Adam's Web Log - The Official Blog Of Adam Benjamin Irby

Last Night At The Paper Magazine, Patricia Fields Party...

2008-10-07T06:08:52Z

==========
Pictures:
- Model and iconic New York socialite Amanda Lepore & Me. It took everything inside of me not to wiggle my face in her breasts.
- Model/icon/my homegirl Isis Tsunami, Me (lookin' like I just ate a whole bucket of chicken LOL) and Laverne Cox of "I Want To Work For Diddy".
==========

Isis and I attended the Paper Magazine, Patricia Fields party on the Upper East Side last night. It was a trendy shindig, fashion forward, more like fast forward, attended by models, designers and the people who they plus-oned, along with a plethora of New York's most infamous socialite eccentrics. We stopped by for a while, did our twirl, had some drinks, mingled a little, did a little networking and then left to find some real food.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Ain't No Mountain High Enough"
by Diana Ross
from the album "Diana Ross"
==========

Coming Out Is A Big Thing In A Small Town... And In A Big Town Too...

2008-10-07T05:01:00Z

==========
With this post I'm launching a new category, "Ask Adam..." where you can send me all of your life, love and relationship questions. I'll try my best to answer them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too. And of course whatever you send will be kept anonymous.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
==========

Living my life openly and freely as a gay man here in New York, yet struggling to find to true love, sometimes it's easy to forget about the struggles my gay and transsexual brothers and sisters are going through all across small-town America and around the world just to be themselves. There's so much that us big city gay folks, especially us here in New York City take for granted. Receiving a letter from a small town reader puts so many things into perspective. Here's his letter:

What's happenin' Adam.

I'm kind of new to your blog but I gotta question for you. What would you do if you realized that the people in your life that you call friends and family don't really love you? I'm 19, living in a small town, Monroe, Louisiana and I've been struggling for a long time about coming out to my family and closest friend, but last night I realized that if I was to come out to them that it would change our relationship for the worst, if not end our relationship. Because you already know that being gay in the black community is not really accepted, so you can imagine how it is in a sort of small city where everyone is very religious. But even though I pray that my family would accept me for who I am and not let it be a big deal that I'm gay, I know that they wouldn't be okay with it because I was raised not to be okay with it. I think that's why I have such a hard time accepting it myself. But yeah, back to the question, how would you handle knowing in the back of your mind that these people that you love besides all their flaws, wouldn't love you if they knew the real you?

Oh yeah, and I wanna say I think you a real cool dude and keep doin' what you doin' because even though I'm not at the point in my life where I can live life comfortably I'm glad I can see people like you do it and give me courage to do it myself.
- Small Town Boy

Small Town Boy I'd like to say that I'm honored that you would entrust me with such a serious, potentially life altering question, I really do appreciate that.

Okay, first off I need to let you know that it's not necessarily that your family and friends don't love you or wouldn't love you if they found out that you were gay. It's that the gay thing is something that they don't understand. Human beings are known to fear what we don't understand and out of that fear we defend ourselves, striking back against that thing.

As with your family and close friend and most of our society at-large, their issues with homosexuality and homosexuals are a result of cultural conditioning and religious belief. Religion is a very powerful thing. To have billions of people believe in and obey something, based on fear, whether it be the words of the Bible, the Torah, the Qu'ran, etc., wholeheartedly, with no questions asked is power of unfathomable proportions. Religion has been the force behind every war on this Earth since the beginning of time. Everybody believes that they're doing their god's will, that only their religion is right, so much so that they are willing to fight and die for it. So if someone's religious texts condemn homosexuality, as all three of the aforementioned texts do, the followers of those religions will also. For you, who is someone your family and close friend presumably love and care about to come out and say you're a homosexual, in their mind you are making them choose between supporting you and supporting their god. Their god is usually gonna win.

This reminds me of when I came out to my parents, who are ministers and are super religious. My mother actually came to me about four years ago about being gay. She asked me and I told her the truth, that yes I am gay. Wanna know what the first thing she said to me was: "You know you're going to hell, right?" See, religion, in it's truest form. Adherents using fear as a way to keep themselves and each other in line. When I heard her say that I wasn't even offended because I knew that's what she was gonna say because that's how we were raised. That's religion. It's when she told me that "If you continue in this lifestyle you'll be dead before you're thirty." that really hurt. Just now, four years later I'm finally over it and only because I know that that statement was just a product of fear and of course I don't believe or receive any of it. I will not only see thirty, but I will live prosperously and abundantly long, long, long after it. But her saying that still has left put damage on our relationship that will probably never be fully repaired.

On a side note let me say to my straight readers out there: Be careful what you say if ever your child was to come out to you and say that they're gay. Granted, it may not be what you want for them, but it's their life and you can't live it for them. Although your child coming out my be devastating news to you, you cannot respond out of anger and fear. Remember, after all the shock and anger that's still your child and if you want to retain a healthy relationship with him or her after such a sensitive time you must choose your words carefully.

After I came out to my mother that day I went to work that night and jumped on Craigslist looking for apartments because I figured that my religious parents would not have a homo living in their house. Surprisingly, my mother wanted me to stay, probably in an effort to keep closer tabs on me, but stay nevertheless. I stayed until they moved down south two years ago and I moved into my own apartment here in New York. This goes to show that sometimes our family and friends won't necessarily react as harshly as we think. Sometimes we have to give them a little more credit. So from that day on my mother knew, I knew and for the next four years we lived in a stalemate. I was respectfully living my life as a gay man, being respectfully discreet around my parents and she lived in her denial, hoping that it was just a phase I was going through, until a few months ago when I officially came out to my whole family.

The main reason why I was so apt to come out to my mother when she asked me was because I was prepared. If she were to kick me out that day I had a full time job and was mentally and financially prepared to live elsewhere if need be. Being gay or being anything outside the norm calls for being fiercely independent. Unfortunately because we live in a society and among people who don't fully support us we must be able to fully support ourselves (and one day hopefully each other, but that's a whole 'nother blog post). I was 21 when I came out and you are now 19. Where do you work? Are you going to school? Are you financially and mentally prepared to live elsewhere if your family wanted nothing to do with you? It's wonderful to be out and free like a grown-up, but business must be taken care of first. If you are dependent on your parents to take care of you then you are still a child, living in their house and are bound by their rules. If you wanna live by your own rules then you gotta get your own house. If you want your parents to respect your lifestyle, you must first respect theirs.

So for now if you cannot take care of yourself I say don't come out just yet. Get a job, save your money, make preparations to get your own place, preferably out of that town and in a place like New York or if you wanted to say in the South, I'd suggest Atlanta. In a bigger city there are more opportunities for you as a young person in terms of work and education. There are also gay districts in cities such as these which will make for better social opportunities, better for you to possibly find new friends and a mate. Large cities like Atlanta and New York are filled to the brim with small town immigrants yearning to breathe free.

Coming out to my whole family later down the line was no big deal to me because I'm independent. I live on my own and don't ask anyone for anything. Being independent, even though all of my family may not agree with everything I do with my life, they have to respect me because I'm my own man. I would not get that same respect if I had my hand out asking them for money every three seconds. And as a result coming out to them was easy and they took it even better than I thought. Being on your own makes coming out so much easier for you and them and they'll respect you more for it.

I know that it's painful to live in the closet when you really want to be out, but you must understand how important timing is with all of this. Unfortunately so many of us, gays and transsexuals come out way before we are ready, thinking with our emotions and not with our heads. Many of us come out in our teenage years, parents kick us out and we are out on the streets with incomplete education and no place to go. This road usually leads to unhealthy relationship choices, prostitution or other illegal means just to stay alive. This is tragic but it doesn't have to be this way. As horrible as living in the closet is, due to the society we live in, sometimes it's necessary for a while, especially if we are dependent on someone else for our survival. Our ultimate goal should be to become independent so we can live our lives however we see fit. So devise a plan and think before you act.

As far as your close friend or any friend is concerned. We can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends. Any friend that would have an issue with you being who you are is someone you don't need in your life. But in my experience, my straight friends, even the male ones were much better about me coming out than even my family members. If someone is really your best friend, you being straight or gay shouldn't matter. If it does then that's not your friend. But as far as your individual case is concerned I would say because you live in a\that small town where everybody knows everybody it's probably best to tell no one including your friend until you get your plan together.

