Dating: October 2008 Archives

A few years ago I met this guy online, let's call him Thomas. Thomas and I talked online for a while, exchanging pleasantries, being flirtatious, being sexual. We exchanged numbers and continued to talk every so often. One sunny afternoon out of the blue Thomas calls me and says that him and his friend are in my area and that I should be outside in fifteen minutes. I told him that I would need more time than that to get ready. I was meeting him in person for the first time and I wanted to make a good impression. He insisted that it wasn't necessary and that he had only just thrown himself together so there was no need for me to do anything extravagant. I jumped up and tried my best to get somewhat ready in such a minimal time.

After having them outside waiting in the back of my building for about about fifteen minutes, fifteen more than the fifteen I was originally supposed to be ready in, I got to the car. Thomas stepped out of the passengers seat of the car onto the cracked sidewalk, we shook hands. He was attractive, cute even, he looked better than his pictures and he was definitely right about not being put together. He had on an old ratty looking t-shirt, some sweats and some flip flops. As messed up as his outfit was it took nothing away from his looks though. Upon entering the car I greeted his friend as well. Thomas looked back, smiled and asked me why I was so well put together. He reiterated the fact that he said over the phone that I didn't have to do anything special. Then he asked me was that why I was took so long. I have to admit I was a little embarrassed, but it was cool though. His queries were all in fun.

We drove around for a while as Thomas' friend was running various local errands. During the ride I was pretty much silent in the backseat. I was just passively listening to their conversation and watching their dynamic. I like to watch friends, especially best friends, interact with each other, there's nothing like it. These two were definitely best friends. Every so often they would look back at me just to make sure I was still alive.

We ended up going back to Thomas' friend's apartment. His apartment was very nicely decorated. You could tell that a gay man lived there. After sitting on the couch a while Thomas declared that he was taking a shower. As he walked toward the bathroom he grabbed my hand and I followed him. We got into the bathroom and as soon as the door closed behind us we grabbed at each other like animals, kissing, fondling and grabbing at each other ravenously. We eventually got out of our clothes and made it to the shower where our foreplay continued, hot and heavy in the steam of the running water. Right when I was about to enter him he stopped me.

"Adam, stop. I can't do this..."

"What's wrong?"

"I can't do this..."

"Why?"

"I'm positive."

I couldn't breathe. I stood naked with my back up against the moist tiled wall, my head spinning like a centrifuge. Here I was about to fuck this dude with no condom (as most people don't exactly keep them on the soap dish). What was so crazy was that I pretty much knew I was gonna get some that day and I had condoms and lube on me in my jacket. I just never bothered to go get them. It would have ruined the mood and the spontaneity of the moment. In all this time I never even bothered to ask what his status was. It never even came up in all of our prior conversation. This was the first time in all of my fucking around that I was confronted with HIV. I never really talked about it much before. I knew my status, I'd been tested, but I never really discussed it much with my partners. He continued.

"I want to. I really want to but. I had to let you know. You're such a nice guy."

"Wow, how did this happen?"

In retrospect I see what a dumb ass question that was for me to ask, but I asked anyway. He proceeded to tell me that he pretty much knew who he contracted the virus from and that he tried to confront that person but the person moved to another state and changed their phone number. He said that his best friend, the one in the living room was one of the only people who knew. With a little sass in his voice he also said:

"Oh, and don't think that I'm the only one. If you're out here fucking around I know I'm not the first person who you've run into who has the virus. I'm just the first to tell you."

With sex, but a distant memory, we finished our shower, in silence. I wasn't angry, or scared, or disgusted by him or anything like that. I knew better, I knew the facts, I knew that HIV wasn't just gonna jump on me just because I was in the shower with him. I wasn't necessarily done with him either, he was a really cool person and HIV wasn't gonna change that. I was just sober, soberly thinking about all the fucking around I'd done, all the possibilities, how fucked up that person was who infected Thomas and just ran away and how Thomas didn't even have to tell me about his status, it's not as though I asked. I also wondered exactly why he told me. It was all just so crazy, he was so young, so good looking, he didn't look sick, he wasn't in a hospice with tubes running out of his body. He was nothing like I imagined HIV to be, he was like, like me.

We dried off and went back into the living room the friend was sitting on the couch like nothing happened. I guess from his perspective nothing did happen. He wasn't in the shower. We got dressed and ended up back in the friend's car. As we drove around I sat in the back of the car in uncertainty until Thomas asked:

"What train station do you wanna be dropped off at?"

They dropped me off at the train station. We said our goodbyes and I never heard from Thomas again. The scariest thing about that story had nothing to do with Thomas but everything to do with me. I totally let sex cloud my better judgment that day. I knew so much better than to do what I was gonna do but almost did it anyway. He had to be the one to stop me from protecting ME. How sick is that? Not being able to trust yourself to do what you know is best for yourself, that's scarier than anything else that happens on Halloween.

