Shortly after that text message exchange Earl and I talked briefly on the phone. He totally shrugged off the whole situation saying that it was a "stupid reason to break up". I responded asking the question "Oh, so my feelings are stupid, right?" He totally didn't get it. Not only did he not get it, he was arrogant and condescending about not getting it, like I'm crazy or something. Like he could just do whatever he wanted and I just had to accept it... really? I knew what had to be done.
He totally wasn't seeing that this argument wasn't about sex. It ceased being about sex long ago. It was bigger than sex. If I really wanted to just go out and get me some ass, I'd do just that. This argument was about being unfilled in a relationship with another person and that person not giving a fuck about my feelings. It was about how we were having great sex in the beginning and then how it just stopped. It was about how I felt that he wasn't telling me the whole truth. It was about laying in his bed rejected and horny. Many of you commented on the first post saying that he may have been hiding an STD or cheating and one of you said that maybe I was just a bad lover. If that's so he deserves an Academy award for faking it. Even though all those thoughts crossed my mind I can't accuse him of any of that stuff, but even with that, I just wanted to know the whole truth and the whole "I'm just not a sexual person" razmatazz just wasn't cutting it. This argument was really about the anxiety I felt knowing that a major part of our budding relationship was all of a sudden flawed and not getting a straight answer as to why and on top of that being looked at like I'm the one with the problem for asking the question.
Slightly pissed, befuddled, and bewildered at the fact that he still just wasn't getting it I marched over to Earl's home to pick up my leather jacket from his closet and break things off with him. I was done. By his tone I inferred that he must have thought that my coming over there was my way of giving in to him. Like, what kinda weak ass dude does he think I am? Boy, did he have a surprise coming.
In the spirit of my anger I blasted the Dixie Chicks "Not Ready To Make Nice" (one of only three country songs ever made that I like) on repeat all the way to his apartment. I stepped in the door and remained there. He wrapped his arms around me to hug me and I just stood there. Then he proceeded to make light of my anger. I asked for my jacket, took my shopping cart that I left over there after the day we went to the supermarket together and I left. We could have talked it out but I was done talking. All I'd been doing was talking and he'd obviously made up his mind not to listen. I'd had enough and him using the word "stupid" in the same sentence as something I was dead serious about was the last straw. He was officially buggin'. On the way out he asked "Oh it's like that, you breaking up with me?" as he swept the pieces of his cracked face back together and up from the floor. I answered "Yes." He replied "Oh aight, Later man." like he didn't care and I guess he didn't, oh well. Man, isn't it funny how when you argue with a boyfriend you all of a sudden go from "baby" to "man". There isn't a feeling much colder then when your baby calls you "man", like you're just another man on the street. Like the time you spent together didn't matter, I guess it didn't, so, later back to you man.
A little later that man texted me, apologizing. I didn't answer. He texted me again. I didn't answer again. He called me. I answered. I calmly reiterated my stance. I told him that he doesn't have to have sex with me, that's totally okay, I'm no rapist, I'm no necrophiliac. Thankfully I'm not a person who's ever lacked in available people to have sex with. He alluded to us working things out but the damage was already done. I didn't even wanna have sex with him anymore. i didn't want to work things out. If I had to break up with him to get him to listen to me I didn't need him. I was over it. Like I said, this argument had been stopped being about sex. He made light of my serious feelings and disrespectful shit like that I'm just not gonna take. I feel what the fuck I motherfuckin' feel for a motherfuckin' reason and I'll be damned if I sit around and let anyone make light of that shit. You don't have to agree but you could at least hear me out. That dude must have lost his damn mind. I told him that it's best that we just be friends.
A part of me wondered why he acted the way he did. Why he just refused to see things my way, where was the blockage, where was the disconnect? I begged, I pleaded, I talked, I texted. Well, it doesn't really matter now 'cuz it's over. So, lovely Puritans, just in case you were still riding around on your high horse, long dresses and lacy bertha collars flowing, proclaiming that sex isn't important to a relationship, I'm here to let you know that it is, but what's even more important is respecting your partner's feelings. That is if you want to keep that partner.
Just in case you're totally lost and missed part one of this blog post, check it out and catch up here.
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Playing In The Background...
"Not Ready To Make Nice"
by the Dixie Chicks
from the album "Taking The Long Way"
and
"Damages"
by Cherish
from the album "The Truth"
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