Dating: December 2007 Archives

Wow, we haven't done a dating update in a minute. Where, oh where do we begin? Well, it's Sunday morning. Praise the Lord everybody. This is the part where y'all all say "Praise the Lord" back. Speaking of the Lord, back in the day, growing up in church, when someone stopped coming to church that person was called a backslider, a person who has fallen from or left from the way. In my dating life I'm also a backslider. In the past week I have totally done a 180 from the quote-unquote "more righteous" path of self denial I'd been etching out for myself in the past few months and I'm really enjoying it. I've also gone back to some people and situations I'd left behind. Reunited and I'm not sure how it feels... Just don't judge me.

Waking up drunken and dehydrated on Nathan's bathroom floor the Friday before last seemed to really put things in perspective for me. I'd been doing way too much and had been trying way too hard to prove that I was "enlightened" and the pressure got to me. I turned to a bottle of Grey Goose vodka for relief. I told you guys and everyone else about it. The general consensus was that I should relax and not be so hard on myself and just be myself in general. So here I am, don't judge me.

The first step to being me was letting all that Puritan shit go. I'm obviously nobody's prude and no one's Puritan. I let the Puritanical homos with their haughty-holier-than-thou attitudes and turned up noses convince me that the online dating thing was bad and beneath me. After forsaking the online thing and actually going out to meet people at parties, in clubs and in bars for the past three months and having a few experiences like the one I had a week and a half ago. I realize that online dating definitely isn't so bad, it's definitely much easier and at the end of the day is much more genuine and no-nonsense. So on December 24th I ended my 93-day hiatus and got back online. The experiment is over! This time though I didn't put up any dick pictures on my profiles in an effort to keep them a little more PG. I'm not trying to attract the casual sex, jumpoff element anymore and you know, with me doing all this stuff as far as the blog and my writing, it's just not the best look. On my BGC profile I even put the address to the blog, nothin' says lovin like free advertisement, don't judge me.

Speaking of lovin' I definitely appreciate the love I've been getting from you all online toward the blog. I've been getting hit up with messages from people telling me how much they enjoy the blog and that they are regular readers. I even got two messages on A4A yesterday from some readers welcoming me back online. "He's back" one of them said. Besides blog lovin' I've been getting plenty of messages about other kinds of lovin' as well:

On BGC I've been getting hit up pretty regularly. I even met up with a friend from college that I haven't seen in two years. We chilled yesterday, it was great to be able to catch up. I actually caught up with a few more friends on there including one of my really good friends who I always know is back in the city from college when I see him on BGC trolling for dates. (You know who you are. Smile.) I even donated some money and upgraded my BGC account so now I can view the mobile site on my Blackberry (Miss Berry the Second) and I can view the site regularly with no advertisements (including the pornographic ones) which means that I can browse BGC at work when I'm bored. BGC is funny, it's evolved from a dating/hookup site to more of a networking/friendship site. It's much more tame than it used to be. It's like the black gay MySpace now. Here's a link to my BGC page.

I signed up for A4A but you know an account there takes 24 hours to process. When I signed in for the first time on the 28th I had 42 new messages. Damn, what a welcome back. Unfortunately, maybe like two of them were actually desirable to me, but I appreciate the love anyway. I hardly ever talked to anyone from A4A anyway. The guys on BGC and even M4N are usually more attractive.

Speaking of M4N, their accounts take 24 hours to process as well. I logged in there for the first time on Friday as well and had 172 new messages. Damn, I thought there was a glitch in the system or something, but there were indeed 172 messages there. I went through all of those and only replied back to about four of them.

With all this messaging back and forth you'd think I would have met up with one of these people. I actually have not. I've exchanged some numbers had a few convos but that's about it. Out of sheer boredom, late Christmas night after my date with this new guy, ummm, it's Sunday and I'm feeling Biblical, lets call him Amos... Lemme digress a little. Amos, I met at that party I went to in Brooklyn, the Friday before last, the same day I got all drunk and pulled a Lindsay/Britney in Nathan's bathroom and went shopping afterward, yeah that day. Amos and I went to see "The Great Debaters" Christmas night, a great movie by the way. As far as the date I guess there was a little Chemistry, he seems like a cool guy, a fellow Leo, but I remember him being cuspy though, like really close to the Cancerous side of things. The conversation was good and there was even a little touching and hand holding during the movie but we didn't kiss at the end of the night though. Not even a kiss on the first date, what kinda Leo is that? There has been some light texting and a phone convo since then, we'll see, don't judge me.

Now where were we? Oh yeah, sheer boredom and shit. Okay, later that night, once I got back home I got a text from Robo-Munchkin. You remember Robo-Munchkin, he was Online Dating Horror Story #4. I first met him a few months back. Short story: he was this short top dude that was trying his hardest to try and fuck me (I'm a top as well) and I laughed in his face. It's actually a very funny story, read it and catch up. Anyway he texts me. I, not recognizing his number and not knowing who the hell he was asked him and he reminded me. Then he asks me if I'm up for having a threesome. I said no as I'm not particularly fond of those. Then he suggests that he come over anyway. I asked why and reiterated to him that I'm a top and that he is not, I repeat not gonna fuck me. He suggests we do oral. I told him that I wouldn't suck his dick either. I just knew that this was the end of our conversation. He says that he's fine with that and that he'd just suck my dick. I agreed to that. Shit, why not? I'm home, alone, horny and a cute guy wants to come and suck my dick, how could I say no? So he comes by, sucks me off, I eat him out and almost fucked him. I would have fucked him except that my dick, the head really, couldn't fit in (That damn mushroom head is a gift and a curse). Uh huh, talkin' all that shit the last time I saw him, the top killer strikes again, don't judge me.

