Recently in Family Category

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With this post I'm launching a new category, "Ask Adam..." where you can send me all of your life, love and relationship questions. I'll try my best to answer them here on the blog and other readers will be able to weigh in too. And of course whatever you send will be kept anonymous.

Enjoy.

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.
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Living my life openly and freely as a gay man here in New York, yet struggling to find to true love, sometimes it's easy to forget about the struggles my gay and transsexual brothers and sisters are going through all across small-town America and around the world just to be themselves. There's so much that us big city gay folks, especially us here in New York City take for granted. Receiving a letter from a small town reader puts so many things into perspective. Here's his letter:

What's happenin' Adam.

I'm kind of new to your blog but I gotta question for you. What would you do if you realized that the people in your life that you call friends and family don't really love you? I'm 19, living in a small town, Monroe, Louisiana and I've been struggling for a long time about coming out to my family and closest friend, but last night I realized that if I was to come out to them that it would change our relationship for the worst, if not end our relationship. Because you already know that being gay in the black community is not really accepted, so you can imagine how it is in a sort of small city where everyone is very religious. But even though I pray that my family would accept me for who I am and not let it be a big deal that I'm gay, I know that they wouldn't be okay with it because I was raised not to be okay with it. I think that's why I have such a hard time accepting it myself. But yeah, back to the question, how would you handle knowing in the back of your mind that these people that you love besides all their flaws, wouldn't love you if they knew the real you?

Oh yeah, and I wanna say I think you a real cool dude and keep doin' what you doin' because even though I'm not at the point in my life where I can live life comfortably I'm glad I can see people like you do it and give me courage to do it myself.
- Small Town Boy

Small Town Boy I'd like to say that I'm honored that you would entrust me with such a serious, potentially life altering question, I really do appreciate that.

Okay, first off I need to let you know that it's not necessarily that your family and friends don't love you or wouldn't love you if they found out that you were gay. It's that the gay thing is something that they don't understand. Human beings are known to fear what we don't understand and out of that fear we defend ourselves, striking back against that thing.

As with your family and close friend and most of our society at-large, their issues with homosexuality and homosexuals are a result of cultural conditioning and religious belief. Religion is a very powerful thing. To have billions of people believe in and obey something, based on fear, whether it be the words of the Bible, the Torah, the Qu'ran, etc., wholeheartedly, with no questions asked is power of unfathomable proportions. Religion has been the force behind every war on this Earth since the beginning of time. Everybody believes that they're doing their god's will, that only their religion is right, so much so that they are willing to fight and die for it. So if someone's religious texts condemn homosexuality, as all three of the aforementioned texts do, the followers of those religions will also. For you, who is someone your family and close friend presumably love and care about to come out and say you're a homosexual, in their mind you are making them choose between supporting you and supporting their god. Their god is usually gonna win.

This reminds me of when I came out to my parents, who are ministers and are super religious. My mother actually came to me about four years ago about being gay. She asked me and I told her the truth, that yes I am gay. Wanna know what the first thing she said to me was: "You know you're going to hell, right?" See, religion, in it's truest form. Adherents using fear as a way to keep themselves and each other in line. When I heard her say that I wasn't even offended because I knew that's what she was gonna say because that's how we were raised. That's religion. It's when she told me that "If you continue in this lifestyle you'll be dead before you're thirty." that really hurt. Just now, four years later I'm finally over it and only because I know that that statement was just a product of fear and of course I don't believe or receive any of it. I will not only see thirty, but I will live prosperously and abundantly long, long, long after it. But her saying that still has left put damage on our relationship that will probably never be fully repaired.

On a side note let me say to my straight readers out there: Be careful what you say if ever your child was to come out to you and say that they're gay. Granted, it may not be what you want for them, but it's their life and you can't live it for them. Although your child coming out my be devastating news to you, you cannot respond out of anger and fear. Remember, after all the shock and anger that's still your child and if you want to retain a healthy relationship with him or her after such a sensitive time you must choose your words carefully.