Now is the time for you to work on you, get your mind right, get your money right, get your education right so you can be the person you want to be and stand on your own two feet. I know being young and not living in the most ideal situation is hard, but you can't rush things. Coming out is big business, basically you are declaring that you are living a different life than the one you we're taught to live. Maybe your parents can deal with that and maybe they can't, but you need to be prepared either way. In a perfect world, gay wouldn't be such a big deal, but unfortunately it is. You wanna be grown, you wanna be free, you wanna live by your own rules? You gotta pay the cost to be the boss. Start devising your plan.

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Work That"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
and
"I'm Coming Out"
by Diana Ross
from the album "Diana"
==========

"Music Makes The People Come Together..." A Short Review Of Madonna In Concert Saturday, October 3rd, 2008 At Izod Center, East Rutherford, NJ

2008-10-06T18:18:19Z

==========
Madonna rocking it out at the Izod Center in New Jersey last Saturday night.
=========

For those of you who wanted to know whether the 168 bucks I spent on the Madonna "Sticky & Sweet Tour" concert was worth it... YES IT WAS! My first big concert ever and it was Madonna, what a way to pop my concert cherry. (LOL) It was even worth the trek out to Jersey, that turned into a damn adventure of buses, trains and a 60 dollar cab ride (the Port Authority of NY & NJ needs to get their shit together as far as their so-called link to the Meadowlands/Giants Stadium/Izod Center complex is concerned). It would have been much easier if we had snagged tickets at Madison Square Garden, but hey it was good to see her wherever we got a chance to. I would have gone to Philadelphia or Atlantic City if I had to. It would have taken just as much time and complication anyway, maybe less.

Anyway, it was a great show with no opening act, honestly she didn't need it. I learned once I got there that our sold out show was her first tour stop here in the United States so everything felt really fresh. She even paused in the middle of the show to say how good it felt to be back in America. If you're going to the concert don't want to know any of the set list don't read any further. I didn't know it beforehand and I have to admit that the surprise factor was nice.

She opened with "Candy Shop" and performed most of the other songs on the "Hard Candy" album (this list is not in the order of the show by the way) including "Beat Goes On" with Pharrell and Kanye West on background screens, "4 Minutes" with Timberland and Justin Timberfake (y'all know I can't stand him) on background screens, "Miles Away", "She's Not Me" in which she exclaimed "Don't you hate it when you have that friend that's trying to be just like you including trying to fuck your boyfriend? Fucking bitch!" and proceeded to kiss all four of her younger female dancer look-alikes (a la the infamous Britney and Christina MTV kiss) before proclaiming that she herself is a "bad ass bitch", a beautiful performance of "Devil Wouldn't Recognize You", "Heartbeat", "Spanish Lesson" and "Give It 2 Me", which she ended the show with.

In between the new songs she performed classics such as "Human Nature" with video of Britney Spears playing in the background, "Music", "Get Into The Groove", "Ray Of Light" "Hung Up", a hot rendition of "Vogue", an even hotter rock remix of "Borderline", she even took an audience request, a playful version of "Open Your Heart" in which she asked for audience participation after admitting that she forgot the words, "La Isla Bonita" complete with authentic Spanish band and dancers (a la her performance of the song at Live Earth last year). The performances of the night were her rousing version of "You Must Love Me", in which her voice sounded incredible, the only thing that would have been better would have been if she would have busted out with "Take A Bow", and my absolute favorite of the night was her performance of "Like A Prayer" which was almost like a religious experience. Also strung throughout the performance were political statements, basically Madonna's views on the issues, view which were obviously liberal, shown on the background screens with Madonna herself taking a few jabs at US vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, even performing in "Palin glasses" for part of the show.

The other star of the show were here dynamic background screens providing a good amount of the spectacle throughout the night, expanding and contracting, rising and falling depending on the needs of the song. The show was a technical masterpiece that runs super smooth and went off without a hitch.

The most incredible thing is that this woman on the stage singing, strutting, dancing, dancing while jumping double dutch all in heels is fifty years old, five years younger than my mother and has more athletic stamina than me, a man half her age. That's crazy! Maybe I need to start doing that yoga and pilates shit too.

If you have tickets to the show, be excited. If you don't have tickets to the show, get tickets. If you can't tickets go on YouTube and watch the pirated video of it with the lights off and save up for the next tour.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Like A Prayer"
by Madonna
from her show "The Sticky & Sweet Tour" live at the Izod Center, East Rutherford, NJ, USA
==========

My Interview With Michelle Williams Of Destiny's Child & Album Review: Michelle Williams "Unexpected"

2008-10-06T05:53:43Z

==========
Michelle Williams and Me at Columbia records offices here in New York back in April.
==========

Y'all know I did an interview with Michelle Williams for Bleu Magazine back in April. It ran in their last issue. For those of you who missed I've posted it here just in time for her new album "Unexpected" in stores tomorrow.

Michelle is one of the nicest and most genuine celebrity folks I've ever met. We both grew up in church, her COGIC and I Pentecostal/Apostolic, having such similar backgrounds, we clicked immediately. The interview was so laid back and playful that it hardly felt less like work and more like catching up with an old friend. Here it is:

You can never know what to expect from Michelle Williams. Even her big break appearing in Destiny's Child's "Say My Name" video back in '99 as the newest child of destiny came as a surprise. Then in the middle of all that pop success she did the unthinkable and dropped an under-the-radar gospel album in 2002 and then did it again in 2004 ("Heart To Yours" and "Do You Know" respectively). Along with her music career Michelle has been building quite an acting resume, appearing on TV shows such as the UPN series "Half & Half" and starring on Broadway in "Aida" and traveling with the cast of "The Color Purple". Now she's hitting us with her first pop/R&B/dance record, aptly titled "Unexpected" this summer.
In the interview Michelle, the small town church girl from Rockford, Illinois, and I talk music, ministry, and men... yes, men. How unexpected?

Adam: Michelle, you've always hit us with the unexpected, from your joining with Destiny's Child, to putting out two gospel albums right in the middle of such a successful career in pop music and now with your first solo pop/R&B record entitled "Unexpected". Why do you feel that this is the time to release this record?

Michelle: I did wanna do an R&B album, but what I didn't know was that it was gonna turn into such a dance album. Everything I've done has always been like that though. I like to keep it so nobody knows what Michelle is gonna do. I wanna keep it that way.

How would you respond to your detractors who say you're "backsliding" from your gospel roots? You know how church folk are...

Baby, bye... [laughs] It's like I can't win for losing because I did the gospel stuff at the height of my career with Destiny's Child. If I would have waited they would have been like, "She ain't got no money so now she gon' try to use us and do gospel..." That's why you have to continue to do you and continue to do the things that you know you are to do and I don't think I'm doing anything I'm not supposed to be doing.

'Cuz it seems like it came from your heart to come out and do the gospel albums at such a time...

Absolutely. Everything I do is gonna come from my heart and one day there's a possibility that I will do gospel music when I feel that I'm ready to be committed to that genre.

One thing I admire about you, especially coming from the church world is your openness to everyone. You've worked in many arenas, you played an HIV positive character on the UPN series "Half & Half", you've worked on Broadway and you've done a lot of work with the gays. I know that that's something that's not looked upon so favorably in the church. So how do you reconcile that with your staunch Church Of God In Christ upbringing?

The thing is, I love my upbringing, that's my foundation. I was raised I the church and I was beginning myself to be judgmental. I left home when I was seventeen to go to college and I remember when I went away from home and I had to make decisions for myself. When you grow up a certain way, in COGIC or Pentecostal church you just think that that's the only way and if you're Baptist, get away, if you're Catholic, get away...

"They going to hell!"

Exactly. [laughs] But I think that even within the Pentecostal and Church Of God In Christ movements that's changing with new leadership. But my heart goes out to everybody, everybody struggles, everybody's struggling, I don't care what it is, we're all struggling.

