Online Dating Horror Stories: September 2007 Archives

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I'm an advocate for online dating. I think it's great. Of course like any other kind of dating you should be careful about meeting strangers and you should be selective of who, when, where, and how long it will take before you are ready to meet somebody. On the other hand everyone is a stranger until you get to know them, right? To me meeting people online much better than getting dressed and going out to a club because it's free and you can do it in the privacy of your own home and talk to as many people as you want to one time and rejection is just a click of a mouse! All their info is on their profile, it's like ordering takeout. This series will focus on some of the not so good experiences I've had with online dating.
Enjoy.
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In a temporary lapse of sanity, judgment, thought, reason, and all that is good and right I met someone off the chat line. What the fuck was I thinking? I had a friend who used to do it and being the curious person I am I wanted to try it too. Maybe love was waiting for me out there among the telephone lines. If you are unfamiliar with what a chat line is, it's basically everything that happens online except over the phone and without pictures, unless you employ some sort of medium for photo exchange. But of course most of the people who use the chat line "mysteriously" don't have pictures. Basically it's a haven for ugly, weird people. But I figured I'm on here so there must be someone else normal out there... right?

So I meet this guy, we'll call him Chin Chim Chimney, Chim Chim for short. He sounded good looking over the phone... You know what, that makes no sense whatsoever. I hear people say that dumb shyt all the time and it sounds no more intelligent now that I've said it. I should have known better.

The first day we talked the convo went well. Chim Chim sounded like a cool person. Of course I found a way to show him a picture of me and he liked what he saw. So we decided to meet.

That next day he called me once he got out of the train station so I could direct him to my house. He got to my door and he... he... let's just say he wasn't attractive to me. On top of that he smelled like cigarettes. I HATE cigarettes. I have never smoked a day in my life. Not only did he smell like cigarettes, he reeked of cigarettes, it was like a brown cloud all around him coming from his clothing, his pores, his soul... yuk! He had to GO!

Believe it or not and unfortunately for me I'm not a mean person. As he sat at my table, looking at me in the kitchen I was trying to think of the nicest and quickest way to get rid of this dude. In retrospect I should have just been direct and said 'Yo dude, I'm not feelin' it. Sorry you gotta go.' but I have to admit I was a little gunshy after dealing with Online Dating Horror Story #1 and most importantly I didn't wanna hurt Chim Chim's feelings.

So as I stood in the kitchen making a pitcher of Blue Raspberry Lemonade Kool-Aid occasionally glancing behind me at this him trying to find a redeeming quality as I stood and he sat in awkward silence. Then the stale cigarette smell started wafting toward me prompting me to speed this 'getting-Chim-Chim- the-hell-out-my-house-before-"New-York-Undercover"-comes-on' process along. And I sure as hell was not tryna have my crib smelling like that. Alright Adam think, how are we gonna do this without hurting anyone's feelings?

Then the light bulb came on. Okay so I'm a full top and he's a full bottom. What does a bottom hate more than anything, well most bottoms I know anyway? A sissy ass top. If I just acted real cunt right now maybe he'll be turned off by me and want to leave. I'm also gonna make up some fake event I have to be at in a few hours so I can tell him I need to get ready and have an excuse to make him leave. I'll cover my bases both ways. Hopefully this shyt works. So I pick up my cell phone and call my best friend, 'his ass betta answer this phone', I thought. The convo went something like this:

"Hello"

"Heyyyyy!"
I answered.

"Bitch, what is wrong with you?"

"When is da house meetin'?"
I asked, sounding like a queen, knowing good and dayum well I ain't in nobody's house but my best friend is.

"Adam, what are you talkin' about? There ain't no house meeting tonight."

"Oh aight, tonite, like 12, 12:30? We gon' turn it on the girls!"
I stated, talking over him as he questioned my sanity.

"Gurl, what are you givin'?"

"Bitch what you walkin'? I'm walkin' realness."
I said, upping the anti. I look back at Chim Chim and his expression is priceless. It's a mixture of shocked, disgusted, and over it. This is working. It's time to reel this baby on in.

"Ooh no! Bitch you got a date over there don't you?"
My best friend asks, finaly getting in to what I'm doing here. It's not like we haven't done this kinda thing before.