I remember sharing this story with my one of best friends about a year after it happened. We were sitting in the Village talking about life and the virus and it's effect on our community. We also talked about the 46% statistic, which now I heard is up to 48%. I told him that with statistics like that it's like it's either me or you now. Any one of us is can be one test away from a positive result. That's one of the reasons why I am never one to judge. We can get tested and we can take all of the necessary precautions and not be promiscuous of course but if you've ever been sexually active there's never any way to be 100% sure. Your test can come back negative today and show up positive a few months from now as HIV can lie dormant in your system before there is enough antibodies of it to be detected by a test.

I'm no doctor and you can always look up the facts from a much more reliable medical source than me but the point I wanted to convey here was that we all need to make better decisions. We also need not judge anyone, especially those with HIV because none of us are exempt. I have friends today with HIV and I love them, respect them, and treat them as I would any other friend and they are all fine, healthy, dating and living their lives as they should be. At times in the midst of all of our fun and day to day living I forget that they even have the virus. They have to remind me at times and that's the way it should be. It's not something I need to dwell on. HIV, as unfortunate as it is is not a death sentence.

Thomas was the first person I ever met with HIV and as dumb as it sounds today, back then I really was shocked at how healthy and quote-unquote "normal" he looked. My experience with Thomas taught me how important it is to be nice to people, all people and to have an aura of openness about myself so people could feel comfortable telling me anything. I actually wish that Thomas would have kept up with me. I tried to correspond with him after that but to no avail. I don't fully understand why he never wanted to talk to me again but I respect his decision. I never got a chance to thank him for that day in the shower. He taught me more than all the sex education classes in the world could have taught me and I'm different today because of it.

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Playing In The Background...
"It's O.K."
by BeBe & CeCe Winans
from the album: "BeBe & CeCe Winans Greatest Hits"
==========

This has been my romantic life for the last couple of weeks:

Adam meets boy.
Adam and boy talk.
Boy comes to see Adam.
Adam cooks dinner.
Adam and boy have have a good time.
Adam fucks boy.
Adam and boy cuddle.
Boy tells Adam that he'd like to get to know him.
Boy has to leave so Adam walks boy to the train station.
Adam and boy make plans to see each other again.
Adam texts boy.
Boy never texts back.
Adam hasn't heard from boy since.

Adam meets another boy.
Adam and boy talk for a couple of weeks.
Adam and boy have actually known and liked each other for a while but have never made any moves toward each other romantically.
Boy comes to see Adam.
Adam and boy mess around.
Boy sucks Adam's dick.
Adam and boy cuddle.
Boy spends the night.
Adam cooks breakfast.
Adam and boy make plans to see each other again on Sunday.
Boy leaves.
Sunday comes and goes, Adam doesn't hear from boy.

Yeah, so that's it. What's weird about it all is that situations like these don't hurt me as much as they used to. In years or even months past I'd be a basket case, calling and texting trying to find out what happened and what went wrong. Now I don't bother. Situations like this annoy me more than anything. I LOVE honesty and I HATE my time being wasted. If someone only wants sex or a hot meal or a place to stay for the night and is not attracted to me, I'm absolutely fine with them telling me that. Lord knows I'm honest with people about how I'm feeling. I don't have the patience to lead anyone on. At the end of all the day honesty is always the easier choice. If someone told me to my face 'Adam I think you are the ugliest thing on Earth' I'd have more respect for them than if they sat up in my face lying and telling me how cute they think I am. I don't why they stopped calling and at this point I don't care. It is what it is.

The bright side to situations like this is that they tend to make for good blog posts. Being a blogger I tend to think of my life and it's misadventures in terms of blog posts. Something happens and I'm thinking 'this would make for a good blog post' or 'how do I present this situation in a way that makes for an interesting read?' or 'what am I gonna have Playing In The Background... when I write about this?' I'm not sure how healthy that is, but what's tragedy good for if you can't exploit it for your professional benefit? Ask any of our favorite singers, songwriters, poets and writers that question. What has driven a good portion of the most prolific music, art and books of our generation? Pain.

Speaking of pain, rather than wallow in all of this and fall into my rut of emotional eating and beating myself up asking why, as of late I've taken all of that energy and have used it in a much more beneficial way. I've been hitting the gym pretty hard lately. As soon as my mind started to drift into why the second boy hadn't called yesterday I jumped up, put on my sweats and sneakers and headed right to the gym.

Turning 25 has really had an impact on me. I'm not a kid anymore and my metabolism ain't gettin' no better. As I get older I'm realizing that it's gonna take a little effort to stay in shape. It seems like everywhere I look, especially in the New York gay scene filled to the brim with aspiring actor/model types, everyone around me has pecs and abs and what not, especially these kids coming up, the eighteen and nineteen year olds. What the hell are these kids eating nowadays and why didn't anyone feed it to me?

