Dating: February 2008 Archives

So I went on a date Valentine's night. I can't really describe it as a Valentine's Day date so much as a first date that just happened to have taken place on Valentine's Day, a total coincidence. The guy I went out with was the one I told you guys about the other day, the one I met a few weeks ago and saw at the HIV/AIDS discussion forum in Greenwich Village last week. He's really cute, totally my type, sexy, very smart and into helping the community, which is doubly sexy, and a dancer, which makes him flexible and that's triple-ly (yes, I just made up that word) sexy, and I know that will come in handy whenever we, well, you know, have sex. So for that reason, we're gonna call this one, Mr. Bojangles.

Bojangles and I met up Thursday night and ended up dining at Cafe Mozart on the Upper West Side. Once seated inside the cafe, cheezily decorated with corny Valentine's shit, we talked over our endive salads. I found out during the convo that he was attracted to me before I even approached him. The eye contact was good, he looked good, definitely my type. I could definitely see myself being something with this dude. The conversation eventually veered toward sex, as it always does and that's when he dropped the bomb on me. He told me that he was a virgin, yes a virgin, like he's never had sex before, virgin. I couldn't breathe. I held it together, but I couldn't breathe. You mean to tell me that this fine ass dude is a virgin. You know what that means... I ain't gettin' none no time soon, if ever. You know how virgins in their 20's are. They're all prudish, judgmental, sterile, and cold and don't like sex, they're weird. I mean they can't really like it because if they liked it so much they woulda had it already, ya know? And I mean, well you know, y'all know I'm a sexual person. He said he read my blog but did he really read it? I'm not necessarily tryna bone on the first date but I can't be with a dude who doesn't like sex. I mean, what he's doing is admirable. He went into the whole "I'm saving myself for the one I'm in love with" thing and that's all well and good but I don't know...

So I'm thinking, this is gonna be our first and last date. A dude like me can't possibly roll with no virgin. But I stayed cool, calmed down and got into the fact that Bojangles is a quality dude. He has everything I'm looking for, looks, brains, body, his work/school schedule works with mine, and he's really doing his thing as far as his career is concerned and most importantly, he's really likes me. Maybe he's the other half of the power couple I've always wanted to be in. There's no need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I mean, at the end of the day, how important is sex anyway? Honestly, I haven't even been having sex much lately. Shyt, I been fucking all these years and what has it gotten me? So hey, everything happens for a reason. Just then my brain and my heart outvoted my dick and I decided to give homeboy a try. I mean, if we fall in love we're gonna be having sex anyway so what's the big deal if I have to wait a while for it. At least I got a quality dude that I can step out on the scene with and be confident that every dude in the place hasn't been with him and that's more than worth the wait. And I can't lie, a lesser part of me does really want to be the first to tap that, whenever he's ready, that is.

Even with that, I'm not sure exactly how this thing between me and Bojangles would work. I'm gonna feel him out a bit more, figuratively and literally and see. After the cafe we went to the 24hr Apple Store on Fifth Avenue, where I bought a new iPod. From there we got in a cab back uptown. When he got out of the cab we didn't kiss. I figured with him being a virgin he probably didn't kiss on the first date. I was right. When I got home he texted me, letting me know what a good he had. I had a good time as well. We even made plans for a second date.

On the second date, the next night I got a kiss, four of them. I was kinda apprehensive about going for it at first but I'm glad I did. It was electric. I like him. I told him that I was cool with waiting for sex, however long it took, but I also kept it real and told him that in order for me to be able to abstain with him that I would need to see him... a lot. I would need to have my mind fairly consumed with him. Like they say "an idle mind the devil's workshop." He couldn't be but so neglectful of me partly because I'm a Leo and I like attention and being with him, talking to him, knowing that he's there for me is the best way to insure that nothing happens. It's not that I don't have self control but every little bit of help helps. Nothing's set in stone yet but I could definitely see myself chillin' with Bojangles.

