In my last blog post entitled "Re: When We Assume... We're Just Like Everyone Else..." I answered a letter from someone, who calls himself Waterfall, who was dating and had had sex with someone without that person telling them beforehand that they were HIV positive. I took an issue with that, not so much with the fact that the person didn't tell him but moreso with the fact that when he did finally reveal it to him he chose to do it via text message. (I know, how classy?) If you haven't already, before you go on I suggest that you read that blog post just to get yourself up to speed.

Probably moreso here there than with anything else I've written I put a lot of care into writing that blog post. I wanted to make sure that I didn't come off as self-righteous, arrogant, or condescending. although the HIV negative person, Waterfall had written to me I wanted to take both sides into account. As usual I gave an example from my own life as I'd been in his shoes before, having someone who I was dating tell me that they were positive, post-sex, except my person did it the "right" way (I'll explain the "right" way later). I even went so far as to ask friends of mine who are HIV positive to proofread my response and they were cool with it. Judging from you, the readers, your subsequent responses I pretty much thought I was doing aight. That is until I received the response below which I decided to take the time to reply back to in it's own blog post. Here it is:

Morning, y'all.

I'm sorry, but I have to step in here, and speak up for the guy on the other side. I myself am positive so I definitely think I can impart some insight into what may have been going through the older guy's mind that apparently Adam and the others here have little sympathy for.

I will say that I agree mostly with the opinions stated here, regarding what you should do.

I do want to say, however, that I don't believe that Adam's summative advice is the right way to handle this. I don't think you should just "drop him."

I would tell you to put yourself in his shoes, which I feel a lot of people don't do. As someone with HIV, I COMPLETELY understand his lack of desire to tell you. It is the worst thing to have to tell someone, ESPECIALLY because you have no idea how they may respond. It takes quite a bit of gauging before you decide to let someone know that. While I think Adam is trying to empathize with you, I really don't think he would go around telling people as freely as I believe he expects this man to.

Without going on a huge rant, my advice to you (if you feel like you had a connection with him) is to TALK TO HIM!! I will agree with Adam and the other posters regarding the text. I think that's the most tasteless way to reveal a secret like that, but I completely understand why he may not have told you in person.

I myself TRY not to have sex with my intended suitors without revealing that to them, but the stigma associated with the disease (despite the numbers) is still very much rampant.

I honestly believe that this man really likes you, and I'm sure that's why he even bothered telling you in the first place, and to follow Adam's advice and just drop him because he didn't include it in his self-introduction is trite...and predictable, and only goes to illustrate why HIV+ folks DON'T reveal who they are... because of responses like that.

To conclude, I think a conversation is necessary. You should also definitely go get tested, consider this: if the man didn't care about you, he wouldn't have told you at all.

-S. Austin

Hey S,

Ummm wow, judging from your response here you obviously didn't read my intial response it all. It seems as though you anxiously skimmed through it looking for an opportunity to respond to the contrary. The part of your reply that alarms me most is when you said:

"I honestly believe that this man really likes you, and I'm sure that's why he even bothered telling you in the first place, and to follow Adam's advice and just drop him because he didn't include it in his self-introduction is trite...and predictable, and only goes to illustrate why HIV+ folks DON'T reveal who they are... because of responses like that."

Nowhere did I ever say that anyone who is HIV positive should include ithat information in their introduction to people, as though they should carry it on business cards and shit. And I certainly didn't say that Waterfall should drop the guy just because he has HIV. What I said in the original post was quite the opposite. I said:

"...And you can't realistically expect someone to tell any and everybody that they have HIV upon first glance. 'Hey I'm Adam, how are you?' 'Great. I'm Tommy and I have HIV.' It just don't work like that. So your reasoning for not dating him shouldn't be based on the fact that he has HIV."

What's trite and predictable is the fact that you came ready to oppose what I'd written when you abviously hadn't read it. You also say:

"I myself am positive so I definitely think I can impart some insight into what may have been going through the older guy's mind that apparently Adam and the others here have little sympathy for."

and

"While I think Adam is trying to empathize with you, I really don't think he would go around telling people as freely as I believe he expects this man to."

In the original post I told a story about someone who I was going to hook up with who ended up revealing to me that he was HIV positive. Regarding that experience I said:

"I mean, think about how hard that must have been for him. In the heat of the moment, we're getting it in (or at least I was about to), for him to stop things, to say that he was positive, to tell a total stranger the most intimate detail of his life. What if I had wiled out and tried to kill him or something? What if I was the errant homo who had decided to tell all his business to everybody? He did me a favor in letting me know his status, but it was really my responsibility to take precautions for my health's sake. I mean, yeah he coulda never told me, but I never asked either. If I had caught HIV from him that day it'd essentially be my fault because I failed to protect myself.

I also had an experience just like what happened to Waterfall with someone who told me that he was HIV positive after we'd had sex. Regarding that experience I said:

"I was right in your shoes a few years ago. Slept with someone on the first day I met them for them to tell me later that they were positive. The difference between my person and your person is that my person took the time to sit me down and tell me in person and didn't have sex with me again until he told me. Because he was so forthright the way he went about telling me, I wasn't mad at all. I wasn't mad because he told me after we hooked up and started seeing each other, not after we started seeing each other for a few weeks and had sex and he sure as hell ain't send me no damn text message...."

That doesn't sound very unsympathetic to the HIV positive person to me, either one of them.

Then you said:

"Without going on a huge rant, my advice to you (if you feel like you had a connection with him) is to TALK TO HIM!! "

and

"To conclude, I think a conversation is necessary... consider this: if the man didn't care about you, he wouldn't have told you at all."

Bullshit. If the nigga could fuck Waterfall in person, he could talk to him in person. Waterfall was not in a one night stand, wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am with this guy, they were dating, talking, whatever for a few weeks, seeing each other. This guy says he cared about Waterfall and then he's gonna send him a text message? I mean c'mon now. Being that I was in the same situation as Waterfall makes me even more angry about it. My person gave me enough credit as a decent human being to come to my face and tell me, that's a major part of the reason why I was okay with it. If he had sent me a text message it would've been a different story. The guy obviously didn't want a conversation because if he did he did want a conversation he would have started one and not sent a text message!

As far as the whole if he didn't care he wouldn't have told him thing, that's the smelliest bullshit of all. I think that the only reason why he told Waterfall anything was because his conscience was eating at him and he decided to take the easy and the selfish way out. Think about it, in this technological day and age what's the easiest, quickest way of telling someone something difficult without having to deal with the drama and repercussions behind it? You send it in a text message. If he's mad, if he cries, if he asks you a whole bunch of questions you don't feel like answering, you don't have to deal with it as you can simply stop texting. But in the back of your mind when your conscience starts fucking with you you can always say, 'well at least I told him'. I mean, c'mon you can't see that shit? You don't send news like that via text if you really care about the person you're sending it to, you just don't, that's so disrespectful. It's like breaking up with someone via text, I'm guilty of it. The times I did it I did it not particularly caring about how the other person felt or really wanting to hear what they had to say about it I just wanted things to be over. Notice there are a lot of "I" statements here, further illustrating the selfishness of this act. So once again I must reiterate that the whole if he didn't care he wouldn't have told him thing is bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. If he really cared he wouldn't have told him that way. In my opinion that person certainly isn't someone that Waterfall should be with and really the other guy shouldn't be with anyone at all right now as he has a lot of things he needs to straighten regarding himself and his status.

Now S, I can go on all day talking about how wrong and misinformed your reply was but that's not what's important. The one thing you said that was important was the fact that we do need to have a conversation about this, we all do. So many of us are engaging in sex, knowingly and unknowingly infecting and being infected with all kinds of things, not just HIV, every day and no one is talking about it and what good is that gonna do?

To be honest, in writing this whole thing I had reservations about even telling my stories. For a moment I feared what telling my experiences with sexual partners who were HIV positive might make people think of me. But then I thought about the fact that CDC numbers are saying that almost half of us (black gay men) already have the virus, a good portion of us not even knowing it. That brought me to the realization that my silence wouldn't help anyone and if so many of us have the virus then I can't be the first one to have experienced what I've experienced. Although, I'm HIV negative today, who's to say that I haven't been with or will be with someone else who's positive? If I were I would want that person to feel like they could be open and honest and be able to tell me. Hopefully answering letters like this, sharing my stories and having these conversations can help us all be a little open, open to tell, open to listen, open to accept and open to take proper precautions.

As far as the "right" way to sit down and tell someone that you have HIV is concerned, there really is no right or wrong way. As a person who has had a partner tell me that they were HIV positive I feel that the only wrong way is not to be honest about it, although being honest about it via text message doesn't go over too well either. HIV ain't easy and neither is love, but if you say you love and/or care about somebody sometimes you are gonna have to tell them things that may hurt their feelings or make them mad or just things that they just simply don't wanna hear, but that's love. You'd have to have confidence that their love/care for you goes beyond what you're going to reveal to them. In a perfect world we could say that an HIV positive person just shouldn't have sex with anyone until they've divulged their status to every partner they ever get with and that HIV negative people should always ask every partner they are with what their HIV status is right away to avoid any problems later. Is that ideal, yes, realistic, no, the world is far from perfect. If you have HIV and you get with somebody on a long term basis most likely you are going to eventually have to tell them, better sooner than much later and there's just no getting around that. That is what it is. On the other hand for those of us who are negative there's only but so mad we can get about the answer to a question that we never bothered to ask.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"I Want To Know What Love is"
by Mariah Carey
from the album "Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 02:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
Welcome to yet another "Ask Adam..." blog post. Where readers of the blog send me their life, love, sex, relationship and other pressing questions. I'll do my best to answer and advise them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
==========

Dear Adam,

I met a guy about three weeks ago. He is really cool older guy, we communicate well, we share the same hobbies, my future goals are ones that he's already accomplished, I had a good connection with him. So we had sex.

A couple of days ago, five days after we had sex, he sent me a text message saying that he had "something to tell me". I was worried, I figured that he was going to tell me that he had a boyfriend because the boy is fucking fine.

So I was in the mall just looking at my phone like 'come on boy just tell me you already got a man' but he hit me with "I'm HIV positive" I wanted to breakdown and cry in that mall, but I'm not one for causing a scene. We had protected anal and unprotected oral sex.

I asked him why didn't he tell me this in person or when we first met. He said that he didn't know if I would be a one night stand, but he sees that what we have will last so he decided to tell me. Adam I am really confused. Should I try to be in a relationship with this guy? He didn't lie to me, I just assumed he was negative. I am dumb and foolish and should have known better, but right now I am LOST.

Signed,
Waterfall

Dear Waterfall,

The part of your letter that sticks out most to me is the second to last sentence where you said "He didn't lie to me, I just assumed he was negative." With that I'm going to get the public service announcement part of my reply out of the way first. See, there my dear Waterfall is where you went wrong. When out here having sex and what not we must always assume that everyone is positive and protect ourselves accordingly. People, o people, my people, my people, my people every time you lay down with someone there is the possibility of that person being positive. What we're the last statistics, that like 46% of gay black men are positive (correct me if I'm wrong), that's almost half. That's almost like saying any time two gay black men are in a room, there's a pretty good chance that one of us is positive. And that's yet another reason why you should treat everyone you sleep with as though they were positive.

In response to the last sentence of your letter you are not dumb, nor foolish, you just never opened yourself to the possibility that this fine man could be positive. Nothing to go beating yourself up over. Basically, we pretty much have all made that judgment error, myself included (I even wrote a blog post about it). The moral of the story is to always always, always, always protect yourself.

As far as what you did sexually with him is concerned, I'm no doctor, I'm no medical expert, you should definitely consult with one and be tested but, more than likely you're okay. HIV out of all the other STD's and STI's isn't the easiest thing to catch. You used a condom for the anal which lowers your chances drastically, I can't say it's foolproof, but you're probably good. The oral, you're probably good on that as well, especially if no one was swallowing anything. From my knowledge, and remember I'm no expert, catching HIV from giving/receiving some head (I'm not sure who did what but I pretty much have already figured it out) is pretty unlikely as saliva is not the best carrier of the virus. If no one had any cuts anywhere and no one came in anyone's mouth you're probably okay. But of course you should go and get tested.

Now to the deeper issue at hand, should you try to build a relationship with this guy? Some would say no, absolutely not, some would say sure, at least you got into the game knowing he's positive and you'll definitely take all the proper precautions. But your question seems to be how could he not tell you that he had HIV and if he could omit that truth what else could he hide or lie about?

I say before you can make a decision about his character you need to put yourself in his place and then ask yourself a few questions. I know quite a few people who are HIV positive, from what I see, they all are reasonably healthy and live regular lives, working, going out, socializing and dating, some of them don't even have to take medicine. One thing I often wondered about as an HIV negative person about people who are positive is when, how, or do they ever tell the person(s) that they are dating that they are positive. I mean, that's very sensitive information and you just can't go blabbing that shit to any ol' errant homo that comes along.

