Sex: October 2007 Archives

So I was on a date with this guy once. We had been dating for a little while and I really liked him. We even had had sex a few times before, it was always great. At that time we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks. I missed him. I missed being around him but I was also horny as hell. We set up a date for the upcoming Friday night. Earlier that week as we talked on the phone and texted back and forth I was dropping pretty obvious hints that I was trying to get some on the night of our date. I basically said everything short of 'I wanna fuck you on Friday night.' I wasn't getting any objections to anything so I assumed all systems were go.

On Friday I assumed my "pre-I'm-getting-me-some-tonight-rituals" of masturbating only once (because as you've already read I masturbate at least twice a day, read that post here) early in the morning as to give my guys enough time to regenerate for the evening's activities, my Kegel exercises (if you don't know about them I suggest you Google them) because nobody likes it when you pop the cork and the champagne doesn't shoot out, I cleaned up the house, changed the sheets, I made sure my Glade Plug Ins Scented Oil Light Show was full because nothing is sexier than walking into a home that smells good. I think I even went to the gym that day. I was ready. I was a lean, mean, fucking machine. All that was left to do was to pick out an outfit, something that looked good but could be ripped off at a moments notice.

So Friday evening comes and we went out to a really nice dinner. Then we went to a club. Things were getting hot and heavy on the dance floor. There was some bumping and grinding, neck sucking, kissing, my dick was hard, everything was lovely. In the club the music was loud so I texted him saying something like "Let's get outta here and go back to my place." He was cool with it. I was excited. I was finally gonna get me some and from him, this guy who I really liked. As much as I sound like a horny dog right now I really did have feelings for this guy. As always, other sexual opportunities presented themselves but he was the one I really wanted.

All during the train ride home there was all this sexual tension. I just wanted to have him right there on the subway train. Obviously we're gay, so I couldn't even kiss the dude without having to fight somebody. Society... two dudes can't tongue each other down on a subway train without a bitch having something to say. Lemme stop, 'cuz gay or not gay I've never really been into PDA anyway.

We get back to my place, lights dim, smelling good, all this sexual tension bubbling over. We start kissing, the clothes somehow come off and we fall into bed. We suck, we lick, we grind, I eat, he's moaning, I eat, he's moaning, I grind, hes' moaning, I suck his neck, he's moaning, I eat, he's moaning, I tease him with the head of my dick, he's moaning, I reach for the nightstand drawer, he stops.

"I don't wanna have sex tonight?"

"Huh?"

"I don't wanna have sex tonight?"

"What?"

There's was no blood left in my brain at that point so I couldn't really reason past one word questions yet. I was starting to sound like 'Lil Jon.

"I don't wanna have sex tonight?"

"Why?"

"Because I don't feel good."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

One of the worse things to happen to a man, especially a gay man, especially a gay man who is a top is to be left with the horrible, terrible, proverbial, blue balls. For a man to get his hopes up, touching, kissing, cuddling, rubbing, listening, paying for dinner, all for that moment when his throbbing hard dick can finally get the satisfaction that his body has been craving all night, all week, all month, all however long it was since the last time he got some, only to be denied at last second is, is, it's just fucked up! I can sit here and look back on all the dates I've made, and all the plans I've made, and all dinners I've paid for, and all the boring ass conversations I've had to sit through, and all the boring ass places I've been dragged to all in the hopes of tappin' that ass. Even with all this work put in whether I will really get some has always remained an uncertainty.

Well this is a new day people! You wanna talk? You want communication? Well dammit, let's talk, I'm ready to communicate. So I've decided rather than assuming, wishing, hoping and praying that I get some I'm just gonna come straight out and ask. I know it's new, it's radical, it's different. Most of our actions in a dating situation usually hinge on assumption, subtle suggestion and inference but lately I've been testing out a more straight forward approach.

The time came for me and this same dude to go out again and before I started doing extra Kegels and push ups and shit I figured that I needed to know what I was, or rather wasn't getting into, so I could govern myself accordingly. As you know I've never done this with someone I've dated before. A few nights before our next date I send a text:

"I've never been this direct before but fuck it... Ayyo, can we have sex Friday night?"

"Yeah that's pretty direct. What happened to ur mack game? Ur supposed to make me want to have sex with you, not ask for it. lol"

You see that. That's that inference, assumption bullshit. I can't make him "want" anything. We're both grown. Either he wants to or he doesn't... for the most part. I'm usually pretty convincing but even with that there ain't that much "mack game" in the world. I laid down much mack game on the last date and you see where that got me. I wasn't taking any chances this time.

"U already wanna have sex with me. I just need to know if it's really gonna happen or not."

"Yeah."

"Thanks :) You see how easy that was... lol"

"Lol yeah yeah"

"There's so many things I wanna do to you..."

"U gonna let me ride u?"

"Hell yeah..."

"Aight cool, can't wait. ;)"

You see how simple that was. Nice and straightforward. Now we have no crazy mismatched expectations from the date. We can go out, have a good time and know we're getting some at the end of the night. Even if he said that he didn't wanna have sex with me I could still govern myself accordingly, like I said. I wouldn't expect anything. The real horror of blue balls is not so much a physical, I'm just horny thing. It's the dashing of expectations and the feeling of rejection that makes it so tragic.

On a more serious note repeated episodes like that, especially in the context of a relationship can lead to the rejected partner (top or bottom) harboring deep resentment toward the other. It can also have damaging effects on that partner's self esteem. Remember, gay or not we're all men and a good portion of a man's self esteem is wrapped up in his sexual prowess. Now I'm not suggesting for a second that anyone does anything that they don't want to do but whenever you don't want to at least take the time to explain why so the other person understands where you're coming from.

