Relationships: December 2007 Archives

As of late I've been on a quest, not to find sex or a boyfriend, but to find genuine intimacy between myself and another man, a foundation to maybe build something more off of in the future and/or good times and a warm body to snuggle up to in the present. To be close to someone and to get to know him genuinely without the uncertainty of dating, the complication of sex and the expectation of a relationship. To put this idea in action I've adopted the idea of having a "cuddle-buddy" (as Rocafella07 would call it).

A cuddle-buddy is a special friend that you would treat like any other friend, except that this particular friend is someone you also share affectionate moments with. Cuddling, snuggling, caressing, spooning, maybe even some kissing, making out and heavy petting. The point is that you are not in a relationship with this person (at least not yet, if ever), but the person should be a friend and someone you expect to see somewhat regularly. You can go out and do things with the person but it wouldn't necessarily be considered dating. You also are not having sex with this person (at least at this point, if ever) and of course you both should be single. Most importantly, the cuddle-buddy friendship is to be non-complicated.

This definition of what a cuddle-buddy is is basic. The coolest thing about having a cuddle buddy though is the fact that these rules (except for the sex rule) can bend and fluctuate for each specific pair of buddies. The key is communication. What are we okay and not okay with? Unlike being in a relationship where we tend to assume and infer things instead of talking, this friendship is all about talking. You and your buddy eventually should be talking about things such as exclusivity and multiple buddies, what happens when a buddy finds a boyfriend, do we as buddies even look for boyfriends, how far does our physical contact go, etc. It's all about the dialogue between you two. Most importantly you should always be having a good time. The day it's not fun anymore and becomes hard work is the day it should end.

I'm finding in my case that it's better when nobody knows who your cuddle-buddy is. The anonymity will enable your friendship to exist without the scrutiny of others, allowing you and your buddy to concentrate on intimacy and getting to know each other (it's kinda like a derivative of my one month rule). I think that the time with your cuddle buddy should be yours alone and be somewhat of an escape from your everyday worlds. And if perhaps things don't work out between you or you decide to downgrade your involvement to regular friends it won't be a public spectacle. On the other hand if you decide to upgrade to an exclusive dating, or relationship thing at least you can be confident in the fact that your decision was unaffected by the opinions of others and you'd have that firm buddy foundation to build from.

The hard thing about having a cuddle-buddy is your dicks, the dicks are gonna get hard. It's hard to repeatedly lay up with an attractive guy and not have sex, especially if you both want it. To maintain a cuddle-buddy relationship you must absolutely not have sex, maybe a little oral as a part of some extended foreplay after a while, but definitely not intercourse, NO INTERCOURSE. The whole point of the cuddle-buddy thing is to remove sex from the equation and concentrate on intimacy. Roles such as top, bottom, and versatile don't even come into play at this stage. It seems like as men we all know how to talk fucking to each other but we don't know how to fucking talk to each other.

If you do have intercourse, outside the confines of a relationship then you have then upped the ante and become "fuck-buddies". There's nothing wrong with having a fuck-buddy, and your cuddle-buddy relationship may even evolve in that direction after a while, but at that stage none of the cute little cuddle-buddy rules apply anymore. Fuck-buddies are dealing with much more serious physical and emotional risks and should be abiding by a much more stringent set of rules. Also the decision to abstain from sex must be mutual. One buddy cannot feel that the other buddy is depriving them of anything, then the arrangement won't work.

And that's just about it. I'm trying something new and it's workin out pretty good so far. Hopefully Rocafella07, the "cuddle-buddy" phenomenon will catch on in '08.

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Playing In The Background...
"B.U.D.D.Y."
by Musiq Soulchild
from the album "Loveanmusiq"
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Life is a series of moments. Yesterday was not one of my best moments. I hadn't taken the time to mourn a recent involvement and it all just came down on me like a ton of bricks, hence the emotional vulnerability of that particular blog post. I just wanna let everyone know that I'm okay and I thank you all for your comments and well wishes and stories and concern and advice. You are great, all of you. I awake this morning feeling a million times better, having said all I needed to say.

I guess you just need to take the time to let it out sometimes.