As far as the album, we've heard about "We Break The Dawn" and we've even heard about "Stop This Car" but tell me about some of the other tracks on this album that people probably haven't heard about.

"Hello Heartbreak", that song is hilarious. It's wonderful because it's like, you're in a relationship, but you're like, something's finna hit me around this corner. Then it's like, oh, hello heartbreak! That's what it is. Hey sadness, I knew I was gon' meet you, 'cuz you never fail, you always gon' be around. That's what "Hello Heartbreak" literally says. I have "Lucky Girl". I feel like the luckiest girl in the world because I feel I got a man who understands me so, where I don't even have to open my mouth, he knows how I feel.

That is lucky...

Ain't that lucky? [laughs]

Don't we wish we all had that? [laughs]

Chile... [laughs] I don't have it but...

It's nice to sing about...

Yeah, it's nice to sing about, but you gotta put it out in the air it'll come back to you. "The Greatest", is a song on there that I feel like will soften the hardest heart. That's gon' be my wedding song, when I walk down the aisle, I'ma be singing "The Greatest". Rico Love actually wrote all of those three songs. He actually did the bulk of my album so it's a consistent kinda flow to it.

So as far as solo releases are concerned, is there friendly competition between you and the girls of Destiny's Child, Beyonce and Kelly? Do you look at their solo success as something you could kinda compare yourself to?

I don't know if I'd say competition. We do look at each other and see what each other is doing. We do our own studying of what it is that we wanna do. Now the world will definitely compare us and put us in competition, but we don't do that with each other. I would never be like "Lemme try to one up her..." I wouldn't do that. You just don't do that to your sisters.

You guys are still really close, right? I saw the pictures of you going to Beyonce's wedding and a few other things...

We're all still very, very, very close. Absolutely.

Will there be a reunion?

[Pause] Maybe one day, I don't know..,

Like a tour or something...?

That would be so hot! We could do a ladies tour.

Especially now since you all have records out. You could do your solo thing and then do your thing together.

Yeah, a lot of people have been asking about that.

This is something we don't hear about very much but are you dating anyone?

No! [laughs] It's not true! I'm not dating Henry Simmons. I'm not dating Chris Tucker. I'm not dating nobody.

Just you and Jesus... [laughs]

Just me and Jesus. [laughs] That settles that.

People ask this kinda thing all the time but I want a real answer to this question. Tell us something about Michelle Williams that nobody knows.

I'm actually a fun, outgoing person. People think I'm quiet and meek. People think I'm at home on the altar slinging blessed oil everywhere. They don't know that I'm talking on the phone to one of my homies, I'm shopping. I go out. I enjoy the nightlife...

You "break the dawn..." [laughs]

I "break the dawn." [laughs]

Who are your favorite designers? What do you like to wear? What are you looking forward to in the next couple of seasons?

Now I'm not just saying this because I've had the pleasure of working with this young lady all my professional life, but Dereon (Beyonce Knowles' clothing company). Baby... the jeans and the shoes are something else. I love Se7en Jeans. I have on J Brand jeans right now. It just depends. I love H&M...

Ain't nothin' wrong with H&M...

This coat is H&M. I am not mad. [laughs]

H&M will get you through. [laughs] You put an H&M piece with a couture piece and put it together and make it happen!

Baby... exactly! And nobody knows. I love all kinds of designers as long as I'm comfortable I don't care if it came from the gift shop at the hotel.

Would you want to do a clothing line?

No, I wouldn't personally wanna do one, but I am working on a cosmetics line, a bath and body line. Right now it's in it's infancy stages but I have created my own body crèmes, bath gels, body scrubs, shea butters. I was actually home pouring a little shea butter and candles and all of that stuff. I got a little science lab in the crib, you know.

So, what's next for Michelle Williams? You've pretty much put your hands into everything so do you want to do more acting?

I would love to do more acting. I love the theatre, so hopefully while I'm here in New York I can check out some shows. I actually wanna originate a show. Because in the past two shows I've stepped in and somebody else has already done the role. I wanna do a role where somebody else has to come in behind me.

Michelle Wiliams
"Unexpected"
2008 Columbia Records
4.5/5

The best thing about "Unexpected" is that it's a good album. It's not as though I didn't expect it to be good, but do you know how awkward it would be for me to have sat and laughed and talked with Michelle Williams that day and to now have to turn around and trash her album. Thankfully the album is good and that's not the case. Church girl said she wanted to make you dance and she's gonna do just that.

The album starts off with "Hello Heartbreak" a cleverly written, electro-flavored, vocodered, dance pop number that's crying to be the next single. It probably won't get much play in urban markets, but the track is so hot that it doesn't even matter. Next there's there's "We Break The Dawn" the poppy first single from the album that gets an urban facelift as "We Break The Dawn (Part 2)" featuring rapper du jour Flo Rida. This should have been sent to urban radio and urban television via a chopped and screwed version of the regular video with footage of Flo Rida spliced in (a la Janet Jackson's "Son Of A Gun (remix)" featuring Missy Elliott and P. Diddy).

Other standouts include the albums second single "The Greatest", a pop R&B song in the vein of Mariah's "We Belong Together" or Mary J's "Be Without You", which is undoubtedly a good song, but a pick in which Michelle and her people played it very safe.

There's also the upbeat, poppy trio of "Till The End Of The World", "Private Party", and "Hungover" which will definitely get the party started. On "Till The End..." my favorite, of the three, I love it when Michelle coos "Will you be my mine, my mannnn..." in the intro.

The leaked track "Stop This Car" gets a slight musical makeover on the album version, making it sound better than it did before. Lastly there are the midtempo revenge ballads "Unexpected", the title track, in which Michelle displays her best vocals on the disc (a la her performance in "Through With Love" on Destiny's Child's "Destiny Fulfilled" album) and the smartly written "Thank U" in which she tanks her ex for cheating on her so that she could finally find the one who was really good for her.

Not only has church girl made us dance, she wiped our tears when were crying, made us laugh and most importantly has given us a good album to listen to.

If you must download, download: "Hello Heartbreak", "The Greatest", "Till The End Of The World", "We Break The Dawn (Part 2)", "Stop This Car" and "Unexpected"

ALBUM IN STORES TUESDAY, OCTOBER 7th, 2008

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Unexpected"
by Michelle Williams
from the album "Unexpected"
==========

"Oh Honey..." Unfortunately You Ain't That Exceptional...

2008-10-06T05:42:22Z

==========
One thing I never, ever claimed to be was an expert as I am very much a work in progress. I'm no dummy though, I know what I know but I've never presented myself as anybody's authority. Nevertheless I must be doing something right because behind the scenes people keep on emailing me asking my for advice and I can only shy away but for so long. So here it is people, you've finally rope-a-doped me into it. I'm about to get all Dan Savage on you now. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna turn out, but however it turns out remember, you asked for it, presenting (dun-da-da-dahhh): Adam's Reluctant Advice Column.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to possibly be shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

==========

Today's letter is from a heterosexual female reader who has fallen in love with her bisexual (but mostly gay) best friend. She's a virgin and is having a hard time telling him that even if they were to have sex he'd have to be tested first. In the words of Samantha Jones of "Sex And The City", "Oh honey..." where do I start with this one. Here's her letter:

Hello Adam,
I am pretty sure that I have fallen in love with my best friend. However, he is bisexual. I don't have a problem with him being bisexual, except he is sexually active with mostly men. Recently he asked me to be his girlfriend, but I'm on the fence because my family and our other friends (mainly heterosexual females who would NOT get with a guy who's bisexual) say I should NOT date him because he's my best friend, but MAINLY because he is "GAY" (he says he likes guys more but I'm an "exception" to the rule). So I wanted another point of view.

Do you think its not a good idea for me (a heterosexual female) to get with a bisexual man who is also my best friend?

Secondly, because I am a virgin, if I were to come close to having sex with him (because sexually active people are more likely to have an STD) how do I tell him that I want him to get tested?

I've tried hinting things by saying things like: "I'm taking ALL my boyfriends to the clinic if we were to come close to having sex..." and stuff like that, but I think that saying it directly would hurt his feelings.