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Playing In The Background...
"Put Me Down"
by Donnell Jones
from the album "Life Goes On"
and
Sean Paul
"(When U Gonna) Give It Up To Me" feat. Keyshia Cole
from the album "The Step Up Original Movie Sountrack"
==========

"Oh something missing, the golden shower pissin'.
All up in ya mouth, what? You think I'm kidding?"
-Lil' Kim
from the song "Queen Bitch Part 2"

There's been a lot of talk about water sports aka golden shower (peeing on your partner as a sex act) here lately. Ever since I wrote the post where I told the story about my ex who wanted me to pee on him (I didn't do it by the way, read that post here) it seems like everyone has been asking me about it. It's even been a subject brought up on my recent internet radio and internet TV appearances.

Besides being uncomfortable with it, another reason why I didn't engage in water sports with my ex was because I just simply didn't know how the whole process worked. Where do you do it? How do you do it? What am I aiming for? What exactly is he doing while I'm "showering him with my love?" In the original post I reached out to all of you asking if there is someone out there  who engages in water sports who could tell me how exactly it works. One of you, my lovely readers, emailed me back:

"There isn't any specific set of etiquettes. If someone asks you to give him a golden shower, and you feel like obliging him, then just ask him what exactly he wants done. Every person likes it differently. You gotta ask him to be specific. Although ultimately, for the sake of hygiene, this sort of stuff should be done in a bathroom. Don't even try it on the bed with a plastic sheet cover. Shit don't work like that. How am I supposed to clean my wood floor?

And likewise, at least speaking from personal experience, I know the whole "peeing thing" is definitely not everybody's cup of tea (and I think other fans of "water sports" know this too). So I don't get upset if a person says "no" to me.  If you're not into it, well, c'est la vie. Just say no. If the other person has a sane head on his shoulder, he'd be fine and he'll live and won't get upset. If he throws a tantrum... well, then... he's gotta go!

My boyfriend sometimes wouldn't be in the mood for it, and he'd just say "no". Okay, I'd give it an honest effort and beg him 'cuz he's my boyfriend. I'd be laying inside the bathtub and all, but sometimes he just ain't in the mood. Well, what can you do? Life goes on."
-An AdamsWebLog.com Reader

Even though I still have a myriad of questions, this does at least begin to enlighten me on this whole concept. I also want to apologize to this reader and to all the 'golden showerers' out therefor sounding so judgmental about it when I was asked about it in the "Flawless" video. Who am I to judge you? Again, I apologize.

So in future posts if I ask for your help on something, please don't hesitate to hit me up. And as always if you have something to say about something I post here feel free to make a comment by clicking on the "Comments" link after each post.

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Playing In The Background...
"Queen Bitch Part 2"
by Lil' Kim
from the album "Notorious KIM"
==========

Hey everybody,

I have been picked by the very funny, very talented Nathan "Seven" Scott, executive producer of the wildly popular YouTube series "The & Show" as "The 7 Magazine's: Flawless Man Of The Month" for November 2007. This award is given to movers and shakers and up-and-comers like me in the LGBT community who are doing their thing but incidentally are also not hard on the eyes. I'm very honored that I was chosen given both eligibility factors.

Last Saturday me, Nathan Seven and DJ Baker of the Da Doo-Dirty Radio Show did a photo shoot in Brooklyn at some abandoned train tracks. Those pictures will be featured on "The 7 Magazine" website in November. In the meantime you can check out this YouTube video showing behind the scenes footage from the photo shoot. Hopefully I didn't look too nervous. Seven and DJ are crazy! It was so much fun.

Also check out "The & Show" on YouTube, it's hilarious!

Just in case you have a problem playing the embedded video here here's the YouTube direct link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxTwrWH6mqI

LINKS:
- "The 7 Magazine"
- "The & Show"

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Playing In The Background...
"Yummy"
by Gwen Stefani
from the album "The Sweet Escape"
========== 

As you know I have given up the whole online dating, sex, hookup thing (read about that in this post). When I told my best friend Mike that I had deleted my BlackGayChat/BGCLive, Adam4Adam, and Men4Now accounts and haven't been online in 22 days, 6 hours, and 29 minutes (it's not like I'm counting or anything) he didn't believe me. I mean, okay, yes, among my friends I had a reputation of being very... well, a whore. I personally don't like that phrase, I think it's ugly, but that's probably the word that they would use. And being said whore the internet was my bottomless... wait, scratch that, that's definitely not the word, it was my... endless, that's a better word, supply of casual sex whenever I wanted it, needed it, or was really bored. But with that gone I haven't been having sex much lately and have gotten back really really tight with an old friend, masturbation.

It's not that I ever stopped masturbating. It has always been a routine part of my life as I jerk off at least once but more often twice a day whether I'm sexually active or in a relationship or not, but now I'm doing it more than ever before. Actually I'm at work now typing this blog post and as soon as I'm done I'm gonna go buy one of those little travel-sized, overpriced, tubs of Vaseline and go jerk off in the bathroom real quick. Oh, don't look at me like that, it's not like you haven't done it. I'll wash my hands afterwards. I know to some of you it sounds crazy but sometimes I can't wait until I get home. I'm horny now and when I'm horny it's hard to concentrate. Even now my dick is at half mast and I'm wearing slacks. Something must be done.

Taking jerk off breaks away from home isn't a new thing for me though. My earliest memory of it was playing with my dick through the pockets of my jeans in the back of class in high school. Sometimes I would cum all down my leg and I'd be sticky all day. I realize that that probably wasn't my best idea so when I get that feelin' I usually head to the nearest bathroom.