Let's take my example from the blog post I linked you to a few paragraphs ago (if you didn't read it, click here). To summarize, I met a guy, he was cute, we go back to his place, I go to fuck him with no condom, he stops me and says, wait, no, I'm positive. I mean, think about how hard that must have been for him. In the heat of the moment, we're getting it in (or at least I was about to), for him to stop things, to say that he was positive, to tell a total stranger the most intimate detail of his life. What if I had wiled out and tried to kill him or something? What if I was the errant homo who had decided to tell all his business to everybody?

He did me a favor in letting me know his status, but it was really my responsibility to take precautions for my health's sake. I mean, yeah he coulda never told me, but I never asked either. I was just so anxious to get it in right then that I didn't think to protect my health in the long run. I never asked him whether he had HIV because I didn't think he had it. He was so young and fine and he looked so good that I never opened myself to the possibility of this fine man being positive. Sound familiar? If I had caught HIV from him that day it'd essentially be my fault because I failed to protect myself. I couldn't blame him because he never lied to me. How could I blame someone for never answering a question that I never bothered to ask? And you can't realistically expect someone to tell any and everybody that they have HIV upon first glance. 'Hey I'm Adam, how are you?' 'Great. I'm Tommy and I have HIV.' It just don't work like that. So your reasoning for not dating him shouldn't be based on the fact that he has HIV.

That was the basic answer to your question. Now I could be very politically correct about it and end things here, capping it off by saying 'just listen to your heart' or some bullshit like that. But something tells me that you sent me this letter because you wanted really know what I thought, what I would do if I were in your situation. The real shit.

I'd dump his ass, I'ma tell you why. It's not because he has HIV, no, no, not that. It's because he waited so long to tell you he had HIV. According to your letter, y'all were kicking it a few weeks before y'all even had sex. Now on some one night stand shit, hey, that is what it is, that's every man for himself tryna get his nutt, wham, bam, slam, never see you again, no questions asked. I get that. But y'all we're talking and dating and what not, even if it was for a few weeks, he had the opportunity to say something, something before y'all did it. Knowing the people I know who are positive, one of the biggest struggles they have is trying to avoid sex until they are ready to tell the person they are dating that they are positive. He says that he didn't know whether y'all would just be a one night stand or not, but the second week around you obviously wouldn't be a one night stand. It took him three weeks and y'all fuckin' for him to magically realize that y'all are gonna "last"... That sounds crazy, what mature adult would say that? He has no idea in that little bit of time whether you're gonna last or not but what he should have is enough respect for you to say something to you in that time, before the sex. Then the nigga gon' have the nerve to tell you he's positive via a text message. Are you fuckin' serious? And isn't this guy supposed to be older than you? Obviously, he has a lot of growing up to do.

I feel bad for the guy, I know that having HIV isn't easy but I still can't give him a pass. Especially because this same thing happened to me, I was right in your shoes a few years ago. Slept with someone on the first day I met them for them to tell me later that they were positive. The difference between my person and your person is that my person took the time to sit me down and tell me in person and didn't have sex with me again until he told me. Because he was so forthright the way he went about telling me, I wasn't mad at all. I wasn't mad because he told me after we hooked up and started seeing each other, not after we started seeing each other for a few weeks and had sex and he sure as hell ain't send me no damn text message. I can't get over that shit. Sorry, but this dude is a loser and I don't think he's as into you as he's putting on.

As for you, go out and get yourself tested. Hopefully for you, this experience will just turn out to be a lesson learned rather than something you have to live with for the rest of your life.

God Bless You,
-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"You Shoulda Told Me".
by Kelly Price
from the album "Mirror Mirror."
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 08:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (10) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
Welcome to yet another "Ask Adam..." blog post. Where readers of the blog send me their life, love, sex, relationship and other pressing questions. I'll do my best to answer and advise them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
==========

I must say, I'm so tired of talking about this...

Dear Adam,

I am new to your blog and I’ve really enjoyed digesting your thoughts. This is a question that has been burning my mind since I’ve been sexually active (~ 2 years) but I don’t have the balls to ask any of my top friends. So I digress to you, as an avid top, and your readership. Excuse me for being wordy:

Whenever a guy tells me that he's "exclusively" a top, or bottom, I get indignant. I don't get verbally indignant; rather I let a subtle eye roll and subsequent disinterest in the conversation register my judgment. I consider myself versatile, freaky, and generally down to fuck. My preference honestly varies depending on the guy. I have had wonderful (and terrible) sexual experiences in both positions.

I have on multiple occasions blown off guys who I otherwise would be interested in (either for a relationship or quickie). For the short-term, I could accept a constriction but it is a deal breaker for an LTR. The idealist in me imagines that every semi-interesting, semi-cute 6’3” guy is a possible LTR; therefore, I call myself being proactive by completely shutting the door from jump if he “only tops”. I consider myself open to flirting with many guys and accepting most quirks; I have prolong flirtation with dumbass “bi-curious church monkeys” for fun but I can’t accept rigid sexual preferences (or talking during sex, but that’s another story). In many ways, I judge these guys worse than I do closet cases.

I feel like defining sexual roles defines the relationship physically and emotionally. If I’m the top do I also have to be big spoon, his “daddy”, and the breadwinner? If I’m the bottom do I have cook dinner and iron his undies? What happens if 15 years (or 2 months) down the road I change my mind, do I have to spend a lifetime in an unwanted position because I agreed it to after our first date? What happens if I normally bottom but have a bad day at work and need to be aggressive at home, would an exclusive top have to accept my request?

Sincerely,

Indignant

Dear Indignant,

Not to be mean but I'm gonna keep this one short and sweet. My reply to all your questions is essentially, so what? Top, bottom, versatile, these are all a matter of choice, what you're into, what you like, what satisfies you. I've noticed that versatile people tend to judge, and vilify tops and bottoms for liking one thing over the other. I for one, you know, have never really been into the penis, I've tried to tango with the one eyed snake only to find that I'm just not that good a dancer and that's fine. I'm not into getting fucked and that's okay. On the other hand I have many friends and dates who love getting fucked and couldn't possibly see themselves doing anything else. Does that make them less of a man and me more? Absolutely not.

I think it's our automatic attachment of straight traditional gender roles to our gay sexual positions that's the true root of this hateration if you will, that the root of a man's pride or assertion in being a top is his way of trying to hold on to some type of heterosexualized masculinity as the root of another man's assertion in being a bottom is his way of clinging to some type of heterosexalized femininity, neither of which are necessarily true. Sure there are people who take on these ideals but there are also plenty who don't. At the end of the day guys bottom because they like dick, other guys top because they like ass, versatiles like both so they flip fuck eachother. None of this has to define how they behave in a relationship nor is it anything for you to get "indignant" over. And lets not forget about the vers-tops and and vers-bottoms of the world just in case you're ever feeling frisky. Unlike the notion of one being gay in general, sexual position in the realm of gaydom is all about choice, it's about what someone likes. How dare you become angry with someone because they like what they like? You don't have to like it. You don't like tops, right? Neither do I and that's okay. How about you spend more energy on what you like and less on what you don't?

-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Do What You Like" feat. Junior M.A.F.I.A.
by Lil Kim
from the album "Notorious K.I.M."
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
Welcome to yet another "Ask Adam..." blog post. Where readers of the blog send me their life, love, sex, relationship and other pressing questions. I'll do my best to answer and advise them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
==========

Today's letter is about another situation I'm sure we've all been through in some way or another...

Hey Adam,

I'm in a pretty confusing situation. There's this boy I like but he's "straight", although, I don't get that impression at all. He's asked me to kiss him on various occasions, asked me whether I'm after just sex or a boyfriend, said he'd suck me off on one occasion and seems to stick to me like glue at house parties.

I've been contemplating confronting him about it, asking what the deal is "Are you bi?" "Are you gay?" etc, but my friends tell me not to 'cause it could ruin everything I have with him.

What would you advise I do?

Do you think it's likely he's bi-curious or just playing with my sexuality?

 -Confused In A Confusing Situation

Dear CIACS,
Oh brother... here goes yet another probable bi-curious closet case playing with a gay boy's emotions. I can't go all the way out on a limb and say that yes this guy is unequivocally gay, but if he's said and done the things you said, but still maintains that he's "straight" then he's obviously curious and probably wants to be experimental on some level.

See the problem I have with this type of situation is this. Already, gay men are portrayed as desperate whores who will sleep with anything with a penis by the media. How many times have you seen a movie or a TV show with a gay man who has a crush on every straight man he sees? Images like this would lead a straight man to believe that every gay guy is gonna naturally fall over him, because hey, that's what gay guys do, we want every man we see. I've said that to say this, this guy is obviously playing games with you. He's only playing this game with you because he knows that you will let him continue to get away with it. He can live his otherwise straight life with the rest of the world while testing out his secret gay curiosities on you. I mean why not, you're a gay guy, you're desperate for his attention anyway, right? Not right.

The question is not of him being gay, we don't know, the jury's still out on that one. The question is about you being gay and better than this situation. My advice to you is to confront him on it, be straightforward and real about it, be like "Yo, you talking about sucking my dick, you always all up on me, talkin' about how you wanna kiss me and whatnot, my dude, are you gay?" Having it put to him that way will shock his ass into either admitting it to himself and moving forward or into leaving you alone and moving onto the next desperate fag that will entertain his foolishness. Let him know that if he's gay or bi, it's okay to be that, if he's straight, it's okay to be that (without all the hanky panky talk), but don't allow him to continue to play with your sexuality and your feelings. You're no toy and you're no experiment. I mean shit, you may as well, you ain't got shit to lose, 'cuz for y'all to ever be together, he's gonna have to admit that he's gay anyway. Confronting him is a way to make him confront himself about his possible homosexual feelings, so you're actually doing him a favor.

As far as what your friends said about not confronting him as not to lose what you have with him? What kinda low self esteem having bitches are you hanging out with? You ain't got shit with him and nothing to lose. Confront him for once and for all, end the games now.

-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"You Gets No Love"
by Faith Evans
from the album "Faithfully"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 02:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
Welcome to yet another "Ask Adam..." blog post. Where readers of the blog send me their life, love, sex, relationship and other pressing questions. I'll do my best to answer and advise them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
==========

Today's letter is about a situation I'm sure we've all been through in some way or another...

Hey Adam,

I'm new to your blog and I must say that I really love it. I know that you sometimes give advice on issues, so I wanted to get your advice on something. I'm a 25 year old male and I've been dating dudes for a while. Recently my best friend said that he was talking to someone online that sounds a lot like a dude I used to date. Come to find out it was and he asked me if it was okay to talk to him. I told him do what his heart tells him to do, but deep down I really don't like the idea. Me and the dude were not serious or anything. My question to you is, when is it ok for friends to date the same dude or is it ever? I know its kind of difficult in this lifestyle not to run into this but it still gets under my skin.

 -Over It

Dear Over It,
In the words of Kim Catrall a.k.a. Samantha Jones from "Sex And The City", I must say to you, "Oh honey..." I wish I could feel sorry for you, but unfortunately you've done this to yourself, you've fucked on your bed and now you have to lie in the wet spot. Before we get into your specific situation, I'll answer your general question first.

Yes, the gay scene and more specifically, the ethnic gay scene is a microcosm of a microcosm, so even here in New York, the largest city in this great nation of the United States you're bound to run into some of the same players in different capacities from time to time. The situation of 'my best friend wants to date my ex' is all too common and now that I think about it I'm kinda surprised that it's taken this long for this particular issue to have come up here. I can't give a solid general answer as to whether this whole thing is universally okay or not. I believe that it should be dealt with on a case-by-case, person-by-person basis, contingent upon the parties involved.

In my experience I've tended to look at things this way. If I'm broken up with someone, like really broken up, all emotional and sexual ties have been severed, a considerable amount of time has elapsed, all wounds have healed, and better yet, we've even become amicable or friendly, and that person that I have broken up with can find happiness with my friend and or my friend can find happiness with them, however or whoever initially put things into motion, and they went about connecting with each other in the most honest and forthright way with respect to my feelings, I say why not, who am I to block someone else's blessing? Just because we didn't work doesn't mean it can't work with a friend or an associate. The being forthright thing though is extremely important as not being forthright about things could imply that the ex and the friend were messing around all along. That's also where good judgment is important. Obviously best friend and ex aren't, or rather shouldn't get together two weeks after y'all break up, this situation, even if born of genuine innocence (which I'd highly doubt) would still leave room for speculation of preexisting wrongdoing.