After slightly letting myself go this past summer I begun to look at my body and myself differently. Seeing Madonna, a white woman literally twice my age and five years younger than my mother dance, sing and jump rope across the stage of the Izod Center earlier this month, doing more physically than I could ever dream of without as much as taking a breather, really put things in perspective for me. One of my secret dreams has always been to have the quote-unquote "perfect" body. Perfect for me at least, as perfect is relative. I never wanted to be one of those big muscley guys (I never liked big muscles and yes I made that word up). I've always fancied leaner, more cut up and defined body types. As of late I've been working toward that and it's been working. As always I wanted to share my fortune with you so I decided to post what I call:

Adam's Lazy Man's Guide To Fitness

On average I've been going to gym about five to six times a week lately. Now I'm not one of those people who is just loves to work out and loves the gym. I'd much rather be home watching "90210" eating apple pie and ice cream. I'm no gym rat and Lord knows that with working out there is pain, not horrible gut wrenching pain but pain nevertheless, well actually it's more discomfort than anything else, but as I've started to see results I've learned to appreciate the pain and it becomes worth it. As horrible as going to the gym regularly sounds for a lazy person like me, the more I incorporated it into my regular life I've come to realize that it's not so bad, but this isn't an easy place to get to. I realize that I'm no fitness expert or guru but these are the steps I took to get there. Hopefully I can help out a fellow lazy person.

1. Understand what working out is, what it does and why it does what it does.
2. Make going to the gym as easy and as not a big deal as possible.
3. The only thing we have to fear is fat itself.
4. Understand that "A shitty workout is better than no workout at all."
5. Understand that one of the best things about working out is that it counteracts all of the horrible foods you eat and will make you able to eat them with less consequence.
6. Align yourself with one of those crazy people that actually enjoys working out.

1. Understand what working out is, what it does and why it does what it does.

I've never been one of those "because I said so" people. Whenever one of my parents or someone older than me uttered that inevitable phrase during my childhood as reasoning for me to do something they commanded that I do it often fell upon deaf ears and subsequently a sore behind, but I didn't care. I'm not the type to do shit just to do it, I gotta know why I'm doing it. This carried over to my adulthood. While we know that working out and weightlifting builds muscle and gets people into shape many of don't know why, well at least I didn't. When this was finally broken down to me in a simple yet still cerebral way it all made sense and thus made working out something of interest.

This is how it was broken down to me. Working out basically works like this. To lift weights the body uses its various muscles. When we lift just the right amount of weight that pushes those muscles to their limit, they tear, hence the pain/discomfort/fatigue of working out. When those muscles tear the body naturally rebuilds them, but when the body rebuilds them it rebuilds them bigger and stronger. So if you continually increase the amount the weight you lift over time you continue the process of ripping, tearing and rebuilding the muscles of your body, hence the terms bodybuilding and ripped. Once you're satisfied with your size you won't need to increase the weight you lift. Protein in your diet helps a lot in this process, hence why people who work out are always drinking those nasty-ass protein shake things. For me understanding why and how this whole thing works made it more desirable to do and gave me some kind of direction to go in as far as all this fitness stuff is concerned.

2. Make going to the gym as easy and as not a big deal as possible.

Out of all the rules this is probably the most important for lazy people like us. If working out becomes to complicated we aren't gonna do it. In order to combat the arsenal of excuses I've built up for not going to the gym I've made going to the gym as easy as possible. I joined a gym six blocks from my house. In the past I'd joined gyms that were further away and as a result I found myself not going and the key to the whole gym thing is to go as much as possible. If you can drag your ass there more than likely you'll do something. Just getting to the gym is half the battle.

3. The only thing we have to fear is fat itself.

The gym can be a scary place. It can be pretty overwhelming for a beginner. All those muscular people banging and clanging weights doing all kinds of different exercises on different machines, levers and pulleys moving about as you wonder what its all for. Most gyms offer some kind of personal training assistance for beginners. It's not Hollywood celebrity caliber but it's cool to have to someone show you how all the machines work. Pay attention because when the introductory period of maybe a 45-60 minute session or two is over you're on your own, unless you decide to buy more sessions and that can get really expensive. Plus it's not really all that necessary.

In the beginning don't expect to be "He-Man" or anything, more than likely your lazy ass won't be able to lift as much as the gym regulars. My tip for beginners is to use the machines instead of free weights and be sure to read the directions on them before attempting them, also watch other people use them before you try them out. Your first trial on or with anything should be on the lowest possible weight setting just so you can get the movement together. After that find a weight that's mildly uncomfortable but that you can still move. You're just starting out so don't set crazy unrealistic goals for yourself. Pick a weight that you can move 10-12 times. The last few repetitions should be a little but not too difficult, you should feel them. Do the normal 3 or 4 sets of 10-12 repetitions with a short rest between sets. If you can't finish all the sets and reps just do it until you're tired, don't push so hard at first the point is to get yourself used to the whole gym-going life.