I remember going to visit my aunt's house down south every year when I was younger. We would stay down there for a week or two weeks at a time and just like a diabetic takes their insulin and a single woman takes her birth control pills masturbation was an integral part of my daily routine and it definitely wasn't gonna just stop because I was away from home. There was this one time that I was masturbating in my aunt's bathroom after a shower and I ejaculated into the sink. The water's running and I'm thinking that that's a good way to get rid of the evidence, to wash it down the river, so to speak. Well, what I failed to realize was that my auntie had put a little metal net in her drain I guess in an effort to prevents clogs and catch hairs and earrings and other little things that can fall into an open drain. One thing the package probably didn't say when she bought it was that it was great at catching coagulated sperm as well. As I was about to walk out of the bathroom I looked down and noticed all of this white sticky stuff coating the drain net. I pick it up and realized that it was my coagulated sperm. So I spent the next fifteen minutes pulling sperm strings from it. Which if you've ever been in a situation where you've had to remove coagulated sperm from anything you'd know it's harder than Chinese arithmetic. As annoying as that was I'm glad that I realized it before another family member came to use the bathroom, imagine trying to explain that one.

One of the things I love most about me is that when I cum, I shoot. I'm veering off subject here but I actually can't take too much credit for that, the shooting thing, that is because it's not an ability I was born with. I owe that skill along with a lot my sexual stamina and prowess to doing Kegel exercises. I read about them in a sex book when I was like fourteen and have been doing them ever since. They're great, great for men, great for women, great for everybody, Google them. Anyway, yes I shoot when I cum. In a hot steamy sexual encounter it's a blessing, but when you're like sixteen tryna get a quick nutt off, looking out just in case your mom opens your bedroom door it can be a curse.

There was this one time when I was young, it was New Year's Eve and as usual my family was going to church for watchnight service. I laid the suit out that I was gonna wear on the bed. Suddenly I felt the urge, so I sat back in a chair and decided to bust my last nutt of the year. I jerked off until that shit just shot out everywhere. It was great, I made my own balls drop on New Year's Eve. Then I looked over and I saw a white streak of cum right on my suit jacket. Looking at it I could tell it was the first stream too, nice, thick, and long. I panicked. How was I gonna explain this to my Mama aka Jesus' cousin? "Ma, see what had happened was. I was jerking off thinking about boys and nutted all over my church clothes." Yeah, that woulda went over well. So I ran to the bathroom and used everything I could to get that stain out. Thankfully I did, that was a close one.

Masturbation mishaps unfortunately didn't end when I became an adult. Last winter my best friend Russell came up from down south and stayed with me. When he stays at my house we sleep in the bed together (No hanky panky... at least not anymore, You know we had to at least try each other out the first time. Like y'all ain't never tried out a friend before... whatever). Though I hardly had any sleep I woke up a little early for work that morning and as usual my sequoia was standing erect, jutting up majestically from the forest floor, I was horny, but lazy and somewhat half asleep. I know Russell, who was laying on my right with his back turned to me, was sound asleep because we had just gotten home from the club only three hours earlier. Then I looked to the left and saw that the lotion was right there on the floor (where I keep it). So I thought to myself 'hey lemme bust this nut real quick, Russell's asleep, he ain't gon' know'. So I slowly and quietly pulled my dick out lubed it up and jerked it under the covers at a 45 degree angle. Russ didn't move, so I pulled the covers back and jerked out in the open at a 90 degree angle. Then he moved, so I stopped and waited for him to settle. I jerked some more and then he moved again. I stopped. Then he got up to go to the bathroom. I seized the opportunity and jerked wildly quickly busting my morning nutt. When he returned to bed I greeted him and got up and got ready for work like nothing happened.

Later that day we were all hanging out somewhere, Me, Russell, Mike and some of our other friends when he said to me:

"Adam, you so fuckin' nasty!"
Russel scolded playfully.

"What you talkin' about?"

"I knew what you were doing this morning..."
I bust out laughing.
"That's why I went to the bathroom."

"How did you know?"
I asked because he never looked at me at the whole time.
"I did it real light, the bed wasn't moving was it?"

"No! I could hear the sound of the lotion and ya hand sliding up and down ya dick!"

Wow. I didn't know it was that loud. I'm circumsized, I usually like a lot of lube when I jerk off. Me and Russell still laugh about that morning to this day.

This is gonna sound conceited as hell but the reason why I think I jerk off so much is because I'm attracted to me. I turn me on. If I saw me in a club I would definitely try to holla at me. I would take me home and kick my best game to me in a effort to fuck me. And if I were me, well, yeah I am me, even though I am a top I would so let I fuck me. When I'm in the shower all lathered up and feeling on me I very rarely resist the temptation to jerk off. I love the feeling of my dick in my hand, it's such a nice caramel brown and it's heavy with the prettiest mushroom head. When it's hard I like to even like to pinch it under the brim and smack it up against things.

When I step out of the shower I love the way I look standing in front of my sink with my dick in my hand. looking at my chest and my abs and my arms. I'm not Mr. Perfect Body or am the biggest and buffest dude out there but I have my share of cuts and I'm proud of them. I worked hard for every one of them. When I jerk off in front of my sink in the morning (sans drain net) I like to watch my muscles tense, relax and flex as I pleasure myself. I like to see and practice the faces I make (y'all know y'all practice too). The best part though is watching the cum shoot from my own dick, that's hot. Masturbation and being turned on by me has really taught me to love myself in a new way.

Being with myself in such an intimate way has helped me understand that masturbation though viewed as something nasty and sinful in most religious circles is anything but. For me it's actually an almost spiritual experience. I totally understand now what Tweet meant in "Oops Oh My" and what Britney Spears meant in "Touch Of My Hand". I'm learning that for women masturbation is more about the journey than the destination. Women masturbate to find what out exactly what turns them on, what makes them feel beautiful and sexy and the actual orgasm though impending is secondary. For men it's all about busting a nutt. Women unlike men don't view masturbation as the circumstance of not having or losing someone. They see it as an opportunity to find themselves. Maybe that's why even though I'm not having as much sex as I used to jerkin' off is pretty aight. I have my moments but I'm actually pretty good right now. I'm finding myself. Now that I've figured it all out I'm about to go "find myself" all over that bathroom stall.