-Adam

PS: Don't feel bad if you send me a long email or make a long comment on the blog. I LOVE THE LONG EMAILS AND COMMENTS! The longer the better! I love to read your thoughts. I appreciate the fact that you would even take the time to even comment at such length.

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Playing in The Background...
"Work In Progress (Growing Pains)"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
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"It's not an easy thing to do
Sometimes it's hard to face the truth
It's not the life that I would choose
But what else can I do if he don't love me
If he don't want me
I'm not about to sit around [and] let myself go..."
-Tamia
from the song "Smile"

Last night I went to Baron's birthday party at Alibi. You probably didn't see me because I arrived fashionably late, after midnight and by that time you had already left. But I was there, laughing and joking, talking and networking, eating ungodly amounts of birthday cake and having a really good time. Then me and Dwight left there and ended up at Chi Chiz on Christopher Street (Don't judge me okay, the drinks are cheap and it's the only black gay bar open that late on a Wednesday night. So what it's where all the old queens go to die.), we were meeting his boyfriend there. I got fucked up, I mean really fucked up. So fucked up that I was leaning on a chair in the back of Chi Chiz singing lyrics to Tweet's song "Drunk". "I'd rather be drunk, on a cloud away from here..." Those drinks were cheap but strong.

We left there and I stumbled my drunk ass up Christopher Street to that pizza shop by the 1 train where I inhaled a lukewarm slice topped with pepperoni, ground beef, and ricotta and then we rode the A train uptown. On my wobbly-ass walk from the train station as Mary J. Blige's "Work In Progress (Growing Pains)" blasted from my iPod and I drunkenly sung along, I realized that as good as my life is, I'm still not there yet. In the solitude of my rickety gait up 8th Avenue I also realized that all the pain I'd managed to sweep under the proverbial rug of life in the past few weeks is starting to make lumps.

Lately I've been so busy, writing two blogs, working full time, networking, going to parties, building websites. Keeping this grueling schedule doesn't even allow me much time to sleep. The work is paying off but the compensation isn't the only reason why I've been doing so much. Keeping myself busy is my way of not thinking about my love life, or rather the lack thereof. I figure if I just become a success none of the love shit will matter anymore. Mr. Right will be easy to find once I have money in the bank and a couple of books published. It's only when I have a brief lapse between performing all the tasks that I've chosen medicate myself with that it all comes back to me.

I miss Pubby. I know I shouldn't, I have no real reason to. He was never particularly good to me or good for me, but I do. I'm stupid I guess. I miss his smile and the dinners I cooked for him that we had together and all the times we had sex and cuddled and the things we laughed at and how we were so different from each other. I miss the way he felt in my arms and how peaceful he looked when he was asleep. As fucked up as it turned out there were some good times.

It was so easy for him to walk away from me, like I was nothing, like what we had was nothing. I guess it was nothing. He probably hasn't even given a second thought about me since the last time we spoke and here I am making yet another post on my blog about him. I erased his number from my phone, even though I know it by heart. He's online now, I see him on my buddy list. I guess I forgot to delete him from there. I'd die before I IM him though. A very small part of me wants to but I refuse to let go of my dignity like that.

He hurt me so much. The weather outside is horrible and I don't feel like doing anything today. I'm trying to work and I can't even concentrate, fuckin' bastard. Why did I have to fall for him the way I did? Why couldn't he just want me as much as I wanted him. Damn it, I knew better. I saw all the fuckin' signs but I chose to ignore and now off the cliff I go. I gotta snap outta this shit though because I don't have time to be depressed. I've got way too much work to do. The truth is that Pubby doesn't want me anymore. It was what it was. I just gotta accept it and move on.

And that sex I had 20 days ago I shoulda never had it. He was there, I was there, he pounced on me so I figured fuck it. I would give him what he wanted and I'd get a nutt too, why not? I wasn't over Pubby, obviously, but it just felt good to have someone desire me. But anyway, I'll get over this. I'll be okay. It feels really good to have let all this out.

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Playing In The Background...
"Smile"
by Tamia
from the album "More"
and
"Drunk"
by Tweet
from the album "Southern Hummingbird"
and
"Work In Progress (Growing Pains)"
by Mary J. Blige
from the album "Growing Pains"
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