Oh and speaking of my mushroom head and people mentioned in past blog posts, remember Freddy, from this blog post? We did it. Wednesday night. My mushroom head almost made us not able to do it but we pulled it off, don't judge me.

"Maybe I am foolishly in love with someone that is
Not exactly on the same page, that I am on
Well all my friends keep telling me stop
Walking round so blindly
But when he calls they're not around
To ever remind me..."

"I guess I kind of notice he don't always act so kindly
But that doesn't stop my hunger, hunger for his heart
Why should I listen to those, who think that I should move on
Maybe what they see as drama, I see more as art..."

"Can't seem to get past how he makes me feel
May not be love but it feels so real
Can't go with what they say must follow my heart
But now is that even being to to me
Maybe I'm happy, truly content
Maybe this is as good as it gets
Do I have faith in my confidence
Or am I just thinking all hopelessly..."

-Vivian Green
from the song "What Is Love"

Speaking of going backwards, much to my chagrin I must admit that I have started seeing Pubby again.  I know, I know, I know many of you including my own friends have said that he's no good for me, that I deserve better, that I'm "a stupid bitch". But I like him, okay, I do. The times that we are together, though few and far between are great. And it's not like I'm not seeing other people, even though I'd rather just be with him. But ya gotta fill the empty space somehow. **sigh** Don't judge me.

Even though I was really pissed at him and had been giving him the cold shoulder for the past few weeks, ignoring his calls and text messages. Y'all know me and you know I can't stay mad forever. It's just not in me. He hit me up via email one day and we started talking about making peace. We went out to dinner last Sunday to Alfredo Of Rome. We hadn't seen each other in like two months so we got all caught up. We talked out all of our misunderstandings and agreed to communicate better. I'm not putting anything on it this time but I guess we'll see. I'ma just enjoy the time we spend together. He came to my house on Thursday night. In an effort to switch things up I asked him to cook for me this time. He cooked and the food turned out good in spite of the fact that he almost burned my apartment down in the process. Smoke everywhere, coughing, watery, burning eyes, opened windows, the works. Yeah baby, you sit there and look pretty and let papa do all the cookin' from now on. After the smoke cleared it felt so good to hold him in my arms again, don't judge me.

I've had more fun this week than I've had in a long time. Granted, every week won't be as sexual as this one was, and that's more than okay. It just feels good to be myself again, however promiscuous people think that may be. One thing I could say is that I haven't drank and haven't wanted to drown my sorrows in alcohol since that day at Nathan's house, that's a good thing. I'm sure my liver is happy about that and I finally got me some, my dick is very happy about that. In one week I just totally went against everything I'd been preaching for the last few months. Call me a backslider, call me Al Green if you will, just don't judge me.

==========
Playing in The Background...
"Too Close"
by Al Green
from the album "One In A Million"
and
"Tired Of Being Alone"
by Al Green
from the album "Greatest Hits"
==========

==========
Okay, after rereading today's blog post I realize that I'm a little angry. If you are innocent and I offend you in the next few moments I do sincerely apologize.

-Adam
==========

A few weeks ago, Wednesday, December 5th to be exact, I went out to two parties after work that night. I noticed this guy at the first party, DJ noticed him too. He was short, nice face, like 5'7-5'8, light brownskinned, thin, with a fat little ass, definitely our type. I would have probably said something to him, or at least introduced myself but he was leaving and with him another chance to find true love or at least a date for the upcoming weekend. Okay, that was a little dramatic, but you know what I mean.

Shortly after, we (Me, DJ, Shorty, Tye Sexy, and Soulgee aka our crew "Media Inc.") left the party to head down to Dwight's weekly function at Mocca. Once we arrived at the 28th street downtown 6 train station and went through the turnstiles the first person I saw, of course was the guy from the party. He was speaking with a friend, they signaled for Tye Sexy. She went over and talked to them while I stood with my boys about 10 feet down the platform. Every so often I'd glance over at him while DJ and I contemplated my next move. At that point I'd kinda decided to leave things alone. I figured that I'd had my chance at the party. I could have stopped him before he walked out of the door. Besides, I never made a habit of picking up guys on subway trains anyway.

When the train arrived fate would have it that we all end up in the same car and that I would end up entering the train car right behind him and that he would turn to the door that I leaned up against and that we'd be face to face. So I said "Hi." We shook hands and exchanged names. Then the eyes turned on, his and mine. You know "the eye", the "I'm-attracted-to-you-I'm-tryna-see-what's-good" eye, followed by some flirtatious smiles and lip licking. There was definitely chemistry there, beakers and test tubes, white lab coats and shit. So I gave him one of my promo cards (I never leave home without them, that's how half of y'all found my blog) and we exchanged numbers. We talked briefly a few days later. I asked him out on a date and he told me that he'd be busy until the following Sunday and just about all this stuff he's doing in general. The conversation felt a little rushed. After that I just thought I'd leave it alone. I hate meeting a decent guy to find that he's too busy for me. I figured if he's busy like that it probably would never work for us anyway. I'm a Leo, we need attention. I'm not the kind of boy that you can let down and think that everything is okay. 'Cuz boy I am only human. This boy needs more than occasional hugs as a token of love from you to me... I digress, I just went off on a tangent there. I will PayPal thirty-two cents to the first person who can tell me what song my little digression is from.