"Yeah... I'll meet you at the train station on two-fifth."
I said both answering his question and continuing the fake conversation I was having.

"What's wrong? That date look fieeerce don't she?"

"Yes."
I answered.

"Ooh no! Kick her to the the curb Miss Thing."

"I'm trying to..."

"You acting cunt to scare her off Miss Thing?"

"Yesssss hunny!"
I answered cuntly as I have forgotten about keeping in character for the last few responses.

"Ooh no! Gurl I can't take! Go off Miss Adam. Talk to you lata bitch."

"I'll see you lata gurl."

So I turn back to Chim Chim, he's dumbfounded and I'm lovin' it. He is so over me I can feel it. Then he inquired:

"You're in a house?"

"Yeah, I walk schoolboy realness."

I said that in my normal voice trying to pretend like I wasn't just sounding like a straight up queen forty five seconds ago. See I figured that switching back and forth would make things seem more real. Like my queen side was something I tried hide but it only came out when I was caught off guard or talking to another member of my house. Not only was I a queen, but a deceitful queen at that. He's so over me.

"Well I, I gotta go."
Chim Chim said.

"You sure you don't wanna stay for some Kool-Aid?"
I asked, with my back turned from Chim Chim, trying my hardest not to laugh.

"Nah I'm good."

I led him to the door and I was home free. Once he left I had to spray half a can of Renuzit to break up the toxic cloud he left. I sipped on some Kool-Aid and snuggled up with Malik Yoba and Michael DeLorenzo on "New York Undercover". They were much better dates anyway.

So kiddies what have we learned from this experience? One, never, ever, ever call the chat line. Please stay away! Two, don't be afraid to tell someone how you feel. If you ever meet someone and you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it, oh well. You don't owe anyone anything. I'm taking the refresher course on that one. And the best thing to do when meeting someone for the first time is to meet them in a public place. This would have all been much easier if we met in Crown Fried Chicken, in McDonalds, or on the corner or something. I coulda just ran from his ass!

For more insight about online dating including a synopsis of the major black gay "dating" websites check out my post here.

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Playing In The Background...
"Smoking Cigarettes"
by Tweet
from the album "Southern Hummingbird"
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With this post I'm christening a new category on the blog entitled: Online Dating Horror Stories.

I'm an advocate for online dating. I think it's great. Of course like any other kind of dating you should be careful about meeting strangers and you should be selective of who, when, where, and how long it will take before you are ready to meet somebody. On the other hand everyone is a stranger until you get to know them, right? To me meeting people online much better than getting dressed and going out to a club because it's free and you can do it in the privacy of your own home and talk to as many people as you want to one time and rejection is just a click of a mouse! All their info is on their profile, it's like ordering takeout. This series will focus on some of the not so good experiences I've had with online dating.
Enjoy.
==========

I was online late one night talking to this dude. It was winter time and dumb cold outside. He seemed really nice and the conversation via IM was going well. We talked on the phone for a while. During that conversation we were talking about our lives, current events, etc., etc. He had mentioned that his friend tried out for a TV show a few weeks prior. The tryouts for that particular TV show were held at the hotel I was working at at the time. I mentioned that to him and we laughed at the coincidence and at how small the world is.

He had seen pictures of me on my online profile. I am very thorough about that. In fact I have never been rejected by someone I met online before. It's not necessarily because I'm so fine, it's because I always have very recent and clear pictures of myself. What you see is what you get here, no surprises.

This guy, we'll call him... hmmm... I wanna call him something that's not gonna give away the rest of the story... how about Crazy Terrorist Monster? We'll call him Crazy Terrorist Monster, CTM for short. CTM, unfortunately had no pictures online and you know that that means: UGLY ALERT! UGLY ALERT! There's no reason for anyone nowadays with all this technology we have not to have a picture ready for email. I knew better that to even be thinking about meeting him sight unseen but against my better judgment, (when meeting someone online NEVER go against your better judgment) I entertained the possibility.

Like I said, it was real, real late at night and even though he didn't live that far from me it was brick ass cold and he still didn't mind traveling. That's usually not necessarily a good sign. I leveled with him. I told him:

"Look CTM, I don't know what you look like, you could look like a monster or something so I can't promise that anything romantic will happen between us. But you seem mad cool so if you come no matter what I will at least let you stay over until the morning."

