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I realized that I haven't given y'all a dating update in a while so I thought I'd catch everyone up. New people I suggest you read this and this first.
Get ready 'cuz this is gonna be a long one.
Enjoy.
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These past two weeks were busy, yet fruitful, yet very trying ones for me. The coolest thing about posting the story of my life on a blog is that I get to see all of my bullshit in black and white. The even cooler thing about posting the story of my life on a blog as popular as this one is that everyone else gets to see all of my bullshit in black and white and will call me on it if I happen to fall back into it. It's like I've got hundreds of little internet angels watching over me. Like I said before it's so easy to rationalize your bullshit when it only lives in your mind. To put it on paper/internet makes it a tangible, legible thing that you then have no choice but to deal with.
Bad relationship habits, like acne and diabetes are just about impossible to cure. The key is to stay on top of them, giving them daily treatment in order to keep them under control. This treatment becomes a new habit which will eventually cancel out the old habits. Once you realize what your bad habits are, doing things not to trigger them becomes a part of your daily routine just like combing your hair or brushing your teeth, thus creating a new habit. As we have seen from my relationship pattern (read the post about that here) that I tend to like a guy and then start doing way too much, running after him if you will. Then when I don't feel like my efforts are being reciprocated properly I get hurt and out of that hurt I just up and dump the person and replace that person with the next person. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I'm trying my best to avoid that by constantly reminding myself to relax, not rush things, and not take things so personally.
Being a Leo I can be an impetuous and somewhat emotional person. Unfortunately at times I'll let my emotions solely dictate my actions. I'll say or email something that I didn't put as much thought into as a should have, reacting to how I feel and once it's said or the send button is pressed there's no taking it back. My future PR person is gonna be working overtime dealing with me. That's why I usually try to give myself 36-48 hours before I write about an experience on this blog. I try to let all of my emotions run their course before I sit down to write so I'm able to tell the story in the most objective way possible.
Well we left off with CancelCancel and I not dating anymore (read about that in this post). Which brought me down to just dating Pubby. In the last few weeks Pubby and I have gotten closer, scratch that, I've gotten closer to him. But on the Friday before last I guess I got a little too close. I asked him something about where he'd been the night before and why he wasn't answering his phone. I realize that we aren't all that yet and we're both dating different people and maybe I was overstepping my bounds a little but when I call I'm used to used to him answering. I just wanted to know what was up. Maybe he was going through something I could have helped him with? I was actually a little worried about him, this was strange behavior.
So I asked him and he gave me the ol' "Sometimes I just don't feel like talking." line. If I had a quarter for every time I heard that one. Could somebody please tell me what the fuck that shit means? If you like somebody and you say you care about them and they call you why would not offer them the courtesy of at least answering the phone and saying "It's not a good time. I'll call you back later."? Maybe I'm just too nice but you'd think that be the thing to do. Then he proceeds to reiterate the fact that we're not "together" and I have no right to ask him any questions. He snapped at me. This nigga really just snapped at me, like what the fuck!?! So being totally over the whole situation we got off the phone. He called me back a while later and I didn't answer the phone. I was mad at him for snapping at me. I realized that I was letting myself get way too into him and that I would have to make a conscious effort to start being a little more indifferent toward him, thus the poem. Whenever I'm going through something that's when I'm inspired to write poetry and usually my poems take about five to thirty minutes to write. It's like I get this burst of creative energy and I have to write down exactly how I feel at that moment before I lose it. A few hours later he apologized to me via a long text message:
"I do apologize if I came off rather abrupt. Nothing I do is meant to hurt your feelings or is done out of spite. I can be a very blunt person and for the most part I tend to shoot from the hip. It takes a certain type of person to deal with my particular brand of brashness. No offense to you but I need to be me right now... Maybe you should rethink whether this is the type of situation u can honestly deal with. Because like I said u r an amazing guy and the last thing I would want to do is hurt you."
I'm sorry but a good portion of that was total motherfucking bullshit. Why do people feel that they can use being "blunt" and "shooting from the hip" as an excuse not to be nice? That's total fucking bullshit and a total cop out. If someone is nice to you you are nice to them, period. It was good for him to have apologized but he ruined it by then trying to make excuses for his behavior. If you're sorry, you're sorry, period. Making excuses for it made the whole apology half-assed. I was now really over it. I replied.