==========
Playing in The Background...
"Jerk"
by Next feat. 50 Cent
from the album "Welcome II Nextasy"
and
"Oops, Oh My"
by Tweet
from the album "Southern Hummingbird"
and
"Touch Of My Hand"
by Britney Spears
from the album "In The Zone"
==========

"...If only I could let you go, why do I need you so?
It's amazing what a boy can do, I cannot stop myself.
Wish I didn't want you like I do, want you and no one else..."

"...If only I could set you free, you worked your way inside of me.
It's amazing what a boy can do, I cannot stop myself.
Wish I didn't want you like I do, want you and no one else..."

"...It's amazing what a boy can say, I cannot stop myself
Seems I love you more than yesterday, love you and no one else."
-Madonna
from the song "Amazing"

When I first head this song on Madonna's "Music" album back in 2000 it was just a song, a good song, but just a song nevertheless. I would sing along to "Amazing" bopping my head to the beat and the guitars like it was nothing. It wasn't until I got into my first of a string of unhealthy, uneven, fucked up relationships that these words really started meaning something. That's when I learned that it really is amazing what a boy can do and what's even more amazing is the dumb shit that I would do and the ridiculous lengths I would go to keep said boy.

A few years ago I had ago I had an ex, we'll call him Jack. Jack and I met online. We talked on the internet for a while then we exchanged numbers and had some really hot phone sex after which he told me that he was from Brooklyn but living in a city about 1,100 miles away at the time, going to school. He seemed cool but I never saw the point of getting all wrapped up in somebody who was long distance so I basically stopped talking to him after that. He called a few times though and I just didn't bother answering the phone. Why should I? He wasn't here. What the fuck were we gonna do, have more phone sex? At that time I was too interested in real sex to want to acquire another long distance phone sex buddy. I had enough of those already.

He texted me about a month later and asked me if I remembered him, surprisingly I did. He told me that he'd be in the city soon. I told him to hit me up when he got into town, cutting our text convo short. As I  stated I really didn't have any patience to talk to long distance dates, even the ones that say they're coming to town. I'll believe it when I see it, that was my philosophy.

Obviously he did end up coming to town, he called me and we scheduled a meeting. When we met in person we discovered that we had gone to high school together but didn't know each other as we didn't hang out in the same circles. Jack was my type but I wasn't immediately attracted to him. As the night went on though he became sexier and sexier. Now that I think about it, it's probably because he took that damn durag he was wearing off his head. I hate when dudes where those things outside.

That night we hung out with his friends. They were real cool and we all were just walking through Brooklyn together talking and laughing, enjoying the warm night. Occasionally jack and I would exchange a lustful, flirty glance or two. I was feeling him but I couldn't help but feel like I was being reeled in somehow, not that he was a con artist or anything but from some of the stories his friends shared and from some of his mannerisms and things he said I picked up that breaking hearts wasn't a foreign thing to him. I made a note to myself not to go too fast too soon, to feel his ass out first, figuratively and literally. I remember we were sitting on the stoop of his friend's house when he gave me the naughtiest little look and texted me:

"Take the bus home with me so I can suck your dick."

My dick hardened with anticipation. I was excited and most definitely planned on being on that bus with him. He lived out of my way but fuck it, some things are worth going a little out of your way for sometimes. As I walked him home from the bus stop early that next morning I thought that he may have forgotten the promise he made me only a few short hours ago. I wasn't gonna stress it. I was having a good time with him and would even settle for just a kiss from him. I didn't care what we did I just wanted to be alone with him. All of our subliminal flirting got me so hot and bothered.

When we got to his, well, really his parent's house I walked him in and closed the front door behind me. We were in a small foyer area between the front door and a door that led to the rest of the house. I realized he hadn't forgot. After a few minutes of pleasantries and nervous conversation we kissed and it was fireworks. As our bodies were pressed against each other I groped him. His body felt so good in my hands, his back, his waist, his ass that I gripped and massaged forcefully with both hands. He tugged at my belt, freed my rock hard dick from me jeans, gripped it at the base got down on his knees and said:

"It's even bigger in person."

Then he began to lick, suck, kiss  and deep throat my dick like we were in love and this was our first anniversary, not like he had only met me only six hours ago. He devoured me with no fear or inhibition. He sent shockwaves of pleasure through my body so strong I could hardly stand up. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better he stood up, bent over and said:

"I want you to fuck me."

I dropped to my knees and feasted on his ass as he moaned and squirmed. I wanted to get him lubed up enough so that I could fuck him. Surprisingly I had no lube or condoms on me as I'm usually prepared for dates but who knew the night would turn out like this. I stood up, took my rock hard dick and smacked both his ass cheeks with it and made an attempt to enter him. It didn't work. I was too big to get inside of him without lube. Once we both realized that intercourse wasn't gonna happen, which was the best thing seeing that I didn't have a condom, he took my dick back into his mouth and sucked it ravenously until I ejaculated down his throat. As I tried to regain my composure he stood back up, kissed me, and invited me back over later to chill and of course to fuck.

Later that day I came back over, we chilled and talked and as we conversed I learned more about him. I even started to vaguely remember him from high school. I also remember why we never associated back then. He used to hang with the gay crowd, I didn't. At that time I was not that confident in my sexuality and even if I were I definitely didn't have the balls to hang with the gay crowd, not that I wanted to anyway. One thing led to another and we ended up having glorious, passionate, raw sex. Of course I know fucking raw is risky and just plain wrong, especially nowadays. I was going against my better judgment by doing it but he didn't like condoms and I liked him so I did it.

