Recently in Online Dating Horror Stories Category

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I'm reposting this one because it's a classic, one of my absolute favorites and one people still talk about to this day. If I didn't live this one I wouldn't believe it myself.

Enjoy.

Originally posted on September 11, 2007 10:15 AM
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I'm an advocate for online dating. I think it's great. Of course like any other kind of dating you should be careful about meeting strangers and you should be selective of who, when, where, and how long it will take before you are ready to meet somebody. On the other hand everyone is a stranger until you get to know them, right? To me meeting people online much better than getting dressed and going out to a club because it's free and you can do it in the privacy of your own home and talk to as many people as you want to one time and rejection is just a click of a mouse! All their info is on their profile, it's like ordering takeout. This series will focus on some of the not so good experiences I've had with online dating.
Enjoy.
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This has to be the absolute worst date I have ever had and I have had some bad ones, as you know. I wouldn't believe this story if I hadn't lived it myself.

I was online in the middle of the night at work about two years ago. I was talking to this guy. Unlike most guys I've talked to online he lived two states away. We talked online and over the phone for about a week. Things seemed to be going well considering the fact that we had only known each other for such a short period of time. Being the proactive person that I am I offered to take a bus to go out there where he was and stay over with him the next time I had a day off from work. He was delighted and anxious to meet me in person.

So a few days later I boarded a bus to go and meet him. Let's call him Long Distance Lover, LDL for short. Now you know LDL had to provide me with dayum near a magazine quality photo spread before I agreed to travel that far to meet him. My philosophy with photo spreads is this. Expect the person to look like their worst picture in the photo spread. If you can deal with that, then you can deal with the person. Remember, photos capture only a moment in time, a mere nanosecond of a person's existence, lighting and angles are everything. I always say if you meet anyone from online, the more photos the better.

LDL met me at the bus station once I arrived to his city. As I thought, he looked the most like his worst picture, which was okay. He wasn't drop dead gorgeous, but I wasn't about to use my return ticket right then either. We walked from there to his house. He'd already informed me that he lived with his mother who he told me was okay with my sleepover visit and his sexuality in general. You know I had to ask, I ain't that crazy.

When we reached LDL's place his mom was there, she was cooking at the time. I met her, she seemed very nice, but as much as I hate to speak ill of anyone's mother I have to say that LDL's mom didn't seem to be all there mentally. She seemed as though she had suffered through some type of mental problem or trauma in her past, she didn't seem dangerous, or scary though. She was very nice, warm and accommodating, she even offered me some of the dinner she was cooking. I ate and it was good. I had just gotten off work early that morning and I was really tired. LDL showed me to the room where I'd be sleeping and I took my clothes off and took a little nap.

I drifted in and out of sleep in LDL's bed unable to really get comfortable, number one because I was in another state in a strange bed, number two because everyone else in the house was still awake. LDL came up and and chilled with me for a while. I remember us messing around for a little bit but nothing significant happened. He left and went back downstairs and I drifted off back into my pseudo-sleep. In one of my more awake moments out of slightly opened eyes I saw his mother come into the room for a second, she did something and quickly left. I'm not sure exactly how much time had past but my fatigue had taken over and I finally fell asleep. I was awakened by the sound of LDL and his mother arguing from downstairs.

"Who's that naked man in my bed?"

LDL's mother yelled. He yelled back something indistinguishable. I'm laying there like 'What the fuck?' Still somewhere between awake and asleep hoping this shyt is some kinda crazy dream. I hear her yell again:

"Who's that naked man in my bed?"

'Oh shyt! This is fuckin' real! What the fuck is going on?' I thought. As I opened my eyes I noticed that the room was oddly feminine. Why the fuck would this nigga have me sleeping in his mother's bed? There are two bedrooms in the house. And does she not know what was going on? She was cool a little while ago. Then I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. I close my eyes and pretend like I'm asleep. LDL comes into the room, takes the phone and goes back downstairs. A few seconds later I hear LDL saying something like this:

"Hello, police....
My mother is here and I need her picked up.
She's mentally unstable and refuses to take her medication.
She has become violent."

'Oh hell fuckin' no! I gotta get outta here!' I thought as I sat up trying to devise a plan. Unfortunately there's only one exit and I can't get out without going past them and Lord only knows what's going on downstairs. Several minutes later I hear more footsteps coming up the stairs. I almost got whiplash I flung my head back down on that pillow so fast. LDL's mother comes into the room, takes me by my hand and leads down the stairs.

"See, this the naked man in my bed, I'm not crazy!"

LDL's mother said as I stood there dumbfounded in the middle of the living room floor in my boxers in front of her, LDL, and two police officers. Okay, the police have been called, this is officially the worst date ever.

"Go back upstairs!"
LDL yells at me.

"I don't understand why my son punkin' like this..."
LDL's mom says, nearly crying.

"Do you know this gentleman?"
The policeman on the left asks me.

"Yeah we're friends..."
I answer.