Anyway, I got to work that next Tuesday and I ran into his number again in my phone. So I decided to text him. Why didn't I just leave well enough alone?

Adam: "Whaddup, it's Adam... from the train, remember me?"

Guy At Party: "Sorry sir. Been busy with work and preparing to move and just a lot of good things." How are u?"

A: "I figured as much. I thought I'd give you a lil time. I'm good. Where u movin' to?"

GAP: "[Another borough of New York City], next month. How are you?"

A: "I'm fine. A lil busy myself. I was thinking about u last night and thought I'd hit u up. So I'm sayin', when can I see u?"

GAP: "We can get together and hang as friends."

A: "So we couldn't go out on a date?"

GAP: "My boyfriend would not appreciate that."

A: "Gotcha. :)"

GAP: "Well I said we can still hang as friends."

Fuck outta here... hang as friends? Hang as friends? Say what!?! Get the fuck outta here! What kinda new fangled shit is that? (smile Dwight & kiemie) Anyway, I'm not even gonna fuck with this right now, there's more...

So I'm at another party last week. This fine ass dude walks in. I don't remember who I was standing next to but all I remember is saying to them "Dayum, who is that?" Actually, I don't think I'd ever seen him around before. That nigga was fine, he was around my height, lightskinned, toned body, and a beautiful face. DJ saw him too and he was also, definitely our type.

I watched him for a while. I wanted to see who he was talking to, who he knew, whether he came in to meet somebody, like a boyfriend of something. He didn't appear to have any romantic involvement with anyone at the party so I prepared to make my move. I sat by him, bringing over Kiemie for moral support and we all talked, me and him Kiemie and his friend. After awhile I got him alone and the eyes turned on again, mine and his. The whole time we conversed we never broke our mutual stare, there was definitely chemistry, I'm talking about mint Mentos and Diet Coke here. So much so that his friend came back and asked whether he was "interrupting something". We actually had a whole lot in common, especially our taste in music, more so than I do with the average person, which was actually really refreshing. So after talking for the better part of an hour I asked him for his number. We exchanged digits and I told him that I'd like to see him again sometime. Him and his friend left not too long after that. After exchanging two lingering embraces he left for the night. I have to admit I was a little excited. Yeah, me, excited, I shoulda known that this was gon' be trouble. I texted him the next day:

Adam (about 12 p): "I was wondering if we could do something this weekend? I'd love to chill w/ u and show you my music collection. :)"

Fine Ass Guy (about 1:30p): "I'm doing good. Sorry about not texting you. I'm at work. How are you?"

A: "It's all good. I'm home, working on my blog, tryna ask u out on a date this weekend, what's good?"

FAG: "Aww, that's so nice. I'm leavin' 4 the holiday."

A: "Aight, well when are u leavin/coming back? Maybe we can work something out. U can call me if you want if ur not still at wk."

(Did you just cringe at that statement? Because I cringed, I even threw up in my mouth a little. I reached so hard on that one that I may have dislocated my shoulder. Ouch.)

FAG: "Ok, I'll call on my break."

A: "Kewl."

1102p, 10 motherfuckin' hours later. He obviously never called. Now here's where I shoulda left well enough alone, but ya know me. I always gotta push it.

A: "Whaddup?"

The next motherfuckin' day.

A: "What's good? U harder to find than a straight man in Atlanta. I'm still tryna kick it w u... When can you fit in a little time 4 me?"

Ahhh, dignity. Only but a distant memory now.

FAG: "LOL U work today?"

A: "Nah I'm off, what about u? Can I c u before u leave?"

FAG: "Well you know I have a bf and me and him are supposed to go out when he gets off."

A: "No I didn't know that and boy is he a lucky man... Aight  then, I won't bother u. Have a good time then."

Now I see why Mr. Nederlander failed my black ass in 10th grade chemistry. I wouldn't know chemistry if the shit blew up in my face (which it does all too often). I don't understand this. Maybe I'm not seeing something, maybe I'm missing something, but please someone, anyone of you my lovely reading public answer this question for me:

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU FLIRT WITH SOMEONE AND EXCHANGE NUMBERS WITH SOMEONE KNOWING GOOD AND DAMN WELL YOU HAVE A MAN?

Maybe it's me...? Am I crazy? Am I reading too much into things? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. But, I mean, this shit is crazy. Like, did they exchange numbers with me out of pity? That's so fucked up. If you don't like me or think I'm ugly or whatever just tell me. Just be fucking honest with me. That's much easier to deal with than this. But don't give me false hope that you may want to communicate with me further on a romantic basis, if you know you don't or if you know you have a man.

And don't give me none of that friendship bullshit either. If a guy comes up to you in a club or at a party and flirts with you and asks you for your number you know good and damn well he doesn't wanna be your friend. And if you have a man you don't have no business flirting with me or giving me your number anyway.