Thank you for your time,
- Stressed Out Friend

Stressed Out Friend, how old are you? You sound like a young woman who is a situation she need not be in. You're way too young for the stress. So I'm gonna keep my answer real short and straight to the point.

First of all, yes you do have a problem with him being bisexual. Your words were and I quote "I don't have a problem with him being bisexual, except he is sexually active with mostly men." And there's nothing wrong with you having a problem with him being bisexual. I have a problem with my boyfriends being homosexual with anyone else before they met me, you wanna know why, because I'm human and I'm jealous and whatever I have I want it for myself as do you and that's okay. I personally wouldn't even think about dealing with a guy who deals with women. Bad enough you have to worry about other women around your man (and we all worry to an extent, if we don't worry we don't care), you gotta watch for men too. What the fuck?

You're young and are still learning about life yourself, you're still a virgin. I think the whole bisexuality thing may be too much for you to deal with right now. And as far as you being an "exception"... Shit, how do I say this without getting in a load of trouble... Fuck it. I'm not a big believer in bisexuality, never have been, with me you're basically one or the other, straight or gay. For me to believe that someone is bisexual, two things would have to be evident. One, their sexuality would have to be at a perfect equilibrium and two, everyone, every woman and every man they've ever involved themselves with would have to know about them, everything, every time, both of which are damn near impossible. You're always gonna like one sex over the other and every one you deal with isn't gonna understand or be supportive of your bisexuality enough for you to tell them. Besides, you can't spend your life with two people, eventually you gotta pick one. For someone who has said that they like guys more than girls to tell you that you are the "exception" is bullshit and something you should give no further thought to.

Unfortunately I can't write this guy off as just another triflin' ass , can't-make-a-decision-ass, quote-unquote "bisexual" that you should just stay away from because this "bisexual" just happens to be your best friend, which is even more of a reason not to deal with him. Continue to be his friend, but don't confuse love and support of him for romantic love. Dealing with him romantically is a disaster waiting to happen and you know it, hence your numerous reservations. That's why you wrote me this letter.

Now I must scold you for a moment. I know you did not sit up here and say that you are having difficulty asking him to take an HIV/STD test. Heifer, have you lost your damn mind!?! This is your life here and there is no room for being nice when it comes down to preserving it. No need for hints and pleasantries here. His feelings won't matter when you're sitting up somewhere with a disease. Y'all are supposed to be best friends. Y'all should be comfortable enough with each other by now that this shouldn't be a big deal. He's probably getting tested regularly anyway, at least I hope so. If he really loved and cared about you, he'd understand. Ask him, more than likely he will. This goes for everybody gay and straight. Never be afraid to ask someone to get tested before you have sex. You need to come straight out to him and say 'If you wanna hit this, you gotta get tested!' Period.

You're special and you're a virgin, you need to save your virginity for someone who you know deep down in your heart is the one, and you know that homeboy is not the one. You know, I admire my sister so much for being a virgin until she got married. It doesn't happen much anymore, but it's still possible. I'm not saying that you have to wait that long but you shouldn't feel uncomfortable if you did.

There are way too many reasons why you should not involve yourself with this boy and most importantly you don't sound too convinced about it yourself. I say listen to your instincts and your homegirls, who happen to be his friends too and more than likely have both of your best interests at heart and don't do it. Don't ruin a friendship for a relationship that you know isn't gonna work. Both of y'all are too young for the drama and you are much more than an "exception" or an experiment. Tell homeboy to find another pussy to play in.

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Love And My Best Friend"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Janet Jackson"
==========

If He Was Ugly...

2008-10-05T20:50:00Z

==========
This is one of my favorite poems so I decided to repost it. How many times have we let someone get away with treating us not as good as we deserve to be just because they look good or we think that we're not on their level and are in a sense grateful for being in their presence, as though we aren't good enough. It doesn't even have to be looks that make you stay, it could be about the way he makes you feel or the sex or a combination of the three. What's even worse is when we know it's true and we try to rationalize the shit.

Enjoy.

Originally posted on November 10, 2007 11:12 AM
==========

If He Was Ugly
by Adam Benjamin Irby

If he was ugly...
Would you let him do the things he do?
Would you let him say what he say to you?
Or act the way he acted,
If you weren't so attracted.
And forgive so automatic.
And live life so tragic.
The longing for better days, you trade,
Your sense, you're like an addict.
Why's he such a prize,
Just a sight for sore eyes.
Telling yourself lies,
Under the guise of compromise.
Disdain in your brain,
Numb like Novocaine.
You fold in your pain, like a collar stain,
On a white collared Polo rugby.
Would you treat him so lovely,
If you didn't think you were so ugly?

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Why You Gotta Look So Good?" feat. Lloyd Banks
by Mya
from the album "Moodring"
==========

Am I The Only One Who Has Sexual Fantasies About Their Barber?

2008-10-04T18:40:00Z

==========
I'm reposting this one because it's one of my absolute favorites and it came to my mind because I'm on my way out to the barber shop to see my fine ass barber right now.

Enjoy.

Originally posted on September 5, 2007 7:14 PM
==========

Ahhh yes, the barber shop. "The Black Man's Country Club," as a black man the barber shop has been a part of my life as long as I can remember. I remember hating it as a child though. Every other Saturday my mother would give my oldest sister money to take me to the barber shop. She would take me to her friend's barber shop to get my hair cut. And of course her friend was the most popular barber in the shop and of course everyone wanted to go to him to get their hair cut and of course it would take all day long. She would make me wait, and wait, and wait for him even as other barbers anxiously stood around with empty chairs. I hated the barber shop so much that I grew a high top for a few years as a child, but even that you have to fade and shape up. The end of the haircut though was always the worst. That spray with the minty green alcohol would sting so much. What the hell did they used to cut my hair with, a rusty meat cleaver?

In my preteen years I changed barbers and started going to the barbershop by myself. I wouldn't have to wait for my sister's barber friend anymore. I could choose any barber I wanted, whoever's chair was free. I was in and I was out. That's until the first time I got "zeeked". Getting zeeked is getting a fucked up haircut. There was nothing you could do to reverse a zeeking, once it's done, it's done. Your only choices were to go bald or stay indoors until your hair grows back right. I got zeeked by this drunken, yellow-eyed barber (didn't realize that at the time) once when I was 13. He cut my hair way too low and I hadn't fully grown into my head yet, and having hair on my head had caused the top of my head not to tan the color as the rest of my face. I looked crazy. When I looked in that mirror and saw my head I wanted to kill him. As a remedy to the situation I went home and pretended to be sick for a whole week until my hair started to grow back. I could not let the whole eighth grade see me looking like that. To this day my mother doesn't even know I was faking that whole thing.

But when I grew into my teen years and now into my adult years started to became more of a pleasure than a mere necessity. Besides the obvious feeling of wanting to look good. I started getting into how sexy some of these barbers are. The barber shop, like most things can be so homo-erotic. Get into it. There's me, the customer in the big leather chair and my sexy ass barber giving dap to his last customer. He flashes his million dollar smile at me and asks "What do you want?" If he only knew what I really wanted, too bad all these other people are around.

I look ahead and see him in the mirror as he walks up behind me to unfurl the black nylon barber cape that he fastens around my neck ever so gently, his every touch sending electricity to the nether regions of my body. I catch a glimpse of his ass as he turns around and begins to fiddle with his barber's instruments. He stands in front of me at 1:30 and then 10:30, his body slightly leaned over cutting my hair down. The light scent of his cologne is intoxicating as I watch my hair drop to the floor. I close my eyes as he slightly brushes his fingers against my face and I let the hum of his clippers relax me.

He stops, switches clippers and steps to me, the closest he's been to my face yet. His left hand lightly lifting my chin as he lines me up. I look at his face, my eyes tracing his strong masculine features and jawline, then I look to the right at the glass cookie jar filled with condoms and lube packets, then down to the left at the bulge in his jeans, then back up into his beautiful brown eyes that hypnotize me, up to his perfectly edged up hairline and back down to his juicy pink with lips with that thin mustache that rides them so perfectly. I want to kiss him so bad I could taste it. If he could only see how hard I am under this cape. If only he knew how badly I wanted him to rip this cape off me and ride me until we both climax.