"I don't understand why my son punkin' like this..."
LDL's mom repeats.

"Go back upstairs!"
LDL yells at me again.

I'm 'bout tired of this nigga yellin' at me. It ain't my fault his mama crazy. He shoulda told me this shyt. This is the typa shyt you fuckin' tell a person before they travel to another state. I proceeded to go upstairs and start putting on my shyt. 'I'm getting the fuck outta here!' I thought. A few minutes later LDL comes upstairs and sees me getting ready to go.

"What you doin'?"

"Gettin' up outta here."
I answer.

"Why, why you leavin'?"

This nigga can't be serious.
"'Cuz I see Im' causing a problem here."

"Nah, it's aight. She's gone. They took her. You couldn't get back on a bus anyway now. The bus station is closed. So you mind as well stay until in the morning."

I look at my cell phone and notice that it's after one in the morning. Shyt! That bus station probably won't open until at least five or six. Once I realized I was stuck I undressed again and climbed back into bed with him. He tried to mess around with me but at that point I was still tired and really, really, really not in the mood. All I wanted to do was go home. He kept pressuring me though and we ended up doing a little something. I was so not into it though. Soon after we went to sleep. I totally regretted this whole thing and vowed to never travel this far for a date again. A few hours later we were awakened by a loud banging on the door.

"Let me in! Let me in!"

You guessed it, homegirl was back. I'm not sure how she got back but she was back. By this time it was a little after 5am and pouring raining outside. I'm laying there, totally not believing this shyt is happening to me. He went downstairs to let her in. He managed to find a way to calm her down and get her quiet. After that we switched rooms. Me and LDL were downstairs on the couch and his mother slept upstairs in her bed. That led me to ask him why the fuck we were in her bed to begin with. I also wondering what the hell fuckin' body they were hiding in that other bedroom? This whole thing was too weird for words. I was ready to go.

He explained to me that ever since his mother got sick they slept in the bed upstairs together, but tonight was different because I was here. She was scared to sleep alone. Touching story, violins playing, all that, but I wondered why he didn't bother telling me any of this before I got there. We didn't have to sleep together. I was totally fine chillin' with him and then sleeping alone on the couch. LDL coulda slept with his mother. I didn't mind, especially if it would have helped to avoid this mess. Oh yeah, and judging from his mother's reaction in front of the police LDL wasn't one hundred percent forthright with his mom about his sexuality. The nigga lied to me. So I was really over him now.

To give LDL the benefit of the doubt I guess he was tired of sleeping with his mom. He was a grown ass gay man with hormones and like the rest of us grown ass gay men I'm sure he wants to feel the touch of another man sometimes (all the time for some of us). Thankfully I have never been in the place to have to take care of a debilitated parent, I'm sure it's hard and on top of that he's all alone.

An alarm clock goes off, it's 9 am. LDL wakes up for work and asks me whether I wanted to go to work for a few hours with him or stay there as we were supposed to spend the day together. After last night I was so not into it anymore. In an effort to accelerate my escape back to New York I told him that I'd rather stay and that he could come back and scoop me up later. LDL leaves. Of course that means I was alone in the house with LDL's mother. She was upstairs asleep and this was my perfect opportunity to sneak out. In retrospect I shoulda just told his ass 'Yo mama crazy, I'm over this, I'm leaving.' But I really didn't wanna discuss this with him and I know he was already embarrassed enough after how his mom behaved the night before. I figured at the time that slipping out was the least dramatic way to handle things.

As I quietly slipped on the rest of my clothes. I realize that I left the olive green Lacoste polo I was wearing upstairs in the room. 'Oh well, fuck the shirt!' I thought as there was no way in hell I was going back up there. I heard LDL's mother come downstairs and start stirring around, of course that was my cue to pretend I was asleep again. Just then LDL called me on my cell phone. I didn't answer. He called again, and again, and again. Then he called the house phone there. His mother answers the phone. I realized that he was gonna ask her for me. The butterflies were fluttering like crazy in my stomach as I felt her presence come closer to me with the phone.

"It's for you."
She says to me leaning over the back of the pull out couch with the receiver in hand.

"Oh and I'm so sorry for last night, baby."
She continued, and flashed me the sincerest of smiles as I took the phone from her hand.

It was LDL. He was telling me that he was gonna send his friend to come pick me up in a little while. Little did he know my black ass was gonna be long gone before that happened. So after the conversation with LDL I snuck back upstairs to get my Lacoste polo. Shyt, mama was fine now I may as well get all my shyt before I bounce. As I quietly made my way out just inches from the doorknob. LDL's mother stops me.

"Excuse me baby, I was supposed to pick up a refill of these pills from the drug store. Can you get them for me baby?"

Is she fuckin' serious? This is the same woman that no more than ten hours ago dragged me in front of the police in my underwear like I was a common criminal. Now she wants me to do her favors like I'm the son she never had. Homegirl really is crazy. I was too close to getting the hell out of there to argue. She handed me the bottle of pills and I pretended to phone the pharmacy (without pressing any buttons on my cell phone, she didn't notice). After my fake conversation with the pharmacist I told her that they said she would have to come and pick up the medication herself.