Like, what the fuck? Was I too needy? Did I come on too strong? You meet someone at a party, you exchange numbers, you text/call the next day and set up a date. Is this not the natural progression of things anymore. Did I miss a memo or something?

You know what. Today I have to admit I miss being online. The whole online dating, A4A/BGC/M4N thing. I've been doing the whole Puritanical, meeting people the organic way shit for what like three, four months now and it's bullshit, pure fucking bullshit. At least when I log on to the fucking internet I know what the fuck I'm getting. Hi, Hi, ur cute, ur cute too, okay, alright, let's date/talk/fuck, okay. And if you don't like somebody you just don't return their message like a fucking compassionate human being. All of this splendor in the privacy of my motherfucking home. I have half a mind to say fuck it and go the hell back. Fuck these Puritanical bitches, they can turn their noses up at me all they want 'cuz they asses is lonely too.

This is such bullshit. Men are all fucking bullshit. Fuck 'em all, damn them all to hell, the whole fucking evil lot of them. Fuck this, I'm going to me something to eat... Where's my cuddle-buddy?

==========
Playing In The Backg...
OH, FUCK THE FUCKING BACKGROUND MUSIC!
==========

PS: Oh and fuck the bitch who says I bring this on myself and is all on that "it's what you put out there", snap-snap, "Love Jones", coffeehouse, neo-soul, tofu-soy eating, poetry reading, universal energy, mystical bullshit. Like I go looking for this shit! Fuck you bitch!

As of late I've been on a quest, not to find sex or a boyfriend, but to find genuine intimacy between myself and another man, a foundation to maybe build something more off of in the future and/or good times and a warm body to snuggle up to in the present. To be close to someone and to get to know him genuinely without the uncertainty of dating, the complication of sex and the expectation of a relationship. To put this idea in action I've adopted the idea of having a "cuddle-buddy" (as Rocafella07 would call it).

A cuddle-buddy is a special friend that you would treat like any other friend, except that this particular friend is someone you also share affectionate moments with. Cuddling, snuggling, caressing, spooning, maybe even some kissing, making out and heavy petting. The point is that you are not in a relationship with this person (at least not yet, if ever), but the person should be a friend and someone you expect to see somewhat regularly. You can go out and do things with the person but it wouldn't necessarily be considered dating. You also are not having sex with this person (at least at this point, if ever) and of course you both should be single. Most importantly, the cuddle-buddy friendship is to be non-complicated.

This definition of what a cuddle-buddy is is basic. The coolest thing about having a cuddle buddy though is the fact that these rules (except for the sex rule) can bend and fluctuate for each specific pair of buddies. The key is communication. What are we okay and not okay with? Unlike being in a relationship where we tend to assume and infer things instead of talking, this friendship is all about talking. You and your buddy eventually should be talking about things such as exclusivity and multiple buddies, what happens when a buddy finds a boyfriend, do we as buddies even look for boyfriends, how far does our physical contact go, etc. It's all about the dialogue between you two. Most importantly you should always be having a good time. The day it's not fun anymore and becomes hard work is the day it should end.

I'm finding in my case that it's better when nobody knows who your cuddle-buddy is. The anonymity will enable your friendship to exist without the scrutiny of others, allowing you and your buddy to concentrate on intimacy and getting to know each other (it's kinda like a derivative of my one month rule). I think that the time with your cuddle buddy should be yours alone and be somewhat of an escape from your everyday worlds. And if perhaps things don't work out between you or you decide to downgrade your involvement to regular friends it won't be a public spectacle. On the other hand if you decide to upgrade to an exclusive dating, or relationship thing at least you can be confident in the fact that your decision was unaffected by the opinions of others and you'd have that firm buddy foundation to build from.

The hard thing about having a cuddle-buddy is your dicks, the dicks are gonna get hard. It's hard to repeatedly lay up with an attractive guy and not have sex, especially if you both want it. To maintain a cuddle-buddy relationship you must absolutely not have sex, maybe a little oral as a part of some extended foreplay after a while, but definitely not intercourse, NO INTERCOURSE. The whole point of the cuddle-buddy thing is to remove sex from the equation and concentrate on intimacy. Roles such as top, bottom, and versatile don't even come into play at this stage. It seems like as men we all know how to talk fucking to each other but we don't know how to fucking talk to each other.

If you do have intercourse, outside the confines of a relationship then you have then upped the ante and become "fuck-buddies". There's nothing wrong with having a fuck-buddy, and your cuddle-buddy relationship may even evolve in that direction after a while, but at that stage none of the cute little cuddle-buddy rules apply anymore. Fuck-buddies are dealing with much more serious physical and emotional risks and should be abiding by a much more stringent set of rules. Also the decision to abstain from sex must be mutual. One buddy cannot feel that the other buddy is depriving them of anything, then the arrangement won't work.

And that's just about it. I'm trying something new and it's workin out pretty good so far. Hopefully Rocafella07, the "cuddle-buddy" phenomenon will catch on in '08.

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Playing In The Background...
"B.U.D.D.Y."
by Musiq Soulchild
from the album "Loveanmusiq"
==========

I woke up this morning next to someone I did not have any sexual contact with again. I was having a vulnerable night last night and after some counsel from my new friend we fell asleep in each other's arms. It was everything a normal sleep over first date would be but without the sex and once again I don't feel like I've missed anything.