"It's whatever. Ima let u do u, Ima do me and we'll see eachother when we see eachother, no pressure and u don't have to worry about me being all up under you tryna find out where u are or why u didn't call. We'll talk when we talk... we'll see eachother when we see eachother. I fully see what it is now and I'm not gon stress it."
For some reason this text message was not getting through to him. I tried three times that Friday night and he still never got it. The time my fucking balls finally drop, the fucking message doesn't go through. Ain't that some bullshit? Waking up that next morning, Saturday I was still mad at him though and was mustering up the courage to remain indifferent. I like him and all that but the hot/cold thing wasn't cool. I didn't deserve that shit. So he texted me that morning, the same day I taped my appearance on Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show and I tried my best to keep things as dry as possible.
P: "Morning sweetheart."
A: "Good morning."
P: "What u up to?"
A: "Writing in my blog."
P: "Cool."
A: "Did you ever get that text?"
P: "No."
I sent him another text paraphrasing the original one I sent. I don't think he got that either so I called him and told him how I felt. He was cool with it. Why wouldn't he be, it was what he wanted. It's not as though what I want is important or anything. About three hours later I receive this text:
CC: "Hey Adam,
It's Cancel Cancel. I just wanted to let you know I got a job. (He was looking for a new job last time we talked) Thanks for all of your encouraging words and hopefully we can be friends again."
A: "Yeah why not, we can be friends. I actually miss ur goofy ass. lol"
CC: "Yeah man I miss you too. I'm really sorry for not showing u the same amount of attention you showed me. I guess I don't know how to let my guard down."
This shit is crazy. Are these dudes relay racing or some shit? It's like as soon as I'm mad at one here comes the other. Do they call each other and plan this shit? Anyway, I'm nice, you know I forgave him. Even after I went all off on him in this post. I even saw him this past Friday. Now are things back to the way they used to be? Hell fuckin' no! As easy as it would be for me to say "Awww that's nice, I forgive you." and forget everything and walk off into the sunset, I'm not. I like him but homeboy still has some shit to prove to me. So I'm kicking off my Timbs, putting my feet up on the dashboard and letting him drive things for a while. It's different for me but I'm doing it. Like I said in the post I'm making sure his ass shows me some damn effort. With that we'll see if he's really serious or not. But I do have to say he's been doing pretty good lately. He's been calling and texting more, stopping by my job to see me or even leaving with me sometimes. We work close to each other and get off at the same time. I'm not getting all caught up but we'll see.
Back to Pubby. We texted each other a little bit that day but I was still doing my best to be indifferent. For most people it's so easy not to care and not to pour out affection but for me it's really hard. I must been doing a decent job though because he texted me two days later, that next Monday:
P: "R u mad at me?"
A: "Nah I'm not mad at u. You've probably noticed that I've been somewhat indifferent w u lately. It's just that I have feelings 4 u. And u don't feel the same for me. And as much as I would like to tell u how much I miss u or how much I wanna hold u in my arms again or how your smile makes me melt. I can't, what's the point? It's hard but I'm making a conscious effort no to do or say too much. I'm just tryna give you space."
P: "I respect that. I respect your feelings. I have no choice but to. I really have no idea what to say."
So I pour my heart out like a damn fool and he has nothing to say... figures. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me and why I like this dude so damn much! That text was an emotional outburst that did not get approval by my mind before going out. Remember what I said about that send button? I don't know why I told him all that. I really regret that shit now. Why the fuck couldn't that pussy-ass text message get stalled in the atmosphere. Even the fuckin' cell phone company is working against me. Even after sending that message at that moment I didn't see Pubby the same way anymore. The lustre was gone, the magic faded. At that moment he became just like every other guy who has trampled over my heart in the past.