And that was it. I was outside, I was free. I ran my black ass back to that bus station like I never ran before. I navigated the streets of that city like I had lived there my whole life. Thank God for my good memory and impeccable sense of direction. I didn't make one wrong turn. All the while LDL was blowing up my cell phone. I didn't answer and I was on the lookout for him as well. I wasn't in the mood to be nice, I wasn't in the mood to understand, I wasn't in the mood to explain, I just wanted to go home.

I finally got to the bus station. I found out that the next bus back to New York was leaving at 11am. By that time it was a little past 10. The bus station was all glass in front and I knew that LDL was probably looking for me. So I hid out in the back, obscured between the snack and soda vending machines until the bus arrived. I had never been so happy to see a bus in all my life. All during the ride back to New York LDL kept blowing up my phone. He had to have called like 20 times. I so didn't feel like talking to him.

The next day he called me again. This time I answered. He asked me whether I wanted to continue speaking to him as if not answering his four hundred and twenty-six phone calls weren't enough of a sign. I kindly told him that I did not want to continue speaking to him and I haven't heard from him ever since.

I feel for LDL as his situation was quite unfortunate. He should have told me about his circumstances before I came to visit him. I know it's a hard thing to tell someone that you hardly know but in this situation it was definitely necessary. He was a cool person, if he had told me about his mom I honestly would have understood and probably would have come to see him anyway. He also should have also not changed his routine with his mom so abruptly. I would have been cool adjusting to the way things were in their home. My presence was no reason to switch things up. Hopefully this experience taught LDL to tell people the full truth before inviting them over.

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Playing In The Background...
"Long Distance Love"
by Tamia
from the album "A Nu Day"
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I'm single, and I get lonely sometimes. Lately I've been too busy to notice, but sometimes at night when I'm in bed alone and horny it creeps up on me. Those are the times when I could call an old standby jumpoff or go online and try to score something real quick, but what's that really gonna do? The person will come and I'll fuck them, knowing good and damn well I don't want them, don't like them, and probably wouldn't claim their ass in the street, but I know that  because the person likes me that will let me have my nasty way with them whenever I feel like it. Pity sex, we've all done it. Deep down inside, I know that shit is wrong, so I've refrained. I promised myself, no more pity fucking in 2008. I will not stick my dick inside anyone who I know good and damn well I would never want to see again.

Speaking of single and lonely, I've been back online, back on the dating sites, you know BGC, A4A, M4N. Well, I should say that my account's been online because I haven't physically had the time to log in in a minute. Yesterday I had a whole bunch of work to catch up on on my computer and I decided to leave the sites on the background, checking periodically to see if I got hit up. Ya know, hey, why the hell not? If I'm gonna be stuck working hard on the computer all day I may as well try to see if I could have some company over for when I decide to take a break. There's gotta be another lonely, good-looking, normal, hardworking soul like me out there, right?

Hmmm, well, thankfully I did manage to get a lot of work done, because after being signed on to the sites, running in the background for ten hours, nothing. Absolutely, nothing. Oh, it's not that I didn't get hit up, oh no, it's not that, it's just who I got hit up by that was the problem, same ol', same ol'. I can separate them into their different types:

The ones I'm not attracted to:
Most people who hit me up fall into this category. I'm picky, what can I say? I mean, is what it is, I don't hit them back. That's the unwritten rule of internet dating. If someone hits you up and you're not feeling them, you don't hit them back. No hard feelings. But then there's the people that I'm not attracted to that after I don't hit them back don't seem to get the point and continue to send me messages. Like, what's the point of that?

The creepy white men:
No offense to white men at all, and I'm sure there are many normal white males online out there looking for affection, love you guys, but I'm just being real here. The white men that hit me up online 99.999999% of the time fall into one or both of these two categories. They are either the old ones who hit me up looking to pay for sex, you know the ones who send you messages that say things like "How are you thi$ evening?" and shit like that, like ewwww, how disgusting and creepy is that? Then there are the ones that only get off on my being black and quote-unquote "forbidden" and think that all young urban black males are hung, studly, thugs who exist only to fulfill their creepy desires to be ravaged, smacked around, punished and disrespected by big black dicks. They say shit like "I'd love to drain your big black cock" or "I got some white boy pussy for that big black cock" and 'ol nasty shit like that. I mean, what the fuck happened to hello? Both of those types, the big spender and the 'dick-o-phant' are both creepy as hell. All that stuff's not just confined to white men though, I had an older black guy hit me up asking me to go with him on a ski trip, all expenses paid. Yeah, right?