After I came out to my mother that day I went to work that night and jumped on Craigslist looking for apartments because I figured that my religious parents would not have a homo living in their house. Surprisingly, my mother wanted me to stay, probably in an effort to keep closer tabs on me, but stay nevertheless. I stayed until they moved down south two years ago and I moved into my own apartment here in New York. This goes to show that sometimes our family and friends won't necessarily react as harshly as we think. Sometimes we have to give them a little more credit. So from that day on my mother knew, I knew and for the next four years we lived in a stalemate. I was respectfully living my life as a gay man, being respectfully discreet around my parents and she lived in her denial, hoping that it was just a phase I was going through, until a few months ago when I officially came out to my whole family.

The main reason why I was so apt to come out to my mother when she asked me was because I was prepared. If she were to kick me out that day I had a full time job and was mentally and financially prepared to live elsewhere if need be. Being gay or being anything outside the norm calls for being fiercely independent. Unfortunately because we live in a society and among people who don't fully support us we must be able to fully support ourselves (and one day hopefully each other, but that's a whole 'nother blog post). I was 21 when I came out and you are now 19. Where do you work? Are you going to school? Are you financially and mentally prepared to live elsewhere if your family wanted nothing to do with you? It's wonderful to be out and free like a grown-up, but business must be taken care of first. If you are dependent on your parents to take care of you then you are still a child, living in their house and are bound by their rules. If you wanna live by your own rules then you gotta get your own house. If you want your parents to respect your lifestyle, you must first respect theirs.

So for now if you cannot take care of yourself I say don't come out just yet. Get a job, save your money, make preparations to get your own place, preferably out of that town and in a place like New York or if you wanted to say in the South, I'd suggest Atlanta. In a bigger city there are more opportunities for you as a young person in terms of work and education. There are also gay districts in cities such as these which will make for better social opportunities, better for you to possibly find new friends and a mate. Large cities like Atlanta and New York are filled to the brim with small town immigrants yearning to breathe free.

Coming out to my whole family later down the line was no big deal to me because I'm independent. I live on my own and don't ask anyone for anything. Being independent, even though all of my family may not agree with everything I do with my life, they have to respect me because I'm my own man. I would not get that same respect if I had my hand out asking them for money every three seconds. And as a result coming out to them was easy and they took it even better than I thought. Being on your own makes coming out so much easier for you and them and they'll respect you more for it.

I know that it's painful to live in the closet when you really want to be out, but you must understand how important timing is with all of this. Unfortunately so many of us, gays and transsexuals come out way before we are ready, thinking with our emotions and not with our heads. Many of us come out in our teenage years, parents kick us out and we are out on the streets with incomplete education and no place to go. This road usually leads to unhealthy relationship choices, prostitution or other illegal means just to stay alive. This is tragic but it doesn't have to be this way. As horrible as living in the closet is, due to the society we live in, sometimes it's necessary for a while, especially if we are dependent on someone else for our survival. Our ultimate goal should be to become independent so we can live our lives however we see fit. So devise a plan and think before you act.

As far as your close friend or any friend is concerned. We can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends. Any friend that would have an issue with you being who you are is someone you don't need in your life. But in my experience, my straight friends, even the male ones were much better about me coming out than even my family members. If someone is really your best friend, you being straight or gay shouldn't matter. If it does then that's not your friend. But as far as your individual case is concerned I would say because you live in a\that small town where everybody knows everybody it's probably best to tell no one including your friend until you get your plan together.

Now is the time for you to work on you, get your mind right, get your money right, get your education right so you can be the person you want to be and stand on your own two feet. I know being young and not living in the most ideal situation is hard, but you can't rush things. Coming out is big business, basically you are declaring that you are living a different life than the one you we're taught to live. Maybe your parents can deal with that and maybe they can't, but you need to be prepared either way. In a perfect world, gay wouldn't be such a big deal, but unfortunately it is. You wanna be grown, you wanna be free, you wanna live by your own rules? You gotta pay the cost to be the boss. Start devising your plan.

You'll be fine. I promise.
-Adam

If you ever want to email me a question, problem or issue to be
possibly shared here or just wanna say "Hi." click here to send me an email. And of course whatever you send is anonymous, you don't even have to give your name.