I actually had to wake up for work in a few short hours, I don't know what my ass was doing up that late anyway. Anyway he agreed to my disclaimer and proceeded to make his way over. I did my usual first date sleepover ritual of removing the knives from my magnetic metal bar on the wall in the kitchen. With those knives out there in plain sight I didn't want anybody to get any ideas. He seemed cool but is ass could still be crazy and I had no picture of him to show the cops.

He arrived, I came to the door and he was indeed a monster. I can't remember what he looked liked as I didn't stare directly into his face. All I knew was that he was a mess and I was over it that I had stayed up this late talking to his ass. Now I was ready to go to sleep. Once he came in we said about fifteen words to each other before I was ready for bed. So we went to sleep. I even gave in to him trying to grind his ass all up on me and spoon with me, whatever, as long as I didn't have to see his face.

I woke up a few hours later and got dressed and ready for work with the quickness. It definitely wasn't a love connection. After a silent walk to the train station I went down the stairs and he continued up the street. We parted with a dry "Later." Knowing good and dayum well we'd never speak to each other again, or so I thought.

After struggling through work, tired and bitchy I got home and got back online checking my favorite message boards and my emails and doing my regular stuff. Then I got an instant message, it was CTM. It said:

"How was work?"

I'm thinking 'why is this dude hittin' me up?' There was obviously nothing between us. So I just ignored it. When I checked my messages on the website that we met on I see he left me something there too. I'm thinking 'Was he not here last night? Why is he still talking to me?' So, not feeling up to having a whole discussion with him about it I ignored his message there as well. I take a nap and a few hours go by and I'm just chillin', doin' me when I receive another instant message from him. It went something like this:

"Oh so it's like that bitch! You just gonna ignore me. Aight I got you. That's why I'm come to your job tomorrow at the John Doe Plaza Hotel and get you fired!"

I read that shyt like fifteen times just so I could believe it, I had to let that shyt sink in. So I guess his ass gon' come to my job and start a scene. And how the fuck do this crazy bitch know where I work? Then it came back to me, oh fuck, that conversation we had about the TV show, that crazy, detail remembering, psychotic ass bitch. Shyt, what the fuck was I gonna do? Surely this could be an idle threat but I cannot run the risk of this psychopath starting some silly shyt at my job. Even if I beat him down I'm still getting fired and I cant even take it outside. If ya ass is caught fighting in the middle of Midtown Manhattan NYPD is lockin' yo ass up. Dayum, I knew I shoulda never let his ass come over. What am I gonna do. Then the phone calls started:

"Hello."

I say, knowing it's CTM crazy ass calling from a private number. This is why I don't answer private calls to this day.

"Bitch!"

Then he hangs up. It happened again a few more times. After the second time I just stopped answering the phone. Okay Adam, breathe. We (like I'm two people) gotta figure this shyt out. I tried to call him back, he wouldn't answer. I tried to hit him up on the website, he blocked me. I tried to hit him up via IM, he blocked me there too. So I signed onto IM using another screen name and I saw that he was online. I left him this message:

"I really hope that's not you sending me threatening messages and playing on my phone. I just wanted to let you know that I just got finished talking to the director of security at the John Doe Plaza Hotel and I emailed him your little threat. Hotels are considered big terrorist targets nowadays and your threat is being taken very seriously. I gave him your description and if you are seen on the premises you will be removed and handed over to the proper authorities. And I may not know what blocked number you called me from but the phone company does and so do the police."

Suddenly the calls stopped. I totally bullshitted my way out of that situation, I didn't talk to anyone or email anything, I made all that shyt up. I have to admit though that shyt was hot. I guess if I really emailed the hotel and talked to the director of security that that's the kind of action that they would take. After I sent the message and the calls stopped, I slept much better that night. I had successfully diffused the situation.

I have to admit the next day at work I did keep an eye open for his crazy ass, he never showed and I never heard from him again.

For more insight about online dating including a synopsis of the major black gay "dating" websites check out my post here.

