==========
I was talking to someone Saturday night who had read the now infamous "I Really Am A Bottom I KNOW I Am..." post. He told me that thoroughly enjoyed it and that led to us having a conversation about the roles of tops and bottoms and what my preferences are. We also touched on the subject of respect for people's sexual boundaries. It reminded me of this experience.
Enjoy.
I've also included this in the Online Dating Horror Stories category.
==========
I am a top. I am, I am, I just am. I lost my virginity (actually I know exactly where I put it) as a top. Out of curiosity I tried the bottom thing. I figured when I'm fucking the other person is having such a good time I wanted to be a part of the fun! That is until it happened (that's a whole 'nother blog post). I felt like Whitney Houston in "Waiting To Exhale" ("grrr huh...?" my body didn't need that) and like Lela Rochon "I coulda had a V8." After that first time any subsequent attempts (which were few, far between, and never more than ten minutes) were out of me 'really liking a guy,' but even that got really old, really quick. So now I'm like a force field, I'm impenetrable. I've gotten to the point in my life now that I am what I am and whoever doesn't like it can suck my dick... literally. The whole getting fucked thing, nothing wrong with it, it's great for other people, but not for me.
I was online one night and this dude hit me up. He said that I had given him my number before but that he never called. I honestly could not place him at all. From the picture I saw of him online he was cute-ish. I've learned not to trust just one picture anyway. It takes a dayum photo shoot to gain my confidence. But anyway we started talking back and forth exchanging pleasantries, yadda, yadda, yadda. Then he asks me whether I liked threesomes. I told him that I had engaged in them before. Then he mentioned something about getting together with a bottom. I asked him whether he was a top. He said "yeah". I was wondering 'how in the hell did he slip through the cracks?'
I make it a practice not to date or even entertain the idea of a romantic relationship with a fellow top. Why? Why? I'll tell you why... because it's pointless. There's no point in wasting time dating and getting to know someone knowing that there's only but so far you can go. But I don't mind being friends with one.
He hit me back up online and said to call him in ten minutes. I thought to myself 'what the fuck am I gonna call you for?' so I didn't. After a while he called and we talked a little further. All during the conversation he is trying to convince me that I should at least sixty-nine with him. All the while I'm hitting him with a barrage of him "no's", "I'm good's" and "Nah, I don't get down like that's". He didn't seem to be taking no for an answer. You see why I don't mess with tops? The conversation ended soon after.
Then he texts me and asks where in Harlem do I live because he may be in the area. 'Hmmm, should I give him my address?' I thought. As much as his top advances irritated me I have to admit I was intrigued. A part of me wanted to see what he looked like, so against my better judgment I told him what corner I lived off of, not really expecting him to come anyway. Then he texted me and told me that he'd be at my house in 30 minutes. I expected to meet him and have him chill for a minute. I wasn't trying to do anything sexually with him. I made that clear over the phone and I wasn't tryna stay up half the night, I had work the next day.
In the interim he sent me a text that went something like this:
"Get that dick and hole lubed up shawty"
What the fuck? Didn't I tell this nigga I'm not tryna do nothin' with him and if I were to do something it sure as hell wont involve any holes of mine. So I text back:
"Nigga u ain't doin' shyt with my hole! Yo, I told you I don't get down like that."
"Love u 2 shawty... stop bitchin'... see u in a few."
Oh, this nigga is tryna pull some ol' Big Daddy game shyt on me. Doesn't he know I invented that shyt? A part of me regretted this and wanted to just leave his ass downstairs and not answer the phone when he calls me. This is a big building, he doesn't know what apartment I'm in, he doesn't even know what I look like besides the pictures he saw. It's not like I haven't done the shyt before. The other part of me wanted to cuss his ass out. Who the fuck was he calling "shawty"? I ain't ya dayum "shawty" nigga! Don't try to pull that bitch shyt on me...
So he came and needless to say I let him in. Robo-Munchkin (that's the name I'm giving him, Robo because we met on online, Munchkin because he was short) was cute-ish, and about 5'8, 140 lbs. I answered the door giving my world famous sexy, ready for bed look. I came to the door in basketball shorts with no shirt on. I was gonna tease this nigga. I wasn't planning on getting no ass from him so I was gonna have a little fun. I'm usually not a game player but I felt frisky that night. He looked at me, he liked what he saw. But he was cool. I guess he was tryna feel me out. From his conversation I could tell he thought he was the shyt because he had a car and some jewelry and some bird ass nigga woulda probably fell for his shyt. But not I, I'm A. Benjamin Irby, nigga ask about me.