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Playing In The Background...
"The Show"
by Girls Aloud
from the album "What Will The Neighbours Say"
and
"Virginity"
by TG4
from the album "Time For The New"
and
"Virgin"
by Chico DeBarge
from the album "Long Time No See"
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Hey Everybody,

I just wanted to start by saying HAPPY VALENTINES DAY to you all. This is the first one we are spending together. Many of us, including me are single on this day but that's no reason to feel bad. At the Helmsley Hotel (of the Leona fame) they are throwing an anti-Valentine's Day bash tonight where people are encouraged to bring pictures of their exes to be placed in a large shredder. Models will also be on hand for partygoers to take pictures with so that they can send them to their exes, making it look as though they have a hot new boyfriend or girlfriend. See, this, even though it's all under the guise of fun is unnecessary. It's bitterness. If you are single today there's no reason to lash out on the holiday or on people who are in relationships. In fact, I've never had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day and that's okay. Instead of staying home tonight, being all bitter and over it go out to a bar or hang out with friends or call someone up an schedule a date for tonight, it's not even noon yet. Besides, there are so many singles functions going on tonight that you may even find yourself a new date. And if you decide to stay home, I mean, this is a work night, pamper yourself. Run that bubble bath you never have the time to take, buy yourself some chocolates or a new outfit, be good to you today, call your family and tell them how much you love them.

So, being the proactive, "walka, not a talka" person that I am, I managed to book myself a date for this evening. It's our first date, I don't know him all that well. We first met at a discussion event a few weeks ago after which I gave him my card and he hit me up on FaceBook. I saw him again last night at an open forum on HIV/AIDS prevention for black gay men. We exchanged numbers and after few subsequent text messages I asked him out on a date. He seems really nice and from what I've seen is pretty involved in the community. Despite the heavy expectations of love on Valentine's, the date is gonna be real light,  coffee, dessert and conversation. Of course, I'll let you know how that goes.

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Playing In The Background...
"Happy Valentine's Day"
by Outkast
from the album "Speakerboxx/The Love Below"
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Hey everybody. I'm back. Thanks for holding me and the blog down while I was gone.

-Adam
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Remember that guy I told you about (in this post), the one I met last week? It's over. Yes, over before it even had a chance to begin. Let me tell you why.

When we meet people, like people, look to date people, there's certain things we want them to know. Stuff, you know, like their ABC's, how to talk, social graces, mingling, speaking to people, how to dress, how to fuck, or in my case, be fucked, how to suck dick, you know, all the things we like, everybody's different. The person could be damn near perfect, knowing everything and doing everything right. But I've seen time and time again that the one thing that can burst your bubble, that can pull the rug right up under you, that can pop the helium balloon of bliss you two are floating on is who you know. What's crazy is that in the largest city of the most powerful country in the world, with one of the largest black gay communities in the world that everybody knows everybody and the chances of you or your date having coincidental relationship or sexual overlap is damn near unavoidable.

So, yeah, I liked him but he knew somebody. He admitted it to me last night. He's friends with an ex of mine who is now a friend of mine and even though I'm not giving you much detail, trust me, going further with our relationship would definitely put a strain on the relationship between me and my friend. So I had a decision to make. A year ago I probably would have said, fuck it, he's cute, I like him, my friend will get over it. But today, I realize that possibly wrecking the great friendship with my ex that we worked so hard to attain after our breakup really wasn't worth it, even if the guy is cute. Who knows how me and the new date will feel about each other in two weeks? By then I could be over him or he could be over me, and then what? You know how the homos are. So I broke it off.

Last night, instead of bunking with a cute guy I snuggled up under the covers with my maturity. Bah humbug.

So that brings me to this week's poll question: Would you date a friend's ex? Vote in the poll below and tell us your opinion in the comments section.

Every week I will update the blog with a new poll question.
Click here to check out all the previous Adam's Web Log Polls.

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Playing In The Background...
"No More Drama (P. Diddy Remix)
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "No More Drama"
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PS: And you best believe I told my friend about this. Adam ain't nobody's fool.