I remember a time once when there was a guy who really liked me and he was really going hard trying to get my attention. I told him that nothing could ever happen between us because he dated my best friend. I figured that he probably wasn't serious about me anyway, just only physically attracted to me and was using my best friend's absence as an opportunity to mess around. After having squelched his advances toward me retorting that same thing over and over again he took it upon himself one day to call my best friend on speakerphone in my presence to tell him how he felt about me and ask whether it was all okay. Although at that moment I really wasn't so much into him and previously didn't trust his motives, having seen him take that action, being so forthright and respectful of my best friend's feelings made me see him in a different light. My best friend was actually fine with it and I decided, 'hey why not?' and gave the guy a shot. It was a total fucking disaster, biggest mistake ever, but for unrelated reasons.

For this sort of thing to work smoothly three things are absolutely imperative:
1. You and your ex must have had to had broken up on good terms and if not on good terms at least by now have worked past all that and are amicable or friendly even with no lingering romantic feelings from either party.
2. The ex and the friend must approach the idea of forming their union in the most forthright and honest way with regard to your feelings on the matter. Meaning, they have to tell you what's going on before they engage in anything serious like dating, sex, etc.
3. Most importantly, you must agree to it all.

See, this what you did. Okay, so alright, out of your own mouth you said that the ex wasn't exactly the love of your life, it wasn't that serious, okay. So your friend 'innocently' stumbled across a guy online that turned out to be your ex and he asked you whether it was okay to date him. Your friend in his own way followed steps one and two, you fucked up step three. When he asked you whether it was okay you had the power to stop this from happening, but instead of saying how you really felt, you gave the passive-aggressive, answer of "do what your heart tells you to do", say what? What kinda shit is that? You asked for this. I mean, follow what his heart tells him to do, his heart was gon' tell him to go after the guy, like duh, but you expected for his heart to sense your reluctance and give him pause after you already gave him the green light. Instead of being the quote-unquote 'bad guy' and/or admitting or making it seem like you still had feelings for your ex by stopping this from happening, you expected your best friend to stop things himself.

I realize that your feelings of discomfort with this may not even be from having lingering romantic feelings for your ex. I mean an ex is an ex for a reason, maybe you just don't want him around you anymore, hence the break up, and you know that if he gets with your best friend, naturally you're gonna have to be around him again, maybe you just don't like the potential weirdness of it all. Whatever the reason, it was up to you to decide, your best friend didn't sneak around your back. He came to you, giving you the full opportunity to stop things if you chose to do so, you chose not to do so. Kids, one of these days we're gonna realize that most people aren't mind readers and that if we want something from someone we must verbalize it, specifying to that person exactly what it is we want and if we don't do that and subsequently don't get what we want we cannot under any circumstances be mad about it.

So what do we do now? There isn't much to do except to talk to your friend. I'm presuming that this involvement between him and your ex is fairly new and they probably haven't made wedding plans as of yet. Tell him exactly how you feel, don't lie or sugarcoat, if you still want the ex, don't wanna be around the ex, whatever it is let your friend know the absolute truth. Now the ball is in his court. More than likely, if he's your best friend like you say he is, then he probably wouldn't wanna let a new relationship cause potential strife between you and him, and would probably break things off. Although if he decided to stick with his new relationship with your ex he's well within his rights to do so and if you are his best friend like you say you are then you'd have to suck it up and deal with it, with no whining, bitching, or complaining. See what happens when you give your power to someone else?

-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Playing In The Background...
"Not Anymore"
by LeToya
from the album "Lady Love"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 02:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

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Welcome to yet another "Ask Adam..." blog post. Where readers of the blog send me their life, love, sex, relationship and other pressing questions. I'll do my best to answer and advise them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
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After all the drama I've been going through in the past few weeks I'm shocked that anyone would think to ask my advice about anything and yet the letters still roll in. The subject of today's reader letter is one I know all too well.

Hey Adam,

First off I just wanna say that I'm a girl and I love your blog. Shout out to the ladies. WHOOT! WHOOT! I know I'm stupid. But anyway, I have a problem.

I've been dating this guy for a few months now and we're fine, but I'm having a problem with his friends, it's like they're jealous of our relationship or something. In the beginning I tried to be nice to them, but they were always so stank with me, so now I'm like fuck y'all too. It's like they are always around and even when they're not around they just tend to just pop up unannounced, especially when we're alone and it's mad disrespectful. I mean damn, do they all gotta see each other every day? The shit is not normal. I know my man and his boys are like brothers and they go way back to his childhood and they've been through a lot of shit together, but he's a grown man now with a woman in his life and I feel like the same way I respect his relationship with them he needs to make them respect his relationship with me. Am I crazy, am I justified or am I just being an overly sensitive girl?

 -Pissed Off Lady

Hey POL,
I was cracking up inside as I read your letter because, believe it or not I went through the exact same situation with someone I used to date. This dude, let's call him Maurice, was really tight with his group of boys, it was like four of them and all four of them would literally see each other and/or hang out like every single day. I kid you not, it was the weirdest thing to me. I love my friends, love them to death, but there is not a friend in this world that I hang out with every day, not to mention a group of friends, so I totally feel you on this. I live alone and the only one who sees me every day is Jesus.

It's weird because me and my friends are the exact opposite of that. In fact, some of my closest friends don't even live in New York so I may see them every couple of months or even once a year, but that still doesn't make us any less close. And as far as relationships go, we have a deep, serious and almost reverent respect for each other's romantic relationships. We tend to look at it this way. If we're friends, we'll always be friends, I don't have to see you or be with you everyday to know that you have my back if I need you and vice versa. So if we start to see one of us a little less when one of us gets a new shawty in his life we all naturally fall back because we realize how volatile relationships can be and how much extra attention they require, especially in the beginning, and that no matter what we all aren't any less friends because of it. And besides, our boy gotta fuck somebody, we all got needs. We can chalk your boyfriend's friends resentment toward you to insecurity, jealousy, feeling like you are taking their friend from them, or maybe they just simply don't like you, but what they fail to realize is that you being in your boyfriend's life isn't their call to make.

You definitely need to tackle this issue from a stance of understanding and respect and it seems as though you are trying, or rather have tried your best to do that. While it would be all too easy to fight back with his friends and stoop to their level, resorting to rude, disrespectful shenanigans of your own, you have to be bigger than that. You have to understand that their friendship dynamic, albeit weird to you, and me, is indeed theirs and was established long before you came into the picture. Your job now is to find the best way to let your boyfriend know that he needs to establish balance and boundaries between his relationship with you and his friendship with them and make this whole situation is his to take care of.

Just don't make the mistake of trying to get his friends to like you. Of course, always be nice, always smile, always be courteous, do your part and hopefully everything turns out peachy, but whether they like you or not isn't your concern. In my situation with Maurice I was pretty sure that his friends for whatever reason did not care for me and I never thought it necessary to waste my time trying to prove my virtues to them. I was not in a relationship with them, I was with Maurice and casual association with them was only a mere by-product of that. What Maurice and I had had nothing to do with them. So if they try to throw you shade, resist the temptation to throw it back and pay them no mind, you know your place and all the shade in the world ain't gon' change that and if it does shake it off, walk away and let him cuddle up to his boys at night.

Take into consideration that you have yet to adequately communicate your concerns to your boyfriend. Even if you've said something before he obviously doesn't get it, or at least doesn't get the seriousness of the situation. He's probably thinking that this is all no big deal and that because he loves you and he loves them that you all would just naturally hit it off. He may be totally oblivious of the way you feel you are being disrespected by them. He may think because they are his friends that they're your friends too and that you enjoy their company as much as he does. Also realize that you aren't his first girlfriend, I'm sure there have been a string of girls before you that have been pushed away by his friends. It may be their weird way of protecting their boy or it may be their way of keeping their boy single and out at the clubs with them. They may even subconsciously be thinking 'If we can't get no pussy, we won't let nobody else get none' and ruin each other's relationships on purpose, you know misery loves company. Think about all the girls that may have come along and broken his heart and at the end of the day his boys were there, he himself may be insecure about opening his heart to you and could be using his boys as a protective barrier.

You need to sit him down and let him know that you are not happy with the way things are and that you expect for him to get off his ass and do something about it. You need to let him know that he needs to big a big boy and let his friends know that the time y'all spend together is y'alls personal time. There's a time to be social but there's most certainly a time to be private. I'm sure you don't want to be fucking your man for an audience. I'm sure you're not that kinda girl, those kinda girls don't read this blog. LOL Reassure him that while you aren't trying to take him from his precious boys, that he needs to establish boundaries and properly balance his time.

After a serious talk more than likely things will eventually end up smoothing out between you and his boys, you all don't have to like each other but you will have to learn to respect and tolerate eachother for his sake. Once your boyfriend puts his foot down and they see that you aren't going anywhere they will have no choice but to relax. Let your boyfriend know how you feel and you must put the situation in his hands to straighten out. If he loves you, he'll do it, cuz, I mean hey, at the end of the day you can give him something his boys can't. And if he doesn't move on to a man that isn't so co-dependent.

-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Lovers & Friends" feat. Usher and Ludacris
by Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz
from the album "Crunk Juice"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 05:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

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Welcome to yet another "Ask Adam..." blog post. Where readers of the blog send me their life, love, sex, relationship and other pressing questions. I'll do my best to answer and advise them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email (try to keep it under 500 words please). And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
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Okay, from this day on I'ma have to enact a length limit on these letters y'all send me. Some of the letters I receive from y'all are kinda short and tend lack necessary details that would help me get down to the root of the letter writer's problem, leaving me to have to make assumptions sometimes and that's okay, I guess, but every so often I get letters that are way too long, filled with all kinds of superfluous details that convolute and obscure the issue at hand. I know that some of you are hurting, and you mean well, but for efficiency's sake and my own sanity I'm limiting y'all to 500 words or less per advice letter. That's more than enough space to open your hearts to us without getting all rambly.

Today's reader letter was a prime example of one of the longer letters I've received. It gave events and times and dates, and even names (y'all please don't put folks names in your letters to me) which all made for an interesting background story, but never quite got to the root of the problem. Fortunately, the writer of the letter summed things up quite astutely in the last sentence of the last paragraph of his letter. And because this writer's problem is such a universally gay, and probably straight issue I've decided to leave off the details in an effort to open this up to everybody. So only that last paragraph is what I'm reposting here today:

"Dear Adam,

...So now I find myself missing the guy that broke my heart. Not only that, I realized I've compared everyone I've dated to him and that's the reason I left the other guys. I know that was wrong but everything about them felt wrong when everything about him felt right. I find myself crying because I miss this guy so much. And my family tells me to let it go and that I should have been over it. It's been almost and year and I still find myself in love with someone that didn't obviously give a damn about me. HELP! What should I do?

 -Lost & Confused"

Lawdy, lawd, lawd, lawd I've been here before. I sang this song, I starred in the play, and the movie and even scored the soundtrack. As I've said many times before, unrequited love is some ol' bullshit and probably the one of the greatest emotional pains a human being can feel.

Unfortunately, yeah, I've totally been here before too many times. But by the grace and patience of God I think I've finally learned my lesson so I will try my best to impart my newly acquired truths to you. Okay L&C you gotta face some hard facts.

The Hard Facts:

Homeboy, him, the one who left you, he don't want you no more and ain't a damn thing you can do about it. You can cry, you can pout, rehearse shit over and over again in your mind, driving yourself crazy, none of that will bring him back. There's nothing you could have done differently to have made him stay. Ultimately, if he wanted to stay he would have stayed, but he didn't. He is gone, gone, gone. Period. Gone.

He doesn't give a damn about you anymore... and that's okay. Just because he doesn't care about you anymore that doesn't make him a bad person. You are not in a relationship with this man anymore, he isn't obligated to care about you anymore and that doesn't make him a heartless monster. I'm sure you encounter thousands of people each and every day that you couldn't give two runny shits about and I wouldn't call you Hitler. And you aren't upset because those thousands of runny shit people don't care about you. Why? Because unlike homeboy you don't expect them to care about you. You're upset with homeboy because he's not meeting your expectation, an expectation that he doesn't have to meet anymore. Him not giving a damn about you, as you say, should be even more encouragement to let his ass go. I fail to see the problem with it.

You say you still love him, but you are full of shit. It's been almost a year. You are not in love with him anymore, you are in love with "us". You miss the feeling of you and him. You want him back because of how his presence makes YOU feel. Have you ever given thought to the idea that wherever he is now that he may be really happy with that person, that he may have found everything that he was looking for? Doesn't that make you ridiculously happy? Of course it doesn't because you're full of shit. That's why you compare all the other guys you have dated to him, not because you miss him so much, but because you miss the feeling, the high you got from being with with him. Love and infatuation are a high, people. It's all mental, emotions aren't much more than endorphins, pheromones and dopamine. I'm not saying that anyone should become sterile and heartless, but we should become more mindful of who we choose to love and why. So instead of trying to get over him, grieve and heal yourself and quit him cold turkey, you were trying to find a quick fix with other dudes and are frustrated because it's not working.

