So I'm talking to someone new and like all men, he found a new way to fuck shit up, you know with the usual selfish bullshit, story of my blog, story of my life, blah, blah, blah, so not going into details. I can drive down this road with my eyes closed at this point. Just when it seems like things are going well... Whatever, I'm used to it now. This morning as I left his house, pissed that I left my jacket that I'll have to end up having to back come and get later, totally fucking up my dramatic Hollywood exit and even more pissed at developing a tickle in my throat due to this unpredictable spring weather here in New York and the fact that he must sleep under air conditioning, even though it's not even that hot.
I got home and got a call from Derrick (Thank God for good-good girlfriends and bro-sises, what would we ever do without them?) and as we updated each other on our individual situations I began to contemplate on what it's all about, relationships that is and why I even bother anymore, ya know? Just then I began to realize that maybe the simple things that I expect and then reluctantly have to ask repeatedly and damn near beg for from a man may just really be too much for them to handle. At that moment I gave up. I let go of all expectations of finding a man and being happy with him. As much as I don't want to become a bitter, jaded, defeated queen I'm just tired of my story being so tragic. It's like every blog post lately if it's not one of my many shining achievements it's "he did this to me", "he did that..." it's so tragic. I mean, damn, aren't y'all tired of reading that shit, I know I'm damn sure tired of writing it and living it. I remember when my blog used to be fun and people used to laugh. Lately it's just been a downer.
I'm thinking it's because I feel so much. I'm nice, I'm sensitive, I'm loving. It makes me happy to help and love people, especially those who I'm with. I'm letting my heart drive the car and I keep crashing into shit or rather letting shit crash into me, like Janet Jackson or some shit. "I shoulda stopped at the redlight cuz, now I'm like a deer caught in headlights..." "He crashed into my heart..."
A friend of mine at a major publishing house sent me a book called "A$$hole: How I Got Rich And Happy By Not Giving A Damn About Anyone" by Martin Kihn. It's the true story of a man who much like me was a nice guy, trying to make everybody happy, trying not to offend anyone. As a result he was living a mediocre existence, much like the one I swore on this very blog that I wouldn't live. I haven't finished the book yet but the overall message is that people who are little more assertive about their shit and even a little bitchy and asshole-ish about it get what they want in life by being a thinker and not a feeler. As a result I don't feel that it's them, it's him, it's her that hurts or is hurting me as much as I allow myself to be hurt by exposing vulnerable parts of myself to those theys, hims, and hers. They don't expose those parts to me and that's how come they can walk away from me unscathed while I'm drinking until I puke and writing dark poetry, but I digress. One of my secret goals this year was to be a little more bitchy and asshole-ish with people and I have to say that it's been working for me.
As I continued talking with Derrick I walked I went over to make myself a cup of tea for my throat. As I listened intently to Derrick, dipping my tea bag up and down in the hot water, allowing it to steep I noticed something that I never saw before. There was writing on the back of the little paper handle that's attached to the string of my tea bag, it was a quote. Since when did they start putting quotes on tea bag handles? I was halfway through the box of tea bags and I'd never noticed this before until today. I read the handle:
"The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think" -Horace Walpole (1717 - 1797)
Nuff said.
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Playing In The Background...
"Luv"
by Janet Jackson
from the album "Discipline"
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