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Playing In The Background...
"Work That"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
and
"I'm Coming Out"
by Diana Ross
from the album "Diana"
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"Do, Do you got a first aid kit handy? Do, Do you know how to patch up a wound...

Damaged, damaged
Damaged, damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is
Damaged, damaged
So Damaged
And you can blame the one before
So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it...

Tell me are you up for the challenge
Cause my heart is damaged..."
 -Danity Kane
  from the song "Damaged"

Being single again has really given me some time to think about who I am and why I am the way I am in relationships and why all of my relationships have failed. The thing is, well, I'm an extremely nice person. Not nice to others to the detriment of myself, so much, at least not consciously, but yeah, I'm really nice. I was taught growing up that 'it's nice to be nice".

I grew up with a father who was far from perfect, but a damn good provider for his family. He made sure that we were all taken care of, me, my mother and my siblings, before even thinking about thinking about himself. I remember him giving my mother, a stay at home mom, his whole paycheck every pay period so she could pay all the bills and manage the house while he worked. The only time we'd really set to do something special for him, something tangible, was Father's Day or his birthday. Even then he'd get the same old thing every year, a shirt and a tie or something. But when he received that shirt and tie from us he treated it like it was pure gold, he loved and cherished it and would tell anyone he met who'd listen long enough about what we'd gotten him. More important to him than the yearly trinkets he'd receive from us, my father rejoiced in the fact that we were happy. It made him happy to see us happy. To see his family with the best filled him with pride as a provider, as a father, as a man. That happiness is what pulled him through those days working as hard as he did for forty years before he retired. While I didn't appreciate it nearly as much as a should have as a child, being a man now, typing this paragraph I'm actually holding back tears from my eyes thinking of all his sacrificed for us and never thought anything of it and never wanted any undue praise or fanfare for it. While it seems like such a extraordinary feat in our world of deadbeat dads, downlow brothas, and talk show paternity tests, my dad simply did what a real man is supposed to do.

Growing up, everyone said I looked so much and acted so much like my mother, with her dry, church lady, sanctified sarcasm and fierce one-liners. My mother is the only person I know that can cuss you out without using one cuss word. She can read you in the name of Jesus, say a prayer over you, tip her Sunday-go-to-meeting hat and send you on your way. I thought that a lot of these characteristics carried over into my being gay. But as I get older I'm realizing now with pride that I'm becoming more and more like my father everyday.

Unfortunately, attributes like honor, faithfulness (outside of sexual activity, yes faithful does have more than one meaning), responsibility and just plain being nice aren't much appreciated in the gay community. Our endless pursuit of youth, parties, designer labels, and whatever's or whoever's considered new and fabulous has left such time-honored virtues by the wayside. In my relationships I am much like my dad, minus the fiscal obligations as I've never been married, have no kids and am not taking care of no grown-ass man (Get a job nigga! Oh wow, that was personal, dedicated to all my deadbeat exes, the ones I dated in '05-'06). That fiscal and provider responsibly that my father had to his wife and kids as a straight man translates into emotional responsibility for me as a gay man as I give my all to whoever I'm with and like my dad it makes me happy to see them happy, to put a smile on their face. Like my dad, that's what's most important to me, not necessarily having things for myself. I don't mind sharing my wealth (not necessarily financial wealth) with someone. Unlike most gays I know, I don't like clubs and I was never into labels, now I'm more into saving money than anything else. In a partner I want someone that I can chill and build something with, and give to emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially and have it given back or at the very least appreciated. The more superficial things just don't matter so much to me. Sometimes I feel like yes, of course, I'm obviously gay, but so not gay all at the same time.

As I sat and talked to Pubby last week, he finally acknowledged how much of myself I gave to him when we were together. I gave him, it, us, my all. I loved him with every cell in my body, ever fiber of my being. I broke my back to make that shit work, doing all I possibly could, but I was not getting the love back. Then he said to me that he just wasn't ready for that again yet and that that's why he was so neglectful as far as I was concerned and that he had just come out of something when we first met. etc,. etc,. etc... Then I just kinda tuned out. As much as this was a revelation for him it wasn't for me. I'd heard this all before. Below is the amended version of how my relationships work. I also recommend that you check out the blog post that fully details how my relationships work. Anyway:

I find someone.