He has stated with his absence that you don't make him feel the way he wants or needs to feel. That you don't make him happy anymore and if you truly love someone you would want them to be happy, even if it's not with you. Loving someone seldom means that you get exactly what you want, unless in loving someone you genuinely want them to be happy no matter what. And in that same way someone will come along who will love you and genuinely want you to be happy and hopefully they will be happiest with you and you with them. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go. In wanting him back you are being selfish and by holding on to him you're stopping the one for you from coming along.

He is not hurting you anymore, you are hurting you. He has no more power over you than you are willing to give him. And the power that you are giving him he doesn't even want anymore as he's not even around to receive it. He is not the enemy. These hurt feelings that you are feeling you are bringing them upon yourself trying to hold on to something that isn't yours anymore. The relationship is dead, you grieve, you reflect and you move on. You have to move on, you have no choice. He's living his life, it's time for you to live yours.

The lesson that I want you to learn from all of this is that you are more powerful than you think. This whole thing is all about you, not him. He is gone. He is not an issue anymore. He can't hurt you because doesn't exist in your life anymore. It's only in your mind where you have the power to resurrect him and the idea of him in your life. A lot of times in our lives it's not about what happens to us but what we allow to happen to us. In my past when I was where you were, realizing that I was not the helpless victim that I was painting myself out to be and that in many ways I was full of shit my damn self really helped me to snap out of it. It ain't magic and granted you'll think of him and miss "us" from time to time, but like any addiction it's a day by day process, but you've gotta make the initial effort. What have you got to lose? You feel like shit anyway. Homeboy is gone, been gone for a year, it can't get no shittier. So now lets be a big boy, stop being a sissy and accept that he's gone and that that's okay and learn to let this go.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email (try to keep it under 500 words please). And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In the Background...
"I'll Find A Way"
by Blu Cantrell
from the album "So Blu"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 02:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

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Welcome to yet another "Ask Adam..." blog post. Where readers of the blog send me their life, love, sex, relationship and other pressing questions. I'll do my best to answer and advise them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
==========

I'm what you'd call a gold star gay man, in that I have never had sex with a woman and don't really want to. A common misconception about gayness or gayhood, if you will, among straight people and even some gay folks is that the reason why many of us are gay is because our first or only sexual experiences are or have been with the same sex. Some even go as far as to say that things like molestation by older people of the same sex during childhood is a reason why we're gay. People who believe such theories are basically saying that being gay has to ultimately be the result of a sexual choice or some sort of unfortunate circumstances. They believe that gayness is not inherent or natural in human beings, that the only difference between a gay and a straight person is sex, that sex makes you gay, that there are no gay virgins and that no one is born gay.

Many Christians and other religious adherents would say that one couldn't be born gay because God can't make a mistake and that being gay is some type of mistake or defect. This theory is a bit odd because Christians believe that we are all born in sin and cannot enter the Kingdom of God or Heaven when we die without the intercession of Jesus Christ. Basically that means that a baby, who has done nothing in life is born a sinner, by no actions of their own, but because of the original sin of Adam and Eve. And once that baby gets to an age of understanding where they are told that they are a sinner must be saved, they then are then responsible for doing so, if not they will burn in hell for all eternity upon death or Christ's return to Earth, whichever comes first. The head scratcher here is that; how can you believe that homosexuality is a sin and that we are all born into sin, but it's impossible to grasp that someone can be born gay?

This dilemma is what today's letter writer is grappling with. Let's read her letter.

Hi Adam,

My question for you is do you believe a person has to be sexually active to know there sexual orientation? The reason I'm asking is my older cousin told me I'm confused and I don't know who I like because I'm still a virgin. I tried to explain to her that I've been attracted to both male and female since I was a little girl. I even tried to lift up my teacher's dress when I was like seven. I don't have to have sex to know who I like. I didn't just wake up one morning and decide to follow the trend of '08 but, I did decide to be honest with my self and the people i feel needed to know. Yeah, so I just wanted your opinion on the situation.

Thanx,
 -Lesbian Virgin

Hey Lesbian Virgin,

After I came out to my mother a few years back on of the first things she said to me was that "You ain't gay! You just a freak that's all. You just do that because that's how you lost your virginity." She believes that I was born straight and somewhere along the way I chose to be gay. What she and most straight people didn't understand is that I and most gays have a sexual and romantic affinity for the same sex long before we're old enough to do something about it, the same way it is for straight people toward the opposite sex. I tried many times to get a peek at another naked boy when I was younger, just like a straight boy would wanna peek at a girl. Stories such as yours about you as a child looking up the teacher's skirt are not uncommon at all for gay youths. It's the same way that a young straight boy would try to look up his female teacher's skirt, but for him they'd say that it's natural curiosity, for you, you're just a freak. To say that this is a double standard is more than an understatement, it's a real statement. Gays and straights are certainly judged by two different standards although our sexual development is pretty much the same. The only difference is that heterosexuality is nurtured while homosexuality is condemned.

Another thing that my mother said that day that I came out to her was that she thought that my gayness could have been a result of sexual molestation. She then recited a laundry list of different men I've encountered throughout my life, ministers, family friends, even my own father, asking if any of them had molested me. And no I was not molested, I'm just a homo, but for many, because of religious and societal conditioning that homosexuality is bad and wrong and evil and abominable (like the snowman lol) that fact is hard for them to believe.

LV, don't go down the same path many young lesbians do in your situation and believe what your older cousin is telling you and just go and sleep with a guy just because. If you really don't feel romantic attraction to a man, don't force it. I'm not going to encourage you one way or the other, but what I will encourage you to do is follow your heart. If your heart says gay, be gay, if it says straight, be straight. Don't let anyone tell you that you are confused about you. Remove all influences from your head, get somewhere where you can be alone with your thoughts and think about what you really want. You know you better than your cousin or anyone else knows you and you will have to live with whatever decisions you make. Too many young gay people in situations just like yours get married to the opposite sex and have kids and get to be damn near fifty before they decide to come out and in the process they needlessly shatter the lives of their spouses and children just because they couldn't be real with themselves when they were twenty. It's ridiculous, just be you, whoever that is.

LV, you sound like you've done all of this already so I'm so not worried about you. This I will say to your cousin though:

Cousin, calm yo ass down! Stop telling that child that she's confused just because she hasn't had sex with a man. You knew you liked dick before you took your first ride so why can't she know what she likes before she gets her first lick. I know that dick is probably really good to you and you probably can't fathom why any woman wouldn't want it like you do. But there are women who don't like dick, they're called lesbians and your cousin is one of them. So stop trippin', make yourself useful and be the supportive cousin I know that you can be. The only reason why she thought enough of you to tell you is because she loves you. Now it's your turn to love her back. I know that you are concerned for her and yes the road ahead for her won't be the easiest, but she'll get through much better with your love and support.

Now can we please put this no one is born gay shit to rest already?

-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Controversy"
by Prince
from the album "Controversy"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 06:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

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Welcome to yet another "Ask Adam..." blog post. Where readers of the blog send me their life, love, sex, relationship and other pressing questions. I'll do my best to answer and advise them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
==========

No matter how slutty we are or how slutty people say or think we are, everybody's got boundaries, some things they just will not do. Some women, take it up the ass like a champ, but will only save the cooch for marriage or vice versa. Some gay men will suck all the dicks in the world, but won't get fucked until they find "the one". There was a time when I fucked damn near everybody, but would not give head unless I was really into and dating a guy and even then it was light, shit, I'm still like that, sans the fucking everybody part of course. Today's reader letter is from someone in a situation similar to mine, he doesn't wanna just give head to every Tom, Harry, and Dick's dick but isn't sure how to express that to his sex partners, especially once he's already received head. Let's jump right into it.

Hey there, Adam!

So I have to get oral for a hot minute! I know that giving head isn't really your forte, but I have a question: How exactly do I explain to a guy that I really don't like doing it after they ALREADY gave me a blowjob?

Here's the thing... I don't really mind sucking dick... I suppose it's OK, but unless I'm really REALLY feeling the guy I don't automatically jump to sucking.

What often happens is that I hook up with a guy and he swoops down HELLA fast and starts going at it. When he comes up for air, he's then waiting for me to reciprocate. Don't get me WRONG... I LOVES the dick!! I love everything about it! I will jack it off, spoon with it, whatever (I don't wanna get too explicit... haha); but I'm just not a fan of having the dick all up in my mouth.

Does this make me a greedy bastard for not returning the favor? Should I just SUCK IT UP and do it?

**sighs**

I know you'll have a clever answer for me!

Hope all is well...

Sincerely,
Not aHEAD Of The Game

First off I want to say wow NAOTG, you just know that I'll have a clever answer for you, huh? I mean, oh my gosh, do you know what kind of stress that puts me under? I'm kidding, but thanks for the vote of confidence.

As far as your question is concerned, like the wars in the Middle East, and most other horrible conflicts between human beings throughout history your issue comes as a result of a lack of communication and a bit of selfishness on your part. For me being a top and having dealt for the most part strictly with bottoms, there isn't much pre-sex parameter conversation I've had to have. We both come into the game pretty much knowing what we like to do, but if there are any deviations from the script we discuss those before anything pops off.

NOATG, at the surface yours is quite a simple problem. If you uttered a simple, "Ayyo, nah son I don't really give head all quick like that." or an "Ooh daddy I don't suck no dude's dick I just met all quick like that, you gotta marry me first." or a "Miss Honey, I don't see it to munch your bird tonight, it's no shade." you know, however you talk, then your whole problem is avoided. I think, scratch that, I know that the issue is more about you not wanting to say that you aren't gonna suck his dick out of the fear that you won't get your dick sucked and that sir is dishonest, deceitful, and just not nice. In your words, yes you are "a greedy bastard" and you know it. He ain't moving that damn fast!

My advice to you would be to just be honest with the guys you're hooking up with. Yes it very well may be a deal breaker at times, but that's the chance you take when you want something done to you and are completely unwilling to reciprocate it. I've had many guys walk away from me because I wanted to fuck them and wouldn't let them fuck me and you know what, that's okay. Those guys just weren't the ones for me. So if you want to continue seeing the same type of guys you've been seeing you may have to compromise a little on the head thing. You'll be surprised though, there are plenty of guys who are not into getting their dick sucked (I'm not one of them, but they're out there). Only thing is that most of those guys are probably full bottoms and I'm no clairvoyant or anything, but I don't get a top vibe from you.

My even greater piece of advice to you NOATG is to find a guy and actually get to know him so that you can 'really feel him' as you say and you guys could both suck eachother's dicks happily ever after.

-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Head"
by Prince
from the album "Dirty Mind"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (9) | TrackBacks (0)

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Welcome to yet another "Ask Adam..." blog post. Where readers of the blog send me their life, love, sex, relationship and other pressing questions. I'll do my best to answer and advise them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
==========

The idea of gay marriage has set off somewhat of an idealogical, social civil war in this country. Father against son, brother against brother, sister against sister, friend against friend, people who are close in all other ways seem to be totally divided on this matter. It's funny that I'm answering this reader's question today, the day after Thanksgiving, after coming back home a few hours ago from my parents house for the holiday. My parents and I also have differing views on gay marriage. Today's reader letter is from a lesbian who is planning to wed next year, but is worried that her family won't show up to her wedding. Let's jump right into it.

Hey Adam,

I'm a lesbian and I'm engaged to get married next October 2009. I haven't told my parents of my family because I don't think they will come. What do you think I should do?

 -Worried About Wedding

Hey Worried,
Ummm, okay, your letter is kinda short, unfortunately you haven't given me much to go on so I'm gonna have to make some assumptions here. The first sentence of your letter could go one of two ways. Either your family knows that you're a lesbian and they don't know that you're marrying a woman or they don't know that you're a lesbian or that you're marrying a woman.

Let's assume that they already know that you're a lesbian and don't know anything about your impending nuptials next October. In that case most of the hard work is done. Although, it may not be their ideal situation for you logic would dictate that you've gotta eventually settle down with someone. In a situation like this it would seem as though their issue would be more about the idea of lesbian "marriage" than about you being a lesbian. My advice to you in this situation would be to tell them as soon as possible. Sure, there is a great chance that they will not be supportive of it initially, but the longer they have to mull it over the more likely they will get over it by the time the wedding comes. Eleven months is a long time to think about something, more than enough time for even the staunchest of detractors to give an idea a second thought, Besides, the holiday season is the perfect time to break the big news, hearts are usually a bit softer this time of year. Also, bringing homegirl around the family a little bit wouldn't hurt either. Let them get to know her better, that is if they don't know her that well already. It's harder to deny someone something once they become an actual human being rather than just an idea.