My fellow top friends:
On my profile it says clear as motherfuckin' day that I'm a top. But some people don't let a little thing like that that stop them from trying to fuck you. They hit you up and say things like "Yo son, if you wasn't a top I would definitely hit that" or "You ain't no top, you look like you need dick in ya life" and the best one yet "Yo son, you need to find a bottom and I'll come and help you dig that out." Like I need some other dude's help and if I did find a bottom I don't want your bum ass slobbering all over him, no thanks. And of course these people are almost always looking a hot ass mess, that is if they even have a picture on their profile, which they they usually don't, and if they do it's a picture of some greasy ass, funny looking dick as if that shit is supposed to impress me and what's even worse is that these losers are usually like 30, hitting me up trying to sound like Fabolous or somebody. Like, get real? I don't even give tops the time of day because I'm not tryna relive Online Dating Horror Story # 4.

People without pics:
I don't even know why they waste their time. This is 2008. There are cameras, web cams, digital cameras, scanners, and camera phones everywhere. There is no reason for any of us not to have pictures in digital format at our disposal, none. They need to take their Quasimodo lookin ass back under the bridge with that shit. Oh yeah, then there's the "You know what I'm sayin' son. I don't put my pics online 'cuz i'm DL" guy, whoopti-fuckin-do, that's even worse. Either way, I don't know why they waste their time.

The miscellaneous weirdos:
There was the guy around my age who hit me up yesterday, not bad looking, but a foot fetishist. He hit me up asking me how I take care of my feet. Wow.

Yeah, some day yesterday was. Now I see why people aren't on the sites so much anymore because there seems to be no more normal attractive people left on there. Maybe I need to leave the shit alone before I get all lumped in among the crazies. I mean, damn, do all the freaks come out online?

After a day of nothing, I was done with my work and decided to relax. At about 8pm this guy hits me up online. He looked pretty good in his pic, but that was the problem. There was only one picture and you know what that probably means. So I gave him my number, he called and the first question I asked him was whether he had anymore pics on like a MySpace page or something. He told me that he didn't have a MySpace. What the fuck did he mean he didn't have a MySpace, my ten year old nephew has a MySpace. There are fucking cats and dogs with MySpace pages, what the bloody hell did he mean, he didn't have a MySpace page? What the fuck? Oh hell no! A million alarms were going off in my head. He wanted to come over and I was having serious doubts about this. In an attempt to soothe my apprehension he uttered the words "Nah, don't worry son, I'm official." That made things worse, my apprehension was even stronger now, especially since that's the same thing Chim Chim Chimney, Online Dating Horror Story #2 said and we know how that turned out.

Before I knew it we were off the phone and he was on his way. Thankfully I only told him what stop to get off on the subway and did not give him my address. I refused to go through another pity date, that could possibly lead to pity sex that I'd feel super shitty about in the morning. I had to stop this. So I sent him a text message about five minutes after we got off the phone. I would have called but I didn't feel like having to explain myself, and besides, just in case he was a whiner I didn't wanna hear him bitch about my decision.

A: "I know this is gonna sound crazy but... don't bother coming. I'm not really confident in ur looks as u only have 1 pic and I wouldn't wanna waste your time. Hopefully this catches you before you leave home."

No Pic Guy: "It's all good."

A: "Thanks. I had to think about that, ya know?"

NPG: "I'm good, you just missed out on a sexy ass nigga."

A: "So you say. It wasn't worth the risk. I'll live. Have yourself a good night. :)"

And there you have it. He probably thought I was weird as hell but he didn't know the type of day I'd had. I don't regret what I did because more than likely, based on experience, Murphy's Law, and the law of averages, he was a hot mess. So I masturbated and once I busted a nut. I was over it. And besides I've had enough Online Dating Horror Stories to last a lifetime, you've read 'em.

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Playing In The Background...
"U + Ur Hand"
by Pink
from the album "I'm Not Dead"
and
"Saturday"
by Lil' Mo
from the album "Based On A True Story"
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I'm an advocate for online dating. I think it's great. Of course like any other kind of dating you should be careful about meeting strangers and you should be selective of who, when, where, and how long it will take before you are ready to meet somebody. On the other hand everyone is a stranger until you get to know them, right? To me meeting people online much better than getting dressed and going out to a club because it's free and you can do it in the privacy of your own home and talk to as many people as you want to one time and rejection is just a click of a mouse! All their info is on their profile, it's like ordering takeout. This series will focus on some of the not so good experiences I've had with online dating.
Enjoy.
==========

In a temporary lapse of sanity, judgment, thought, reason, and all that is good and right I met someone off the chat line. What the fuck was I thinking? I had a friend who used to do it and being the curious person I am I wanted to try it too. Maybe love was waiting for me out there among the telephone lines. If you are unfamiliar with what a chat line is, it's basically everything that happens online except over the phone and without pictures, unless you employ some sort of medium for photo exchange. But of course most of the people who use the chat line "mysteriously" don't have pictures. Basically it's a haven for ugly, weird people. But I figured I'm on here so there must be someone else normal out there... right?

So I meet this guy, we'll call him Chin Chim Chimney, Chim Chim for short. He sounded good looking over the phone... You know what, that makes no sense whatsoever. I hear people say that dumb shyt all the time and it sounds no more intelligent now that I've said it. I should have known better.