"Bros over hoes," the age old pact between straight male friends that puts the value of their friendship above that of romantic relationships with women, or in this case, hoes. The concept seems to work so well for them, at least while the males are still young and not ready to marry. The partakers in this pact seem to realize that relationships, lusts and infatuations come and go but the brotherly bond between men can last a lifetime. It seems as though this is never the case for gay men, at least from what I've seen.

How many times have your gay friends ditched you for some date? How many times have your gay friends canceled plans with you for some date? How many times has a gay friend tried to flirt with, act sexually inappropriate toward, slept with, or straight up tried to steal your date? Not to mention the friends you've ditched, the plans with friends you've canceled and the friends dates you've slept with or stolen. Uh huh, thought so. I guess "bros over hoes" don't work so well when all the hoes are bros and vice versa.

The sad thing about all this though is the apparent absence of strong friendships between gay men. Is it all just a farce? Are our gay male friends really our friends or just people were not attracted to enough to sleep with or perhaps even just someone to keep us company between relationships? For many of us, our whole world seems to revolve around the presence or absence of a man. As much as we don't like to admit it, maybe we as gay men are more like the stereotypical straight woman than we think.

Comedienne, Mo'nique said in one of her televised comedy shows something to the effect of "When I leave, all the bitches in the house leave..." talking about how she doesn't trust other women around her man up to and including her Mama! While this bit got big laughs from the audience it exhibits a very serious problem that's no laughing matter. This sort of mistrust between women obviously can't be applied to all, but it's prevalence can't be denied. I'm sure we all know at least one woman that has exhibited this sort of behavior toward other women before as we also know at least one gay man who doesn't trust other gay men around his man, sounding familiar?

What's the main thing you see girls in the hood, girls on talk shows, and the girls you know fighting about? Men. He's my man, bitch! Don't look at my man, bitch! You can't have my man, bitch! That bitch tried to steal my man. The absence or presence of a man has split up the bonds between women all throughout the ages, aunts and nieces, mothers and daughters, sisters, shit, my sisters, they had a big falling out over a man last year. Often in a love triangle situation involving two straight women and a man the blame for it all is never even placed on the man, even though he's the cause of it all.

That same triangular situation between two straight male friends and a woman will usually turn out a little differently. Once the woman is found to be sleeping with both male parties involved they will usually write her off as a "ho", "a trick", or "just a piece of ass", give each other a pound/dap/hand shake, compare stories, have a beer and move the hell on. Even if the two straight men fight, that anger is usually only momentary, unlike the endless grudges, animosity, and shade that the gay men and straight women hold on to toward each other long after a situation has run its course. Looking at both situations it's quite peculiar that if a love triangle played out between three gay men that more than likely the two gay friends response would be more like that of the two straight women than that of the two straight men. When it happened to you what was your response like? Crazy, huh?

Relationships between gay men are so intense, yet fragile. The begin so suddenly, develop so quickly and break so easily. How many times have we let the men we love, like, stalk, date, obsess over, fuck, or let fuck us turn our whole world upside down, forsaking all others, friends, family, work, ourselves just to be with them? Lord knows I have. It's to the point now where if me or any one of my close friends gets with a guy we as the friends basically expect to be shafted for the date. How sad is that? We, me, you, I have to remember that life goes on whether we have a boyfriend or not and that no one's life should revolve so much around a person, boyfriend or friend that their presence makes or breaks us.

At the end of the day it's all about balance, bros don't have to necessarily be over hoes or vice versa. We just have to learn how to spread ourselves a little more evenly and not neglect anyone. While enjoying the splendor and excitement of a romantic relationship, especially when its new, we can't forget about our friends. Because once the date is long gone, I mean that is if things don't work out of course, your real friends are gonna be there for you, just like mine are there for me. Now I've gotta start taking my own advice.

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Playing In The Background...
"Over A Man"
by Sharissa
from the album "No Half Steppin'"
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