Now in the other case of your family not knowing you are a lesbian and that you're planning to wed, I'd suggest that you tell your family that you're a lesbian right away. What have you got to lose? The longer you wait isn't gonna make you any less a lesbian so you may as well spill the beans. Whoever's not gonna like it, isn't not gonna like it any less initially the longer you wait. After your confession, you shouldn't introduce them to your fiancee right away. Let them get used to the idea of you being a lesbian first before you dive into telling them the marriage thing. I would suggest you wait a month or two before you introduce them to homegirl and another two months before you drop the marriage bomb. If you drop it all on them at one time it could possibly be too much for them to handle.

Either way, give your family a little credit as they may not be as bad about it all as you think. In the case of my own family, they aren't nearly as terrible about it as I thought. Yeah, they're not cool with the whole marriage thing, but maybe by the time I'm ready to commit to someone they may feel a bit different. And if after all that some family members don't show up, they don't show up. It's unfortunate, but you can't let that stop you from marrying the woman you love. Either way, sitting around, wasting time, not saying anything isn't gonna help the situation. So be a big girl and get the ball rolling.

-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"The Chapel Of Love"
by The Dixie Cups
from the album "Complete Red Bird Recordings"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

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Welcome to yet another "Ask Adam..." blog post. Where readers of the blog send me their life, love, sex, relationship and other pressing questions. I'll do my best to answer and advise them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
==========

Often many of us gays who come out don't come out to much anticipation and fanfare. Many of us, myself included, while happy to finally be honest with ourselves and the world about who we really are nevertheless pushed out to start over in a whole new social world we've never quite been able to fully explore before. Something which left many of us to ask the question, yeah, okay, I'm gay, so now what? Today's letter is from a reader in Atlanta who has recently come out and is trying to find his place in the gay world.

Hey Adam,

I just started reading your blog, and I have to say that I like more than most other black gay bloggers, because you don't seem to be overtly conceited, and give unnecessarily dramatic views on your sex life and other relationships. THANK YOU for that.

My question is about what my next step should be. I'm a junior college student in Atlanta, and I have recently come out to my friends and family. I want to know what exactly my next step is. The guys I see at school tend to be more flashy, loud and flamboyant than I. I don't knock them for doing that, but I can't really relate to them. I'm more reserved, and probably have spent more time in the library than in a club. I would go out, but I don't have any kind of support network yet in terms of friends. I want to be in a relationship, but I admit that I am terribly shy and uncool. I don't if I should just look for sex (seems to be the most prevalent thing) or try to get into a strong relationship.

I know Atlanta is supposed to be the black gay mecca, but all I have really seen are all these queens and pretty boys that care more about your equipment downstairs than ANYTHING else. I don't have expensive clothes or know the words to the latest Beyonce track, and I'm not the most attractive. But that should not prevent me from making friends that I am compatible with and integrating my sexuality into the rest of my life. Where do I go to build on this new part of my life? What's the best way for a newcomer to start meeting guys that aren't the stereotype, both for friendship and intimate relationships? Any advice at all for me?

 -Alien In Atlanta

Hey Alien,
About four years ago I was right where you are so I could totally relate. I was 21 and newly out with no gay friends and no one who I could talk to about all the things I was going through. I mean, yeah sure, there were my straight friends, the ones I grew up with, but they couldn't and didn't care to understand the whole gay thing. And frankly, I didn't know enough and wasn't patient enough to attempt to explain it to them. So yeah, I totally feel you. Like me, you don't seem like much of the go out, all up in the club type either and the idea of walking up to a stranger in a club and saying "Will you be my friend?" is ridiculous.

Much to the chagrin of the more Puritanical of us I would say going online is the best place to start from scratch. It's a great ice breaker and an even greater equalizer, there are no big I's and little you's online, regardless of what some of us try to portray. And while the queens at the club can be a bit much at times they seem to come a little closer to earth online. A general consensus is that all there is online is sex and that's just simply not true, it's all about the individual and what that person chooses to put out there.

I met my first real gay friend who took me to my first gay club and is the reason why I know half the people I know today on BGC (http://bgclive.com). Go there, fill out a profile and put up a few nice pictures. I would suggest G and possibly R rated non-nude pics, since you're not looking for sex. Although I have in the past, as of late I'm feeling that the nude pic thing is a little tacky a racier pic yes, nude pics no. And even with that you should tread lightly. Although it shouldn't be your goal you may even run into a nice gentleman caller. In that case TRUTHFULLY fill out all of the appearance and personality related questions they ask you, height, weight, whether you are in and out of the closet, masc/fem, etc. You can elect to fill out the more sexual questions as well such as dick size, sexual position, etc., I would, but that's me. Then there's the most important part, filling in a paragraph or so about who you are (be sure not to brag that's unnattractive) and what you're looking for (be sure not to go off into a rant about what you're not looking for and also be sure not to sound too needy).

Once you're done with your profile, browse other profiles, being sure to pay more attention to what they wrote about themselves rather than how they look. If someone seems interesting, hit them up with a friendly "Hello" and it'd also be cool if you reference something that they wrote about themselves on their profile in your initial message, it shows that you actually read they're profile and are not just looking for sex. And while you're browsing other members of the site they will be browsing you too. Also be sure to check out the message boards, members post about life and sex and dating, music and all kinds of things, browsing the boards can be a laugh riot and hours of fun!

Hopefully you'll find someone cool to talk to and after a while y'all can meet and that person can introduce you to other people which will in turn build your confidence up and eventually you'll get into the social scene, going to clubs and other events meetin people in person as well as online. Although a website shouldn't be the only way you ever meet people. It can be a really nice start. It worked for me. Good luck!

-Adam

PS: I'm totally with you on that Beyonce thing and just in case you didn't catch my drift earlier, don't go looking for the love of your life online, although its not impossible that you could find him that way, let's just start off with cool people and possible friends, okay? And don't let these jaded gurls scare you off, there's nothing wrong with finding friends online.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Be Happy"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "My Life"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (8) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
Welcome to yet another "Ask Adam..." blog post. Where readers of the blog send me their life, love, sex, relationship and other pressing questions. I'll do my best to answer and advise them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
==========

Today's letter is from a reader who wants to know how to approach guys who flirt with him at the gym. This is bound to be interesting. Let's read.

"Dear Adam,

In light of your recent post on the gym, I decided to ask you a question that is gym specific.

At my gym there are always a few cute guys that check me out, but they always expect me to make the first move. The problem is, I'm too shy. My question for you is do you have any advice (or even a fool proof method) on approaching guys in the gym and eventually getting their numbers? In particular there's this personal trainer who has been eyeing me and I'd really like to talk to him.

Thanks a lot!
 - Finding Him At The Gym"

Last year I wrote a blog post about going to the gym, namely being gay at the gym and resisting the temptation to look at the naked guys at the gym, you know because a lot of them are straight and that kinda thing makes them uncomfortable and makes us look desperate, both of which are wack and set our movement back like 20 years. For the sake of worldwide gay-straight relations I recommend that you develop tunnel vision a tthe gym and keep your eyes on your own work.

That being said, I found it quite peculiar that in your mention of the bevy of attractive guys at your gym you said that they always flirt and that they always expect you to make the first move. Have you thought that maybe, just maybe you may be reading a little too much into things? I mean, if you're running into all these sexy guys at the gym at least one of them should be ballsy enough to make some kind of initial move. They don't have to throw you down and mount you on the stair climber but, I man damn, a little "Hey, what's good?" would suffice. I'm not trying to rain on your pride parade or anything I'm just trying to save you from a potentially embarrassing moment that could make you never wanna go to your gym again.

Now, I do think that it's very possible that at least one of these guys could really be into you and I will give you the best, most risk free, way to find out. Before you approach, stalk your prey, watch these guys that you think may be giving you the eye. Pay attention to what machines they use, what times they usually work out, but you must do this smoothly while still taking care of your normal workout regimen. You don't ever wanna look like you're waiting for the guy.

Once you feel confident enough you should go up to the guy but NOT in a romantic way. You should ask him to work in with him for a few sets on his machine (of course this particular machine should be the only of its kind available at the time). While working out with him try to start absolutely non-sexual small talk about like sports or politics or something like that. If he's warm and engaging continue talking and see where it goes, keeping it NON SEXUAL within the gym premises. If he's not so warm, assume that he's straight or not into you, work your sets and get the hell outta there!

Now if things lead to y'all walking home or to a train or bus or having coffee or something together after the gym, it's a great sign, but be careful and take it slow, feeling him out on the romantic tip. I don't see why a man would have a long conversation with another man at the gym and leave the gym with that man and he not be at least some type of attraction, but anything's possible.

The key to this, however you approach one of these guys is to be as friendly and non-sexual as possible in the hopes that if you throw the ball into his court, he'll invite you to play ball. But, whatever you do, be careful and if thing go really, really well, just promise me that you guys won't end up fucking in the sauna or steam room. That's so tacky and gross!

-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Can't Speak French"
by Girls Aloud
from the album "Tangled Up"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 09:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

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Welcome to yet another "Ask Adam..." blog post. Where readers of the blog send me their life, love, sex, relationship and other pressing questions. I'll do my best to answer and advise them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
==========

Today's question is from a young guy wondering whether he should get into the ballroom scene. I'm pretty sure that quite a few of you, especially my straight readers don't know much about the ballroom scene. The simplest most elementary way to describe it would be to say that the ballroom scene is composed of fraternal groups of dance teams that compete against each other runway walking and doing vogue-style dancing at competitions they call balls. These groups are called houses and hare usually named after things that have to do with fashion, such as the "House Of Misrahi" named after fashion designer Issac Misrahi, etc (click here for a more in-depth definition of the ballroom scene). It's something that's really big in the black gay community. Like the fraternities and sororities that are found on college campuses the ballroom scene can be quite all-encompassing and some overzealous participants in it have been known to get so wrapped up with it all that some say they actually lose sight of reality. It is for that reason that today's letter writer is concerned. So lets get to his letter.

Adam,

I need your help. I'm 21 now, on my last legs in terms of college, and will walk my first ball next week. I want to ask you, if you think it is smart, at 21, to just begin delving into the ballroom scene. Mind you, I am not going into the ballroom looking for life or close "girlfriends," drugs, or any other vice it is infamously associated with, I just want to vogue. I love the beat, the art, and it pulls me in, does that make sense to you? Sure, adulation and applause from those who enjoy the same thing is always nice, but it is not my main reason for getting into the scene. I don't know, I almost feel as if I am too late to really jump into the scene, (most kids start at 17, I only found out about the scene at 18-19ish, and have been going back and forth with the idea of getting in for a while). I just don't want to be seen by anyone as a ballroom queen, and I don't want to be caught up, but I do want to finally enjoy my gay, something I never do. I am always SCHOOL, SCHOOL, and more SCHOOL. What do you think Adam?

Thanks,
EnVogue

The thing is that even though I have an appreciation of the artform, I'm not a participant in the ballroom scene. Sure, I've been asked several times to join different houses, but I can hardly dance so there's no way my awkward ass is gonna be able to vogue. I often joke and say that the only thing I could ever do in a house is be secretary or treasurer. Besides it's just not my thing. But I wasn't gonna let this setback leave EnVogue's question unanswered so I decided to turn to an expert. I submitted EnVogue's question to my best friend Mike Icon, who walks schoolboy realness for the House of Icon and won in his category at this year's Latex ball back in June. Here's what he had to say:

My advice to you EnVogue is to not dive into the scene full force!!! Walk a mini-ball deluxe (like Jack's Mizrahi's Rumble Ball, a popular monthly mini-ball here in New York) so that you can get an idea of the "ballroom" feel!! People from the ballroom can be very shady and not everyones skin isn't tough enough for ballroom shade!!! You also want to give your self time to adjust to the scene, kinda get the flow of how its run, the politics of it all!! Make sure you performance is up to par, you don;t want to get chopped your first time around. Turn it to the point where people are gonna remember your name!!

You should look at the scene as a extracurricular activity and not a "lifestyle." Continue to do well in school and work because the scene can distract you and many people start to drift away from the important things in life and become 100% ballroom. Just take your time and make it fun. As far as your age is concerned, you're still young, some people are 28 years old that vogue and still don't get their LIFE, so this is a good age to start because your in a different stage and you level of maturity is very different than your average person starting in the ballroom scene!! Remember, "you make the scene, it doesn't make you!!!!"

-Mike Icon

So there you have it EnVogue. according to Mike you don't have anything to worry about. As long as you don't let the ballroom scene take over your life you should be fine.

-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Work"
by Ciara
from the album "Fantasy Ride"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 04:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

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With this post I'm launching a new category, "Ask Adam..." where you can send me all of your life, love and relationship questions. I'll try my best to answer them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too. And of course whatever you send will be kept anonymous.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
==========

Living my life openly and freely as a gay man here in New York, yet struggling to find to true love, sometimes it's easy to forget about the struggles my gay and transsexual brothers and sisters are going through all across small-town America and around the world just to be themselves. There's so much that us big city gay folks, especially us here in New York City take for granted. Receiving a letter from a small town reader puts so many things into perspective. Here's his letter:

What's happenin' Adam.