He pulls back from me, lightly places his hand over my eyes and sprays three strong misty puffs of green alcohol over my head, then he removes my cape and lets me get a once over in the hand mirror. Alas, my haircut is over and I didn't even get to cum. That stings more than the alcohol. I come back down to reality and see all the pictures that line his barber's station. I forgot, he's straight. I conveniently forget that every week I come in.

I look good though, as usual he did a good job and I give him a good tip, not the tip I would have to have given him though if the situation were different. But it's worth it, anything to see him flash that smile at me again. Now I have to find a way to hide this erection I've got and not make eye contact with anyone as I leave the barbershop. I'll be back next week though.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Dirty Mind"
by Prince
from the album "Dirty Mind"
==========

I'm Going To See Madonna Tonight!!!

2008-10-04T16:57:55Z

A miraculous thing has occurred. Last night while I was at the gym my best friend called me to tell me that he scored tickets for the Madonna concert out at the Meadowlands in New Jersey tonight. People have been saying that this may be her last tour and tickets have been sold out for months but by some kind of miracle he got tickets. I can't believe it! This is legendary. I'm going to see motherfuckin' Madonna Louise Ciccone, the icon tonight. What's even crazier is that I'm 25 and this is my first big venue concert and it's Madonna. My ticket only cost me $165, even more than my Janet Jackson ticket for the 16th, but whatever, it's Madonna, she's worth it.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Candy Shop"
by Madonna
from the album "Hard Candy"
==========

How Many Porn Stars Have You Slept With?

2008-10-03T07:46:56Z

It seems like every other day I'm finding that someone I know or used to mess with either used to be in porn or is currently starring in porn. It's like every other homo out there is getting dicked down in some porn, as though this is a viable career or something. I mean hey, I'm not one to judge and I watch my share of porn (especially the ones at Nubian101.com), but anyone can agree that porn isn't exactly the healthiest career choice. I'm guessing, straight people help me out here, that this isn't too much of an issue for y'all. As far as how I feel about it all, the past is the past, I wouldn't necessarily say that I couldn't be with someone who used to do porn, but I can say with much certainty that I couldn't be serious about someone who currently has a career in porn. Now if we just fuckin', then it doesn't matter.

As far as me doing porn, I've been asked a few times by a few different companies, and even by a few dates and as flattering as that all is, I have always declined. There's no way in the world I'm doing porn. I already do this blog, I don't wanna totally give my mother a heart attack.

This social climate where it seems like everybody is doing porn now prompted some friends and I to have this conversation the other day. A friend of mine posed the question: How many porn stars have you slept with? I had to think about about it. How many people had I messed around with who had been or are now doing porn? As of about two weeks ago my number is four. I've fucked four porn stars. Two I knew about and two I didn't.

Who they are you ask? You know them. Three of them are currently working. Am I gonna give up their names? Hell no. Y'all know I'm not messy like that.

So, how many porn stars have you slept with? Comment and let me know.

By the way, if you haven't noticed, the "Comments" link is now at the top of the posts right under the title instead of the bottom.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Save The World"
by Girlicious
from the album "Girlicious"
==========

Believe It Or Not, There Are People Who Don't Like Me...

2008-10-03T07:32:28Z

Believe it or not, there are people out there who don't like me. I know, it's crazy right? I've always felt like I'm a pretty likable guy. I've always felt as though if someone didn't like me it's their issue because I try to be the nicest person I can. I pretty much still hold on to that. Regardless of my theory though, there are five people in this city who I know don't like me. And I mean yeah, I have a whole slew of haters, but these five people actually know me, at least kinda sorta, at least they've had interactions with me. Haters and other people who don't know me and don't like me for no reason, they just simply don't matter.

Anyway, like I was saying, there are five people in this city who I know don't like me in varying degrees and for various reasons, but at the end of the day they just aren't feeling the kid. I'm not losing any major sleep over it, but I would be lying if I said that it didn't bother me just a little, especially because some of it is my fault.

So, the First Person who doesn't like me, well he has good reason. We kinda used to be friends, casually though, we even messed around once. Well, I flirted with his boyfriend, it was after they broke up, but still it was wrong. That was my bad. I apologized and everything. It wasn't as heartfelt as it should have been but it was an apology nevertheless. I've seen First Person since the incident and we spoke. I mean it has been a long while, but we're far from cool.

The Second Person who doesn't like me doesn't like me because he got into it with one of my good friends. After a while that all subsided and we would speak when we saw each other, but since then he's gotten really friendly with First Person and as of late isn't speaking to me again. This usually wouldn't bother me as I wouldn't even know that Second Person even existed except for the fact that back when things were good Second Person was at my house once visiting me along with my good friend, so we've met previously and on top of that Second Person works at a neighborhood business that I frequent. So I see him at least a few times a week, but we still don't speak.

The Third Person who doesn't like me is someone who I hooked up with two years ago who's mad at me because on that night I mentioned, when my good friend came to my house with Second Person I mentioned casually that Third Person and I messed around. I figured that it was no big deal and we that we're all adults here. In all actuality I was really talking to my good friend, but Second Person happened to overhear. Little did I know Second Person knew Third Person's boyfriend and told him and everyone else who'd listen about it. Yeah, Third Person had a boyfriend, he didn't mention that on the night he came by at three in the morning. All this talk got back to Third Person and he figured that I was out there trying to brag about having had him when it wasn't even like that. He started popping shit with me over the internet talking about how he wanted to fight me. I told him to bring his ass over, he knew the address, it was the same one he came to when he came looking for dick at 3am. He still never showed up. I saw him last week, the first time I'd seen him since this all went down, we didn't speak.

The Fourth Person who doesn't like me, doesn't like me but I'm really not sure why. We met online last year and I thought he was really attractive. He came over and we talked, nothing happened between us and he left. While Fourth Person was over we talked and discovered that we worked in the same industry and he was told me that he needed a job. I gave him the info for my job (which I never do) and told him to pursue it and not to mention that he knew me (because if they knew that he knew me they probably wouldn't hire hi ). That was the last time I heard from him, he stopped calling me. One day I'm at work, I look up and there he is, Fourth Person, he got the job. It wasn't my job though, it was a position lower than mine. Even with that I didn't give him too much attention though because hey, he stopped calling me. I'm not gonna jock him like that, it's not that serious. A week later I got an email saying that he got fired. I kinda wanted to know what happened. My curiosity getting the better of me, I'd hit him up online intermittently, saying hey, even going as far enough to assure him that I was not trying to pick him up. Still no response. One day I was chilling at my friend's house, he came by he saw me there, we spoke and then he left suddenly. I won't be conceited enough to say that I was the reason why he left but I can't help but wonder. I saw him last week as well and we didn't speak. He can't possibly think I had something to do with him being fired, can he?

The Fifth Person who doesn't like me, doesn't like me in a way a little different from the first four. Fifth Person doesn't like me, like me, like romantically. The first time I saw Fifth Person I saw him at his job, I figured that he got down (was gay) and my feelings were confirmed after seeing him around at parties and in the gay-borhoods of the city. For whatever reason I never walked up and talked to him before. I ain't gon' lie, I get nervous trying to approach guys I like, you wouldn't know though, but even with that, the opportunity never really presented itself. One day I saw him online so I sent him a message. I sent it and he never replied back. I checked the message and he opened it. Damn. On another occasion I sent him a message again. I even told him that I'd developed a little crush on him (yeah, I know, that shit was extra), again same result. He's fine, but he's just not feeling me. I know the cardinal online rule, I'm a proponent of it. You send a message, you wait a while, they're still online and you know they opened it, no reply back, they're not interested. The there's no point in being a stalker and making yourself look crazy. It's just that, as fucked up as it sounds, me saying this about myself but, I'm not used to this kinda thing, rejection from somebody I kinda got into like that. Guys I like don't usually reject me, at least not lately, within the past year or so. A part of me wondered, why is he not feeling me? I don't get it. Oh well, I shook the dust from my feet and moved on. His loss.