The first day we talked the convo went well. Chim Chim sounded like a cool person. Of course I found a way to show him a picture of me and he liked what he saw. So we decided to meet.

That next day he called me once he got out of the train station so I could direct him to my house. He got to my door and he... he... let's just say he wasn't attractive to me. On top of that he smelled like cigarettes. I HATE cigarettes. I have never smoked a day in my life. Not only did he smell like cigarettes, he reeked of cigarettes, it was like a brown cloud all around him coming from his clothing, his pores, his soul... yuk! He had to GO!

Believe it or not and unfortunately for me I'm not a mean person. As he sat at my table, looking at me in the kitchen I was trying to think of the nicest and quickest way to get rid of this dude. In retrospect I should have just been direct and said 'Yo dude, I'm not feelin' it. Sorry you gotta go.' but I have to admit I was a little gunshy after dealing with Online Dating Horror Story #1 and most importantly I didn't wanna hurt Chim Chim's feelings.

So as I stood in the kitchen making a pitcher of Blue Raspberry Lemonade Kool-Aid occasionally glancing behind me at this him trying to find a redeeming quality as I stood and he sat in awkward silence. Then the stale cigarette smell started wafting toward me prompting me to speed this 'getting-Chim-Chim- the-hell-out-my-house-before-"New-York-Undercover"-comes-on' process along. And I sure as hell was not tryna have my crib smelling like that. Alright Adam think, how are we gonna do this without hurting anyone's feelings?

Then the light bulb came on. Okay so I'm a full top and he's a full bottom. What does a bottom hate more than anything, well most bottoms I know anyway? A sissy ass top. If I just acted real cunt right now maybe he'll be turned off by me and want to leave. I'm also gonna make up some fake event I have to be at in a few hours so I can tell him I need to get ready and have an excuse to make him leave. I'll cover my bases both ways. Hopefully this shyt works. So I pick up my cell phone and call my best friend, 'his ass betta answer this phone', I thought. The convo went something like this:

"Hello"

"Heyyyyy!"
I answered.

"Bitch, what is wrong with you?"

"When is da house meetin'?"
I asked, sounding like a queen, knowing good and dayum well I ain't in nobody's house but my best friend is.

"Adam, what are you talkin' about? There ain't no house meeting tonight."

"Oh aight, tonite, like 12, 12:30? We gon' turn it on the girls!"
I stated, talking over him as he questioned my sanity.

"Gurl, what are you givin'?"

"Bitch what you walkin'? I'm walkin' realness."
I said, upping the anti. I look back at Chim Chim and his expression is priceless. It's a mixture of shocked, disgusted, and over it. This is working. It's time to reel this baby on in.

"Ooh no! Bitch you got a date over there don't you?"
My best friend asks, finaly getting in to what I'm doing here. It's not like we haven't done this kinda thing before.

"Yeah... I'll meet you at the train station on two-fifth."
I said both answering his question and continuing the fake conversation I was having.

"What's wrong? That date look fieeerce don't she?"

"Yes."
I answered.

"Ooh no! Kick her to the the curb Miss Thing."

"I'm trying to..."

"You acting cunt to scare her off Miss Thing?"

"Yesssss hunny!"
I answered cuntly as I have forgotten about keeping in character for the last few responses.

"Ooh no! Gurl I can't take! Go off Miss Adam. Talk to you lata bitch."

"I'll see you lata gurl."

So I turn back to Chim Chim, he's dumbfounded and I'm lovin' it. He is so over me I can feel it. Then he inquired:

"You're in a house?"

"Yeah, I walk schoolboy realness."

I said that in my normal voice trying to pretend like I wasn't just sounding like a straight up queen forty five seconds ago. See I figured that switching back and forth would make things seem more real. Like my queen side was something I tried hide but it only came out when I was caught off guard or talking to another member of my house. Not only was I a queen, but a deceitful queen at that. He's so over me.

"Well I, I gotta go."
Chim Chim said.

"You sure you don't wanna stay for some Kool-Aid?"
I asked, with my back turned from Chim Chim, trying my hardest not to laugh.

"Nah I'm good."

I led him to the door and I was home free. Once he left I had to spray half a can of Renuzit to break up the toxic cloud he left. I sipped on some Kool-Aid and snuggled up with Malik Yoba and Michael DeLorenzo on "New York Undercover". They were much better dates anyway.

So kiddies what have we learned from this experience? One, never, ever, ever call the chat line. Please stay away! Two, don't be afraid to tell someone how you feel. If you ever meet someone and you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it, oh well. You don't owe anyone anything. I'm taking the refresher course on that one. And the best thing to do when meeting someone for the first time is to meet them in a public place. This would have all been much easier if we met in Crown Fried Chicken, in McDonalds, or on the corner or something. I coulda just ran from his ass!

For more insight about online dating including a synopsis of the major black gay "dating" websites check out my post here.