I remember how I had him in missionary position on the bed stroking him slowly but steadily making his bed creak with every thrust of my pelvis. The looks of pleasure on his face was so beautiful that I couldn't keep my eyes off him. In an effort to quiet things down as his mother was in the next room Jack stopped me and laid out a sheet on the floor and we proceeded to have sex down there. I remember that being some of the best sex of my life. Not because it was raw, but because of him. I wanted him so bad, he was so alluring and sexy to me. I liked him but I also sensed that he was a coquette who probably ate nice guys like me for lunch, I was trying not to fall, not to give him too much of myself but I couldn't help it, it was euphoric. To hear the vulnerability in his quiet moans and feel him grip my body so tightly as I went deeper inside of him was amazing. It gave me hope that maybe he was different, maybe he could be the one. I was falling for him.

From then on we spent just about every day of those next few weeks after that together and if we weren't together we were talking on the phone constantly. Due to lack of opportunity (we both lived at home at the time) we didn't even get to have sex again. Even so we had grown very closely very quickly and as usual in my life that spelled trouble. I didn't want things to end when he left. I told him that he was special to me and that even though we were gonna be apart it didn't mean we couldn't be together. We discussed it, scheduling, visiting, etc., and basically laid the ground work for a long distance relationship (I know, I know, don't look at me that way). The outcome of the arrangement was that we would see each other at least once a month between me going out there and him having school vacations and coming back home. It seemed at the time that our little arrangement could actually work.

So he left to go back to school and that same night I booked plane tickets and a hotel room for three weeks later. We were on the phone constantly for that three weeks. I'd be on the phone with him at work all night and on the phone with him at home everyday. He would tell me about his friends at school. I would talk to them. I would tell him about all that was happening at home. He would always tell me how much he missed me and how he couldn't wait to see me. I remember how we would send each other pictures back and forth and how I would look at his picture in my cell phone and smile and long for the day I would see him again.

As the day I was scheduled to leave was approaching the calls got less and less and I could feel him slipping away from me. Even when we did talk I could feel him backpedaling away from our original agreement. But even with that he was jealous when it came to me talking or seeing other people. Now that I think about it that's probably why he kept me on the phone all damn night all the time. While he was stuck in some hick town I was living here in New York, 'the fine ass ethnic men's capital of the world'. What's crazy is that with all the men here to choose from I only wanted him and here he was casting me aside, but still wanting me to be faithful to him.

He was really hurting me so in an effort to ease my pain I did the only thing I knew how. I went out and got my dick sucked by somebody else. As fucked up as it was, knowing that someone else in this world was attracted to me gave me this temporary pseudo-strength I felt I needed to deal with this situation. Like Popeye, you know, the sailor man? Popeye is to spinach as Adam is to getting his dick sucked, that was my spinach.

As the days passed things only got worse and worse. I wanted to just cancel the whole thing and maybe start something with the kid that had sucked my dick a few days prior. But I had already scheduled the time off work and paid for non-refundable plane tickets and a part of me still wanted to see Jack. All I could think about was the time we spent together and the way I fucked him on the floor of his bedroom, that shit was so amazing. I really wanted to be with him. Needless to say I was panicking. Not only was this hurting my heart, it was wasting my time, and even worse than that, it was costing me money. As much as I wanted him he was pissing me the fuck off.

The night before I was scheduled to leave I was at work and we got into a big argument after which I decided 'Fuck you, fuck this, fuck it! I'm not going'. He basically told me in a nutshelI that I'm basically on my own in his town. That if I saw him I saw him, if I didn't I didn't. He wasn't even gonna stay in the hotel with me. What the fuck was I gonna do in a city that I have never been too, don't know anybody in, and don't know a motherfuckin' thing about? Was he serious? This was no vacation, I was coming to see him. I remember him being such an asshole about it too. He was so aloof. He didn't care that I was putting my whole life on hold to come see him. He made it seem like this was all my big idea, as though we hadn't talked about and agreed to this. Now that I think about it, what the fuck did he have to lose here? We were the same age but here I was working my ass off making a pretty good living for a 22 year old while he was a broke ass college student who was gonna be coming to New York back and forth during holidays regardless. His obligation to me was no more than a bus ride across town while I'm flying across the country. I was the one making all the sacrifices in this deal we made and now he wants to pull the fuck away, ain't that a bitch! Granted, yes I was stupid to think that a homosexual that I knew for only about a month and a half at that time would do something crazy like honor his word.

What was so crazy and hurtful was that I wondered how much of what he was saying this and doing this whole time was real? Was he just faking it the whole time? And If he was faking, why would he? Why is even pulling away like this? What happened, what did I do? As much as I wanted answers to these questions I sure as hell wasn't gonna call his ass back and ask, fuck that. Now is the time for action.

So I canceled the hotel and the plane tickets. The airline said that I could keep half the money I paid for the tickets on hold, something like a store credit. I told my best friend Russell, who lives in a city about halfway between me and Jack the situation and he suggested that I take the bus down and come visit him since I had the time off, I agreed. I also made plans to visit my sisters, who I hadn't seen in a while and happened to live only 90 minutes west of Russell in an effort to kill two birds with one stone.