It's crazy but, as much I'd like to walk up to each one of these five people, stretch out my hand and proceed to talk and mend fences with them I wonder, how realistic is that? Peace talks happen between two parties, but the two parties have to be willing to talk and settle their differences and be cool. Like I said before, I don't lose much sleep over those who don't like me but if I had my way I'd like for us to all be okay. But considering that there are only five people in the world I can think of who are not okay with me, mostly for dumb ass reasons, I'm a really fortunate guy, believe it or not.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Womanizer"
by Britney Spears
from the album "Circus"
==========

Too Hot For TV! My Lost Video...

2008-10-02T10:49:19Z

About a year ago I did a photo shoot with Nathan "7" Scott where I was laying out on the train tracks in the abandoned rail yard. Remember that one?

Well, there was a video that accompanied that whole thing, like a behind the scenes, so to speak. It's nothing too serious, Nathan asking me questions (half of them about sex, he's such a dirty old man LOL) while I posed for pictures, DJ Doo-Dirty was there too. Nathan put the video up on YouTube but they ended up taking it down the next day because I guess they saw it as too raunchy, or too risque for their viewers.

Since then it's been resting on my official website ABenjaminIrby.com, where no one's really ever gonna see it. So in honor of it's one year anniversary I decided to share it with everyone here because even though it's old, I know most of y'all haven't seen it. This video is actually what birthed the whole "Adam. The Miniseries" YouTube thing we did last year.

I actually haven't seen it since last year so I know I'm gonna cringe watching it because believe it or not, I hate watching myself on video.

Enjoy.

Now really? What was so terrible about that?

Click here to check out the pictures from this photo shoot.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Heart Beat Rock"
by Kylie Minogue
from the album "X"
==========

Like, Why Are We Not Friends On MySpace & Facebook?

2008-10-02T07:29:37Z

Yes, I'm another one of those people all into their MySpace and FaceBook pages, checking messages and collecting friends along the way. So many of you have added me and message me on both sites I appreciate it. What I like the most about the whole thing is that I get to learn more about you for a change.

So here are my page links. If you haven't already, be sure to add me.

My MySpace Page
http://myspace.com/AdamBIrby

My FaceBook Page
http://www.new.facebook.com/profile.php?id=616131378

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Radio"
by Girlicious
from the album "Girlicious"
==========

The Straight Men Have Their Say... Now I Wanna Hear From The Ladies...

2008-10-02T07:27:07Z

A few days ago I put a call out to all the straight male readers of my gay ass blog to email me and let me know how they found my blog, why they continue to read it and what they get from it. I selected three of those letters and posted them here.

Here's the first one:

I came across your blog a long time ago when I was googleling something about police brutality and I came across [your] story. I read your blog because it lets me know how at least a few gay black people think or view certain things in society. I don't like being ignorant. So many times people form opinions about something before they get all the facts about it. I just really like getting things from all perspectives.

- Bran745

Yeah, last year I was unjustly arrested coming home from the gym, simply minding my African-American business. I told the story on the blog. Click here to read that post.

Here's the second letter:

Hey Adam,
I'm a straight guy who reads your blog. Your blog is just entertaining my brother. I honestly don't come from reading it with a very positive opinion on you most times, but its just entertaining always. My wife actually has you favorited on her computer and she turned me on to your blog, been reading ever since. I liked the post about 'heterophobia', it was very interesting. As was the one about men being 'more attractive' than women, I even commented on that one. And for what its worth, I'll mention that I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters: ALL of whom are gay. Keep up the good work my brother,
- Hammer

Even the straight kids are trying to read now, go figure. (LOL) Who knew that husbands and wives come together to read my blog? It's great. A while back, after being declining an invite to a gay friend's straight birthday party I realized that I may be "heterophobic" and wrote a blog post about it. Click here to read that blog post.

And the last letter:

Wattup Adam?
I'm a straight dude and i've been an avid reader of your blog for a few months now. I first came across your blog by way of a youtube video i saw...you and some guy named derrick acting like clowns...lol...anyway...I'm a music lover (I never leave home without my ipod..it's my baby...lol) and we have similar music tastes..but i can't get with that "Girls Aloud"..I can't give you cool points for them...lol...I'm also a homebody much like yourself and that's probably why i like reading your blog...our personalities are similar (from what i can tell)...plus I enjoy hearing people's point of views and like people who are real...and your story is one that I just find interesting...I enjoy good and honest writing...that's probably why I'm a fan of so many tv shows (i'm a tv whore btw..lol) ...I'm an observer..the proverbial "fly on the all" type of dude...atleast in my opinion anyway...lol...that's all I can conjure up right now..if I think of something else! I'll be sure to let u kno...so continue to write and live and I'll remain the fly on the wall.

- Molden1320

You're a straight male. If you were that into Girls Aloud, I'd worry. (LOL) Check out my post about my favorite UK girl pop group Girls Aloud here.

Thanks so much guys for responding. The fact that there are so many many straight dudes out there who are so evolved and secure in their sexuality is definitely an encouragement to me. The motto of this blog and one of my life mantras is "We're all more alike than we are different. It's all about seeing ourselves through each other." The fact that people of all walks of life can apply what they read here to their lives or at least just be open enough to be entertained by it is great and gives me more hope for the future of gay-straight relations in the US and around the world. Because at the end of the day, it won't be the politicians who will broker tolerance and understanding between straights and gays. It's up to each of us, as individuals in our daily lives, opening up, listening, getting to know, befriending and trusting each other.

Now it's your turn straight ladies. I wanna hear from you. Send me a message letting me know how you found my blog, why you continue to read it and what you get from it. Then I will select a few of those letters to post here on the blog. Click here to send me a message.

I can't wait to hear from you.

As always, much love.

- Adam

==========

Playing In The Background...

"Spotlight"

by Jennifer Hudson

from the album "Jennifer Hudson"

==========

Adam's Opinion On: Closeted Gay Men aka I Have NO Respect For A Closeted Gay Man... Especially The Ones That Hit Me Up Online.

2008-09-30T05:01:00Z

=========
This a series of posts that I've been thinking long and hard about writing. I've been so deep in thought about it because I'd be stating my honest opinion, mostly venting about shit that gets on my motherfuckin' natural black nerves and I fully know and realize going in, unlike most times where I don't know and realize going in that I'm gonna offend someone. But, fuck it (not butt fuck it LOL), it's my blog. I'ma say what I want, whoever doesn't like it doesn't have to read it. Shit, that's what the "comments" section is for. I gotta let some stuff out and I may even educate or inform someone in the process. This thought process is actually the birth of a series of posts that I've titled: "Adam's Opinion On..."

-Adam
==========

Today's Subject: Closeted Gay Men

I'm gay. I'm gay and damn proud of it and wouldn't change it for all the tea in China. One of the things I love most about myself is my great sense of self-acceptance. I love me, all of me, even the stuff that gets on my nerves sometimes, and whatever things about me that get on my nerves I'm not so much looking to change, but to improve for the sake of the overall me, to make me a better me, more efficient me. So the words "I wish I weren't gay" would never escape my lips, gay is a part of me. I love being gay. I love everything about it, even the stuff you don't like, because in it's own little way it's helped to shape me into the lovely me that you see before you today. On my worst gay day the last thing I would ever wanna be is straight (and I'm sure straights feel the same way, they should). With that said these homos running around here wishing that they weren't gay get on my last nerve.

Closeted men. How tired is that? Knowing full well that your ass is gay, fucking asses and taking dicks, but then when asked you lie and say you're not gay. That's so tired. So what, you like dick, don't be a fuckin' pussy about it! It's not just tired, it's sad, to continually deny who you are over and over again must kill you a little more inside each time you do it. I could see it if you were young and still living at home or it was to save your job or if you were in immediate danger or something like that and even those non-ideal situations the people in them don't want to be in them and are trying to make their way out if at all possible. Who wouldn't wanna live their lives in total freedom? Who wants to live in secret? To straight up lie, just for the sake of acceptance is just crazy to me.

