So I'm at a thing last night, a social thing. I seem to always find myself at some kind of thing or another, especially since I'm promoting my party and all now. It's a gay thing, guys are there, they're flirting with me, some more obviously than others as I work the room, flyers in hand. I'm nice, I smile. I won't flat out tell someone that I'm not interested unless they're just like really offensive, like that guy who touched my ass at Ultra the other night. I almost went the fuck off, y'all know I don't get down like that. You see why I don't wear dress pants. Anyway, as I socialized that night I began to think about all the guys that try to get at me on a daily basis whether it be at an event, or online, through here or whatever and how I'm just not into them for the most part. Why is it that I don't attract what I want? And then when I go out to get what I'm attracted to that doesn't seem to work out either.
Dating sucks. I hate meeting new people. I hate having to tell them the same stories, the same jokes, the same anecdotes, laughing the same laughs, sharing my idiosyncrasies over and over again and having to memorize theirs all for them to just up and stop calling or for things to fall apart in a few weeks time. Those people who rejoice in being single, I don't get it. I like the idea of having someone to take care of and depend on. I want someone to want to know my whereabouts and someone to spend a considerable amount of my time with. I want to build a life with someone, to have our individual lives braided together into one. Even in my more promiscuous days I never really believed in the whole "ain't no pussy like new pussy" thing. 'Cuz when the lights go out it really doesn't feel much different one from another. It's the feelings you have (or don't have) for the person that makes it differ. Like I said before as I getting older I'm getting more and more like my Dad, just a simple, no frills guy and I tend to be looking for someone more like my Mom, beautiful and feisty, who likes to dress me. I guess the right one will come along some day. I've dated a few people in the last few months but it's been like "anh whatever..."
Honestly, the main reason for my dating apathy as of late is that I wasn't fully over Pubby. Oh Jesus, I feel like such an idiot saying that but it's true. I didn't tell y'all this, but somewhere during those weeks that I didn't blog as frequently as I normally there was a relapse. We tried it again, what was that, number five? I've never been the make-up to break-up type until now. It was like, just at the moment that I thought I was finally good. I stopped the begging and pleading. I let go any hope of us in the future. Just when I was angry enough at him for hurting me again and strong enough in myself to move on he called. He sounded so weak and so small, like he needed me and I caved in. Of course it didn't work out. unless he was a totally different person I pretty much knew it wouldn't. The reason why I didn't say anything to y'all is because, frankly I was embarrassed. Trust me, I'm hardly deluded about this sorta thing. I fully realize that going back to something for the fifth time that has failed all four previous times is stupid and destined to fail again, but I walked back into again anyway. Why?
I look at my relationship with Pubby like a drug addiction. It's like doing "coke" (cocaine) or "ex" (ecstasy) or "k" (ketamine or "special k") or crack or whatever the kids are doing in the clubs now. You know it's stupid and no good for you and will only lead to your downfall but you indulge in it anyway because it feels good at the time and you think it makes you look cool while clean people look at you like you're a stupid ass druggie and make fun of you behind your back and to your face sometimes, but you're too high to notice. The good days with him, the highs of our relationship were so high and everything was so great, but those bad days with him, when we were arguing, coming down from that shit was the worst. It's like something a drug user once told me about using drugs "no high is better than your first high and every time you use drugs you try to achieve that first high again". Yeah, but you just said that no high is better than your first high and that there's no way you can get that again so why keep trying? You're only killing yourself. Stupid, huh? Exactly. When the rationale behind my participation in a bad relationship became congruent to that of a drug user I knew it was definitely time to take my ass to relationship rehab. I'm not 100% sure exactly what that is yet but I know that that I cannot do anymore. So I quit, cold turkey and this time it feels easier than it's even been before. Whenever I feel weak I'll have to remind myself of how terrible the lows were and how fucked up my future would be if I were to continue this vicious cycle.
Like most recovered drug users who curse the first day they ever messed with their drug of choice sometimes I wish I never met Pubby. If only I could go back and do it all over again, to spare myself all of the drama of the past months. They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I'll have to respectfully disagree. That whole thing I really didn't need. I can't think of anything I gained from it that was worth all the stress. I guess it is what it is. I don't regret it. I know that everything happens for a reason, but if I'd known then what I know now I wouldn't have let things go down quite the same way. Lesson learned, even though I had to get left back five times.
Another thing about drugs, my lovely readers. I make a lot of jokes here, but I'm really serious about this. If any of you are doing drugs please stop. There is nothing cute or fabulous about it. As of late, being out and about, I've been around drug users and it's really not a game. Even if you feel that your addiction is "manageable", that in itself is an oxymoron, nothing about addiction is manageable. You see it all over TV and magazines all these celebrities and starlets, the so-called "Young Hollywood" sect, your Lindsay Lohan's, your Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's, your Britney Spears' and people like that stumbling in and out of clubs and off to rehab centers. This shit is NOT okay. These people have all kinds of issues inside that have led them to act out in such ways and all the money in the world hasn't been able to heal them. There's nothing healthy about this behavior and the fact that young people across the world try to emulate this shit because they think it's cute is crazy. I sure as hell don't get it. I didn't even think that black folks got down with that drug shit like that besides a little weed here and there (and even that isn't good), boy was I wrong. These kids pop pills and sniff coke like its going out of style. And it's not even a new thing, I just never paid much attention to it before, but it was happening right under my nose (forgive the pun). So if you're in a club and someone offers you a drug please just say no. And if you are currently using drugs don't be afraid to get help. And if you have friends that do drugs get them some help too. The last thing I need is to step over some drugged out queen convulsing on a dance floor somewhere, dying over some perfectly avoidable shit. I thought they left that shit in the 80's.
Crack is wack.
Coke is a joke.
Hugs, not drugs.
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Playing In The Background...
"Rehab"
by Rihanna
from the album "Good Girl, Gone Bad"
and
"Rehab"
by Amy Winehouse
from the album "Back To Black"
and
"Addictive"
by Truth Hurts
from the album "Truthfully Speaking"
and
"Fanatic"
by Vivian Green
from the album "A Love Story"
and
"The Way That I Love You
by Ashanti
from the album "The Declaration"
and
"Your Gonna Miss"
by Ashanti
from the album "The Declaration"
and
"So Over You"
by Ashanti
from the album "The Declaration"
and
"Stepping Stone"
by Duffy
from the album "Rockferry"
"I Wish"
by Carl Thomas
from the album "Emotional"
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