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Playing In The Background...
"Smoking Cigarettes"
by Tweet
from the album "Southern Hummingbird"
==========

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With this post I'm christening a new category on the blog entitled: Online Dating Horror Stories.

I'm an advocate for online dating. I think it's great. Of course like any other kind of dating you should be careful about meeting strangers and you should be selective of who, when, where, and how long it will take before you are ready to meet somebody. On the other hand everyone is a stranger until you get to know them, right? To me meeting people online much better than getting dressed and going out to a club because it's free and you can do it in the privacy of your own home and talk to as many people as you want to one time and rejection is just a click of a mouse! All their info is on their profile, it's like ordering takeout. This series will focus on some of the not so good experiences I've had with online dating.
Enjoy.
==========

I was online late one night talking to this dude. It was winter time and dumb cold outside. He seemed really nice and the conversation via IM was going well. We talked on the phone for a while. During that conversation we were talking about our lives, current events, etc., etc. He had mentioned that his friend tried out for a TV show a few weeks prior. The tryouts for that particular TV show were held at the hotel I was working at at the time. I mentioned that to him and we laughed at the coincidence and at how small the world is.

He had seen pictures of me on my online profile. I am very thorough about that. In fact I have never been rejected by someone I met online before. It's not necessarily because I'm so fine, it's because I always have very recent and clear pictures of myself. What you see is what you get here, no surprises.

This guy, we'll call him... hmmm... I wanna call him something that's not gonna give away the rest of the story... how about Crazy Terrorist Monster? We'll call him Crazy Terrorist Monster, CTM for short. CTM, unfortunately had no pictures online and you know that that means: UGLY ALERT! UGLY ALERT! There's no reason for anyone nowadays with all this technology we have not to have a picture ready for email. I knew better that to even be thinking about meeting him sight unseen but against my better judgment, (when meeting someone online NEVER go against your better judgment) I entertained the possibility.

Like I said, it was real, real late at night and even though he didn't live that far from me it was brick ass cold and he still didn't mind traveling. That's usually not necessarily a good sign. I leveled with him. I told him:

"Look CTM, I don't know what you look like, you could look like a monster or something so I can't promise that anything romantic will happen between us. But you seem mad cool so if you come no matter what I will at least let you stay over until the morning."

I actually had to wake up for work in a few short hours, I don't know what my ass was doing up that late anyway. Anyway he agreed to my disclaimer and proceeded to make his way over. I did my usual first date sleepover ritual of removing the knives from my magnetic metal bar on the wall in the kitchen. With those knives out there in plain sight I didn't want anybody to get any ideas. He seemed cool but is ass could still be crazy and I had no picture of him to show the cops.

He arrived, I came to the door and he was indeed a monster. I can't remember what he looked liked as I didn't stare directly into his face. All I knew was that he was a mess and I was over it that I had stayed up this late talking to his ass. Now I was ready to go to sleep. Once he came in we said about fifteen words to each other before I was ready for bed. So we went to sleep. I even gave in to him trying to grind his ass all up on me and spoon with me, whatever, as long as I didn't have to see his face.

I woke up a few hours later and got dressed and ready for work with the quickness. It definitely wasn't a love connection. After a silent walk to the train station I went down the stairs and he continued up the street. We parted with a dry "Later." Knowing good and dayum well we'd never speak to each other again, or so I thought.

After struggling through work, tired and bitchy I got home and got back online checking my favorite message boards and my emails and doing my regular stuff. Then I got an instant message, it was CTM. It said:

"How was work?"

I'm thinking 'why is this dude hittin' me up?' There was obviously nothing between us. So I just ignored it. When I checked my messages on the website that we met on I see he left me something there too. I'm thinking 'Was he not here last night? Why is he still talking to me?' So, not feeling up to having a whole discussion with him about it I ignored his message there as well. I take a nap and a few hours go by and I'm just chillin', doin' me when I receive another instant message from him. It went something like this:

"Oh so it's like that bitch! You just gonna ignore me. Aight I got you. That's why I'm come to your job tomorrow at the John Doe Plaza Hotel and get you fired!"

I read that shyt like fifteen times just so I could believe it, I had to let that shyt sink in. So I guess his ass gon' come to my job and start a scene. And how the fuck do this crazy bitch know where I work? Then it came back to me, oh fuck, that conversation we had about the TV show, that crazy, detail remembering, psychotic ass bitch. Shyt, what the fuck was I gonna do? Surely this could be an idle threat but I cannot run the risk of this psychopath starting some silly shyt at my job. Even if I beat him down I'm still getting fired and I cant even take it outside. If ya ass is caught fighting in the middle of Midtown Manhattan NYPD is lockin' yo ass up. Dayum, I knew I shoulda never let his ass come over. What am I gonna do. Then the phone calls started:

"Hello."

I say, knowing it's CTM crazy ass calling from a private number. This is why I don't answer private calls to this day.

"Bitch!"