Just so that we're clear. I'm making the distinction here between closeted men, gay men who know they're gay but lie about it for acceptance sake (I guess) and DL men, men who date and even marry women but still fuck around with men. DL men are just totally gross and a disgrace to all men gay and straight. They're a horse of another color, not only don't I have respect for them I can't stand them, but that's a whole 'nother blog post.

With that said, let's continue. A friend of mine told me a story of two men he knew that bought a two bedroom condo that they couldn't afford just so that when their parents and other people came over one could sleep in the other room so that they could live under the guise of being roommates. Two single and available men, over 30, no girlfriends, no ex-wives, no kids, living together for years and years and they really don't think that people don't know what's going on, like they're really fooling somebody. The question is are they trying to fool other people or fool themselves? How ridiculous is this? To fuck your finances and credit up to maintain a facade of a life solely for the approval of other people. In what life does that make sense? These are grown ass men living their lives in hiding like little kids. How are you gonna let other people rule how you live your life in your house, that you pay for? That's crazy. Couldn't be me.

All of this though is my opinion. I mean hey, if you wanna be a closet case, be a closet case, that's your life, your right as an American, just keep the shit away from me. Due to what I do (the blogging and such) and my overall nature I can't be friends with you ('cuz everyone knows I'm gay and don't deny it, so being around me is gonna out you sooner or later) and I most certainly won't date you. If someone tries to talk to me at a club or hits me up online and says anything even remotely to the effect that they are not out, that ends the conversation. That is unless they continue it, then a debate usually ensues.

Yesterday, a guy hit me up online. I looked at his profile. It said that he was "not out". Let's call this guy CedarChest (cedar, because he's in the closet). I politely ended the conversation, he continued it and the debate ensued and of course I've added my sidebar comments:

CedarChest: "whas good"

Me: "nothin chillin, sorry but im not into dudes that arent out about their sexuality."

Sidebar: Politely ending the conversation.

CedarChest: "thas kool but u should respect someones choice to not b captain gay. i wasnt tryna holla at u on that level jus wanted to chat wit see how convo goes"

Sidebar: Sure you weren't... but either way, a closet case having a convo with "Captain Gay" ain't gon' go but so far.

Me: "<=== Captain Gay and proud. I'm gonna take on that moniker, thank you. Nah I actually don't have respect for any grown ass man who's on the DL. I'm not saying be a drag queen but if someone asks you whether you're gay and you lie and say no, then no I have no respect for you."

Sidebar: CedarChest is older than me according to his profile, which makes it even more tired.

CedarChest: "well if that works for u im happy for u. but n e way whas ya name"

Me: "Captain Homo S. Gay LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL"

CedarChest: "see this is y regular dudes like me dont like fem dudes like u."

Sidebar: Bitch can't take a joke now all of a sudden I gotta be fem. Good thing that I'm a secure gay man who wouldn't take that as an insult.

Me: "I'm actually not fem, but okay. LOL And if by "regular" you must not be speaking of normal, because a normal man stands up for who he is and what he does and isn't DL. And a DL man not liking me is no surprise, how can you like me when you don't even like you?"

Sidebar: I don't like that I used the term "DL" there. I should have used the term "closeted".

CedarChest: "a normal doesnt have to b a poster boi for homosexuality. a normal man dnt care who knos but wont run around tellin everyone he is gay. now go have fun this convo wit u is a waste"

Sidebar: Yeah, but you obviously care who knows you're gay, hence why you're in the closet. Yeah, this convo, a waste, yeah. I was tryna tell you that.

Some may look at my stance as extreme but it's whatever. Being an openly gay man, with my blog, on the internet and in my community I have to deal with people's homophobic bullshit all the time. Now yes, I live in New York, a very liberal city and no I don't walk around in a dress, but I have the utmost respect for those who do. In fact most people who meet me and don't ask me about it don't even realize that I'm gay, but even a person in my situation still has homophobic attitudes to deal with. As gays we are not a societal norm and at times it's a struggle, it's be a battle for us just to live our lives like everyone else at times, it's unfortunate but it is what it is. So while I'm on the forefront of this battle, writing, blogging, voting and being a voice in the world I really don't have the patience for a closet case. I'm like Harriet Tubman, holding niggas up with my pistol on the Underground Railroad, if you wanna be free come with me and let's fight this fight, if not I'm leaving your punk ass behind because the movement can't wait for scary ass niggas to get their shit together. In a world where gays are fighting for the rights to marry, have hospital visitation, insurance and things like that who needs a closet case running around here being a nuisance.

Remember, this is MY opinion and once you hit the close button at the top of your web browser, "Poof!" it's gone.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Your Secret Love"
by Luther Vandross
from the album "Your Secret Love"
==========

Online Dating Horror Story #3: Long Distance Lover

2008-09-29T20:30:00Z

==========
I'm reposting this one because it's a classic, one of my absolute favorites and one people still talk about to this day. If I didn't live this one I wouldn't believe it myself.

Enjoy.

Originally posted on September 11, 2007 10:15 AM
==========

==========
I'm an advocate for online dating. I think it's great. Of course like any other kind of dating you should be careful about meeting strangers and you should be selective of who, when, where, and how long it will take before you are ready to meet somebody. On the other hand everyone is a stranger until you get to know them, right? To me meeting people online much better than getting dressed and going out to a club because it's free and you can do it in the privacy of your own home and talk to as many people as you want to one time and rejection is just a click of a mouse! All their info is on their profile, it's like ordering takeout. This series will focus on some of the not so good experiences I've had with online dating.
Enjoy.
==========

This has to be the absolute worst date I have ever had and I have had some bad ones, as you know. I wouldn't believe this story if I hadn't lived it myself.

I was online in the middle of the night at work about two years ago. I was talking to this guy. Unlike most guys I've talked to online he lived two states away. We talked online and over the phone for about a week. Things seemed to be going well considering the fact that we had only known each other for such a short period of time. Being the proactive person that I am I offered to take a bus to go out there where he was and stay over with him the next time I had a day off from work. He was delighted and anxious to meet me in person.

So a few days later I boarded a bus to go and meet him. Let's call him Long Distance Lover, LDL for short. Now you know LDL had to provide me with dayum near a magazine quality photo spread before I agreed to travel that far to meet him. My philosophy with photo spreads is this. Expect the person to look like their worst picture in the photo spread. If you can deal with that, then you can deal with the person. Remember, photos capture only a moment in time, a mere nanosecond of a person's existence, lighting and angles are everything. I always say if you meet anyone from online, the more photos the better.

LDL met me at the bus station once I arrived to his city. As I thought, he looked the most like his worst picture, which was okay. He wasn't drop dead gorgeous, but I wasn't about to use my return ticket right then either. We walked from there to his house. He'd already informed me that he lived with his mother who he told me was okay with my sleepover visit and his sexuality in general. You know I had to ask, I ain't that crazy.

When we reached LDL's place his mom was there, she was cooking at the time. I met her, she seemed very nice, but as much as I hate to speak ill of anyone's mother I have to say that LDL's mom didn't seem to be all there mentally. She seemed as though she had suffered through some type of mental problem or trauma in her past, she didn't seem dangerous, or scary though. She was very nice, warm and accommodating, she even offered me some of the dinner she was cooking. I ate and it was good. I had just gotten off work early that morning and I was really tired. LDL showed me to the room where I'd be sleeping and I took my clothes off and took a little nap.

I drifted in and out of sleep in LDL's bed unable to really get comfortable, number one because I was in another state in a strange bed, number two because everyone else in the house was still awake. LDL came up and and chilled with me for a while. I remember us messing around for a little bit but nothing significant happened. He left and went back downstairs and I drifted off back into my pseudo-sleep. In one of my more awake moments out of slightly opened eyes I saw his mother come into the room for a second, she did something and quickly left. I'm not sure exactly how much time had past but my fatigue had taken over and I finally fell asleep. I was awakened by the sound of LDL and his mother arguing from downstairs.

"Who's that naked man in my bed?"

LDL's mother yelled. He yelled back something indistinguishable. I'm laying there like 'What the fuck?' Still somewhere between awake and asleep hoping this shyt is some kinda crazy dream. I hear her yell again:

"Who's that naked man in my bed?"

