"Do, Do you got a first aid kit handy? Do, Do you know how to patch up a wound...Damaged, damaged
Damaged, damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is
Damaged, damaged
So Damaged
And you can blame the one before
So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it...Tell me are you up for the challenge
Cause my heart is damaged..."
-Danity Kane
from the song "Damaged"
Being single again has really given me some time to think about who I am and why I am the way I am in relationships and why all of my relationships have failed. The thing is, well, I'm an extremely nice person. Not nice to others to the detriment of myself, so much, at least not consciously, but yeah, I'm really nice. I was taught growing up that 'it's nice to be nice".
I grew up with a father who was far from perfect, but a damn good provider for his family. He made sure that we were all taken care of, me, my mother and my siblings, before even thinking about thinking about himself. I remember him giving my mother, a stay at home mom, his whole paycheck every pay period so she could pay all the bills and manage the house while he worked. The only time we'd really set to do something special for him, something tangible, was Father's Day or his birthday. Even then he'd get the same old thing every year, a shirt and a tie or something. But when he received that shirt and tie from us he treated it like it was pure gold, he loved and cherished it and would tell anyone he met who'd listen long enough about what we'd gotten him. More important to him than the yearly trinkets he'd receive from us, my father rejoiced in the fact that we were happy. It made him happy to see us happy. To see his family with the best filled him with pride as a provider, as a father, as a man. That happiness is what pulled him through those days working as hard as he did for forty years before he retired. While I didn't appreciate it nearly as much as a should have as a child, being a man now, typing this paragraph I'm actually holding back tears from my eyes thinking of all his sacrificed for us and never thought anything of it and never wanted any undue praise or fanfare for it. While it seems like such a extraordinary feat in our world of deadbeat dads, downlow brothas, and talk show paternity tests, my dad simply did what a real man is supposed to do.
Growing up, everyone said I looked so much and acted so much like my mother, with her dry, church lady, sanctified sarcasm and fierce one-liners. My mother is the only person I know that can cuss you out without using one cuss word. She can read you in the name of Jesus, say a prayer over you, tip her Sunday-go-to-meeting hat and send you on your way. I thought that a lot of these characteristics carried over into my being gay. But as I get older I'm realizing now with pride that I'm becoming more and more like my father everyday.
Unfortunately, attributes like honor, faithfulness (outside of sexual activity, yes faithful does have more than one meaning), responsibility and just plain being nice aren't much appreciated in the gay community. Our endless pursuit of youth, parties, designer labels, and whatever's or whoever's considered new and fabulous has left such time-honored virtues by the wayside. In my relationships I am much like my dad, minus the fiscal obligations as I've never been married, have no kids and am not taking care of no grown-ass man (Get a job nigga! Oh wow, that was personal, dedicated to all my deadbeat exes, the ones I dated in '05-'06). That fiscal and provider responsibly that my father had to his wife and kids as a straight man translates into emotional responsibility for me as a gay man as I give my all to whoever I'm with and like my dad it makes me happy to see them happy, to put a smile on their face. Like my dad, that's what's most important to me, not necessarily having things for myself. I don't mind sharing my wealth (not necessarily financial wealth) with someone. Unlike most gays I know, I don't like clubs and I was never into labels, now I'm more into saving money than anything else. In a partner I want someone that I can chill and build something with, and give to emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially and have it given back or at the very least appreciated. The more superficial things just don't matter so much to me. Sometimes I feel like yes, of course, I'm obviously gay, but so not gay all at the same time.
As I sat and talked to Pubby last week, he finally acknowledged how much of myself I gave to him when we were together. I gave him, it, us, my all. I loved him with every cell in my body, ever fiber of my being. I broke my back to make that shit work, doing all I possibly could, but I was not getting the love back. Then he said to me that he just wasn't ready for that again yet and that that's why he was so neglectful as far as I was concerned and that he had just come out of something when we first met. etc,. etc,. etc... Then I just kinda tuned out. As much as this was a revelation for him it wasn't for me. I'd heard this all before. Below is the amended version of how my relationships work. I also recommend that you check out the blog post that fully details how my relationships work. Anyway:
I find someone.
I get with them.
I fall for them.
I give my everything.
Everything seems okay.
They start neglecting me.
It drives me crazy.
It hurts my feelings.
I break it off with them.
They don't care because I guess they weren't so into me in the first place.
We have the post break-up closure conversation in which they tell me that they just weren't ready for what I was looking for and that they've just gotten out of something, long term with someone else and there's still feelings and baggage there, yadda, yadda, yadda, etc., etc., etc... I've had this conversation so many times I could finish their sentences at this point. So what is it about me that draws these people to me? I know I sure as hell didn't go out looking for this stream of heartbreak and disappointment that is my romantic life. I'm not trying to be the proverbial "Captain Save-A-Ho" scouting for wounded souls to gentrify into the perfect companion. And who are these people that leave them so heartbroken? They always seems to have given their everything to these deadbeats in long term relationships and got fucked over so bad that there's nothing left for me. Why do I always have to be the rebound dude, the one who has to carry the leftover baggage from the last dude until my arms get tired and I end up dropping the shit? How can I get down with being first? Is this why I've never been in a long term relationship, because I'm always receiving damaged goods? Is it because I'm a nice guy? Is nobody gonna give me love unless I fuck them over too? 'Cuz the nigga that fucks them over, they all go running back to them, leaving me standing there with my open and pure heart, looking like an ass every time. This shit is crazy. When a nigga is obviously fucking me over I leave his ass alone. Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you're getting mistreated? If you find a good man and you know he's a good man, doing all he can for the relationship, trying to make you happy, why would you leave that or neglect that for someone who makes you unhappy. I don't get it.
I mean, dammit Danity Kane! How am I gonna "fix it, fix it, fix it" if they keep going back to the same dude that messed them up in the first place? Maybe I'm just not "up for the challenge" anymore? I'm throwing my "first aid kit" away. I'm tired of playing doctor, I'm closing the practice. All I want is a fair fuckin' shake. I come in fresh and healed up, all my past let go, you come in fresh and healed up, all your past let go and we just do this.
Like I said, unfortunately my values system just doesn't seem to fit in with gay life. In the words of Lil' Kim "Sometimes I feel like I'm from another fuckin' world..." and with my upbringing, way of thinking and values system in comparison to most gay men I know, I guess I am.
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Playing In The Background...
"Damaged"
by Danity Kane
from the album "Welcome To The Dollhouse"
and
"Custom Made (Give It To You)"
by Lil' Kim
from the album "Notorious K.I.M."
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