I'm kind of new to your blog but I gotta question for you. What would you do if you realized that the people in your life that you call friends and family don't really love you? I'm 19, living in a small town, Monroe, Louisiana and I've been struggling for a long time about coming out to my family and closest friend, but last night I realized that if I was to come out to them that it would change our relationship for the worst, if not end our relationship. Because you already know that being gay in the black community is not really accepted, so you can imagine how it is in a sort of small city where everyone is very religious. But even though I pray that my family would accept me for who I am and not let it be a big deal that I'm gay, I know that they wouldn't be okay with it because I was raised not to be okay with it. I think that's why I have such a hard time accepting it myself. But yeah, back to the question, how would you handle knowing in the back of your mind that these people that you love besides all their flaws, wouldn't love you if they knew the real you?

Oh yeah, and I wanna say I think you a real cool dude and keep doin' what you doin' because even though I'm not at the point in my life where I can live life comfortably I'm glad I can see people like you do it and give me courage to do it myself.
- Small Town Boy

Small Town Boy I'd like to say that I'm honored that you would entrust me with such a serious, potentially life altering question, I really do appreciate that.

Okay, first off I need to let you know that it's not necessarily that your family and friends don't love you or wouldn't love you if they found out that you were gay. It's that the gay thing is something that they don't understand. Human beings are known to fear what we don't understand and out of that fear we defend ourselves, striking back against that thing.

As with your family and close friend and most of our society at-large, their issues with homosexuality and homosexuals are a result of cultural conditioning and religious belief. Religion is a very powerful thing. To have billions of people believe in and obey something, based on fear, whether it be the words of the Bible, the Torah, the Qu'ran, etc., wholeheartedly, with no questions asked is power of unfathomable proportions. Religion has been the force behind every war on this Earth since the beginning of time. Everybody believes that they're doing their god's will, that only their religion is right, so much so that they are willing to fight and die for it. So if someone's religious texts condemn homosexuality, as all three of the aforementioned texts do, the followers of those religions will also. For you, who is someone your family and close friend presumably love and care about to come out and say you're a homosexual, in their mind you are making them choose between supporting you and supporting their god. Their god is usually gonna win.

This reminds me of when I came out to my parents, who are ministers and are super religious. My mother actually came to me about four years ago about being gay. She asked me and I told her the truth, that yes I am gay. Wanna know what the first thing she said to me was: "You know you're going to hell, right?" See, religion, in it's truest form. Adherents using fear as a way to keep themselves and each other in line. When I heard her say that I wasn't even offended because I knew that's what she was gonna say because that's how we were raised. That's religion. It's when she told me that "If you continue in this lifestyle you'll be dead before you're thirty." that really hurt. Just now, four years later I'm finally over it and only because I know that that statement was just a product of fear and of course I don't believe or receive any of it. I will not only see thirty, but I will live prosperously and abundantly long, long, long after it. But her saying that still has left put damage on our relationship that will probably never be fully repaired.

On a side note let me say to my straight readers out there: Be careful what you say if ever your child was to come out to you and say that they're gay. Granted, it may not be what you want for them, but it's their life and you can't live it for them. Although your child coming out my be devastating news to you, you cannot respond out of anger and fear. Remember, after all the shock and anger that's still your child and if you want to retain a healthy relationship with him or her after such a sensitive time you must choose your words carefully.

After I came out to my mother that day I went to work that night and jumped on Craigslist looking for apartments because I figured that my religious parents would not have a homo living in their house. Surprisingly, my mother wanted me to stay, probably in an effort to keep closer tabs on me, but stay nevertheless. I stayed until they moved down south two years ago and I moved into my own apartment here in New York. This goes to show that sometimes our family and friends won't necessarily react as harshly as we think. Sometimes we have to give them a little more credit. So from that day on my mother knew, I knew and for the next four years we lived in a stalemate. I was respectfully living my life as a gay man, being respectfully discreet around my parents and she lived in her denial, hoping that it was just a phase I was going through, until a few months ago when I officially came out to my whole family.

The main reason why I was so apt to come out to my mother when she asked me was because I was prepared. If she were to kick me out that day I had a full time job and was mentally and financially prepared to live elsewhere if need be. Being gay or being anything outside the norm calls for being fiercely independent. Unfortunately because we live in a society and among people who don't fully support us we must be able to fully support ourselves (and one day hopefully each other, but that's a whole 'nother blog post). I was 21 when I came out and you are now 19. Where do you work? Are you going to school? Are you financially and mentally prepared to live elsewhere if your family wanted nothing to do with you? It's wonderful to be out and free like a grown-up, but business must be taken care of first. If you are dependent on your parents to take care of you then you are still a child, living in their house and are bound by their rules. If you wanna live by your own rules then you gotta get your own house. If you want your parents to respect your lifestyle, you must first respect theirs.

So for now if you cannot take care of yourself I say don't come out just yet. Get a job, save your money, make preparations to get your own place, preferably out of that town and in a place like New York or if you wanted to say in the South, I'd suggest Atlanta. In a bigger city there are more opportunities for you as a young person in terms of work and education. There are also gay districts in cities such as these which will make for better social opportunities, better for you to possibly find new friends and a mate. Large cities like Atlanta and New York are filled to the brim with small town immigrants yearning to breathe free.

Coming out to my whole family later down the line was no big deal to me because I'm independent. I live on my own and don't ask anyone for anything. Being independent, even though all of my family may not agree with everything I do with my life, they have to respect me because I'm my own man. I would not get that same respect if I had my hand out asking them for money every three seconds. And as a result coming out to them was easy and they took it even better than I thought. Being on your own makes coming out so much easier for you and them and they'll respect you more for it.

I know that it's painful to live in the closet when you really want to be out, but you must understand how important timing is with all of this. Unfortunately so many of us, gays and transsexuals come out way before we are ready, thinking with our emotions and not with our heads. Many of us come out in our teenage years, parents kick us out and we are out on the streets with incomplete education and no place to go. This road usually leads to unhealthy relationship choices, prostitution or other illegal means just to stay alive. This is tragic but it doesn't have to be this way. As horrible as living in the closet is, due to the society we live in, sometimes it's necessary for a while, especially if we are dependent on someone else for our survival. Our ultimate goal should be to become independent so we can live our lives however we see fit. So devise a plan and think before you act.

As far as your close friend or any friend is concerned. We can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends. Any friend that would have an issue with you being who you are is someone you don't need in your life. But in my experience, my straight friends, even the male ones were much better about me coming out than even my family members. If someone is really your best friend, you being straight or gay shouldn't matter. If it does then that's not your friend. But as far as your individual case is concerned I would say because you live in a\that small town where everybody knows everybody it's probably best to tell no one including your friend until you get your plan together.

Now is the time for you to work on you, get your mind right, get your money right, get your education right so you can be the person you want to be and stand on your own two feet. I know being young and not living in the most ideal situation is hard, but you can't rush things. Coming out is big business, basically you are declaring that you are living a different life than the one you we're taught to live. Maybe your parents can deal with that and maybe they can't, but you need to be prepared either way. In a perfect world, gay wouldn't be such a big deal, but unfortunately it is. You wanna be grown, you wanna be free, you wanna live by your own rules? You gotta pay the cost to be the boss. Start devising your plan.

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Work That"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
and
"I'm Coming Out"
by Diana Ross
from the album "Diana"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========

Today's letter is from a heterosexual female reader who has fallen in love with her bisexual (but mostly gay) best friend. She's a virgin and is having a hard time telling him that even if they were to have sex he'd have to be tested first. In the words of Samantha Jones of "Sex And The City", "Oh honey..." where do I start with this one. Here's her letter:

Hello Adam,
I am pretty sure that I have fallen in love with my best friend. However, he is bisexual. I don't have a problem with him being bisexual, except he is sexually active with mostly men. Recently he asked me to be his girlfriend, but I'm on the fence because my family and our other friends (mainly heterosexual females who would NOT get with a guy who's bisexual) say I should NOT date him because he's my best friend, but MAINLY because he is "GAY" (he says he likes guys more but I'm an "exception" to the rule). So I wanted another point of view.

Do you think its not a good idea for me (a heterosexual female) to get with a bisexual man who is also my best friend?

Secondly, because I am a virgin, if I were to come close to having sex with him (because sexually active people are more likely to have an STD) how do I tell him that I want him to get tested?

I've tried hinting things by saying things like: "I'm taking ALL my boyfriends to the clinic if we were to come close to having sex..." and stuff like that, but I think that saying it directly would hurt his feelings.

Thank you for your time,
- Stressed Out Friend

Stressed Out Friend, how old are you? You sound like a young woman who is a situation she need not be in. You're way too young for the stress. So I'm gonna keep my answer real short and straight to the point.

First of all, yes you do have a problem with him being bisexual. Your words were and I quote "I don't have a problem with him being bisexual, except he is sexually active with mostly men." And there's nothing wrong with you having a problem with him being bisexual. I have a problem with my boyfriends being homosexual with anyone else before they met me, you wanna know why, because I'm human and I'm jealous and whatever I have I want it for myself as do you and that's okay. I personally wouldn't even think about dealing with a guy who deals with women. Bad enough you have to worry about other women around your man (and we all worry to an extent, if we don't worry we don't care), you gotta watch for men too. What the fuck?

You're young and are still learning about life yourself, you're still a virgin. I think the whole bisexuality thing may be too much for you to deal with right now. And as far as you being an "exception"... Shit, how do I say this without getting in a load of trouble... Fuck it. I'm not a big believer in bisexuality, never have been, with me you're basically one or the other, straight or gay. For me to believe that someone is bisexual, two things would have to be evident. One, their sexuality would have to be at a perfect equilibrium and two, everyone, every woman and every man they've ever involved themselves with would have to know about them, everything, every time, both of which are damn near impossible. You're always gonna like one sex over the other and every one you deal with isn't gonna understand or be supportive of your bisexuality enough for you to tell them. Besides, you can't spend your life with two people, eventually you gotta pick one. For someone who has said that they like guys more than girls to tell you that you are the "exception" is bullshit and something you should give no further thought to.

Unfortunately I can't write this guy off as just another triflin' ass , can't-make-a-decision-ass, quote-unquote "bisexual" that you should just stay away from because this "bisexual" just happens to be your best friend, which is even more of a reason not to deal with him. Continue to be his friend, but don't confuse love and support of him for romantic love. Dealing with him romantically is a disaster waiting to happen and you know it, hence your numerous reservations. That's why you wrote me this letter.

Now I must scold you for a moment. I know you did not sit up here and say that you are having difficulty asking him to take an HIV/STD test. Heifer, have you lost your damn mind!?! This is your life here and there is no room for being nice when it comes down to preserving it. No need for hints and pleasantries here. His feelings won't matter when you're sitting up somewhere with a disease. Y'all are supposed to be best friends. Y'all should be comfortable enough with each other by now that this shouldn't be a big deal. He's probably getting tested regularly anyway, at least I hope so. If he really loved and cared about you, he'd understand. Ask him, more than likely he will. This goes for everybody gay and straight. Never be afraid to ask someone to get tested before you have sex. You need to come straight out to him and say 'If you wanna hit this, you gotta get tested!' Period.

You're special and you're a virgin, you need to save your virginity for someone who you know deep down in your heart is the one, and you know that homeboy is not the one. You know, I admire my sister so much for being a virgin until she got married. It doesn't happen much anymore, but it's still possible. I'm not saying that you have to wait that long but you shouldn't feel uncomfortable if you did.

There are way too many reasons why you should not involve yourself with this boy and most importantly you don't sound too convinced about it yourself. I say listen to your instincts and your homegirls, who happen to be his friends too and more than likely have both of your best interests at heart and don't do it. Don't ruin a friendship for a relationship that you know isn't gonna work. Both of y'all are too young for the drama and you are much more than an "exception" or an experiment. Tell homeboy to find another pussy to play in.

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Love And My Best Friend"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Janet Jackson"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========

Hey y'all,

Sometimes we're so busy being gay and fabulous that sometimes we fail to think of how it affects our families, or does that even matter? Today's letter is from someone who has become the unofficial referee between their gay cousin and the rest of their family. Let's read.

Dear Adam,

I just found out that my cousin is gay. I don't want him to be ostracized from the family here in Atlanta. I don't care that he's gay (cause he is still a person) but hanging out with him is weird (I don't mean that in a condescending way). I don't want to stop hanging out with him, cause he is still a cool person. But I'm getting a little friction from my parents. I don't want him to think that because he's gay that I don't want to hang out with him. I'd hate for him to think that I am that petty. So I was wondering what should I do in this situation? Sorry if this email seems a little scattered. I'd really love to know what you think.