I think I'm catching on to a new phenomenon here. I did this same exact thing almost a month ago, (remember the post I wrote about that?) and have done it a few times since. It's like I'm getting everything I need without the pleasure and complication of sex. We actually had a beautiful night last night. We talked and laughed and shared our experiences. We were attracted to each other physically but it's not a love connection and that's okay. He actually has some friends he wants to hook me up with. Shit, it's about damn time somebody hooks me up. A lot of long-lasting meaningful relationships start through hookups through friends so I'm actually kinda excited.

I have to admit though, my dick hardened a little a few times as we spooned through the night and hands traveled a bit but that I just chalk up to male curiosity. Gay or straight behind all of our designer labels, our careers and the fabulous lives we've created for ourselves we're all still little boys wondering "Is his thing bigger than my thing?" Yeah, there was a little bit of sexual tension, but that was only due to the fact that we were two attractive gay men in bed together. We woke this morning as friends and its the coolest thing. I'm glad that we didn't needlessly give in to our physical urges and ruin shit. Last night seems like one of those things we'll sit and laugh about someday.

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Playing In The Background...
"Friend To Friend"
by Diana Ross
from the album "Diana"
==========

Life is a series of moments. Yesterday was not one of my best moments. I hadn't taken the time to mourn a recent involvement and it all just came down on me like a ton of bricks, hence the emotional vulnerability of that particular blog post. I just wanna let everyone know that I'm okay and I thank you all for your comments and well wishes and stories and concern and advice. You are great, all of you. I awake this morning feeling a million times better, having said all I needed to say.

I guess you just need to take the time to let it out sometimes.

-Adam

PS: Don't feel bad if you send me a long email or make a long comment on the blog. I LOVE THE LONG EMAILS AND COMMENTS! The longer the better! I love to read your thoughts. I appreciate the fact that you would even take the time to even comment at such length.

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Playing in The Background...
"Work In Progress (Growing Pains)"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
==========

"It's not an easy thing to do
Sometimes it's hard to face the truth
It's not the life that I would choose
But what else can I do if he don't love me
If he don't want me
I'm not about to sit around [and] let myself go..."
-Tamia
from the song "Smile"

Last night I went to Baron's birthday party at Alibi. You probably didn't see me because I arrived fashionably late, after midnight and by that time you had already left. But I was there, laughing and joking, talking and networking, eating ungodly amounts of birthday cake and having a really good time. Then me and Dwight left there and ended up at Chi Chiz on Christopher Street (Don't judge me okay, the drinks are cheap and it's the only black gay bar open that late on a Wednesday night. So what it's where all the old queens go to die.), we were meeting his boyfriend there. I got fucked up, I mean really fucked up. So fucked up that I was leaning on a chair in the back of Chi Chiz singing lyrics to Tweet's song "Drunk". "I'd rather be drunk, on a cloud away from here..." Those drinks were cheap but strong.

We left there and I stumbled my drunk ass up Christopher Street to that pizza shop by the 1 train where I inhaled a lukewarm slice topped with pepperoni, ground beef, and ricotta and then we rode the A train uptown. On my wobbly-ass walk from the train station as Mary J. Blige's "Work In Progress (Growing Pains)" blasted from my iPod and I drunkenly sung along, I realized that as good as my life is, I'm still not there yet. In the solitude of my rickety gait up 8th Avenue I also realized that all the pain I'd managed to sweep under the proverbial rug of life in the past few weeks is starting to make lumps.

Lately I've been so busy, writing two blogs, working full time, networking, going to parties, building websites. Keeping this grueling schedule doesn't even allow me much time to sleep. The work is paying off but the compensation isn't the only reason why I've been doing so much. Keeping myself busy is my way of not thinking about my love life, or rather the lack thereof. I figure if I just become a success none of the love shit will matter anymore. Mr. Right will be easy to find once I have money in the bank and a couple of books published. It's only when I have a brief lapse between performing all the tasks that I've chosen medicate myself with that it all comes back to me.

I miss Pubby. I know I shouldn't, I have no real reason to. He was never particularly good to me or good for me, but I do. I'm stupid I guess. I miss his smile and the dinners I cooked for him that we had together and all the times we had sex and cuddled and the things we laughed at and how we were so different from each other. I miss the way he felt in my arms and how peaceful he looked when he was asleep. As fucked up as it turned out there were some good times.

It was so easy for him to walk away from me, like I was nothing, like what we had was nothing. I guess it was nothing. He probably hasn't even given a second thought about me since the last time we spoke and here I am making yet another post on my blog about him. I erased his number from my phone, even though I know it by heart. He's online now, I see him on my buddy list. I guess I forgot to delete him from there. I'd die before I IM him though. A very small part of me wants to but I refuse to let go of my dignity like that.

He hurt me so much. The weather outside is horrible and I don't feel like doing anything today. I'm trying to work and I can't even concentrate, fuckin' bastard. Why did I have to fall for him the way I did? Why couldn't he just want me as much as I wanted him. Damn it, I knew better. I saw all the fuckin' signs but I chose to ignore and now off the cliff I go. I gotta snap outta this shit though because I don't have time to be depressed. I've got way too much work to do. The truth is that Pubby doesn't want me anymore. It was what it was. I just gotta accept it and move on.