A lot of people, mainly men are intimidated by the gym as beginners. Lord knows I was. Here you go in your regular life smart as hell, shitting on those whose mental prowess is inferior to yours or maybe you're smooth, Mr. Man, Mr. Cool, with your big ol' dick, and/or your pretty face, Mr. Ladies Man or Mr. Mans Man (depending on whichever way you swing) or maybe you're rich and powerful, with hundreds of corporate minions trembling at every syllable that escapes your lips, well none of that shit matters at the gym. All of your status symbols, titles, bank accounts and all that other shit is checked at the door. The gym is all about physical strength and everybody has to start at the bottom.

It can be quite embarrassing not being able to lift weights as heavy as all the musclebound dudes around you. If you see five guys bench pressing two and three forty-five pound plates on each side you will probably feel a little foolish lifting the bar. Which for a lot of people can bring back terrible repressed memories of high school weight room. The easiest way to combat this is to start out using the machines. In most gyms the bench presses and dumbbells and other free weight activities that the bigger and more experienced people use are usually separated from the workout machines that smaller more inexperienced people tend to use. In my gym I'm lucky enough to have the free weights and the machines on separate floors, downstairs and upstairs respectively.

The cool thing about machines as opposed to free weights is that the machines do a good portion of the work for you, not so much of the lifting but of controlling the weight. When you bench press or do dumbbell curls not only are you lifting the weight but you have to use your strength to control the weight as well. Machines do the control part for you, which takes great stress off of the beginner. Losing control of a weight while lifting can cause great injury. The absolute best thing about machines though is that most of them are constructed so that no one can really see how much you're lifting. It's a great way to build yourself up so that when you do graduate to using free weights like I have you will be strong enough to not have to start out with the bar.

Now of course we all know that it shouldn't matter what people think about how much we can lift. And we should all be able to lift that bare bar with pride without our insecurities getting the best of us. A wise and strong man once advised me not to care about what people may think about how much or how little I can lift. That I should concentrate on me and what I need to do, fuck everybody else. Everybody, even the big and muscley guys had to start somewhere. The thing to fear is not the stares and snickers of the muscley guys, but the effect that fat, fast foods and the sedentary lifestyle of most Americans will have on our health. All of our insecurities won't matter once we're morbidly obese or once our arteries are clogged with fat and we have a heart attack. The only thing to fear is fat itself.

4. Understand that "A shitty workout is better than no workout at all."

Unlike like damn near everything else in life I see the gym as a quantity over quality thing. Don't not go to the gym because you feel as though you don't have enough time to devote to it. I say all you really need at the absolute least is a half hour a day. I'm way too lazy and too busy to spend three and four hours a day at the gym and besides after an hour to an a hour and a half I start getting bored anyway.

A wise man once told me that "a shitty work out is better than no work out at all". Many times I find myself getting to the gym an hour or even as little as forty minutes before it closes and although I don't have much time to spend there I still go as I don't wanna get out of the habit of going. Even if I'm kinda tired or really don't feel like going I still muster up the strength to go. I just probably won't work as hard but so what. I don't beat myself up over it. The key is to make the gym like eating and sleeping, a regular part of your daily life.

5. Understand that one of the best things about working out is that it counteracts all of the horrible foods you eat and will make you able to eat them with less consequence.

The coolest thing about going to the gym is that you feel a little better when you eat all the junk foods you like because you know that you are gonna eventually work them off (as long as you don't start eating more junk food because you started working out), but what's even cooler is that when you really start getting into the workout groove you'll want to eat better because you know that it will accelerate the results that you are seeing. So basically you're psyching yourself out, but instead of psyching yourself into thinking that Mr. Whatshisname is really gonna call or that some fake-ass bitches who aren't worth your time anyway really do like you, this psyching out is gonna actually do you some good.

6. Align yourself with one of those crazy people that actually enjoys working out.

You see those crazy-ass people at the gym, the ones that seem to be enjoying themselves, lifting those weights, all muscley and chiseled. These muscle people, although they are a different species from lazy folk like you and me do live outside the gym. It would do you some good to get to know one of them and even start working out with one of them as it'd be quite encouraging to you. I wouldn't advise that you start making conversation with random muscley strangers at the gym (although it wouldn't be terrible or anything), but rather think of people you know who work out regularly. C'mon you gotta know somebody, and if you're gay you have no excuse. Find that person and tag along with them to the gym.

I've aligned myself with a friend of my friend who lives down the street from me and works out at my gym. Not only does he work out regularly at my gym, he works out with his lover regularly at my gym. They are both "He-Men" who live together, are in a long-term relationship and are very much in love. It's a great thing to see. So not only do they encourage me to stay fit, their example encourages me that true love and finding the one (or at least the one you can learn to tolerate for the long haul) is possible.