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Playing In The Background...
"Crazy"
by Gnarls Barkley
from the album "St. Elsewhere"
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I was talking to someone Saturday night who had read the now infamous "I Really Am A Bottom I KNOW I Am..." post. He told me that thoroughly enjoyed it and that led to us having a conversation about the roles of tops and bottoms and what my preferences are. We also touched on the subject of respect for people's sexual boundaries. It reminded me of this experience.
Enjoy.
I've also included this in the Online Dating Horror Stories category.
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I am a top. I am, I am, I just am. I lost my virginity (actually I know exactly where I put it) as a top. Out of curiosity I tried the bottom thing. I figured when I'm fucking the other person is having such a good time I wanted to be a part of the fun! That is until it happened (that's a whole 'nother blog post). I felt like Whitney Houston in "Waiting To Exhale" ("grrr huh...?" my body didn't need that) and like Lela Rochon "I coulda had a V8." After that first time any subsequent attempts (which were few, far between, and never more than ten minutes) were out of me 'really liking a guy,' but even that got really old, really quick. So now I'm like a force field, I'm impenetrable. I've gotten to the point in my life now that I am what I am and whoever doesn't like it can suck my dick... literally. The whole getting fucked thing, nothing wrong with it, it's great for other people, but not for me. 

I was online one night and this dude hit me up. He said that I had given him my number before but that he never called. I honestly could not place him at all. From the picture I saw of him online he was cute-ish. I've learned not to trust just one picture anyway. It takes a dayum photo shoot to gain my confidence. But anyway we started talking back and forth exchanging pleasantries, yadda, yadda, yadda. Then he asks me whether I liked threesomes. I told him that I had engaged in them before. Then he mentioned something about getting together with a bottom. I asked him whether he was a top. He said "yeah". I was wondering 'how in the hell did he slip through the cracks?'

I make it a practice not to date or even entertain the idea of a romantic relationship with a fellow top. Why? Why? I'll tell you why... because it's pointless. There's no point in wasting time dating and getting to know someone knowing that there's only but so far you can go. But I don't mind being friends with one.

He hit me back up online and said to call him in ten minutes. I thought to myself 'what the fuck am I gonna call you for?' so I didn't. After a while he called and we talked a little further. All during the conversation he is trying to convince me that I should at least sixty-nine with him. All the while I'm hitting him with a barrage of him "no's", "I'm good's" and "Nah, I don't get down like that's". He didn't seem to be taking no for an answer. You see why I don't mess with tops? The conversation ended soon after.

Then he texts me and asks where in Harlem do I live because he may be in the area. 'Hmmm, should I give him my address?' I thought. As much as his top advances irritated me I have to admit I was intrigued. A part of me wanted to see what he looked like, so against my better judgment I told him what corner I lived off of, not really expecting him to come anyway. Then he texted me and told me that he'd be at my house in 30 minutes. I expected to meet him and have him chill for a minute. I wasn't trying to do anything sexually with him. I made that clear over the phone and I wasn't tryna stay up half the night, I had work the next day.

In the interim he sent me a text that went something like this:

"Get that dick and hole lubed up shawty"

What the fuck? Didn't I tell this nigga I'm not tryna do nothin' with him and if I were to do something it sure as hell wont involve any holes of mine. So I text back:

"Nigga u ain't doin' shyt with my hole! Yo, I told you I don't get down like that."

"Love u 2 shawty... stop bitchin'... see u in a few."

Oh, this nigga is tryna pull some ol' Big Daddy game shyt on me. Doesn't he know I invented that shyt? A part of me regretted this and wanted to just leave his ass downstairs and not answer the phone when he calls me. This is a big building, he doesn't know what apartment I'm in, he doesn't even know what I look like besides the pictures he saw. It's not like I haven't done the shyt before. The other part of me wanted to cuss his ass out. Who the fuck was he calling "shawty"? I ain't ya dayum "shawty" nigga! Don't try to pull that bitch shyt on me...

So he came and needless to say I let him in. Robo-Munchkin (that's the name I'm giving him, Robo because we met on online, Munchkin because he was short) was cute-ish, and about 5'8, 140 lbs. I answered the door giving my world famous sexy, ready for bed look. I came to the door in basketball shorts with no shirt on. I was gonna tease this nigga. I wasn't planning on getting no ass from him so I was gonna have a little fun. I'm usually not a game player but I felt frisky that night. He looked at me, he liked what he saw. But he was cool. I guess he was tryna feel me out. From his conversation I could tell he thought he was the shyt because he had a car and some jewelry and some bird ass nigga woulda probably fell for his shyt. But not I, I'm A. Benjamin Irby, nigga ask about me.