I'm on the bus in Newark, New Jersey, about 20 minutes outside New York and my cell phone rings and of course it was Jack. I had been ignoring all of his phone calls since the argument and didn't bother to tell him that I was not coming to see him. I thought my hanging up on his fallacious faggot ass would have implied that. But I decided that I wanted to revel in the pleasure of telling him that I wasn't coming, as though he would actually care. I answered. He got on that phone and cried and sobbed like a baby and apologized for everything he said and damn near begged me to come see him. I melted like a suppository in the crack of somebody's ass. I ended up going to see Russell but I cut that trip short and due to time restraints cut my sisters out altogether. I got a refund for my bus tickets to my sister's place and back to New York, bought a new more expensive, last minute plane ticket from Russell to Jack and used the credit I had on hold for a new flight home. I called the hotel and begged them to reinstate my employee rate. All of this costing me more money.

Three days later arrived in Jack's city. I got myself settled and armed with a bus map of the city that I had been studying for the last two weeks I went to pick Jack up from school. And there he was, just as fine as I remembered. Seeing him just made everything okay, the argument, the canceled tickets, the money, everything. We had sex again that next night and it was amazing again. We also fucked raw again which of course is wrong on so many levels. I know I don't talk much about the HIV and STD's on my blog but please don't fuck raw. Every time I think about the times I did it (mostly when I first came out and didn't know any better I cringe). If you're currently practicing raw sex please stop.

All during the trip he would introduce me to people as his "friend", even at the club we went to where dudes were flirting with him left and right. When I questioned him about that and exactly what the status of our relationship was he hit me with the ol' "We're still not in a relationship." one, two sucker punch to the gut. After flipping the bill for everything on that trip, food, the club, cabs, etc. This nigga never even opened his wallet, but I guess you can't pay for anything with cobwebs. Needless to say, I was emotionally and financially spent. I wasn't even so much hurt, I was numb and more importantly low on cash. I just came to the conclusion that this was it. It was over. At least I got my nutt off, right? And now I don't have to sit and wonder what could have been. Jack is officially an asshole, one that feels great stretched out around my dick, but an asshole nevertheless. I fucked him but he flipped me over and ended up fucking me... again, right in between the ventricles.

Oh by the way, I hope you didn't think it was over. So when I got back to New York I made a conscious effort not to speak to Jack. I got with the kid that sucked my dick and of course that ended. Soon after I found my way back to Jack's house and in his bedroom back at the scene of the crime. I found myself in his bed, again, quietly fucking him raw, again (see, you have to stop that shit before it becomes a habit), under his manipulative spell again. I was a little wiser the third time around and did not press any type of commitment or relationship issues. I kept it strictly as sex but I know that if he would have wanted me to I would have still dropped everything to be with him.

Eventually with some time contemplation and deliberate and complete avoidance (sometimes it takes just that) I totally got over Jack. I started to see him for the bullshitter that he was. I don't hate him at all, we'll still communicate via MySpace every once in a while. I've even seen him in the club a few times and he'll flirt with me and it does nothing. I'm totally over him now and when I see him I wonder how I ever got so far under him in the first place and how I ever let him manipulate me the way he did. I also wonder how I fell so deep for Jack and thought that things could actually work with him after knowing him for ten minutes. It truly is amazing what a boy can do, both boys involved.

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Playing In The Background...
"Amazing"
by Madonna
from the album "Music"
==========

I like phone sex, not $4.99 a minute, you're only doing this because you can't get a real date phone sex, no, no, nothing like that. I'm talking about hot, steamy, worry-free phone sex with people you'd actually have real sex with but unfortunately you live hundreds, even thousands of miles away from each other and are not nearly naive enough to even make an attempt at a long distance relationship. It's great, no muss, no fuss. We carry on our regular everyday lives and even go in and out of relationships and dating spells and our good ol' phone sex buddy always remains only a phone call away. I know there are people who say 'Why bother with phone sex? It's not the real thing anyway.' That's like asking why bother with masturbation? Who amongst us doesn't bother with that from time to time to time to time? Phone sex is like a masturbation upgrade, Masturbation 2.0, if you will. It's hot, it's audibly voyeuristic, and it won't ever send you running to the clinic, well, I guess that depends on who used the phone before you.

In my life I've had quite a few phone sex buddies, a lot of them being long term over the span of years. Because we go into our phone sex friendship knowing that there's not any possibility of an actual relationship we've already removed the drama and expectations that mess up most tangible relationships. And because the friendship only lives over the phone my phone sex buddies and I have even gone so far as to talk openly and freely about who were dating in our respective vicinities and even give each other advice and it's no big deal. No one's jealous, no one feels slighted, we both know our place, we don't expect more than what we have over the phone. We realize that our tangible relationships always come first. Sometimes we'll talk once a day, sometimes for whatever reason we may let weeks or months may pass without us talking but because we're friends it's easy to pick right up where we left off. Of course there is always the possibility of us meeting and doing something tangible with each other but it's not something we dwell on or even believe or expect so much. Like tangible friendships and relationships every phone sex friendship is different. Let's explore some of mine.

Phone Sex Buddy #1 lives about 600 miles away. We met on AOL over eight years ago and have been talking on the phone ever since. I was 16 and he was 17 the first time we talked and from day one we just clicked. Back then, we were both struggling with our homosexual feelings at the time and I think that even though we never talked about it then we both sensed it in each other that's probably why we got to be so close. I could talk to him about anything and vice versa. We used to be on the phone all night long for six, seven, eight hours at a time. Our conversations weren't sexual at first but slowly but surely we got there. One night we masturbated together over the phone, not talking dirty to each other but listening to each other grunt and moan (that shyt used to be so hot back in the day) we continued and we got to the point where we would time things so we could both cum at the same time. We tried our best to call it everything but gay (every time I think about that I laugh). We just resigned ourselves to simply calling it "that thing we do." Our little late night secret that we only shared with each other (as nobody knew about either of us at the time) really strengthened our bond. After we lost contact for a year or so we picked up where we left off (not talking everyday like we used to though) and ended up finally coming out to each other. Even though I have never touched him and only have seen him in pictures he is way more to me than a mere phone sex buddy. He is one of my best friends. He knows me better than most of the people I see everyday. We're grownups now and I'm dating and so is he so obviously the phone sex aspect of our friendship isn't as important anymore. We are both super busy people in our respective cities and we keep promising each other that one day we'll finally meet.