Although I don't work out with them everyday, because I'm not trying to impede upon their couple, bonding workout time (I have better manners than that). I have taken what they've taught me and have applied it to my workout routine.

So, relax, follow these rules and working out shouldn't be so bad.

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Playing In The Background...
"The Workout"
by Utada
from the album "Exodus"
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This is one of my favorite posts. It's about rules. I'm naturally a rebel, so I hate rules, especially dating rules, but there is one rule I follow though. Here it is.

Enjoy.

Originally posted on December 12, 2007 6:00 AM
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I really hate those people who like make up rules for every fuckin' thing. Like that awful fuckin' three month rule. You know, the one that says you have to wait until you're dating someone for at least three months until you finally fuck. Like, what kinda bullshit is that? I co-sign with my friend and lyricist extraordinare, Shorty Roc's sentiments on that:

"Three months! Three months, and you not fuckin him!?! If you not fuckin' then him who is? 'Cuz if you make him wait that long you know he gon' be fuckin' somebody..."

My sentiments exactly. That shit is stupid.

In general I don't like time contingent rules regarding people and relationships. We watch the damn clock enough in our lives between our jobs and schools and other obligations. Relationships should be the one thing that we allow to just let flow naturally. I mean, don't get me wrong, even though it's not my particular thing I guess there are some things in relationships that should have some sort of time based guidelines and you should never rush anything, but it's just the rigid, regimented nature of it all that rubs me the wrong way. In the end if things are good between you and the other person I say let nature do its thing and sit back and enjoy the ride.

((sigh))

Unfortunately as time marched on my outlook on rules began to change. As much as I hate rules, namely the three month rule, due to a few horrible experiences I'm finding it necessary to break my own rule and enact a rule of my own:

Whenever I meet someone and we like each other and decide to date I'm not gonna introduce him to anyone for at least a month.

A solid month, that doesn't just mean knowing him for thirty days either. It means that I would have to be seeing him on the regular, like two to three times a week for at least four weeks, that's the trial period. And by the end of that trial period we would have to be dating exclusively. As y'all know I tried the dating around thing and I'm just not into it. Besides, I'm way too jealous for that shit. If I'm really feeling someone I don't wanna be with anyone else while I'm trying to get to know them and I know that I can't handle knowing that they're with someone else, especially if we've had sex. And nowadays I'm too busy to date eighty-five people at once anyway.

Before the trial period is over I'll try my best not to even mention him to anyone, especially my friends. Of course I'll write about him on the blog, he'll be aliased of course. It's just that nothing's worse than liking someone and telling the whole world about them and having things just fall apart, especially when its so soon. 'Cuz then you have to deal with the questions: "Oh what happened to so-and-so?" and "Didn't you really like him?" and if things turn out really bad I'm gonna have to go into damage control mode. I think those first four weeks should be the trial of whether you actually like the person or whether it's all just lust and you're only holding on until you finally fuck. That's another reason why the three month rule is bullshit. At least if things dissolve during the trial period nobody knows it ever happened and we both go off into the sunset.

So that's it, that's my rule.

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Playing In The Background...
"Scared" feat. Irv Gotti
by Ashanti
from the album "Ashanti"
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I wrote a blog post on Tuesday entitled: "What EXACTLY Are You Looking For In A Man? Here's "The Secret" To Getting Him..." (which I suggest you read here before continuing with this post) where I tell the story of a close friend who says that using the philosophies of "The Secret" and "The Law Of Attraction" are the way to draw the quote-unquote "perfect" man into your life. He put his theory into action by making a list of all the attributes he wants in a man, mental, physical, spiritual, sexual, etc., and posted it on his wall in hopes that his list, being visible out in the universe will be somehow cosmically draw the perfect man it describes to him.

For experiment's sake and in cooperation with his theory I in turn made a list of all the attributes I want in a man and I posted it on the blog. I put these attributes into six categories: "Personality", "Relationship Habits", "Beliefs and Other Habits", "Miscellaneous", "Physical and Tangible', "Sexual Characteristics", and "Overall". I found that in completing this exercise that I wanted much more than I thought I wanted in a man, especially in the category of "Beliefs and Other Habits" which was substantially longer than all the others. Of course, as soon as I listed the physical attributes that I look for in a man that I knew that I was asking for trouble and that a comment like this would soon follow:

"From reading your post and others similar...

I can say that you fall into the usual group of typical gay men. The same ones who jump from man to man and wonder why they can't settle for real, real. The ones who fail to realize the common cause for failure. You come off as quite superficial in your desires...and I guess this can be a reason for your failed and failed again unions.

