't recommend that you bring anything of high importance with you. You should leave your wallet and credit cards at home. The most that should be with you at a sex party is a necessary bit of cash, and an identification card. Lube and condoms are always provided, their use is strongly encouraged and the better sex parties even provide drinks and snacks.
Now that you're all horny and naked it's time to let yourself loose on the crowd. Sex parties are usually pretty dim so don't expect to find Mr. Gorgeous there. If you've been to a club you should know pretty well how feelings can change for someone once the lights come up. At a sex party, the lights never come up. Hey, it all feels the same in the dark anyway so I guess you should just enjoy it for what it is. I wouldn't expect to find Mr. Right there either as personality is not paramount there.
My major questions to my sex party attending friends involved sexual etiquette. I'll break these down:
How is sexual contact initiated?
Just like with anything else the eyes have it. You scan the room, lock eyes with someone and usually it goes from there.
Are people there overly aggressive? Should one fear being manhandled or raped?
Everyone I've asked has told me no and that it's pretty much a laid back environment. I guess it would be, it's a damn sex party. If one dude says no you're pretty much bound to find one to say yes, right? I talked with a guy, a white guy I used to work with, who ran a sex party out of his house and he told me that during the course of his parties usually a group of the patrons break out singing Broadway show toons.
How do you know who tops and who bottoms?
I've been told that it's usually pretty apparent, at least without actually speaking, by the type of underwear the guy is wearing. Bottoms usually wear more form fitting underwear like boxer briefs, tighty whities, and those lycra, stretchy, H&M, 2Xist things while tops usually wear boxers. I've also been told that a top will usually pat the ass of the guy he's interested in while a bottom will usually tug at the dick of the guy he's interested in. Of course there are exceptions to these rules, but in any event, don't go to a sex party and not expect to be touched.
Just because you're there do you have to do something?
The overwhelming response to that question has been no. Even though you will probably be asked to engage in some sort of sexual activity, as far as I've been told there's no real pressure to do so. Many people frequent sex parties just to feed their voyeuristic desires. So if you wanted to just go to watch others have sex and jerk yourself off that's perfectly okay.
Now back to the illegality thing. What's the worst that can happen? Can you get arrested? This reminds me of a funny story. One night a while back I was in my bed, feigning sleep, and I overheard two of my more heftier friends plotting to get into a sex party. Because sex parties can be so discriminatory when it comes to weight and shape their plan was to hold their stomachs in when they arrived to the door. It took everything in me not to bust out laughing at such a ridiculous idea. I mean, is it really that serious? Another friend told me that when guys are turned away at the door, deemed unacceptable for entrance into the sex party, some of them don't take this very lightly. Sometimes they will, out of revenge, call the police. That usually leads to the sex party being raided. It doesn't happen very often, hardly ever really, like one in a million, but it still remains a very real possibility.
One of my friends did tell me a story about a raid and it went something like this. It started like I said, from someone who wasn't allowed entry into the party getting mad and calling the police. The police arrived and entered the party loudly, guns ablaze, like the police do. They questioned the organizers of the party while making everyone else get up against the wall and "spread 'em". From what I remember of the story the party goers were a little embarrassed but none arrested. I guess the question at hand is whether he thrill of anonymous sex is worth the risk of getting caught with a dick in your mouth?
As far as my opinion is concerned, I have to admit that I am curious about the goings on of sex parties and that I would like to be a fly on the wall, but I don't see myself ever going to one. Even the slight risk of a police raid is enough to deter me. And with all these diseases out here, and with me doing this whole blog thing and people recognizing me, the anonymous fun of it all would be lost for me, even if I were to just spectate. So at this point, there's just no point. It's something I probably should have done a few years ago. But even with all that BV I don't disencourage you to go, why not? Have a good time, you only live once. Just be safe.
-Adam
PS: Now if we gon' have a sex party I'd have a perfectly legal, free, on the low, invite only, party of attractive friends of friends so we'd know what we all look like. But I'm just sayin' though, it's not like I'ma do it or nothin'. **flips through cell phone contacts**
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Playing In The Background...
"Sexhibition"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Damita Jo"
and
"Freakshow"
by Britney Spears
from the album "Blackout"
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