And that sex I had 20 days ago I shoulda never had it. He was there, I was there, he pounced on me so I figured fuck it. I would give him what he wanted and I'd get a nutt too, why not? I wasn't over Pubby, obviously, but it just felt good to have someone desire me. But anyway, I'll get over this. I'll be okay. It feels really good to have let all this out.

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Playing In The Background...
"Smile"
by Tamia
from the album "More"
and
"Drunk"
by Tweet
from the album "Southern Hummingbird"
and
"Work In Progress (Growing Pains)"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
==========

"It's just a fling baby, fling baby
Nothing more than a fling baby, fling baby
Just a bit of ding-a-ling baby, bling baby
Don't want relationships so swing baby, swing baby..."
-Girls Aloud
from the song "Fling"

Now that I'm single and not dating anyone, sex has become more sporadic than usual. I guess that's not so terrible in the final scheme of things, I just can't count on getting it the way I used to, ya know? And I'm not doing the internet thing anymore so that counts that out. Basically, if I don't meet somebody decent while I'm out it's just not gonna happen for me. And if the heavens open up and the stars align and I do end up getting me some, more often than not it's with someone I'm being intimate with the first time and will more than likely never see again.

I've learned from past experience though that when dealing with casual sex, honesty is the best policy. I have to admit, every dude I've ever fucked with isn't exactly the man of my dreams. A lot of the time I'm horny, he's there and I'm there and the shit just pops off. I'm sure I haven't been all that every dude I've ever fucked with dreams of either. I mean, hey, we all got needs, sometimes the opportunity presents itself and it's like hey, what the fuck? Why the hell not? But what's messed up is when we lull anyone, or knowingly allow anyone to lull themselves into believing that it's more than just what it is.

I used to be one of those people who thought that just because I fucked someone that they were my boyfriend. Awww, c'mon admit it, you we're too. You didn't just magically become the learned, cosmopolitan, wise-beyond-your-months (yes months, a month is a homo year), homo you are today. You were innocent, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed once before Raheem, Rahliek, Chad or whoever it was with a big dick and/or fat ass and a smile ("...that boy is poison, p-p-poison"), broke your heart and turned you into a bitter, jaded queen who doesn't believe in love anymore, remember?

I've been the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed (ewww forgive the pun, I just got into that) homo and unfortunately I've been Raheem as well. Being a little more experienced now every so often I find myself in the presence of one of those homos who I know if I fuck them they're gonna get attached to me. I used to just think, fuck it, I wanna hit, you gonna let me hit, we'll iron out the other shit later. Isn't it funny how hurting people hurt people? I was once hurt by a fly by night Chad, and now I've become one. How fucked up is that vicious circle? All I cared about was getting my nutt, going into the shit knowing that the person is gonna be open for me and knowing that I don't even feel the person like that. A lot of the time I would just ignore that feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me what I'm doing is wrong. Do you know how many times I've done that shit? And how many times it's been done to me?

Recently I was in a situation where I was, well, I guess dating someone. It was a sexual thing we had going on. We'd see each other, we'd go out, or we'd just chill at the crib but at the end of the night we'd have sex. Not just sex, really good motherfuckin' sex, we'd fuck like wild animals. He had this angelic face and seemed so innocent in the streets but when I got him in the bedroom he was such a freak, just the way I liked it. If I had to give a Lil' Kim reference I'd say "the way he sucked my dick, he had me head over heels..." I get hard just thinking about the positions I'd have him in, the way he'd ride me, the way I used to hit it from the back and watch my dark brown dick impale his fat little light-skinned ass, to hit it missionary and watch his face twitch in ecstasy as he moaned my name, called me "Daddy" and told me that my dick was "the best he'd ever had". Ahhh the memories... He felt the same way I felt, about the sex that is, I mean it was fuckin' great. He told me that I know what he likes without him even having to tell me, as though we'd had sex before, like in another life or something. Unfortunately his compliment stroked more than just my ego. Somewhere in the midst of the moans and groans and the rhythm of our contorted bodies giving each other pleasure, my feelings got mixed up in there. And somewhere in the process I stopped just fucking him and started making love.

I really started to like him and I believe he liked me, as a person, hey why not? I'm a nice guy, but he wasn't developing that type of feelings for me and as much as I tried not to see it, I knew good and damn well. Things were uneven... again, what a terribly familiar feeling this is. I'd text him and if he didn't text me right back I'd think he was uninterested. I wanted to talk to him but I didn't wanna call too much. If I called him every time he was on my mind, I'd never be off the phone. What was he doing? Where was he? I was like Blu Cantrell, "looking at the phone as if it owed me a favor..." I hope he's not fucking somebody else, or rather letting somebody else fuck him. Why doesn't he fuckin' call me?