So I'm laying on my bed watching TV, he's sitting up. I hear his shoes hit the floor. Ain't nobody ask him to take off his dayum shoes. Robo-Munchkin lies down next to me and as were having small talk he slides his right arm under my lower back with his fingertips inching toward my ass. I bust out laughing.

"Nigga, what the fuck are you doing?
I ask, laughing but dead serious at the same time.

"I'm just tryna..."

"Nigga get ya hand off my ass I told you I don't get down like that! So you didn't think I was serious, huh? I told you that I'm a strict top and that I wasn't tryna do nothing with you. What you thought you were gonna come here, I was gonna see you and just change my mind?"
I looked at him and I could tell even without him saying a word that that's exactly what he thought.
"It don't work like that, not with me."

So we talked a little while longer. Then he said:

"C'mere..." in his pseudo-Big Daddy voice.

I rolled my eyes as I slid over wondering what he trick he was gonna pull next. Then he started ravenously sucking my neck. I started laughing. I said:

"Nigga, what are you doing?"

"Relax."
He said with a slight tinge of frustration in his voice. He was a persistent little munchkin.

"Don't get no hickies on my neck nigga."
I said as he began to suck harder.

Then he put my hand on his crotch in an effort to feel his hardening dick through his jeans. I wasn't impressed. He put his hand in my basketball shorts to feel my flaccid dick. This was all doing nothing for me and now this game I was playing started getting boring. I was so over this. I looked at the clock by the TV trying to calculate how many hours of sleep I would get before work once I got him the hell outta here. Then he asked:

"You got any porns?"

'Porns,' I thought, 'who the fuck says porns?' What kinda word is that? I've heard of porno or pornography, but porns. Even the way his ass talked started to annoy me. He had to go. Obviously he wanted us to jerk off together. Why the fuck would I waste a perfectly good nutt doing this shyt? But whatever got him out of my hair the fastest. So I turn the movie on, I turn around and he's naked. I see Robo-Munchkin wastes no time.

I wondered, just like you are what homeboy was packin'. He was talkin' all this Big Daddy top killer shyt (A top killer/slayer is a top that is just so hot or has so much swagger that he can get other tops to let him beat. I've killed quite a few tops in my day.) that I'm expecting to see an anaconda. People say that in a top/top situation deciding who is gonna top was a matter of who had the bigger dick, bigger dick wins. Needless to say, he lost. I can't believe that Robo-Munchkin really thought I was really gonna let his munchkin ass climb on my back.

So we jerked off. He wanted to do it in a sixty-nine-like position. I don't know why cuz I sure as hell wasn't sucking his dick. He was hard, I was hard-ish. He put my hand on my dick as though I was supposed to jerk him off while his finger was inching toward my asshole. I asked yet again:

"Nigga, what the fuck are you doing?

"Oh, oh my bad."

"So you not gonna lick it for me?"

"Hell no."

"A little bit, just the head?"

"No."

"If you suck mine, I'll suck yours."

"Nah, I'm good" I said as I jerked my semi flaccid dick.

Since he's been here, being in this position was the first time I looked him square in the face. He really wasn't bad looking at all. He was attractive. He kissed me and that really wasn't bad. I would have at least jerked the nigga off if he wasn't such an asshole. He annoyed me so much by that time with his pseudo-Big Daddy bullshyt that all his cute points had gone out the window. Then he motioned his dick toward my face in a last ditch effort to get me to suck it. I said:

"If you want that thing I suggest you get it outta my face."

By then I think he finally got that I meant business.

He came first and few moments later I managed to muster up a nutt from my erect-ish dick. We went into my bathroom to clean up when he made some comment about my ass being fat. He had to go. I rushed his munchkin ass out my crib to never see him again.

Why did he text me the next day talkin' about "Sup homie." Is he serious? Hopefully our meeting taught him a lesson in learning to respect other people's sexual boundaries. I learned that I'm way too old to be playing games and teaching lessons. I don't have nearly enough patience for that shyt.

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Playing In The Background...
"Big Munny"
by Swizz Beatz
from the album "One Man Band Man"
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