Phone Sex Buddy #2 was from New York used to go to an Ivy League school about 300 miles away. We met on one of those online dating sites and it said on his profile that he lived in New York but he was actually living up there (don't you hate it when that happens). Disappointed, but still horny I decided, fuck it, let's have phone sex. The phone sex was hot so we kept it going. During phone sex, I'm not sure whether this is a top thing or what, but I do basically all of the talking, vividly describing the situation, as I tell the other person what I want them to do to pleasure themselves. Their response to me would be through the moans and other sounds they make while their pleasuring themselves doing what I tell them to do (jerking off, fingering themselves, etc.). That's basically how things would go with him, but with him that's the only place they'd go. After that first time we had phone sex he really didn't like to talk much before of after. After exchanging normal conversational salutations and pleasantries he would dive right for my dick, so to speak and when we were done he would quickly rush off the phone. There was no friendship developing here, he was the phone sex equivalent of an anonymous guy you meet at the same time, in the same stall, at the same public restroom everyday to get your dick sucked (not that I've ever done anything like that, it's just an example, seriously), except that I actually knew his name. Sometimes he would call me in the middle of the night while he was up trying to write a paper so I could help him get a quick nutt off. He never knew this but sometimes I would have phone sex with him and not even be touching myself I would fake the whole thing. After a while he got vacation from school and came back in the city so we decided to meet up. He seemed a little weird upon meeting him in person, kinda like in that really smart guy who seems a little crazy and that you wouldn't be surprised is a part of a terrorist plot to blow up a landmark kinda weird. He had the house to himself while his parents were at work. We were in his room attempting to mess around and he was all jumpy and nervous, for obvious reasons I guess. Long story short, it was weird, he was weird, no I didn't fuck him, and we never talked again. Some things are better left in Fantasyville.

Phone Sex Buddy #3 is an enigma. He actually lives right here in New York but surprisingly we have never met. We met on the internet and like Phone Sex Buddy #2 I thought he was in New York but he wasn't. He works in a profession the requires him to travel a lot. We talk pretty sparingly and he'll hit me or I'll hit him out of the blue in the middle of the night and in true phone sex buddy fashion we'll continue right where he left off. The coolest thing about him though is that in his pictures he looks all rough and hood but when u get his ass goin' he starts hittin' high notes like Mariah Carey. That shyt is so fuckin' sexy. We have bullshitted our way through half-assed, haphazard, plans, actually talks of plans to meet up for the past two years we've been talking over the phone. For whatever reason it just never happened. In the beginning there were a few times we were really supposed to meet but he would cancel on me or I on him or something would come up (way more on his end than mine) and after a while I just gave up on that and decided to enjoy the phone sex for what it is. I figure after my experience with Phone Sex Buddy #2, maybe it's for the best, but I really did wanna fuck him though. We haven't talked in a while though and the way things are going we probably won't be talking again anytime soon.

I have other intermittent phone sex compadres with whom I keep in regular or rather not so regular contact with as we are all busy living our respective lives. But I know whenever I need them that they're just a phone call away.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Phone Sex"
by Syleena Johnson feat. Twista
from the album "Chapter 3: The Flesh"
==========

Have you ever been in the middle of sex with someone and that person said or did something that freaked you out a little bit? Have you ever said something during sex you wish you hadn't said or at least wish you hadn't said so soon? As much as we, the gays sometimes try to write off sex as a purely physical, I-just-wanted-to-get-my-nutt-off thing, and sometimes it is (hopefully for both, or all parties involved) we must realize that there is an emotional and psychological or dare I say even a spiritual element to it.

When we shed our layers of clothes to have sex we are also shedding many of the walls of protection we've put up for ourselves. You even notice how some guys can look all big and tough when they're all dressed up in their 'hood costume, baggy jeans, boots, Timbs, fitteds, etc., they're usually much less intimidating when they're naked. Even for guys with big muscles it's still harder for them to look tough naked than it would be if they were fully clothed. Have you ever had sex with someone who refused to be fully naked, someone who was ashamed of certain parts of their body? Or have you been with someone who wouldn't have sex with the lights on? To be naked with somebody is to be totally vulnerable. To enter someone or have them enter you is in many ways to trust them with your life and you with theirs. I'm learning that sex is a much bigger deal than I ever used to make it.

Being a gay male is a balancing act. Everyday of our lives we are trying to reconcile our more traditional male, macho traits with our more traditionally feminine traits all of us having varying degrees of one as opposed to the other. As much as we hate to talk about it we carry a lot of that role play into our bedrooms as tops, bottoms and versatiles. The tops usually being more dominant, the bottoms usually more submissive and the versatiles adjusting to whatever situation they find themselves in. As a top a good portion of my bottom sex partners have been a little on the feminine side in general, at least more than I am and usually are pretty submissive in the bedroom.

There are times though when I have been shocked at the extent of some of the more traditionally feminine things some of my sex partners have done or have liked to have done to them. Of course there are the high pitched moans, the whole calling me "Daddy." thing, even a little bit of ass slapping, and I'll even ask "Whose ass/dick is this?" here and there, that I have to say is hot, but pretty much normal. I have been in a few abnormal situations as well.