From that day the text messages were few and further between. We did have plans to meet up on Friday evening (that's this past Friday, four days ago, I know it's hard but keep up) though because I needed to pick up something from him. I also had my date with Cancel Cancel later that night so I told him that I would need to make things kinda early because I had something to do later. When I saw Pubby that Friday evening. I didn't feel quite the same way about him anymore, sure I still had some feelings for him and he was attractive, shit he was fine, but I made sure to come with extra tight security around my heart that day. I was so guarded that I didn't even hug him when I saw him. He didn't even look the same to me. He even said to me "Oh, I don't get no hug." I hugged him but I made a conscious effort to get down to business and keep it there. He really hurt me more than he realized and I was not trying to get sucked in again.
His friend Alex, came to pick him up from where we were. I needed to get to an ATM so he asked his friend if he could drive me there. That was awfully considerate, but I wasn't gonna think anything of it. When I left the ATM I walked back to the car and was preparing to say my thank you's and goodbyes, go home and get ready for my date with Cancel Cancel and my photo shoot the next day. Then Pubby asked his friend whether he could drive me to the train I needed to take. Okay, now this is weird. Pubby has been so aloof, cold and antiseptic all week. Why is he being so warm now? But whatever, I took the ride. right before I exited Alex's car Pubby said "Have fun on your date tonight." How the fuck did he know I had a date? And what's it to him? And why would he care? As nice as it would be for him to actually show that he was alive and be a bit jealous I knew better than to think that. I have my stupid moments but I'm not that stupid. He ain't been caring that much.
So I had my date with CancelCancel. It was cool, like I said, he seemed to be showing some improvement lately but I'm not tryna get caught up in that. I was already over men that day, all men. We chilled, it was cool. But I didn't think much of it. It was what it was and if it happens again, good, if not, good. Whatever. Like I said, he's in the driver's seat now so we'll see how serious he is.
Saturday I had the photo shoot and it turned out great. You'll see the pictures here probably by the weekend. Pubby had been excited talking all week about this party he was going to that night. And he said that maybe we'd see each other Sunday, that is if he wasn't tired after a whole weekend of partying. A week ago I probably would have been all hyped to see him on Sunday but at this point I was numb and slowly starting to get over him anyway so I didn't really care one way or another and I didn't bother asking him about it again. If we saw each other we did, if we didn't we didn't. I mean our seeing each other was based on a condition, whether he was tired from partying all weekend. As usual Adam is on the back burner, Adam is not a priority even though I go out of my way for everyone else.
I texted Pubby and asked him for the info on that party he was talking about. He made it sound like it was gonna be so much fun so I thought maybe I should go. It was my friend Kevin's birthday that night. I met him and the rest of our people at a restaurant right after my photo shoot. They were going to the party as well. They went straight from the restaurant. I decided to go home and change clothes first. I was planning to arrive at the fashionably late time of 2:30. When I got home I was dead tired. Something told me that I should not go to that party. I already don't like parties and clubs as it is. Against my better judgement I went anyway. One of these days I'ma start listening to my better judgement.
As soon as I get to the party and step out of the cab, who the fuck do I see but Chuck (I mention him in this post). Chuck is my ex-best friend who is still mad at me because I cut him off abruptly two years ago for being a shady bastard. I even went so far as to apologize to him via email back in July in an effort to move forward and he still is shady toward me. Every time I see his ass in a club or whatever he goes out of his way to speak to all of my friends and not speak to me. I'm like dude, grow the fuck up, it's not that serious, it was like two years ago. I'm not a shady person and to see him and have to be shady is so much work and I really wasn't into it that night. That was the first sign that I shoulda got my ass in a cab and went back home. And then in the party I see this other kid who threatened (yes threated cuz his ass ain't never do nothin') to fight me last year over some dumb shit. And then to top it off, some kid who I chilled with one night and never called me again (I never called him either) came up to me at the party talking to me like we're best friends and shit. I'm looking at him like who the fuck are you? And why the fuck are you talking to me? This was so not where I needed to be.
Pubby was supposed to meet me at the party. I saw Alex but I didn't see him. I was gonna text him and ask him where he was but then I thought 'Fuck that! I'm not looking for him.' I've done enough as far as he was concerned. I finally got callous and dammit I was staying that way! On the bright side I did see a few people I hadn't seen in a while. I stayed at that party a little over an hour. When my best friend Russell said he was ready to go I popped the fuck up like popcorn. I love my friends and it was nice to be with them, especially because it was Kevin's birthday that night, but I could have done without this.