"Though I know what I love most of him
I'm walking on needles and pins
My addiction to the worst of him..."
-Feist
from the song "Brandy Alexander"

Our thing cooled off even more after a while, as all things do, as all uneven-made-up-in-your-imagination things do, we got busy, he more than I, we started seeing each other less and less and then talking less and less and then meetings started getting postponed and canceled. Days would go by without us talking and it started to become real apparent that my feelings were unrequited. He was my priority, while I was obviously only an option for him. So I decided to just cut him off, he was unhealthy for me. I was tired of feeling for someone who didn't feel for me, that was my love life story. So I made a declaration, it's over between us, fuck you, you know I'm feeling you and you don't feel me, lose my number, he apologized, I melted, we saw each other again, he sucked my dick, we talked, we cuddled, damn he's so fuckin fine, nothing changed, things got worse, he got even more distant, I declared again, fuck you, lose my number, I mean it this time, he apologized, I forgave him, he never took full responsibility for his actions, he made me take part of the blame, he tricked me, I resented him, I made him answer a question, the big question, the one I already knew the answer to, "How do you really feel about me?", he answered, I was angry, why didn't he tell me? Why did he let me fuck him all those times? Why did he come to my house, and eat my food, and lie in my bed, and smile my smiles, and laugh my laughs, and listen to my stories, and waste my time? He knew how I felt. I'm such an idiot. I cut him off for real after that time. I was desperate so I took a desperate measure. I erased his number from my phone. I told him all I thought of him via text message, all I had felt but had been afraid to say because I thought I'd lose him. He texted me the next day and I didn't even look at it. I deleted it. I didn't want to read his apology, or his explanation, or his insults. Because then I would have to say something back, and then he'd say something back, and then I'd day something back, and it'd start all over again. He was poison and I had to quit him before he killed me. I was fighting for my emotions, fighting for my life. I couldn't fall into him again. So I walked away. I took solace in the fact that walking away had gotten a lot easier than it used to be.

I wasn't as mad with him as I was at me. How could I fall for another Rahliek? I knew better but I couldn't help myself. What I am mad at him for though is the fact that he just didn't tell me that he was uninterested as soon as felt like he was uninterested? Why did I have to drag it out of him? Why didn't he just say Adam, we fucked, that was fine and good but I'm just not interested in you like that? What's so wrong with that? Why did he apologize when I was ready to walk away? Why couldn't he just let me go? He didn't want me anyway. I don't get it. As soon as I got all strong and confident and was ready to walk away he made me melt again, why? Why did he tell me all of those sweet things? Well I guess those questions will remain unanswered because I never plan on speaking to Pubby or answering any of his correspondences again, at least until I feel I'm totally over him. I know it's petty and not very mature or evolved but I gotta look out for number one this time, everybody else fuckin' does it. I just can't risk falling for this dude again.

I shoulda listened when I was told to leave him alone, that he was no good for me, that he was playing games and that I deserve more. Y'all, the readers of my blog, my guardian angels, people who don't even know me, with nothing to lose or gain one way or the other were hitting me up and telling me this. I guess it's like in the words of Tennessee Williams "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers." Thanks guys. I'ma finally get it one of these days.

On the other hand, in my recent involvement with Winston. I've noticed that he seems to be developing feelings for me rather quickly. So in everything we do I'm being real patient with him, telling him to slow down, get to know me, don't do so much so soon. We've had sex, it was very consensual, we both wanted it, he more than I though. He literally jumped on me and started ripping my clothes off. That was hot, but even with that I'm not 100% sure how I feel about him yet or how I want to proceed. He's cool, but I'm not necessarily looking for a boyfriend right now. I make sure that I'm straight up and honest with him at all times because I don't want to be to him what Pubby was to me. I'm aware of how easy it can be to lull yourself into a false sense of security with someone and I just won't allow  him to do that and as a result, no one is hurt. When fucking, honesty is the best fucking policy.

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Playing In The Background...
"Fling"
by Girls Aloud
from the album "Tangled Up"
and
"Brandy Alexander"
by Feist
from the album "The Reminder"
and
"Catching Feelings"
by Faith Evans
from the album "The First Lady"
==========

People are really funny about their friends. Far too often I've been in situations with present and former friends where I meet a friend of theirs and their friend is attracted to me and I to the friend but my friend doesn't want us to date. I always wonder why, why friend can't I date your friend? I mean, we're friends, right? What's the big deal? Why have you forbidden me from this fruit? Don't they realize that that's only gonna make us want each other more? Forbidden fruit is always the best tasting fruit (wink, wink).

When faced with this obstacle, this sanction between me and the one with who I'm newly infatuated, I usually go against my friend's wishes and date the person anyway. My stubborn, independent nature doesn't allow for me to abide by such an edict. It actually pisses me off that my friend would even come at me in such a way anyway, as I have never, haven't ever, and would never mind if things were the other way around. As much as I'm gay and evolved and in touch with my feminine side I can be very macho (Leo, King Of The Jungle) at times and that kinda thing I take (sometimes wrongly, but not always) as a strategy to exert control over me and I never take kindly to that. I mean, shit, you my friend and all but you ain't my fuckin' father! I fuck who the fuck I wanna fuck so fuck you. As a result my sociable dick has lost me a few friends.