I get with them.

I fall for them.

I give my everything.

Everything seems okay.

They start neglecting me.

It drives me crazy.

It hurts my feelings.

I break it off with them.

They don't care because I guess they weren't so into me in the first place.

We have the post break-up closure conversation in which they tell me that they just weren't ready for what I was looking for and that they've just gotten out of something, long term with someone else and there's still feelings and baggage there, yadda, yadda, yadda, etc., etc., etc... I've had this conversation so many times I could finish their sentences at this point. So what is it about me that draws these people to me? I know I sure as hell didn't go out looking for this stream of heartbreak and disappointment that is my romantic life. I'm not trying to be the proverbial "Captain Save-A-Ho" scouting for wounded souls to gentrify into the perfect companion. And who are these people that leave them so heartbroken? They always seems to have given their everything to these deadbeats in long term relationships and got fucked over so bad that there's nothing left for me. Why do I always have to be the rebound dude, the one who has to carry the leftover baggage from the last dude until my arms get tired and I end up dropping the shit? How can I get down with being first? Is this why I've never been in a long term relationship, because I'm always receiving damaged goods? Is it because I'm a nice guy? Is nobody gonna give me love unless I fuck them over too? 'Cuz the nigga that fucks them over, they all go running back to them, leaving me standing there with my open and pure heart, looking like an ass every time. This shit is crazy. When a nigga is obviously fucking me over I leave his ass alone. Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you're getting mistreated? If you find a good man and you know he's a good man, doing all he can for the relationship, trying to make you happy, why would you leave that or neglect that for someone who makes you unhappy. I don't get it.

I mean, dammit Danity Kane! How am I gonna "fix it, fix it, fix it" if they keep going back to the same dude that messed them up in the first place? Maybe I'm just not "up for the challenge" anymore? I'm throwing my "first aid kit" away. I'm tired of playing doctor, I'm closing the practice. All I want is a fair fuckin' shake. I come in fresh and healed up, all my past let go, you come in fresh and healed up, all your past let go and we just do this.

Like I said, unfortunately my values system just doesn't seem to fit in with gay life. In the words of Lil' Kim "Sometimes I feel like I'm from another fuckin' world..." and with my upbringing, way of thinking and values system in comparison to most gay men I know, I guess I am.

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Playing In The Background...
"Damaged"
by Danity Kane
from the album "Welcome To The Dollhouse"
and
"Custom Made (Give It To You)"
by Lil' Kim
from the album "Notorious K.I.M."
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One of the most beautiful days of my life was the day that I reconciled my belief in God with the fact that I'm gay. Unfortunately I can't take a red marker out and circle the day on the calendar as I can't really pinpoint it. I've discussed everything here except my individual spiritual beliefs so I thought I'd touch on it a bit or even grope it seductively if you will.

I'm not typing this blog post from home. Wednesday night after work I left New York to come to my parent's house in here Virginia Beach or as I call it "Jesus' summer home". My parents are super religious Pentecostal/Apostolics who are registered democrats but actually voted for Bush in the last election because they didn't wanna "go to hell for supporting that mess", that mess being the gay marriage issue that Kerry supported. My question is, what about all the other mess you are supporting by voting for Bush, like war, murder, genocide, etc? But none of that stuff matters as long as the faggots can't get married. How they ended up with me, the gay blogger as their kid is evidence of God's sense of humor. Statements like that are quite commonplace coming from religious folks like my parents. That's why even though I believe in God, I don't believe in organized religion, church, church folks (I don't date them either, read about that in this post), or Presidents Bush.

I've spent the last few days readying myself to not speak of the big pink jeweled elephant that is my sexuality while I'm in the state of Virginia. This is how we get along. We all know but we don't talk about it. It's our coping mechanism. It's dysfunctional but it works for us. I think that our silence is born of  mutual respect for each other. Because if we had a big argument and told each other how we really feel we'd probably never speak again. I've learned that some things are better left unsaid and even if they do say something off color not necessarily directed at me I brush it off. They're older people, it's force of habit, they were conditioned to believe these things. They don't know any better.