Then he hangs up. It happened again a few more times. After the second time I just stopped answering the phone. Okay Adam, breathe. We (like I'm two people) gotta figure this shyt out. I tried to call him back, he wouldn't answer. I tried to hit him up on the website, he blocked me. I tried to hit him up via IM, he blocked me there too. So I signed onto IM using another screen name and I saw that he was online. I left him this message:

"I really hope that's not you sending me threatening messages and playing on my phone. I just wanted to let you know that I just got finished talking to the director of security at the John Doe Plaza Hotel and I emailed him your little threat. Hotels are considered big terrorist targets nowadays and your threat is being taken very seriously. I gave him your description and if you are seen on the premises you will be removed and handed over to the proper authorities. And I may not know what blocked number you called me from but the phone company does and so do the police."

Suddenly the calls stopped. I totally bullshitted my way out of that situation, I didn't talk to anyone or email anything, I made all that shyt up. I have to admit though that shyt was hot. I guess if I really emailed the hotel and talked to the director of security that that's the kind of action that they would take. After I sent the message and the calls stopped, I slept much better that night. I had successfully diffused the situation.

I have to admit the next day at work I did keep an eye open for his crazy ass, he never showed and I never heard from him again.

For more insight about online dating including a synopsis of the major black gay "dating" websites check out my post here.

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Playing In The Background...
"Crazy"
by Gnarls Barkley
from the album "St. Elsewhere"
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I was talking to someone Saturday night who had read the now infamous "I Really Am A Bottom I KNOW I Am..." post. He told me that thoroughly enjoyed it and that led to us having a conversation about the roles of tops and bottoms and what my preferences are. We also touched on the subject of respect for people's sexual boundaries. It reminded me of this experience.
Enjoy.
I've also included this in the Online Dating Horror Stories category.
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I am a top. I am, I am, I just am. I lost my virginity (actually I know exactly where I put it) as a top. Out of curiosity I tried the bottom thing. I figured when I'm fucking the other person is having such a good time I wanted to be a part of the fun! That is until it happened (that's a whole 'nother blog post). I felt like Whitney Houston in "Waiting To Exhale" ("grrr huh...?" my body didn't need that) and like Lela Rochon "I coulda had a V8." After that first time any subsequent attempts (which were few, far between, and never more than ten minutes) were out of me 'really liking a guy,' but even that got really old, really quick. So now I'm like a force field, I'm impenetrable. I've gotten to the point in my life now that I am what I am and whoever doesn't like it can suck my dick... literally. The whole getting fucked thing, nothing wrong with it, it's great for other people, but not for me. 

I was online one night and this dude hit me up. He said that I had given him my number before but that he never called. I honestly could not place him at all. From the picture I saw of him online he was cute-ish. I've learned not to trust just one picture anyway. It takes a dayum photo shoot to gain my confidence. But anyway we started talking back and forth exchanging pleasantries, yadda, yadda, yadda. Then he asks me whether I liked threesomes. I told him that I had engaged in them before. Then he mentioned something about getting together with a bottom. I asked him whether he was a top. He said "yeah". I was wondering 'how in the hell did he slip through the cracks?'

I make it a practice not to date or even entertain the idea of a romantic relationship with a fellow top. Why? Why? I'll tell you why... because it's pointless. There's no point in wasting time dating and getting to know someone knowing that there's only but so far you can go. But I don't mind being friends with one.

He hit me back up online and said to call him in ten minutes. I thought to myself 'what the fuck am I gonna call you for?' so I didn't. After a while he called and we talked a little further. All during the conversation he is trying to convince me that I should at least sixty-nine with him. All the while I'm hitting him with a barrage of him "no's", "I'm good's" and "Nah, I don't get down like that's". He didn't seem to be taking no for an answer. You see why I don't mess with tops? The conversation ended soon after.

Then he texts me and asks where in Harlem do I live because he may be in the area. 'Hmmm, should I give him my address?' I thought. As much as his top advances irritated me I have to admit I was intrigued. A part of me wanted to see what he looked like, so against my better judgment I told him what corner I lived off of, not really expecting him to come anyway. Then he texted me and told me that he'd be at my house in 30 minutes. I expected to meet him and have him chill for a minute. I wasn't trying to do anything sexually with him. I made that clear over the phone and I wasn't tryna stay up half the night, I had work the next day.

In the interim he sent me a text that went something like this:

"Get that dick and hole lubed up shawty"

What the fuck? Didn't I tell this nigga I'm not tryna do nothin' with him and if I were to do something it sure as hell wont involve any holes of mine. So I text back:

"Nigga u ain't doin' shyt with my hole! Yo, I told you I don't get down like that."

"Love u 2 shawty... stop bitchin'... see u in a few."

Oh, this nigga is tryna pull some ol' Big Daddy game shyt on me. Doesn't he know I invented that shyt? A part of me regretted this and wanted to just leave his ass downstairs and not answer the phone when he calls me. This is a big building, he doesn't know what apartment I'm in, he doesn't even know what I look like besides the pictures he saw. It's not like I haven't done the shyt before. The other part of me wanted to cuss his ass out. Who the fuck was he calling "shawty"? I ain't ya dayum "shawty" nigga! Don't try to pull that bitch shyt on me...