It's a lot about image/looks/sex...and less about substance. No matter how you become verbose in going in all the mumbo jumbo talk...it's just a disguise for the fact that at the end of the day...you are just too superficial.

All the best.
-Observer"

*claps hands sacrastically*

Bravo! Brav-fucking-vo!

How avant garde?

What a tour de force?

Don't you just feel great about yourself? Coming on here with your bullshit fake email address trying to call me superficial. Wow. How innovative? Like I've never heard that one before. If you read that whole blog post and only the parts where I mentioned looks and sex (the smallest parts mind you) are all you took from then it you are obviously insecure in those areas. The least you could have done is leave a real email address. You're like a kid who rings doorbells and runs down the block. Because you don't even have the courage to leave a valid email address I cannot have any respect for you or anything you had to say. You wanna be bold? You wanna be fierce? You wanna "read the gurls"? Bold and fierce is saying something to someone and having the courage to accept whatever it is they have to say back. I can and have admitted when I was wrong or when someone has pulled my card but you haven't. Nice try, but you fall into the usual group of typical people who try me and fail miserably. Now run along and join the others who've failed.

For future reference it's okay if you disagree with me. I welcome debate, I think it's great. But at least leave a valid email address so we can discuss the matter like adults. I may even want to sip further from your fount of wisdom, but I can't do so without a valid email address. I'm human just like you are, there's nothing to be afraid of. Don't be the annoying ass kid who rings doorbells and runs down the block. Have a little more respect for yourself and whatever you have to say.

- Adam
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Now what that comment did, besides annoy the hell outta me, was shed some light on a very sensitive subject that I've been wanting to discuss here, but have never quite found the right way to express: Looks. I'm about to get really honest here. Like really, really honest almost to the point where I was almost kinda wary about posting this because of all the drama I know it's gonna probably cause. A lot of people aren't gonna like what I have to say (what else is new), but fuck it. I'm just gonna keep it very real. Usually I'd save this for the end but I'm gonna start off with it.

The message of this post is to convey two things:

1) Looks matter. They do. Get into it. We're human. We have eyes. We see things. Anyone who sits here and says that they don't matter is lying to themselves. Looks aren't everything though, but in most cases they are what initially attract us to each other and to dismiss their importance in an attempt to seem deeper and more grounded than someone else is futile and unrealistic.

2) Anyone who sees someone else who accepts the above truth, that truth being that looks do matter and says to them that they are superficial is more than likely insecure in themselves and probably lacking in their own looks.

You know what the first thing I thought when I read the comment from Observer was? Ugly, she must be ugly. Someone rejected her due to her looks, she's scarred by it and my being specific about what I'm into struck a nerve with her. I don't know how Observer looks or her life story to say for sure that she's ugly or scarred, but she damn sure sounds like it. Someone who is attractive and secure in their looks would therefore understand the importance of looks in the scheme of things regarding attraction and coupling and not dismiss them or a person who knows the value of them as quote-unquote "superficial". Superficial is just another one of those words that insecure people throw around to make themselves feel better. Ooh some random anonymous computer person called me superficial, I'm gonna go into a corner and cry. Oh please.

Looks are what initially attract us to people. In a crowded club or on a dating website, looking at a stranger from across the bar or on your computer screen you can't see the content of his character or the virtue of his soul, you see how he looks. Looks are what ignite our initial interest in people were looking to date and with that we go deeper to subsequently discover the more important things, like what's in their heart and soul.

People like Observer like to try and make normal people like you and I feel guilty for having standards and expectations as far as looks are concerned, by throwing around words like shallow and superficial. I've always said that there is no such thing as prejudice when it comes to sex and relationships. Sex and romantic relationship are the closest instances in which people can be with one another and in such cases we are more than justified in being discriminatory.

Case in point. The times that I've been online or in a club and have sent a stranger who caught my eye a message or walked up to them and said hello, alluding to some sort or romantic overture or subsequent date and that person said to me "Oh, I'm sorry I'm not into black guys." or "Oh, you're a little too skinny, too young, too old for me." etc. Am I to then go back to that person and say that they are superficial just because they don't like me? Ummm no. Why you ask? Because they have the right to like or not to like whatever it is they like, even if it's not me. I can't fault them for that. Sure I may be a wonderful person inside, but if I don't ignite that initial aesthetic spark in that person that's okay. I'm okay. My inner wonderfulness will be for someone else who is attracted to me discover. I'd sound like a nut, or maybe like our Observer friend, to knock someone and call them superficial simply for liking what they like. And because someone is not into me that doesn't make me any less attractive or wonderful, I'm just not for that person. So I shake the dust from my feet and more on.