- StrAighTL

StrAighTL, this is gonna be a hard question to answer, not due to the nature of it, but due to the fact that you have left out so many details, so I'm gonna have to make some assumptions here. Because you said that hanging out with your gay male cousin is "weird" I'm gonna assume that you are male, as a female wouldn't traditionally be as freaked out by such a thing, I'm gonna also assume that you both are relatively young because of your inclusion of your parents disapproval as a factor. With that said let's dig into this.

I wanted to start by thanking you for pointing out that gay people are still people. We, the millions of gays all around the world appreciate that sentiment from the very bottom of our lavender bejeweled hearts. (LOL You asked for that.) All sarcasm aside, the best thing you can do for your cousin is to of course continue love and support him. Especially since I'm assuming you guys are still relatively young and he's probably just now really coming out. For example, one of my male cousins down south (who's as straight as straight can get) just recently found out that I was gay, actually via my blog and he hit me up to let me know that he supports me no matter what. That meant a lot even to someone like me who's an old pro at this whole gay thing so I know your support means that much more to your cousin.

As far as the weirdness thing is concerned, yes as a straight male hanging out with a gay male and vice versa there is a possibility that things can get weird sometimes, but that's all within you guys' control. Fortunately for you both your association with each other isn't something that you were both just thrown into yesterday, you're family and your bond is much deeper than sexuality. As far as conversation goes you'd treat conversation with him like anyone else who was attracted to the opposite sex you are (you liking girls and him liking boys). Would you talk to your sister or straight female cousin about the guy she fucked last night or the girl you wanna fuck tonight? No, because it'd be weird. That sexual stuff is the type of thing you'd talk to your guy friends about and that he'd talk to his gay friends about. There's much more to life than sex and if that particular subject is something you guys don't really touch on, then so what? You guys don't have that in common but you have so many other things in common, like liking Grandma's sweet potato pies and banana puddings and the drunk-ass aunt and her thieving-ass son y'all both can't stand, you know, stuff like that. The dynamic of you guys' relationship is alll up to you two. All you must always do is to always be honest with each other. Remember you are always gonna be his cousin, so you don't necessarily need to be his best friend. Trust me, in Atlanta there's more than enough gay people for him to be best buddies with.

As far as your parents are concerned, like most parents their primary vested concern is for you, their kid, even over that of their nephew. And like a good amount of older straight people they seem pretty ignorant of the whole gay thing and just don't want it to "happen" to their kid by any means necessary. If that means keeping you away from your cousin in hopes that the gay germ doesn't get into you, as absolutely ridiculous as it sounds and is, the end justifies the means for them. Your job now would be to remind that you are who you are, and that that has nothing to do with what your cousin does in his bedroom and that they should unconditionally love and support your cousin just as you have. And if you feel like it, take the extra step of reassuring them (especially your father) that being around your cousin isn't gonna diminish your love for the coochie. He's their nephew, they'll come around, at least part of the way, eventually.

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Family"
by Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Hudson, Beyoncé Knowles, Keith Robinson, and Anika Noni Rose
from the "Dreamgirls (Motion Picture Soundtrack)"
==========

PS: I love it that straight men read my blog. I never really expected it and I'm still not sure why but it's cool nevertheless. If you are a straight man who reads this blog I'd appreciate it if you send me and email telling me how you discovered my blog, why you continue to read it and what you get from it.

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 12:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========

Hey y'all,

Today's letter addresses an age old problem which I'm sure we've all been on both sides of, neither side is a piece of cake so let's get right to it.

Dear Adam,

Well, I have a problem. I started talking to this dude a while ago. It's been about two months now. We were just friends first and then he wanted to start "talking". Well we did that and we went on one date if you want to call it a date. We just went to the movies. Well we used to talk all the time and now he just wants to text and he says he doesn't like to talk on the phone now. I feel like I am holding on to something that I should not be. I like him a lot but I am starting to think we need to just be friends or not talk at all. I need help. How should I handle this? Should I just let it go?

- Confused, But Not Really

Awww damn. I know exactly what this is. Your overall question is "Should you just let it go?" In a word, yes. In two words, hell yes. I'm gonna tell you why. It seems as though this dude you're talking to has gotten in a little over his head with you. People often fail to realize that the jump from the placid waters of 'lake friendship' into the fast moving 'relationship rapids' is a big one. The reason why we, especially as gay men can have friendships that last forever, but on the other hand change boyfriends like we change underwear is that our romantic relationships are usually very volatile as we put a lot of ourselves into them, usually very quickly. Ever notice how it took you a year to realize that you love your best friend and a month to tell your ex that you loved him? If our friend does something to offend us it's much easier to be mad for a while, cuss them out, tell them about themselves, laugh it off and move on than it is with a boyfriend because for some reason we can accept that our friends are human and therefore imperfect and can make mistakes from time to time, but we place lofty, unrealistic standards on our potential romantic partners that they MUST live by and if for some reason they falter our feelings are hurt and we're over them (underwear change). For some reason we expect every new boyfriend to bear the burdens and correct all of our damage from our past relationships. Ever notice how we'll have an unattractive friend and love the hell out of them, but we'd rather be alone before we date an unattractive guy? (That's so me.) Ever notice how we are all looking for the "perfect guy" but you never really hear anyone say that they're looking for the "perfect friend". We trim, prune and cultivate our friendships yet we expect our relationships to come ready to wear, pressed and perfectly tailored.

I digressed a little, but I've said all that to say this. From your letter it seems as though that movie date was the turning point. One of these or a combination of these two things has most likely happened and having to say this is where it gets hard for me as the person you came to for advice, but here we go. Either something you did on that date turned him off, something that was acceptable from a friend but unacceptable from a partner ('cuz remember the standards changed) or there's someone else who's come around (or has been around all along that has just now become available) that he's more interested in and seems to fit his standards better.

It seems as though he still wants to keep you as a friend though and is just too pussy to tell you that he's fucked up by trying to take things to the next level without being sure of what he really wanted to do in the first place, hoping that as a result of his gradual pushing you away (this he only just wants to just text now all of a sudden bullshit) that you become disinterested and stop pursuing the relationship and hopefully find someone else. A few weeks of not really talking while he's doing his thing with the new person (or even alone) and you getting over it or finding a new person that you get so wrapped up in that you forget all about how he strung you along and played with your emotions, would make things so that you then can both eventually laugh the whole thing off and be ki ki sisters again... I don't think so, life don't work like that buddy. Your friend (and I'm using the term loosely) is a non-confrontational pussy that's trying to have his cake and eat it too, or rather has taken a bite out of some cake, that didn't really taste like he thought it would and is trying to get a new piece of cake without spending any money, cheap bastard!

I would say for you not to let him get away with this, but I'm not gonna send you out on the attack after him like some desperate bitch, we won't have that. Unfortunately, or maybe not so unfortunately you may have to count this one as a loss. He fucked your friendship up and he's gonna have to fix it. Either way, you're gonna have to move on with your life. Stop calling him, if he calls or texts you, answer, but don't keep initiating obviously bothersome contact. Let him go. Deep down inside you know it's the best thing to do, that's the real reason why you wrote me this letter. There's no point in badgering him and making yourself look stupid and desperate. You already see what it is and where he's at so you gotta do what's best for you now. Go somewhere and heal, it shouldn't take too long, 'cuz y'all haven't been talking that long and just when he thinks it's safe to come around again, 'cuz more than likely he will. Confront him and ask him why he played you the way he did. He's gonna gag at the fact that you haven't forgotten. Don't count on this vindication though, there is a possibility that he may never speak to you again after you stop initiating contact. Either way you haven't lost anything, but yet another scatterbrained homosexual and don't we have enough of those floating around anyway?

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

PS: And for the love of Marc Jacobs please tell me that you didn't have sex with him... If so add another week to the recovery process.

PPS: The prospect of a relationship is NEVER usually worth losing a friend, no matter how sexy your friend is. I've learned this the hard way too many times. Just because you're cool with someone and are attracted to them that does mean that you have to be together. FRIENDSHIP IS OKAY!

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Be Mine!"
by Robyn
from the album "Robyn"
==========

Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 02:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

==========
One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
==========

I love it when you guys send me your questions to answer. Today's question comes from a female reader, yes women read this blog, a whole lot of them, hey ladies. Our lady reader today has a question about a subject I've tackled in a blog post before, the "church boy". Before you go on reading it's probably best that you check out the blog post.

For some reason there seems to be a correlation between some (not all) men in the church, in ministry, in choirs, in the gospel music industry, and homosexuality. A lot of these men leading double lives, dating and sometimes even marrying women who are totally or sometimes somewhat ignorant to their partner's other side. Here's her question:

Hi Adam!

I just want to tell you that I have become a regular to your blog within the past week and I LOVE it sooo much. You are a very intelligent person and I admire the fact that you don't hide any part of your life to anyone. (besides, the personal stories are the best :) ) I am indeed repping the female readers (whoop whoop) and I thought there would be no better person to answer the questions that I have but you, so here we go.

I have a friend who I've known for a while and as we started to talk on the phone and hang out more, we started developing feelings for each other. We decided to start "talking" and I thought things were going great until he decided that we should be honest with each other and get all the secrets out. Well...you guessed it...he's gay. Or at least "used to be" or "trying to change" and he's also the kind of church boy that you speak about, he sings in a choir.

So I have a couple questions:

1. What the hell do I do? I do like him and I can't change that but is it worth the risk of him getting back with a guy or something? He's says he's serious about changing but I don't know how much I believe him.

2. Is there a such thing as a reformed homosexual?

3. Is there a sign in the fact that he still hangs with his gay friends? He says that he only does so because they are truly his best friends but he just doesn't partake in certain activities with them.

Please help me Adam!
-What The Hell Do I Do

The first thing to know WTHDID is that it's not about what the hell you do, it's not up to you. It's all about what he's gonna do. I'm not a religious person and I don't presently go to church, but I do believe in God and Jesus and all that and I was raised in the church, I have a pretty decent knowledge of the Bible (I'm no theologian) and both my parents are ministers, so this is definitely a situation I have encountered before. There's a lot that I can say from my own experience but I've already been labeled by some readers of this blog as jaded and one-sided toward this subject. I'm gonna kinda take a backseat on this one as offering help to you is more important to me than me having another chance to assert my personal feelings on the whole subject. But I will say this, although I believe that God can do anything for one who believes, has faith and galvanizes that faith with their actions, I'm also a believer in gay is gay and straight is straight. And the fact that your friend is still hanging out with his gay friends doesn't sit well with me. So I have decided to let someone who is the ultimate authority on every subject answer your question WTHDID, God.

Although I'm not a believer in what my mother would call "eating the whole roll", that every word of the bible is the straight-up infallible word of God, this is the basis of what most Christians and other kinds of church folks believe so we're gonna do something a little different today and not focus on so much of what I say, but since he's a Christian, a believer in God and the Bible, let's see what the Bible says on the subject.

The bible says that:

"Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."
Leviticus 18:22 KJV

"And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet."
"Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them."
Romans 1:27 & 32 KJV

"Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God."
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 KJV

Just in case you didn't know. The Bible doesn't look kindly upon homosexuality. It sees it as a sin, actually more than a sin, an abomination, worthy of death. Hence these verses from the Old and the New Testaments. Now that we know that, we can really get into this.

"For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also."
James 2:26 KJV

Okay, well, he's saying a lot but what is he doing? He believes and has faith that he's reformed or is reforming, delivered as they say, but what is he doing to work toward that? It must not be much because you're obviously not fully convinced, hence your letter to me today. Actually if you want to take it a step further, he's not truly convinced either according to you because you said that he told you that he's only "trying to change".

"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?"
"Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you"
2 Corinthians 6:14 & 17 KJV

WTHDID, you said that "he only does so [still hanging out with his gay friends] because they are truly his best friends but he just doesn't partake in certain activities with them" According to the bible, that's not even okay. For him to be a person who has renounced or is currently renouncing homosexuality as something wrong, unclean and unacceptable to God and touts that he is a changed man. Homosexuality is not even something he should even be comfortable being around anymore, not to mention having homosexuals as best friends. According to 2 Corinthians 6:14 & 17, his close association with them alone is a sin. And what the hell does he mean by "certain activities"? Hmmm, interesting.

Jesus said:
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
Matthew 5:29-30 KJV

Jesus took it to the next level in this sermon basically saying that if there is something or someone in your life that could potentially cause you to sin and send you to hell that you need to do whatever it takes to rid that thing from your life. As we've read here Jesus compares the situation to someone plucking their eye out. So if he's really serious, eye plucking serious about changing he should not be around those people and you should not have any doubts about him changing.

Adam says:
Basically WTHDID you've answered your own question. You obviously don't feel secure with this relationship and my advice is that you cut it off while you two still are friends because if he becomes your man and y'all end up having sex (I'm assuming you haven't, please say you haven't) and you catch him in bed with some dude, all this nicey-nice shit is gonna go flying out the window and you're gonna be ready to kill his ass and rightly so.