In spite of what people like my parents think about me being gay I still believe that God loves me and is with me just like anyone else. As easy as it would be for me to be a "gay-thiest" like my friend Lawrence ("Gay-thiest" is term I use for a gay person who doesn't believe in God mostly as a knee jerk reaction of the church's distaste with homosexuality as opposed to making that decision purely of their own volition) I can't. Even though I totally get why the idea of God would be unattractive to a gay person. Look at the religious people who are supposed to be his representatives. They say that God is all about love, which I believe he is but it seems like all they ever speak about is hate. A shining example of that is the website GodHatesFags.com, put together by the slack-jawed evangelicals at Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas (be sure to check out their whole series of retarded ass websites GodHatesAmerica.com, GodHatesCanada.com, and GodHatesSweden.com especially if you're looking for a good laugh or need to throw up today). They sound like hypocrites. I like you feel that almost orgasmic satisfaction when one of them are exposed for the phonies they are (Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Larry Craig, etc), but they to me are just religious fanatical church people, they are not God. God is has blessed me so much and has been there with me, gay and all on a personal level from the beginning so much so that no Bible, book, or Bush can convince me otherwise. But in my effort to be totally objective and non judgmental I decided to explore the world of atheism.

I saw a post on a message board a while ago written by a fellow gay man, a supporter of EvilBible.com, an interesting website written by an atheist woman in an effort to "spread the vicious truth about the Bible". She proclaims that "the so called God of the Bible makes Osama Bin Laden look like a boyscout". Some of her points, though oddly fanatical, actually made a lot of sense. Namely where she said that the whole idea of God doesn't make sense. It wasn't a huge revelation to me though, I actually knew that already. Everything about God is based on faith, ya gotta believe it to receive it and if you don't believe it, what is there to talk about? The website is basically a character assault on the Bible, a book whose merits I'm not fully sold on anyway. I even checked out the American Atheists website which along with anti-Christian rhetoric gives  instructions on how to have an atheist wedding and coming out to your family as an atheist. Sounding oddly familiar?

The thing that kills me about the Atheists and the Christians Evangelicals is how much alike they are. The Atheists, as much as they say they aren't, are religious too. Their religion is non-religion and they preach it and proselytize their non-gospel on the web just as much and with as much fervor as the Evangelicals do. They both have the attitude of "I'm right and you're wrong!" What confuses me about them is if they don't believe in God, why talk about him? He doesn't exist, right? So what's to talk about? What's to make a whole website about? It's like arguing the validity of Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, it's crazy. If you don't believe in God, then just simply don't believe in God. I thought that the atheist websites would be cool, open, evolved and forward thinking. But they sound and even look a lot the websites for them crazy hicks at Westboro Baptist Church. 

Whatever happened to live and let live? That's what I believe. I think that everyone should do what works for them as long they aren't hurting anyone else. As corny and cliche as this sounds I'm a spiritual person. I believe in God but that's my belief. I don't try to push my beliefs off on anybody. I'm even respectful of church folks like my parents and all of their crazy beliefs. Whatever you believe, at the end of the day  just be sure to believe in yourself.