As far as that silly comment about my being quote-unquote "superficial" being the reason why my past relationships have failed. That's just retarded. I've dated quite a few people with a few significant relationships in between and things haven't worked out with those people for various reasons. To date someone means that we have gotten past what we look like, the thing that initially attracted us to each other and are into each other for deeper reasons due to the fact that we've gotten to know each other better. To say that my past relationships have failed solely because I date guys who look a certain way would mean that all of the guys I've dates are the same because of how they look and that's just dumb, or maybe that I responded to them all the same because of how they look, also dumb. That whole statement was a dumb, half-assed attempt at insulting me, that wasn't really thought out very well.

To believe that statement would mean that if I only date guys who I'm not attracted to everything would magically be okay. That I would have to as she says "settle" for someone. We are all way to special to have to "settle" for anything. To "settle" for someone is to do them a grave disservice. I want someone to want and desire me. To love me for me, all of me, looks and personality. I don't want to be with a man who has merely settled for me. Trust me, I've been down the whole 'oh I'm really not attracted to him physically, but he's a really nice guy so I'll give him a chance' road and that shit obviously didn't work either, you must not have read that blog post. So now what Ms. Observer?

People are so stuck on being nice and politically correct nowadays. It's not nice to say that you think someone is ugly. It's not nice to say that you feel that someone is unattractive. Why are you so scared to feel it? You're thinking it. It is what it is. So when people are specific about the physical aspects of the people they're attracted to we're so quick to call them superficial or shallow or mean. People want what they want and like what they like, if it just doesn't happen to be you or me that doesn't make us any less beautiful or wonderful. We're just not attractive to them, that one person or those people, big whoop. That's just one or a few opinions, opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one, so what if somebody doesn't like you. A good portion of the people who read my blog don't like me. Does that stop me from spreading my sunshine? Hell fuckin' no.

There is nothing wrong with you liking what you like. If you only like dark skinned men, or light skinned men, or big men, or thuggish men that's your preference and you have the right to have it. Hopefully you find that man of your aesthetic dreams that also has the best heart and soul and all the love in the world for you. That would be your quote-unquote "perfect" man. And I wish everyone that sort of happiness.

Love and relationships are not easy, as we learn and live our lives more than likely we are gonna have to date quite a few people to find someone who fits. That has much more to do with how the person is rather than how they look. Just because someone looks a certain way it doesn't make them a certain way. And just because you are attracted to people that look a certain way that doesn't make you superficial.

Like I said, that whole comment Observer left was just unfounded and dumb. Now I'm starting to see why she didn't sign her full name to her comment. I wouldn't have either. Observer's comment is so the cookie-cutter, knee jerk, typical reaction that an insecure person has to someone who is secure and not afraid to say what it is they want. So thank you Observer for totally missing the point of my blog post, just as I knew someone was bound to do and for being the inspiration of this blog post. People like you are just another reason why I do what I do.

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Playing In The Background...
"Echo"
by Ciara
from the album "Fantasy Ride"
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Today is a wonderful-ass motherfuckin' day. As I sit here on my bed today, early in the morning, typing this blog post with the sun shining through my window as Queen Latifah coos about "georgia roses" while Stevie Wonder plays the harmonica in the background I have just realized that this is the first time in my romantic life that I am not looking for a boyfriend.

It's always been one thing or the other. I've either had a boyfriend or was on a search for one. Now I'm not doing either and believe it or not (that statement addressed more toward my belief than yours) the shit is okay. I didn't mean for this to happen, it just kinda did. I just got out of a bad situation, you know, tryna heal and what not. The usual knee-jerk response would have been to go in for the rebound with the first person who showed me any attention, but not this time. Usually after every bad breakup the next guy I end up with is someone I really don't want, but just someone who's nice to me and in some cases actually worships the ground I walk on. Once I fully get over the initial breakup and get back on my feet again, I snap out of it, look over at the other side of the bed in disbelief at the mess I've made and abruptly break it off with the rebound guy, with no genuine regard for his feelings. I meet another jerk and the process goes around again. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. At this point I've been through enough shit in my love life to know now at twenty-five what it is I'm looking for and I just don't see the need to mess around with someone for rebound's sake and use them just for the sake of having company. It's so messy and such a dead end road. So to that I say... ummm... err... you know what? I'm good.

All of that rebound shit was all due to me lying to myself. Lying and saying that I'm good, that shit didn't hurt me, that the prior relationship was nothing, that I don't need time to heal. That I'ma just move right on to the next bitch. In turn trying to make something work with someone who I knew good and well that I didn't want just to fill an empty space inside of me. Using them, playing with their emotions. Boy do I know how that feels. It feels terrible, it's selfish and it's shitty, to say the least. One thing I can say at the end of this my bad breakup is that that shit was payback for all the fucked up shit I've done to others. That little nigga put me through it, but it's all good. With all debts paid up and the slate clean I'm open to have something real come to me. So just in case you're out there currently fucking, or have fucked someone over, trust and know that that shit will come back to you in a pretty little package to bite you in the ass and it won't be pretty.