A good example is the termination of my friendship with my ex-best friend Chuck. I've mentioned him a few times namely here, here, and here. One major blow to our friendship was the fact that I fucked and subsequently dated two of his friends, people I met through him, after being told not to do so. I took Chuck's instruction not to date his friends very offensively, as though he were trying to control my life. In his case I think he was trying to control me, that withstanding, what I've learned from that experience is that friendships are kinda like relationships, but without the sex (at least for most people), you gotta compromise. Even though I would never hinder friends of mine from dating and I personally see it as a great thing, especially if two people that I brought together find love and stay together, I'd only be concerned about whose side I'm gonna sit on at the commitment ceremony myself, but I digress. People have their own reasons to do what they do and believe what they believe and even though I may not understand the rationale behind it and think that it's absolutely absurd I also realize that if I really value that person's friendship then I may have to acquiesce, roll with the punches, and take one for the team from time to time. And if I really feel like it's that serious then I'll do what I want but at the risk of losing the friendship. 'Cuz honestly, if I didn't get the chance to stick my dick inside my friend's friend, I'd live. The real question is how much is the friendship worth to me?

That brings us to Thursday night. I was at Mr. Man's party at Duvet. I arrived at about 2:30a, fashionably late as usual. I'm standing by the bar sipping on my drink, cranberry vodka, minding my own business while Mr. Man went off to make his rounds through the crowd. That's when I saw Freddy. Freddy is someone I met at a networking event a few weeks ago. He is a friend of my friend, we'll call my friend, Devin. Using "Sex And The City" terms, I would describe Devin and Freddy as "frenemies". Frenemeies are friends that are cordial and somewhat loyal to each other but still have issues with the things that they don't like about each other. Those things they usually never hesitate to point out to others, especially if an inquiry is made about their friend. I wouldn't go so far as to say that they're fake friends, but as the adage goes, keep your friends close and your enemies even closer.

The day I first met Freddy he was very flirtatious, dropping not-so subtle sexual innuendo and double entendre throughout our conversation. That conversation also included Devin, who looked at Freddy in disgust, sick to his stomach at his friend's coquettish ways with someone he had been introduced to only minutes prior. Once Freddy left, Devin filled me in on the years of his and Freddy's history as friends. As Devin spinned it, Freddy's promiscuous ways had come between Devin and his other friends time and time before. It was to a point where Devin didn't even like to bring Freddy around his other friends anymore. This meeting was unfortunately unavoidable. As Devin talked I felt it coming, the passion in his voice, the frustration in his face, the subdued anger in his mannerisms, here it comes... here it comes... oh fuck! The edict:

"Adam, I don't care who you fuck with but you cannot fuck Freddy. If you fuck Freddy I swear I will never speak to you again."

Dammit! Not this shit again. So now I have to add Freddy to the list of people that I should legally, within my rights as an American be able to fuck (well, at least in most in most states) but cannot because my friend doesn't want me to. I mean like, what's the big fuckin' deal? I never understood this shit. I have yet in all my 24 years to tell a friend that they can't fuck somebody. Why cock block? Why hate?

Normally I would have been tight about this sorta thing but I figure that the friendship between Devin and I is good, why cause undue friction over a piece of ass? It's not like Freddy was "the one" or somethin', all he wanted from me was a ride on my dick. Granted, Freddy was sexy, my type, and a freak and I know the sex would be off the hook (his reputation precedes him) and although it'd probably be one night only, no strings attached, it wasn't worth fucking up a friendship with someone I see every other day. So I didn't sweat it and even though I didn't understand why it was such a big deal I shut my mouth, compromised and took this one for the team.

Back to Thursday night. I saw Freddy, we exchanged glances and then smiles and then he walked over to me. We exchanged normal club small talk, the-whaddups, the how-you-beens, the how-long-you-been-heres, we even talked about Devin and his where abouts that evening. He finally got me alone and it didn't take Freddy long to get down to the nitty-gritty.

"Why don't you fuck me so you can write about it on your blog tomorrow?"

"Huh?"

I said, pretending like I hadn't heard him as I over dramatized my tipsy-ness. This nigga is crazy, but it's so fuckin' hot though. Freddy looked back at me seductively, licking his chops like he was a ferocious lion and I was an unassuming, (kinda) innocent little lamb, and I'm supposed to be the Leo here. If he coulda took me in the bathroom right then I believe he would have.

"Shit, we can go in the bathroom right now..."

"Huh?"

I replied, totally dumbfounded and confused. I'm tipsy, this sexy ass dude wants me to fuck him at my ex-boyfriend's party, I'm horny as shit, I promised Devin I wouldn't do it, and even if I did try to do it on the low and swear Freddy to secrecy he's gonna eventually tell Devin, because they're frenemies and Freddy's just that kinda bitch.

"See that's whats wrong with y'all. Niggas is always scared..."

Now he's challenging my manhood, on some reverse psychology shit. Is there like some kinda coquette handbook that he's reading this shit from? 'Cuz the shit works, we exchanged numbers. Although I still wasn't planning to fuck him and I didn't save his number in my phone I didn't wanna look like a total pussy. Hopefully he wouldn't call, and if he did I just wouldn't answer the phone.

I saw Devin again Friday night. While we were out I told him about Freddy's advances at the club. I also reassured him that I wouldn't mess with Freddy because he told me not to. He told me that it was whatever and that he didn't care whether I fucked Freddy or not anymore. I don't believe him though.

It's Sunday and Freddy hasn't called.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"None Of Your Business"
by Salt-N-Pepa
from the album "Very Necessary"
and
"What About Your Friends"
by TLC
from the album "Ooooooohhh...On the TLC Tip"
==========