So he came and needless to say I let him in. Robo-Munchkin (that's the name I'm giving him, Robo because we met on online, Munchkin because he was short) was cute-ish, and about 5'8, 140 lbs. I answered the door giving my world famous sexy, ready for bed look. I came to the door in basketball shorts with no shirt on. I was gonna tease this nigga. I wasn't planning on getting no ass from him so I was gonna have a little fun. I'm usually not a game player but I felt frisky that night. He looked at me, he liked what he saw. But he was cool. I guess he was tryna feel me out. From his conversation I could tell he thought he was the shyt because he had a car and some jewelry and some bird ass nigga woulda probably fell for his shyt. But not I, I'm A. Benjamin Irby, nigga ask about me.

So I'm laying on my bed watching TV, he's sitting up. I hear his shoes hit the floor. Ain't nobody ask him to take off his dayum shoes. Robo-Munchkin lies down next to me and as were having small talk he slides his right arm under my lower back with his fingertips inching toward my ass. I bust out laughing.

"Nigga, what the fuck are you doing?
I ask, laughing but dead serious at the same time.

"I'm just tryna..."

"Nigga get ya hand off my ass I told you I don't get down like that! So you didn't think I was serious, huh? I told you that I'm a strict top and that I wasn't tryna do nothing with you. What you thought you were gonna come here, I was gonna see you and just change my mind?"
I looked at him and I could tell even without him saying a word that that's exactly what he thought.
"It don't work like that, not with me."

So we talked a little while longer. Then he said:

"C'mere..." in his pseudo-Big Daddy voice.

I rolled my eyes as I slid over wondering what he trick he was gonna pull next. Then he started ravenously sucking my neck. I started laughing. I said:

"Nigga, what are you doing?"

"Relax."
He said with a slight tinge of frustration in his voice. He was a persistent little munchkin.

"Don't get no hickies on my neck nigga."
I said as he began to suck harder.

Then he put my hand on his crotch in an effort to feel his hardening dick through his jeans. I wasn't impressed. He put his hand in my basketball shorts to feel my flaccid dick. This was all doing nothing for me and now this game I was playing started getting boring. I was so over this. I looked at the clock by the TV trying to calculate how many hours of sleep I would get before work once I got him the hell outta here. Then he asked:

"You got any porns?"

'Porns,' I thought, 'who the fuck says porns?' What kinda word is that? I've heard of porno or pornography, but porns. Even the way his ass talked started to annoy me. He had to go. Obviously he wanted us to jerk off together. Why the fuck would I waste a perfectly good nutt doing this shyt? But whatever got him out of my hair the fastest. So I turn the movie on, I turn around and he's naked. I see Robo-Munchkin wastes no time.

I wondered, just like you are what homeboy was packin'. He was talkin' all this Big Daddy top killer shyt (A top killer/slayer is a top that is just so hot or has so much swagger that he can get other tops to let him beat. I've killed quite a few tops in my day.) that I'm expecting to see an anaconda. People say that in a top/top situation deciding who is gonna top was a matter of who had the bigger dick, bigger dick wins. Needless to say, he lost. I can't believe that Robo-Munchkin really thought I was really gonna let his munchkin ass climb on my back.

So we jerked off. He wanted to do it in a sixty-nine-like position. I don't know why cuz I sure as hell wasn't sucking his dick. He was hard, I was hard-ish. He put my hand on my dick as though I was supposed to jerk him off while his finger was inching toward my asshole. I asked yet again:

"Nigga, what the fuck are you doing?

"Oh, oh my bad."

"So you not gonna lick it for me?"

"Hell no."

"A little bit, just the head?"

"No."

"If you suck mine, I'll suck yours."

"Nah, I'm good" I said as I jerked my semi flaccid dick.

Since he's been here, being in this position was the first time I looked him square in the face. He really wasn't bad looking at all. He was attractive. He kissed me and that really wasn't bad. I would have at least jerked the nigga off if he wasn't such an asshole. He annoyed me so much by that time with his pseudo-Big Daddy bullshyt that all his cute points had gone out the window. Then he motioned his dick toward my face in a last ditch effort to get me to suck it. I said:

"If you want that thing I suggest you get it outta my face."

By then I think he finally got that I meant business.

He came first and few moments later I managed to muster up a nutt from my erect-ish dick. We went into my bathroom to clean up when he made some comment about my ass being fat. He had to go. I rushed his munchkin ass out my crib to never see him again.

Why did he text me the next day talkin' about "Sup homie." Is he serious? Hopefully our meeting taught him a lesson in learning to respect other people's sexual boundaries. I learned that I'm way too old to be playing games and teaching lessons. I don't have nearly enough patience for that shyt.

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Playing In The Background...
"Big Munny"
by Swizz Beatz
from the album "One Man Band Man"
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