One of the promises that I made to myself coming into 2008 was that this year I was going to start cultivating new friendships instead of always being on the hunt for the next date. I'm a person who values my friendships like gold, they mean so much to me, the dates, the fucks, the boyfriends, they come and go, but I have friendships that span several years. Due to this their volatility, over time romantic interests have become less and less important to me and to you too I'm sure, because really, how many of your ex-dates are you cool with? So this year I've made a few really good new friends and have done all I can to stop things from ever crossing the line.

Case in point. I met a guy this summer, a fellow blogger. I was instantly attracted to him and I found out subsequently that he was attracted to me as well. Upon further investigation we found out that we're both tops and therefore sexually incompatible. From that point we decided to just be friends and in the months since we've grown to be just that. What's funny is that the more I got to know him the less attractive he became to me and vice-versa I'm sure. So instead of trying to force things into an awkward boyfriend situation that would have been broken up by now I gained a good good girlfriend which I'll probably have forever.

So, what do I do about sex? Good question. Y'all know me, as much masturbating to Nubian101 as I do to get by I'ma still need me some ass every so often. Well kids as of late I've learned to appreciate the jumpoff. You know, someone who's kinda like a friend, you're cool with them, but they're not like your bestie, your BFF, or your ace. They can spend the night and even cuddle with you but they also know when it's time to go home. Your time together is your time together and anything else you all do when you're not together isn't up for discussion or concern. They're in your life mostly for the sex and you're in theirs mostly for the same thing. You don't hate your jumpoff, it's quite the opposite but, you're not in love with them and for whatever reason you can't see yourself ever actually being with them either. Back in the day I'd get too emotionally attached to anyone who I was having sex with regularly and would want more, but I've grown to realize that in the case of the jumpoff that ruins things. I've learned to appreciate the beauty of the jumpoff relationship now, because it is quite a beautiful thing.

So, what about love? I'm not your typical cynical-ass queen who's been burned and has stopped believing in love, no not at all. I very much do believe in love. I just believe that it will come when it comes and I'm not rushing it or standing in its way. Like I said before I know what I want. So when the right guy comes along with all or the most important of the things I want and need we'll get together. In the meantime I'm gonna continue to work on me, working, writing my blog, going to the gym, writing my book, being the best me I can be until that day comes, but in the meantime I'm really not worried about it. Y'all didn't hear me, I'm like seriously not worried about finding a man. That was not just a sentence I typed, that was big. I'm like seriously not worried about finding a man. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and off my mind. It's, it's effin' beautiful man.

I feel free now. I'm more honest now. If I only want someone for sex, I tell them. I don't lead them on to think that there will be more. I've been running into people online or out in the streets that I wronged before, like people I fucked (or didn't quite fuck) and stopped returning their phone calls and shit like that and I'm apologizing to them. I just wanna be right, it's such a great feeling. Even if someone online asks me why I'm not replying to their messages, whether it's because I'm not attracted to them or whatever. I tell them the truth and even why I'm not attracted to them if they ask. The whole online thing has ceased to be a search for "the one" and has become only but a mere source of entertainment for me as of late. I've been running into some really peculiar characters lately who have served as great sources of writing inspiration.

You know, that Jesus was really onto something when he said "...Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).

Free yourselves.

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Playing In The Background...
"Georgia Rose" feat. Stevie Wonder
by Queen Latifah
from the album "Trav'lin' Light"
and
"Moratorium"
by Alanis Morrisette
from the album "Flavors Of Entanglement"
and
"I Believe In Love"
by Syleena Johnson
from the album "Chapter 2: Pain And Forgiveness"
and
"Integrity"
by Daryl Coley
from the album "When The Music Stops"
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This is one of my favorite poems so I decided to repost it. How many times have we let someone get away with treating us not as good as we deserve to be just because they look good or we think that we're not on their level and are in a sense grateful for being in their presence, as though we aren't good enough. It doesn't even have to be looks that make you stay, it could be about the way he makes you feel or the sex or a combination of the three. What's even worse is when we know it's true and we try to rationalize the shit.

Enjoy.

Originally posted on November 10, 2007 11:12 AM
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If He Was Ugly
by Adam Benjamin Irby

If he was ugly...
Would you let him do the things he do?
Would you let him say what he say to you?
Or act the way he acted,
If you weren't so attracted.
And forgive so automatic.
And live life so tragic.
The longing for better days, you trade,
Your sense, you're like an addict.
Why's he such a prize,
Just a sight for sore eyes.
Telling yourself lies,
Under the guise of compromise.
Disdain in your brain,
Numb like Novocaine.
You fold in your pain, like a collar stain,
On a white collared Polo rugby.
Would you treat him so lovely,
If you didn't think you were so ugly?

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Playing In The Background...
"Why You Gotta Look So Good?" feat. Lloyd Banks
by Mya
from the album "Moodring"
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