As a friend I think that you should show him this blog post and these verses of scripture that he's supposed to believe in. Make yourself a non-judgmental person that he can be open, honest and real with about what he really wants to do, not what society, or his parents, or his church, or even what you expect him to do. This whole issue is all about him and his identity and again you should remove yourself from it and let him make the real decision for himself. You also need to let him know that if he really wants to be with you that he's gotta let the friends and the whole gay world go. He's gotta show you that he's serious, as I've said too many times before, it's all about the effort. Because as much as we as gays and straights interact and sometimes even tolerate each other, sharing this planet we call Earth, we'd all be naive and ignorant not to acknowledge that this is a gay and a straight, skewed yet parallel universe we live in and that there's certain lines that gay and straight people of the same sex just don't cross with each other, especially if one of those persons used to be the other thing. I know that it may sound unreasonable but you've got to protect your heart and your life as well. HIV/AIDS infection from DL or secretly bisexual men is one of the biggest killers of young women today. That's not to say that gay men are more likely to carry HIV/AIDS than straight men, but any man who is having secret sex and sex that he's ashamed of is more likely not to protect himself and you.

As far as the question of reformed homosexuals is concerned. Unlike most gays I know I believe that God can change someone from being a homo if they really want it and are really taking the steps to change. My question though is why would someone want to change? Being a homo is great. It's not the easiest thing in the world, but I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China. But its also not for everyone, that's why some are born homo and some are born straight. It takes a real man to be a sissy. According to your letter it sounds to me like your friend hasn't been delivered at all and you need to return his ass to sender!

Keep me posted.

-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Playing In The Background...
"Son Of A Preacher Man"
by Dusty Springfield
from the album "The Very Best Of Dusty Springfield"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 06:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
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A lot of times we can find lovers and boyfriends and girlfriends who are so right in every area, but sometimes there's that one little freaky-deaky little thing that we want that our partners can't, seemingly can't, or won't do for us. The question is is it enough to leave our otherwise wonderful partner for? Should we just secretly fulfill our need somewhere else in an effort to keep the peace? Or maybe we should deny ourselves, grin and bear it and figure out how to do without it? That's the question one of my lovely readers is asking today. Here's his letter:

Dear Adam,
Thumbs up to your blog. Gotta a question for ya, the scenario is this: I am involved with a wonderful guy who satisfies me to the tenth power, he's a bottom with great walls, but sometimes I get this urge to have nutt (semen) shot on my face, which he is not into. This urge can last for days and I just supress it, until it goes away. I have a nutt fetish, it's been like that since my teens and I already know he is not as "freaky" as I am because I gave him a past scenario of that happening to me and his response was "ewwwww". So I knew right away that he ain't down with that. I respect and care about him, but in that one "particular" department it ain't happenin'. I know "dudes" who would do that for me with no strings attached, hell some even have lovers. If I did that does that necessarily mean I don't care about him or don't want to be with him?
-Nutt All Over My Face

The first problem I see with you guys' situation is expressed in this part of your letter

"I already know he is not as "freaky" as I am because I gave him a past scenario of that happening to me and his response was "ewwwww". So I knew right away that he ain't down with that..."

What do you mean, "you already know"? What do you mean "you knew"? Those statements were inferences, you never came straight out and told him how you felt or asked him to participate in this particular sexual act with you. You've gotta give him a chance before you just write him off and go looking to be satisfied elsewhere. I totally understand why his "ewwww" response may have discouraged you, but you must understand that for him and traditionally for a lot of bottoms (I know I'm generalizing here), ejaculating on their partner's face is not necessarily the norm. It's usually seen through porn movies and the stories of our friends as more of a quote-unquote "top behavior" (I know I'm generalizing again). And as human beings we tend to shun that which we don't understand, hence "ewwww". You telling him that story the way you did shows your facial fetish only as a random event of your past instead of something that is deeply woven in your sexual tapestry or repertoire, if you will. Once he sees that this is something that is important to you he may be much more inclined to warm up to it. I'm sure he'd rather be the one jizzing your face than some random stranger.

On the other hand, I must say this though since you mentioned that your partner is a bottom. I'm assuming that your partner is a strict bottom given the context of your letter. As a strict top who deals with mostly strict bottoms I have to say that your facial fetish can be putting yourself on thin ice with your partner. Strict bottoms like strict tops. All the strict bottoms I know do not like dealing with guys that they feel may have versatile tendencies. The idea of the guy that they are letting fuck them, getting fucked or doing anything sexually that's even slightly considered quote-unquote "bottomish" to them is usually grounds for immediate termination. I'm not trying to question your sexual role or anything but most strict tops I know, myself included do not like the idea of some dude nutting in their face (the idea personally grosses me the fuck out). While openness and honesty is excellent and I don't think you should keep this from him, you need to also be cognizant of the fact that this revelation could be the end of things and be okay with that before you tell him. I also noticed the quotation you put the word "dudes" in your letter? Does the emphasis on this word imply that you don't think your man is quote-unquote "man enough" for you? You also asked the question of not necessarily wanting to be with him, asking me whether your having your urge satisfied with other "dudes" means that you don't want to be with him. Does it? You tell me. Are you creating an excuse to leave him? Think about it.

On the third hand (lol) sneaking behind his back is just wrong and as sure as you do it your ass will eventually get caught. Your facial fetish is something that's been with you for years and you continuing to do it on the low sure ain't gon' help it go nowhere, it'll actually only make your craving for it stronger, making your lies and duplicity even stronger and you can't cheat forever, so it's just not a good idea. And at the end of the day you're dealing with cum and the possibility of disease and shit so let's not forget that.

My advice to you would be to evaluate how much you really need for some cum to be on your face. If it's something you can't live without then you need to go to your partner and tell him. Maybe if you break it down for him earnestly he'll be cool with it, you say he loves you, right? Him squirtin' some man juice on your mug every once in a while won't take too much of his "Beyonce, Naomi Campbell walk" time will it? I personally don't think it's too much to ask. If he's not cool with it and is indeed as disgusted with the idea as you think he is, he just may dump you, but that's the risk you'll have to take. Or you can continue to deny it, and hope that it possibly goes away. Or you can buy yourself a water gun, fill it with warm Buckley's cough syrup, or coconut milk and aim away from the eyes, just a suggestion.

Good luck.

-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Playing in The Background...
"Rolling Down My Face"
by Amerie
from the album "Touch"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 09:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

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One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." Send it to me via the "send me an email" link on the left column. And of course whatever you send is anonymous you don't even have to give your name.
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I received an email from someone yesterday asking me for advice about visiting a bathhouse for the first time. Unfortunately I can't offer any of my brand of wisdom-packed, witty, first hand experience on the subject because I've never been to a bathhouse or even to it's younger, more urban equivalent, the sex party. Yes, there are a few things that even I haven't done, but that doesn't mean that I won't do my best to help this curious reader. Let's read his letter:

Dear Adam,
I have always wanted to but have never gone to a bathhouse. With your sexual experience and knowledge I was wondering if you could give me advice and tips, tell me what to expect and avoid and whether it's a good idea. Do you also have any bathhouse tales of your own to share on the blog?
- Bathhouse Virgin.

Well, like I said I've never been to a quote-unquote "bathhouse", that's mainly because I'm under 35. I've never heard anybody who wasn't pushing or has already knocked down and trampled over 40 use that term, the kids go to sex parties now (no offense to anyone over 40). And even though I don't have first hand experience with sex parties either, I've have been invited to my fair share though, that doesn't mean that I don't have slutty-ass, I mean, more sexually open, friends who have shared their tales with me. And if any of you, my other lovely readers have further advice to offer BHV please leave a comment. You can comment anonymously here, your email address will not be published.

This is my understanding, according to what I've been told, of how a sex party works. Sex parties are usually held in people's homes. The throwers of the parties are usually somewhat selective about the people they let in, selective in terms of body type, looking more favorably upon those who are quote-unquote "in shape". Usually the organizers scour websites such as BGC, A4A, & M4N to send invite messages only to those they see as visually appealing. There is usually a nominal fee charged for admission once you are deemed acceptable to be let in, like five, ten, maybe fifteen, twenty bucks tops. That little component of the evening is what makes the sex party illegal. It's not against the law to gather strangers in one's home solely for the purpose of sex, but it is illegal to charge them for it, no matter how nominal the fee. The illegality of the situation falls on the organizers of the sex party rather than the attendees though. So even though you as a sex party attendee are technically not breaking the law you're not totally out of the woods yet. We'll get back to that a little later.

Once you've paid the next thing you must do is get naked. At sex parties no one is allowed to be fully clothed. The most clothes allowed are usually shoes and underwear. You check your clothes and other belongings at the door. They are usually placed in plastic bags for you to pick up later. I wouldn't recommend that you bring anything of high importance with you. You should leave your wallet and credit cards at home. The most that should be with you at a sex party is a necessary bit of cash, and an identification card. Lube and condoms are always provided, their use is strongly encouraged and the better sex parties even provide drinks and snacks.

Now that you're all horny and naked it's time to let yourself loose on the crowd. Sex parties are usually pretty dim so don't expect to find Mr. Gorgeous there. If you've been to a club you should know pretty well how feelings can change for someone once the lights come up. At a sex party, the lights never come up. Hey, it all feels the same in the dark anyway so I guess you should just enjoy it for what it is. I wouldn't expect to find Mr. Right there either as personality is not paramount there.

My major questions to my sex party attending friends involved sexual etiquette. I'll break these down:

How is sexual contact initiated?
Just like with anything else the eyes have it. You scan the room, lock eyes with someone and usually it goes from there.

Are people there overly aggressive? Should one fear being manhandled or raped?
Everyone I've asked has told me no and that it's pretty much a laid back environment. I guess it would be, it's a damn sex party. If one dude says no you're pretty much bound to find one to say yes, right? I talked with a guy, a white guy I used to work with, who ran a sex party out of his house and he told me that during the course of his parties usually a group of the patrons break out singing Broadway show toons.

How do you know who tops and who bottoms?
I've been told that it's usually pretty apparent, at least without actually speaking, by the type of underwear the guy is wearing. Bottoms usually wear more form fitting underwear like boxer briefs, tighty whities, and those lycra, stretchy, H&M, 2Xist things while tops usually wear boxers. I've also been told that a top will usually pat the ass of the guy he's interested in while a bottom will usually tug at the dick of the guy he's interested in. Of course there are exceptions to these rules, but in any event, don't go to a sex party and not expect to be touched.

Just because you're there do you have to do something?
The overwhelming response to that question has been no. Even though you will probably be asked to engage in some sort of sexual activity, as far as I've been told there's no real pressure to do so. Many people frequent sex parties just to feed their voyeuristic desires. So if you wanted to just go to watch others have sex and jerk yourself off that's perfectly okay.

Now back to the illegality thing. What's the worst that can happen? Can you get arrested? This reminds me of a funny story. One night a while back I was in my bed, feigning sleep, and I overheard two of my more heftier friends plotting to get into a sex party. Because sex parties can be so discriminatory when it comes to weight and shape their plan was to hold their stomachs in when they arrived to the door. It took everything in me not to bust out laughing at such a ridiculous idea. I mean, is it really that serious? Another friend told me that when guys are turned away at the door, deemed unacceptable for entrance into the sex party, some of them don't take this very lightly. Sometimes they will, out of revenge, call the police. That usually leads to the sex party being raided. It doesn't happen very often, hardly ever really, like one in a million, but it still remains a very real possibility.

One of my friends did tell me a story about a raid and it went something like this. It started like I said, from someone who wasn't allowed entry into the party getting mad and calling the police. The police arrived and entered the party loudly, guns ablaze, like the police do. They questioned the organizers of the party while making everyone else get up against the wall and "spread 'em". From what I remember of the story the party goers were a little embarrassed but none arrested. I guess the question at hand is whether he thrill of anonymous sex is worth the risk of getting caught with a dick in your mouth?

As far as my opinion is concerned, I have to admit that I am curious about the goings on of sex parties and that I would like to be a fly on the wall, but I don't see myself ever going to one. Even the slight risk of a police raid is enough to deter me. And with all these diseases out here, and with me doing this whole blog thing and people recognizing me, the anonymous fun of it all would be lost for me, even if I were to just spectate. So at this point, there's just no point. It's something I probably should have done a few years ago. But even with all that BV I don't disencourage you to go, why not? Have a good time, you only live once. Just be safe.

-Adam

PS: Now if we gon' have a sex party I'd have a perfectly legal, free, on the low, invite only, party of attractive friends of friends so we'd know what we all look like. But I'm just sayin' though, it's not like I'ma do it or nothin'. **flips through cell phone contacts**

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Playing In The Background...
"Sexhibition"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Damita Jo"
and
"Freakshow"
by Britney Spears
from the album "Blackout"
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Posted by Adam Benjamin Irby at 11:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)