I can remember one ex, let's call him Jerry. Jerry was a strict bottom and was into rougher sex. He didn't like to have love made to him, he got off on being fucked, hard and fast. He liked being called a "bitch", he liked his hair pulled, he liked for me to refer to his ass "pussy", he liked being rough-housed and manhandled during sex. As I fell deeper for him I would try slower more sensual love making with him and he just wasn't into it. He'd say "Fuck me daddy!" and even go as far as to reach for my waist in an effort to move me faster in and out of him. Some tops would love this sort of thing and I guess it can be hot at times but I'm not into inflicting pain and degradation on my sex partners and I always had the feeling that his desire to be fucked all the time was as a result of being mentally scarred from a traumatic past experience. I was right. Hopefully he can find or has found the help he needs to deal with that.

I had another ex, let's call him Vincente who out of the blue one night had a rather strange request of me. He's a bottom as well but I guess this particular request can't really be characterized as either top or bottom:

Vincente: "I have something to ask you. It may sound a little weird."

Adam: "Okay... what is it?"

Vincente: "Well I was wondering... no, nevermind..."

Adam: "What baby, what you gotta ask me?"

Vincente: "Well, I was wondering if you could pee on me?"

Adam: "Ummm, I, I don't have to go..."

Okay, the urination thing, I'm not judging at all but I really don't understand it. Not just from a mental and psychological standpoint but from a physical standpoint. How does the etiquette work? Do you break out the plastic sheets and do it on the bed? Do you lay in the tub? And where would I aim, for the body, for the face, for the mouth? Would he then rub it on yourself? Would he lick it? Would he drink from my dick like a water fountain? Would he swallow it? (If someone can break this down for me please email me and I will post it up on the blog to so we all can understand. I of course will not give out your identity.) I know most of us have had at least limited or even accidental experience with the taste and or feel of cum/pre-cum, most of us have probably never gone all CocoDorm with it but even that to me is a bit different from the pee thing as cum is at least a derivative of sexual contact. But hey, whatever floats your boat, obviously I found a nice way to get myself out of a sticky situation.

A good friend of mine, a fellow top, told me a story about this dude he was having sex with one time who yelled out "Ooh nigga, get me pregnant!" in the middle of sex. It totally freaked him out and he never called the boy again. Jerry, Vincente, and my friend's friend I just mentioned probably don't look as freaky as they are in the bedroom to the naked eye. It's almost as though sexual contact changed them into another character. Revealing that innermost character to someone is another thing what makes sex so intimate.

Just as bottoms sometimes exhibit hyper-feminine characters or roles during sex tops can exhibit hyper-masculine roles. I'll use myself as an example. I'm gay, I'm a top. I wouldn't say I'm a the macho-ist of macho men, I'm nobody's thug but I'm no queen either. I'm intelligent, articulate, and even talkative  at times. Unfortunately in the black community these traits are considered somewhat feminine as black males are often portrayed as the strong silent type. But even with that for the most part in non-gay settings most people are a little surprised when I tell them I'm gay.

When I'm turned on though it's a whole 'nother story. After careful observation of my own sexual behavior I've noticed that certain things happen unconsciously when I'm turned on: my eyes tighten, I bite my bottom lip, my voice drops a few octaves (it's already not high as it is), I get a little more physically aggressive and even a little playfully rough. My ex-boyfriend Mr. Man, the first person to actually point this out to me made up a name for this phenomenon that is my sexy alter-ego. He coined it "The Jaykwon Factor." Jaykwon, as Adam doesn't sound like a rough enough name for this personality. Others whom I've had sex with have commented on The Jaykwon Factor. One person said that when they first met me I was cool, quiet, calm but when we had sex I turned into a quote-unquote "prison thug." Another person I hooked up with who discovered this blog after the fact told me that they had no idea that I could write the way I do, as I seemed so "rough" when they met me. Both of them were more than satisfied with the sex by the way.

Jaykwon, though good in bed is not too bright, while Adam likes to write and loves music and geography, Jaykwon just likes to fuck and is very smooth and persuasive. He's even been known to be a "top killer." (A "top killer" is a top who turns out and fucks other tops. Read about my experience with a pseudo-top killer in this post. Get an idea of what one of my more Jaykwon moments was like in this post.)

While Jaykwon likes to fuck and usually keeps things strictly physical, the more loving Adam has said some things he wish he hadn't said during sex. I've been in a few situations where I was dating someone and was really into them, we were having sex, making love, what have you, it was feeling good and right, and the pheromones were flying everywhere and I slipped up and said the "L" word. Dayum. "I love you.", the best, and sweetest three words you can ever hear when it's reciprocal and the most horrifyingly terrible, nails-on-the-chalkboard sound you ever want to hear when it's not. Sometimes they said it back, sometimes they didn't, sometimes they pretended they couldn't hear. It's even happened to me before. Sometimes I'd say it back, sometimes I wouldn't, sometimes I'd act like I couldn't hear, other times I'd mouth something in the heat of the moment that could be accidentally on purpose possibly misconstrued as "I love you." as to not to interrupt the flow of the sex, such as "I love shoes." and it's not exactly a lie as I do love shoes.

In that situation having sex with someone prompted me to share an intimate part of myself. I may have already known I was falling in love with that person but decided to keep it to myself to see whether they felt the same way. But during sex being so intimate and vulnerable it's hard to keep up your defenses.  After being born from your mother's womb sexual intercourse is the closest you can ever be to someone. You are literally inside them. Never take that for granted. A lot of experiences that I've recalled here I can look back and laugh at now but they weren't so funny as they were happening. I can't believe I'm about to say this but sex is a big deal. Every time we lay down, bend over, sit up, stand up, or get in that swing that is suspended from the ceiling to have sex a lot is at stake. We can put on all the condoms in the world to protect our dicks but they haven't made one yet that protects the heart.

==========
Playing In The Background...
"Protect My Heart"
by Tamia
from the album "Between Friends"
and
"Protect My Heart"
by Kelis
from the album "Tasty"
==========