'Oh shyt! This is fuckin' real! What the fuck is going on?' I thought. As I opened my eyes I noticed that the room was oddly feminine. Why the fuck would this nigga have me sleeping in his mother's bed? There are two bedrooms in the house. And does she not know what was going on? She was cool a little while ago. Then I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. I close my eyes and pretend like I'm asleep. LDL comes into the room, takes the phone and goes back downstairs. A few seconds later I hear LDL saying something like this:

"Hello, police....
My mother is here and I need her picked up.
She's mentally unstable and refuses to take her medication.
She has become violent."

'Oh hell fuckin' no! I gotta get outta here!' I thought as I sat up trying to devise a plan. Unfortunately there's only one exit and I can't get out without going past them and Lord only knows what's going on downstairs. Several minutes later I hear more footsteps coming up the stairs. I almost got whiplash I flung my head back down on that pillow so fast. LDL's mother comes into the room, takes me by my hand and leads down the stairs.

"See, this the naked man in my bed, I'm not crazy!"

LDL's mother said as I stood there dumbfounded in the middle of the living room floor in my boxers in front of her, LDL, and two police officers. Okay, the police have been called, this is officially the worst date ever.

"Go back upstairs!"
LDL yells at me.

"I don't understand why my son punkin' like this..."
LDL's mom says, nearly crying.

"Do you know this gentleman?"
The policeman on the left asks me.

"Yeah we're friends..."
I answer.

"I don't understand why my son punkin' like this..."
LDL's mom repeats.

"Go back upstairs!"
LDL yells at me again.

I'm 'bout tired of this nigga yellin' at me. It ain't my fault his mama crazy. He shoulda told me this shyt. This is the typa shyt you fuckin' tell a person before they travel to another state. I proceeded to go upstairs and start putting on my shyt. 'I'm getting the fuck outta here!' I thought. A few minutes later LDL comes upstairs and sees me getting ready to go.

"What you doin'?"

"Gettin' up outta here."
I answer.

"Why, why you leavin'?"

This nigga can't be serious.
"'Cuz I see Im' causing a problem here."

"Nah, it's aight. She's gone. They took her. You couldn't get back on a bus anyway now. The bus station is closed. So you mind as well stay until in the morning."

I look at my cell phone and notice that it's after one in the morning. Shyt! That bus station probably won't open until at least five or six. Once I realized I was stuck I undressed again and climbed back into bed with him. He tried to mess around with me but at that point I was still tired and really, really, really not in the mood. All I wanted to do was go home. He kept pressuring me though and we ended up doing a little something. I was so not into it though. Soon after we went to sleep. I totally regretted this whole thing and vowed to never travel this far for a date again. A few hours later we were awakened by a loud banging on the door.

"Let me in! Let me in!"

You guessed it, homegirl was back. I'm not sure how she got back but she was back. By this time it was a little after 5am and pouring raining outside. I'm laying there, totally not believing this shyt is happening to me. He went downstairs to let her in. He managed to find a way to calm her down and get her quiet. After that we switched rooms. Me and LDL were downstairs on the couch and his mother slept upstairs in her bed. That led me to ask him why the fuck we were in her bed to begin with. I also wondering what the hell fuckin' body they were hiding in that other bedroom? This whole thing was too weird for words. I was ready to go.

He explained to me that ever since his mother got sick they slept in the bed upstairs together, but tonight was different because I was here. She was scared to sleep alone. Touching story, violins playing, all that, but I wondered why he didn't bother telling me any of this before I got there. We didn't have to sleep together. I was totally fine chillin' with him and then sleeping alone on the couch. LDL coulda slept with his mother. I didn't mind, especially if it would have helped to avoid this mess. Oh yeah, and judging from his mother's reaction in front of the police LDL wasn't one hundred percent forthright with his mom about his sexuality. The nigga lied to me. So I was really over him now.

To give LDL the benefit of the doubt I guess he was tired of sleeping with his mom. He was a grown ass gay man with hormones and like the rest of us grown ass gay men I'm sure he wants to feel the touch of another man sometimes (all the time for some of us). Thankfully I have never been in the place to have to take care of a debilitated parent, I'm sure it's hard and on top of that he's all alone.

An alarm clock goes off, it's 9 am. LDL wakes up for work and asks me whether I wanted to go to work for a few hours with him or stay there as we were supposed to spend the day together. After last night I was so not into it anymore. In an effort to accelerate my escape back to New York I told him that I'd rather stay and that he could come back and scoop me up later. LDL leaves. Of course that means I was alone in the house with LDL's mother. She was upstairs asleep and this was my perfect opportunity to sneak out. In retrospect I shoulda just told his ass 'Yo mama crazy, I'm over this, I'm leaving.' But I really didn't wanna discuss this with him and I know he was already embarrassed enough after how his mom behaved the night before. I figured at the time that slipping out was the least dramatic way to handle things.

As I quietly slipped on the rest of my clothes. I realize that I left the olive green Lacoste polo I was wearing upstairs in the room. 'Oh well, fuck the shirt!' I thought as there was no way in hell I was going back up there. I heard LDL's mother come downstairs and start stirring around, of course that was my cue to pretend I was asleep again. Just then LDL called me on my cell phone. I didn't answer. He called again, and again, and again. Then he called the house phone there. His mother answers the phone. I realized that he was gonna ask her for me. The butterflies were fluttering like crazy in my stomach as I felt her presence come closer to me with the phone.

"It's for you."
She says to me leaning over the back of the pull out couch with the receiver in hand.

"Oh and I'm so sorry for last night, baby."
She continued, and flashed me the sincerest of smiles as I took the phone from her hand.

It was LDL. He was telling me that he was gonna send his friend to come pick me up in a little while. Little did he know my black ass was gonna be long gone before that happened. So after the conversation with LDL I snuck back upstairs to get my Lacoste polo. Shyt, mama was fine now I may as well get all my shyt before I bounce. As I quietly made my way out just inches from the doorknob. LDL's mother stops me.

"Excuse me baby, I was supposed to pick up a refill of these pills from the drug store. Can you get them for me baby?"

Is she fuckin' serious? This is the same woman that no more than ten hours ago dragged me in front of the police in my underwear like I was a common criminal. Now she wants me to do her favors like I'm the son she never had. Homegirl really is crazy. I was too close to getting the hell out of there to argue. She handed me the bottle of pills and I pretended to phone the pharmacy (without pressing any buttons on my cell phone, she didn't notice). After my fake conversation with the pharmacist I told her that they said she would have to come and pick up the medication herself.

And that was it. I was outside, I was free. I ran my black ass back to that bus station like I never ran before. I navigated the streets of that city like I had lived there my whole life. Thank God for my good memory and impeccable sense of direction. I didn't make one wrong turn. All the while LDL was blowing up my cell phone. I didn't answer and I was on the lookout for him as well. I wasn't in the mood to be nice, I wasn't in the mood to understand, I wasn't in the mood to explain, I just wanted to go home.

I finally got to the bus station. I found out that the next bus back to New York was leaving at 11am. By that time it was a little past 10. The bus station was all glass in front and I knew that LDL was probably looking for me. So I hid out in the back, obscured between the snack and soda vending machines until the bus arrived. I had never been so happy to see a bus in all my life. All during the ride back to New York LDL kept blowing up my phone. He had to have called like 20 times. I so didn't feel like talking to him.

The next day he called me again. This time I answered. He asked me whether I wanted to continue speaking to him as if not answering his four hundred and twenty-six phone calls weren't enough of a sign. I kindly told him that I did not want to continue speaking to him and I haven't heard from him ever since.

I feel for LDL as his situation was quite unfortunate. He should have told me about his circumstances before I came to visit him. I know it's a hard thing to tell someone that you hardly know but in this situation it was definitely necessary. He was a cool person, if he had told me about his mom I honestly would have understood and probably would have come to see him anyway. He also should have also not changed his routine with his mom so abruptly. I would have been cool adjusting to the way things were in their home. My presence was no reason to switch things up. Hopefully this experience taught LDL to tell people the full truth before inviting them over.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Long Distance Love"
by Tamia
from the album "A Nu Day"
==========