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Playing In The Background...
"If You Really Knew"
by Out Of Eden
from the album "No Turning Back"
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I called my mother today. We had our usual "Hi. How ya doin'?" small talk, being careful not to say too much as not to delve into all the whole gay thing I'm doing now. My mother still thinks that "I'm just a freak who likes sex" and that it's "just a phase" (she's right about the first part though). Unlike almost all of our previous conversations she hasn't asked me when I'm making my way to Virginia Beach to see everyone, a trip I have been subconsciously putting off all summer. See I have a love/hate relationship with Virginia Beach and anywhere else in this country besides New York. I love Wal Mart, I hate everything else. Toward the end of our oft interrupted conversation (I was at work) she dropped the bomb on me. She is coming to New York Labor Day weekend along with my father and my sisters and they are staying at my small ass apartment.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family and now that it's had about two hours to sink in I'm actually excited to have them come up. As I typed that sentence my mind immediately flashed to the Tiger Tyson DVD on my nightstand, you know the one where he's smiling and the young blatino boy (not like boy, boy, but like over 18 man-boy) is sucking his dick, ooh, well that's like all of them, but you get my point, and all the small purple and clear bottles of Astroglide in my drawer, and all the NYC Condoms I've got laying around everywhere, and all the party fliers with the naked boys (man-boys) on them, ooh and let's not forget all the porn on my computers, and those naked pictures of me on my iPhoto, and the ones where I'm kissing my boyfriend (who she's never met but i'm sure she's heard about through one of my sisters), yikes! I'm so fuckin' gay. I've really gotta give my place the parental clean up before they get up here. As much as I want my parents to respect the fact that I'm gay they are getting up in age and I don't wanna give them heart attacks. I'm not ashamed of my gayness but I don't want my parents to know the kinda freak I really am. And I would want them to see that gay life is more than just sex... it is, really, right?

I actually miss them a lot. Even though I'm gay and they're straight, I think they're judgmental and they think I'm gonna burn in hell, they're still my parents and at the end of the day I'm still they're baby. I have a confession to make, don't laugh but I still call my parents "Mommy" and "Daddy", I'm so ashamed.

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Playing In The Background...
"Wake Up Call"
by Maroon 5
from the album "It Won't Be Soon Before Long"
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If you've been reading the blog you would probably would have noticed that I dont talk much about my family or anything outside of gay life, events, and my taudry sex-capades (don't you just love those LOL). But since today is Father's Day I thought it would be fitting to talk about my relationship with my father and with that I'll be christening yet another category on the blog, the "Family" category.

Friday afternoon as I was making my rounds to some of the other black gay blogs I ran into ShawnQT's Blog and I read his latest post entitled "F*ck Fathers". Needless to say, it was a pretty heavy post speaking about his relationship with his father. After reading his post I began to think about my relationship with my father. His post moved me so much that I had to reply. I said:

"Dayum, that was heavy... but it did make me think tho... I grew up with my father and mother together. They'll be married 30 years this year. My father was there, even though at times I wish he weren't, he was far from perfect and we didn't get along most of my young life. We're okay now though. He's really trying hard to be close to me in my adult life but I keep pushing him away. He called me twice the other day and I have yet to call him back. After reading your post I feel as though I should call him back. He's not perfect and event hough we never talked about the past or really resolved it at least he's trying... right? Thank you for your post. Really man... thanks."

Basically that's it in a nutshell. My father and I didn't really get along when I was younger. I'm not gonna go into so much detail as I don't remember everything, most of which I've blocked out. My parents separated for about a year and a half when I was younger. I can hardly remember that, I don't even rememer how old I was, it had to be sometime between seven and ten years-old, I totally blocked that out.  All I can really remember is that he would yell, and say things, bad things... a lot. And I remember crying... a lot. He was never really physically violent (my mother wasn't having that!) but he would make threats. My mother would say that it was due to the fact that he had been physically abused by his father as a child and it is true that hurting people do hurt people. And not to make excuses for his behavior but I know it must have been hard for him as a black man working to support his family in our society especially since he didn't finish high school due to the fact that his father died when he was teenager and he had to go to work to help support his family. Then there's the generation gap thing. My father is forty years older than me, which is something pretty uncommon for people my age. He's old enough to be my grandfather. A lot of things about me he just wouldnt understand.

As I said in my reply on ShawnQT's blog. My father does make attempts to get closer to me now as an adult. They seem genuine, I mean, I know they're genuine but there's a part of me that thinks 'too little too late nigga'. We get along, we're civil but I have to admit even though he loves me and I love him something in me will never let me get too close to him. I mean we're cool but I don't see us going fishing anytime soon. Above all else and beyond all the lovey-dovey emotional stuff I do respect the man's bottom line. He always had a job and he always did what he had to do to support his family but even that I can't give him too much props for because that's what a father is supposed to do. But what I can give him today is a phone call.