So I'm laying on my bed watching TV, he's sitting up. I hear his shoes hit the floor. Ain't nobody ask him to take off his dayum shoes. Robo-Munchkin lies down next to me and as were having small talk he slides his right arm under my lower back with his fingertips inching toward my ass. I bust out laughing.
"Nigga, what the fuck are you doing?
I ask, laughing but dead serious at the same time.
"I'm just tryna..."
"Nigga get ya hand off my ass I told you I don't get down like that! So you didn't think I was serious, huh? I told you that I'm a strict top and that I wasn't tryna do nothing with you. What you thought you were gonna come here, I was gonna see you and just change my mind?"
I looked at him and I could tell even without him saying a word that that's exactly what he thought.
"It don't work like that, not with me."
So we talked a little while longer. Then he said:
"C'mere..." in his pseudo-Big Daddy voice.
I rolled my eyes as I slid over wondering what he trick he was gonna pull next. Then he started ravenously sucking my neck. I started laughing. I said:
"Nigga, what are you doing?"
"Relax."
He said with a slight tinge of frustration in his voice. He was a persistent little munchkin.
"Don't get no hickies on my neck nigga."
I said as he began to suck harder.
Then he put my hand on his crotch in an effort to feel his hardening dick through his jeans. I wasn't impressed. He put his hand in my basketball shorts to feel my flaccid dick. This was all doing nothing for me and now this game I was playing started getting boring. I was so over this. I looked at the clock by the TV trying to calculate how many hours of sleep I would get before work once I got him the hell outta here. Then he asked:
"You got any porns?"
'Porns,' I thought, 'who the fuck says porns?' What kinda word is that? I've heard of porno or pornography, but porns. Even the way his ass talked started to annoy me. He had to go. Obviously he wanted us to jerk off together. Why the fuck would I waste a perfectly good nutt doing this shyt? But whatever got him out of my hair the fastest. So I turn the movie on, I turn around and he's naked. I see Robo-Munchkin wastes no time.
I wondered, just like you are what homeboy was packin'. He was talkin' all this Big Daddy top killer shyt (A top killer/slayer is a top that is just so hot or has so much swagger that he can get other tops to let him beat. I've killed quite a few tops in my day.) that I'm expecting to see an anaconda. People say that in a top/top situation deciding who is gonna top was a matter of who had the bigger dick, bigger dick wins. Needless to say, he lost. I can't believe that Robo-Munchkin really thought I was really gonna let his munchkin ass climb on my back.
So we jerked off. He wanted to do it in a sixty-nine-like position. I don't know why cuz I sure as hell wasn't sucking his dick. He was hard, I was hard-ish. He put my hand on my dick as though I was supposed to jerk him off while his finger was inching toward my asshole. I asked yet again:
"Nigga, what the fuck are you doing?
"Oh, oh my bad."
"So you not gonna lick it for me?"
"Hell no."
"A little bit, just the head?"
"No."
"If you suck mine, I'll suck yours."
"Nah, I'm good" I said as I jerked my semi flaccid dick.
Since he's been here, being in this position was the first time I looked him square in the face. He really wasn't bad looking at all. He was attractive. He kissed me and that really wasn't bad. I would have at least jerked the nigga off if he wasn't such an asshole. He annoyed me so much by that time with his pseudo-Big Daddy bullshyt that all his cute points had gone out the window. Then he motioned his dick toward my face in a last ditch effort to get me to suck it. I said:
"If you want that thing I suggest you get it outta my face."
By then I think he finally got that I meant business.
He came first and few moments later I managed to muster up a nutt from my erect-ish dick. We went into my bathroom to clean up when he made some comment about my ass being fat. He had to go. I rushed his munchkin ass out my crib to never see him again.
Why did he text me the next day talkin' about "Sup homie." Is he serious? Hopefully our meeting taught him a lesson in learning to respect other people's sexual boundaries. I learned that I'm way too old to be playing games and teaching lessons. I don't have nearly enough patience for that shyt.
==========
Playing In The Background...
"Big Munny"
by Swizz Beatz
from the album "One Man Band Man"
==========