When I got home that night my mind was going a million miles an hour. What the fuck was wrong with me? Why was I so stupid? I was angry. I couldn't sleep and I wrote Pubby a somewhat angry email to his cell phone telling him that I just didn't wanna deal with him anymore. I figure if I just remove myself from him then maybe I'll get my brain back. He was no good for me. I know I deserve someone who will treat me better, or at least treat me like I fuckin' exist. So I wrote it, hit the send button and went to sleep.
The next morning, Sunday morning I was out shopping and I got a call from a strange number. It's Pubby, calling me from his job. He proceeds to tell me that he lost his cell phone last night and that he didn't end up getting to that party until like an hour after I left. That also means that he did not receive the email I wrote him. What the fuck? Why is it that every time I grow some fuckin' chest hair and tell this dude how the fuck I feel something always happens? But you know what fuck that! I'm telling him how I feel right fuckin' now. So I told him that I feel like I need to be away from him for the time being so I could get over him and get my fuckin' mind back because he obviously is not into me like that. He proceeded to tell me that what I was doing was selfish and immature. He's then tells me how much he cares about me and how he doesn't want me to do this. And I'm standing there in a state of shock trying to figure out when he started caring about me so much. All the hardness I worked so hard to build up inside melted away, I crumbled. I reneged on my resolution. I even left the store I was at to go have dinner with him. We talked in a very friendly-like, platonic way about why my relationships never work. He told me that with all the wisdom I have and all the good advice I give to people I never seem to follow it for myself. Oh yeah, that day he found his phone, and my angry email.
For some reason I'm drawn to him and it can't possibly be healthy. Even after our dinner I wanted to do was kiss him and hold him in my arms again. What the fuck is wrong with me? That night, inspired by our conversation I poured my heart into this poem and emailed it to him. I also sent him another email. Both of which never got to his phone Sunday night. We talked on Monday, yesterday morning and he told me that he wanted to read what I had written. I tried all day yesterday, it wouldn't work. After I got home from the gym last night and after having gone through that horrible altercation with the police. I texted Pubby. He called me. I asked him if he had gotten the emails I wrote. You know, the ones where I poured my heart out, again. He said yes. There was silence. I asked him what he thought. He said he had nothing to say... figures.
So if there was anyone out there who thought that I thought that I was perfect, you're wrong. I'm very far from it. After reading this over and cringing at my actions I've just realized that my problem is that I don't fully realize my worth. I deserve so much more and so much better than the situations I put myself in. Not to sound the least bit conceited but I have dudes throwing themselves at me every day, I have people telling me Adam you're great, your writing is great, you're so handsome, you're a great guy, you're so sexy, you're all this, you're all that. The problem is that sometimes deep down inside I don't see it. I see it at times but then again I don't see it. How can I save the whole world and be a mess myself? One of these days I'm gonna realize that everything I need I already have inside of me and not to react out of a fear of being alone. I'm not totally hopeless though, some days are better than others and I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I used to be. Reading my life on this blog definitely helps. There's no way I can rationalize this stupidity. I'm forced to get off my ass and do something about it.
I woke up this morning and went to work today not sad, not mad, but different, I'm free. No angry phone calls, no declarative emails, no proclamations via text message. I'm not going out of my way anymore. I'm gonna just be, I'm just gonna live. I'm actually so glad to be alive. I could have very well had my life taken from me last night. If I were dead would any of this have mattered? Maybe someone would cry and then life would go on. My life is my responsibility. I have things to do and moves to make. I have goals to meet. That's why I spent my whole day writing this. This blog has given me more than most people have ever given me my entire life and the joy of my life right now is to share my experiences with each and every one of you, whoever will read, that hopefully someone can learn from my mistakes. That someone who has fallen off doesn't get totally discouraged. It happens to the best of us. So let's get back up on that saddle and ride again. Some of us will hobble, some will gallop, some of us will crawl but eventually we'll make it. Old habits die hard and the best way to kill them is to replace them with a new habit. Loving myself and realizing my worth is becoming my new habit.
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Playing In The Background...
"Walk Away"
by Christina Aguilera
from the album "Stripped"
and
"For A Lifetime"
by Teedra Moses
from the album "Complex Simplicity"
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